|
| |
Petri
and the Nun
by Petri Fydlfinger
A woman wearing all black with a funny hat with white trimmings and carrying
a funny symbol walks up to Petri.
"My daughter you have sinned in the eyes of the lord."
The lady holds out a necklace with a body crucified to a cross, nails holding by
his outstretched hands and feet.
Believing the lady to be from a cult or tribe of man eaters Petri begins
asking question:
"Oh hello ! Are you some cult that nails people to crosses, uses them for
shish-ka-bob and then eats them ? You know my friend...rrr...cousin Mylo is a
vampire Kender and he eats people too. But he must be stronger cause he does not
cook them, eats them raw *Petri sticks out a tongue and wrinkles her face in
disgust* Yuck, I say to that. No thank you I don’t think I like flesh eaters.
Say..."
The Nun: "HUSH ! My child, your tongue speaks of vulgar blasphemies
and..."
Petri: "WOW !!!! YOU KNOW BLASPHEMY !!! I DO TOO ! Do you know Lust, Envy, Wrath,
Pride, Greed, and Sloth too. I do ! They are my best friends in the world."
The Nun: "Child they are only pawns of the devil and they have led you astray
from your god."
Petri: "Who HEAD? No HEAD likes them too - I think. I don’t know never asked
him. I suppose I will next time I spea....."
The Nun: "Child you have sinned in the eyes of God as you have worshipped a
false God and must beg for forgiveness. Luckily he is an ever forgiving and
loving God."
Petri: "I have sinned ? What have I done, I don’t wear any dead person
around my neck, going around killing people, shish-ka-bobbing them and eating
them. Though I suppose its not your fault that you like the taste..."
The nun: "Child we where the cross to remind us that our Lord died for our
sins and..."
Petri: "See I told you that you sinned. Too bad that you could not take
responsibility for your own actions, blaming it on your poor lord where he felt
so guilty that he died and then you cook him and eat him. Yuck ! I am surpised
that he does not come back and teach you a lesson, you really need to learn some
manners...."
The nun: "We do not eat people. He died for the sins of our people so that God
would forgive us."
Petri: "You mean the ever forgiving God?"
The Nun: "Yes he is an ever forgiving God and...."
Petri: "So if he is ever forgiving and loving why did your lord have to get
eaten by you so that he would forgive you?"
The nun: "NO ! He was not eaten he was...."
Petri: "OH ! Then you have not been forgiven for your sins ? We must rush
forth to HEAD and beg him for forgiveness for your sins!" Petri begins to tug at
the Nun.
The nun: "I will not go forth with you. You are the devil child and you spawn
evil lies."
Petri: "Well I am not the one eating people and making others die for what I
did or did not do."
The nun: "I will need to get the father to deal with your evilness."
Petri: "Hmmpf, well go get your dad; first its the lord fighting your battles,
you eat him, now you want your dad to fight your battles. I suppose you will eat
him too!"
As Petri walks away she notices the nun 'gave' her a nice necklace with a
cross, a necklace with beads, and a ring that looks similar to a wedding band.
**just think my intent of this post started with DANG nt NT nT Nt**
**I hope I have not offended any holy-rollers out there, no offense taken just
trying to construct a point of view from a Kender**
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Petri is skipping along on her merry way enjoying life and not giving two
thoughts to anything that crosses her path, a smile graces her lips as she sings
songs aloud. Meanwhile, unbeknownst to Petri and anonymous character with ambitions of
starting an argument for no other reason than to argue posts, Petri's first story
to a religion board (by the way the anonymous character has penmanship similar
to Mylo's)
Leagues of people froth forward to find this heathen called Petri the Kender
and to convert her to their own religion.
Just then a group of people originating from the Religion board come running
up, each professing the greatness of their religion and then an argument ensues
over which will take the Kender with them.
Muslim: "Our prophet teaches discipline, ethics, and love. Women shall not
show their bodies and you shall cover yourself immediately." He pulls out an AK-47
and aims it the group.
Christian: "My prophet teaches me that life is sacred." He pulls out a gun and
aims it at the Muslim.
Buddhist: "My prophet teaches us that we all need to reaches levels of
enlightenment." Mistaking the true meaning of enlightenment, the Buddhist pours
gasoline all over himself and readies a match.
Petri: "AH my prophet is better than all yours, He grants me three wishes of
my choice AND he hangs out with me all the time cause HEAD lets him."
Petri
pulls out a lantern with a Tequila Worm inside. "Oh you cant really see him hold
on let me light the...."
The nun screams "No." The startled Petri drops the match which lights the
Buddhist on fire. The sudden flame up scares the Christian he shoots the Muslim
and the Muslim pulls the trigger killing the Christian and all other religions
that I have not mentioned. Only the short Petri and the nun are left standing in
the aftermath.
The nun: "OH MY ! LOOK WHAT YOU HAVE DONE !!!"
Petri: "LOOK WHAT I DID ? You're the one that likes to eat shish-ka-bobb people,
you made me drop the match. I am not surprised that you are not already chewing
into them, but then again he is running pretty fast still. You really should not
yell when someone is holding a match. This just goes to show you how dangerous
matches can be."
The nun makes the sign of the cross, mutters some words: "We need to take
you to the Bishop immediately. She grabs Petri by the ear and pulls her along.
**************
Last we saw Petri she was being dragged by her elf-like ears by a nun that
was to deliver the heathen Kender to the nearby bishop.
The two finally arrive to the arch-diocese and await for the return of the
bishop who is out golfing. The bishop arrives and sees the nun holding the
Kender by the ear. The nun quickly fills in the history of the Kender and the
two to look at the inattentive Kender that is milling about in her pouches. The
nun slaps the kneelers hand demanding Petri's attention.
Petri the ego bruised Kender pipes: "DONT FORGET THE PART WHERE YOU SIN AND
FORGOT TO EAT PEOPLE," Petri reminds the nun.
Bishop: "We do not eat people my child, the cross is only a sign to remind us
of what our lord did for our salvation. Have you learned about our lord and God?
For if you have learned about God and accept & love him you pass the gates
and enter heaven."
Petri: "Well what about all the people that HAVE not learned about God. I don’t
think that is fair that you keep all this a secret to them. Only telling people
that YOU want to tell about his secrets is a bit selfish."
Bishop: "Heaven has many levels and those that have not learned of God are not
denied from Heaven. It is the people that have learned of God and have denied
God that will not be allowed in the gates of heaven."
Petri: "In that case you should not have told me about God as I had a better
chance at getting into heaven when I did not have a choice to make.
Now I have to make a choice and if I guess wrong I wont be allowed in.
Besides, I have not met a gate or lock that I could not open. And as Mylo always
says If someone did not want the lock to be picked, they would never have put a
lock on it in the first place."
Bishop: "Child I think you should come to mass with us."
Mass begins and Petri quickly notices that the people surrounding him are
either zombies or brainwashed as they all methodically go through various
rituals of standing, sitting, kneeling and chanting in mundane, unfeeling
unison. Petri makes note to have Iky and Mylo come save these poor miserable
people.
Wine and bread is brought to the bishop and the bishop begins to recite: "This is the body of Christ and this is the blood of Christ."
Petri who had been counting all the nice things that people where giving
away in the basket that was passed around is startled by the words of the bishop.
Petri screams"
"OH NO YOU DONT ! YOUR NOT GOING TO EAT ME YOU BUNCH OF
CANNIBALS ! I KNEW YOU WERE FLESH EATING SAVAGES !"
Petri rushes forward with hoopak in hand, lunging forth she smashes the
goblet of wine and knocks the bread from the hands of another then begins
chasing the choir around. The church erupts in mass hysteria as people lunge for
the doors.
Bishop: "TAKE HER TO THE CARDINAL IMMEDIATELY !!!!"
Whereby the nun grabs the
kicking Kender by the ears and drags her away.
***This is more of a filler - this one sucked, I changed the story. Holding the
one I was going to write today to be written tomorrow, in celebration of
Easter***
As all of the important people know, the nun is pulling Petri along by the ear
to take the little Kender to the Cardinal, to profess her sins and be converted
to Catholicism.
As Petri is being tugged along Petri notices a TV in a passing shop window and
exclaims:
"Wow, Look at that nun she can fly ! Why cant you fly ? Have not
got your wings yet ? I would not give you wings either if you put me on a cross
and served me as waffle cookies to all your demented friends."
Nun: "Hmmmpf, that is all fiction, it is only TV and Sally Field is an
actor."
At this the nun begins watching the show and complaining how
unrealistic the show is, pointing out the inconsistency and faults of the
fraudulent programming. While the nun is distracted Petri decides to slip away
without interrupting the nun and soon returns to the nun's side as the program
of "The Flying Nun" concludes.
"Ok, you little Kender lets
go!"
Petri and the nun arrive to the residence of the cardinal and are quickly
seated inside.
Cardinal: "Hello Petri, I have heard of your recent events as I am an avid
reader of the Kenders."
Petri, showing little interest with the cardinal looks around impatiently:
"Uh huh, say when are we going to see the Cardinals play. Its getting late and
you know how hard it is to see in these new ball diamonds with all those
advertisements glowing and distracting your view."
Cardinal, chuckling: "Oh no Petri I am called the Cardinal. Would you like to
sit down and have some dinner?"
Disgruntled, she slumps down in the chair and looks at the entrées
that grace the dinning table. Not being in the mood for fish, Petri looks in her
pouch and pulls out a couple of hoogies and a few beers that where intended for
a baseball game.
Cardinal: "Oh child, today is Friday and during this time all Catholics
abstain from eating meat. For those that wish to eat meat they eat fish. We do
this to remind ourselves that Jesus went 40 days and 40 nights on a fast and to
remind us of our humility and our sins."
Petri: "You mean to tell me that you don’t eat meat on Fridays in
remembrance for your lord going 40 DAYS without food. But Fish is Ok ? Well
seems to me that you are not very good followers. If I was a God I would pick
Muslims as my people before you Christians. Muslims don’t drink, smoke,
gamble, or charge interest on loans - EVERY DAY. Plus they have to make a
pilgrimage to Mecca to show their faith. Now those are some good followers ! Did
I tell you the story of....."
The cardinal becomes infuriated and tells the nun to take Petri to the Pope
immediately.
As we know Petri is being led to the pope by a tenacious nun. Its a long
voyage and Petri has had time to think about things that the nun has told Petri.
After a looooooongggggg duration of silence by Petri (5 minutes) she speaks out:
"You know I have figured it out Ms. Nun. I think the Apostles where over invested
in fish. The market was dropping out on fish prices and their stock options
where becoming nearly worthless. The reason in the drop was due to overfishing
among the Fish Exporting Countries and the lack of product demand by the public.
The public diet of meat products was growing and the fish industry was hurting
because of the public change in diet.
Finally a meeting was called between the major stockholders in the fishing
industry. Various ideas where thrown around, have different governments outlaw
meat, put high tariffs on meat, etc. etc. But that would cost lots of money in
continuous lobbying efforts. The group was also aware of the public's tendency
to become adversarial to government laws, regulations, and surgeon general
warnings. Then the idea was formed:
1. All members were to form a core organization in which each member would
have equal voting power the new organization; OFEC - Organization of Fish
Exporting Countries would work to stabilize world fish markets and help to
foster policies that would lead to higher fish prices.
2. Recognizing market differences. Each member will form a religious
organization that would impact their market more effectively. The religious
organizations will act as the communication source to encourage fish
consumption. The benefits with religious fronts include; Lower lobbying costs,
non-profit status for taxes, ability to generate additional income through
coffers, and a better ability to sway public opinion."
Petri continues with her theory: "Now these differences in markets can be seen
in the approaches of the different religions that make up OFEC. Christians made
rules of no eating meats on Fridays during Lent, which was based on a
fabrication concocted by the Board of Directors, referred to later as the
Apostles and their Chief Financial Officer, Jesus. Current CEOs are now referred
to as the Pope and the companies biggest award is the Saint of the Decade award.
Other religious organizations used other methods, example Hindus stated that the
cow was sacred. Now this idea was better than anyone ever imagined. Proof of
this is when the Jews expanded their 'Kosher' program that excluded any product
not produced or approved by Judaism. Now this created a big rift in the OFEC
members, leading to some animosity between the Christians and Jews. Another rift
occurred between the Christians and Muslims over patent rights to tarter sauce
which led to the Crusades."
Nun: "You are trying to tell me that all religions are run by one
organization called OFEC ?"
Petri: "Well not all religions. The ones that would not support OFEC.
Either died due to bad marketing ideas or where bought out by the OFEC members.
And there are always new upstarts!"
Nun: "Child you will go to hell for such blasphemies!"
Petri; "Ah the hell idea was concocted by the Human Resources
Department"
Nun: "Ohhhh, not even the Pope can save you!"
Petri; "Save me ? He just wants me to eat more fish. You know he is just
the CEO. The majority owner is John Carpenter from the 1970s group called the
Carpenters. He is direct descendent of Jesus. Who's real name was Jesus
Carpenter."
Nun: "You mean John Carpenter is majority owner of the Catholic church
which is a member of OFEC which was created by Fishing Conglomerates?"
Petri: "Yep, well their are more stock owners the VPs get their own
branch religions like the Mormons, Lutherans, Baptist, maybe even the saints are
given ownership from their ideas and promotions. You know the
majority of Saints come from the Marketing Department."
Nun makes sign of cross as they enter the front room to the Pope's office.
The nun secretary admits Petri into the Pope's office. Petri is
directed to take a seat and wait for the Pope to arrive as he is currently in a
meeting.
Final chapter Petri meets the Pope.
© 2000 Petri Fydlfinger. Used with permission.
As you can see, this story is not quite finished yet. Hopefully, Petri will
finish it soon.
|
Fan art by Wolfen Moondaughter! Fanfiction by Romesh updated! Vote for me below!
