Too Many More

By: BadgerGater

Category: Epilogue to The First Ones

Spoilers: The First Ones anything before

Category: Angst, drama, sequel; Jack's POV

Summary: Jack has to give Daniel some bad news

Pairing: None

Season: Four

Warnings: None

Disclaimers: I don't own these characters, or any part of Stargate, and I don't make any money from this or anything else relating to SG

Author's Note: I can never thank my beta's enough. You know who you are, and you are the best, my friends.

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He was a four eyed geek, a scientist who never figured out how to fit in with us military guys, who never belonged here and never should have been part of what we were doing.

That’s not why I shot him, of course.

It was self-defense.

But I can’t stop thinking about it.

Okay, so I didn’t have much time to think about it, what with needing to rescue Daniel and find what was left of SG-11, and then figure out which of us were snaked, and which weren’t.

God, what a mess. Too damn many good men dead-Hawkins, Loeder, Sanchez, Rothman. I knew Hawkins a little, he seemed like a good officer, someone who cared about his men. A solid soldier, the right man for a simple job of guarding a scientific site.

Of course, the bottom line is there’s nothing simple about guarding anything off-world.

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So, yeah, okay, I tried avoiding the issue.

Which was that once we'd rescued Daniel, someone was going to have to tell him that the others were dead, especially that his friend Robert was dead. And since I’m the one who shot the four eyed geek, I knew I had to be the one to tell Daniel what happened.

Sometimes, I hate my job. It was so much easier be the commandee than the commander, responsible for everyone and everything, including delivering the bad news.

Rothman. Geek. Four eyes. Not as bright or as tough as Daniel, but then, who is? An okay guy I suppose. And yeah, I wasn’t planning on bringing him along back to this planet, but he wanted to come and the truth is, I admire loyalty. Rothman wasn’t about to abandon Daniel.

And he died because of it. Because of me. Because I let him come back with us, when I knew I should have made him stay safely behind. Sure, there were reasons to let him come, like he was the only one with any familiarity with the planet. But, damn, he was a civilian, and it's my job to protect the civilians, even the ones who are crazy enough to volunteer to go through the gate with us.

Okay, sure, I didn’t have a choice, I had to shoot him, it was him or me, and only pure dumb luck, and Rothman’s lack of military skills which meant his aim sucked, that meant the Goa'ulded RR didn’t kill Griff with Teal’c’s staff weapon.

Rothman.

Shit.

Him, I never suspected. Hawkins was acting too weird, and frankly for a while there I wasn’t even sure about myself, but Rothman was behaving so exactly like his usual nerdy self that I never even got a glimmer that anything was wrong.

Of course, he might only have been goulded the last few hours.

I hope so.

I wouldn’t wish that much deep shit on anyone, even a four eyed hopeless geek scientist.

I’ve been there, done that, got the horror stories to prove it.

I shivered.

Carter threw me a pointed look.

We marched away from the cave full of Unas as fast as an exhausted, beat-up Daniel could move. He was so tired he hardly asked about the others, and I put him off with the simple statement, “there were casualties.” After that, we were too busy traveling to leave him the breath to ask questions.

Carter was glaring at me again. “Sir, Daniel needs a break.”

I looked back and saw the weary archaeologist stumbling.

Shit.

“Okay. Take ten. Daniel, get a load off,” I pointed to a log. “Sit there. Carter, check him over.” I handed Jackson my canteen and watched while he drank deeply.

Carter daubed antiseptic cream on the cut on his face and on his chafed wrists, asking if he’d been hurt anywhere else.

His answer was a quiet, exhausted, “No. Don’t think so.”

She also surreptitiously checked the back of his neck, and shook her head no at me. That’s good. Of course, there’s no guarantee a Goa’uld didn’t enter through the throat, so I knew we were going to have to keep watching him closely until Doc’s gave him an MRI. Since the snakes on this planet don’t have naquadah in their bodies, neither Carter nor Teal’c could detect the damn things.

Oiy.

I sighed and looked down at Daniel, who was scarfing down a powerbar Carter'd dug out of her pack for him.

And then came the words I dreaded.

“What happened?” he asked. “To SG-11? Did you find them?”

“Ah, later.”

Carter threw me a look that said 'you're being a damn fool.' I shook my head back at her.

Daniel, who never misses a thing, looked from me to her and back at me again. “Tell me, Jack.”

“Later. You’re tired and hurt, and we’ve got a long ways to go.”

“You better tell me.”

I couldn’t meet his eyes.

“How many are dead?" he demanded.

I shook my head again.

"Who died? Who?” He stared directly at me, all big, sad eyes in the dirt-streaked face.

“Loeder.”

“I figured that,” he said softly.

“And Hawkins, too.”

The blue eyes blinked slowly. “What happened to him?”

“Somewhere along the way, a snake got him. No way to tell when, could have been anytime since you guys got here.”

I saw Daniel gulp and shiver. “Robert liked to send the military guys to run errands, like getting water. We had no idea there were Goa’uld in the water here. They don’t have Naquadah, so there’s no way to detect them.”

“We have observed that, DanielJackson,” Teal’c interjected from where he stood on watch, making sure none of the Unas were following us.

“What about Sergeant Sanchez?” Daniel inquired.

“He was dead, too. I think an Unas killed him, in the forest.”

“What were they doing in the forest?”

“SG-11 went after you. Sent Rothman back to the gate for reinforcements.”

“At least Robert wasn’t there when his teammates died, then,” Daniel tried to take small comfort.

I looked away.

He knew something was wrong. Once again his gaze shifted from me to Carter, and back to me. “Jack?”

“Hmmm?”

“Where’s Robert?”

I glanced over at Carter. “He should know, Sir,” she insisted softly.

“Where’s Robert?” Daniel was coming to his feet, his voice rising, insistent.

I put a hand on his shoulder, pushing him back to sit again on the log. “Robert came with us, after you. He could have stayed behind at the SGC… I should have made him stay.”

“He’s hurt? How bad?”

“Daniel…”

“Jack…”

“Daniel, he was goulded, too.”

“Oh damn.” Daniel let his head sink down into his hands. “But at least the Tok’ra can extract the symbiote.”

“Daniel…” I didn’t know how to say the words, how to soften the blow.

“Damn it, Jack. Tell me.”

“Daniel. Robert snatched Teal’c’s weapon, wounded Major Griff. I,” I spread my hands. “I shot him. I’m sorry. I had no choice. He could have killed all of us.”

“You shot him? You shot Robert? You know the host is innocent!”

“And helpless. There would have been more dead if I hadn’t. I didn’t have time to do anything else. I didn’t have any other options.”

Daniel glared accusingly at me.

“I know he was your friend. I’m sorry.”

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I don’t think Daniel uttered another word the whole way back to the camp. We met Griff, Coburn, Pierce and the others on the way, and finally, wearily, we reached the gate.

Carter dialed home in silence, nodding when the iris code was acknowledged.

I sent the others off to the infirmary with Daniel, and turned to face General Hammond. "Sir.”

He knew the news was bad from my grim face, by counting who was there and who was missing. “Colonel?”

“Our rescue mission wasn’t entirely successful,” I told him wearily. I waved at the personnel trudging dispiritedly out of the gateroom. “As you can see, we did get Dr. Jackson back. But all of SG-11 is dead, General, including Dr. Rothman.”

Hammond was still looking around, taking it all in. “How was Major Griff injured?”

“Basically, Sir, Hawkins had been goulded, Sgt. Sanchez and Airman Loeder were killed by the Unas. Teal’c shot Hawkins. Rothman was snaked, too, and he wounded Griff. I shot Rothman.”

Hammond, I thought, looked like hell. I knew I looked no better.

“I’m sorry, Sir.”

“I’m sure you did your best Colonel.”

I shrugged.

“Get checked out in the infirmary, we’ll debrief tomorrow when everyone’s up to it.”

I doubted we’d be more up to it in the morning. At least I wouldn’t, because I knew I wasn’t going to be sleeping well, not with another new ghost haunting my nightmares.

As if I haven’t killed enough men already. What’s one more, you might think, what difference can one more black mark make on your soul when there’s so many there already?

One more can be the final straw that breaks the camel’s back. I’ve seen it happen, seen strong, tough men pushed too far, to madness, to despair, to callous indifference by being responsible for one death too many.

We all have our limits.

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By the time I got down to the infirmary, Daniel had already gone home.

I was surprised Doc had let him. “His MRI was clear, and he didn’t have any serious injuries. Considering everything, I thought he might sleep better at home.”

“Right,” I nodded.

“Sam gave him a ride. He was so tired, I didn’t think he should drive.”

“Good,” I acknowledged.

“Colonel,” her brown eyes were full of worry. “I’m sorry.”

I waved away her concern. “He was Daniel’s friend…”

“I know. And I know you were the one who had to…”

“Pull the trigger.” I sighed, rubbed one hand across my face. “A dirty job, but someone had to do it. The snake would have killed the rest of us.”

“We all know that, Sir. Griff and the others are grateful. But I know it’s painful for you.”

I snorted. “Me? I’m an old warhorse, Doc. Got a tough hide. It all just rolls right off like rain off the roof.”

She didn’t buy a bit of it. “Right, Colonel.” Her smile was soft as she patted my arm. “Say goodnight to Daniel when you see him, would you?”

I was going to answer with a smart remark, but she was right. Tired as I was, tired as I knew he was, I had to go and talk to Daniel tonight. Try to make things right. Things had been so difficult lately, seemed like one bad thing after another happened to SG-1, left us reeling and never enough time to recover before the next disaster rolled right on over us. I needed to talk to him, as his team leader and as his friend.

I sighed. A Colonel’s work is never done.

“See you tomorrow, Doc.”

“Drive carefully, Colonel,” she waved at me as I strolled out of the infirmary, on my way to shower and change and go talk to Daniel.

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I pulled up in front of his apartment building, and sat in the car for long moments, taking deep breaths, trying to think of the words I was going to say and not finding anything that didn't sound trite and patronizing or stupid.

Finally, knowing I could no longer postpone the inevitable, I sighed, climbed out of the car, and went to the lobby. I buzzed his apartment and got no answer.

Shit. I knew he was up there, had seen the light in his apartment.

I knew he knew that it was me coming to see him.

Taking a quick look around to be sure no one was watching, I pulled out my Swiss Army knife, selected a blade, and quickly picked the lock, reminding myself to warn Daniel's super about the lack of security in the building.

Pausing in front of Daniel's door, I knocked.

He ignored me.

Knocked again.

Still no sound from within.

"Daniel?"

No answer.

"Daniel, open the door or I will."

He didn't, so I did. Swiss Army knife again. There are useful skills to be learned in Special Ops.

When I opened the door, the room was dimly lit. Daniel was sitting on the couch, staring away from me, out the window.

I walked in, sat down in the chair across from him.

He didn't look at me.

Fair enough.

I didn't look at him, either, just stared at the floor for a long time.

Finally, I inhaled sharply, coughed and asked, "How ya' doin?"

He turned to look at me, his face closed, his eyes hard, glittering and angry. "Yours is really the very last face I want to see tonight."

I nodded in understanding.

"Knowing it was the last face Robert saw."

I flinched.

He looked away again.

The only noise was a clock ticking loudly from the dining room.

"Look, Daniel..."

"Jack go away. You barged in here uninvited..."

"So what's new?"

"Nothing's new. Nothing's ever new. It's always the same shit. People around me die, people I care about, people I have a connection with. They die. One after another. I lived with SG-11 for three weeks and now they're all dead. All of them."

"That wasn't your fault."

"No. But maybe I should have died with them."

"Survivors guilt is hard to live with, Daniel. You wonder why you're still alive, why you lived and they died. Wonder if it was something they did or something you did."

"*You* shot him."

"I didn't have a choice."

"Yes, you did," he answered earnestly. "There's always a choice. There's always another way," .

"No, there wasn't. There was no time. He'd already shot Griff and he'd have killed Carter or Teal'c or Pierce or me, next. The snake was in control." I paused, thought a moment. "Daniel, I'm sorry. I know he was your friend."

"You couldn't stand him."

"He was a scientist, Daniel. I didn't dislike him, I just didn't understand him."

"Like me. I'm a scientist. You don't understand me, either."

"You're right, I don't. I admit it. I try, but we come from different worlds, speak different languages, see the universe from opposite ends."

"Jack, go home. Leave me alone. Let me mourn in private."

"Daniel..."

"Get the hell out, would you? Is that in a language you do understand?"

I stood up. "Yes, Daniel. I do understand. I understand loss, I know what it's like to lose your friends and your family and the person you love most in the world....." I didn't finish, couldn't, didn't need to, Daniel knew about my son, and how Charlie's death had broken me, just like I knew how he'd loved Sha're and how he still mourned her.

Daniel had turned to me, that look on his face, the one where he looks like a little boy, like a lost child...

He sighed. "Jack, I know. I appreciate your coming over, but really, I just want some time alone. I'll be all right."

"See you in the morning?"

"Yeah," he waved at me.

I left, closing the door softly behind me. He'd be okay. He's tough. He'd think about things, and then, like he'd forgiven Teal'c for being the one to end Sha're's suffering, in the end, he'd forgive me for being the one to shoot his friend.

Daniel's a reasonable guy, and forgiving, much more forgiving than I'll ever be, especially to myself.

Sometimes, doing what has to be done sucks.

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