Author: BadgerGater

Email: [email protected]

Category: Action, adventure; Jnuary 2001 Word a Month: Bait

Rating: PG

Season: Three

Summary: SG-1 needs bait to lure a creature away from the gate

Warning: Snake, large, ravenous, nasty snake; snakewhumping

Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, Gekko Productions; all the powers that be, not me; This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement intended. The story is the property of the author and may not be posted without the author's consent.

Authors Notes: Another word-a-month installment.

I like fishing. I just don't like being the bait.

We had enjoyed our visit to the planet of the lakes. It was a pleasant place, no Goa'uld, no snowstorms, no planet-quakes, just a nice, peaceful warm and sunny place with a lot of ruins to keep Daniel and Carter happy and six uneventful days to keep me happy enough to be bored. Bored is good, sometimes (not fun, but good). Like when you are out in the field or in our case, off on another planet. Means no bad guys. No nasty surprises. No battles. No bloodshed. No visits to Doc and the infirmary. Not that I don't like Doc. She's nice enough. Laughs at my jokes, sometimes, even, which is more than I can say for a lot of people. Just don't like what she does for a living.

But, back to snakes, er, lakes.

Unhappily, like all good things, the pleasant interlude had to come to an end and it was time to go home, leaving behind that tranquil campsite by the lakes. That's when things didn't stay so peaceful.

We'd packed up a FRED-load of rocks, okay, okay, for Daniel's sake I'll call them artifacts- and had started our long walk back to the gate, me on point and Teal'c on our six. As we came within sight of the Stargate, I noticed something was wrong, definitely wrong. Because right there, curled up around the Stargate like a dog snoozing on his favorite blanket, was a snake, the biggest, ugliest snake I ever saw. No, no not one of those Goa'uld snakes, but a snake, like on Earth, like a huge honkin' anaconda or a boa constrictor. Just imagine a serpent about ten times the size of one of those. Probably 80 feet long, maybe 15 feet around. Mouth big enough to swallow a Volkswagon whole, I figured.

"Ah, do you see what I see?" asked Major Carter.

"Uh oh," said Daniel.

"Shit," I said, cutting right to the point.

"So, what are we going to do?" asked Daniel.

"Shoot it," I said.

"Hey, wait, you can't just shoot it," protested Daniel.

"Why not?"

"Because we don't know anything about it."

"He's right, Sir," added Carter. "It could be friendly, even intelligent."

"A smart snake? A friendly snake?" I asked incredulously.

"We've seen stranger things, Sir."

"Like?"

"Like the Nox," said Daniel.

"Those dragon things on PF6-475," noted Carter.

"And the porcupine creatures on PXG-425," Daniel recalled.

"Or those flying wings on PD3-811." Carter added.

How do they remember all those letters and numbers? Huh? God, scientists and scholars, I thought with disgust. "Enough okay. Maybe it's friendly. So, what, you expect to just walk up to it and ask it if it's friendly?

"Well, no Sir," admitted Carter.

"Teal'c, have you ever heard of anything like this?" I asked.

"Long ago, O'Neill, I heard of a planet that was home to huge snake-like creatures of great intelligence..."

"oh that's sweet..."

"the Goa'uld fled that world," he continued in that unruffled voice, "because the snakes were deadly hunters..."

"wonderful..."

"that would explain why the Goa'uld left this place," interjected Daniel.

Teal'c's dulcet tones continued unperturbed. "The serpents of that world were quite poisonous. Highly voracious. And always ill-tempered."

"Oh for crying out loud. Any good news? Any way to kill the damn things?" I asked.

"Not that I am aware of, O'Neill," said Teal'c.

"Okay, so we can't make friends with it, we can't kill it, and it probably wants to kill us. So, we'll outlast the bastard," I said with a smile.

Great plan. Except, of course, that it didn't work.

<><><><><>

So there we sat, four days later, still watching the big snake, happily sunning itself on the platform of the Stargate while I was unhappily getting sunburned, hungry and irritated.

"Okay, kids, time for a new plan." I looked around at the rest of my team, all of them as sick as I was of the once lovely PXG-989. "Suggestions?"

"We could try to talk to it," said Daniel.

"Ah, no. we're not that desperate. Yet." I vetoed the idea.

"Shoot it," said Teal'c. "Perhaps a zat gun?"

"Didn't the goulds have zat guns when they encountered these things before?"

"Of that I am not sure, O'Neill. But we could attempt to disable it without killing it."

"Okay, that's one possibility. Any others?"

"We could try to lure it away."

I looked over at Carter. "With what?"

"Bait."

"Well, we don't have much left for food, and we don't know what it eats," I countered.

"Humans," said Teal'c.

"Right. Well, I don't know about you, but I'm certainly not in enough of a hurry to get off this planet that I'd be willing to offer up myself as bait." O'Neill shook his head. "Keep thinking, kids. Come up with a solution."

<><><><><>

Another day passed. The big snake was still in place. SG-1 was still in place. The snake seemed happy and content. SG-1 was neither.

"Okay, we have to try something," I insisted.

"What if we kill one of those native cow-things?" asked Carter.

I'd thought of that; even I was hungry enough to eat a horse. "We can't eat them, Carter, they're poisonous."

"I know that, Sir, they're poisonous to us, everything on this planet is inedible to humans. But the snake lives here, Sir, and it has to eat. Probably more often than someone or something comes through the Stargate. It would need to be able to eat local food, Sir. We could offer the carcass to the snake. Maybe it would take it and eat it."

Hmm. Not a bad idea. So Teal'c and I went hunting, brought Mr. Snake a nice, fresh, dead cow-thingy.

He wasn't interested.

"You know," mused Carter. "Some snakes only consume live prey."

"Oh that's comforting," I answered.

"It's true, Sir. With some snakes, you have to give them live animals to eat. They won't attack or eat anything that's not moving."

"And how do you know that?" I asked.

"I had a pet snake, Sir," she said with a grin.

"Bet it wasn't as big as that," I said, pointing at our friend at the gate.

"Ah, no Sir. It wasn't."

So there, I thought smugly.

We took turns on watch, keeping one eye on the snake and the other on the gate. Teal'c was on watch, when I heard a familiar sound and jumped up from my nap, binoculars in hand. "What's up?"

"I believe the Stargate is being activated."

"Shit." I said, grabbing my gun. The snake had moved, away from the gate, making sure the kawoosh didn't get it. Smart snake, I thought.

"Why wouldn't we be glad?" Daniel asked, noting my unhappy expression. "The snake is leaving, isn't it?"

"Not far enough," I pointed out, watching the serpent stop once it was safely out of range of the gate activation. "And what happens if they send a rescue team through from earth? Our snake gets lunch."

"Ohh. Right," said Daniel.

I watched, holding my breath, but thankfully what emerged from the wormhole was not any of our people, but a MALP. The little machine stopped, the camera rotating until it was looking directly at the snake. The snake looked back. The MALP trundled forward, and then the serpent, with surprising speed, reached over and gulped down the MALP.

We watched in awe as a hunk of metal that used to be a very expensive taxpayer supplied piece of high-tech hardware barely made a bulge, rippling through the snake's stomach. So much for a rescue team from Earth.

"I guess that means we're on our own, kids," I announced.

<><><><><>

Day six on snake watch. No movement. Though we'd been on half rations, we'd used up our MREs and had nothing left but ration bars. We couldn't wait much longer, or we'd start getting too weak to move. Time to do something, Jack. Get off your butt and find a solution. "So, what do we do, campers?"

"Get the snake to move," Daniel answered.

"I know that. How?"

"Bait." said Carter.

"We tried that." I reminded her, frustrated.

"Live bait," she looked at me apologetically. "Moving bait. Like the MALP."

Why me, I thought, why? Because if someone was going to have to be the bait, well, the other three members of SG-1 were looking at him. I couldn't let it be Daniel, or Carter, and Teal'c could provide the best covering fire in case things went wrong, so that left-- moi. Bait. Never knew how a minnow felt before. Maybe I'll never go fishing again. "Okay, so where do we...I... lure the snake to, to give us time to make our getaway?"

"Colonel, I've got an idea," suggested Carter.

<><><><><>

"Here, snakey, snakey, snakey," I called softly, sauntering across the grass. The huge serpent languidly raised it's head to follow my movements, eyes blinking slowly, and a long, narrow, forked tongue slipping slowly out of its mouth and slowly back in.

I do not like snakes, I thought, big snakes, little snakes, young snakes, old snakes, green snakes, gold snakes. Okay, I just plain hate snakes. Get the picture?

I walked slowly back across the meadow. It followed me with it's eyes, it's long greenish tongue flicking faster. "Oh Mr. Snaaaaaake, come on now."

Damn, I didn't want to get any closer. I needed every foot of extra space, every inch of lead if I was going to outrun the damn thing to our little trap. I really, really didn't want to get any closer. "Snakey, snakey, hellllllooooo."

Oh, damn. This stupid plan was really going to work. The serpent began to uncoil itself from around the gate. I slowly edged my way backwards, a step at a time, an easy retreat. I could see Daniel and Carter far off to my left, working their way cautiously closer to the gate. It was their job to get the DHD working and send the iris code, because I figured Teal'c and I were going to be running, with no time to stop, when we got back here. If we got back here.

Easy, kids, I thought, watching Daniel and the Major. "Oh, snakey snakey," I called out. I backed away, slowly, as the snake slithered across the platform, it's head raised now, watching me. It's eye must have been about a foot across, I thought, staring into it. Don't get mesmerized by it, O'Neill you idiot, I told myself.

I broke the eye contact, and backed up. It advanced, following me. Like a slow, choreographed dance, I moved, it moved; I moved, it moved. Then suddenly, seeming to tire of the game, it hissed and reared up to strike.

I ran like hell.

I didn't have time to spare for a look behind me, but I knew it was there, I could feel it rumble across the ground behind me. That damn thing could move!

I'd checked this route carefully, knew where the trees and the rocks and the logs were, knew exactly where I was going, how far I had to run. I just didn't know how fast, because we'd had no way to test how quick the damn serpent was.

I knew now. It was fast.

Almost there, O'Neill, almost there and you've still got a good lead. Hasn't gained on you much. Looking good, old man, looking good. I took a quick look behind. He's just...

And then I felt something slap my leg, stinging, a lashing pain like a whip. The damn snake had hit me with it's tongue, burning across my leg. I stumbled, regained my footing, and ran the last hundred yards on sheer adrenaline, past the rocky entrance to the canyon, and through the narrow passage between the two big rocks.

I slipped into the narrow, winding passage, much too small of a space for one giant snake to follow one small human. I paused, hands on knees, gasping for air. Just a minute to catch your breath, O'Neill, then run, again, back to the gate, join the others. Go home.

I straightened, took a step, realized my leg felt... funny. Looked down and saw a raw welt where the creature's tongue had burned through my clothes, left marks like burns across my left leg. Oh great, I thought.

I jogged for the gate. Behind me I could hear the snake, snuffling around in the canyon, searching for its escaped prey. Ahead of me, I could hear the welcome sound of the Stargate activating, that wonderful kawooshing that meant we had a way home.

If I got to the Stargate, I thought suddenly, because right about then I realized I was finding it very hard to keep focused. Everything had gotten a little fuzzy and I could swear it should be morning, but the sun had gone a shade dimmer. I slowed, staggered, somehow kept moving.

My vision was still working well enough to see the welcome sight of Teal'c trotting towards me, out of the trees, his staff weapon in hand.

"O'Neill, are you ill?"

"Oh, I'm just...fine," I said lazily, focusing my gaze on the Stargate, which seemed to be shimmering in the mid-day heat like a mirage.

"O'Neill, you are not fine. I will assist you," he said. Throwing me over his shoulder, not a pleasant thing when you're already dizzy, but much more pleasant than ending up in the stomach of an 80 foot snake, the Jaffa carried me to the gate.

I closed my eyes to keep from losing my lunch, well, okay, I hadn't had any lunch, but to keep from losing what little might have been in my stomach. I felt Teal'c stop, heard Daniel ask, "what's wrong?"

"O'Neill was struck by the snake."

"Struck?"

"The creature's tongue burned his leg."

"Put me down," I ordered the Jaffa, opening my eyes. "I'll walk through the gate, thank you." He set me on my feet, and I staggered, but stayed upright by grabbing his shoulder.

Suddenly I heard a sound behind us, saw the snake charging out of the trees. "Time to go, campers," I said, and we stepped through the wormhole.

Someone hollered "close the iris," I don't think it was me, and then I heard one huge, honkin' smack. "Road kill snake," I mumbled.

<><><><><>

Things got a little sketchy then. My leg was burning, and I was suddenly feeling very warm and extremely ill, and then I was on the floor, curling up into a fetal position and moaning. Great thing to do, in front of a whole audience in the gate room. Someone was patting my shoulder, telling me I would be fine, and that was a lie, I knew, as the blackness rushed in. Oh damn.

<><><><><><>

I woke up lying on a bed in the infirmary, a worried Doc checking me over.

"Colonel?"

"Hmmm," I was still feeling, well, not quite right. Odd, actually, like everything was going on around me in slow motion.

"Colonel O'Neill, can you hear me?"

"Doc?" I opened my eyes, looked into her worried brown ones hovering above me. "Made it."

"Yes, you're home. You're running a very high fever, Colonel. There appears to be some sort of toxic substance in your system, from your contact with the snake."

"Wonderful."

"Colonel, we're working on an antidote now. Just take it easy Sir. You're going to be just fine."

"Oh sure."

"We've got you stabilized and we're getting some fluids into you. Do you need something for the pain?"

"Course not," I mumbled.

"I'll take that as a yes, Colonel. This should help." and she added something to my IV.

She was right, of course. It helped and in minutes, I drifted off, asleep this time.

<><><><><>

I woke up six days later. Guess I gave her and my team quite a scare, unconscious all that time. Something in that snake's saliva acted like a poison, a nerve agent, supposed to paralyze the creature's prey. Like a jellyfish.

Oh, good. Fish. Bait. O'Neill.

No. Next time I go fishing, I'm gonna use one of those artificial lures.

No live bait for me.

Never again.

<>X<>X<>X<>