Scene 1: Hobbiton

(Bilbo is standing on the barrel speaking - he goes to pull out the ring)

Bilbo: I'm sorry to regret - WHOAH!!!!! (Falls off barrel, laughter is heard from offset!\)

Scene 1 Take 2:

(Gandalf has returned from his search about the ring...)

Gandalf: Is is secret?! Is it safe?!

Frodo: (laughing) Man, you really gotta wash your hair!

Scene 3: Black Riders

(The black riders are chasing Frodo and the others at night. The one rider catches up to them and his horse rears)

Black Rider: (slides off the back of the horse) What the?!

Frodo: (Stares) I don't think that was in the script.

Black Rider: No duh! (crikets chirp) Uhhh.... Could someone help me?! I can't get up!!!

(Frodo falls over laughing, the camera turns to show the other hobbits on the side of the set, leaning on each other and laughing.)

Scene 3 Take 2:

(Frodo is running dramatically slow to the ferry)

Pippin: C'mon Frodo!

Frodo: Hey, you think running like this is easy?!

(He reaches the end of the dock and jumps - He misses the ferry and a splash is heard.)

Scene 4: Bree

(They are in bree.... Pippin has just gone to get his pint)

Pippin: Baggins? I know a Baggins (snorts as he inhales the foam from his drink) Owowowowow!!!!!!

(laughter is heard from somewhere offscreen)

Scene 4 Take 2:

(Aragorn has taken Frodo into the other room, the door opens to reveal Sam, Merry and Pippin wearing pots on their heads and
wielding wooden spoons)

Sam: Back ye - Oh what the hell. Keep him... (walks off)

Merry and Pippin: (look at each other and shrug then they follow Sam)

Scene 4 Take 3:

(Before the Nazgul attack)

Frodo: Where's my ring?

Merry: I ate it..

Pippin: (snorts and starts laughing)

Scene 5: Weathertop

(Frodo wakes to find the others sitting around a fire eating)

Frodo: (jumps up and runs over, trying to put the fire out) Put it out! You fools!

Pippin: (wrinkles his nose and loos up at Frodo) You got ash in my food.....

Scene 5 Take 2:

(Aragorn jumps into the battle waving a torch around. He lights four of them on fire.)

Aragorn: (throws torch at Black Rider)

Black Rider: Uhhh... Aragorn? You missed....

Aragorn: (looks bewildered) Okay. Lemme try again, I know I'll get it this time....

Scene 6: Flight to the Ford

(Arwen rides a nameless white horse, weaving in between the trees)

Black Rider: (Rides up next to them and give Frodo a look) You've got these nasty crusties in your eyes man...

Frodo: Huh?

Arwen: (snorts back her laughter)

Scene 6 Take 2:

(The Black Riders have charged into the river. Arwen chants - something purple flashes by the camera)

Nazgul, Arwen and Frodo: What the hell was that?!?

Barney: (Walks out into the stream) Now, now, watch your language (starts singing)

Nazgul: Ahhh!!! Get it away!! (cross themselves)

Arwen: (chants some more and the water washes the dinosaur away) Take that you ugly purple dinosaur!!

(The Nazgul and Frodo cheer - it is soon followed by a kid crying offscreen)

Scene 7: The Tower of Saruman

(Gandalf and Saruman are fighting)

Gandalf: (is flying around on his face in a circle)

Saruman: (Laughs evily)

Boromir from offscreen: Hey look!! They're break dance fighting!

Aragorn in reply as Saruman doubles over lauging: They're not doing it right....

Gandalf: (hanging in the air) Uh.. Little help here please....

Scene 7 Take 2:

(little butterfly is caught by Gandalf)

Gandalf: (whpsieres to the butterfly in another language)

Butterfly: (stands on back two legs, places the middle pair on its hips and crosses the top ones) You think I'm gonna do anything
for you? Hell no! You broke my wing!

Scene 7 Take 3:

(Gandalf goes to jump off the tower onto the eagle and misses)

Gandalf: Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

(camera pans down)

Gandalf: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!

(camera pans down again)

Gandalf: Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!

(he falls past the orcs in the cavers below - their heads move as they watch him fall a splat is heard)

Random Orc: Oooohhh!! That's gotta hurt!

Scene 7 Take 4:

(Once again Gandalf jumps onto the eagle's back)

Gandalf: (leans down and speaks) Uh? Can we go back? I forgot my staff...

Offstage: Idiot......

Scene 8: Rivendell

(Frodo awakens and Gandalf tells him the day)

Frodo: (opens eyes) Hiya Gandy! Got any weed?

Gandalf: (stares. crikets chirp) You alright in the head?

Frodo: (gets crazed look in his eyes) I DIDN'T ESCAPE!!! THEY GAVE ME A DAY PASS!!!

(More staring)

Scene 9: Reunitings

(Frodo sees Bilbo and runs over)

Bilbo: Frodo my lad! (goes to hug him)

Frodo: (puts hands up defensively) No you don't, you old geezer! I thought you were supposed to be dead!

Bilbo: (face goes all crazy) my precccioussssss... (lunges for Frodo's neck, camera men run in and tear them apart - Gollum runs
by, zoo keeprs running behind him with oversized butterfly nets)

Scene 10: The council of Elrond

(At the council of Elrond we see Frodo put down the ring and Elrond explains that they must destroy it. Boromir stands and begins
his shpeil.)

Boromir: ....Let us use it against him!

Aragorn: (stands) You cannot wield it!

Boromir: What would you know Ranger?!

Legolas: (red-faced from trying not to laugh) This is no mere ranger (snorts) Ahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!

Aragorn: (crosses his arms and pouts) Shaddup Legoland!

Scene 10 Take 2:

(Gimli rises to yell at the Elves)

Gimli: I will die before I see the Ring in the hands of and Elf!! Or a Dwarf for that matter!!

Legolas: (jumps up to say something) What - Huh?????

Scene 10 Take 3:

(Frodo stands to say he'll take the ring)

Frodo: Iwilltakeit! ThoughIdonitknowtheway....

(Fairy godmother from Cinerella pops up with tinkerbell)

Fairy Godmother: (brushes off Frodo's clothes) I don't think they heard you dearie.... And for goodness sakes tuck your shirt in!!!

(The council stare as Tinkerbell becomes human size and walks over to Legolas)

Tinkerbell: (pretends to swoon) Oh, Legolas.....

Legolas: Hrm.... (clears throat) Somebody help me! Get this thing off me!!!

Scene 10 Take 4:

(Elrond is speaking to the council in a dignified manner)

Voice: My precccioussssssssss......

Elrond: (screams all girly and jumps into Gandalf's arms)

Scene 11: Interludes

(Aragorn and Arwen are on the bridge, Aragorn's cell phone rings)

Aragorn: (turns around and answers phone) Hello?... Hi Mom.... No, I'm working (turns red) Okay, bye...

(Arwen falls off the bridge as Aragorn turns back to face her)

Aragorn: (looks down at her) Oops... (shrugs, turns around and walks away)

Arwen: (bawling) My haaaiiiiiirrrrr!!!!!!

Scene 11 Take 2:

(Boromir walks out and sees the broken sword, he heads for it, but notices something else)

Boromir: Uh? What's that? (points)

Aragorn: (looks toward what Boromir is staring at) I dunno

Boromir: (is whacked in the face by a bright pink frisbee) Oooh, look at the pretty colors....

Scene 11 Take 3:

(Aragorn and Boromir are supposed to be having thier talk in Lothlorien, but they can be seen sitting crosslegged in front of each other on the ground playing hand clapping games)

Scene 11 Take 4:

(Aragorn and Boromir are once again supposed to be having their talk in Lothlorien, but the pair can be seen doing the can-can)

Scene 12: The Birds of Blank From Dunland

(Boromir is teaching Merry and Pippin how to fight)

Pippin: Ow! (goes to kick Boromir in the shin, but misses and gets him in the balls)

Boromir: (eyes cross and he falls over)

Elrond, Sauron and Saruman from offscreen: Oooh! That's gotta hurt!!

Scene 13: The Snow

(Legolas is walking over the snow as the others walk through it at chest height.)

(Legolas) There is a fell - (disappears)

Merry: Legolas? Where are you?

(An arrow pops out of the snow with a little red flag on top, it's waved around, a muffled answer in heard)

Aragorn: (mutters) Nimble my ass.....

Scene 13 Take 2: (Author: Jennzah)

(Legolas is walking over the snow, as the others make way through it waist deep, suddenly he falls through, everyone looks in surprise, as he pops up out of the snow and spits it out of his mouth)
 
Legolas : ugh! awful stuff!
 
(the whole company laughs at him)
 
Scene 13 Take 3: (Author: Jennzah)
 
(Legolas trips and falls face first into the snow, his whole body flopping face first into the snow. Everyone laughs)
 
Scene 13 Take 4: (Author: Jennzah)

(Legolas is walking over the snow. Suddenly he falls in.)
 
Aragorn : haha, not so elvish now, are we?
 
(Legolas emerges from the snow)
 
Legolas : they said i was going to be able to walk on it! the snow is broken! somebody fix the snow!

Scene 13 Take 5:

(Gandalf suddenly stops on a snowy slope, his robes billowing around him and flings out his arms, his staff whacking Sam in the face)

Gandalf: I'm the king of the world!!

Saruman: (from his tower in Isengard) No you're not!!!!

Scene 13 Take 6:

(Frodo has fallen and Boromir picks up the ring)

Boromir: Examines ring) How much do you think I could get for this?

Gimli: That thing isn't worth a dime....

Scene 13 Take 7:

(Legolas is all perky while he walks on the snow)

Legolas: Let's build a snowman!

(groans are heard)

Sam: Legolas?

(Legolas turns to see his eight compainions holding snowballs at the ready. He is pelted by them...)

Scene 14: The Waters of Moria

(Legolas and Gimli are snoring off to the side, Gandalf is muttering obscenities under his breath)

Boromir: (covers Pippin's ears) Gandalf! Watch your language in front of the kiddies!

Pippin: (looks pissed)

Gandalf: What kiddies? I don't see no kiddies. All I see id Midgets with foot problems!

Merry, Sam and Frodo: HEY!!!!

Pippin: Oh, kill me now

Scene 14 Take 2:

(Frodo and the others back out of Moria when they see the corpses. Something taps Frodo on the shoulder)

Frodo: (Turns around) AHHH!!!!!

(They group runs like mad into the caves)

Giant octopus thing: What? All I wanted to ask was if I could borrow your eye-liner!

Scene 14 Take 3:

(Gandalf walks over and stands in front of the doors and raises his arms)

Gandalf: Open Sesame!!

(The doors open and the group's jaws drop)

Scene 14 Take 4:

(Merry and Pippin are talking quitely as Gandalf tries to open the doors)

Merry: You do it!

Pippin: No you!

Merry: Baby!

(Merry walks over behind Legolas and pushes the elf into the lake)

Scene 15: Gollum

(Gandalf and the others are sitting around the three doors. Gollum's comuter animation crawls foreward)

Gollum's voice actor: My Preccciousssss.... (A shadow falls)

(Crikets chirp afer Frodo and Gandalf speak)

Peter Jackson: Uh? Where are you?

Voice Actor: Ow.....

Scene 16: Moria

(Frodo and the other Hobbits are seen in the front while the other, bigger people cower in the corner)

Merry: Wusses

Peter Jackson: Uh... Guys?

Gandalf: I want my Mommy!!! (wails)

Scene 16 Take 2: (Author: Jennzah)

(Legolas is fighting the cave troll, he goes to jump on it's back. The ledge that is acting as the cave trolls back, he misses by inches and goes sailing to the other side)

Legolas :oh, crap. (huge boom when he lands) OWWW..

Scene 16 Take 3: (Author: Jennzah)

(Legolas throws an axe to Boromir and hits him in the nose with it)

Boromir : auggh!

Scene 16 Take 4: (Author: Jennzah)

(Legolas is aiming his bow at the door. When the Orcs attack, he releases the arrow but his hand hits him hard in the nose)

Legolas : ow! dammit!

(the swarm of orcs stops and laugh at him)

Scene 16 Take 5:

(Boromir is knocked over by the sudden rush of orcs)

Boromir: Ow! Hey! Stop that! I'm gonna tell your mommy on you!!!

Random orc: What the hell? Yuk! I got human on my boot!!

Scene 16 Take 6:

(They are fighting the Orcs in the room when they hear a scream and a rabid fangirl falls from the rafters. They all stop to stare)

Fangirl: Ow, shit! Where am I?

(Laughter is heard. A tech leads her offscreen, telling her it's time for her medication.

Scene 16 Take 7:

(All enter room except for Legolas)

Frodo: Where's Legolas?

Aragorn and Boromir: I teid him to the mountain.

Legolas: (from far away) Get me down from here!!!!

Scene 17: Balrog

(The group is watching the Balrog comes closer. Waiting for an explanation from Gandalf.)

Legolas: What is that?

Gandalf: A -

(A thud is heard and at least ten pillars fall)

Disembodied, yet muffled, voice: Ow....

(Camera shows the Fellowship rolling on the floor laughing.)

Scene 17 Take 2:

(They are running down the steps)

A Loud Voice: Ooof!!

(The fellowship turns to look and see the Blrog stuck in the doorway. They begin to laugh)

Barog: This is not funny!!! (squrims) I knew I should have gone on a diet!!! Well?

(At the technicians' blank looks the Balrog snorts)

Balrog: Help me here! Or I'll eat you for lunch!!!

Scene 17 Take 3:

(Gandalf is facing the Balrog)

Gandalf: You shall - You know what? Go ahead, I need a nap.

Balrog: Why thank you.

Scene 17 Take 4:

(Gandalf in holding onto the edge of the brigde)

Gandalf: Fly you fools!

Frodo: (Walks over to the edge) Have a nice flight! (waves)

Scene 18: Off to See Galadriel

(The group is outside, collapsed)

Pippin: (appears to be crying)

Merry: It'll be okay Pip.

Pippin: (snorts and looks up) Yah.... hahaha..... whatever..... hahaha.. you ....haha... say.

Scene 18 Take 2:

(Frodo is walking off.)

Aragorn: Frodo!

Frodo: (turns around) What?! I gott use the bathroom! Geeze, talk about touchy!

Scene 19: Lothlorien

(The fellowship is entering the Wood - We see a neon sign flashing 'Open')

Scene 19 Take 2:

(They have entered the wood, the elves of Lorien have caught them)

Hadlir: The Dwarf breaths so loud we could have shot him in the dark.

(A snort of muffled laughter is heard)

Boromir: Uh... Why are your bows neon pink?

(Elves look at their bows in shock)

Random Elf: Dammit! Galadriel's gone on one of her kicks again!

Scene 20: Galadriel

(The fellowship has entered the city and is watching Galadriel and Celeborn walk toward them)

Galadriel: (trips on her dress and falls down the stairs landing flat on her face)

(laughter is heard)

Scene 20 Take 2:

(Celeborn and Galadriel appear - Galadriel is glowing. The fellowship covers their eyes with their hands protectively)

Pippin: Turn your dress off, dammit!

Scene 20 Take 3:

(Galadriel is going to fill her mirror, she misses and the water pour into some flowers)

Voice offscreen: Uh, Galadriel? The water's supposed to go in the bowl, not water the flowers....

Scene 21: The River

(The company is on the river, Legolas is standing in his canoe)

Legolas: (flings arms out) I'm the king of the world!!

Scene 21 Take 2:

(Gimli can be seen rocking the boat back and forth, it capsizes)

Boromir: (surfaces and thumps Gimli over the head)

Gimli: OW! What was that for!?

Scene 21 Take 3:

(They reach the stone kings, Aragorn taps Frodo on the shoulder)

Aragorn: Long have I wanted to look upon - You know what? No I didn't. (flips the statues off) Bastards!!

Scene 21 Take 4:

(Merry and Pippin can be seen rocking the boat back and forth while singing 'Rock The Boat'... Legolas looks green)

Scene 22: Where's Frodo

(They've made camp, Sam looks around)

Sam: Where's Frodo?

Pippin: (looks up and shrugs) I dunno.

Merry: (brushes the question off with a wave of his hand) Who cares? Maybe we'll get lucky and he'll walk off a cliff.

Frodo from offscreen: Hey!

Scene 23: Taking the Ring

(Boromir is collecting wood, Frodo walks up)

Boromir: Give me the ring Frodo.

Frodo: (clutches the ring) No! I'm gonna rule the world, not you!!

Boromir: (turns to someone offscreen and makes the crazy motion with his hand while pointing at Frodo)

Scene 23 Take 2:

(Frodo is watching Boromir collect wood)

Frodo: I know what you would say, and it would seem like wisdom, but for the warning in my heart.

Boromir: (gives Frodo a strange look) What are you a mind reader?! I don't want the damn ring! I wanna go home! (crys)

Scene 24: The Battle

(Boromir goes to blow the battle horn, but laughs and all that comes out is a small squeak)

Scene 24 Take 2:

(Boromir goes to blow the battle horn, nothing comes out, his face turns red)

Boromir: (shakes horn) I think it's broken....

Random Squirrel: (climbs out of horn and chitters angrily at Boromir. Laughter ensues)

Scene 24 Take 3:

(The lead Uruk-Hai shoots the fisrt arrow)

Boromir: (looks over his shoulder) You missed.

Scene 24 Take 4:

(Aragorn and the lead Uruk-Hai are fighting, the Uruk-Hai throws his sheild, trapping Aragorn's head against a tree)
Aragorn: (tries to slip his head out from behind the shield) Umm... I Can't get my head through!!! The shield's in too deep, my head
doesn't fit!! Help!!!

Uruk-Hai: (doubled over laughing)

(Laughter is heard from offscreen and Aragorn soon joins them)

Scene 24 Take 5:

(Merry and Pippin are being carried off, Pippin bites the orc carrying him)

Orc: (drops Pippin) Ow! Dammit! Now I have to go get a rabies shot!

Scene 25: The Death of Boromir

(Aragorn goes to kiss Boromir on the forehead but turns to Peter Jackson)

Aragorn: Do I have to?

Peter Jackson: Yes!

Aragorn: (whining) But I don't wanna!!

Scene 25 Take 2:

(Aragorn kisses Boromir on the forehead. Boromir sits up and backs away, whiping his forehead off)

Boromir: Ewww! Gross!!

Scene 25 Take 3:

(Boromir goes over the falls)

Boromir: MOOOOOOOMYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Scene 25 Take 4:

(Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli are talking, Boromir walks up, dripping wet)

Boromir: Give me that! (yanks his pack out of Aragorn's arms and stalks off, muttering)