| Every parent leaves something behind for their children to remember them by. Lily Evans didn�t know, when she left her diary behind that it would help her son into knowing her and himself�or did she? Disclaimer: Ah, if you�ve read this far you should be aware of what�s mine and what�s not, so lets move on. A couple of personal notes: Anime Ambreen and Poke� Manic: I think what you�re asking is how do they find time to study with all the extra stuff I threw in the plot, right? Well, for one thing the Animagi training is only so often, like on weekends and days where their schedule isn�t crazy, and they read the diary at night (somehow, I think that out of the three of them, Ron is the only one who�d be missing sleep). Sailor Sol: I don�t agree. I think Dumbledore has given Snape all the little epithets that he needs, and now Severus is starting to cross a dangerous line, and needs to hear things straight to avoid doing so. Just my opinion, though. PinkPantherLady: I�d like to have the whole Harry and Hermione denial thing over with, too, but since that would get in the way of my plot, I won�t be able to do that for a few more chapters, as you�ll see at the end of this one. Sorry. I want to thank everyone for their wonderful and (sometimes) constructive reviews. I�m up to 123! Can you believe that? YAY! Anyway, and now: on with the fic. Harry Potter and the Knowledge of a Mother Chapter 10: Jenna Harry and Hermione were again sitting by themselves in the common room, enveloped by the quiet of the night as the rest of the house slept while they sat in front of that warm, magical, crackling fire. Hermione�s voice wrapped around him like a warm blanket as she spoke his mother�s words. Lily had been worried for the past several weeks. James, it seemed, had been taking far too much interest in the Death Eaters� movements, and, in particular, of the attacks against the muggle-born. She feared it might have meant that he had a thought in mind to stop them. She didn�t want to lose him. That was why she went to him, one day, after overhearing a conversation between James and someone of their house that was closely connected to the Ministry of Magic where the two were exchanging information. I couldn�t keep quite anymore. He�s been deliberately hiding this from me (probably because he knows I�d be against it), and I can�t stand it anymore. I can�t just stay back and watch as he gets himself neck deep into troubles that he shouldn�t feel are his own. I know that he�s doing this because of his family. Because Voldemort took them. I know he still feels all that hatred inside of him. And I also know that, to some small extent, he�s doing this because of me. And I won�t let him. As soon as his "informant" walked off, I walked in, and we instantly fell into a fight. He accused me of eavesdropping. Well, what else was I supposed to do when he wasn�t talking to me. It was probably the longest fight we�ve had in a long time. Usually, we just bicker. This was all out shouting in the middle of the hall, two centimetres from each other�s faces, accusing the other of keeping secrets. That�s when I blew. When he said I was keeping secrets. I practically spit in his face that he nearly knew my entire life from the day I was born till now, while he�well, he didn�t even tell me about his parents � "And now, you�re trying to keep secrets from me! You think I can�t see you sneaking around, getting your precious information on the Death Eaters, chasing your own grave, and for what?" I yelled at his face He slammed his fists against the wall, that until then, I hadn�t even noticed was behind my shoulder. He�d cornered me, or maybe I�d cornered myself. Either way, the yelling stopped then, and he just looked at me with the most loving, enraged, tempestuous expression he�s ever worn in front of me. We didn�t speak for a long time. Then� "I can�t just watch while they kill Muggle-borns and worrying, thinking, and sometimes, knowing that you could be next." How was I supposed to argue with that. Voldemort had taken everything away from him. Everything. All he had now was here in this school. The Marauders, his vital friends, and myself. We�re all that he has left, and he wants to protect us. He went on to tell me that there are other people, both within and outside of the school, that would give us support, that they might be able to prevent at least some of those deaths, but it was useless of him trying to convince me by that point. He�d already won me over. I just wrapped my arms around him, and we drew comfort from each other, even if we both knew that it might eventually bring to our deaths. After that they established a circle, formed of about twenty-five people between Hogwarts students and outsiders, which consisted mainly in searching for possible victims and warned them of the possible attack. Still in the middle of reading an entry, they were scared out of their wits as the portrait hole swung open to let Ron�clad in the Invisibility Cloak, back from one of his frequent visits to the Astronomy Tower in the company of Krista Perril�who sauntered in with the biggest, goofiest grin of his life spreading from of his ears to the other. He looked disgustingly happy to both Harry and Hermione, who�d been envying him for his flourishing relationship with the Ravenclaw for quite a duration of time. They didn�t bother asking what made him so happy, they cared very little as a matter of fact, but he told them anyway. "She loves me," he exclaimed. "SHE LOVES ME!" He repeated, this time trying to wake up the whole house to let them know. However he quieted down almost instantly and immersed himself in a very fast and lengthy description of exactly what had happened to bring his spirits to such high skies. Both of them ignored him, but let him finish just to humour him. "Good for you, Ron," Hermione cut in before he could go into a second, more detailed retelling of the evening, rather annoyed at him, "now, listen to this," she told him, and dived into a much more interesting and entertaining description of what Lily had revealed. "Wait," paused Ron after hearing the whole story. "That sounds sort of like the Order of the Phoenix," he pointed out. "Keep reading, we�ll see if we can find out anything else," he indulged. Indeed, reading on they did find some other rather shocking revelations. Two were the most amazing. One, Wormtail was actually the one that found out most of the information. He�d sneak in the Slytherin dungeons, hide in some convenient dark spot, and listen in on the conversation of some of the most influential pupils (which he knew were Death Eaters, or at least were close to some). The other, was that Dumbledore found them out almost instantly. All the students involved had been called into his office for a very confidential meeting. They were all terrified that they might get expelled for what they were doing, but found instead, that the ancient Headmaster supported them, and was actually willing to lend a helping hand�or as many as he could find. He would support them in shadow and cover for them when the need came. Another thing that made the Trio a bit sick was the fact that Dumbledore kept on telling both James and Lily to be careful of the ones around them. Lily feared what he said, because the visions she had of one close to them turning to the Dark Side kept haunting her, but James was confident that not one of the members of the circle�the only people he was closely contacting with on regular basis at the time�would ever betray him or his cause. Oh, had he been wrong! Harry was the one to speak, but he only voiced what the other two had already decided was necessary. "First chance tomorrow we�ll go talk to Dumbledore." �*� The next day, after classes were over, the Trio found themselves sitting before the Headmaster, after having told him with awkward words what they�d found out, and were, presently, even more awkwardly waiting for him to say something. He just stared at them. It was as though he was trying to read each one of them, to know what they all thought of what they found out, and what would come of it from each of them. "Yes," he finally answered in his usual quiet manner, but they all noticed that the twinkle in his eyes was quite dimmed at the moment, though there nonetheless. "The members of that circle are now all part of the Order of the Phoenix," he explained simply, which didn�t actually answer any of their questions, but was a start anyhow. "Oh," Harry mumbled as he shifted uncomfortably in his seat. Dumbledore looked at him long and hard before telling him, "They saved a lot of lives," it wasn�t missed by any that he was referring to Lily and James. "And lost their own," Harry replied, surprising calm and steady, though his lack of expression was almost eerie. "Yes," Dumbledore confirmed. "Yes," Harry echoed. Swiftly, the old wizard changed subject. "Professor McGonagall tells me your Animagi training is going quite well," he voiced quietly. "Yes," Harry mumbled, steady and quiet. "Tomorrow you will try to morph," it wasn�t a question. "Yes," Harry answered anyway, just as expressionless as before Get some rest in light of that," Dumbledore dismissed them. Wordlessly the three left the office, and Ron and Hermione left Harry alone with his thoughts, knowing that talking to him before he figured any of it out would only make things worse. Harry spent the remainder of the day trying to leave his thoughts behind as he attempted to outrun them on his trusty Firebolt, but they were too quick, even for him. They always caught up with him. He finally slumped in his bed with question about The Circle, his parents, and Severus Snape. His last thought before he lost consciouness was, "What if he became Death Eater just to oppose my father?" �*� "Very good," announced Professor Minerva McGonagall as she dismissed her three soon to be Animagi students. "We will try a full transfiguration next time," she announced proudly. Well, none of them had managed to reach their full form, nor was anyone expecting them too, but the results were, in any case, very fruitful. Ron had whiskers, and Hermione had sprouted a beautifully unusual golden tail, which were gone at the moment. Harry had, at one moment, been covered head to toe in feathers, which had been rather a funny sight, and he still didn�t understand how he managed it from the lack of sleep the previous night. He�d only managed to doze off somewhere near sunrise, and had to wake less then an hour later. In any case, when Ron suggested they go read the diary again (since Krista was busy with her friend�s for the evening) he didn�t protest, and soon they were all sitting in the nearly empty common room. They had reached a particularly interesting point of Lily�s Hogwarts life. The day that Sirius Black spilled the beans about the Whomping Willow. We should have known Sirius would lose it like that after Snape said that about James� family. James himself doesn�t think much of Snape, he says he�s only a pile of human meat with only envy and maliciousness resting inside of him, so Severus didn�t faze James in the least. But Sirius� temper is so different. He loved James� family dearly, as much as his own, and I thought it was actually very disturbing when all he did when Severus spoke the words was look at him crossly and walk off. For hours, I felt his hatred boiling as though it were a deadly potion simmering over a low flame until it came to boiling point. And come to boiling point it did. Right after dinner, as I was making my way to the Head Boy and Girl dormitories (without James because it�s a full moon) I felt it. I was living it the very moment it was playing. Sirius, with still some time left over before having to go meet Remus, waited for Severus. When he came�it was awful. I saw his face, full of a rage that I�d never have thought possible in him, he spat at him if he was serious in his pursue of them, since he still hadn�t figured out how to get past the blasted tree. Severus didn�t answer. He stayed expressionless, the way he always does when he�s offended. And Sirius smiled. The ugliest smile I�d ever see on his face. "It�s easy to get past the Willow," his tone was so malicious, so unlike him, that I was trying to convince myself that it wasn�t him. But it was. Oh, it was! And he�d just told Severus of the knot to immobilise the tree. Dazed as I was from all the hate and spitefulness of the vision, I didn�t have time to waste. I ran as fast as I could, crossing the entire length of the school as quickly as I could get my legs to carry me, out on the courtyard, and down the passage of the tree. Ahead of me, I could hear Severus. He didn�t have a great lead, but he was nearly at the door. I could hear Remus, fully transformed, and excited. He�d smelled the blood of an enemy, and it was enticing the predator that ruled in these nights. I�d never be able to make it on time, and if I did, there was very little chance that I might live past a werewolf�s hunger for blood. He was howling and scratching at the door, and I could hear the sounds of a dog (Sirius, who was now seriously regretting what he�d done) trying to hold him back, and a deer, I could hear James. He was pushing Remus back, and winning. James was the strongest out of all of them, but when I reached the end of the tunnel, and saw Severus� hand going to open the door, I never thought I could feel that much fear. Especially when Severus was knocked down on the floor by a gigantic creature. Severus lost his consciousness, which was a good thing. It wasn�t Remus, it was James in his Animagus form. He�d managed to push Remus back enough to allow himself the time and space to go through the opening and close it again. He transfigured back into himself, and we both did quick work sending all the locking and strengthening spells we could remember at the door. To keep Remus back until his blood thirst dissipated. James asked me what happened, and I told him everything as he put a levitating charm on Severus to get him back safely to the Hospital Wing. We didn�t know what excuse we�d use once back in school, and even less when Severus might wake up, but we found that the latter was unnecessary. He�d been awake and listening to my retelling. I hadn�t said anything about James� or the others� Animagi forms, but I did say that Remus was a werewolf, and he probably would have figured it out on his own, since he said he�d seen the creature inside the walls of the Shrieking Shack. The rest of the night was so full of distraught emotions as we sat before Madame Pomfrey and Professor McGonagall and Dumbledore, trying to come up with something that didn�t sound completely horrible, that I really don�t recall anything that was said at all. I remember Severus repeated continuously that Sirius, along with Remus, should have been expelled, and James, too. There was arguing. And then, somehow, Dumbledore managed to get Severus to understand that now, he was in life debt to James. I don�t think Sirius will be expelled, because Severus, in an attempt to hide the fact that he�d actually been trying to find out what was going on, hadn�t given very strong reasons for Sirius to leave the school, but Severus is very bitter, and Sirius is in a sea of guilt at the moment. I could feel it all the way in the Hospital Wing, even if he was in Hogsmeade. I do know that James felt very betrayed, and Remus will too, when he finds out. I know the three of them will get past this moment, but there will be another one in the future that will take a very long time to mend. As for Severus, he�s just passed the point of no return. He can�t be saved anymore. At least not now. Maybe in the future, but I can�t help him anymore. Someone else will have to bring him to us. The trio was quiet again. They knew that when Sirius was provoked, and had time to think about the provocation (if it was a serious one) he could become scary and vengeful, but they would have never believed that he would just tell Snape how to get killed. True, he probably didn�t think it would kill him. When mad, Sirius thought very little. He probably thought that he would only get really scared and leave them alone from then on, but it was exactly that irresponsible behaviour that probably got Remus to believe that his friend had betrayed the Potters. Hadn�t that incident happened, there could have been a possibility in which Sirius might have been believed in. None of them, however, chose to speak of it. "It�s late," Harry said suddenly, "and tomorrow we�re going to Hogsmeade," he informed. He stood suddenly, his face pulled in what was a mixture of disbelief, anger, and hurt. "I�m going to sleep," he finished suddenly, and the two only watched as he made his way up to his dormitory. �*� The following day, they were making their way into the alleyway that hid the small library. Hermione said that, if she ever wanted a light reading that didn�t have to do with research, that was the place to go�at least for her light reading, but she still hadn�t figured out who Jenna could have been out of them. The only people working there were three women, but they were all in the Lily�s age range. It was obvious that Jenna had changed her name. The question was why? The library was very tiny, and nearly completely impossible to find. Hermione had stumbled into one of the workers one day when a shipment of books had come in back in forth year. If it hadn�t been for that, she might have never found it. Walking in, she was pleased to see Jeanine, her favourite out of the three ladies working there, was the only one working at that time. Jeanine gave Hermione one of her usual smiles, but blanched upon noticing Harry�s tall head come in behind hers. She looked ready to pass out. They all knew, they had just found Jenna. She didn�t say hello, or give them any notice that she wanted them to speak either. She just stared, and then, without a word, she went to the back of the shop. Harry was afraid that his presence might have offended her, that looking at him had brought her painful memories of a past that couldn�t be salvaged, but, just when he was about to call Ron and Hermione out of the shop, Jenna came back, carrying a book similar to Lily�s diary. Red leather bound, thick, and heavy. And it was written in Lily�s hand. "I knew you�d come for this sometime this year," she spoke more to herself, referring to the diary that had been kept in the time capsule, "I just didn�t think it would be this soon." She mumbled, almost apologetically. She placed the book directly in Harry�s hands, and his fingers automatically clutched at it. Thoughts, not very pleasant thoughts, began to formulate in his mind as he held it securely in his palms. What if she had known? What if she�d given her life for his on purpose? What if she�d sacrificed herself long before the day came? What if he�d been the one to push her to an early death before he was even a person? What if she�d already known she wouldn�t have a choice? Jenna seemed to read his mind. "Lily�" her voice had started out shaky, quivering. She cleared her throat. "She knew a long time ago that she would only live a short time," Harry�s face darkened. "Because she chose it so," that had not, at all, been expected on Harry�s part, and his surprise and shock was evident on his face. "Her visions always had two outcomes. I know, she used to tell me everything. And I�ve read this journal. Here, she only writes of one of them, because even then, she�d chosen to give her life for yours," she offered in explanation, but she�d felt it hadn�t been enough. "She chose to give her life for yours, Harry, and she�s happy with her choice," her voice was strong, and sad as she spoke this, but more convincing than anyone might have expected. "I don�t know what happened that night exactly," she began again, and it was clear that the lack of knowledge of what happened tore at her, "but I�m sure James is happy you�re here, too. I think, with him being so close to Lily and all, he knew that it would either be you or him," as she finished speaking this, she knew it wouldn�t be of great comfort, but she knew it to be the truth. "He knew," Harry said suddenly, but with a certainty that was almost eerie. "He�went first. To give us time to run." His words were short, quiet, like they had been when he�d spoken to Dumbledore. "And then she gave her life," he concluded with finality. Hermione�s surprised voice gave away all her concern when she softly spoke his name in worry. "Harry�" "I still hear them sometimes," he explained. "Especially when I�m around Dementors. I hear that night, I see green, then pain�and then nothing�just Voldemort laughing," Hermione�s eyes were brimming with tears just watching Harry�s back turned to hers, looking down at the journal, his voice hushed. "I�ve read the prophecies, Harry," Jenna repeated. "In all of them, Lily spoke of herself as not there, because she�d already chosen," she told him again. "You see, she knew that she and James would�perish together." She made that point painstakingly clear. "He was her light," she continued quietly, "and you became one too once you were born. She always told me that she would give herself gladly to keep the light from dimming," she said, one of her hands going to touch his messy hair. She felt connected to him, maybe because he had Lily�s eyes, maybe because he looked so much like James�maybe both. Harry didn�t move away from her. "I see you have a light, too," she said to him, and his eyes snapped up at her in shock, waiting for her to explain herself. She didn�t. "Keep your light from dimming, and both you and your parents will be happy," she�d made it clear that it was to be the end of their conversation. Quietly, the Trio left the library, with the extra weight of the journal, and Jenna�s words, on their hearts. Ron dismissed himself quickly saying he had to meet Krista, and Harry and Hermione were left alone with the thick journal, each drowning in their own thoughts. Hermione was the first to speak, albeit uncertainly. "Harry�" she began, "what you said�about remembering�and�hearing�that night�" "It�s all true," he confirmed with an edge to his tone. "Since when?" Her eyes were glued to the cobbles beneath their feet as she asked. She had only heard of this once, right before their fight broke out on Christmas day, back in third year. But it hadn�t been like this. He�d been angry then, angry at Sirius, because he thought that his godfather had betrayed his parents. It wasn�t the cold sadness that he now had while speaking of it. He sighed. Deeply. "A lot in third, and then on and off since then," he replied, his voice devoid of expression. So, even then, it had been like that, but his anger had been stronger than the pain. A thought struck Hermione. "If we weren�t so�mad�at each other, back in third�" she began again, "would you have told me?" She asked nervously. She felt as though she was the only one left out. Ron hadn�t seemed shocked at all when Harry confessed what he did. Did Harry tell him? Or had Ron heard him speak in his sleep? Harry knew that what she was asking was different from that time before their fight over the Firebolt. It was different for him, too. He answered her with another question. "Why should I burden you like that?" Her reply was sharp and quick. "Because you shouldn�t burden yourself!" Harry didn�t get a chance to answer, because they both heard Jenna calling his name from behind them. He turned to her. "Yes?" He asked, inciting her to tell him whatever it was that had made her come out of her shop and look for him. "I just wanted to tell you this," she began, and her tone promised nothing good. "Even though you were your parents light, at this moment, if you didn�t turn to your light and take it, you will dim," there was no denying the absolute certainty in her voice. He knew all too well what she was talking about, but he couldn�t do what she was telling him to. "I can�t take that light." "Why?" Her question was almost indignant. "Because she fears what the darkness in me could bring," he told her, almost enigmatically. She understood, however. "The light, Harry, will always overpower the darkness, and yours is so strong," she said this with a proud smile. "But it still fears me," was his quick reply. "She doesn�t need to, though. The scar will protect you," she sounded crazy when she said that. "The scar bonds me to Voldemort," he spit back sharply. "Yes," she confirmed. "But it�s even more strongly bonded to Lily," there was no denying the tone of her voice. Not knowing what to say, he asked a question. "How do you know my light?" She smiled at him, like a proud aunt would to her favourite nephew. "I�ve been watching you, Harry, ever since fourth year, when you started coming so much to Hogsmeade," she told him. "Your eyes, when you look at her�you have the same look that Lily had when she watched James," she explained. "It�s a very beautiful thing, Harry," she complimented him. "Don�t let it pass you by. Don�t let it slip away from you." Her words influenced so much that he was almost compelled to take her advice. Almost. To be continued. Author�s ramblings: I�ve got a couple of things I should apologise for. One, sorry I didn�t get this out sooner, but I didn�t get any computer access at all for nearly four days, so that slowed me down considerably. Second, the part of the diary where Lily spoke of what happened down at the Whomping Willow, well, I know it�s probably unlikely, but I just think it went like that (especially since Lily�s a Seer, here), and towards the end it gets confused because her senses are going into overdrive because of all the emotions she�s picking up from other people, although, I do admit, it�s a little TOO confused. If you think I should fix it, just tell me, and I�ll work on it. Oh, and some new comers to the story find Cicciobello disturbing. I�m sorry, but that�s just the way I think a doll with the semblance of a baby toddler turned demon from two of the Marauders would act like, so I�m not likely to change him. Anyway, if you have any comments, critisism, flames, you can find me at [email protected], or simply leave a review. It�ll get to me anyway, and I�ll have a BBQ. Thanks for reading so far. Pearl |