Shadow: *gasp* Really?

Jasom: It’s The The-Pointless-Interview-Show Show!

Ellen: Rain drops on roses

How sweet the sound

Cause your everywhere to me

Pokemon! Oh, you’re my best friend

I’m Popeye the sailor man!

Lita: I really hate you.

Ellen: T.T *sniff* Really?

Shadow: Good going, Lita. Now you made her cry, you moron.

Lita: You’re the moron, Shadow.

Shadow: Are not!

Lita: Are so!

Shadow: Are not!

Lita: Are so!

Shadow: Are-

Emily: CAN IT!

*all are silent*

Emily: Jasom, you may bring in our guest.

Jasom: *holds up trumpet and tries to play fan fare. It’s a very poor attempt, but, with banners waving, Julius Caesar walks in any way, clad in military garb and a red general’s cape. His helmet is tucked under his arm, and his sword is strapped to his side*

Ellen: Oh…. Shiny!

Caesar: o.O Erm….. I was told this was a Military Meeting.

Lita: Jasom, you lied to him?

Jasom: *points up at the bright light that is Emily* She told me to!

Shadow: Oh no…. Sir, I’m afraid there’s been some mistake.

Caesar: *looks annoyed* Look, being Dictator for Life is a full time job! That’s why it’s for life. I don’t have time to get all dressed up, walk in, and just leave! Do you have any idea how long it took the slaves to polish this armor?

Ellen: No, not really.

Lita: Some might call that obsessive.

Caesar: I call it being dressed for success. You can see that it works, because I’m dictator of Rome! So ha!

Shadow: Look, I said I was sorry!

Caesar: Fine, fine…. I’ll just go now, I guess.

Ellen: *starts laughing* No, you can’t go! We need to interview you.

Caesar: *pulls back* You’re not that Shakespeare guy again, are you? *looks around for hidden cameras* It’s all a lie!

Shadow: No, I’m Shadow-

Lita: I’m Lita. That’s my brother, Jasom, over there, and –

Ellen: I’m Ellen, and the shiny light up above is Emily!

*Caesar looks up*

Emily: Hi there.

Caesar: ….. This is extremely odd….. Are you a god?

Emily: You wish!

Caesar: Look, can I leave now?

Shadow: Nope. Sit down, mister Julius, sir, and prepare to be bombarded with questions!

Egos: MUHAHAHAH!

Caesar: o.O

Jasom: O.O You’d better sit. I think I saw Ellen eating Sugar Crunchies in the Snack Room.

Caesar: *looks mad, but sits down anyway* This is an outrage! I am Gaius Julius Caesar, conqueror of the Gauls, commander of legions, victor over Pompey!

Ellen: Over who?

Shadow: *pat’s Ellen’s arm* Nobody dear.

Caesar: He was not nobody! He was an over sexed pretty boy, to be sure, but he wasn’t stupid! I still beat his-

Lita: Ah! Language! This is PG.

Caesar: What’s that?

Shadow: Look, Mr. Gaius, Julius; I’m terribly sorry about the mix up, but you can’t leave. We booked you for an interview, and we can’t let you go until we ask you a few questions.

Lita: And even then we might not let you go.

Ellen: Yeah, I thought I still heard Jaxom in the closet once…. <.<

Lita: >.>……..What? It wasn’t me, I swear!

Shadow: <.<….. Right…… Well, that’s not the point. Sorry, Caesar. You’re stuck.

Caesar: *pouts* Fine. Ask your stupid questions so I can leave!

Lita: To start out with, let’s ask our own questions, since there’s still only one question in the mail bag of doom.

Egos: *sob*

Caesar: *sweat*

Ellen: Okay! Mr. Caesar; may I have your sword.

Jasom: Don’t give it to her!

Caesar: o.O No……

Ellen: *pouts* T.T Please????

Caesar: No! Don’t make me turn dictator-y!

Ellen: Fine….

Shadow: Next question! Gaius, how do you respond to the rumors that you’re bisexual.

Caesar: What, now you’ve heard it too? Gods, will it never stop?

Lita: But how do you explain all the chummy chumminess with all those guy buddies?

Caesar: We were in the army together! You don’t lust after someone you were in the army bleeding and dying with. It’s just not done!

Ellen: But do you lust after guys period?

Caesar: ….. I guess if I got drunk enough I would….

Shadow: A confession!

Caesar: *sweat* Oh come on! You can’t say you wouldn’t do the same if you were drunk enough!

Lita: Lust after guys if I was drunk? Yeah, sure, but that doesn’t sound half as weird when I say it as when you say it!

Caesar: But… But!

Ellen: I’ve got a good example! What about you and Brutus?

Caesar: O.O Me? And Brutus? Ewwww…..

Shadow: What about Marc Antony?

Caesar: Definitely not! We’re cousins! You’d have to get me pretty drunk to do something like that. And it’s been a very, very, very long time since I got drunk enough to do anything with someone of the same sex.

Lita: Darn….

Caesar: What? I’m surrounded. So help me gods, I’m surrounded!

Ellen: You bet!

Shadow: My turn. How do you feel on how William Shakespeare made you look in the Tragedy of Julius Caesar?

Caesar: *glares* He made me look old and decrepit. Not to mention an old fuddy duddy, and a frightened one at that!

Lita: Aw, come on! There’s gotta be something you’re afraid of.

Caesar: *waves sword in the air* Caesar fears nothing! The only exception would be sudden death of family members.

Ellen: Like?

Caesar: Well, I’m quite attached to Caesarion, if you must know.

Egos: Awww….

Jasom: *hold up sign to the audience saying “Go Awww….” Audience goes Awww.

Jasom drops card*

Caesar: *blushes* Oh come on, he’s my son! Of course I care about my son!

*Audience goes Awww again*

Caesar: *gets frustrated* Back on topic, you know what else made me mad about that book? How Brutus is the big, tragic hero, so torn between his two moral standards!

Shadow: *dressed as a physiatrist* And how did that make you feel?

Caesar: Mad as Hades! Brutus never had a tragic and sweet thought in his life, save drooling over my daughter Julia. And that was just sorta creepy!

Lita: so why did you hang out with him so much?

Caesar: Because I felt bad for not letting him marry her…. But that’s not the point! He’s the one who killed me, remember! I’m the tragic one! I’m the one who ends up dead!

Shadow: *pats arm* I’m sure we all understand, dear.

Caesar: *pouts* It’s not fair!

Lita: Well, can you say Shakespeare didn’t portray you well? I mean, no offense, but you are kinda old.

Caesar: But not deaf! And not afraid of Cassius or any of his goons! I’m twice the man he’ll ever be! And if anyone’s gay, it’s Cassius! Just look how he and Brutus drool over each other!

Ellen: o.O Ew….

Shadow: Well, once again, you are old.

Caesar: Yes, but I wasn’t a vegetable! I’ll have you know that Cleopatra was quite fond of me, and I certainly wasn’t dead then! I got a son out of the whole business.

Lita: Pedophile!

Caesar: o.O What?

Ellen: O.O You’re thirty years older than she is!

Caesar: That’s not the point! And I am not a pedophile! I mean, she started the whole business, not me! Oh! She seduced me! What now?

Jasom: I say he has a point.

Shadow: You would say that. You’re a guy. You’re kind think alike!

Jasom and Caesar: What the-

Lita: Just shut up, Jasom!

Jasom: Fine!

Caesar: Look, the point is, I simply don’t think the book was accurate. You can look at tons of other books; I wasn’t deaf in any of Colleen McCullough’s books! Or Karen Essex!

Ellen: Whatever. I’m all out of questions. How ‘bout you guys?

Lita and Shadow: Yeah, I guess.

Ellen: Yeahness! Onto the mail bag of doom! MUAHAHA!

All: O.O

*thunder claps. Insert dramatic music*

Ellen: Scared now Caesar?

Caesar: *waving sword again* Caesar fears nothing!

Shadow: He better, because this question is from the Queen of Dementedness!

Caesar: O.O who’s that?

Lita: Emily’s friend Charlene!

All: O.O

*thunder claps. Insert dramatic music*

Ellen: Okay, and the question is… Do you like bunnies?

Caesar: *blinks* o.O Do I what?

Ellen: Do you like bunnies?

Caesar: Erm….. I-

Lita: No, Ellen, you’re holding the card upside down. *flips card over* It says-

Ellen: Hold on! I want to know if he likes bunnies!

Caesar: I…..I guess so? o.O

Shadow: Ignore her, please.

Lita: The card says did you invent the Caesar Salad?

Caesar: For the millionth time no!

Ellen: That clears that little matter up then. But here’s a bigger question: Do you like cows?

Caesar: o.O Uhhhh…….

Shadow: Ellen, stop it!

Jasom: Well, that’s our show for today!

Caesar: I guess I like cows……

Jasom: Be sure to tune in next time, or you might miss everyone’s favorite inspector, Javert!

Lita: Goody!

Ellen: Does he like cows?

Shadow: I do not pretend to know, Ellen.

Jasom: This show was brought to you by Slave Market Polishing Services. If you want it to shine for free, this is how it’s done! The creator of us, Shadow13, does not own Gaius Julius Caesar, as much as she wishes she did. She does own, however, Shadow, Lita, and Ellen!

Shadow: So, Caesar! Want to join us for cocktails at the bar?

Caesar: Aren’t you all underage?

Lita: If you’re going to get technical on us, Caesar-

Ellen: Oh! Can we go! Please! Please say yes, Caesar!

Caesar: Will you stop asking if I’m gay?

Shadow: Yes!

Caesar: Do you promise?

Lita: Okay….

Ellen: Until next time-

Shadow: We’re going to get stinking drunk!

Egos: See ya!