I shudder, pushing the dark memories aside, and I see Doc looking at me. I'm okay, I tell her with a silent look, and I know she understands.

"Daniel, I need to examine you," Doc says softly.

"No," his voice is so quiet, so desperate, so weak. "I can't leave her. She shouldn't be alone. She'll be frightened, here among all these strangers. I can't..."

"Daniel," I make my voice as quiet and as gentle as I can, my hand touching his shoulder, and he looks up at me, the desperation in his glance prompting my promise. "Daniel, I'll stay with her. I won't leave her alone, I promise."

Looking back, at me and at her, he finally leaves with Carter and Fraiser, and I am alone with Sha're.

----------------------

I have had more than enough of death and dying and grieving, and yet here I am, sitting vigil with Daniel's beloved Sha're.

I hardly knew her. I remember her only dimly as one among the many on our first visit to Abydos, remember her mostly only as Ska'ara's sister.

Then I remember another night and a meal shared with the people of Abydos on our return there, the laughter and the joy we shared as friends greeting each other again. The love was so visible between Daniel and Sha're. I know what it's like to have that and to lose that, and an old familiar ache awakens in my heart.

Sha're. Another victim of the O'Neill jinx. How many more will I doom, to death or despair? Charlie. Sara. Kawalsky. Sha're. Ska'ara. Daniel.

God, Sha're I am sorry. He would never have opened up the gate for anyone but me, I'm the one who's to blame. You could still be there, living a life of innocence and happiness, if I hadn't convinced him it was safe to re-open the damn Stargate.

Oh God, I'm sorry.

I hope you are at peace now.

I drop my head into my hands. I know a bit of what you may have gone through, though I had only a glimpse of the horror of Goa'uld possession, and what they can do to a human. I hope you can forgive me, Sha're, because I will never forgive myself.

---------------------------------

I don't know how long I sat there, silently, when soft footsteps approached.

"Colonel, are you okay?" Doc asks.

I didn't realize I was sitting here still in field gear stained with mud and blood, still wearing my vest and sidearm. "I'm okay." I look down. "The blood isn't mine."

"Good."

"How's Daniel?"

Her look is grim. "Physically, he's doing as well as could be expected, all things considered. It was a very close call." She looks at me. "Emotionally," she shrugs, "time will tell."

Yes, it will, I think. Time heals all wounds, so they say, but they're wrong. Some wounds never heal, some pain never stops. Gets less, though, with time.

"I don't think it's really hit him yet," she adds.

I nod, knowing that no it hasn't, remembering how it was. It won't sink in for a while yet, a few days maybe, because it takes the mind longer to accept the stunning suddenness, the finality of it. On the surface, you are too occupied with the words, the condolences, the rituals of mourning and the funeral. And then, when that is over, that's when it hits, when the house is quiet and you are alone, and there is nothing to keep you from crashing head on into the loss and the pain. Believe me, I know.

Dr. Fraiser pulls the sheet up over Sha're's face.

------------------------------------

In a couple of minutes an orderly comes, to move Sha're's body to the morgue. As I walk beside the sheet-draped body, there's plenty of noise around me in the infirmary. There were men hurt in that battle to free the captive Abydonians. I should be out there, checking, seeing to them, seeing to the living, but just now I can't leave her. I made a promise to Daniel that she wouldn't be left alone. I understand that. I couldn't bear to think of Charlie alone, in the morgue, in the funeral home, in the ground. It was one of the things I couldn't stop thinking about, one of the things that almost prompted me to follow him, that image of him alone and frightened, of him calling out to me, reaching out for me, of needing me, of his voice calling....

Stop it Jack, get a grip.

I only hope Daniel doesn't hear her calling, I hope he doesn't have to go through that, I think with a shiver.

------------------------------------

"Colonel?"

I start to rise, but a hand on my shoulder halts the movement. "As you were, Son," Hammond is at his most soothing. "She's...?"

"Oh yes, Sir, no rising from the dead this time, I'm afraid, Sir," I say wearily.

"I was just looking in on Dr. Jackson. Dr. Fraiser says he will be all right."

I look at the General, and we exchange a knowing glance. He lost his wife of 25 years, he knows, just as I do, that sense of loss and emptiness that Daniel is feeling. He knows that Daniel, like me and like himself, will never be the same again.

"What happened, Jack?"

Briefly, I explain, reporting the bare details, the rescue of the Abydonians, discovering Sha're, and Teal'c's action to save Daniel. "He had no choice, Sir," I explain.

Hammond nods quietly. "I'm sure he didn't." The General watches me with concern. "And your team, Colonel?"

My team. None of us will be unaffected. Daniel won't be the only one who'll need my help and I have to find something inside me to help them. I don't know if I can, this strikes too close to home, to my own unhealed wounds. Just because I know about loss doesn't mean I know about healing. I don't. I don't know how to heal because I haven't healed, I've just, well, just gone on. Plunged ahead. Plowed forward, buried the past and I know that's not the way to heal but for me it was the way to survive.

And then there's Teal'c. He did what he had to do, what I would have done, or Carter would have done, but it would have been easier for Daniel to accept that fateful decision from either of us. He and Teal'c had been on shaky ground from the start. It had taken them a lot of time and much effort to become friends, and now, now I don't know if this breach can be repaired.

"I'll talk to them, Sir," I answer. "We'll get through it."

"This will be hard on you, all of you, Jack. I'll give you as much time as I can," Hammond says before he departs.

As much time as he can. Not as much time as we need, because there may not be enough time to ever get over something like this, not for someone as sensitive as Daniel. Daniel isn't military. It will be even harder for him to understand that war goes on, because this is a war, one we can't afford to lose, and SG-1 is on the front line.

I have to find a way to heal my team and keep us going.

-----------------------

I stand, and pace, past the foot of the bed, as another figure comes to join me. It is Kasuf, Sha're's father.

"Sir, I am sorry for your loss," I tell him.

His face is dark. "I need a few moments alone with my daughter, Colonel O'Neill. You should go to Daniel, he is in need of your friendship now."

"I promised him I would stay with Sha're," I explain.

Kasuf nods. "I know. But Daniel needs you, too. I will not leave my daughter alone."

I nod and head down the hallway.

-------------------

Teal'c is there, outside Daniel's door, standing solemnly, on guard.

"Teal'c," I say.

"You are well, Colonel O'Neill?"

"Fine. How's Daniel?"

Teal'c shakes his head. "I do not know. I have not gone in. Major Carter, however, is with him."

"That's good." I start to push open the door, then pause. "Teal'c, you did the right thing."

"I am aware of that fact, O'Neill. There was no other option available to me."

"Good. It's the same thing I would have done, my friend," I tell him, and when he turns to me, I see a glimmer of appreciation in those warm brown eyes, a silent thank you for understanding the difficulty of his split second decision, and the pain it has caused him. "Daniel will understand, too, in time."

I touch Teal'c on the shoulder, and then I push open the door to enter Daniel's room. Carter rises from a chair near the bed, and comes over to me.

"He's sleeping," she whispers.

"No I'm not," he says, opening his eyes just enough to see that it's me, then letting them fall shut again.

"Sha're?" he asks.

"Kasuf is with her," I answer quickly, not wanting him to think I've broken my promise.

He nods.

I take the seat Carter vacated. "Headache?" I ask, not knowing how to start, what to say, or if I should say anything, yet.

He pinches his nose with his fingers, a sure sign he's not feeling well at all.

"Yeah," he says, and starts to push himself upright, before falling back, dizzily.

"Whoa, whoa, and where do you think you're going?"

"I should be there, with Kasuf."

"Kasuf is fine. The others from Abydos are with him. You need to be right here, in this bed. Doctor's orders."

"And since when do you listen to doctor's orders?"

"When they're aimed at somebody else. Like you." I reach out, gently touching his shoulder. "She's not alone and she won't be, I promise."

"I know," he says, wearily. "But I should be there." He's quiet for a moment. "We need to take her back to Abydos."

"General Hammond is working that out with Kasuf. We'll take care of it."

"Thank you," he says very quietly, without opening his eyes.

Oh, dammit, Daniel, don't thank me. You should be cursing me, yelling at me, taking out your anger and frustration on me. I didn't do anything but get her killed.

--------------------------

He drifts, sleeping fitfully while I sit on the hard backed chair and try not to think. Finally, Major Carter returns, quietly pointing out into the hallway, and I leave, as she takes my place beside Daniel's bed.

General Hammond is waiting in the hallway. "Colonel, I've arranged for funeral services in three days, according to Abydonian customs, as Kasuf explained them. And Dr. Fraiser assures me Dr. Jackson should be well enough to attend by then."

"Permission to..."

"Permission granted, Colonel. I'll be joining you as will Major Carter and Dr. Fraiser."

I nod, noting one missing name, Teal'c. "Thank you, Sir."

"Now Colonel, get yourself cleaned up and get some rest."

"Sir..."

"No buts, Colonel. I've given strict orders that you're not to be allowed back in his room or at her vigil for a minimum of six hours."

"Yes, Sir."

-----------------------

I shower, change into clean BDUs and honestly, I try to sleep, but never do manage to get much rest. Every time I doze off, I start dreaming, bad dreams, filled with too many missing faces.

Six hours to the minute since I'd left, I am back at Daniel's room. He isn't doing much better at sleeping than I'd been, though, despite needing it even more than I do. Though I slip in quietly, he opens his eyes, sees it is me, then lets them fall closed again.

"You doing okay?"

"Yeah, sure."

Dumb question, Jack, what did you think he would say? You've taught him well.

"I've had the weirdest dreams," and he tells me, the whole thing, about waking up and Sha're was there, and he was quitting the SGC and she told him not to. Confusing story, but I listen, making those little yeah and uhhuh noises, to let him know I am listening and trying to make sense of it all. He tells me about all of it, how he first thought he couldn't stay here, couldn't keep on without the hope of finding her, but she had convinced him to stay. We had convinced him to stay.

"But I didn't say anything," I protest quietly.

"Well, no not actually, just in my dream or my vision, or whatever it was, what I saw or thought I saw while Ammonet was using that device on me..."

"Like your life passing before your eyes as you were dying?"

"No, more like the future, a possible future, passing before my eyes in that moment. Like Sha're sending me a message."

"Now I'm confused."

A tiny smile crosses his lips. "That's what you told me, how you can't follow my logic but it doesn't matter... oh never mind."

"So?" I ask when he was done.

"So, I'm not done with the SGC or gate travel. You won't get stuck with Rothman."

"Who?"

"My old research assistant... Jack, look, it doesn't matter. I thought about quitting, about leaving...."

"You couldn't leave. We both know that." Is that something like a chuckle I hear from the bed?

"That's exactly what you said. I couldn't leave. I'd miss you."

"You would," I say.

"I would," he answers, softly. "But I won't leave because there is something left to do, out there."

"Good." I reach over, pulling the blankets up around his shoulder. "Now, you should try to sleep. Doc hears me in here talking with you she'll kick me out again. Okay?"

--------------------

The next morning, Doc releases Daniel and I go with him to Abydos. We accompany the Abydonians and Sha're's body. Once there, Daniel disappears into the village, joining his adoptive people, leaving me to my own devices while they take care of all the pre-burial rituals of her people. I hang around, offering to be helpful, watching, trying to stay out of the way and keep my mouth shut and be there if Daniel needs anything. I'm probably as much hindrance as help, but I'm there.

Once the others from Earth arrive, one of Kasuf's cousins explains the funeral rituals to us, telling us our tasks in the burial ceremony. The four of us are honorary pall bearers of sorts, looking very strange in our vivid dress blues in stark contrast to the tan and brown desert tones worn by Daniel and the Abydonians.

Somehow, he gets through the whole burial ritual, and we cover Sha're's mummy wrapped body with sand. Doc and the General and Carter return home, but I'm staying. Not that I have to, no one ordered me to stay but no one is going to order me to go. I am not about to leave Daniel here. Yes, I know the Abydonians are his adopted people, I know they are family, too, and it isn't them I am worried about. For practical reasons, I can't leave him here alone on this planet, someone has to stand guard. There is a bounty on his head, mine too, actually all of SG-1 is valuable, and sought by the Goa'uld. So I can't leave him here, unguarded.

Besides, I think he might need someone to talk to.

In the end, I was right about that.

The second night, I hear him rise and leave the tent we are sharing. I let him go, following silently at a distance to give him privacy yet close enough to keep him safe. He climbs to the top of a nearby hill and sits, looking up at the stars. After an hour or so of quiet, he calls out, "Jack, you might as well come on up here."

I thought I'd done a better job of keeping quiet, and tell him so as I climb up the hill and sit beside him on a boulder, shoulder to shoulder.

He laughs grimly. "I knew you would be here. Playing nursemaid."

"No, bodyguard. Friend. Uncle. Big brother. Whatever you need."

He is silent for long moments. I can hear the tremor in his voice as he buries his face in his hands. "God, it was all my fault."

"All your fault?" I ask, stunned. "You and Sha're were here and safe. *I* was the one who asked you to open the damn gate. *I* was the one who promised I'd find her, and didn't. If anyone is to blame for this, Daniel, it's me."

He shakes his head. "You asked, but I didn't have to answer." I can hear the anguish in his voice. "I could blame you for asking, but I didn't have to open the gate. And I could blame Teal'c for choosing her, but I know it wasn't truly his choice, just like it wasn't his choice to, to shoot her. He only did what he had to do." He is silent a moment. "I was the one who opened the gate because of my own pride..."

"What?"

"I wanted everyone to see the wonders in that room on Abydos. I wanted to show the people who'd been part of the project back here, Katherine, the other archeologists who were so wrong to begin with. I wanted vindication from them. I wanted *you* to see what I found. I wanted the respect of people..."

"You had my respect..." I say softly.

His answer is equally soft. "I know. But all these other people, General West and all the rest of them that worked here and treated me like some hopeless geek.... God, I just wanted to show it off, share what I'd found."

"There's nothing wrong with that."

"Yeah, right," he says sarcastically. "I opened the gate, I knew better, but I let my own personal wishes override my good sense. And that made it possible for the Goa'uld to come through, and they took Sha're and Ska'ara and I let them."

"You didn't *let* them."

"I did. I should have stopped it."

"How? Remember, I was there, and I'm the military man and I sure as hell didn't stop it. Feretti and the team and the Abydos militia couldn't stop them. How do you think you could have stopped them?"

"She was my wife, I should have died rather than let her be taken."

"Deciding to die to assuage your guilt is vastly over-rated, Daniel," I say, speaking with the voice of experience.

We sit silently then for a long time before he finally asks, in a low, husky voice, "how do you do it, Jack? How? How do you go on?"

Damn. I'd been afraid he'd ask me some question like that, one I didn't have an answer to. I shrug, then realize he can't see the movement in the darkness. "I don't have the answer."

"You have all the answers, Jack, you always do."

No, I think sadly, not on this subject. "No." I answer simply, remembering how badly I'd mishandled my own grief, how my inability to deal with Charlie's death had cost me my marriage, too.

"But you do know. You survived..." and he stops.

"Charlie's death? I don't know how I did it, Daniel. I honestly don't remember the first couple of weeks. I don't know if I've just blotted them out since, or if I was so numb they just never registered on my brain. All I remember is sitting in his room with the gun in my hand."

I feel Daniel shiver.

"I wanted to use it, but some part of me wouldn't let me, wouldn't surrender."

In the darkness, I can barely make out his nod of agreement. "And after?" he asks.

"You saw the after. I didn't deal with it, I just survived it. I know it's a cliche, but it's all I can tell you. One day at a time. That's all. Live one day at a time, and if you can't face a whole day, then face one hour or one moment." Sometimes, it *was* that bad, I remember. "You were the one who turned it around, Daniel, because you reminded me that I had no right to hurt anyone else by trying to ease my own conscience." I take a deep breath. "Because you saw through me, Daniel, you looked past the anger and recognized the pain that was underneath." I pause, adapting the words he'd said to me then, words I will never forget because they were words that changed my life. "There are people who care about you, don't ever forget that."

I hear a sob in his voice and in the darkness, I reach out and pull his head in against my shoulder. "Go ahead," I say gently, and let him cry, holding his shoulders as they shake with the force of his sobs and the power of his grief.

I never cried for Charlie and I should have, I know that now. It would have helped, if I had let some of my grief out, instead of trying to hold it all in. But by the time I realized I should have, it was too late, and the tears wouldn't come. They never will, now. "Let it out, Daniel," I whisper.

Finally, I realize he has gone to sleep. Carefully, I cover him with my jacket. We sit like that, shoulder to shoulder, until he awakens at dawn.

Wordlessly, we watch the sunrise together.

Sunrise. A beginning, a symbol of life returning and life reborn anew. I've watched more than a few sunrises, finding strength and hope there. I hope Daniel finds the same.

Finally, we walk together back to the village. Daniel bid his farewells to the Abydonians and silently just the two of us walked back to the Stargate.

He dials the DHD, and I send the iris code, receiving the acknowledgement. "Ready?" I ask.

"Yeah," he says with a hint of a smile, and together we step through the wormhole.

Daniel, and SG-1, we are all going to be alright. Not the same, never the same, because that's the way life is. You go forward because you can't go back. SG-1 will survive.

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