“So, guys, what should we do tonight?” Aragorn said, sprawled comfortably across his leather sofa.

“Have an EZ Cheese war?” Frodo suggested. Haldir threw a pillow at him. “Okay. Maybe not.”

“We could play marbles!” Sam said enthusiastically. He got glares from Pippin and Merry, and said no more.

“How about we go get drunk?” Gandalf said, speaking from the corner.

Boromir opened his mouth to protest and stopped. “You know, that’s not a bad idea.”

“But we get drunk EVERY night!” Frodo whined.

“So? What’s wrong with that?”

“Yeah! So?”

“Getting drunk ROCKS!” said Pippin, putting his little pinky to the corner of his lips. “It’s positively Eeeevil…”

“Dude, you be trippin!” Haldir said, rolling his eyes. “I’m surrounded by idiots.”

Legolas stood up. “We’re not going to the same old place again, are we?” he asked, sounding quite wary.

Aragorn shook his head. “No, that’s been overdone. I say we go the this new place, the, uh…the…Ah!” He clapped his hands
together as he remembered the name. “The Golden Gun!”

The room was silent.

“The Golden Gun?” Gandalf asked ominously.

“Yes?”

“Well, it sounds like fun to me!” Gandy said, thudding his staff on the floor for emphasis.

“Dude, like, let’s go,” Haldir said, jumping up. “I’ll drive.”

“Oh, HELL no!” Aragorn said, frightened. “My chauffeur will take us. I remember the LAST time you tried to drive. No way.”

Haldir pouted a moment, but then his face brightened considerably. “HEY! If HE drives, I can get DRUNK! WOO!” He and
Legolas slapped high fives, and hurried to the door, where Boromir was already waiting, tapping his foot impatiently.

Pippin, Sam, Frodo, Gandalf, and Aragorn followed quickly behind them and, after the driver showed up, they were on their
way to the Golden Gun.

~*~ ~*~ ~*~

“Dude! This place is TIGHT!” Haldir said, trying to be heard over the loud dance music that blared. Pippin and Merry had
already gone off to the bar, and Frodo and Sam were finding a table. God knew where Gandalf was. No one else wanted to.

Aragorn stepped up the bar and ordered three pitchers, declaring that “Since *I* am King, *I* will pay!”

No one argued.

Eventually, everyone was settled around at a large table. Gandalf’s head was bobbing to the beat of a fast Euro-rhythm dance
track, and he blushed when he saw the rest of the guys gaping at him. “I am, how do you say, getting jiggy with it.”

“Whatever,” Haldir said, rolling his eyes.

“Dude!!!” Boromir exclaimed, his eyes already slightly glassy. The others noticed several empty shot glasses in front of him and
realized he was beating them out. That would not be allowed to happen, so Aragorn went up to the bar and ordered three
bottles of their strongest whiskey.

“DAMNED if you’ll beat me out in my own kingdom, brother!” Aragorn said, his chin set in a challenge, and promptly swigged
half the bottle. As he slammed it down, his face was pulled taut in a grimace, which left once the liquor reached his stomach.

Boromir, not to be outdone, snatched up one of the bottles and chugged it…and kept chugging…and still kept chugging…
Finally, he set it down, three-fourths of its contents missing. He wiped his sleeve across his face and nodded smugly to himself.

Haldir and Legolas looked at each other suspiciously, and then took the last bottle for themselves, taking turns of deep swills
until, just a few minutes later, it was empty.

Haldir turned the bottle upside down. “DAMMIT! It’s GONE!”

“NO! It can’t be! *hiccup* We just STARTED! LEMME see!” He tried to grab the bottle out of Haldir’s hands, but missed
and tumbled onto the floor. He frowned for a moment, then climbed back up onto his seat. Haldir laughed uncontrollably, then
his face went blank, because he forgot what he was laughing about. He shrugged, and went back to the bar, where he ordered
two more bottles of whiskey.

Back at their table, Aragorn had already taken it upon himself to order three bottles more of the whiskey, a fifth of vodka, a
bottle of Jack Daniel’s, a fifth of Jim Beam, and some really expensive brandy. Needless to say, both Boromir and Aragorn
were slightly sloshed.

“My brother,” Aragorn said, trying not to drool on himself, “you can’t fall in love with an ock- and orick…I mean an…a….”
he snapped his fingers. “…a whatsit. You just can’t. It goes against…something…thing thing thing…What were we talking
about?”

Boromir shook his head and took another shot of whiskey, nearly losing his balance as he tipped his head back. Gandalf
steadied him on his chair with his staff, and shook his head. “Weaklings!” he said, his eyes twitching just the slightest bit. “Let
me show you how an ISTARI can hold his liquor!” Quickly, he lined up four shot glasses, poured them full, and downed them.

“One…*WHAM!* Two….*WHAM!*….Three….*WHAM!* Four….*WHAM! WHAM!*”

The second wham was Gandalf hitting the floor.

On the other side of the bar, Pippin and Merry were flirting with some “really hot” women.

“So, you’re not from around here?” Pippin asked, trying to keep his balance, as he’d already shotgunned six cans of beer in the
last fifteen minutes.

The blonde-haired one fluttered her lashes and twirled hair around her finger. “We come here all the time. My name is
Philippa,” she said, her voice unnaturally husky and deep.

“And I’m Alexandria!” the other exclaimed, not wanting to be left out.

Merry and Pippin smiled, thinking they were truly pimpin’. The girls dragged the two of them out onto the dance floor and
began bumping and grinding, and the little Hobbits were so thrilled that women were paying them attention that they didn’t stop
to realize that maybe they had better be careful what they wished for…

“Legolas, dammit! It’s MY bottle! GIVE it BACK!” Haldir said, trying to stand up. The fair-haired Elf ducked away. “No
way, Haldie! Get your own!”

“Alright, ladies and gents,” a melodious voice said, coming over the speakers, “it’s time for your favorite part of the evening!
Give it up for…KARAOKE CRAZY NIGHT!!!”

The audience went wild, and people began lining up to request songs.

Back at the table, Aragorn and Boromir exchanged glances. “Do you think we…?”

“OH yeah,” Boromir said, nodding enthusiastically, his eyes floating around from object to object, unable to really focus on one
thing.

“Let’s DO it!” Aragorn said, heading over to the karaoke table.

“All right, Gentlemen, what would you like to sing?” asked the voice from the announcement. Aragorn and Boromir
looked at each other and smiled drunkenly. Then they looked at her, and back at each other. Aragorn put a hand to the
side of his face (the wrong side) and whispered to Boromir “She’s hot.”

“I know,” Boromir said, both of them so completely shnaukered that they didn’t see the attractive blonde woman shake
her head and laugh.

“I wanna sing…OOH! OOH!” Quickly, he scribbled down his name on a piece of paper, folded it as best he could in his
inebriated state, and stumbled back to their table. Aragorn did the same, a smug tipsy smile on his lips, and followed
Boromir.

Pippin and Merry were still bumping and grinding with their ‘hot chicks’ when Haldir and Legolas came up to stand beside
them. The two Hobbits shot curious glances at the Elves as they edged carefully around the ‘babes.’

“Dudes,” Pippin called out, grinning, “Come get some!”

Haldir looked like he was about to throw up, and Merry moved away from him. It took Legolas a few moments before he
could remember how to speak, but he did eventually. “Pipp…in….those aren’t…those are…whoa…they’re not…” He
frowned for a moment, and continued unsteadily. “They’re…thingthingthing…chudes! I mean dudes! Chick dudes!
He-she’s!”

Pippin and Merry froze, glaring at Haldir as he promptly fell in the floor laughing. “Nah,” Merry said, glancing about him
nervously. “They can’t be…no way!” Then he took in the broadness of the shoulders, the superior height, and his face
went green. “We’ll be in the bathroom throwing up…” With that, he grabbed Pippin’s arm, noting that his face was at
least three different shades of green, and ran for the nearest bathroom.

Legolas stumbled around and, after two tries, managed to catch Haldir’s wildly waving hand and help to haul him up off
the floor. The he- she’s had gone about their business, having no more little drunken Hobbitses to hit on. “Dude…are
you drunk?” Haldir asked, waving a finger in front of Legolas’ nose. “No way!” Legolas said, almost stumbling over a
chair.

“Me neither.”

“Good. Let’s go find some more alcohol!”

“Rock on, mah brotha! We be TRIPPIN!”

“Haldir, what’s with the gangster thing?”

“I be bad, I know. I am one crazy mofo.”

“Whatever.”

“Alright, Ladies and Gentlemen! Next up, for your drunken delight…” The voice paused as a cheer went up around the
floor. “We have a tall, dark, and dare I say dangerous looking bad boy with a…” She wiggled her eyebrows suggestively
at him. “…big horn of Gondor!”

Another cheer.

“Let’s give it up for Boromir and his unique rendition of “Bad To the Bone!!!” The attractive blonde clapped and held the
microphone as all the females in the audience went wild. Boromir managed to make his way onstage without falling on
someone, but it was close. As he approached the stage, and the blonde karaoke operator, he opened his mouth to say
something, forgot, frowned, and took the mic.

Aragorn and Gandalf were already rolling in their seats, and Haldir and Legolas had stopped their ordering at the bar to
watch. Boromir didn’t know THIS song!!!

Did he?

The first beats of the song could be heard and already people were rocking out. On the floor couples were dancing very
dirtily, grinding, bumping, and pretty near mating. Aragorn decided dancing was next.

“B-b-b-b-baad….B-b-b-b-b-baad…..BAD TO THE BONE!!!” The crowd went wild and Boromir rocked out onstage, shaking
his hair, dipping the microphone. During his song, an older woman flashed him, and he nearly threw up onstage, but
recovered gracefully enough to finish the song and stumble back to their table.

By this time, Legolas and Haldir had ordered three bottles of Tequila, and each now sat facing the other, grim looks of
determination upon their faces, and took turns taking swig after swig. “One of you is going to pass out,” Gandalf said,
having cheated and used magic to make himself sober again.

“Shuddup, Gando staffy Mr. Too-cool-to-be-drunk!” Legolas said, shoving long locks of blonde hair out of his face.
“Haldie is going down. Right now.”

“Whatever, Elfie boy. YOU will lose.”

“Bring it.”

“Try me.”

“You’re on.”

Both elves tipped up their very LARGE bottles of Tequila, and chugged…and chugged…and chugged…

“ENOUGH!” Aragorn said, grabbing both bottles and slamming them down on the table. Both elves looked at him with
shocked expressions. “It’s MY turn to drink again, dammit!”

“Dammit!” Haldir said, crossing his arms over his chest. “I’m gonna go sign up for Kara….karao…whatever the hell that
thing is.”

“Me too!” Legolas said happily, long since having abandoned any shyness he might have held before.

Both of them wandered up to the booth and, while they were gone, Pippin and Merry came back, looking no less green
around the gills than before. “He threw up,” said Merry.

“I did not!”

“Yes you di…ow.” Merry grabbed his head. “Too much beer…world is moving…whoa…”

“HA! You can’t handle a whole PINT!” Pippin said. “I’m going to find Sam and Frodo…make sure Sam isn’t hitting on him
or something.”

“You don’t have any room to talk! You were dancing with a he-she!”

“So were you!”

“…”

“So there!”

“Oh. Okay, then, I’ll go with you,” and they both went off on their merry little Hobbit way.

“Dude, sometimes I really hate those Hobbits,” Haldir said, still pouting, as he sat back in his chair after the Hobbits left.

“Deal with it, Haldir, Guardians of Lorien don’t get much in the way of…well, anything.” Gandalf snickered.

“Hey! I could get some if I WANTED some!” Haldir said, valiantly trying to defend his sexual magnetism. “I’m HOT!”

The whole bar went silent, and then erupted into such a roar of laughter that Haldir went scarlet from the neck up.

“I guess you sure are, Haldie,” Legolas said merrily, sipping on a frou-frou drink.

The last singer finished and the blonde woman stood up again. “Okay, and up next, we have…let me see…a Lord
Elrond?” She laughed. “Do we have a Lord Elrond here tonight ladies and gentlemen?” Someone obviously raised their
hand because she laughed and called out “Then get your ass up here!”

Aragorn nearly spit out his mouthful of Tequila, opting instead to choke on it all the way down. “Elrond? What the fu-?”
He stopped in mid- sentence as the Lord Halfelven climbed the stairs to the stage. He was dressed in a black trench
coat, black leather pants, and a muscle-tank, and the women were positively swooning.

As he got onstage he shucked the jacket, and the woman all gasped.

“What is he on?” Haldir asked, shaking his head in disbelief.

“Whatever it is, I want some,” Gandalf said.

“Pluck your eyebrows first, Grandpa,” Haldir replied, paying no further attention to the outraged Istari.

Elrond took the mic from the blonde woman. “Hello, darlin…miss me?” he said into it, and the blonde smiled and shook
her head. He laughed, grabbed her arm, and pulled her up against him, oblivious to the remarks of ‘Tramp!’ ‘Who does
she think she is?’ and ‘Ooooh, bitch, he is SO mine!’

The blonde murmured something in his ear and Elrond leaned in very close to her, so close that there was no light
between them, and murmured something back. “No way!” the blonde laughed out loud. “Keep dreaming, mister sexy elf!
Now sing!”

Elrond laughed and moved into the middle of the stage. The first strains of Will Smith’s “Men In Black” boomed out of the
huge speakers, and Elrond busted a groove, pulling out a pair of black sunglasses and putting them on, completely slick.

And he sang…

“The good guys dress in black, remember that,

Just in case we ever face to face and make contact.

The title held by me... M.I.B.

Means what you think you saw, you did not see.

So don't blink,

Think what was there but now's gone.

Black suit with the black Ray Ban's on.

Walk in shadow, move in silence,

Guard against extra-terrestrial violence.

But yo we ain't on no government list.

We straight don't exist,

No names and no fingerprints.

Saw something strange,

Watch your back.

Cause you never quite know where the M.I.B.'s is at,

Uh and...”

He continued, the women screaming, the men shaking their heads at their drunken over-emotional dates. Aragorn,
Gandalf, Legolas, and Haldir were speechless.

“Where the hell does THAT come from?” Aragorn demanded. “Since when does he go from ‘wise old abstinent
fuddy-duddy’ to ‘drool over my sexy body, you hot babes!’ ?” What the hell!”

“Dude, I think he’s beyond drunk,” Haldir said.

“Hey, he’s good!” Gandalf said, moving out on the dance floor, where he busted out a rather pathetic version of the
Robot.

Everyone ignored him.

“Good Lord,” Aragorn moaned, head in his hands. “Could this get any worse?!”

Legolas’ face went pale as his gaze wandered in the direction of the entrance.

“Oh dear God…it just did…”

“Aragorn! Oh, King Aragorn!” a feminine voice cried from the entryway. Wielding squirt guns, a group of women charged
into the bar. The minute their eyes settled on the fellowship, they began to squeal.

“Oh, Legolas! Your hair is so beautiful and long! I wonder, is it proportional to your-?” She coughed loudly.

“Boromir! Your horn is so…big! Maybe you could teach me how to blow…I mean, play it?”

Aragorn locked eyes with the two other frightened males. He nodded, knowing what he must do. “Alright! That is
enough! Enough, I say!” he roared, successfully shutting up everyone, including Lord Elrond, who was getting quite
down with his rendition of “Men In Black.”

“I have had enough of this! Leave now or I will see you thrown into the dungeons of…Eomer’s castle,” he threatened,
knowing better than to say his own castle. Then they’d NEVER leave! “Now go!”

The hormonally spastic women frowned, thought for a moment, and decided to give it up. Grumbling, they shouldered
their squirt guns and left the bar, much to the appreciation of Legolas and Boromir, who turned grateful eyes to their
good friend.

“I’m too drunk for this,” Boromir said, dropping his forehead to the table.

“I’m…whoa,” Legolas said, clutching his head.

“Dammit. The damn bottle’s empty!” Gandalf yelled, shaking it up and down, trying in vain to get out the last drop.

“Dude, Gandy, I’m like, the King. I’ll get another bottle.”

Haldir sat at the table, his arms crossed over his chest. “What? Did none of those girls see me? Sittin’ here like the sexy
mofo that I am, and NONE of them fussed over ME?” He shook his head. “I’m well-bred. Well- mannered. And I’m
probably the sexiest sonofabitch in this room.”

He continued to grumble quietly to himself, oblivious to the strange looks all the others were giving him, wondering why
in the hell he would wish to be traumatized as they just had.

“And let’s hear another round of applause for our favorite Elf Lord!” The audience of mostly women went absolutely wild,
shouting lewd invitations, crowing catcalls…Aragorn rolled his eyes. “Tell me he’s not headed this way.”

“He is,” Legolas said, rubbing his eyes. “Dammit, my drunk is going away,” he said, not caring that he made no sense.
“I’m getting another bottle.”

“Get me one, too!” Gandalf yelled.

“And me!” chorused Haldir and Boromir, together. Legolas simply waved his hand at them as he moved slowly,
cautiously, towards the bar.

“Okay, Ladies and gentlemen, please prepare yourself for the dazzling vocal stylings of…King Aragorn!!!”

Aragorn’s head shot up, and he grimaced. He’d forgotten he’d signed up. Dammit. “Ah, hell.” To be assured of his
complete inebriation he pulled the bottle that he’d hidden in his coat out and took a long, healthy swig of it, tuning out
the feminine cries and gestures.

Shaking his head, he moved up onstage, determined to beat out Elrond at his popularity. The dude was like three
thousand years old! Damn, but really! Give it up!

“Thank you,” he said to the blonde, as she tossed him the mic.

Pippin and Merry returned and stepped up to the booth, dragging Frodo and Sam along behind them. “Noooo!!” Frodo
shouted, but the other two Hobbits ignored him.

“Frodo, we are going to sing. Right now.”

“No!”

“Yes.”

“No…”

“Too bad. You’re outvoted. Cause SAM wants to sing, don’t you Sam?” Merry glared threateningly at the timid little
Hobbit, who looked quickly from Frodo to Merry and back to Frodo again. “Yes?” he ventured, and Frodo threw his hands
up. “Fine. But we’re too damned drunk I tell you.”

Merry laughed, and they cheered for Aragorn, who was ripping off his shirt. The screams in the building were so loud
they thought the windows would break, but by some miracle, they held.

A wicked bass riff cut through the room, and the women went even more hysterical. Aragorn grinned that self-confident
grin, and began to bust it out…

“Wicked wild, wicked wild, wicked wicked wild Wild West, Jim West, desperado. Rough rider, no, you don’t want nada.”
He ran a hand down his shoulder blade, over his ripply stomach and down to his hip, and winked at the crowd. “None of
this, gun in this, brotha runnin’ this. Buffalo soldia,’ look, it’s like I told ya…”

He flipped his hair around, and a woman in the front fainted. Back at the table, Elrond nodded approvingly.

“Now, any damsel that’s in distress, be outta that dress when she meet Jim West. Rough necked so go check the law
and abide, watch your step with flex and get a hole in your side, swallow your pride, don't let your lip react, cause you
don’t wanna see mah hand where mah hip be at. With all of this, from the start of this, runnin’ the game, James West,
tamin’ the west, so remember the name, now…”

“Dude!” Haldir said, “We are SO next. Legolas, you and me, my homie brotha, we will smoke them ALL!” Legolas and
Haldir exchanged drunken high fives once again, as Legolas had returned laden with MANY bottles of alcohol, half of
which he had no idea of the contents, while Elrond attempted to fend off women from stuffing bills down the back of his
pants.

“Elrond, dude!” Haldir said, for about the thirtieth time that night, “What the HELL!”

Elrond looked innocent. “What?”

“You know what?”

“No?”

“Oh please. You were almost mating with that blonde up there.”

“No I wasn’t.”

“Yes you w-! Never mind. Forget it. I give up. I’m pretty sure I don’t want to know…”

Boromir popped the top off one of the bottles. “I’m thinking we’ve almost caused enough trouble for one night…”

“No way!” Legolas said, swaying as he swung the bottle’s tip towards Boromir. “We haven’t gotten to *hiccup* sing our
song yet!”

“Whatever.”

Loud applause erupted as Aragorn finished his song, coming down looking quite pleased with himself.

Elrond clapped him on the back as he sat down, and didn’t say a word about Aragorn’s fly being open.

Meanwhile, the four Hobbits had piled up onstage, which upset a very smashed Haldir. “No way! It’s OUR turn,” he said,
sweeping his hand to indicate Legolas and himself.

“Too bad, blondie boy! WE got here FIRST!” Pippin said, and stuck out his tongue.

Aragorn nearly fell out of his chair laughing as the four Hobbits began busting out to the song “Larger Than Life” by the
Backstreet Boys. Aragorn hated the Backstreet Boys, but found himself enjoying this altogether too much. As he looked
across the table he saw that Legolas and Haldir were already rolling on the floor, tears streaming down their faces as
Pippin acted out A.J. the best he could.

Frodo, of course, took Nick’s part. Merry tried his best to be slick and suave like Kevin, but ended up lacking miserably.
Sam, well…Sam tried to be Howie, and came almost close to succeeding with his big Hobbity eyes.

Elrond and Gandalf were unimpressed. They stared, mouths open, until the end of the song, when all four Hobbits
turned back to back, and crossed their arms as if they were really bad-ass.

THEN they lost it, and joined Legolas and Haldir in rolling around on the floor.

“Okay, mah homie, it’s OUR turn to rock da house!” Haldir said, pulling Legolas up and nearly dragging him to the
karaoke booth.

Minutes later, Legolas and Haldir were up onstage, surprisingly stable for how plastered they were.

A cool bass riff cut through the speakers once again, and the women went wild, all piling out on the dance floor.

And Legolas and Haldir began to…rap.

“I like big butts and I cannot lie…”

“You otha brothas can’t deny…”

“That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get-!”

“Sprung! Better pull up tough cause you noticed that butt was stuffed!”

“Deep in the jeans she’s wearin…”

“I’m hooked and I can’t stop starin,’ oh, baby, I wanna get witcha!”

“And take yo’ pictcha!”

“My home boys tried to warn me!” Legolas said, clapping Haldir around the shoulder, who tossed his mic to the
attractive blonde at the booth. She knew her part.

“But that butt you got makes…”

“Me so horny!” she called out in the mic, and all the women went wild, shaking their butts and bumping and grinding.
She tossed the mic back to Haldir and blew a kiss to Elrond, winking at him as she walked backstage. With a huge smile
he followed her, after giving the others a victorious look. They just shrugged and watched the guys rock out.

“Ooh, rumple smoothskin, you say you wanna get in my Benz?”

“Well use me, use me, cause you ain’t that average groupy…”
 
 

*~*~*~*~*
 
 

“Whoa. I think it’s definitely a good idea that you had your driver bring us, Aragorn,” Haldir said, leaning out the window
for some fresh air.

“I hope you don’t all think you’re crashing at MY place,” the King said.

He got dirty looks.

“Alright, just…don’t raid my wife’s panty drawer this time, okay? Arwen was pissed about last time!”

“It’s all good, Araggy!” Merry said, his eyes widening at the tilting of the world’s axis. “Why’s everything all fuzzy?”

Pippin was asleep on the seat next to him, and he just grunted when Merry elbowed him in the face.

Frodo and Sam were on the opposite side of the seats, nearly passed out. Elrond hadn’t reappeared since he’d gone
backstage with the blonde…none of them wanted to know, or imagine where he was. Legolas and Haldir were still drunk
as skunks, though quite happy. Boromir and Aragorn were starting to feel the slightest beginnings of hangovers, and
Gandalf had simply used his magic to take away his drunken stupor.

Fifteen minutes later, the limo was silent.

“Hey, Haldir, you awake man?” Merry whispered.

“Hell no. I’m still drunk.”

“Oh, okay. Goodnight then.”

“Whatever.”