I have liked this person almost since the first day we struck up a friendship four years ago. For a significant amount of that time I have considered him to be Off-Limits, as he was dating someone else, and so I turned my attentions inward. But now we talk on the phone weekly, and (I think) our friendship is developing, and I am practically digging my fingernails into my own mental arm to not extrapolate that friendship into something more than it is. The other day I DID admit to him that I had �had� a crush on him back when I first met him; I omitted the part about still having a crush on him now. And so I lie awake until I either fall asleep out of sheer will, or I get up and write furiously in my journal. I really, really like this guy.
He was surprised at my revelation of my supposedly �former� crush; he said that he was surprised that anyone would have found him attractive.
(*becky stands up and waves her arms madly, saying, �I do! I do!! I think you�re wonderful, and talented, and sweet, and kind, not to mention cute!!!*)
But of course, I have no clue as to whether those feelings would ever be reciprocated, or if he wants the friendship to remain merely a platonic one. And then there�s that whole distance thing (Virginia to Florida) and that whole race thing (it doesn�t matter to me, but I don�t know how he would feel about dating a woman of color) and... and...
Rational Brain is whipsawing me upside the head for even telling him I had a crush on him in the past. �You probably scared him off already,� it murmurs. And then there�s my illness. Rational Brain demands to know: �Do you honestly think anyone would want to date someone as sick as you?!� and these are all questions I am afraid to ask�I am afraid of even bringing up the fact that I still like him... a lot...
I guess we�ll find out how courageous I am when we talk this weekend (I might call him tomorrow). Most likely I�ll chicken out and talk about the weather. I want to follow the path in life that God has for me, not forge a false one of my own which would only lead to heartbreak and pain...
But I still like him. A LOT. I see many more sleepless nights in my future...