Clearing the Air

Author: Badgergater

Email: [email protected]

Season: 8

Episode: Threads

Pairing: None

Warnings: None

Rating: Anyone

Category: Missing scene/epilogue, drama

Disclaimer: Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Sci-Fi, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, Gekko Productions; all the powers that be, not me; This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement intended. The story is the property of the author and may not be posted elsewhere without the author's consent.

Author’s Pledge: Honest, accurate and complete information about the fic; no games, no charades, no deceptions. And always the real Jack O'Neill.

Author’s Note: Thanks to Cokie for the assist; and always, thanks to all those who feedback. It’s appreciated. Written before the start of S9

=================

He’d spent the past eight years trying not to hurt her.

His only regret was that he hadn’t told her this before, because he could have picked a better time. Almost any time would have been better than this one, when she was still reeling from the death of her father, and from her break-up with Pete Shanahan.

Then again, it was something he could no longer postpone, because waiting would just make it worse.

He’d sent Daniel and Teal’c to town for supplies, so he could be alone with her. This was one conversation that no one else should overhear, not even their best friends. Not only did she need to have privacy, but he did, too, to say what needed to be said, and to give her time to decide how she was going to deal with it, how she was going to face her teammates, and the rest of the world.

Maybe she’d leave, but he hoped she wouldn’t.

She needed what this place had to offer in abundance, which was peace and comfort and quiet and the healing it could provide to a grieving and broken heart.

He knew, because he’d come here to heal his own.

More than once.

He given the guys the grocery list and stood on the porch, waving, watching Daniel and Teal’c drive away. Once they were out of sight, he sighed and went to find her.

/------------\

Carter was sitting in the living room, staring silently out at the pond.

"It’s a beautiful view," Jack said quietly.

She jumped, and turned to look at him. "Yes it is."

"But you weren’t really looking at it."

She dipped her head, then looked up at him. "No, I wasn’t. I was thinking." She paused, knotting her hands in her lap, and laughed self-consciously. "I know, I think too much, you always tell me that."

"Sometimes, when you’ve got a lot to think about, it’s a good thing," he said gently.

"Like now?"

Oh God, that hopeful look was back in her eyes, the one she’d had on her face the day she’d showed up on his deck, before she discovered he and Kerry were-- involved. "Look, Carter, I—Sam--" On the verge of actually talking to her, he panicked. "You want a beer?"

"It’s a little early in the morning for me."

"Ah, yeah. Right." He noticed that she didn’t call him Sir, actually, she hadn’t since they’d been here. Mostly, she’d just avoided calling him anything.

It was painful watching her uncertainty.

Okay, Jack, time to bite the bullet, say what needs to be said, and try to get out with both her and your dignity, and friendship, intact. "Sam--"

The adoring look was back. Damn, he shouldn’t have used her first name, but it *was militarily okay to call a subordinate by a first night. Besides, at the moment, he was speaking as friend, not her commanding officer. He took a deep breath and, thinking of that old song, ‘Break it To Me Gently,’ spoke softly. "I know you’re going through a rough time. Losing your father, it’s hard. I’ve been there, and I know how difficult it is. Even though I wasn’t very close to mine," he admitted.

He saw her take a deep breath.

"He was a good man. I’m going to miss Jacob, too," he went on.

"I know you will, Si…" and she stopped herself.

Ah, habit. He knew it well. Jack forged ahead. "Combined with what happened between you and Pete…"

"I broke it off. It had nothing to do with Dad. Or with anything Pete did."

Nothing to do with Pete, except that he wasn’t me, Jack thought, but didn’t say. "This is obviously a very emotional time for you. That’s why I asked you up here to the cabin." He didn’t add, again, though he could have.

"It was awfully nice of you."

He smiled and bit back the sarcastic retort that had sprung to mind, forcing himself to keep serious because this matter had to be resolved. "This is a really good place to get your head together, to think through what you want to do and where you want to go. But mostly, we need to clear the air, Sam," he said, gently. "Several times now, you’ve started to tell me something--"

"It’s so hard, I know what I want to say but the words just won’t come."

"Because you’re scared."

She nodded.

"Because talking about your feelings is hard. Don’t I know it." He smiled self-deprecatingly. Jack stared out at the pond and the trees. "I know I’ve already said this, but I’m really sorry about Jacob."

"Thank you."

"And I’m sorry about your engagement to Pete."

"You don’t need to be."

"I hope it wasn’t on my account." There, the subject was broached.

She raised her head then, to look at him, and he plunged on before she could say anything, because he needed to say what needed to be said. "Look, I’m not blind. Okay, Janet gave me a few hints. Daniel, too. And Teal’c. Siler once. Even Walter. But," he spread his hands.

"I tried to tell you."

"And every time you did, I stopped you, because I didn’t want to hear it. Look, Sam, I know you think you want me, but believe me, you don’t want a cynical,--"

"I can decide that for myself," there was anger in her reply, which wasn’t all bad, he thought.

"Actually, Sam, it takes two to make a decision like that, the decision to be more than just friends."

"But--"

He said it quickly, before the hurt look on her face caused him to stop. "Look, you are a spectacular person. You’re beautiful. You’re smarter than anybody I know, even Daniel, just don’t tell him I said that. You are a kick-ass soldier," he paused to take a breath, and added the rest slowly, so there’d be no mistake. "But you are not someone I’m in love with in a romantic sort-of way."

He saw the tears brimming in her eyes, threatening to overflow, but she held them back. "Then why did you say you’d be there for me always?"

"Because I will be there always, as a friend. Just like I will be for Teal’c or Daniel, no matter where we go from here on out. I don’t leave anyone behind, Sam. Ever."

The first tear escaped and leaked down her face. "Don’t you love me at least a little?"

"Not in the way you want, Sam. I’ve been in the military my whole adult life. I’ve spent most of my career in Special Ops. Working in the kind of place we work in, doing what we do, that creates bonds between people, bonds that are so much more than friendship, more like family. Some people would call it love," he uttered the word carefully, because it wasn’t one he was comfortable saying. "Love for friends, comrades, teammates, those are feelings that can be mistaken for other things."

"But--"

"You don’t want me, Sam. You’ve never wanted me. You want some ideal version of me that doesn’t exist. One that doesn’t have baggage, that doesn’t have issues, that doesn’t get cranky or angry or, ah, snippy. You want someone perfect, someone who will share his life with you, bare his soul to you, talk to you about-- things, tell you things. Someone who doesn’t build walls or keep secrets. Someone who doesn’t drink too much beer or forget to put the toilet seat down or spend the weekend watching The Simpsons and the NHL. You want someone to share your life with, and you deserve that, but it’s *not* me."

"You don’t know what it is that I want."

"But I *can* tell you what *I* want, Sam. I should have done this a long time ago, but I didn’t because I didn’t want to hurt you. I expected you’d figure it out for yourself. So when you accepted Pete’s ring, I thought that was it, that you’d finally realized the truth, that you’d go on and be happy. With *him*. And I was happy for you, genuinely happy."

Tears were rolling down her cheeks. A part of him, the friend and teammate, the gentle side of Jack O’Neill that ran counterpoint to the dark side of General O’Neill, wanted to reach out and put his arms around her and let her cry on his shoulder, because he hated to see her cry.

But this wasn’t the time and the place for him to be the comforting friend, to keep alive her fantasy image of him.

It was a time for reality.

So he stood, unmoving, and watched her cry, the tears silently rolling down her cheeks.

Finally, after long, long moments, she said, without raising her gaze, "I don’t want to be alone."

"None of us do." He thought of Kerry, and how much he’d enjoyed the simple pleasure of having her in his life, and, yeah, his bed. "Look, Sam, I won’t pretend that there haven’t been times when I’ve… wanted… you. You know, *that* way."

"That can be enough."

"No, it can’t. And you know that, if you let yourself think about it honestly, if you let yourself think about *me* honestly. "

"But--"

"If we really wanted each other that much, don’t you think we’d have done something about it by now? Would we really have let the regulations stand in our way all these years, if pursuing a relationship was that important? The regs were a convenient excuse to do what we both knew, all along, was the right thing."

"But Dad--"

"Your Dad wanted you to be happy, to have what you want. But your life is your own, you can’t spend it doing what your Dad wants you to do. Only you can decide what can make you happy. Remember when he wanted you to take the posting to NASA? When you couldn’t tell him what you did here? And Sam, no one can make you happy. It’s either inside yourself, or it’s not. And most of all, you can’t find it in me." He paused. "Look, I’m the last person to give you advice on relationships, but maybe it’s not too late to patch things up with Pete."

She shook her head no.

"You might be surprised. If he loves you, he’ll understand, all the pressure of saving the world and your dad being sick."

"I don’t know."

"Take some time to think it through."

"What about you?" she asked softly.

"Moi? I’m a big boy. I’ve been taking care of myself for a very long time."

"Don’t you get lonely?"

He looked away, hoping to hide the pain in his eyes. "I have friends."

"Is that enough?"

"It has to be."

"Daniel says you think you don’t deserve to be happy."

He shrugged, and looked out across the water, remembering, and knew that making an admission might help her. "I miss what I lost, but what I had is gone, and nothing can bring them back. Besides, I have the Air Force. Being a general is a full-time job, doesn’t leave much time for anything else." He paused. "Don’t make the same mistakes I did, Sam. Think it over. You’re way too smart to spend your life trying to make me into something and someone I’m not."

She took a deep breath, and nodded.

He stared down at her for a long moment, and then gently reached out and touched her shoulder before wordlessly turning to leave. He closed the cabin door quietly, and went out to the dock, flopping down in his favorite lawn chair and staring silently out at the pond.

A few minutes later he heard the screen door bang shut. Jack remained still but smiled when he heard her words. They sounded a little shaky, a little forced, but he was proud of her for saying them.

"So, Sir, I thought you were going to teach me to fish."

-------------The End as it should have been-------------