Shadow: *clenched teeth* Emily…. I want out of here…. Now……
Emily: *is laughing maniacally* Oh, this is fun! Torturing my three egos with a dating game….. I’ve got to agree with the network more often. Or you three need to get drunk more often.
Lita: Thank you, but no. One hangover is enough for me.
Ellen: Why does goo float? *pokes lava lamp*
Shadow: *hand to temple* Good God….
Jasom: *is laughing hysterically* And now, all the way from Valentines Day-
Lita: Jasom, I swear I’m going to punch you in the nose!
Jasom: It’s The The-Pointless-Interview-Show Show!
Ellen: *opens her mouth to sing, but is stopped as really corny, “romantic,” theme music comes on. Looks confused.*
Jasom: *is handed a card* Oh, right. Scratch that. It’s The The-Pointless-Dating-Game Show!
Ellen: *tries to sing the theme song again, but is stopped by the cheesy music once again.* But that’s my job!
Shadow: o.O Can we leave now? I don’t like it here.
Emily: Nope! MUAHAHAHAH!
All: O.O
Emily: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen. We’re going to pull the curtain up from the boxes where our five handsome, and one horribly disfigured-
Erik: Hey!
Emily: Contestant number one likes stalking the woman he loves and cussing out dead kings, please welcome Marius Pontmercy of Les Miserables.
Marius: *blinks and waves shyly*
Emily: Contestant number two is way too old for any of these girls, but we dragged him back here anyway! He enjoys snuff, hunting down 24601, and spying on college revolutionaries. Please welcome Monsieur Javert!
Javert: *has his arms crossed and is glaring*
Emily: Contestant number three is a rich Viscomte who enjoys chasing after scarves and obsessing over opera house stars, give a warm hand to Raoul de Changy!
Raoul: *Smiles and waves*
Emily: And the ugly one-
Erik: I’m wearing the mask, darn it! Isn’t that enough for you people?
Emily: Who can sing like an angel-
Erik: Well that’s a little bit better.
Emily: He enjoys kidnapping young women and trying to force them to marry him, or else he’ll blow up the Opera House. Please welcome, Erik, the Phantom of the Opera!
Erik: *bows*
Emily: Contestant number five is the richest man in all of England. He enjoys the latest fashions, kissing the ground where his wife just walked, and saving helpless aristos from their doom. Let’s hear a big round of applause for Sir Percy Blakeney, the Scarlet Pimpernel!
Percy: *gives an over dramatic bow and then straightens his cuffs*
Chauvelin: *is glaring in the direction of Percy’s box and has a murderous look on his face*
Emily: And last, but certainly not least, is contestant number six! He enjoys beheadings, catching the Scarlet Pimpernel-
Percy: Which he hasn’t been able to do yet!
Chauvelin: Shut up!
Emily: and trying to seduce married woman. Let’s hear it for Citizen Chauvelin!
Chauvelin: *is taking a pinch of snuff*
Shadow: You are having way too much fun with this, Emily.
Emily: Can we do this again next week?
Egos: *shout* No!
Emily: *pouts* All right, then you better start asking the questions. Shadow, you go first.
Shadow: Contestants, I prize intellect in a guy. Would you consider yourself smart? Let’s go with you, contestant number one.
Marius: Well, I would say so. I went to college to become a lawyer.
Shadow: Okay, that’s a start. How about you contestant number two?
Javert: I don’t want to be here.
Shadow: Well obviously. Just answer the question.
Javert:….I guess…..
Shadow: Care to elaborate on that?
Javert: No.
Shadow: Okay then…. Contestant number three?
Raoul: Yes, I would. I was sent to the best schools my brother could afford to send me to.
Shadow: Very nice! Four?
Erik: Music has been scientifically proven to help the brain in mathematics and sciences. Since I am a master of music, I would say yes, I am extremely intellectual. More so that pretty boy Viscomte over there!
Emily: Now boys, no fighting. Unfortunately for the both of you, Christine’s not here.
Raoul: Then why are we here?
Emily: Because the network forced you at gun point.
Raoul: O.O Oh, right…. Forgot about that.
Shadow: Moving on to number five.
Chauvelin: Don’t expect an idiot like him to be intelligent!
Percy: It’s my question! You get your turn later! I tend to act quite stupid and foppish, but this is just a guise to hide my real intellectual power, which I use to effect hundreds of daring escapes.
Shadow: I like it! Number six?
Chauvelin: Yes, I am intelligent, which is why I am a powerful chief agent in the People’s Republic of France!
Shadow: Okay, rock on with that. Lita’s turn.
Lita: Okay….. hmm…. Contestants, I enjoy colorful surroundings. What’s your favorite color? Let’s start with you, Monsieur Chagny.
Raoul: I…..I don’t have a favorite color….Hm….I love whatever color Christine is wearing. She looks stunning in everything! *sighs*
Lita: Okay, I don’t think I’ll be dating you anytime soon. Number four?
Erik: I enjoy many types of color, but look especially intimidating in black.
Lita: You consider intimidation a source of pride?
Erik: Well….erm… I…..
Lita: Moving on. Contestant number five, what is your favorite color?
Percy: I enjoy all shades of red. Quite a nice color, red.
Lita: Agreed. Number six?
Chauvelin: Black.
Lita: Just black?
Chauvelin: Black, and the colors of my beloved revolutionary flag!
Lita: Nope, probably not dating you either. Back to number one!
Marius: I, too, adore the colors of the flag!
Lita: What is it with men and flags? How about you, Chief Inspector? Do you have flag fetish?
Javert: I have no preference in colors.
Lita: None?
Javert: None at all.
Lita: Man, you’re worse than the citizen over there…..
Ellen: My turn!
Shadow: You can’t be serious!
Ellen: Of course I am! I am a bachelorette on this game, and I get a turn! Contestants, do you like cows?
Contestants: *blink* What?
Ellen: Do you like cows?
Percy: They’re a tad too smelly for my tastes.
Chauvelin: Like wise.
Ellen: Marius?
Marius: Um…… I don’t know?
Ellen: Bad answer! Javert, on to you!
Javert: We’ve been through this. I have no emotional attachments to any farm animal of any kind.
Ellen: And you two?
Raoul: Uh…. I’ve never spent much time with the bovine species.
Ellen: More’s the pity. Onto you, number four.
Erik: Cows are misunderstood…. Like me.
*we hear the gong of a bell*
Emily: That sound means it’s time for our artistic part of the show. A random card is drawn, and contestants must do whatever the card says. *selects card* The card says to sing your romantic interlude. Let’s start with you, Monsieur Pontmercy.
Marius: A heart full of love
A heart full of song!
I’m doing everything all wrong!
Oh God for shame-
Shadow: *Cut’s him off* And you’re done.
Marius: But I wasn’t finished.
Lita: Sorry, stalker boy, but that song is just a bit too creepy when you stare into space like that.
Marius: *pouts* But I was thinking of my beloved Cosette!
Shadow: Good! Think of her some other time! Next!
Javert: *stubbornly* I don’t sing romantic interludes.
Ellen: Aw, come on Inspector! Show your sensitive side!
Javert: o.O…..No.
Shadow: Well at least sing something!
Javert: Very well.
….God be my witness
I never shall yield
Till we come face to face.
Till we come face to face.
Lita: That was creepier than Marius’!
Javert: I told you I don’t do romance.
Ellen: Whatever. Onto you, Raoul!
Raoul: Let me be your freedom
Let daylight dry your tears.
I’m here, with you, besides you
To comfort and to guide you.
Shadow: Awww, that’s cute. Onto you, Erik!
Erik: Night time sharpens
Heightens each sensation
Darkness stirs and
Wakes imagination
Lita: I guess that was romantic…. How about you, Sir Percy?
Percy: When she whispered through the dark
I tried hard to hold my ground
I believed I had a choice
Till the music in her voice
Turned my whole world around!
Ellen: Awww…. You’re so sweet! And finally, you Chauvelin!
Chauvelin: Marguerite, don’t forget I know who you are.
We were cut from the same surly star,
Like to two jewels in the sky sharing fire!
Where’s the girl so alive and still aching for more?
We had dreams that were worth dying for!
Percy: Stop singing about my wife!
Chauvelin: You know she likes me more.
Percy: Does not!
Chauvelin: Does so!
Percy: Not!
Chauvelin: So!
Emily: That’s enough! That ends that round. More questions.
Shadow: My turn again. Contestants, what animal do you connect yourself with?
Marius: Erm….. A dog, since I’m so loyal to my friends?
Shadow: Okay….. How about you, inspector?
Javert: A hawk that will never cease to hunt down Valjean!
Shadow: Creepy. Okay, onto you, number three.
Raoul: I’m kinda with Marius on this one….
Shadow: Whatever. Next.
Erik: The cunning wolf, who sings his nightly song!
Shadow: Creative! Next?
Percy: The noble eagle!
Shadow: Patriotic. And you, citizen?
Chauvelin: *singing* A Falcon in the dive!!!!!!!!!!
Shadow: An artistic answer! Extra points. Next questions!
Lita: Erm…. I don’t really have any more questions.
Emily: So make something up.
Lita: Uh….. What’s your favorite article of clothing, contestant number four?
Erik: My mask. Though my big black cape is pretty snazzy.
Lita: Yes, you radiate snazziness. Onto you, number five.
Percy: My gold rimmed eye glass. It’s quite a lot of fun.
Lita: Well, that’s different. Number six?
Chauvelin: My tri-color sash of the Republic!
Lita: Okay, I think you need to get a hobby.
Chauvelin: I have a hobby.
Lita: That doesn’t involve beheadings?
Chauvelin: *pouts* I’m so misunderstood.
Erik: That’s my line!
Lita: Moving on to number one!
Marius: Erm….. buttons are nice, I suppose?
Lita: Okay….. Number two?
Javert: Ummm…. My coat?
Lita: It’s a very nice coat. And now you, number three.
Raoul: I like scarves. I once chased after Christine’s scarf. It fell in the sea and I swam out to get it!
Lita: Okay, Emily, I don’t like any of these guys. They all have strange obsessions and are creepy >.>…..
Emily: Tough. Onto you, Ellen.
Ellen: Contestants, do you like-
Shadow: Ellen, don’t say cows.
Ellen: I wasn’t going to say cows, I was going to say bunnies!
Shadow: We are not asking them if they like bunnies!
Ellen: *pouts* No fair….
Shadow: I’m going to go again. What are your favorite things, contestants? Number two?
Javert: …. Um, I like hats, I guess….
Shadow: Okay…. Number three?
Raoul: I love whatever Christine loves.
Shadow: Obsessive. Number four?
Erik: I love my organ, on which I compose my music.
Shadow: Well, that’s the most rational answer I’ve heard yet. Number five?
Percy: There’s these tiny flowers. They’re actually quite common, but they’re red and in the shape of a star. They’re called Scarlet Pimpernel. I like those.
Shadow: Flowers! That’s always cute. You, six?
Chauvelin: I love Madame La Guillotine! *insert maniacal laugh here*
All:>.>……..
Chauvelin: <.<….. I mean….kittens?
Shadow: Okay…… number one?
Marius: I love my country’s flag.
Shadow: That’s really on the same track as Citizen Chauvelin, but okay.
Lita: My turn! Contestants, who is your favorite person in the whole wide world? Number four?
Erik: Christine, my beloved soprano!
Percy: My wife, Marguerite.
Lita: Cute. And you, citizen, and no, it cannot be a collective body of people.
Chauvelin: Then, in that case, I love Marguerite, too.
Shadow: I sense a fight coming on…
Lita: Number one?
Marius: My beloved Cosette!
Javert: The prefect of police.
Lita: Some one needs to get a life! Number three?
Raoul: Christine, as well. And she loves me more than the Phantom of the Opera!
Erik: Shut up, you stupid little-
Emily: Ah, no swearing, we’re on television.
Erik: *pouts and glares*
Ellen: My turn!
Shadow: Is it a sane question, Ellen?
Ellen: Yes!
Lita: All right then, let’s hear it.
Ellen: Contestants, what is your favorite building?
Shadow: Good question, Ellen!
Ellen: ^^ I know.
Percy: I love my Richmond estate.
Ellen: Classy. And you, monsieur?
Chauvelin: Umm…. I don’t really know….
Ellen: Scratch points for lack of creativity! Onto you, number one!
Marius: I love Cosette’s house, where I go to visit her!
Ellen: Creepy. Next.
Javert: The police station.
Ellen: Once again, get a hobby. Number three?
Raoul: I love the Paris Opera House!
Ellen: Four?
Erik: Like wise.
Shadow: Okay, onto my question! Contestants, what do you do in your spare time? Erik?
Erik: I abduct young girls and teach them the finer points of singing.
Shadow: I like the last part, but the other things is just….. creepy. Number five?
Percy: I enjoy effecting daring escapes and saving aristos from Madame La Guillotine!
Shadow: Wonderful! Number six?
Chauvelin: I-
Shadow: Other than killing aristos!
Chauvelin: *pouts* I wasn’t going to say that!
Shadow: Were so.
Chauvelin: Not
Shadow: So.
Chauvelin: I was going to say I enjoy hunting down the Scarlet Pimpernel and trying to seduce Marguerite.
Percy: And yet, he’s unsuccessful at both.
Chauvelin: *glares*
Shadow: A bit one tracked, but okay. Number one?
Marius: I enjoy stalking Cosette and building barricades!
Shadow: o.O Okay…. Number two?
Javert: I enjoy hunting down escaped convicts.
Shadow: These are not hobbies people! Pick a hobby!
Raoul: I like going to the Opera House.
Shadow: Finally! That’s an actual hobby! Extra credit for you, Monsieur Viscomte.
Raoul: ^^ Yeah!
*we hear another gong of a bell*
Emily: Oh, and we’re all out of time. Stay tuned, because after the commercial break, our three lovely ladies will pick who they will be chained to on a romantic night on the town!
Egos: *groan*
Contestants: *groan*
1: They’re Rust proof, water proof, fire proof, nut proof, atomic bomb proof, bullet proof, proof proof!
2: What?
1: Stop floods with they’re amazing absorbent power!
2: But you said they were water proof!
1: No I didn’t!
2: Yes, you did.
1: No, I didn’t.
2: Yes-
1: *whacks him upside the head with a hammer* And remember, that’s Johnson’s pre cut stringettes for all your house hold needs!
Egos: *are writing things on cards*
Emily: And, bachelorette number one, Shadow, who did you pick?
Shadow: *grudgingly holds up card* I picked Marius.
Emily: o.O Why?
Shadow: Cause Lita picked the one I wanted and we had to flip for it.
Marius: I’m hurt!
Emily: Right then…. Who did you pick, then, Lita?
Lita: *holds up card* I chose Erik, the angel of music!
Erik: But I love Christine!
Lita: Too bad. I like musically talented guys.
Erik: *pouts*
Raoul: *points and laughs*
Emily: And Ellen, who did you pick?
Ellen: *holds up card* I picked cows!
All: o.O?
Emily: Ellen, cows weren’t an option.
Ellen: T.T Are you sure?
Emily: -.- Yes, I’m sure.
Ellen: *crosses it out* Fine. I pick Chauvelin.
Chauvelin: There is no way I’m going on a date with that maniac!
Emily: Well, lucky for you, citizen, there’s still hope, because that only marks the half way point of our show!
All: It does?
Emily: Yes. Now that the cream of the crop has been chosen, we ask you one question, and then the egos decide on their perfect match.
Javert: *walks off set, intensely relieved*
Raoul: *walks off to his beloved Christine*
Percy: *walks off to his beloved Marguerite*
Emily: *selects a random card* And the question is……
Jasom: *cues drum roll*
Emily: If the world were going to end tomorrow, what would be the last thing you would do?
Marius: I would confess my undying love for Cosette, and die with her in my arms!
Shadow: Aw….^^
Erik: I would sing one last song with my beloved Christine before letting her go and be with the man she truly loves for her last few moments.
Lita: T.T Self sacrifice!
Chauvelin: I would….. Erm…. I would try and seduce Marguerite one more time, and if she said no, try and kill her husband one last time!
Ellen:…. Not so cute.
Emily: Okay, they’ve given they’re answers, now let’s see who the egos pick!
Egos: *write on cards again*
Shadow: I chose Erik.
Erik: *bows*
Lita: I chose Chauvelin.
Emily: o.O Why?
Lita: Because I love it when he sings *shudders happily*
Ellen: That leaves me Marius.
Marius: But I love Cosette!
Ellen: Too bad!
Jasom: Well, ladies and gentlemen, that wraps up this week’s show. Tune in next time when we see what happens when we take them on their romantic dates!
Egos: WHAT?!
Shadow: Emily, you said this was a one episode deal!
Emily: ^^ I lied.
Lita: *looks about ready to kill*
Jasom: This week’s episode was brought to you by Johnson’s Stringettes. Next week’s show will be too, because that’s how we’re going to tie the love birds together!
Egos: What?!
Jasom: aw, come on. If we don’t tie you up, you’ll try and make a run for it, and I am not running with this camera!
Egos: *pout*
Jasom: Shadow13 does not own any of the characters listed, though she really wishes she did. However, she does own Shadow-
Shadow: Erik, will you sing for me later?
Erik: But of course, Mademoiselle!
Shadow: ^^
Jasom: Lita-
Lita: *smirking* So…. you like kittens, huh?
Chauvelin: *glares* I don’t want to talk about it.
Jasom: Ellen-
Ellen: Marius, do you think we could visit a cow farm on our date?
Marius: I sincerely hope not.
Jasom: Myself, and Emily, but then, she is Emily. The author would also like to make it clear that she is an avid supporter of keeping characters in cannon, including their relationships. And while she supports the musicals that all these characters are in, she urges people to read the books. This also means she supports Raoul and Christine being together, Marius and Cosette being together, and Percy and Marguerite being together, because Chauvelin is pure evil in the book. She also wants to add that while Chauvelin is evil incarnate in the book, on stage he is just about the cutest thing ever. *gags* Stay tuned next week!
Egos: *glumly* see ya…..
Speaker 1: It’s the ultimate in string! It’s Johnson’s pre cut, stringettes! They can help you tie very small packages, tie messages to pigeon’s legs, they can even walk the dog
Speaker 2: No they ca-
Emily: And we’re back. We asked our three lovely bachelorettes, Shadow, Lita, and Ellen, to interview six literary characters to see who they’d date. Now, the questions have been asked, and we’re about to see who they pick!