Making Changes
"Howard Dorough? It's your turn."
He felt the blood run out of his hands as he placed the magazine back onto the stack. The people around him were flashing him smiles and saying "Good Luck.". Like that would quell that sinking feeling in his stomach.
The nurse that called him saw the worried look on his face and asked him if he was alright. "Are you sure that you wanna do this? It's not reversible you know, and you still can back out if you want to."
He hesitated, and when he answered, his voice was calm and steady. "No thanks, I made up my mind a long time ago."
This was ridiculous. He could've stayed in the hotel to rest after the concert, but he followed AJ out to the club instead, walking in the shadows. He watched the younger man swagger into the club, the slim hips swaying ever so slightly, head held up high, face adorned with that twisted smirk he loved so much.
Love.
He took out the elastic band that held his long hair together and ran a hand through it. He leaned against a wall for support as he felt the onslaught of despair and tears. He always knew AJ was special, and the two of them had known each other for what...a decade now? He'd seen him grow from a skinny little geek to a sex-god that oozed sensuality and enchanted thousands of girls worldwide.
He'd also enchanted Howie as well.
Howie'd only come to terms with his sexuality only months before, and he realized that although he was gay, he could only love one man. AJ McLean. He laughed bitterly as he remembered all those times he went to church and prayed, prayed for something to get rid of those impure feelings. But no matter how many 'Hail Mary's the priest in confession asked him to say, he couldn't change. It tore him apart to see AJ everyday, to dance with him and hang out with him knowing that he could never return his feelings for him.
It quickly grew into an obsession. He collected the napkins that AJ used, his cigarette butts, a pair of boxers that he'd left behind in Howie's room one day, the tabs of the beer cans he'd drunk out of, anything, ANYTHING, that had come into contact with that lithe body of his. It'd gotten to the point where they were changing clothes during concerts and Howie had to turn away from the sight of AJ changing, afraid that anyone would see how his body reacted.
He shook his head to clear the thoughts and stepped into the club. He settled down into a corner, his eyes observing every move that AJ made. AJ was dancing with this girl, his hips grinding into her, gyrating with every beat of the song. Howie felt a flush creeping up his neck as he saw the younger man making out with the girl, his hands wandering over her body. His mind was making him imagine that he was the one in AJ's arms instead, that it was his body that AJ was fondling.
Howie rushed into a cubicle, suppressing the moans that bubbled out of his mouth. He reached down and felt his manhood, its arousal evident. There was only one way to get rid of it. He unzipped his pants and pulled down his boxers, his hands gently stroking his length, imagining that it was AJ's hands that soothed him. It wasn't long before he found release, and sighed heavily as his body finally relaxed. He cleaned the mess he made, then stood in front of one of the sinks, looking his reflection in the eye. What the hell are you doing Dorough? He sighed once again and washed his face, grateful for the fact that he was the only one in the bathroom at that time and that he didn't stain his pants.
He walked out, only to find that AJ had gotten himself heavily drunk and was making a nuisance of himself. He was chatting up and fondling every girl that came his way, most of them unwilling, and slapped him for his advances. He walked over to his friend, his hands trembling as he held AJ up.
"D?" AJ turned his head to look at Howie, a silly smile on his face. He was definitely plastered.
"I think you'd better go back to the hotel Aje." Just that silly look made him weak in the knees, and Howie swore that his heart skipped a beat.
He hailed a cab and got AJ back into his room, the latter collapsing on the bed.
"Aw man, and I thought I'd get laid tonight." He slurred his words together, his lips forming into a pout. "I wanna get laid How."
Howie could only stare at AJ, his heart beating fast. He could feel the sweat forming on his forehead, watching spellbound as AJ pulled off his shirt. The sight of his naked torso made Howie's boxers feel just a bit tighter as his manhood stirred.
"Go to sleep man, you're gonna get one heckuva hangover tomorrow."
"I wanna get laid I wanna get laid I WANNA GET LAID!" AJ's demands grew into a crescendo as he thrashed about on the bed, his limbs hitting Howie and accidentally pulled him down onto the bed. Howie himself couldn't believe what was happening as AJ kissed him and pulled their bodies closer together. "Oh yeah, that's the ticket." AJ moaned as his tongue dived into Howie's mouth, exploring every nook and cranny. Howie soon found himself submitting to AJ, their bodies eventually found release. He fell asleep in AJ's arms, a grin on his face.
He woke up before AJ, admiring the way the sun made shadows on the sleeping man's face. He couldn't control himself as his lips kissed a trail from his chest to his lips, and his heart sang as he kissed back. Then AJ opened his eyes.
It would've been funny if the situation weren't so serious. AJ fell off the bed in shock, his mouth agape.
"Fuck." The expletive was whispered, and his voice wavered.
"AJ? You ok?" Howie got off the bed and knelt beside his friend, now lover.
AJ peeked under the sheet that got tangled round his body. "I'm naked." He looked back to Howie. "You're naked." His face grew as pale as the sheet as he put two and two together.
"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?!" He pushed Howie away ferociously, pulling the sheet round himself protectively.
"Aje I didn't do anything...I...I...you..."
"Get the fuck away from me!" His eyes grew wider, his shock evident.
"AJ, it was you that..."
"Don't you know better than to take me seriously when I'm drunk?!"
"AJ..."
"Get out." His face turned up, his eyes now narrowed in anger and his voice low. "GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!"
Howie hurriedly put his clothes on and rushed back to his room, tears spilling out from his brown eyes. He sobbed uncontrollably as soon as the door closed behind him, slid down to the floor and hugged his knees. A few hours ago, he felt like he was on cloud nine, the happiest he'd ever been. Now all of it came shattering down around him, and he felt more alone than he'd ever felt before.
"AJ." He turned back at the sound of his name, staring back as soon as he saw who it was.
"AJ, I'm sorry."
"You can't change what happened D." If looks could kill, Howie would've been a smouldering pile of ashes at that moment. He took a deep breath before speaking.
"I'm sorry you feel that way, but I'm not sorry about what we did."
AJ stared back. "Get the fuck away from me. Now."
"It's me isn't it?" The question hit him in the face. "It's because I'm me isn't it?"
"Howie as long as I'm concerned this conversation is..."
"You can't accept that you fucked your best friend, isn't it?" Howie grew more defiant by the second, and he was amazed at the words that came out of his mouth. How can I say that I love you more than life itself?
"Shut up Howie..."
"It's because I'm a man isn't it? You've fucked hundreds of girls without a second's thought, but you can't accept that you fucked a man? AJ I love you."
AJ turned and ran away as fast as he could, leaving Howie with tears in his eyes. Suddenly, he knew what he had to do.
He made sure that it was his fault that they broke up. He made sure that his family disowned him after they found him cavorting with a man in his room. He made sure that he disappeared into oblivion, and the media soon forgot that Howie D existed.
I always was the one out of place anyway.
"Wake up dear..."
"Huh?" Feel groggy, sleepy, who... "Where am I?"
"You feeling better?"
"Wha?" He sat up in bed, wincing when he felt a searing pain between his legs. He felt a funny, unfamiliar feeling around his chest, and looked down to see the flesh rising up on his torso. He touched them and realised what they were.
"Congratulations miss, the sex change operation was a success.
He adjusted the dress, feeling uncomfortable in the tight leather dress and stilettos. No, not he. She. She constantly had to remind herself of her gender now. It'd been two months since the operation, and Howard Dorough became Rachel Davenport. She stood in front of AJ's house, scared to go in. Two years since BSB broke up, two years full of longing for the man. All that time, her passion never wavered. She rehearsed what she was going to say in her head, for probably the thousandth time, stepped up and pressed the doorbell.
He answered it clad only in a pair of baggy pants that rode low on his hips. He still looked as good as he did two years ago. His upper body was buffed, his torso slick with sweat. She realised that he'd been working out.
"Yes miss?" His raspy voice sent shivers up her spine.
"Ex...excuse me sir, could I use your phone? My car broke down and I..."
"I understand, please come in." A grin appeared on his face, and she recognized it as one that he used when he wanted to seduce someone. She tried to ignore the hand that felt her up as she walked into the hallway, supressing the giggle that worked its way up her throat. Horny bastard.
"The phone's right here miss, please help yourself."
"Thank you." She could feel his eyes boring into her ass as she turned to use the phone. She dialled a non-existant number and braced herself for the next step of her plan.
"I don't mean to be impolite, but what's you're name?" AJ's voice now dropped into a lower register, dripping with charm and sensuality.
"Rachel Davenport..." She flashed a smile, praying that he saw it as attractive.
"What a lovely na..."
"But I used to be called Howard Dorough." She dropped her voice by an octave, sounding exactly like she/he did until a few months ago.
AJ froze like a deer caught in a car's headlights. "Excuse me?"
"Can't you recognise your best friend?" She walked up to him and put a hand on his bare chest, caressing a nipple and feeling it harden under her touch.
AJ reached for the intercom, but she stopped him before he called security. "That's no way to welcome your bestest buddy Aje."
"You're just some psycho fan that..."
"Au contraire AJ, I'm really Howie. See?" She turned her hand to show him the battle scars he'd acquired some years back. "These were from that girl in Germany remember?"
"You can't be Howie, this is insane! Get off my property NOW."
"Remember that night Bone? The one where we made love while you were drunk?" He froze again.
"Howie?" His gaze never left her. "Howie?"
"It's Rachel now darling."
"But...but..you..."
"These operations are so easy to do nowadays." She looked at him quizzically before hugging him. "I know you're shocked and you..." She was cut off when he pushed her away.
"What have you done to yourself?" His voice was now soft, and his face was full of incredulity, sadness, and shock.
"I did it all for you AJ, I love you." She pleaded with him. "Please..I..."
He pulled on a t-shirt and slammed the door, leaving Rachel Davenport alone in the hallway.