Between The Darkness and the Dawn
Author: BadgerGater
Email: [email protected]
Category: Drama, Thoughts, Jack's POV; Word A Month: Fade
Pairing: None
Rating: G
Season: Written in mid-5, but really, could be anywhen
Summary: A quiet look into Jack's deep Irish soul
Warnings: None.
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, Gekko Productions; all the powers that be, not me; This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement intended. The story is the property of the author and may not be posted without the author's consent.
Authors Notes: Fade- A lovely word that's provoking some marvelous fic on the www.frondfic.com word a month site.
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I'm not sure how many millions of miles away from home we are tonight. I could ask Carter and she'd tell me, but really, to me, it's not important. I know that I'm not on Earth, and that's all the matters.
Not on Earth. Still sounds strange, even after all these missions, after five years of this, but I'll let you in on a little secret: the thrill is definitely *not* gone.
Not that I'd let anyone know that it ever was a thrill. But it was, and still is. There's just something so very cool about stepping into that blue pool and knowing you're flying faster than any other human ever dreamed of, and ending up standing on another planet. Imagine the fastest loop de loop rocket roller coaster you’ve ever ridden, multiply it by a hundred and even then you can’t come close.
So sure, I try to look nonchalant about it, but it's anything but routine.
The other part of that, of course, is that, as the person carrying the responsibility for the safety of my team, and in reality, of my planet, I can't relax.
Truth is, you just never know what you’re going to find out here. It may look normal, it may look like something you’ve seen, but it’s not. It’s another planet, and as we’ve learned, generally the hard way, that innocent looking tree, pond, or animal is *not* what it appears to be. Nope. Not. You are on another planet, and the old Earthbound rules just don’t apply.
You know, the first couple of missions, I don't think I ever slept at all. Sure, I'd go to my bedroll and try to sleep, pretend to sleep, but I'd lay there, wide eyed, looking up at the sky, or the clouds or the ceiling of some weird building, unable to let my guard down.
I do sleep now, because I've learned to trust my team. Carter's too conscientious to let anything happen on her watch, and Teal'c is way too experienced to let anything happen on his watch, and Daniel, well, I try not to give him a watch after dark because he tends to get, um, distracted. Besides, it's really not his job anyway, so unless one of us is incapacitated, Sam takes first watch, Teal'c takes a double, and I take last watch.
I like last watch.
I know that's weird, but I have my reasons.
First, of course, it's because I manage to get some uninterrupted sleep first. Usually, anyway.
Second, I'm a morning person. I like to be the first one up, I like to get a head start on the others, I like to be right on top of things. You know me, I don't like surprises. So be up first, and no one surprises you. Besides, I get to the coffee pot before Daniel that way, while there’s still some left.
Third, it means I'm the one who's on watch during what is statistically and tactically the most dangerous part of the night, the hours before dawn. They don't call it the graveyard shift for nothing, you know.
Last, it means I get to watch the night fade away into the dawn, see the sun rise and the new day start. New days have a certain symbolism for me. Okay, so I've surprised you, because Jack O'Neill and symbolism in the same sentence is an oxymoron. Surprised you again, didn't I?
Anyway, sunrise is the best part of the day, when the world awakens, and it seems like all things are possible.
It's a fresh start.
I've needed a few of those in my lifetime.
When I need to think, I like the night. I go up to my rooftop and contemplate the stars and the infinite spaces of the universe, and remember that I'm just this one insignificant being. My troubles are only my troubles, my failures only my failures, and the rest of the universe goes on irregardless. In some weird way, it makes my troubles smaller, because I'm reminded I'm just one person on the roof of one small house in one medium sized town in one country on one unimportant planet.
I remind myself that the universe is so vast, and the possibilities are so endless. I remember the alternate worlds that Daniel discovered, and take solace in the knowledge that, out there, somewhere, there's an alternate world where Jack O'Neill is a happy man.
And if he could do it, then maybe there's still hope for me yet.
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If the night means contemplation, the dawn means hope.
The night fades away as the light beats back the darkness, wins the battle, forces the foe to flee. The world awakens. I used to do this up at my granddads cabin in Minnesota, get up early just to go out and sit in the woods to wait for the dawn, to watch and listen, to soak the peace of it into my soul.
I still do that, when I can, watch the sunrise. I need any peace I can find. It's not easy to come by, but I can always find it in the dawn.
Peace, hope, opportunity, new life.
When the light arrives, nothing seems impossible. The enemy can be defeated. The problems can be solved. The war can be won. My demons can be locked back into the dark room where they dwell, and I can face the day.
It's a battle for me, still, most days, living with the darkness inside me, with the memories, with the ugliness of my past, both personal and professional. Anyone who tells you he doesn't regret some of the crap this job forces you to do is either lying, or nuts, or both. I do the former a lot; I try hard not to be the latter. I was there once, in a time when the darkness wouldn't yield to the dawn, when the light had gone out of my life and I believed it would never return, believed I didn't deserve to live in the light, or anywhere else.
It was a hard road, and it still is.
The dawn reminds me that life goes on.
Hope remains, even for me.
That doesn't fade.
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Finish