The Diary of General Jack O?Neill

By BadgerGater

Email: [email protected]

Episode: None

Season: S9

Spoilers: Jack's fate in S9

Category: Humor, I hope (satire on S9)

Pairing: None

Summary: The excitement of life in the Pentagon

Rating: Anyone

Warnings: None

Disclaimer: Stargate is owned by all kinds of important folks that don?t include me; I?m just borrowing the characters, and will return them; This story, however, is mine, and may not be posted without my consent.

Author's Pledge: The real Jack O'Neill, presented with honest, accurate information about the fic so that the potential reader may make an informed decision on whether or not to read.

Author's Note: Jack O'Neill doesn't belong at the Pentagon. Thanks to Cokie for the beta, and to all those who feedback. It's not an easy time to be a Jack fan, but we persevere.

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"Nothing is better than the unintended humor of reality." Steve Allen

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Monday, Nov. 28, 2005

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Encountered bad traffic jam on way to work. Considered calling in air strike, but thought better of it. Civilian authorities disapprove of bomb craters in major roadways. Besides, they just slow the traffic even worse tomorrow.

Got lost on the way from parking area to my office. Whoever decided a nine sided building was a good idea was wrong.

Signed some papers. Have no idea what they said, but they looked important. Signature looks cool. Note to self?practice signing as Major General Jack O?Neill. Impresses even me.

While shuffling papers, suffered severe paper cut. Applied Band-aid. Wondered if I am eligible for another Purple Heart for this?

Got lost on the way to big important meeting of big, important Generals.

Pissed off a General. Not a problem. He was a Marine General. They live in a permanently pissed off state anyway.

Got lost again, on the way back to my office. Note?ask if someone can paint lines on the floor like they have at SCG. Helpful for navigationally challenged generals from Minnesota.

Had visit from favorite small gray alien. He?s still small and gray.

Scheduled trip to inspect offworld Beta site for next week. Will travel with small gray alien in his cool ship. Note to self?lobby small gray alien to name another ship the O?Neill.

President called, sort of. His secretary misdialed. She apologized profusely.

Asked my secretary to remind me what I was doing here. She didn?t know either.

Went to lunch. Did not get lost. This time. Note?Inquire if blue jello can be added to Pentagon dining room menu. Much more colorful than current boring food selection which is definitely lacking in blue foods.

Sent e-mail to SGC, designed to improve morale of personnel. Okay, so it was jokes I sent to T. They were clean. Mostly.

Constructed and flew experimental airplanes. Note?order more paper. Used whole ream. Blue would look cooler, more Air Force-ish.

Answered phone. Call was for that other O?Neill, the one with only one L. And he?s still just a Colonel. Did excellent job of not sounding smug.

Tried Dial-A-Joke. Jokes suck.

Wrote fan letter to Mary Steenburgen. Hopeful she will be impressed by embossed Pentagon stationery.

Logged on Internet, checked National Hockey League schedules and team info. My name is once again not on the Blackhawks roster. Dang.

Had secretary show me (again) how to access Air Force personnel records. Looked up old Academy buddies. Sadly, found none working at Pentagon. Double dang.

Played word game?word: Washington: Tallied lots of words: wash, town (hate this town), hint, hang, want, gash, gosh, ash, gnash, saw, was, gas (has gotten way too expensive), haw, tag, wag (Maybe I should get a dog), nag, hag, sing, song, sang, wing, wagon, ton, tan (got none now that I sit in an office all day), wan, sin, gin (ew, never liked the stuff), win, tin, won, son, hon (yes, that?s a word), sown, gown, wait (all I do all day), gait, saint, goat, not, sot, hot, hat, wit, sit (behind a desk?boring), sat, swing, sting, twin, twang, shin, wish (I was anywhere but here)--

Watched clock, observed that hands move extremely slowly. Note- Tomorrow, call Siler to see if he can speed up clock.

Exhausting day ends when I get lost on the way back to the parking area. Note?be sure to check on painting lines, maybe with numbers on them?

Found car. Sat in drivers seat, banged head repeatedly on steering wheel. Wondered if pleading, whining, groveling, begging would convince President to allow me to go back to SGC?

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