Some Other Life
Some Other Life
By BadgerGater
E-mail: [email protected]
Category: Angst, adventure; AU, sort of
Season: Three
Spoilers: Anything before season 3
Summary: Jack is forced to make a terrible choice
Rating: PG, A few adult words
Pairing: Jack/Sara
Warnings: You might need the Kleenex again
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Sci-Fi,
Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, Gekko Productions; all the
powers that be, not me; This story is for entertainment purposes only and no
money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement intended. The story is the
property of the author and may not be posted elsewhere without the author's consent.
Author's note: This is a fic that's been lingering on my hard drive for a
really long time. Thanks to Cokie for the beta, to Sis, Margo, Martina, Corine,
Sid, Carol, Tanya, and all those who've been there for me; and, as always, to
all those who feedback.
<><><><><>
Colonel Jack O'Neill came to awareness very, very slowly, like he was fighting his way through quicksand or cotton. He could feel someone squeezing his hand, and knew he should squeeze back, but just then it took more effort than he could muster. So he let himself slide back into the darkness once more, back to the healing sleep he needed.
/--------------\
When once again he drifted toward consciousness, Jack felt as much as heard a soothing, familiar voice, telling him that things were okay. Reassured, he was content to sleep some more. He wasn't quite ready yet to bridge the gap from his mind to the outside world, so he drifted, slept, and slowly, he healed.
/--------------\
It would have been easier to wake up, he thought, if it wasn't for the annoying guy with the hammer pounding on the inside of his skull. He groaned.
"Jack? Jack, oh honey, Jack, come on, wake up."
He knew that voice, despite the hammering in his head. He licked dry lips, croaked, "Sara?"
"Who else?"
O'Neill pried his eyes open, looking around, realizing he was in a hospital room. "Wh--?" he coughed harshly.
"Here," Sara held up a cup and directed a straw to his lips. While he sipped she explained, "You're at the Air Force Academy hospital. Again." Seeing he was done drinking for now, she set the cup back on the tray table, then leaned over and kissed his cheek lightly. "You've been unconscious for days. I was really getting worried--"
"Who hit me?"
"You don't remember what happened?"
"No."
"You've got a head injury, among other things. Don't worry. The doctors say you'll be okay."
"Umm, how?"
"I really don't know, Jack, it was another one of those top secret missions," she caressed his cheek. He winced. The touch, soft as it was, hurt. Everything hurt, come to think of it. "The general will be back in a couple of minutes. He just stepped out. I'm sure he can explain." Sara was holding his hand, squeezing it. "I'm just glad you're awake."
"Mmm." He wanted to stay, to find out what had happened, but the guy with the hammer was back once again. Staying awake hurt too much, and he drifted away one more.
/--------------\
Moments later, General West walked into the room.
"Mrs. O’Neill? I heard that the Colonel was awake…"
"He was awake for a few minutes, knew my name, but he's asleep, again, sir," said Sara, smiling for the first time in days.
West nodded. "That's what the doctors said would happen, Mrs. O'Neill. They explained that he'll be in and out for a while."
She nodded. "I know. I've been through this before."
He patted her shoulder. "Yes, I know you have. But he'll be okay. Colonel O'Neill is a survivor, Ma'am."
/--------------\
The next time Jack awoke, he realized someone had thankfully turned down the volume on the pounding in his skull. Being awake was a little more bearable, though still far on the wrong side of comfortable.
When he discovered he could move, he turned his head and saw her, sitting beside his bed. "Hey," he whispered.
"Hi, sleepyhead, welcome back," Sara said, smiling, leaning forward to kiss his cheek lightly. "How are you feeling?"
"Alive. Sort of," he muttered. "What day is it?"
"Thursday, honey, but you've been here for over a week," she told him. "Actually, you've asked me that question a couple of times before, but you've never managed to stay awake long enough to hear my answer."
"Umm, sorry," he muttered.
"You're forgiven this time… if you stay with us for a while."
"I'll try."
"Good," she touched his forehead, smoothing back his hair affectionately. "Now I need to get the doctor. You stay here, okay?"
'Where would I go?' he thought idly, looking around, not recognizing anything about the place. Yeah, hospital. One bland, antiseptic room just like another. And he'd seen plenty.
A doctor bustled in, asking, "Colonel, how are we feeling?"
"I don't know how you're feeling Doc, but I wouldn't be bad if the guy with the jackhammer in my skull would just take the rest of the day off," Jack replied, pushing himself toward a sitting position. "Whoa…" He slammed his eyes closed as the room started spinning.
"Slow down, Colonel, sit back. Here. Let me help," the physician cranked the head of the bed upward. "Is that better?"
"Um, yeah," said Jack, fighting to hold back the dizziness.
"Dizzy?"
He couldn't hide that from the Doc, since he had to screw his eyes tight shut to keep from throwing up. "Ya think?"
"Okay. With a concussion and being flat on your back for a week, yes, you should expect to be a little disoriented. Nauseous?"
"A little," he understated, cautiously opening one eye to peer at the doc. Okay, things were sort of staying in place, at least with one eye closed.
"I'll get you something for that. Not a problem." The doctor quickly checked O’Neill’s vitals. "Now, your wife said that you didn't remember what happened to you. You should also know that's common, with a head injury of this magnitude, and being unconscious for that length of time."
Jack nodded, stopped himself quickly when that caused the room to spin again. "I know. I've been knocked unconscious before."
"Good, so then you know the drill, Sir. Your name?"
Confident answer. "Jack O'Neill, Colonel, USAF."
"Do you know where you are?"
"Colorado Springs, Academy Hospital. Sara told me."
"Hmm, didn't recognize us?"
Jack remembered not to shake his head this time. "No. I've been here before but it's been a while."
The doctor frowned. "Do you know my name?"
Jack squinted, had to concentrate to make things stand still long enough to read the physician's name off the name tag. "Captain Zimnicki."
"Good."
"So I proved I could read," said Jack, waving his arm at the nametag.
"You don't know my name?" The doctor's frown deepened.
"No doc, should I?"
A look of concern crossed the young physician's face. The doctor pulled out his penlight and shown the light in O’Neill’s eyes. Jack recoiled. "Still sensitive to light, but your pupils are reacting normally. Are you hurting anywhere else? How does your shoulder feel?"
For the first time Jack noticed it was bound in place. He rotated it slightly, flinched, and quickly stopped the motion. "Sore."
The doctor nodded. "You've got a broken collarbone, three cracked ribs and you had lots of bruises, though the worst of those are gone. The burn...
"Burn?
"Staff weapon burn to your shoulder but fortunately it was just a glancing blow, so the tissue damage was only minor. However, it was likely that the force of the staff weapon threw you into something solid, like a wall, breaking your collarbone, giving you a severe concussion and cracking those ribs. You're very lucky to be alive."
Jack stirred on the bed, realized his body was hurting all over with that dull ache that said drugs were covering up the real hurts, at least for the moment. He felt stiff, heavy and uncomfortable but it was all at a bearable level. With the drugs’ help, at least.
"So, Colonel, can you tell me anything about what happened to you?"
Jack wracked his brain. Before waking up here, the last thing he remembered was getting ready to come home. God, what did he do, trip over the threshold to that damn star-ring thingy? "Did this happen on Abydos?"
"Abydos?"
"You know, that planet where the Stargate goes. Inhabited by ancient Egyptian type people, aliens carrying those big nasty staff weapon things, really bad dressers with snakes in their heads. Abydos, sandy, dusty, hot. Is that where I got hurt?"
The doctor's face looked troubled. "Colonel, do you know what month it is?"
Jack had to think a minute. "Uh, let's see, add a couple of weeks, it would be about December?"
"And what year?"
"What is it with the all the questions, doc?"
"Please Colonel just answer the question."
"Okay. It's 1996." Oh oh, O'Neill saw the doctor's face tighten. "Wrong answer?"
"Really, Colonel...."
"So how wrong am I? Tell me." he nearly shouted, realized that was making his head hurt, and he stopped, bringing his hand up to cover his eyes for a moment. "Tell me," he said more softly.
"It's November, 2001."
"I've been asleep for five years?"
"No, Colonel, you were brought home from your last mission nearly two weeks ago now. On October 28, 2001 to be exact."
"Oh God," said O'Neill, grabbing his aching head.
"Colonel. You suffered quite a severe head injury. It’s not at all unusual to have some memory loss associated with that."
"*Some* memory loss?" He asked, sarcastically. "Five years is *some*?"
"The memories may return, Sir, it's common. Don't worry. I want you to relax, and rest. That's the best thing you can do right now. Mind and body heal together."
The hammering in his skull had increased in intensity. "Doc, I've got one hell of a headache. Can't you give me something...."
The doctor nodded. "Okay. I'll see you get some meds that will help with the pain and allow you to rest."
"And can my wife come back in?"
"Sure."
/-----------------\
In a few minutes Sara returned and with her-- Jack's throat constricted, and for a moment he couldn't breathe. "Charlie?" he whispered. This child was too young, too small, but the resemblance was striking. If this wasn’t Charlie, then it had to be his twin, or at least his brother.
The smile had disappeared from Sara's face.
The small child holding Sara's hand suddenly let go of it, dashed for the bed, shouting "Daddy, Daddy, Daddy," and threw himself into O'Neill's arms.
"Not Charlie," said Sara very, very softly. "Danny." She looked at her husband with worried eyes. "Jack, the doctor told me you're still a little confused--"
He couldn’t answer. His arms were full of a wiggling, brown eyed, blonde haired bundle of energy who was hugging him fiercely. It felt so good, so right, he didn't even mind the pain it awakened in his damaged ribs and shoulder.
"Danny?" said Jack, softly. How could anything make him forget this child? His child? This miracle of life?
The boy was staring into his face earnestly, small chubby hands reaching out to cradle O’Neill’s chin. "Daddy, you were sleeping for so long. You made Mommy cry," said the boy. "You shouldn't do that," he said seriously.
Jack looked from the child to Sara, whose eyes were brimming. "It's okay, now, Danny, it's okay. Daddy's better. Daddy’s back."
Jack looked again at Sara and saw the hurt in her eyes that he didn't know his own child. "Sara, I- I-"
She wiped a hand across her face. Jack could see she was tired. Day after day sitting vigil at the hospital, and with an active child, two or three years old at most he looked, would wear out anyone.
"Look, we've got to go. The general is coming to talk to you. I just thought seeing your son would-- "
"Help me remember?" Jack tried, really tried, but all was blank, since he and Daniel Jackson and Daniel's Abydan wife, Share, had stood at the foot of the gate, preparing to step through the wormhole back to Earth. In 1996.
"You will, I know you will. The doctor said we have to be patient," Sara told him softly. "Now, we shouldn’t stay too long. He’ll wear you out." She smiled tiredly. "He wears *me out. We’ll go play in the park and be back later, okay."
Jack gave the boy a parting hug and watched his wife take the squirming child back into her arms.
Sara gave Jack a quick peck on the cheek, and left, brushing past a crowd in the hallway.
The group of men entered Jack’s room: General West, Daniel Jackson and two people O'Neill didn't know. Or, at least, didn't recognize now, he thought.
"Sir!"
"How are you feeling, Colonel?"
"Hi, Jack," Daniel greet him. It was comforting to encounter a face he recognized, he thought thankfully. So far, that made three: Sara, West, and Daniel. Not many.
"Better. My head still hurts and I guess I've lost a couple of years..."
"You don't remember what happened? How you were attacked?" West inquired.
Jack shook his head, stopping at the wave of dizziness that caused. "No, Sir."
"What's the last thing you *do* remember, Colonel?"
O'Neill recounted the death of Ra, and preparing to bring his team back to Earth, Daniel and his bride arriving late at the gate... The memories stopped there.
"That's the last thing you remember?" Daniel asked, a frown on his face.
Jack shrugged. That hurt more than a nod, but at least it didn’t make the room spin. Damn. "That's it. Sir, what happened?"
The doctor nodded to the general.
"Colonel O'Neill, you and your team..."
"Whose my team?"
"Dr. Jackson, Major Kawalsky and Lt. Freeman went with you to P2Z-447..."
"Where?"
"P2Z-447--"
"What's that, PZ-whatever?"
West and Daniel exchanged glances.
"That's the designation for a planet where the Stargate goes--" Jackson started to explain.
"You mean the Stargate goes somewhere *other* than Abydos?" Jack asked, surprised.
Daniel grinned. "Oh yes," he waved his hand. " It goes thousands and thousands of places."
"And we go there, what, sightseeing?" Jack asked, incredulous.
"The mission is searching for technology, Colonel," West explained. "Looking for weapons to fight the aliens."
"Okaay. So that means Ra wasn't the only one?"
"Not hardly," the General answered grimly.
Jack tried to digest this news, bad news.
Daniel continued. "The last planet we went to was like a museum, filled with room after room of treasures. I was looking at this, this—"
"Artifact?"
Jackson smiled that boyish grin. "Right, and you disappeared, down the hallway, said you thought you'd heard something. Next thing, we heard yelling, you were warning us to get out, and then there was weapons fire, your gun and a staff weapon. By the time we got there, you were lying by the wall, unconscious and badly injured. And there was a dead Jaffa, his body riddled with bullets that well, weren't from your gun. That's all we know." Daniel looked perplexed. "We were hoping you could tell us more."
"I was hoping the same," Jack said wearily.
West suddenly waved at the men behind him. "Colonel, do you know these men?"
O'Neill looked closely at the Marine Colonel and an Air Force Major. "No, Sir."
"They're the team leader of SG-3, Colonel Copley, and Major Freeman, who is the fourth on your team, SG-1."
Jack should his head, grimaced, "Sorry, Sir."
"Look Colonel," General West spoke up. "I think we should go and let you rest. The doctor says you should get your memory back, in time. Until then, just take it easy, Colonel. Follow the doctors' orders. That's an order."
"Yes, Sir."
Daniel hung back when the others left. "Jack, you really don't remember?"
O'Neill brought his hand up, rubbed it across his face. "Nothing, Daniel. Not a thing." A pained look crossed his face. "Not even my son." Jack closed his eyes, opened them quickly. "Named after you, I presume?"
"Yes, and my boy is Jon."
"Yours and Sha're's son, Jon?"
"Yeah," he answered, with a shy grin that Jack recognized. Thank God something was familiar. But then, he'd met Daniel before returning from Abydos.
"Damn."
"Jack, are you in pain? Let me get the doctor."
"No," he almost shouted. "I'm just...frustrated, because I can't remember."
"Don't push it, it will come. I'm sure of it. So is Dr. Zimnicki."
<><><><><><><><><><>
Part Two--
Everything was a challenge after a week flat on your back. His body was sluggish, and his muscles weak, even simple things were an effort. It wouldn't be so bad if any sudden move didn't make the floor tilt and the walls shimmy. Dizziness, nausea and headaches were bad enough. Being so weak he couldn't walk from his bed to the john unaided was worse. Still, not remembering was the worst thing of all. Jack was frustrated and angry and upset with himself, with the doctors and with his missing memories.
/---------------\
By the second week, he began to dream, vivid, detailed dreams, that seemed like they should be memories. Daniel was there, and sometimes Kawalsky, but never Freeman, never Copley or even West. There were other faces he didn't recognize, a blonde woman in BDUs, a bald General, and an alien who was not an enemy. There was a house where he lived, that wasn't where he lived. Sara had told him they had moved, to Forester Lane, a new subdivision, for their new start for their new life.
She tried to hide the hurt, tried not to let him see how much it troubled her that he had lost so much of their life together. Every day she was there at his beside, bringing the boy with her, always hopeful, reassuring, positive, supportive.
"The last thing I remember, I was coming home from Aby-- from that mission, the first one with Daniel, needing to talk to you...." He looked at her, needing to know. "Tell me what happened."
"I was packing, I was going to move out, but you came home earlier than I expected." She looked down at her hands. "I planned to be gone before you got back, because I didn't think I'd have the nerve to leave, if you were there. And I didn't. I never could resist that look you have, Jack, the hurt, lost little boy. So I stayed. It wasn't easy, sometimes it's still not easy. But then we were blessed with Danny. He saved us, gave us new hope, a reason to fix things between us."
They kept him in the hospital for the physical therapy and for the medications he needed to hold the headaches at bay, to control the nausea and stifle the dizziness.
O’Neill had lots of visitors. He was so glad to see Kawalsky though he didn't understand the strong emotion that visit provoked. Daniel and Sha're came, bringing Jon to visit, and the little two boys played together like brothers, while Sara and Sha're talked and Daniel chattered on about activities at the base.
"Who's General Hammond?" asked Jack suddenly.
"Who? Hammond? I don't think I know any General Hammond."
"What about Captain Carter?"
"I think there's a Sergeant Carter, Antonio, who works in the gateroom.
"No, Sam Carter."
"There's a Sam Hernandez, but no Sam Carter that I can think of, Jack. Sorry."
"Damn." Jack closed his eyes, tightly. Why did those names, and faces to match them, keep popping up in his head?
"Is your headache back?" Daniel asked worriedly.
Jack just nodded, slowly rubbing the back of his neck and the scar he couldn't remember getting. "Yeah."
/---------------\
At last, they let him go home with Sara to their new house that he didn't remember, to a little boy he held and hugged and wanted desperately to recognize as his own. But the truth was, no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't remember how or when the child was conceived or how Sara had told him they were having this child. There were no memories of when little Daniel was born, when he took his first steps or said his first words. Jack felt like he had stepped into someone else's life.
In the darkness each night, he held Sara, made love to her in the familiar way, exploring each other's bodies with a passion born of desperation on his part, the need to find himself, to immerse himself in something he knew and understood.
Physically, he was recuperating, though slowly. But as his body healed, his mind became no clearer. There were no memories to match what Daniel or Sara or Kawalsky or General West told him about his life over the last four years. There was nothing, nothing since Abydos.
/---------------\
Finally, he was strong enough to go back to his office at Cheyenne Mountain. It was strange. Once he was on the base he knew right where his office was, knew which drawer he would find his keys in, where to hang up his coat. But he didn't recognize most of the people, didn't know where some things were, didn't remember the photo on his desk, the one of him with Sara and Danny, fishing. He remembered that lake, in was in Minnesota at his Grandfather's cabin where they used to take Charlie. And go hiking.
Hiking in the woods....
Hiking in an alien woods… in darkness, and then in the light…
He went looking for Daniel, whose office was right where it was supposed to be. Some of the stuff there looked familiar, but not much.
"Hey, Jack. What’s up?"
Without preliminary he asked, "Daniel, did we go to the Land of Light?"
"Yes! Yes we did! You remember something. Jack, that's great!"
Jack slumped into a chair and frowned, rubbed his aching temple. "Don't get too excited, Daniel. I don't remember much. Just the team going through and Carter said she liked the decor..." He stopped and looked at Daniel. "I know, I know, there's no Carter, but that's what I remember--" O’Neill shrugged. "And, and you were there," and he didn't mention the big black guy with the gold mark on his forehead. "It's like my memories are scrambled. There are bits and pieces, and some parts don't make sense. But there was a virus that made people act primitive, wasn’t there?"
"Right..."
"And you were captured--"
Daniel lost his grin. "Right."
"But the doctors found a cure, anti-, whatever that stuff for allergies--"
"Yeah, anti-histamines, chromium maleate."
"And we saved the Touched and made some friends."
"Yes!" Daniel said triumphantly.
Jack wished he could feel as excited. There was so much he couldn't tell anyone, not even Daniel, not yet, not until he managed to sort things out better himself. He didn't want the Air Force deciding he was crazy. "Sorry, Daniel, I just don't remember enough-- "
"But your memories are coming back, that's the important thing." Jackson couldn't keep the huge grin off his face. "It's the first step, Jack."
But a step on a journey going where, wondered the Colonel, worriedly.
/---------------\
Funny, he remembered the computer codes, of course, that was because he'd used his grandmother's birthday as the password. He logged on to the Air Force personnel database, and there he found the names he was looking for.
Samantha Carter, Captain, USAF; last assignment the Pentagon, now assigned to NASA, the astronaut corps. Her face was the one he’d seen in his dreams.
Dr. Janet Fraiser, assigned to the USAF Academy Hospital general staff. He hadn't met her, but he knew the petite doctor had a soothing voice and a comforting bedside manner, behind which was a woman of steel, who stood up to him.
George Hammond, Major General, retired. He could all but hear the man's gruff voice affectionately wishing him "Godspeed" as he left on a mission.
He shut off the computer, dropped his aching head in his hands, closing his eyes, wishing he could make sense of things, wishing he could remember all of it, wishing this whole mess would just go away.
Was he going crazy? Bonzo, crackers, whacko? Had he finally cracked under the pressure? What had really happened to him? Who were these people and how did he know these things about people he wasn't supposed to know?
/---------------\
On the way home, he detoured to drive past an address that seemed fixed in his memory. There was an older, rundown house there, but it looked very much like the one he remembered living in. Just that the one in his memory was fixed up in a way that this one never had been, but then-- he'd been the one who fixed it up, his memory told him. While he was retired. During the dark days after Sara left him. After he came back from Abydos. Without Daniel.
He pulled the car over to the curb and sat there with his head back on the headrest, his eyes closed, his head pounding.
Finally, a kid riding past on his bicycle, stopped and asked, "You okay mister?"
Jack opened his eyes, nodded, and drove away, more confused than ever.
/---------------\/---------------\
Finally, in desperation, he knew he had to talk to Daniel.
He had to call the Jacksons to get directions, and he felt guilty for slipping out, leaving Sara a note and telling her not to worry, he'd be back in a bit, he’d just gone for a drive.
At Daniel's house, he nodded at Sha're, looked in at his sleeping namesake and their new little girl, Katherine, then he and Daniel adjourned to the cluttered office at the back of the house.
"So what did you need to talk to me about?" Daniel asked.
"Me."
Jackson frowned. "You know that the doctors said I shouldn't tell you about your past or fill in your memories for you, that you need to let yourself remember."
"Daniel, I do remember a lot of things..."
Daniel's face lit up. "That’s great!"
Jack looked down at his hands, his face shadowed and his eyes dark.
"But..." prompted Daniel.
"My memories aren't..." Jack waved a hand in the air, "they aren’t right."
"Not right? How?"
"They don't match what you've told me, what’s in my mission reports, or what I see here, around me-- God, I don't know what's happening." A look of frustration and fear crossed O'Neill's face.
"Okay, let's start back at the beginning."
"I remember things—differently. Different people, different places, things just a tad different."
"Like what?"
"Like you and Sha're staying on Abydos. Me coming home to find Sara gone, and then leaving the Air Force, retiring. Getting divorced, because of what happened to our kid. Buying an old house and fixing it up. And it was General *Hammond* who called me back to active duty. I went back to Abydos, with Captain Carter and Kawalsky and Ferretti, and we brought you back here."
Jack stopped and took a deep breath before going on. "Did we, you, ever go to Chulak?"
"No."
"That's good," muttered O'Neill with a sigh. "That explains it. Because that's where
the Goa'uld took Sha're. We were captured, all of us, and we'd have been killed, but a Jaffa named Teal'c jumped ship, came over to our side, saved us. SG-1 is me and you, Carter and Teal'c."
Daniel shook his head. "A rogue Jaffa and a woman? On your team? That'll be the day, Jack."
O’Neill jumped up and began pacing. "I *know* it doesn't make any sense, but that's what I keep dreaming. Remembering."
"Maybe they are only dreams, Jack."
"No. They're too real, too detailed. The people I asked about, they exist, I looked them up in the USAF personnel database." Jack looked up at his friend. "And, there's more. A theory, of yours. You discovered it and we didn't believe it until you proved it—"
"Proved what?"
"Alternate universes. Carter understood it, Sam Carter, Captain Carter. She's a scientist, way smarter than me. Probably as smart as you."
"Okay, so not only does SG-1 include a woman, she's a woman scientist? Now I *know* you're having delusions," Daniel said with a laugh, then quieted when he saw the pained look on O'Neill's face. "Okay, bad choice of words. I didn't--"
"Can it, Daniel. I know it’s weird, but it's all so real." He studied his hands for a moment. "Daniel, you won't say anything about this? Until I get a few more things sorted out?"
"Of course not. Jack, you know me better than that."
Well, thought O'Neill, I know *a* Daniel Jackson, and I know I trust *him* with my life. I just don't think I actually know *this* Daniel Jackson.
<><><><><><><><><><>
Part Three
"Jack, what's the matter?"
He was sitting up in bed, in the middle of the night, staring at the wall. "Sorry, I can't sleep."
"Headache again?" Sara asked gently.
"Yes," it was true, at least in part. His head still did hurt, but that wasn't what was keeping him awake. It was the memories, the vaguely wrong memories, like looking at an out-of-focus picture. They were piling up, more and more bits and pieces that didn’t add up. Combined with his total lack of memories about his time with Sara and their second son, this house, and a thousand other everyday things, he couldn’t deny the growing uneasiness that clouded his every waking minute.
Unconsciously, Jack realized he was rubbing his right biceps and the nasty scar there. "I remember how I got this," he said to her, suddenly, recalling an arrow soaring through the Stargate, the pain, being left behind while his team went on the mission without him, and the creatures coming back through the gate. Telling Carter— "Tonani," he said very, very softly.
"You remember what happened? Good," she said. "I know you can't tell me...."
He nodded. "It was on a mission." He looked over at her. "Did I ever talk to you about, what I do, now?"
"A little, though nothing specific," she said softly. "I only know that what you're doing is different. It's good work. And I know it makes you happy, to be doing this. Not like what you used to do," she shuddered. "When you were in special ops, you'd come home and be so dark and solitary. And you had terrible nightmares. I'm so glad that time's behind us." She pulled him back down to lie beside her, wrapping her arms around him, careful of his still tender shoulder and ribs. "I love you, Jack O'Neill. We'll work this out, like we've worked through the tough times before. We'll get through it, like we always do. Together."
He wished he felt so confident.
<><><><><>
"So I got this arrow through my arm, from P-whatever, the place where the Indians had the naquadah, and those spirit people."
"Yes. That's it."
"At least I got something right," Jack murmured so softly Daniel could barely make out the words.
"Anything else?" SG-1’s archaeologist inquired hopefully.
"Bald white naked people."
"What?" Daniel yelped. "Oh yeah, that's what you called them. The ones with those marvelous harmonic flowers. That was a *great* planet." He grinned.
Incredulously, Jack asked, "You had a good time there?"
"Well, sure. I finally figured out a sort of sign language to communicate with them in a rudimentary way. I know that you were bored silly the whole time--"
"You never had headaches there?" Jack asked incredulously.
"No."
"You didn't spend your time filming a plant?"
"No."
"And arguing with me?"
"Ah, not there."
"We didn't crash a UAV into a plant and damn near kill them all? Not the plants, the people."
"Why no."
"Crap," O Neill sat back in his chair, closed his eyes, sighing.
"Are you sure you're okay, Jack?"
"No. No I'm not okay, Daniel. I can't remember a big chunk of my life, and the parts of it that I *do* remember I *don't* remember the way *you* or anyone else remember it." Without realizing he was doing it, Jack was rubbing the bridge of his nose. "And, God-- my head hurts."
"Look, Jack, maybe I should give you a ride home, huh?"
"No no I'm fine. I just need to quit thinking about thinking...
"Right. Okay."
<><><><><>
Sara was waiting when he got home. "Daniel called. He said you were having a bad day?"
"Yeah. I just need to sleep."
"If you actually slept when you were 'sleeping,' maybe it would help," she said worriedly.
He stepped toward her and hugged her, holding her close, wanting so much for everything to be back to normal, to feel right. He shivered.
"Jack?" Sara's voice was worried, a frown crossing her face as she pulled back from his embrace.
He pulled her close, needing to feel her solid touch, to feel this was real not some dream or delusion, to drive away the uncertainties that plagued him.
"I love you, Jack O'Neill," she whispered in his ear.
"Same here, Sara O'Neill," he said, repeating the words they had so to each other so many times over so many years. He just didn't know about the last four.
<><><><><>
Jack tossed and turned, muttering in his sleep, as once more the dreams took over his subconscious. He was going to a planet with a storehouse of treasures, like a museum. Daniel was beside himself with delight. But Teal'c said they shouldn't stay. There were warnings from the Goa'uld, this planet was dangerous. He couldn't find Daniel. And then—
O'Neill woke in a sweat, tangled in his blankets, his heart pounding, his mouth dry as he gulped for air. Thankfully, Sara was still asleep beside him, so he climbed carefully from the bed, pulling on a robe against the evening mountain chill. He padded down to the kitchen for a glass of water. Done there, he walked around the dark house, past Danny's bedroom, stopping in the doorway to look at the sleeping boy. He was so peaceful, so perfect, curled into his blankets, clutching the stuffed dog he took to bed with him every night.
It was just such a shame this wonderful precious little boy wasn't his, Jack thought, with a terrible clenching in his chest.
"God, why me?" he whispered in anger and despair, at the night. "Why couldn't this be my life? What did I do to deserve this?" But he knew, he knew why he was destined, it seemed, to mess up every good and decent thing he'd ever had. It was his penance for the mistakes he had made in his misbegotten existence.
He could have been happy here, never knowing the truth, believing this was where he belonged, believing this family, this life, was his.
Sitting down on the bed next to the boy, Jack picked up the child, still wrapped in his blankets, holding him on his lap, treasuring this moment, the last one, he feared, when he could still think of himself as a father. He felt the tears stinging his eyelids, the growing lump in his throat.
His family was being ripped away from him again. It was a heart break he’d barely survived the first time. He wasn’t sure he could live through it again.
But he couldn't deny the awful truth...
Because now he remembered what had really happened that day, when he and his team had gone to Pxwhatever.
<><><><><>
SG-1 was assembled in the briefing room: Jack, Sam, Daniel, Teal'c and General Hammond.
"So, Dr. Jackson, why should we be going back to that planet? It wasn't exactly a safe place to visit the last time," pointed out the commander of the SGC.
"Well, Sir, when we were comparing the devices from Machello's lab, we discovered something familiar. So I checked my tapes, of our visit to P3R-323... and there it was. Is," said the archeologist, pointing to the view screen, which showed an odd-looking device.
Looked like a collection of spare wires, old marbles and odd nuts and bolts, O'Neill thought. "So what is it?"
"We're not sure, but the team at Groom Lake thinks this piece," he pointed to the item on the planet film, "goes with this piece we brought back from Machello's lab," Daniel advanced the screen to a slide of a similar looking device sitting on a lab table.
"Oh, good, so we need to go back and retrieve that, that what-ever-it-is?"
Daniel smiled. "Yes."
Hammond nodded. "That's the plan, Colonel O'Neill. Your team departs at 0900."
At 0855 SG-1 was assembled on the ramp, all except for Daniel. Nothing unusual in that, Jack thought, it seemed he was always waiting for his errant scholar/archeologist/linguist/Stargate traveler/friend.
Just then, Jackson hurried through the gateroom door, still fastening his vest.
"Just in time," said O'Neill, not trying to hide the sarcasm, as he reached over and buttoned up the side pocket on Daniel's vest. Just like a kid, he thought, never ready.
Jack nodded up at the tech in the control room, received an answering nod from Hammond. The Stargate was activated and the kawoosh thing happened. Jack watched, secretly thinking it was pretty neat but he would never give Carter the satisfaction of coming right out and saying so. Keeping a bland expression on his face, he turned to his team. "Let's go, kids," he said, and walked up the ramp and into the whirlpool.
Jack arrived first on P3R-323, stepped quickly forward, scanning his surroundings, weapon at the ready. When the rest of his team arrived, and the gate closed, he said, "All right campers, let's go get that, thing, and get on out of here. Teal'c stay on our six. Carter, you're with me and Daniel."
Jackson started down the hall. "In here," he said confidently, as he started down the hallway and into a room filled with artifacts. "Now, I'm not sure exactly where...."
Jack didn't hide his exasperation. "Major, help him look. I'll keep watch."
They were still searching ten minutes later. "Come on kids, what's the problem?"
"I don't know. I could have sworn this is where it was, right here, next to this, blue thing," said Daniel, puzzled.
"I don't know, Daniel, nothing here seems to be disturbed," said Carter.
"I know Sam--"
And then all hell broke loose.
<><><><><><><><>
Part Four
From behind them, a panel in the wall slid open and Jaffa streamed into the room.
The Colonel's weapon spit lead across the room. "Go, go go, get out of here, Now," he ordered. "Back to the gate."
He could hear Carter hollering at Teal'c telling him to dial home, as she shepherded Daniel out the door.
Jack was just a few steps behind, covering them, when he saw more Jaffa come down the hallway, cutting him off from Carter and Daniel, and the gate.
He retreated down the hallway, firing, backing into another room. He had only minutes before he would be surrounded with no help in sight.
And then O'Neill saw something he remembered. A mirror, and a device that activated it. What the hell, in a couple of seconds, when the Jaffa realized this was the room he was in, they would have him. Knowing he might simply be jumping from the frying pan into the fire, but seeing no other option, he touched the panels on the top of the mirror, randomly choosing red, yellow, green, a familiar pattern.
He tapped his radio, snapped out orders, "Carter, go through the gate for home. Now. All of you. I think I've found a back door out of here. So go."
Then he heard someone at the door, and started to turn. Something slammed into his shoulder, pain lancing through him and he was flung into the mirror--
He went through the mirror. This was strange, maybe it was only a mirror after all, because for a second, he saw his own image looking at him, looking very startled and a voice saying "What the hell?"
Jack staggered, sliding to the floor. The image, well, he knew it was no image, he realized in that instant. This was his double catching him and easing him to the floor.
"Serpent guards," Jack mumbled, got only a look without understanding. "Jaffa."
His alternate self knew that word. The double grabbed Jack, dragging him behind a table, starting back toward the mirror.
"Don't!!" Jack tried to tell him, pushing himself up against the wall, but his voice was so weak he didn't think the other O'Neill heard.
And then, someone else came through the mirror, a Jaffa with a zat gun. The alternate Jack raised his gun and shot the Jaffa at the instant the alien warrior fired his weapon, triggering it convulsively as he died. The blast hit the alternate Jack square in the chest, again, and again, and the other Jack O'Neill dissolved into nothingness beside the dead Jaffa.
Oh shit, thought O'Neill, and passed out--
<><><><><><><><>
God damn.
This Jack O'Neill had killed that Jack O'Neill, as surely as if he had pulled the trigger. He had killed this boy's father, killed this Sara's husband-- Why couldn't he ever do anything right? This world's Jack O'Neill had everything to live for, he had all the things Jack had lost, and he had died saving another Jack O'Neill, the real one he thought, well, as far as he was concerned anyway.
Jack hugged the boy to him, rocking back and forth, holding this child who had been his if only for a few days, and fought back the tears. He didn't know who they were for, for this universe's Jack O'Neill, for this Sara, this Danny, for his Charlie, this world's Charlie, too. For himself, and the mess he'd made of things again. For another dream lost to bleak reality.
<><><><>
Somehow, finally, Jack fell into an exhausted asleep.
He awoke on Danny’s bed, stiff and uncomfortable, curled protectively around the boy. When he tried to slip out of the bed, Danny started to wake. "Daddy," the child whispered, reaching out to clasp O'Neill's large, rough hand in his smooth, tiny one.
"Go back to sleep, Danny." He ruffled the boy's hair, slid off the bed, and went down to the kitchen where he made coffee.
A sleepy Sara soon joined him. When she started to kiss him on the lips, he slipped sideways, so her kiss landed on his cheek. She looked at him in surprise.
"Morning breath," he lied. "Want coffee?"
"Coffee, that's good," she said sleepily as he handed her a cup. "So what are you doing today?"
"I'm going to the mountain," he told her.
"But you're not back on duty yet."
"No, but there's stuff at my office I need to check, and I'd like to talk to Daniel."
"Lately you talk to him more than you talk to me," She protested.
Defensively, he answered, "Work, Sara, you know. Stuff I can’t talk about out here."
"I know," she sighed.
He showered, dressed hurriedly, gave her a hug and a quick kiss on the cheek before he left. As he backed the car out of the driveway, he saw her concerned face watching him from the kitchen window.
He guessed he wasn't doing a very good job of hiding his worries and his guilt, at least not from her.
<><><><><>
He sat at his desk for a long time, trying to come up with a solution to this mess. He knew what he had to do, he just didn't want to have to do it. And telling Daniel about it meant there was no going back. Finally, wearily, he got up from his desk and walked down to Daniel's lab.
"Hi Jack. Didn't expect to see you here today."
"Umm, Daniel, I need to talk."
"So talk away."
Daniel raised an eyebrow as Jack shut the door. "This is private." O'Neill sat on a chair, looked at the pictures behind Daniel's desk, some familiar, some not. He dropped his eyes to stare at Daniel's hands, playing with a pencil.
"So..." Jackson broke the silence.
"Daniel, I don't know if I can explain this.... " God, he needed Carter to explain the science, but he did the best he could. Daniel's face went from disbelieving to incredulous to suddenly very excited as Jack explained, filling in the details he hadn’t been able to recall.
"So there really are other universes? Jack, that's incredible."
"Yes."
Daniel suddenly lost his grin. "But, this means, you're dead. Or I mean, my friend Jack is dead. Oh dear." Jackson sank back into the chair.
"I’m sorry."
Jackson said nothing.
"Daniel, I need to get home."
"How?"
"I need to go back to that planet, and back through that mirror."
"General West is not going to believe this."
"I don't suppose he will. That's why I'm not going to tell him."
"Jack, you're not..."
"Yes, I'm going through the gate unauthorized. I ought to be able to do it in the middle of the night. But I need help," Jack looked up, into Daniel's eyes. "Look, you know, I'm not your friend, not the Jack O'Neill you know…knew. I'm someone else who looks like him..."
"And acts like him."
O’Neill shrugged. "Mostly."
"You could be him." Daniel was staring pointedly at him.
They both understood.
"No, I couldn’t. I'm not him. I'm not your friend and I'm not Sara's husband and I'm not Danny's father," he was choking on the words. "Not that I wouldn't want to be."
"Then be."
"I can't live a lie."
"What do you have to go back to?"
Jack jumped to his feet, pacing. "I made Daniel, my world's Daniel, a promise. Ska'ara too. And Teal'c, to help him free his people. And my world, we're in big trouble with the snakeheads. I have a job to do there. Here, they'll just retire me as medically unfit."
"Would that be so bad? You'd have your family."
"They're *not* my family, Daniel. I don't belong here. I *don't*. Everything is slightly off, like a shadow of what it should be. I'm me, not the Jack who lived here. I'm sorry I got him killed, God knows I'd rather it had been me, I don't want to break Sara's heart and that little kid's heart, but I know I'm going to. I have to. Because even if I tried to stay here and be him, I couldn't."
"No one would know."
"I would. I can’t live a lie, Daniel, no matter how much I want to."
Daniel shook his head. "You always were hardheaded, Jack."
"I can't stay here. I have to go back," O'Neill's face was a study in misery, his eyes pleading.
At last, Jackson nodded. "I understand, I just wish-- "
"So do I." O’Neill cut him off.
<><><><><>
Together, they hatched a plan, how they would get access to the gate, what Daniel would tell West and Sara after he’d gone, how he 'died' at the hands of an alien on that planet, where he'd insisted he needed to go back to find his lost memories.
Planning done, Jack went 'home,’ irresistibly drawn there for one final look at the life he might have had. He shouldn't do it and he knew it, knew it was wrong, but he couldn't stay away. He played a little baseball with Danny, and read him a story before tucking him tenderly into bed. He lingered a long time, watching while the boy slept, memorizing this place, this moment, this child who was his, and yet wasn’t.
"You're quiet tonight," said Sara, coming up behind him, wrapping her arms around his shoulders.
Unable to speak, Jack turned to her, burying his face in her hair. This Sara even used the same shampoo, he thought, the one that smelled like strawberries. Wrapped arm in arm, they went to the bedroom, and wordlessly he made love to her, gently, passionately. When they were sated, he held her for a long time, unable to sleep. Maybe what he'd just done was wrong, making love to this woman who wasn't his Sara, but he needed her so desperately. And he wanted to give her one last good memory, to carry her through the tragedy that was about to overcome her.
Silently, he begged her forgiveness. This Sara was tough, he knew that, she had to be, to have lived with him, or his alternate self all these years, nursed him through all his injuries, suffered with him through his moods, his silences, his defensiveness, endured his failures, and their loss of Charlie. Now she was losing her husband. had already lost him, she just didn't know it yet, he corrected himself.
He tried to act normal in the morning. He said goodbye to the boy with a tender, lingering hug and kissed Sara farewell. "I love you," he whispered in her ear and turned away before he said more, before he said something he shouldn't; before he changed his mind; before she saw his face and the terrible sadness there betrayed him.
<><><><>
He spent the day in his office, hung around as the base quieted, and at midnight, met Daniel in the silent gateroom. "Are you sure you want to do this?"
"No, but I have to," said Jack, stoically.
The gate activated, and O’Neill turned to go. Suddenly, Daniel was there beside him. "I won't let you go alone."
They stepped through together to P3R-323. It was quiet. Neither spoke as they went down the hall to the room where this Daniel had found this Jack.
At the mirror, Jack turned to his friend one last time. "You won't forget what I told you, the planets to stay away from?"
"I won't, Jack."
"And be sure to ask for Colonel Cromwell, Frank Cromwell, for the new head of SG-1. He'll take care of you."
"I'll remember."
"And don't go anywhere near that redheaded bitch Hathor..."
"I was listening, Jack."
O’Neill didn't want to go, he really didn't want to, but knew he had to. "You are blessed here Daniel, never forget that." He struggled to keep his voice even.
"I won't forget." Daniel looked down. "I'll miss my friend Jack O'Neill, and you, too."
They looked at each other in silence for a long moment.
At last, Jack made one final request, his voice husky with emotion. "You'll watch out for them?"
"You didn't have to ask. You know I will."
"I know." He nodded, blinking hastily, and turned to the mirror, tapping out the red, yellow, green pattern.
"Jack, your Daniel, he's very lucky to have you as his friend."
Without looking back, Jack nodded, and stepped back through the mirror.
On the other side, back in his own universe, he turned back to the mirror, just a mirror now, and saw his image reflected there, a single tear sliding down his cheek. Wiping it away and squaring his shoulders, he walked through the battle-scarred hallway toward home.
----------------
FINIS