Confusion

By BadgerGater

Email: [email protected]

Summary: Tag for 2001: Jack and Carter talk after she returns without Ambassador Joe

Season: Season 5

Spoilers: 2001 of course

Rating: G

Pairing: None

Warnings: None

Disclaimer: Don’t own SG-1, okay, so the only one I’d like to own, or at least lease or rent, is Jack. But all the Stargate characters belong to MGM, Showtime (or is it SciFi Channel now?) Gekko, Double Secret, etc. etc. etc. No copyright infringement intended; this story for entertainment purposes only, no money changed hands; Not to be archived without author’s permission.

Author’s Note: Just another bit of insight into the mind of Jack O’Neill

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Epilogue-- Set immediately after the Episode 2001

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"So, Carter, how ya' doin?"

"Fine, Sir."

Fine my ass. She wasn't fine and anyone with half a brain could see it. Which means even me. And as her CO, it was my job to make things fine.

It isn't easy with any teammate, but it's hardest with Carter.

Not that there's anything wrong with her. I like her. Damn good officer. Thinks too much, but sometimes, that's exactly what we need. Tends to be a bit negative on occasion, but since I've gotten to know Jacob better the last couple of years, I've realized that's probably not her fault, just bad genetics.

Biggest problem with Carter, however, is that she's a woman.

Well, okay, the fact that she's a woman isn't a problem per se. I mean, *I* don't have a problem with her being a woman. She does her job and that’s what counts with me. And frankly, it's nice to have someone a little easy on the eyes on those long missions. And I don't mean to insult Teal'c or anything, but Carter is much better looking than he is.

I mean it's awkward having a woman on the team. I was married long enough to know just enough about woman to know how little I know. Yeah, I’m aware of the physical stuff, you don't live intimately with someone and not learn about, well, you know. And giving Carter the privacy she needs can be a problem on some of our missions. I mean, there are times and places where there just isn't any way for us to let her out of our sight. So us guys are pretty damn good at just turning our backs and turning off our ears and pretending we don’t notice. Course, she has to do the same for us sometimes, so, we get by, you know?

Carter does make it easy on us. She never asks for anything special because she's a woman, never pushes or makes requests. Even when sometimes she ought to.

To get back to my point, I did have one didn't I? Oh, yes, back to my point. My point is that it's not the reality of our relationship, which consists solely and entirely of my being the CO and she being the 2IC. The problem is other people's perceptions, rumors, gossip and outright fantasizing. They all think there's more going on.

Okay, yeah sure, I can understand it. Who wouldn't think she's pretty and smart? (I am not as dense as some folks seem to think.) I do have eyes, you know. But Carter is Carter, she's a fellow officer and nothing is going on between us, contrary to the overactive imaginations of the SGC rumor mill.

But that still means I've got to be the perfect CO and follow the rules to the letter just so no one would ever get an inkling of something improper going on. There are times it's damn annoying, okay, granted, it's almost always damned annoying trying to toe that line. (Line toeing is not one of my better skills.) Like today, when Carter came rolling and crashing through the gate and down the ramp. Any other officer, amend that, any male officer, and I'd have been down on one knee helping him up, asking if he was okay, making sure he was okay.

But with Carter, I don't dare, because if I so much as shake her hand in public, people's imaginations take off on some wild tangent and suddenly half the base thinks we're buying china and curtains, you know?

So, especially with ol' annoying Senator Kinsey on hand, I didn't dare even ask if she was okay. All we need is for that SOB to start getting such ideas...

Finally, Kinsey left, thank God, and I could go check on my second. Carter's in the infirmary, looking pale and sore.

"How's the shoulder?" I ask, knowing it's the least of her wounds.

"Just bruised. Janet said the x-rays were negative."

"That's good." I pick up one of the little plastic cups from the tray table, concentrating on twirling it around in my hands. I, uh, usually need to have something to do with my hands, especially when I have to talk to people, if it’s serious talk, you know. I have a problem with serious talk, in case you haven't noticed. "I'm sorry about Joe. He wasn't such a bad guy. Despite the shoes." When she chuckles I raise my eyes just enough to see her face, see the small smile flit across it despite the pain of loss.

Sam's tough. She'll survive. Sad, though. She seemed to really like Joe.

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The Colonel is trying so hard, but he's just not good at talking about things like this. His body language radiates discomfort, but his eyes, as always, give him away. His eyes say I understand and want to help but I know there's nothing I can do.

He's been my commanding officer for five years now. That's a hell of a long time in the U.S. military. I still don't understand the Colonel, but I appreciate him, because I know the caring is genuine. Sometimes, he annoys the hell out of me, sometimes I'd just like to tell him to grow up or shut up or wise up. Sometimes I'd like to tell him that I see through that whole act of his, that 'I don't have a clue' facade that exists right next to his ‘I don’t give a damn’ facade.

And then I look up at him, and I know that he knows that I know... okay, now that sounds like something he'd say. Despite myself, I feel my face twist into a grin.

"What ‘cha grinnin' about Carter?"

"Shoes, Sir," I say, looking up to meet his eyes.

He nods in understanding. "Anything you need?"

Other than to go back and undo the mess we made of this mission, the mess that got a good man killed? A man I was attracted to? There was something about Joe, something special, something, God, what a mess. The sadness must have shown on my face because suddenly, the Colonel's smile disappeared.

"You okay? Do I need to call Doc or something?" he waves a hand toward Janet's office.

"No," I answer too quickly. "I just...."

"Wish we'd never met the damned Aaschen? Wish I'd sent a better note back?" he waved a hand in the air in that 'you know what I mean' gesture I know so well.

"Sir, it wasn't your fault. Your message from the future..."

"Could have been better. Clearer. More complete, perhaps?" he asks.

I shook my head. "We'll never know the how and the why of that message. Maybe you didn't have much time, maybe you didn't have any more information, maybe there was a reason you only wrote what you wrote. You can't second guess your future self, Sir."

"Right," he says, uncertainly. "The past is the past, no, the future is the past..." he shakes his head. "I'm confused, Carter," he sighs.

"We all are, Sir. But at least we stopped the Aaschen."

"So it would seem, Major," with a sigh he tosses the crinkled plastic cup into the wastepaper basket near the head of my bed. "You get some rest, Carter."

"You too, Sir."

We both look at each other, and know neither one of us will.

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