***** Three Worst Chinese Torture Tests *****
          
        A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. 
It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could 
forage, and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.
          
        One afternoon, he comes upon an old mansion in the woods.  It has
vines covering most of it, and the man can't see any other buildings in the 
area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney, implying someone
is home.
          
        He knocks on the door, and an old man answers, with a beard almost
down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says, "What do you want?"
          
        The man says, "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't
had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could 
have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight."
          
        The old Chinese man says, "I'll let you come in on one condition:
You cannot mess around with my granddaughter."
          
        The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying, "I promise I
won't cause you any trouble.  I'll be on my way tommorrow morning."
          
        The old Chinese man counters, "Ok, but if I do catch you, then I'll
give you the three worst chinese torture tests ever known to man."
          
        "Ok, Ok!", the man said as he entered the old house.  Besides, he
thought to himself, "What kind of woman would live out in the wilderness 
all her life?"
          
        Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he
saw how beautiful the granddaughter was.  She was an absolute pearl, and 
while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many, many months 
without companionship.  And the girl had only seen the occasional monk 
besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off 
each other throughout the meal.
          
         That night, the man snuck into the girl's bedroom, and they had
quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum.  The man crept 
back to his room later that night thinking to himself, "Any three 
torture tests would be worth it after that experience."
          
        Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his
chest.  He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest.  On 
the rock was a sign saying, "1st Chinese torture test:  100 lb. rock on your 
chest."
          
        "What a lame torture test," the man thought to himself as he got up
and walked over to the window.  He opened the shutter and threw the rock 
out.  On the backside of the rock is another sign saying, "2nd worst 
Chinese torture test:  Rock tied to right testicle."
          
        The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed,
jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign 
saying, "3rd worst Chinese torture test:  Left testicle tied to bedpost."
          
          
          
 ps. OUCH........         
          
          

****************************************************************************
*********************************  SMURF SEX  ******************************
****************************************************************************

It's time to tell the truth about Smurf sex.

You see, Smurfs are a lot like other folks; they have dreams and
ambitions, deep, thoughtful conversations with each other, and
good and bad times.

"But," people ask, "do Smurfs have..... you know,...... *sex*?"
 
The answer is an emphatic and resounding YES!

And why shouldn't they?  They're people, too.

What *most* people don't know is why Smurfs are blue.  Well, the reason
is because Smurfs only have sex once a year.

Face it: if you had sex only once a year, you'd be blue, too.

Once a year, in the Smurf village, flags and banners fly happily
in the breeze, proclaiming that the day of the annual Smuckfest
has arrived.  Birds sing and the Sun comes out to watch, despite
the weather Smurf's direst predictions.

I guess good ol' Mr. Sun is a voyeur.

In the middle of town, Papa Smurf gives a brief speech explaining the
origin of the Smuckfest; how Dr. C. Everett Koop came to the village
and warned all the Smurfs about AIDS.  Papa Smurf knew that no one
made condoms small enough for a Smurf (even though everyone knows that
all male Smurfs are uniformly well-hung, for their size), so he decreed
that all Smurfs would only smuck one day a year. 

"Smucking one day a year will help us identify any diseases we may
transmit to one another, and keep them from spreading to the animals
in the forest," declaimed Papa Smurf.  "Besides, it will give
Smurfette a chance to rest."

Yes!  Smurfette must rest.  For, as everyone knows, Smurfette is the
only female Smurf in the village, and after a full day of having
vigorous, rabid sex with two hundred cunt-crazed little blue men,
she needs a break.

So, on the appointed day, Papa Smurf bids everyone throw their
inhibitions to the wind and immerse themselves in debauchery.

And, as is his privilege, Papa Smurf throws out the first throw.

At his signal, Smurfette unties the skintight blue band she must
use to suppress her natural bustiness, and her astounding tits
spring forth into the daylight.  The Sun gleams lecherously on
the smooth, blue flesh, nipples crinkling in the light of day from
her soon-to-be-unbridled lust.

Then Smurfette shimmies out of her skirt and stands before the crowd,
naked as the day she was born, save the spike-heeled white boots she
has donned just for the occasion.  Her long, blonde hair cascades
down her back and lasciviously outlines her buttocks, clinging like
a dirty old man's gaze to each curve and dimple.

Her cunt winks lewdly from behind the golden shield of pubic glory,
already glistening in mad anticipation of each and every raging
rod it would receive that day.  And receive them gladly it would,
for hers is the indefatigable furburger, and she hungered for the
sauce blended in the heat of passion.

Smurfmette turns to Papa Smurf and lifts her stupendous breasts
with their turgid nipples to his lips.  He takes each one, in
turn, into his mouth, where his tongue dances the Fabulous Fandango
around the areolae, as Smurfette moans like a cat in heat.

Then, when poor Smurfette can take no more, Papa Smurf drops to
his bony little knees and sprinkles his magic de Smurfilating
dust on Smurfette's engorged cunt lips.  Presto!  The lovely
blonde braiding material falls from her, leaving her shaved smooth
as a hard-boiled egg.

"Oh, Papa Smurf!" she cries.  "Encore!!  Encore!!", as she writhes
in anticipation of the Fabulous Furless Fandango danced 'round her
pulsating pussy.

Papa Smurf does not disappoint the damsel in distress;  he slides
his hands under her tight little blue ass and parts her moistness
with his thumbs.  As the hot, funky juices begin to run down his
arms, he plunges tongue-first and tonsil-deep into her wiggling
womanhood.  Smurfette gasps as the talented tongue begins to do
its magic, and her cunt clutches at it like a baby bird after a
worm.

Cradling his head to her crotch, Smurfette's hips begin to slowly
grind and twitch, for Papa Smurf's tongue has unerringly found her
S-spot, and Smurfette begins the slow, hot, agonizing rise to
ecstasy.  "Oh, make me smurf, baby, make me smurf!", she pants,
each stroke of his tongue causing her to throb and clutch.

As Smurfette's moans and cries rise in pitch higher and higher,
the crowd gazes in amazement at the mighty mound of meat struggling
to escape from Papa Smurf's pants.  This, then, is the legendary
Trouser Titan, bulging forth in a determined attempt to split
the barrier.

Just when Smurfette is certain that she will die from sheer
sensory overload, Papa Smurf flings off his Levis and frees
the Magnificent Heat-Seeking Moisture Missle from its cradle.
Maddened with blind lust, Smurfette hurls Papa Smurf to the
platform and leaps shrieking into the air, landing unerringly
on his Titanic Totem.

Suddenly filled, Smurfette's cunt explodes in a monster orgasm,
the force of which propels her screaming into the air again and
again, each time plummeting her onto the Potent Purple Pecker and
triggering another climax.

Before Smurfette can achieve orbit, Papa Smurf grab her legs and
pulls her to the ground.  Swiftly, he stands, pulling her to her
knees.  Gasping in awe, Smurfette gets a head-on view of his
hard-on, glistening in the light like a war staff.

The sight of this shining stud is too much for Smurfette, who
immediately grabs both of Papa smurf's bulging balls in her hands
and pulls him to her waiting mouth.  With preternatural skill and
primeval hunger, Smurfette devours the monster cock, licking and
sucking like a starving child with an ice cream cone.

His ass knotting like a sailor's anchor rope, Papa Smurf pounds
into Smurfette's mouth with furious strokes.  As he reaches his
blazing climax, he forces Smurfette to take all thirteen and 7/8ths
inches of blue tube steak and fires round after pulsing round
of blue goo down her ravenous throat.

"Hurray!!", shouts the crowd.  "Now it's OUR turn!!"

Suddenly the town square erupts with scenes of azure carnality,
as 200 tiny blue asses appear in the sunlight.  200 raging
cocks swarm toward Smurfette's waiting and ever-willing cunt,
ready to make her scream for mercy as they scream for more.  400
bouncing balls follow each other toward the nearest available
orifice, making Smurfette wish there were more of her.

Those lucky enough to find access to Smurfette's fabulous form
begin their crazed humping, as others find their schlongs being
stroked as fast as she can grab.  Those whose time will come later
are coming now, as their friends clutch lustily at their forbidden
fruits, flinging frothy fuck-foam far and wide.

Up the ass!  Down the throat!  Backhand, forehand, underhand, in
the armpit or behind the knee, the Smurfs erupt in a display of
orgasmic prowess to shame the most devoted student of the Kama
Sutra.  Soon the street become hazardous to navigate (and navigate
one must), as the square gets deeper and deeper in the collective
come.

Hour after hour, the orgy rampages on.

Gradually, as night falls, the screams of orgasmic ecstasy turn
to the moans and sighs of deep contentment, with the occasional
whimper from an over-enthusiastic sodomite.  Soon all is quiet,
as Smurf helps Smurf back to Home and Preparation H.  Tubes of
Chap-Stick are quickly distributed to soothe aching lips, and
aloe gel is applied (as are lips, if it is too stimulating) to
the citizen's members to ease the burning.

As the exhausted (and completely sated) Smurf lie in sexual
stupor, gentle rains come (not them, too!) to wash away all traces
of the fleshfest that was.

And you wondered why Smurfs are always happy.....

  
 
DON'T GET ANY IDEAS!!!!


WHAT AM I????
THIS USEFUL TOOL, COMMONLY FOUND IN THE RANGE OF 8 INCHES LONG. THE
FUNCTIONING OF WHICH IS ENJOYED BY MEMBERS OF BOTH SEXES. IS USUALLY
FOUND HUNG, DANGLING LOOSELY, READY FOR INSTANT ACTION. IT BOASTS A
CLUMP OF LITTLE HAIRY THINGS AT ONE END AND A SMALL HOLE AT THE OTHER. 
IN USE, IT IS INSERTED, ALMOST ALWAYS WILLINGLY, SOMETIMES SLOWLY, 
SOMETIMES QUICKLY, INTO A WARM, FLESHY, MOIST OPENING WHERE IT IS THRUST
IN AND DRAWN OUT AGAIN AND AGAIN MANY TIMES IN SUCCESSION, OFTEN QUICKLY
AND ACCOMPANIED BY SQUIRMING BODILY MOVEMENTS. ANYONE FOUND LISTENING IN 
WILL MOST SURELY RECOGNIZE THE RHYTHMIC, PULSING SOUND, RESULTING FROM THE
WELL LUBRICATED MOVEMENTS. WHEN FINALLY WITHDRAWN, IT LEAVES BEHIND A
JUICY, FROTHY, STICKY WHITE SUBSTANCE, SOME OF WHICH WILL NEED CLEANING
FROM THE OUTER SURFACES OF THE OPENING AND SOME OF FROM ITS LONG
GLISTENING SHAFT. AFTER EVERYTHING IS DONE AND THE FLOWING AND 
CLEANSING LIQUIDS HAVE CEASED EMENATING, IT IS RETURNED TO ITS FREELY
HANGING STATE OF REST, READY FOR YET ANOTHER BIT OF ACTION, HOPEFULLY
REACHING ITS BRISTLING CLIMAX TWICE OR THREE TIMES A DAY, BUT OFTEN MUCH
LESS.
                  WHAT AM I???????

AS YOU MAY HAVE ALREADY GUESSED, THE ANSWER TO THE RIDDLE IS NONE OTHER
THAN YOUR VERY OWN..........




.....TOOTHBRUSH.........

         what were you thinking? you PERVERT!
---------------------------------------------------




       ///////
      //    O
     //      >
      / \__ ~
        ||                           /////
      (\ \)   (~)                    //  o
      ( \ \  / /                    //    >
      (  \ \/ /         ____________/ \__O
      (   \__/         /  ___ ______\//
      /   | /@        (  /  / ______)/
     (    |//          \ \ / /   (_)
      \   ()            \ \O/
       \  |              ) )
        ) )             / /
       (  |_           / /_
       (____>         (____>
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 ~~~~~~

> -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -
> >          (__)             (__)             (__)             (__)
> >          (oo)             (oo)             (oo)             (oo)
> >   /-------\/-*     /-------\/       /-------\/   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >  / |     || \     )*)(\/* /  *     / |     ||
> > *  ||----||  *   \ |||/)|/()(    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > \/|(/)(/\/(,,/   \)|(/\/|)(/\
> >   Cow munching   Grass munching   Cow in water       Cow in trouble
> >     on grass         on cow
> >
> >           (__)             (__)    *        (__) *      (__)
> >           (oo)             (oo)     \       (oo) |      (oo)
> >   /--------\/      /-oooooo-\/       \-------\/  \-------\/
> >  * o|     ||      * ooooooooo     o  o|     ||   /     ||
> >     ||----||     ooooooooooooo        ||----||>==/-----||
> >  ooo^^    ^^    ooooooooooooooooo     ^^    ^^         ^^
> >   Cow taking      Cow in deep         Cow getting the shit
> >     a shit            shit             kicked out of her
> >
> >          (__)
> >          (oo)                       U
> >   /-------\/                    /---V
> >  / |     ||                    * |--|                       .
> > *  ||----||
> >    ^^    ^^
> > Cow at 1 meter.         Cow at 100 meters.        Cow at 10,000 meters.
> >
> >          (__)                     )__(                vv    vv
> >          (oo)                     (oo)                ||----||  *
> >   /-------\/               *-------\/                 ||     | /
> >  / |     ||               / |     ||                 /\-------/
> > *  ||----||              /  ||----||                (oo)
> >    ^^    ^^                 vv    vv                (~~)
> >
> > American Cow              Polish Cow            Australian Cow
> >
> >          (__)                     (__)                     (__)
> >          (oo)                ____ (oo)                _---_(oo)
> >   /-------\/               /-    --\/               /-     -\/
> >  / |     ||               / |     ||               /|      ||
> > *  ||----||              *  ||___-||              *  ||___-||
> >    ^^    ^^                 ^^    ^^                 ^^    ^^
> >
> > Freshman Cow at          Freshman Cow             Freshman Cow
> > start of school     After the "Freshman 15"    After the "Freshman 20"
> >
> >          (__)                     (__)                     (__)
> >          (OO)                     (@@)                     (xx)
> >   /-------\/               /-------\/               /-------\/
> >  / |     ||               / |     ||               / |     ||
> > *  ||----||              *  ||----||              *  ||----||
> >    ^^    ^^                 ^^    ^^                 ^^    ^^
> >
> > Cow who drank Jolt       Cow who ate              Cow who used Jolt to wash
> >                       psychadelic mushrooms      down psychadelic mushrooms
> >
> >                                          /\                  __
> >                                         /  \                 ||
> >              (__)                 (__)  \  /               (_||_)
> >              SooS                 (oo)   \/                 (oo)
> >       /------S\/S          /-------\/    /S          /-------\/
> >      / |     ||           / |     ||    /  S        / |     ||
> >     *  ||----||          *  ||----||___/    S      *  ||----||
> >        ^^    ^^             ^^    ^^                  ^^    ^^
> >     This cow belonged     Ben Franklin owned       Abe Lincoln's
> >   To George Washington       this cow                   cow
> >
> >                                                  (__)
> >          *        (__)                           (oo)
> >           \       (oo)                     /------\/
> >            \-------\/                     /|  |/  |
> >             | ==$ ||                     / |  [) ||
> >             ||----||                    *  ||----||
> >             ^^    ^^                       ^^    ^^
> >      Old "One Arm" belonged           This cow was given to
> >        to Ceasar's Palace           Hugh Hefner for his Birthday
> >
> >                   (___)               (__)      (__)
> >                   ( O )               (oo)      (oo)
> >            /-------\ /                 \/--------\/
> >           / |     ||V                   |        |
> >          *  ||----||                    ||------||
> >             ^^    ^^                    ^^      ^^
> >   The cyclops that Jason and         This cow lived with
> > the Argonauts met had this cow          Dr. Doolittle
> >
> >              (__)                   (__)
> >              [##]                   (@o)
> >       /-------\/             /-------\/              /-------  (__)
> >      / |     ||             / |     ||              / |     || (oo)
> >     *  ||----||            *  ||----||             *  ||----|---\/
> >        ^^    ^^               ^^    ^^                ^^    ^
> >  This cow belonged      This cow lived with      This cow belonged to
> >   to Flash GOrdon       the Little Rascals       the Headless Horseman
> >
> >                     (____)
> (____)                         (____)
> 
> >                     (oo  )               (o  o)                         ( O O)
> 
> >          /-----------\  /          /-----\    /----          /-----------\  /
> >         / ||       |  \/          / |   |  \/   |           / ||       |  \/
> >        /  ||       ||||           \ |  |      | | |        /  ||       ||||
> >       *   ||||-----||||            *| | |-----| | |       *   ||||-----||||
> >           /\/\     /\/\             /\ /\     /\ /\           ^^^^     ^^^^
> >      This cow belonged         This was Salvatore      No one was sure whether
> 
> >       to Pablo Picasso        Dali's favorite cow    M.C. Escher's cow had fou
> r
> >                                                            legs or eight
> >
> >                O__O                             \_|_/
> >                (oo)                             (oo)
> >         /-------\/                       /-------\/
> >        / |     ||                       / |     ||
> >       *  ||----||                      *  ||----||
> >          ^^    ^^                         ^^    ^^
> >     Cow at Disneyland         Cow visiting the Statue of Liberty
> >
> >                         (__)                        (__)
> >                 ^^      (oo)                        (--)
> >             ^^^^ /-------\/                        /-\/-\
> >          ^^^^^  / |     ||                        /|    |\
> >        ^^^^^   *  ||----||                       ^ |    | ^
> >     ^^^^^^^^  ====^^====^^====                     |    |
> > ^^^^^^^^^^^^^/                                     /----\
> > ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^                                /    \ \
> > ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^               ^      * ^
> >      Cow Hanging Ten at Malibu           Cow sunning at Fort Lauderdale
> >                                              (What a bod, huh guys?)
> >
> >                )\               (__)
> >               /  \              (oo)
> >         ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >            Cow swimming at Amityville
> > (Where Jaws was filmed, for those less educated)
> >
> >         *                                                 (__)
> >          \                                                (DD)
> >           \                                        /-------\/
> >           |\                                      / |     ||_\_/
> >         \ | \ (__)                               *  ||----|
> >         \\|| \(oo)                                  ^^    ^
> >          \||\ \\/                         Cow chugging brews and staring at
> >           ^^ \||                            sunbathers at Fort Lauderdale
> >            \\ ||
> >             \\||
> >              \||
> >               ^^                                 / / / / / / / / / / /
> >                \\_                              / / / / / / / / / / / /
> >                 \_                              / / / / / _______   / /
> >  Cow skiing a Black Diamond at Aspen            / / /    /   |   \  / /
> >                                                 / / /    (__)|      / /
> >                                                 / / /    (oo)|      / /
> >    ( @@@ )                                        /-------\/ |
> >     ( @@ )            (------------)             / |     ||^_|
> >        @@  (__)       (  *>COUGH<* )            *  ||----|
> >         @@ (oo) . . . (  *>COUGH<* )               ^^    ^
> >      /--UU--\/        (____________)
> >     / |    ||                              Cow sheltering from English Weather
> 
> >    *  ||---||
> >
> >    (New) Jersey Cow
> >                        O O                 O O
> >                         \ \               / /
> >                          \ \          (__) /
> >           (__)            \ \         (xx)/
> >           (DD)             \ +--------+\//
> >    /-------\/               \|        | /
> >   / |     ||                 +--------+
> >  *  ||----||
> >     ^^    ^^
> > Cow fantasizing about "Riding the Mechanical Bull"
> >             at Gillies in Texas
> >
> >          o  o
> >          |__|               (__)             (__)
> >          (oo)               (oo)            =(oo)=         oo
> >   /-------\/         /-------vv       /-------\/
> >  / |     ||         / |     ||       / |     ||
> > *  ||----||        *  ||----||      *  ||----||
> >    ~~    ~~           ~~    ~~         ~~    ~~
> > bill bixby          bela lugosi      boris karloff  claude rains
> > Male relative cow   cow              cow            cow
> >
> >                        x
> >                    xxxx|xxxx
> >                 xxxxxxx|xxxxxxx
> >                        |
> >                       //
> >                 (__) //                        (__)   (__)
> >                 (oo)//                         (oo)===(oo)
> >          /-------\//                    /-------\/     \/-------\
> >         / |     |//                    / |     ||       ||     | \
> >        *  ||----|                     *  ||----||       ||----||  *
> >           ^^    ^^                       ^^    ^^       ^^    ^^
> >      Julie Andrews Cow                         Siamese cows
> >
> >                             o        o             (__)    ^
> >                              \      /              (oo)   /
> >                               \    /           _____\/___/
> >              (__)              \__/           /  /\ / /
> >              (oo)       _______(oo)          ^  /  * /
> >     /---------\/       /|  ___  \/             / ___/
> >    / | x=a(b)||       / | {   }||         *----/\
> >   *  ||------||      *  ||{___}||             /  \
> >      ^^      ^^         ||-----||            /   /
> >                         ^^     ^^           ^    ^
> >
> >     Mathematical        Television      This cow does Disco
> >         Cow                 Cow        (That's what comes of
> >    (developer of        (Cow-thode      snorting cow-caine)
> >      cow-culus)          Ray Tube)
> >
> >             o
> >             | [---]
> >             |   |
> >             |   |                              |------========|
> >        /----|---|\                             | **** |=======|
> >       /___/___\___\                         o  | **** |=======|
> >       |            |                     ___|  |==============|
> >       |           |                ___  {(__)} |==============|
> >       \-----------/             [](   )={(oo)} |==============|
> >        \  \   /  /             /---===--{ \/ } |
> >     -----------------         / | NASA  |====  |
> >     |               |        *  ||------||-----^
> >     -----------------           ||      |      |
> >       /    /  \   \             ^^      ^      |
> >      /     ----    \
> >       ^^         ^^           This cow jumped over the Moon
> >
> >                 (__)
> >                ([][])            "I have this recurring dream
> >                __\/_--U              about golden arches."..  (__)
> >               /\    \__                                 ^  :..("")
> >              /\\\  /  /                         //\  ____\_____\/ //
> >             /----^/__/\ /\                     // \\/     \___ / //
> >                 \\\____/--\--                 // /-/__________/ //
> >                  /======   \/            =======/==============//
> >               *_/ /    \   /^              //  /              \\
> >                  /      \ ^               //                   \\
> >
> >                      Psycowlogist and patient
> >
> >                                                (___)
> >           \^^^^^^^^\   (__)                    (o o)
> >            \^^^^^^^^\\ (oo)                     \ /
> >         *-----\_______\/\/                    \--O--/
> >       ^_______/   ---  \______^              // -----\
> >      ^--------\   \S/  /\_____^              \\/_^{} /==V===[]
> >                \______/                        \_____\\//
> >                                                 \__/
> >    It's a bird...                               //\\         The Boss
> >     It's a plane...                             //  \\   (Bruce Holstien)
> >                                                 //   //
> >                                                 ^^    ^^
> >                                           ==================
> >  _____________________________            H                H
> >  |             |-------------|            H     (__)       H
> >  |             |   ________  |            H     (oo)       H       __
> >  |   COWNTY    |  | (|__|) | |            H    / \/ \      H     /    \
> >  |    JAIL     |  |  |oo|  | |            H   | |  | |     H    | STOP |
> >  |             |  |__|\/|__| |            H   D===b=-----  H     \ __ /
> >  |             | o           |            H^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^H       ||
> >  |             | ^           |            H                H       ||
> >  |             | ]           |            H                H       ||
> >  |             |             |            H                H       ||
> >  |_____________|_____________|            H                H       ||
> >                                           ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^     ^^^^^^^
> >  Some cows get in trouble...                 Cattle Guard
> >
> >      (  (    )
> >    ( (     )   )
> >    ( (         )
> >   (           / )
> >  ( ( \\       )
> >      ( |  // )
> >        |   |    (__)
> >        |   |    (oo)                   (__)
> >        |   | ----\/              ______(oo)_____
> >        |   |    ||              ( _)_______(__) )
> >     ``'---------^^
> >         cow Hide                     Cow Pie
> >
> >                    \  |  /         ___________
> >     ____________  \ \_# /         |  ___      |       _________
> >    |            |  \  #/          | |   |     |      | = = = = |
> >    | |   |   |  |   \\#           | |`v'|     |      |         |
> >    |            |    \#  //       |  --- ___  |      | |  || | |
> >    | |   |   |  |     #_//        |     |   | |      |         |
> >    |            |  \\ #_/_______  |     |   | |      | |  || | |
> >    | |   |   |  |   \\# /_____/ \ |      ---  |      |         |
> >    |            |    \# |+ ++|  | |  |^^^^^^| |      | |  || | |
> >    |            |    \# |+ ++|  | |  |^^^^^^| |      | |  || | |
> > ^^^|    (^^^^^) |^^^^^#^| H  |_ |^|  | |||| | |^^^^^^|         |
> >    |    ( ||| ) |     # ^^^^^^    |  | |||| | |      | ||||||| |
> >    ^^^^^^^^^^^^^________/  /_____ |  | |||| | |      | ||||||| |
> >         `v'-                      ^^^^^^^^^^^^^      | ||||||| |
> >          || |`.      (__)    (__)                          ( )
> >                      (oo)    (oo)                       /---V
> >               /-------\/      \/ --------\             * |  |
> >              / |     ||        ||_______| \
> >             *  ||W---||        ||      ||  *
> >                ^^    ^^        ^^      ^^
> >                         "Cow Town"
> >               \ (__)                       (__)
> >               \\(oo)                       (\/)
> >          /-----\\\/                 /-------\/
> >         / |    (##)                / |     ||
> >        *  ||----||"               *  ||----||
> >           ^^    ^^                   ~~    ~~
> >     This cow plays bagpipes.      Cow from Beijing
> >
> >          (__)                     (__)                     (__)
> >          (\/)                     ($$)                     (**)
> >   /-------\/               /-------\/               /-------\/
> >  / | 666 ||               / |=====||               / |     ||
> > *  ||----||              *  ||----||              *  ||----||
> >    ^^    ^^                 ^^    ^^                 ^^    ^^
> >
> > Satanic cow           This cow is a Yuppie         Cow in love
> >
> >          (__)                                              (__)
> >          (oo)                                              (oo)
> >   /-'''''-\/                            /-------------------\/
> >  / |'''''||                            / |                 ||
> > *  ||''''||                           *  ||----------------||
> >    ^^    ^^                              ^^                ^^
> >  Cow in Argyle                                Stretch Cow
> >                         *
> >                       **   **
> >                  * **  * * *  **
> >                 *   /  /   \ *  *
> >              \  \ /  \        / /                         (__)
> >           *  /  / \  \  (__)  \ \                /--------(00)
> >             /           (00)  / /               / |      |(  )
> >             \    /-------\/   \ \              *  ||---- ||()
> >             /   / |     ||    / /                 ||     ||
> >           \ \  *  ||----||    \ \                 ^^     ^^
> >          /  /     ^^    ^^    / /            Cow Chewing Marbles
> >                  Cow in Heat
> >
> >          (__)                 \__\                 (__)
> >          (oo)             o   (oo)                 (oo)
> >   /-------\/           ____\___\/          *+-------\/
> >  / |     ||           / |     ||           ||______||
> > *  ||----||          *  ||----||             ||----||
> >    OO    OO             OO    OO             OO    OO
> > Detroit cow          Mustang cow            pickup cow
> >
> >                  (__)              (__)              \_||_~
> >                  (oo)              (oo)              (*||*)
> >   /---------------\/           /----\/        /-------\||/
> >  / |             ||           /    ||        / |     ||
> > *  ||------------||        *-||----||       *  ||----||
> >    OO            OO          OO    OO          OO    }{
> >       li-moo-cow          fastback cow      teenager's cow
> >
> >          ____
> >         (____)
> >                                .xxxx.
> >          (__)                  '(oo)`
> >          (oo)            /-----'-\/ `
> >   /-------\/            / |    |============>
> >  / |     ||            *  ||----| (~)
> > *  ||----||               ~~    ~
> >    ~~    ~~             Moo-ammar Cowdafi
> >    holy cow            armed and dangerous
> >
> >          (___)             (___)
> >          (o o)             (o o)
> >   /-------\ /       /-------\ /
> >  / |     ||O       / |  O~ ||O
> > *  ||,---||       *  ||,---||
> >    ^^    ^^          ^^    ^^
> >     A Bull       A-bomb-in-a-bull     No-bull
> >
> >            (---)
> >            (   )
> >           /-----\                          (___)
> >           |     |                          (o o)
> >           |  |  |                   (-----) \ /
> >           |  |  |                  /  / \    O
> >           |  *  |                 *  | O |
> >           ^^   ^^                    -----
> >           Coward                  Phone Bull
> >                   __________________________
> >          }__{    / Send YOUR cow pictures to \
> >          (00)   ( ewtileni@pucc.Princeton.EDU )
> >   :****** \/ ==='\___________________________/'
> >  : #     ##
> >    ##****##
> >    ""    ""
> >  |    |                              |    |           *
> >  |    |            (__)              |    |            \       (__)
> >  |    |            (oo)              |    |             \      (oo)
> >  |    |     /-------\/               |    |          -----------\/--
> >  |    |    / |     ||                |    |          ----|      |---
> >  |    |   *  ||----||                |    |              --------
> >  |    \______^^____^^___             |    \_________________
> >  |     _________________             |     _________________
> >  |    /                              |    /
> >  |    |                              |    |
> >  |    |                              |    |
> >  |    |                              |    |
> >  |    |                              |    |
> >  |    |                              |    |
> >  |    |                              |    |
> >  |    |                              |    |
> > /      \                            /      \
> >
> > Cow perched on a tree.              Cow attempting to fly off tree.
> >
> >  |    |
> >  |    |
> >  |    |
> >  |    |
> >  |    |
> >  |    \_________________
> >  |     _________________
> >  |    /
> >  |    |
> >  |    |
> >  |    |
> >  |    |
> >  |    |
> >  |    |                                (__)
> >  |    |                      *---------(..)
> > /      \                        ^^----^^\/
> >
> > Cow that has failed miserably in the attempt.
> >
> >   .            /\         .       .        :                (__)
> >         .     /  \      .          .       :                (xx)
> >              /    \   .        .    *      :         __------\/
> >             /      \              *        :        * ||____||
> >             | (__) |   .    .   **         :         / |    |\
> >      .     /| (oo) |\           **         :
> >           / | /\/\ | \   .     . *         :         Hamburger
> >       .  /  |=|==|=|  \     .      *       :
> >      . /    | |  | |    \  .               :
> >       / USA | ^||^ |NASA \     .           :       *        (__)
> >      |______|  ^^  |______|       .        :        \       (oo)
> >     .       (__||__)     .   .             :         \-------\/
> >        .    /_\  /_\  .     .    .         :        8-|     ||
> >             !!!  !!!                       :          ||----||
> >                                            :          ^^    ^^
> >   The cow that jumped over the moon.       :         Flying Cow
> >
> >                           ...---...
> >                        ../  / | \  \..
> >                      ./ /  /  |  \  \ \.
> >                     /  /   /  |  \   \  \
> >                    /  /   /   |   \   \  \
> >                    ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
> >                    \          |          /
> >                     \         |         /
> >                      \        |        /
> >                       \       |       /
> >                        \      |      /
> >                         \     |     /
> >                          \    |    /
> >                           \   |   /
> >                            \  |  /
> >                             \ | /(__)
> >                              \|/ (oo)
> >                           /---++--\/
> >                          / |  || ||
> >                         *  ||-++-||
> >                            ^^    ^^
> >                Cow surviving attack by Red Baron
> >
> >               ..---..                             (__)
> >              /       \                            (oo)
> >              |  RIP  |                     /-------\/
> >              |       |                    / |     ||
> >              |       |                   *  ||----||
> >              |       |                      ^^    ^^
> > \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\/////////////////
> >
> >             Elvis's Cow...      ...Or is it alive and living in tax exile???
> >
> >                      (__)
> >                      (oo)
> >         /---+      +--\/
> >        / |  |      | ||
> >       *  ||-+      +-||
> >          ^^          ^^                             *
> >
> >    David Copperfield's Cow               David Copperfield's other Cow
> >
> >                                     (__)
> >                                     (oo)
> >                              /-------\/
> >                             / |     ||
> >                            *  ||----||
> >                               ^^    ^^
> >                              (__)  (__)
> >                              (oo)  (oo)
> >                       /-------\/    \/-------\
> >                      / |     || -^^- ||     | \
> >                     *  ||----   -^^-       ||  *
> >                        ^^                  ^^
> >                       (__)                (__)
> >                       (oo)                (oo)
> >                /-------\/                  \/-------\
> >               / |     ||                    ||     | \
> >              *  ||----||                    ||----||  *
> >                 ^^    ^^                    ^^    ^^
> >                  Barnum's Troupe of performing cows
> >
> >                     (__)                       _--------_
> >                     (oo)                      |__________|   BIG
> >              /-------\/                        XXXXXXXXXX    MAC
> >             / | 007 ||                         __________
> >            *  ||----||                        |_        _|
> >               ^^    ^^                          --------
> >        Cow licenced to kill      Enemy Cow after having met previous cow
> >
> >                                                      (__)
> >                                                      (oo)
> >                                                     /'^^^-m
> >             (__)                                   / '' ` )
> >             (oo)    o     /| /|/|_                |      /|
> >            / \/    /    /      _ /                |  |  | |
> >           /  _\===^   ___\_____/___               |_____|_|
> >       ___|__/ |/\    (___________(_)               //|| ||
> >      *        ^ ^                                 *  ww ww
> >
> >             Mrs. O'Leary's Cow                 Cow'nt Dracula
> >
> >  ____             ____                                |+++++|
> > |++++|    ___    |++++|                       ____    |+++++|
> > |++++|   |++ ______________________          |++++|   |+++++|
> > |++++|   |++/      /( )\           \         |++++|   |+++++|   __
> > |    |   |+|      |-oo- |           \______  |++++|   |+++++|  |++|
> > -----(__)--|       \__\/           _(__)_  \ ---------------------------------
> -
> >  o   ( oo /_______________________| (oo)  \ |         __
> >  |  _/\_| |  M O O - B U S T E R S|__\/\ /| |        /oo| - Bleaurgh!
> >  |-|  \\____                         ------  )_    /|  /\
> >   -|_  \_|-_|^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ 0     _|  *  \/  *
> >      \  |  __________________________________/
> >      |  W|  \ \_/ /----------------- \ \_/ /
> >      / /\ \  \___/                    \___/
> >     / /  \ \
> >     ^^^   ^^^                                      Who you gonna call...?
> >
> >         (__)                   (__)                    (__)       (----------)
> 
> >         (00)                   (-o)                    (--) . . . ( *>YAWN<* )
> 
> >   /------\/              /------\/               /------\/        (----------)
> 
> >  /|     ||              /|     ||               /|     ||
> > * ||----||             * ||----||              * ||----||
> >
> > Cow w/ Glasses    Flirtatious cow (winking)   Cow after pulling an all-nighter
> 
> >
> > *        (__)              (__)               (__)               (__)
> >  \       (oo)              (oo)               (oo)               (oo)
> >   \-------\/        /-------\/         /-------\/         /-------\/
> >   /|      |\       / /      \         / \      /         / \      \
> >  //||----||\\     * //------\\       *   \\--//         *   \\----\\
> >  ^ ^^    ^^ ^       ^        ^            ^  ^               ^     ^
> > Cow walking         Cow jogging         Same cow        Cow breaking
> >
> >           (__)
> >           (oo)                       (__) o       *     (__)
> >            \/                        (oo)/ "      |     (oo)
> >        ____| \____            /-------\/(__ o=o=o=|------\/
> >        ---/   --**           / |       /          |      |
> >     *____/    |___-- 
"I belive that the body is a temple,
 which is why i always take my shoes off
 before entering one."


Make your screen as big as possible by clicking on the top right corner 
> (^ button) and have a look at the pictures below!
> 
> 
> 
> >  
> >                  .,-:-,,.
> >                  .AMMMHMMHHMII,
> >                .AMMHHMMMHHMMHMMMHHA.
> >              .AMHHMMMMHIMMMMMMHMHHHHHL
> >             .AHHIHHMMHIMMMMMMMHMHHHMHLH;
> >            ,LHHIIHHHHIHMHMMMMMHMHHHLHHAIA
> >           :IHHIHHMMH:IHMHMMMMMMHMHIHLIHHIA
> >          .:IHHII:":'..:.:IHMHMMHHHHIHHLIHH.
> >         ,I:AVI::.'. .'.'.::IAHMHMHHIALVAIHA
> >        ,A:AVI::.'. .   . '.:IAVMMHAVLVAIVHHA
> >       .II:AHI:.'. .      . ':IAVHMHMAHVHIHHH;
> >      ,A:H:HI::.  .      . .'.:IAIHHAMAIAHIHHLA
> >     .AIH:AHI:'.            .'.:IIAHHMMAHHIHHIH,
> >    .AHI:AHI:.:..            .'.VIIHMHMMAIHIHIIA
> >    :HHI:AH :',,'   .    .,:AHVVL:IIHIHMMHHHIHIM;
> >    ;AII:HIPPT:TPHA. .  .::"'. . .VIHHMHMAHIHI:HM
> >   :IAIV:HI::.,,,,:'. .  .,:III::.:VIHHHMMHHHIIHB
> >   AIHI:HII:I:VCLTV;:.  ..VK CVTPA::IHMHHMHHIHIHV
> >  .LHH::HIHI:IA.TL/::.  ..'VPTTI:'':IIHHHIHMIIHH'
> >  ;IHHIHIHHI:. ' '..:.  ..  .'. ' .':HIHMHHMMHIH
> >  IHMHIHIHHI:.   . .:'  . .. . " .: :HHIHHMMMHIH
> >  IHHMIHIHHI:.   ..:'.  .. ':. .  ..:HIHMMMMMHV'
> >  HHMHIHIHHI::. ..::L..:-;. ':.. . .:IHMMHMMHIP
> >  HHMHIIHIHHI:.:. .. :"'.   .':.. ..:IHMMMHMHV
> >  HIHMMHHHIHI::. ..,.,, ,,,,,.,:.. .:IHMMHMMM"
> >  IIHHIMHMHIHI::. 'LP:"""""""P/. . .:IHMMMHMV
> >  :IIHHMMHMHHII:.. V:-,,,,-"'. .  ..:IMHMMMM'
> >   'IHHMMHHMHHHA:.''::;;;::/' . . .::IMHMMMM
> >   :IHMMMHHHMHMHA:...'"""'     . ..::":VHHMH:
> >   :IHHMMHMHHMMMHA:.. .      . ..::'.'.':VHV
> >   :IHIHMHHIHMMHMMMA.. . . ...:::'.'.  .. T,
> >   :IIHMMHIHIHMMMMMMAAL::.::.::':. .   .    ,:.
> >   :HIHHMHHIHHMHMMMMMHMHHIHI::.:.. : .   .   AHAA.
> >  .AHIHMMMHMHMHMMHMMMMHMHII::.:.. . .  .  ..:HMHH:
> >  AHV":HHMHHMHMMMHMMMMMHHI::.:.. ..      . .A0AVA/"-..
> >  :I"'VHHMMMHHMMMHMMMMHMHI::... :. .   . ..A00LV/.:.:.:''--...,.
> >  '  .AHIHHMHHMHMMMMMMMHMHI:.... :.    . .AAVAV/.:. . .:  .    .''''-.
> >    ,:HIIHHMMHMMMMHMMMMHMHI: .:.:: .  . .:AV00/.:   .: . .  . ..   .. ',,
> >   ,;P":IHIHHMMHMMMMMMMMHMI:.  .:.. . ..AVA0V/'   .. .:.. .. .       . HA.
> >  ,AH::AHIHHHMHMMMMMMMMMMHMA:. .::. ..:.0AV0/. '...::.::.. .  .        HHA
> >    ' :IIHIHHMHMMMMMMMMMHMHH:..:I:.:..A0AV0/:.'..::.:..::.. .       .  HHH
> >    .::IHHIHMMHMMMMMMMMHMMHII.:.::' .:A00AV/...: .:.:..:. . .  .   . . .HHH
> >   ,IHIHHIHMHMMMMMMMHMMHMV:.:I::'. .:A00VV/:.: .:. ..:.. .  .  ..  . . HHH
> >  .:IHHIHHHMHMMMMMMMMMHMV::....:. .:/A0AV/. .:.:.. .. .   . .  . .. . IHHH
> >   :IHHHMHMMMHMMMMMMHMHHI::...:...:/A0AV/..: :. :.  ..   .    .  .. . AHHH
> >  AIHMHHMMHMMMMMMMMHMHHII:.. .:. ./0A0V/:..:... .   .    .   .  .. .. HHHH
> >  HIHIHHMMHHMHMMHMHHHIHI::.. . ./A0/A//...:.. .   .    .      . .. .  HHHH
> >  HHV"AHHHMHMHHHHI0IHIIII::..../A//AV/ ..:.:..   .      .    . .. . ..::VH
> >  V".:HHHMMHMMHHIH0IHHIII:::../V/AVV/.'...:. . .   .       .  . ..::.::III
> >   .:HHHHMMHMHHMH00IIII:I:::.//AHV0/: ..:.. . .  .   .       . .. .::::III
> >  .:HHIHHMHMMMHHI00IHII:::..00//A0/.. .::.. .  . .     .    . .. .::::IIIH
> >  HIHIIHHMMHMMMHHI00III:::.00//A0//..:..:..  . ..  .  .     .. ..I:::IIIHH
> >  IHHIIHHMHMMHHIHI:000::.00/A:A0//. ...:.. ..  .  .          . .:IAI::IIIH
> >  HHIHHHVVHMMHHIHI:::0000://.A0//. .. .... . ..  .          . ..:IIAI::IIH
> >  VHHHV".:HMHHIHHI::.:..A/A:AV0/:. . ... ...   . .   .     . ..:.:IIHAHIIII
> >   VHV   VHHAIVHI:.'...A/A:A/0V/... . .. .  .    .       . ..:.::IIHMHAIIH
> >         'VHIHA"."::::V:.:A/A0/.. .. .  .   .  .         .. .:..::IHMMHIII
> >         :V:I:I:.:.:. ..:A:I00:.:.. . .  . ....          . ..:.:::IHHHHHII
> >         O:I:I::. .. . /A/:I00::. .. .  ..:::::.        . ..:.::::IHMHHVII
> >        O.I:.. .  . .:A/.:.I0:::.. .    ..:II::..       .. .:.::::IHMHHIII
> >       O :I:. .  .  /A:...I00::.. .. . . ..::.:.       . ...:.::::IHMHVIII
> >       O.::.      .AV". ..I0I::.:.. .. .  .:.:.        . .:..:::::IMHHIIII
> >      ,::.:.  ..AHV"  ...I0II:I:.:.. .. .. .  .  .    . ..:..:.:::IMMVIIII
> >     B:I:..:.AHV"     . :I0II:I::.:... ... .. ..  . . ....::.:.:::IMMHIIII
> >     "VHHHHV:" .     . :/.00:I::.:... .:.. ... .. .. ..:::. .::.::AHMVIIII
> >       V:. .V.    . . :/:H00:II::.::.:. :.... ..:...::I::. ...::::MHMIIIII
> >       ':.. .V.. . .:/:.A:00:III::::::.::..:.:.:I.::::.. . .. .:::MMHIIIII
> >        ':....V:,,,;/..:V:00::IIII:II::II:I:I:II:::::.    .. ..:::MHHAIIII
> >         '::.:..".". ..V:.00.:II:::II::IIII:II:::.:..    .  ...:::MMHMIIII
> >          ':I:.:.:....V:..00:::II:::::I::::::..:..    .'.    ..:::MMHVIIII
> >           ':III::.:.V/::00:::.:I::I:::::.:.:.. .. .. ..    ...:::MMHIIIII
> >            00"VII:::V:I:00::..:I:::II::..:... .. ... .     ..:::AMMMIIIHH
> >            "0 0'VI:V:II:00.:..:.:II:::I:..:... ... .      . ..::MHVIIIHHH
> >             00'000V::II:00:.. .::.:II::.:.. .. .. .    . .:..::AMMIIIIHHH
> >              0   II:.:::00.:.. ...:.:II:.:.. ... . . .  ...:.::HMMIIIIHHH
> >              00  A:::.:00:... . ...:.:I.::.:... . . .  . ..:::AMHMIIIIHHH
> >              00 AM::.::00::... . ...:.:.:.:.:..:.. . .. ...::IMMMMIIIIHHH
> >               0 HHM.:.:00::.. . . .:.:.:.:.:..:... .. .  ..:AMHMMMIHIIHHI
> >               00MM..:.:00.:... . ...:...:..:.:..:.. .. . ..:HHHMHMIHIIHHI
> >              AM00V..:.:00:.:... . . ..:..:..:.::..:.. .. ..:HHHMMMIHIIHHH
> >             AMM00.:.:::00::.:.:.. . .:..:....::..:.::..:.:.IHHMMHVIHHIHHH
> >            AMMMM0.::.:00::..:..:.. ...:..:..:..:..:.::.::.:IHHMMHAIHHIHHH
> >           AMMMM"00::::00:::..:... .. ...:..:..:..:.:.:::.::IHMMMHIHHHIHHH
> >           MMMV..:00::00:::.::.::.... .:...:...:.:..::.::::IIHMMMHIHHHIHHH
> >          AMM"... .:000::::.:::..:..:. ..:. .:..:..:.::::.:::HHMMMIHHIIHHH
> >         AMM" . .. .:::::.:::.::...:.:... .. . ..::.::.:::::IIVMMVIHHIIHHH
> >         MM" .  . .:.:.::I:.:.:.:::..::.:.. .. ..::..::.::I:IIIVMIIHHIIHHH
> >        AM" .. . . .::.:.::I:.::.:.:::..:. . . . ..:..::.:I:IIIIVIHHHIIHHH
> >       AM" . ... . ..:::.::..::.:::..:..:.. .  .. .:.:.:I:IIIHIIVIHHHIIHHH
> >      AMV .. .. .  .. .::.::..:.::::.:.:. .. . ... ..:I:IIIHIH:IIHHHHIIHII
> >     AMV . .. ...  . .:. :.:...:I:..:.:.:.. . .:. ..:.:.:IIHIHH:AHHHHIIHII
> >    AMM' .. .. ...  ..:::... . NV::..:..:.. .... ..:.:::IIHIHHI:HHHHIIIIII
> >   AMMV . ... .:.. ..: ..:. . . .  .:..:. . .. .:..::::IIIHIHHI:VHHHHIIIIH
> >  AMMM' .. .:. .... .::..:.. . .. . ..  .. . ..:...:::I:IHIHHHH:I:VHHHHIII
> >  MMMV . ... ... ...::. ...:.. ... . ...:..:..:.:.::I:I:IHIHHVII::HHHHHHIH
> >  MMM'. ... .:..:..:...:... ..:. .. ...:.....::.:.:::I:IHHIHHIII:AHHHHHI"H
> >  MMV .. ....:.::.:..:... ... ..:.... .. ..:.. .:...I:IIHIHHVIII.HHHHHH' H
> >  MMI ... ..::..::...::... . .:..:...:... ...:..:..:::IIIHIHIIIV.HHHHHH AH
> >  MM'.. ... ..::.:::..::...:.:.:. .:...:..:..:.:..::::I:IIHIIII..HHHHHH HH
> >  MM.. .....:.::..::.:.:.::..::.::..::... ...:.::.:::I:IIHIHIII..HHHHHVAHH
> >  MV... ...:.:::.::.:..::..:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:..:..:::.:::IIHIHIHHV.AHIHHH'AHH
> >  MI.. ..:..::.:I:.:.::.:.:.:.:.:.:::.:.:.:.:.:I:.:::I:IIHIHVHI.HHHHHH.HHH
> >  MI.. . ..:..:.:I::.::..:.:.:.:.:.::.::..:.:II::.::::I:IHIIVH:.HHHHHH.HIH
> >  MI... . ..:..:.:I:.:I::.:.:.:.:.:.::.::II:I:.:.:.::I:IIIIVHV:AHHHHHHA IH
> >  MA.:..:. ..:. .:::IHHHI:I.IHI.::I:I:I:I::.::. ..:..::I:IIHHIIHHHHHHHH IH
> >  MM..:..:.:. . .:::IHHIHIIHHIHIIH:IHII:::. .:.. ..:.:::IIAHHIHHHHHHHHV HH
> >  MM.:. .:.:. .:..:IHHMHHHMHMHMHMHMIIH::..:.. ..:..:.::IIAHHHIHHIHHHHH' IH
> >  MM:..:.:. .. ...::IMMHHMMHMHMMHMHHMI:.:. .:. . .::.:IIHAHHHIHIIH HHH  IH
> >  MM::.:. .:. .. ..:IMHMMHMHMHMMMHHII.:..: :.. . ..:.:.:IHIHHIHHIV HHH  IH
> >  MMI::.:. .:. .. .::VMMMMHMHMHMMHV:.:.. . . .. ..:.:..:IHIIHHHMM AHHH. IH
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> >             AMIIHMMMMMHIHHHiHHIHHHHHHHHHHHH:
> >             MMIHHMMMMMHHIHHHIHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
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> >          IHHIIHL:[;;;: ;   ;: -.,;-':   IH     :    Hi Rick you      :
> >          IHHIIHI:[;;: ::: ;    .. .   '  HH   :                      :
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> >         ;IHHHHIIHMM;: : :   ;;[,,,::;    HHI  .                     :
> >         IIHHMMHHIHHM;::       '"'     AMHI      :     BEAST!!       :
> >         IIHHMMHMHHIIIM;::              AMMHI      ..................
> >         IHHHMMHMHMHHHIHI;::          :AMMMHI
> >         IHHHMMMMHMMHHHII;;;;::   :,;; MMMHHI
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> >         ;IHHMMHMMMMHFHHII            MMMHH
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> >                  AHHHMMM;TTTTL:      :       ;
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> >             [::; :[;:       :-'
> >            ;::;: :;;:  :     :
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> >            ':: :  : :' :  :   ;
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> >                ':  : : : :     ;
> >                  ': ::     :    ;
> >                    ': ; :     :  ;
> >                      -::   :      ':
> >                        : ::     :   ''--::
> >                        ': : :         -:  ':
> >                          -:: :: :    ': '-'																											
> 
> Don`t wank over this too much.


The Complete Set Of Blonde Jokes V.5.0.1
----------------------------------------

1.  Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
    A: Gifted!

2.  Q: How do blonde braincells die?
    A: Alone.

3.  Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
    A: Pregnant.

4.  Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?
    A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.

5.  Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
    A: Artificial intelligence.

6.  Q: How does a blonde part their hair?
    A1:(Action of scissoring legs apart)
    A2:By doing the splits.

7.  Q: Why aren't blondes good cattle herders?
    A: Because they can't even keep two calves together$

8.  Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?
    A: Nothing.  They've never met.

9.  Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
    A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables$

10. Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain?
    A: After a dye job.

11. Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
    A1:She'd just dyed her hair.
    A2:She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown 
    round
       too much.

12. Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
    A: To catch everything that goes over their heads.

13. Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
    A: You can park in the handicap zone.

14. Q: What was the blonde psychic's greatest achievment?
    A: An IN-body experience$

15. Q: Why is a blonde like a turtle?
    A: They both get fucked up when they're on their back.

16. Q: What do Darren Millane (Collingwood footballer killed in a
       recent car crash) and a blonde have in common?
    A: Put either of 'em in a car and their fucked.

17. Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
    A: Humpme Dumpme.
 
18. Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
    A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

19. Q: How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle?
    A: Shine a torch in her ears.

20. Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
    A: It takes too long to retrain them.

21. Q1:How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
    A: There's white-out on the screen.
    Q2:How can you tell if another blonde's been using the 
       computer?
    A: There's writing on the white-out.

22. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
    A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.

23. Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
    A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until 
       they go go down on you.

24. Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer?
    A: She didn't like it because she couldn't get channel 9.

25. Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
    A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno$

26. Q: How do you kill a blonde?
    A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.

27. Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
    A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.

28. Q: Why don't blondes eat Jello?
    A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into 
       those

29. Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their 
       head?
    A: All you can eat, under a buck.

30. Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?
    A: Because they can't get their head in the jar.

31. Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas?
    A1:They can't find the zipper.
    A2:They cant find the pull tab.

32. Q: Why do blondes wear hoop earrings?
    A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles.

33. Q: Why do blondes where big hoop earrings?
    A: To put their feet through.

34. Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more 
       attractive? 
    A: Her ankles.

35. Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
    A: Because red means stop.

36. Q: Why do blondes wear red lipstick?
    A: Because red means "Stop, wrong hole."

37. Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator?
    A: By the lipstick on your cucumbers.

38. Q: Why don't blondes use vibrators?
    A: They chip their teeth.

39. Q: Why do blondes wear underwear?
    A: They make good ankle warmers.

40. Q: What do blondes do for foreplay?
    A: Remove their underwear.

41. Q: Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini 
       skirts?
    A: Cause their balls show$
> > 
42. Q: What's the mating call of the blonde?
    A: "I'm *sooo* drunk$"

43. Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
    A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk$"

44. Q: How did the blonde die ice fishing?
    A: She was run over by the zambonis machine.

45. Q: What's a brunette's mating call?
    A: Has that blonde gone yet?
    A2:When is that blonde bitch going to leave$?
    A3:"All the blondes have gone home$"

46: Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?
    A: Because they can spell it.
 
47. Q: Why do blondes like the GST? (GST -- Goods and Services Tax 
       now in effect in Canada)
    A: Because they can spell it.

48. Q: What is 74 to a blonde?
    A: 69 plus G.S.T.

49. Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
    A: Toes Go In First.

50. Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
    A: Tits Go In Front.

51. Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
    A: An interpreter.

52. Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
    A: A mental block.

53. Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
    A1:Blow in her ear.
    A2:Buy her another beer.
 
54. Q: What do you say to a blonde that won't give in?
    A: "Have another beer."

55. Q: What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning?
    A: Pack their lunch and send them to work.

56. Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
    A1:Introduces themself.
    A2:Walks home.

57. Q: How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?
    A: Fertilized.

58. Q: How does a blonde like her eggs?
    A: Unfertilized.

59. Q: What's the first thing a blonde does after sex?
    A: Opens the car door.

60. Q: How do blondes turn the light on after sex?
    A: Kick open the car door.

61. Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering?
    A: More head room.

62. Q: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
    A: More leg room.

63. Q: What is the worst thing about sex with a blonde?
    A: Bucket seats.

64. Q: What do blondes say after sex?
    A1:Thanks guys$
    A2:"Are you boys all in the same band?"
    A3:Do you guys all play for the <team name>?
    A4:Who were all those guys?

65. Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
    A: Because everybody gets a turn.

66. Q: Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?
    A: Because she's been laid all over the country.

67. Q: What important question does a blonde ask her mate before  
       having sex?
    A: Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate?

68. Q: Why do blonde girls have trouble achieving orgasm?
    A: *Who cares?*

69. Q: Why do blondes have orgasms?
    A: So they know when to stop having sex$

70. Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm?
    A1:She drops her nail-file$
    A2:Who cares?
    A3:She says, "Next".
    A4:The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder.
    A5:He's had his clothes for about 2 minutes.
    A6:I mean, who really cares?
    A7:The batteries have run out.

71. Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear?
    A: "Thanks for the refill$"

72. Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's 
       ear?
    A: Data transfer.

73. Q: Why do blondes use tapons with extra long strings?
    A: So the crabs can go bungee-jumping.

74. Q: How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?
    A: She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering
       what she did with her pencil.

75. Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress 
       (reading her nametag) ?
    A: "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one ?"

76. Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
    A1:Because they don't know any better.
    A2:They are easier to keep amused.

77. Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
    A1:"What's a lightbulb?"
    A2:One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
    A3:Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady$"

78. Q: What's a blonde's favourite wine?
    A: "Daaaddy, I want to go to Miaaami$"

79. Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?
    A: A wine cellar.

80. Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes?
    A: Peroxide.

81. Q: Why does NASA hire peroxide blondes?
     A: They're doing research on black holes.

82. Q: What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common?
    A1:They both have a black box.
    A2:Both have a cockpit.

83. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a 747?
    A: Not everyone has been in a 747.

84. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a limousine?
    A: Not everybody has been in a limo.

85. Q: What does a blonde say when she gives birth?
    A: Gee, Are you sure it's mine?

86. Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was 
       pregnant?
    A: "Are you sure it's mine?"

87. Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
    A: A wind tunnel.

88. Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
    A: A dope ring.

89. Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart
       blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 
       bill.  Who picks it up?
    A1:The dumb blonde, because, there is no such thing as Santa 
       Claus the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.
    A2:None of them.  There is no such thing as Santa Claus, the 
       Tooth Fairy or a smart blonde and the dumb blonde thought it was 
       a gum wrapper.

90. Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
    A: To see what was on the other side.

91. Q: What do you do when a blonde throes a hand grenade at you?
    A: Pull the pin and throw it back.

92. Q: Why do blondes take the pill?
    A: So they know what day of the week it is.

93. Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
    A: Because it kept falling out.

94. Q: Why did the blonde have a sore navel?
    A: Because her boyfriend was also blond$

95. Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who 
       hits the ground first?
    A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.

96. Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
    A: Her IQ goes up$

97. Q: What's the difference between Indiana and a blonde?
    A: A blonde has larger hills and deeper valleys.

98. Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
    A: You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.

99. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?
    A: You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.

100.Q: What is the difference between butter and a blonde?
    A: Butter is difficult to spread.

101.Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
    A1:You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.
    A2:You can't fit the blonde in the bowling ball.
    A3:There is no difference. They're both round and have
       three holes to poke.
    A4:You don't eat your bowling ball

102.Q: What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common?
    A: Chances are they'll both end up in the gutter.

103.Q: What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"?
    A: They know how many men went down on "The Titanic".

104.Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
    A: Bigfoot has been spotted.

105.Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a telephone?
    A: It costs 30 cents to use a telephone.

106.Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a guy?
    A: The blonde has the higher sperm count.

107.Q: What is the difference between a blonde and the Grand Old 
       Duke of York?
    A: The Grand Old Duke of York only 'had' 10000 men.

108.Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?
    A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it
       won't follow you around for a week.

109.Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common?
    A: They both get easier to pick-up with age.

110.Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
    A: The more you bang it, the looser it gets.

111.Q: What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?
    A: They're both empty from the neck up.

112.Q: What do blondes and spaghetti have in common?
    A: They both wriggle when you eat them.

113.Q: Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper?
    A: So she could lip read.

114.Q: What do peroxide blondes and black men have in common?
    A: They both have black roots.

115.Q: What do you call a blonde with a bag of sugar on her head?
    A: Sweet Fuck All...

116.Q: How do you drown a blonde?
    A1:Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
    A2:Don't tell her to swallow.
    A3:Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.

117.Q: Why did the blonde drown in the pool?
    A: Someone left a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.

118.Q: Why do blondes have square boobs?
    A: Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box.

119.Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip 
       cookies?
    A1:10. One to mix the dough and nine to peel the smarties.
    A2:Three...one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the 
       rabbit.
    A3:Two...one to make batter and one to peel the M&Ms.

120.Q: How do you tell if a blonde did your landscaping?
    A: The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.

121.Q: What did the blonde's mom say to her before the blonde's 
       date?
    A: If you're not in bed by 12, come home.

122.Q: What's the blonde's cheer?
    A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well..
         I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."

123.Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her 
       thoughts?
    A: Change.

124.Q: How does a blonde moonwalk?
    A: She pulls down her panties and slides her ass along the 
       floor

125.Q: Why do blondes find it difficult to marry?
    A: Because you don't have to marry them for sex$

126.Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a gorilla?
    A: Who knows, there is only so much a gorilla can be forced to 
       do.

127.Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every 
       month?
    A: Because it says right on it "good for up to 20 pounds."

128.Q: How did the blonde try to kill a bird?
    A: She threw it off a cliff.

129.Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
    A: She drowns it.

130.Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her 
       jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
    A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.

131.Q: What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?
    A: "Nice tits$"

132.Q: How does a blonde high-5?
    A: She smacks herself in the forehead.

133.Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
    A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.

134.Q: Why aren't there many blonde gymnasts?
    A: Because when they do the splits, they stick to the floor.

135.Q: Why do blondes have legs?
    A1:So they don't get stuck to the ground.
    A2:To get between the bedroom and the kitchen.
    A3:So they don't leave trails, like little snails.

136.Q: Why did the blonde go half way to Norway and then turn 
       around and come home?
    A: It took her that long to discover that a 14-inch Viking was 
       a television.

137.Q: What is the irritating part around a blonde's vagina?
    A1:The blonde$
    A2:The other guys waiting their turn.

138.Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling 
       idiots?
    A: Flattered.

139.Q: Why do blondes always die before help arrives?
    A: They always forget the "11" in "9-1-1".

140.Q: What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been 
       picked up by "the fuzz"?
    A: "No. But I've been swung around by the tits."

141.Q: What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes?
    A: Frosted Flakes.

142.Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
    A: Frosted Flakes.

143.Q: How does a blonde interpret 6.9?
    A: A 69 interrupted by a period.

144.Q: What's the difference between a blonde having her period 
       and a terrorist?
    A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

145.Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of 
       Cheerios?
    A: "Oh look$  Donut seeds$"

146.Q: Why do blondes have two more brain cells than a cow?
    A1:So they don't shit everywhere when you pull their tits.
    A2:So that when you pull their tits, they don't moo.

147.Q: Why don't blondes breast feed?
    A: Because they always burn their nipples.

148.Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
    A: She kept having affairs with men

149.Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
    A: To cover up the valve stem.

150.Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
    A: Spot.

151.Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
    A: A Space Invader.

152.Q: What's a blondes' favourite rock group?
    A: Air Supply.

153.Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
    A: The back of her head.

154.Q: Why do blondes drive VW's?
    A: Because they can't spell PORSCHE$

155.Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday mornings?
    A: Tell them a joke on Friday night$

156.Q: Why did God create blondes?
    A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.
    Q: Why did God create brunettes?
    A: Neither could the blondes.

157.Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
    A: Branch Manager.

158.Q: How did the dumb blonde break her leg raking leaves?
    A: She fell out of the tree.

159.Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
    A1:So they know if it is morning or afternoon.
    A2:So that when they're on the train they can tell
       if they're going to work or coming home.

160.Q: Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling?
    A: A blonde electrician.

161.Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
    A1:So brunettes can remember them.
    A2:Because blondes are so SHALLOW a long joke wouldn't fit.
    A3:So men can understand them.

162.Q: Why wasn't the Virgin Mary a blonde?
    A: She wouldn't have been old enough to bear children$
 
163.Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
    A1:A golden retriever.
    A2:A labrador.
    A3:An indicator of a really bad hangover.

164.Q: Why are blondes hurt by people's words?
    A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

165.Q: Why do blondes have periods?
    A: They deserve them.

166.Q: Why did the blonde fail at being a prostitute?
    A: Because she gave blow-jobs literally.

167.Q: Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage 
       aisle?
    A: She realized she gave her last blowjob.

168.Q: What did the blonde do when she got her period?
    A: Looked around for the bastard that must have shot her?

169.Q: Why did they call the blonde "twinkie"?
    A: She liked to be filled with cream.

170.Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist?
    A: "Why, I just _love_ nuclear fission$  What do you use for 
       bait?"

171.Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes?
    A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.

172.Q: How does a blonde hold her liquor?
    A: By the ears.

173.Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate 
       chips cookies?
    A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

174.Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy?
    A: Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetise them.

175.Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
    A: Proofreading.

176.Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
    A: For throwing out the W's.

177.Q: Why did the blonde try to steal a police car?
    A: She saw "911" and thought it was a Porsche.

178.Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
    A: Last year's hide and seek champ.

179.Q: How do you get a blonde pregnant?
    A: Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest.

180.Q: What's the difference between a blonde track team and a 
       tribe of sly of pygmies?
    A: One's a bunch a cunning runts.

181.Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Suez/Panama 
       Canal?
    A: One's a busy ditch.

182.Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a toilet?
    A: A toilet won't follow you around after you use it.

183.Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster?
    A: In the morning a rooster says, "Cock'll-doodl-doooo", while
       a blonde says, "Any-cock'll-doooo."

184.Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket 
       trolley?
    A: The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.

185.Q: What's the difference between a blonde and your job?
    A: Your job still sucks after 6 months.

186.Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a trampoline?
    A: You take off your shoes before using a trampoline.

187.Q: What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac,
       and a blonde?
    A: The prostitute says, "Aren't you done yet?"
       The nympho says, "Are you done already?"
       The blonde says, "Beige...I think I'll paint the ceiling 
       beige."

188.Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
    A: Tell her she's pregnant.
    Q: What will she ask you?
    A: "Is it mine?"

189.Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
    A: An air bag.

190.Q: Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after 
       a blonde drives a car?
    A: Cause she blows the horn$

191.Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is 
       on?
    A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.

192.Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
    A: To tu


i just read the short story, i thought it hilarious.

	"this is the story of the italian who tell the story about his
	trip to america.....you must be read with an italian accent"

one day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina morning i go down to eat
breakfast. I tella waitress i wanna two pissis toast. she brings me only one piss. I
tell here i want to piss. she say go to the toilet....I say you no understand. I
wanna to piss onna my plate. she say you better not piss onnna plate...you
sonna ma bitch. I dont even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.

later i go to eat at the bigga restaurant. the waitress brings me a spoon
and the knife but no fock. i tella her i wanna fock. she tell me everyone wanna
fock. i tell her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. she say you
better not fock on the table...you sonna ma bitch.

so i go back to the room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. I
calla the manager and tella him I wanna shit... he tell me go to the toilet and I
say you no understand I wanna shit on my bed. he say you better not shit onna
bed..you sonna ma bitch.

I go to checkout and the man at the desk say: "peace on you" I say piss on
you too...YOU SONNA MA BITCH... i gonna back to italy.


no it was not  mistyped at all, read as it was....:)))))


What's the definition of confusion?

50 blind lesbiens in a fish market !!!


----------------------------------------------------------------------
'Pooh Goes Apeshit'
 
 Everything was rather quiet in the hundred acre wood. The trees
 whispered to each other as the wind rustled their leaves. Under a
 large oak tree, there lived Pooh bear. From inside Pooh's house, there
 came a steady bang...bang...bang!, that was making his honey jars
 rattle on the sideboard. The light came through the window, and in the
 evening sun Pooh raised the axe once more and brought it down on the
 tattered remains of Christopher Robin. 
 
 "Why...won't...he...fit..." puffed Pooh to himself as the axe came
 down once more. There was a small pile of earth, and a hole next to
 it, which Pooh had hidden with his favourite rug. Christopher Robin,
 selfish prat that he was, didn't quite fit in the hole Pooh had dug,
 so instead of making it wider he had decided to hack Christopher
 Robin's legs off. "A far more sensible idea", thought Pooh, and hummed
 a little song to himself as he cut the last tendon and rammed the rest
 of the body in the hole, finally covering it up with the rug. "Always
 too bossy", thought Pooh, "Always too bossy, always grabbing me by the
 paw and saying 'Come on Pooh lets have an adventure' or 'Pooh you are
 silly!' in that affected cutesy spoilt brat voice, and his stupid
 little shorts - bastard!" 
 
 Pooh had waited all afternoon for Christopher Robin to come round,
 humming a little tuneless song to himself whilst gazing blankly into
 the fire and fondling the oaken handle of the axe. When C.R. had
 finally turned up, squeaking in his child-actor voice "Come on Pooh!
 Open Up!", Pooh had answered the door normal as anything, talked about
 the weather, and then went to the cupboard and fetched the axe. While
 C.R. had sat there, prattling on about what a silly bear Pooh was and
 how he had very little brain (which wound Pooh up no end) Pooh had
 raised the axe high and brought it down with a satisfying thud on
 Christopher Robin's skull, cleaving it virtually in two, with just
 some muscle fibre in place to keep the pieces upright, and freezing
 C.R's eyes wide in horror that Pooh, lovable Pooh, could do such a
 thing! Pooh giggled a little and wiped some saliva from his mouth with
 a shaky paw. Then Pooh, calm as anything, had mopped up the blood,
 washed the axe and begun to dig the hole. 
 
 Piglet had wondered why Pooh had not called for him that morning, to
 have his tea and biscuits, and so he decided to visit Pooh instead. He
 admired the evening sun, blood red, and listened to the birds singing.
 Pooh watched him get nearer and nearer, and plugged in the drill. 
 
 Piglet had no time to realise what had happened - the drill pierced
 his skull, sending a beautiful fountain of blood all over Pooh's
 orange hide. He rubbed the blood in and all over himself, licking,
 licking, always licking. Then he pulled Piglet inside and put him in
 the cupboard. The syringe lay on the sideboard, and Pooh picked it up,
 paws shaking and sweating, and filled it full of solution of the funny
 white powder that had been given to him by a strangely spaced- out
 Rabbit. It was a strange effect at first, and Pooh thought he had seen
 many strange things, but then experienced a euphoric feeling of power.
 It made him irritable, and C.R. and Piglet had everything that was
 coming to them, no doubt at all. When night had fully fallen, Pooh
 dragged the bodies out and buried them in a makeshift grave. 
 
 "Adios, dear 'friends'", Pooh giggled, "Things are going to change
 around the 100-acre wood now I'm in charge" he laughed hysterically
 and went indoors. 
 
 The next day Tigger and Roo made their way happily to Pooh's house, to
 see if he knew where C.R. and Piglet were, as no-one had seen them
 since yesterday. They were sure Pooh would know, as he had had tea
 with Piglet yesterday and was meant to be playing Pooh-sticks with
 C.R. in the morning.
 
 
 When they reached Pooh's house the door was wide open and Pooh was
 nowhere to be seen. Tigger and Roo looked inside Pooh's house and
 noticed a large hole in Pooh's floor and a notice was stuck on the
 wall with a large blob of congealing honey "OWT CHAGIG THE DRAGGN"
 (spelling had never been one of Pooh's strong points). "That's odd",
 though Tigger, "there are no dragons in the 100-acre wood only
 heffalumps. What is that silly bear up to now?" 
 
 Not even Tigger would have imagined what Pooh was up to at that
 moment. That morning Pooh had woken with a splitting headache and a
 rather snotty nose. So he had taken a large dose of the white powder
 and a little while later had a brilliant idea! He left the house with
 a container marked INSECTICIDE in big red letters. He took the
 container and went to Eeyor's favourite patch of thistles. "This will
 serve that manic depressive donkey right" laughed Pooh aloud, "always
 cheating at Pooh-sticks, cheats never prosper", Pooh said to himself. 
 
 Then he hid behind a tree to watch the unsuspecting Eeyor eat himself
 to death - sheer poetic justice thought Pooh as he dumped the nearly
 dead body of Eeyor in the same grave as C.R. and Piglet - "Shouldn't
 cheat should you?", shouted Pooh as Eeyor's eyes stared with disbelief
 - "You're lucky I didn't chop you up into little bits and feed you to
 Tigger!", laughed Pooh manically, before he covered the makeshift
 grave over. 
 
 Pooh didn't return to the house until dinner time as he was totally
 spaced out all morning. So when he returned to his house he was in an
 awful mood and all he needed to make him absolutely mad was the sight
 of Tigger and Roo bouncing up and down outside his house singing
 "bouncy, bouncy, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, the wonderful....".
 "'Wonderful'?", thought Pooh aloud, "My foot, you'd think the writer
 of this shitty story could think up better lyrics for a song than
 that, and to think, they released the soundtrack album on cassette and
 CD; a lot of people are going to get ripped off." This lightened
 Pooh's mood somewhat, but the respite was brief. 
 
 "What was that you said?", asked Roo. "God does he never stop asking
 pathetic questions?", Pooh thought furiously, "I'm going to have to
 deal with these prats as well. Is there no-one in this place with
 intelligence apart from me?" Pooh asked despairingly." Pooh felt
 himself extremely lucky as Roo had to go home for his afternoon sleep
 and that left Tigger at his mercy. Even better, Tigger suggested that
 himself and Pooh go and play Pooh-sticks; Pooh had smiled slyly as an
 idea formed in his overactive brain, and agreed - "What an
 opportunity", Pooh whispered to himself as he followed the innocent
 Tigger to the bridge. 
 
 Once on the bridge, and the rather pointless game of Pooh-sticks was
 under way, Pooh thought he'd much rather push his stick up Tigger's
 arse, rather than throwing it into the stream. Tigger was leaning over
 the side of the bridge looking for his stick. So he did not see Pooh's
 wide horrific grin as he outstretched his arms and moved toward Tigger
 with the intent of pushing the stupid cat into the stream - "Cats hate
 water, tee hee, he'll drown." 
 
 There was a loud splash as Tigger hit the water and started to
 struggle as his head was covered by water, he gulped and choked. Pooh
 was holding on to the rail of the bridge and jumping up and down with
 excitement and was joyously shouting at the drowning Tigger. 
 
 "Why?", spluttered Tigger as he slowly started to turn blue with the
 cold, which Pooh found hysterical, after all a blue Tigger?? How
 absolutely silly. 
 
 "I'll tell you why you bastard", screamed Pooh, "It serves you right,
 hiding behind doors and jumping out, and scaring the shit out of
 people." But Tigger did not hear Pooh's answer as he was already
 floating downstream face down in the water, dead - "Good riddance",
 laughed Pooh, and looked at his watch, "Still time to get that little
 dick head Roo before he wakes up." 
 
 Pooh sneaked to the sleeping form of Roo's mum and saw Roo's ear
 poking out of her pouch - "Now I've got you, you little git", Pooh
 thought, smiling, as he threaded a needle with extra strong cotton. He
 was jolly grateful for Piglet's sewing lessons now, because he would
 be able to sew up Roo nice and tightly, so he would not be able to get
 out and his mum would not be able to rescue him. So very slowly and
 carefully Pooh began to sew Roo into his pouch and thereby suffocating
 the annoying idiotic twit. 
 
 After the deed was done Pooh made his way back to his house wondering
 how Roo's mum would take the death of Roo. Badly, hoped Pooh, as he
 began to cough uncontrollably and felt general nausea overcome him. 
 
 By the time Pooh got home he had puked up several times and was very
 desperate for some more of the white solution. He trembled as he
 picked up the syringe and gave himself the remaining amount. An
 awfully large amount, one might say, for a small little bear like
 Pooh. In fact too much, Pooh died of an overdose, but he died with a
 smile on his face: he was dreaming that he was the only teddy bear
 made with a willy and dreamed how he surprised Eeyor one day - but
 that's a story for another day. 


To the tune of Park Life by Blur....


                                  ARTSLIFE

Laziness is a preference to the habitual voyeur of what is known as
ARTSLIFE!
A morning lecture can be avoided if you take the route straight through what
is known as
ARTSLIFE!
John's got too little work, he gets intimidated by the dirty engineers, they
love a bit of it!
ARTSLIFE!
Who's that idiot working, you should cut down on your science life mate, get
back to bed!

Allllllllll my lectures
My two-oo lectures
I some-times go to them
Go to them in my
ARTSLIFE!

Know what I mean?

I get up when I want, except on Wednesdays when I get rudely awakened by the
cleaner
ARTSLIFE!
I put my trousers on, have a cup of tea, and I think about leaving the bed
ARTSLIFE!
I play pool, I sometimes play Daytona too, it gives me an enormous sense of
having done something
ARTSLIFE!
And then I'm happy for the rest of the day, safe in the knowledge that there
will always be another grant cheque devoted to me

Alllllllll my lectures
My two-oo lectures
I some-times go to them
Go to them in my
ARTSLIFE!

Its got nothing to do with your 9 o'clock lectures you know
And its not about your lecturers who go on and on and on and on.....

Alllllllll my lectures
My two-oo lectures
I some-times go to them
Go to them in my
ARTSLIFE!


                     Laura
                      XXX

       You can knock it you can rock it
       You can go to Timbuctoo
       But you'll never see a Nessie in the zoo..


I know that a lot of you are Pooh fans, so enjoy! And goodluck...




>>>>>>> >>>              __  _-==-=_,-.
>>>>>>> >>>             /--`' \_@~@.--<     The wonderful thing about Tiggers
>>>>>>> >>>             `--'\ \  <___/.     Is Tiggers are wonderful things.
>>>>>>> >>>                 \ \\   " /      Their tops are made out of rubber
>>>>>>> >>>                   >=\\_/`<      Their bottoms are made out of springs.
>>>>>>> >>>       ____       /= |  \_/      They're bouncy, trouncy, flouncypouncy,
>>>>>>> >>>     _'    `\   _/=== \__/       Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun!
>>>>>>> >>>     `___/ //\./=/~\====\        But the best thing about Tiggers is
>>>>>>> >>>         \   // /   | ===|       I'm the only one!
>>>>>>> >>>          |  ._/_,__|_ ==|        __
>>>>>>> >>>          \/    \\ \\`=-|       / \\
>>>>>>> >>>            |    _     \\|      /==|-\
>>>>>>> >>>           `.__' `-____/       |--|==|
>>>>>>> >>>              \    \ ===\      |==|`-'
>>>>>>> >>>              _>    \ ===\    /==/
>>>>>>> >>>              /==\   |  ===\__/--/
>>>>>>> >>>             <=== \  /  ====\ \\/
>>>>>>> >>>             _`--  \/  === \/--'
>>>>>>> >>>            |       \ ==== |
>>>>>>> >>>             -`------/`--' /
>>>>>>> >>>                     \___-'
>>>>>>> >>>
*If you read this on a Sunday, wish for a  really fun week
*If you read this on a Monday, wish for money
*If you read this on a Tuesday, wish for love
*If you read this on a Wednesday, wish for success
*If you read this on a Thursday, wish for anything you want
*If you read this on a Friday, wish for a really hot date
*If you read this on a Saturday, wish for an important phone call

Send this to seven people (after you  make a wish).  Make sure it
is mailed as soon as you read it or your  wish  won't come true.   REMEMBER, make a
WISH, send this letter (and hope it happens).

Hakuna Matata!



confucius say:

        Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

        Man who stand on toilet high on pot.

        It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to
        park meat in girl.

        Man who jizz in cash register come into money.

        Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.

        Man who fart in church must sit in own pew.

        Man who finger girl having period get caught red handed.

        Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.

        Baseball wrong--man with four balls cannot walk.

        Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

        Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly
        finger.

        Learn to masturbate--come in handy.

        Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock.

        Man who buy drowned cat must pay for wet pussy.

        Virgin like balloon--one prick, all gone.



This message has been sent to you for good luck in sex. The
original is in a room in Palaiseau .It has been sent around the world
nine times.The sex has now been sent to you. Hot women  or men will visit
you within four days of receiving this message -- provided you, in
turn, send it on.This is no joke. You will receive good sex in the mail
-- but no condom. Send copies to people you think need sex.  Don't send
money as fate has no price.  Do not keep this message.  This message must
leave your hands in 96 hrs. Please send ten copies and see what happens in
four days. The chain comes from Palaiseau and was written by R.F. , a
student from a little town in France. Since the copy must tour the world,
you must make ten copies and send them to friends and associates.  After a
few days,you will get a surprise.  This is true, even if you are not
superstitious.

Good sex, but please remember: 10 copies of this message must leave
your hands in 96 hours... You must not sign on this message.

Hope you find these amusing.  There have been a spate of "chat up
lines going around up here - God know I need them.

THE WORLD'S BEST PICKUP LINES (AND MUCH, MUCH, MORE!)

1. I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hands.
2. Can I borrow a quarter? ["What for?"] I want to call my mom
   and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams.
OR: I want to call your mother and thank her.
3. Is your daddy a thief? ["No."] Then how did he steal the
   sparkle of the stars and put it in your eyes? [Be ready with a
   snappy answer in case they say "yes."] 
4. You're so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear. 
5. Would you be my love buffet?  So I can lay you out on the table and take what I
   want? 
6. Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell
   everyone we did anyway.
7. The word of the day is "legs."  Let's go back to my place
   and spread the word.
8. Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night?
9. That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my
   bedroom floor tomorrow morning. 
10. My name's [your name]. That's so you know what to scream. 
11. My name's [your name], but you can call me "lover." 
12. Nice shoes.  Wanna fuck? 
13. Can I flirt with you? 
14. Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of buns. 
15. [Look at his/her shirt label.  When they say, "What are you doing?":] Checking
    to see if you were made in heaven. OR: Checking to see if
    you're the right size. 
16. All those curves, and me with no brakes. 
17. If I told you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? 
18. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but don't you want to kiss me? 
19. I like every muscle in your body, especially mine.
20. [Grab his/her tush.] Pardon me, is this seat taken? 
21. Is it hot in here or is it just you? 
22. Can I have directions? ["To where?"] To your heart. [Cheese alert] 
23. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together. 
24. How about you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up? 
25. Do you know what'd look good on you?  Me. 
26. I miss my teddy bear.  Would you sleep with me? 
27. So...  How am I doin'? 
28. How about you and I go back to my place and get out of these wet clothes? 
29. [Tap your thigh] You just think this is my leg. 
30. Say, that's a nice [dress/outfit/article of clothing].  Can I talk you out
    of it? 
31. I lost my phone number.  Can I have yours? 
32. I hope you know CPR, 'cause you take my breath away. 
33. Excuse me, is that semen in your hair? 
34. My face is leaving in fifteen minutes.  Be on it.   
35. You have spanner eyes, everytime you look at me my nuts tighten!  
36. Do you fancy a fuck? "NO"  mind lying down whilest I have one,  
37. Did it hurt? "WHAT" Falling from heaven!   

This E-MAIL has been sent to you for good luck. The
original has been worn out from having passed through the hands of so many
people.
It had travelled around the world 71 times

[Dear Reader: please help keep this count current. If this
letter falls into your hands after just completing one more
circuit of the world, please add one to the count.] The luck has now been
sent to you.

YOU WILL EXPERIENCE GREAT SEX within four days of receiving this
letter, provided you send it on. Since the copy must tour the
world, you must make ten copies and send them to others. This
is no joke.  Send no money. Send copies to people who need to
GET LAID within 96 hours.

After he passed this letter on, a Montana Spinach Control Officer
got his penis stuck in a cow-milking machine and had the
longest series of orgasms of his life. John Elliot tried to
pick up a prostitute, but, because he broke the chain, was
picked up by the police instead. When they searched his home,
they found magazines of little boys which they showed to his
neighbors. In a suburb of Paris, Don Loray's trousers were
ripped by an unsatisfied erection, 51 days after failing to
circulate the letter. However, before this happened, a condom
machine gave him three condoms for the price of one. (was this
the consolation prize?)
Do note the following: Hebert Pudstrom received the chain
in 1953.
He asked his secretary to make ten copies and send them out. A
few days later he encountered her in a red-light district
making more than he had ever paid her at work.  General George
Patton, who sent the letter on, saw what he thought was a
quarter in the street. When he bent down to pick it up, a
beautiful woman in a miniskirt walked by, and he got a great
view. Heywood Daddit, an unemployed chicken choker, received
the letter and>forgot that it had to leave his hands within 96
hours. His wife then went bowling with his best friend and
never returned. Later, after finding the
letter again, he mailed ten copies. A few days later he got a wife and
discovered that his old wife, who he thought was wonderful, had
made love to him like a dead salmon for all these years! Alan
Fairchild received the letter and, not believing, threw the
letter away. Nine days later he spilled hot coffee in his
crotch.
In 1987 the letter received by a young woman in Texas was
faded and
barely readable, so she did not realize that this paragraph
applied to her. She promised herself she would retype the
letter and send it on, but she put it aside to do later. She
was plagued with problems including herpes and other venereal
diseases she contracted in her futile attempts to find Mr.
Right in a singles bar. The letter did not leave her hands in
96 hours. She finally typed the letter and found a man with a
10-inch penis.
Beware, however of the fate of the E-mail user at Trent
University, Peterborough, ONT, that sent this letter to himself
over five thousand times in one afternoon. Before leaving the
computer lab a strange woman came up behind him, bit his ear
and put her hand down his pants.  The ensuing surprise caused
him to stumble forward and cry out. As he attempted to arrest
his fall by grabbing a nearby PC, a gob of spittle that had
been flung from his mouth (as he cried out) landed deep into
the inner recesses of the computer, all three (student, strange
woman and computer) then experienced simultaneous Cyber-Orgasms
of exponential intensity before exploding in a puff of smoking
data.

You must distribute at least ten copies within 96 hours
of
receiving this letter. Those who do will find their love lives
more fulfilling. Those who do not will be doomed to one-night
stands with mechanical devices.


Bet you at least had a laugh(?)

L

I sure did and I hope everyone else who reads it has as big a laugh 
as me!

VOODOO DICK

This lady walks into her psychiatrist's office one day and 
says:
"Doctor, I just can't have an orgasm."
"Do you masterbate?", he says..
"No luck", is the reply.
"How about cunnilingus?"
"Nope"
"Kick-start vibrator?"
"Wakes up the neighbors, but not me." she complains.
"Hmm, looks like a problem.  Wait here.", the doctor says as 
he walks into the next room.  He walks out with a black velvet case and 
places it on his lap.  Her eyes widen as he opens it, revealing its contents.
"What is it!", she gasps.
"It's a VOODOO DICK!", he proclaims, as he hoists the 
foot-long, meaty shaft from the case.
"It is VERY powerful, but it can fulfill your every desire.  
Watch.  VOODOO DICK, hand!", he comands.
The dick leaps across his lap into his open palm faster than 
the eye can see.
"Oooooh!", she sighs.
"VOODOO DICK, box!"
The dick returns in a shot to its case.
"You may take this, but you must promise NOT to abuse its 
power."
"Certainly, of course, anything you say!", she sputters, the 
wetness in her mouth matched by the wetness in her panties.
So she takes the magic missle with her, thanking the good 
doctor and hurrying out to her car.  But she can't wait to get home, so 
she prys the lid open on the seat next to her.
"VOODOO DICK, hand!", she commands.
It flies eagerly into her hand.  She is amazed by the size of 
this veiney tool, and quickly removes her underwear.
"VOODOO DICK, pussy!" she screams, and it obliges.
Burying itself inside her in an instant, she gasps with 
pleasure.
"VOODOO DICK, fuck me!"
It begins to thrust in and out.
"VOODOO DICK, faster!"
It quickens the pace while the woman sits it sexual bliss.  
Unbelievable sensations course through her body.
"VOODOO DICK, harder!"
It pounds away furiously as orgasms begin, one after the 
other.  Soon the woman begins to tire, unaccustomed to this sort of 
satisfaction.
"VOODOO DICK, stop!"
But it doesn't stop.
"VOODOO DICK, stop now!", she yells.
It continues its relentless assault.
"Quit it, VOODOO DICK, that hurts!"
It is oblivious to her desires.  She finally manages to wrench 
it from her pussy and throw it out the window.  Just as she gets the 
window rolled up, it is there against the glass, trying to get in.  She quickly 
starts the car and screeches away in terror.  60, 70, 80 mph.  The VOODOO 
DICK hot on (and for) her tail.  90, 100.  The woman starts to pull away as the 
dick fades away behind the last corner.  Sirens blare.  The woman is 
babbling senselessly as the officer approaches her car.
"You-you have to let me go.  There is this-this thing-gotta 
go!", she yells.
"Lady, you were doing 100 miles an hour.  What the hell is 
your problem?"
"You don't under-understand..  There is this VOODOO DICK following me.", she 
sputters.
"A what???", the cop yells?
"A magic VOODOO DICK.  It's after me!", she exclaims.
To which the cop replies, "VOODOO DICK, my ass!"


THE CREATION OF A PUSSY

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
Created a pussy to their design.

First was a butcher, smart with witt,
Using a knife, he gave it a slit.

Second was a carpenter, strong and bold,
With a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole.

Third was a tailor, tall and thin,
By using red velvet, he lined it within.

Fourth was a hunter, short and stout,
With a piece of fox fur, he lined it throughout.

Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell,
He threw in a fish and gave it a smell.

Sixth was a preacher, who's name was McGee,
He touched it, and blessed it and said it could pee

Last was a sailor, dirty little runt,
He sucked it, and fucked it, and called it a cunt.



Dirty Harry - the Verbal Assassin.


SUBWAY

      I ride the subway each workday from Queens to Manhattan. It
 usually gets very crowded in the morning, with too many people
 jamming into the subway cars. It isn't unusual for someone to
 brush up against my breasts or ass. Most of the time, I have to
 believe its intentional. Sometimes they linger, sometimes they
 squeeze, sometimes they rub. There is no point getting angry. To
 be honest, I find it exciting, a complete stranger touching me in
 public. Since my boyfriend broke-up with me a couple of weeks
 ago, I've had fantasies of feeling up some guy, taking him home,
 and fucking his brains out. I knew I'd never have the nerve to do
 it. Still, a 25 year old secretary like me needs her fill of sex.
 
      At the token booth that morning, a worker was handing out a
 flyer. It said that due to some emergency work, there would
 likely be delays today in the tunnel. It was possible that the
 train might be stopped for a half an hour, maybe more. Sorry for
 the inconvenience, blah, blah, blah.... I almost turned around
 and went home. Who needs the aggravation I thought. Then, I
 remembered I didn't have any sick time or vacation due. I decided
 I had to go in.
 
      Reluctantly I paid my fare and went down to the platform to
 wait for the train. It was autumn and I was dressed for the mild
 weather. I wore a button down sweater top, and a skirt that
 stopped just above my knees. My boyfriend of up until recently
 had a thing for women's underwear, so I usually wore a sexy bra,
 skimpy panties that ties at my hips, stockings and a garter belt.
 He hated pantyhose. After we broke up, I still wore these frilly
 things. Made me feel very feminine.
 
      On the platform, I waited for the train. The platform was
 only a little more crowded than usual, maybe the flyer exag-
 gerated I hoped. The train arrived fairly quickly. It was crowd-
 ed, but I had seen worse. I stay on the train for fifteen stops.
 It usually takes me about 45 minutes. The doors closed and I
 hoped for the best. I grabbed onto a pole, took out my book and
 began to read.
 
      For the first three or four stops, the train moved at normal
 speed. Unfortunately, it got jammed packed. The people around me
 had their backs to me, I was in a little shelter formed by their
 bodies. The train slowed down and crawled along between stations,
 stopping intermittently. It was during one of these short stops
 that I felt a hand resting lightly on my ass. Fingers were gently
 pressing against the skirt covering my ass. I knew I should do
 something to stop him, but I figured it was harmless, and after
 not having sex for over two weeks, I was horny.
 
       The palm of his hand pressed slightly harder against my
 ass. I pushed my ass back a little into his hand, signally my
 awareness of and consent to his actions. At that point,the train
 again started to move slowly and my molester squeezed my ass
 cheek firmly. He began to move his hand over my skirt covered ass
 knowingly. I felt him outline the edge of my panties and the
 straps of my garter belt. My cunt began to get hot and moist.
 
      His hand drifted lower as the train pulled into a station.
 He followed my garter strap down to the tops of my stockings. His
 hand squeezed my leg. The train was so packed that nobody new got
 on. As the train left the station, I felt the back of my skirt
 rising as he lifted it up. I wondered how far he thought he could
 go feeling me up on a crowded subway train with people all around
 us. I felt the cream dripping from my cunt into my panties as his
 hand reached under my lifted skirt and touched my stocking
 covered leg. His actions became more urgent. I had long since put
 my book away and was concentrating on his hand. It rose to the
 top of my stockings, his fingers pressing into my bare skin just
 below my ass. The train came to a stop again as his hand was back
 on my ass, this time under my skirt resting firmly on my panties.
 
      While his one hand roamed freely over my panty covered ass,
 rubbing, squeezing and probing,his other hand reached for my free
 hand near him and took it to his crotch. He pressed my hand into
 his cock. It was hard under his pants. He moved my hand up and
 down over his prick. When he let go, I continued rubbing his
 prick on my own. His other hand pulled my panties down slightly,
 and his fingers were under my panties. On a crowded subway train,
 some guy a didn't know was inside my panties with his hand on my
 ass while I gave him a handjob. I came with a shutter.
 
      As he squeezed my ass flesh, his other hand slipped under my
 sweater in the front and explored my belly button and my stomach
 and it made its way upward towards my breasts. The train began to
 move again as his one hand dipped into the crack of my ass and
 fingered my asshole while his other hand cupped my right tit. He
 played with my nipple through my bra, making it hard and erect.
 
      As he got bolder, so did I. I moved my hand from his prick
 and located his fly. I pulled his zipper down and put my hand
 inside his pants. He wasn't wearing any underwear. I found his
 cock and ran my fingers and nails teasingly along his bare cock
 flesh. By this time, his one hand had pushed my bra cups aside
 and he had a finger well up my asshole.
 
      I took his cock out of his pants. I surveyed its length with
 my hand. I figured it to be about 8 inches. It was so thick I
 could barely get my hand fully around it. As the train crawled
 along, his hand left my breasts and dropped to the front of my
 skirt. He hiked my skirt up and ran his fingers along my inner
 thighs. My cum flowed from my pussy as he rested his hand on the
 front of my panties and rubbed my cunt slit. He moved to the top
 of my panties and dipped his hand inside. His fingers moved
 through my pubic hair as they searched knowingly for my cunt
 hole. I continued to jerk my subway lover off as he placed his
 finger inside my cunt. I was being finger fucked from both sides,
 my cunt and my ass.
 
      He pulled his finger out of my ass hole and ran his hand
 inside of my panties around my hips.  He located  one of the bows
 that held my panties to my body. As he continued to finger my
 cunt, he untied the bow, then moved to my other hip and untied
 the second bow. He slid my panties off, removing them from under
 my skirt. The hand in my cunt was now totally free. His slow
 finger fucking became more rapid. I had my third orgasm of my
 morning commute. He brought his other hand to my back and slipped
 it under my sweater. He moved it up to my bra strap and undid my
 bra. This stranger was undressing me on a crowded subway car with
 people all around us, and I was more than letting him, I was
 giving him a hand job. He moved his hand from my back, around me,
 and again fondled my bare breasts.
 
     The train entered another station. As we explored each others
 bodies, the train sat for several minutes before slowly leaving
 the station. Just outside the station, the conductor announced
 over the loudspeaker. "Ladies and Gentlemen, the area of the
 emergency track work is just ahead. We have been informed that
 the workers just started to remove a piece of bad track. It will
 take a half an hour to 45 minutes. Had we known this before we
 left the station, we would have stayed there. The train is too
 crowded for the motorman to get to the back of the train to bring
 it back to the station, so we'll have to stay here. We're sorry
 for this inconvenience but ask your understanding of this emer-
 gency situation."
 
      Others groaned and cursed. My molester took his hands from
 my cunt and tits and moved them to my hips. He turned me to face
 him. Until this time I had not seen the person who was feeling me
 up. He was a Puerto Rican, maybe 15 years old, and little shorter
 than me. My panties were in his shirt pocket. I couldn't believe
 that a nice Jewish girl like me was about to let a P.R. fuck me,
 but I knew that's what he wanted, and I wanted it to. This little
 spic had me so hot I would do anything for him.
 
     He bunched my skirt up at my hips and pressed his cock
 against my cunt. His hands moved to my ass cheeks. I guided his
 cock over my pussy, and slipped his hard, dark skinned prick into
 my cunt hole. I had an orgasm as he pushed deep into my pussy.
 His hands on my ass guided my fucking motion up and down his
 cock. He briefly moved his hand from my ass and took my panties
 from his pocket and put them in his mouth. He sucked my cum from
 my panties as he fucked me. As my Puerto Rican subway lover
 thrust in and out of my hungary cunt, he unbuttoned the top of my
 sweater and exposed my erect nipples. He took my panties from his
 mouth and put them back in his shirt pocket. He lowered his head
 to my breasts and sucked a nipple into his mouth. I came again.
 He ran his tongue over my nipple, then lightly chewed and sucked
 at it. All the while he fucked me and squeezed my bare ass. I
 felt his thrusts become more urgent and knew he would come soon.
 I flexed my cunt muscles around his prick desperately trying to
 milk his cum from his long, hard cock. He grabbed my ass cheeks
 hard and pushed into me as far as his prick could go. I felt his
 cock pulsate as he filled my white Jewish pussy with Puerto Rican
 cum. Seconds later I came once more.
 
      After he pulled out of me, he wiped his cum and my cunt
 juices from his cock onto my panties. He then put my panties to
 my cunt and soaked as much of his cum and my cunt juices into
 them as he could. He brought my panties to my face and I accepted
 them into my mouth. I sucked his cum from my panties. The conduc-
 tor got on the loudspeaker and said it would be about another 20
 minutes before the train moved. As I sucked on my panties, the
 Puerto Rican was fingering my cunt and lubricating my ass hole
 with my pussy juices. When my asshole was wet enough he finger
 fucked it while he continued to play with my cunt.
 
      His hands moved to my hips and he turned me around, my back
 to him. This Puerto Rican kid wanted to fuck me in the ass on
 this subway train. I'd never been fucked in the ass before, but I
 was overcome with sexual need and as he spread my ass cheeks I
 reached for his prick and guided  his cockhead to my asshole. I
 sucked harder on my panties as he pulled my hips back and slid
 his prick into my virgin ass. He slowly worked his cock up my
 asshole. At first, it hurt as his large prick filled my tight
 rear hole. I began to move my ass along his prick on my own. His
 hands left my hips, one returned to my exposed breasts, the other
 again lifted the front of my skirt and fingered my cunt. As his
 finger touched my clit, I came in his hand.
 
      The Puerto Rican kid fucked my ass and fingered my cunt and
 tits for several minutes. The his hands returned to my hips and
 he moved me hard along his ass fucking prick. I felt him tense
 and seconds latter, his cum was spurting into my asshole. He held
 me close as he shot his second load of the morning. He did not
 pull out of my asshole. Instead, he rocked slowly back and forth
 and played with my breasts with both of his hands. One hand moved
 to my face and he took my panties from my mouth.
 
      "Ladies and Gentlemen," The conductor announced over the
 loudspeaker, "we have just been informed that in order to com-
 plete repairs, they must shut the power in the third rail off.
 This means the train cars will go dark. They expect this will
 last 10 to 15 minutes. Please remain calm, there is no danger."
 
      A minute latter, the lights in the train went out. The
 Puerto Rican was still in my ass. He pulled his cock out and, his
 hands on my hips again, turned me around to face him. In the dark
 I couldn't see him.  I felt his lips touch mine as he kissed my
 opened mouth. His tongue passed my lips as it found mine. He
 kissed me passionately for a minute or so, then, he moved his
 hands from my hips to my shoulders and pushed down firmly. I came
 again as I realized he wanted me to blow him. My mind was in a
 daze as I slowly dropped to my knees. I felt his cock along my
 cheek. I moved my mouth to it and took his semi-erect prick
 between my lips. I ran my tongue over his cockhead as I sucked
 more of his prick into my mouth. I tasted the remains of his cum
 as well as the flavor of my asshole. His prick stiffen under the
 workings of my mouth and lips. I was able to take the entire
 shaft down my throat I moved my head back and forth along his
 hard cock. I heard him unsnap a fastener, then felt his pants
 dropping against my cheek. I reached up and touched his balls. He
 took my head in his hands and guided my cocksucking movements. I
 continued to suck his cock from head to root. I flicked my tongue
 all along his shaft. I next time my lips were at his cockhead, I
 moved my mouth to the underside of his prick and licked down to
 the root. When I got there I sucked one of his balls into my
 mouth. I worked on his balls for a short time. I felt him move.
 He turned around and his ass was in my face. At this point, I
 would do anything. I spread his ass cheeks and searched for his
 ass hole with my tongue. When I found it, I licked, kissed and
 sucked at his tight asshole. I made my tongue as rigid as pos-
 sible and probed as far into his asshole with it as I could. The
 thought of kissing some Puerto Rican's ass was enough to make me
 come again.
 
      As I sucked his asshole I encircled his cock with my hand
 and jerked him off. When he had had enough of my ass sucking, he
 turned once more and my lips returned to his cock. This time. he
 held my head steady and fucked into my mouth. His cock pistoned
 in and out of my mouth rapidly. I used my tongue on his shaft as
 best I could. He suddenly buried my face in his pubic hair, his
 cock down my throat and shot his load of warm sticky cum into my
 mouth. I licked up every drop I could.
 
      He held my head and kept his cock in my mouth. I felt his
 prick go limp between my lips. He wouldn't let me get up. I was
 afraid the lights would come on and someone might turn around and
 see me on my knees, my sweater and bra opened, my breasts exposed
 and a Puerto Rican cock in my mouth. Still he held me there.
 Suddenly, I felt liquid flowing from his limp prick . He was
 pissing in my mouth. I tried to yell stop but his cock filled my
 mouth and muffled my protest. I had no choice but to try and
 swallow as much of his piss as I could.
 
      As his piss filled my mouth he began to withdraw his cock. I
 couldn't swallow fast enough and piss overflowed my mouth onto my
 chin and down my neck. Still pissing, he pulled out of my mouth
 and aimed his cock at my head. His pissed all over my face and my
 hair. The piss flow then moved down to my neck and chest. I don't
 know why, but I knelt in front of him obediently as he pissed on
 me. My only movement was to lift my breasts so they would get
 completely covered with his warm piss. He gave me my panties to
 hold open so he could piss on them also. When he was finished, I
 moved my tongue to his cockhead and licked it clean.
 
      With his hands, he motioned me to stand up. When I did, he
 lifted my skirt with one hand and took my panties in the other.
 By some actions he did, I knew he wanted me to put my panties,
 now soaked with his urine, back on. I re-tied the bows and
 slipped my panties on. His piss seeped into my cunt. I re-hooked
 my bra and buttoned my sweater as he let go of my skirt. I heard
 some cursing noises and people yelling `where are you going' and
 `what's that smell'. The lights came on a little while later. My
 Puerto Rican lover was gone. There was piss on my face and
 clothes. The train started to move. As it was now past the bad
 section of track it travelled at normal speed. People kept
 commenting on the smell. Fortunately, their backs were to me and
 they didn't realize it was me. At the next stop, I got off the
 train. I couldn't go to work looking the way I did. I got the
 first train back to Queens. As I was going against rush hour now,
 it was almost empty and I got a seat. As I sat thinking of what
 happened the last hour, someone sat down next to me. It was my
 Puerto Rican....
 
 
 
 
 
 At some stage during our Wednesday afternoon fuck, he died.
 
 I think I was aware that something had gone wrong but an
 instant's blank allowed me to convince myself that some
 remnant of early passion had returned.  I redoubled my
 efforts with delight.  What began as normal routine...me
 astride and doing all the work...he tied spreadeagled
 with silk scarves, became an adventure of unaccustomed
 grunts and bucks.  His movement had never been as good 
 as in these short moments and by the time his
 tongue protruded I was enjoying myself far too much to avoid
 the brink, then slide, of a rather wonderful orgasm.
 
 Until I collapsed, sweating on top of him...I avoided admitting
 that I felt no heartbeat.  After a short and horrified gag I 
 began to feel rather pleased.  The bastard had given me a 
 good ride for once, with a greater generosity of spirit than he
 ever excercised willingly.  In fact, I remember thinking rather
 gleefully that, as I had rather grown to hate him...I was well 
 pleased with his death and the fact that I had probably caused it.
 
 I slid off, kneeled beside him and studied him with
 interest, deciding that I rather liked him this way...especially
 as his prick, an almost unbelievably thick wadge, stood
 purple in a graceful arch proud from his belly.  Everyready!
 I giggled.  I would put batteries in his dick...a vibrator.
 
 Feeling that my inappropriate humour may be a little
 hysterical I trailed to the shower, running the spray hot
 and examining my feelings.  No, I definitely felt pleased
 and somewhat excited.  Fond thoughts arose and I tiptoed to
 the door...ready for the disappointment he may have rallied,
 be grizzling for release.  Delightfully he remained still.
 
 Suddenly hungry I skipped through the bedroom.  I wagged my
 finger playfully, "You stay here, dear, you hear!".  I
 laughed all the way down the stairs, filled a plate with
 cold chicken and salads and returned.  I ate sitting
 crosslegged beside him, studying his body.  His tongue was
 disconcerting, swollen and purple.  Like his dick.  I
 thought about this while I gnawed a chicken leg and found I
 was sliding it slowly on my lips.  The cold felt good.  I
 wondered if he would get cold...I wondered how long he would
 last.  I wondered, eyeing his prick, if it would remain
 erect.  My head slid a little, trying to remember anatomy,
 biology, anything.  
 
 I found I had lowered the drumstick and was rubbing it
 thoughtfully  along my thigh, then slit.  It felt good, cold
 and fleshy...like a corpse?  Well, he would not mind surely.
 I straddled him rubbing against his shaft.  It did not feel
 the same,  more like rubber...no pulse or shift...a
 dildo.  Yes a dildo.  Not terribly excited I experimently
 thrust on it and it slid in smoothly.  I poked his chest.
 The dark curling hair felt right and sprang cutely against
 my fingers but the flesh dented, a small dip which 
 bounced back slowly.  I began to feel really
 comfortable.  I bore down on him with little circling
 movements, at my leisure.  He usually demanded I move
 differently, to please him.  I pleased myself now, surprised
 that his generously proportioned member could so
 quickly afford me cuntal joy...and at my pace, not his.
 
 Suddenly I felt a great love overlay the lust.  One thing I
 denied him in life I could give him in death...a love gift
 and with trembling I slipped off and turned...lowering
 myself on his bulging tongue.  It reminded me of the
 fat oxtongues hefted by the butcher, and it rolled solidly
 across my perking clitoris.  "Oh eat me" I breathed and
 plumped solidly on his mouth.  The tongue sprang firmly
 along my slit.  I parted my labia further with a shaking
 hand and with slightly sick excitement realised that I was
 drenching my fingers, I had never poured so wet.  His tongue
 was shining with benedictory juices.  I pulled it
 to me; it baulked and I forced it firmly, roundly bundling
 in my nook.   At that stalled moment I came, pulsing firmly
 I could feel the rhythm clench its swolleness.  The prick
 stared at me in one-eyed approval.
 
 I loved him so much in those gasping moments I thought I
 might pass with him into corpse-peace.
 
 Afterwards I cleaned him.  Gently wiping his tongue with a
 warm flannel, cooing soft reassurances as I stroked his
 prick of my greases.  
 
 I dozed in the big wing chair, waking protective.  I
 realised, as the heat wore off the day that he would not
 last long and hurriedly enjoyed his stiffening edges in
 using abandonment, thanking him with grateful sobs and
 carresses.  
 
 Much later I grew afraid, anxious as the hours passed,
 seeking signs of deterioration, smells, putrification.
 I scoured his private den, his library, but found no
 information.  With huge regret I returned with the only 
 solution to maintaining him, for me...a sharp knife.  
 
 I broiled his tongue, adding majoram and a little red wine
 to the stock.  His prick and balls I diced, mixed with feta
 and spinach and baked, wrapped in filo pastry.  At dawn I
 packed the small wicker hamper with crispy rolls and a
 bottle of chilled Chablis and I went to White Sands to
 picnic.  I never wasted a crumb...I was careful to absorb
 all of him as I had never been allowed to do while he lived.

Dear All,
  I was recently sent a very long list of baby jokes, most 
of which I had heard many times before, and have probably 
related to all of you. Below, however, are the ones that 
were totally new to me. If any of you have heard these 
before, many apologies, if you have not, then enjoy.
  MAC.

 
 What's grosser than 100 babies in a garbage can?
 - One baby in 100 garbage cans.
 
 How do you fit 200 dead babies into a phone booth?
 -Use A Blender.
 
 How do you get them out?
 -Tortillas.
 
 How do you make a baby float?
 -One glass of Root Beer and two scoops of baby.
  if on a diet use only one scoop.
 
 Why do you stick a baby in a blender feet first?
 - So you can see his expression on his face and listen to 
the scream.
 
 What's grosser than gross?
 - A pile of dead babies.
 
 What's grosser than that?
 - one's alive underneath.
 
 What's grosser than that?
 - He's eating his way out.
 
 What's even grosser than that?
 - He makes it.
 
 What's even grosser than that?
 - He goes back for a friend.
 
 What's red, white, stringy, and hangs from trees?
 - Baby that's been hit by a snowblower.
 
 What's more fun than throwing a baby off a cliff?
 - Catching it with a pitchfork
 
 What's pink and goes red with a "SNAP!"?
 - A baby in a bear trap
 
 What's pink and goes black with a "HISS!"?
 - A baby being thrown into a furnace.
 
 How do you save a baby from drowning?
 -Take your foot off its head
 
 What's the definition of fun?
 -Playing "fetch" with a pit bull using a baby 
 
 What is better than nailing a baby to a fence?
 -Pulling it off.
 
 How do you stop a baby swinging on a clothesline?
 -With a shovel.
 
 What is pink and goes red at the press of a button?
 -Baby in a blender.
 
 How do you get it out of the blender?
 -With a straw.
 
 What cries a lot and goes round in circles?
 -A baby with one foot nailed to the floor.
 
 What is the advantage of being a test tube baby?
 -A womb with a view.
 
 What is the worst part of being a test tube baby?
 -You know your dads a wanker.
 
 What's the difference between a white baby and a black 
baby?
 -About 10 minutes in a microwave.

 What's pink, goes red and gets smaller and smaller?
 -Baby with a potato peeler.
 
 What's the difference between a baby and a onion?
 -No one cries when you cut up a baby  
 
 Whats's the difference between a baby and a trampoline?
 -You take your steel capped boots off to jump on a 
trampoline
 
 What do you have if you see twenty babies up to their 
ecks in sand?
 -Not enough sand.
 
 What's red and wrapped in newspaper?
 -Abortion of chips. (included 'cause it was sort of 
baby-related....)


100 WAYS TO FREAK OUT YOUR ROOMMATE

1.  Smoke jimson weed.  Do whatever comes naturally.
2.  Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.
3.  Twitch a lot.
4.  Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.
5.  Steal a fishtank.  Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. 
Talk to them.
6.  Become a subgenius.
7.  Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.
8.  Learn to levitate.  While your roommate is looking away, float up 
out of your seat.  When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.
10.  Move you roommate's personal effects around.  Start subtlely.
Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he
9.  Speak in tongues.
owns to the ceiling.
11.  Walk and talk backwards.
12.  Spend all your money on Jolt Cola.  Drink it all.  Stack the 
cans in the middle of your room.  Number them.
13.  Spend all your money on Transformers.  Play with them at night.  
If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, 
"They're more than meets the eye."
14.  Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road Warrior," "Repo 
Man,"Casablanca,") almost inaudibly.
15.  Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arias 
on a kazoo.  If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your 
performance art class (or hit him/her with the wrench).
16.  Collect all your urine in a small jug.
17.  Chain yourself to your roommate's bed.  Get him/her to bring you 
food.
18.  Get a computer.  Leave it on when you are not using it.  Turn it 
off when you are.
19.  Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple 
of weeks."
20.  Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can.  Pretend 
to masturbate while reading them.
21.  Fake a heart attack.  When your roommate gets the paramedics to 
come, pretend nothing happened.
22.  Eat glass.
23.  Smoke ballpoint pens.
24.  Smile.  All the time.
25.  Collect dog shit in baby food jars.  Sort them according to what 
you think the dog ate.
26.  Burn all your waste paper while eying your roommate suspiciously.
27.  Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash 
can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash.  Find the food, and 
eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, 
demand that s/he reimburse you.
28.  Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk.  Include a 
list of grievances.
29.  Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns.
30.  Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is 
turned, and then look away quickly.
31.  Dye all your underwear lime green.
32.  Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed.  Swim.
33.  Bye three loaves of stale bread.  Grow mold in the closet.
34.  Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet.  Accuse
him/her of stealing it.
35.  Remove your door.  Ship it to your roommate's parents (postage 
due).
36.  Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster.  Sacrifice something nasty.
37.  Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand 
up. Announce that you are going to take a shower.  Do so.  Keep this up 
for three weeks.
38.  Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser.
Refuse to discuss them.
39.  Paint your half of the room black.  Or paisley.
40.  Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that 
start with "Didja ever wonder why...."  Be creative.
41.  Shave one eyebrow.
42.  Put your mattress underneath your bed.  Sleep down under there 
and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe.  If your roommate 
comments, mutter "Gotta save space," twenty times while twitching 
violently.
43.  Put horseradish in your shoes.
44.  Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall.  Complain 
loudly that you can never find the book that you want.
45.  Always flush the toilet three times.
46.  Subsist entirely on pickles for a week.  Vomit often.
47.  Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and play 
it at least 6 hours a day.  If your roommate complains, explain that it's 
an assignment for your primitive cultures class.
48.  Give him/her an allowance.
49.  Listen to radio static.
50.  Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night.  
Close them as soon as you wake up.
51. Cry a lot.
52. Send secret admirer notes on your roommate's blitzmail.
53. Clip your fingernails and toenails and keep them in a baggie. 
Leave the baggie near your computer and snack from it while 
studying. If he/she walks by, grab the bag close and eye him/her 
suspiciously.
54. Paste used kleenexes to his/her walls.
55. Whenever your roomate comes in from the shower, lower your eyes 
and giggle to yourself.
56. If you get in before your roomate, go to sleep in his/her bed.
57. Put pornos under his/her bed. Whenever someone comes to visit 
your roommate when they're not home, show them the magazines.
58. Whenever you go to sleep, start jumping on your bed . . . do so 
for a while, then jump really high and act like you hit your head on the 
ceiling. Crumple onto your bed and fake like you were knocked out . . 
use this method to fall asleep every night for a month.
59. If your roommate goes away for a weekend, change the locks.
60. Whenever his/her parents call and ask for your roommate, breathe 
into the phone for 5 seconds then hang up.
61. Whenever he/she goes to shower, drop whatever you're doing, grab 
a towel, and go shower too.
62. Find out your roommate's post office box code. Open it and take 
his/her mail. Do this for one month. After that, send the mail to him/her by 
UPS.
63. Collect all of your pencil shavings and sprinkle them on the 
floor.
64. Create an imaginary cat for a pet. Talk to it every night, act 
like you're holding it, keep a litter box under your desk. After two 
weeks, say that your cat is missing. Put up signs in your dorm, blame 
your roommate.
65. Call safety & security whenever your roommate turns up his/her 
music.
66. Follow him/her around on weekends.
67. Sit on the floor and talk to the wall.
68. Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the door.
69. Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone.
70. Take his/her underwear. Wear it.
71. Whenever your roommate is walking through the room, bump into 
72. Stare at your roommate for five minutes out of every hour. Don't 
him/her.
say anything, just stare.
73. Tell your roommate that someone called and said that it was 
really important but you can't remember who it was.
74. Let mice loose in his/her room.
75. Give each of your walls a different name. Whenever you can't 
answer a problem, ask each of your walls. Write down their responses, 
then ask your ceiling for the final answer. Complain to your roommate 
that you don't trust your ceiling.
76. Take your roommate's papers and hand them in as your own.
77. Skip to the bathroom.
78. Take all of your roommate's furniture and build a fort. Guard the 
fort for an entire weekend.
79. Gather up a garbage bag full of leaves and throw them in a pile 
in his/her room. Jump in them. Comment about the beautiful foilage.
80. When you walk into your room, turn off your lights. Turn them on 
when you leave.
81. Print up satanic signs and leave them in your room where he/she 
can find them.
82. Whenever you're on the phone and he/she walks in, hang up 
immediately without saying anything and crawl under your desk. Sit 
there for two minutes than call whoever it was back.
83. Insist on writing the entire lyrics to American Pie on your 
ceiling above your bed. Sing them every night before you go to bed.
84. Use a bible as kleenex. Yell at your roommate if they say Jesus 
or God Damnit.
85. Burn incense.
86. Eat moths.
87. Buy Sea Monkeys and grow them. Name one after your roommate. 
Announce the next day that that one died. Name another one after your 
roommate. The next day say that it died. Keep this up until they all die.
88. Collect Chia-Pets.
89. Refuse to communicate in anything but sign language.
90. Eat a bag of marshmellows before you go to bed. The next day, 
spray three bottles of whip cream all over your floor. Say you got sick.
91. Wipe deoderant all over your roommate's walls.
92. If you know that he/she is in the room, come barging in out of 
breath. Ask if they saw a fat bald naked Tibetan man run through 
carrying a hundred dollar bill. Run back out swearing.
93. Leave apple cores on his/her bed.
94. Keep feces in your fridge. Complain that there is never anything 
to eat.
95. Piss in a jar and leave it by your bed. When your roommate isn't 
looking, replace it with a jar of apple juice. Wait until your 
roommate turns around. Drink it.
96. Don't ever flush.
97. Buy an inflatable doll. Sleep with it.
98. Hang stuffed animals with nooses from your ceiling. Whenever you 
walk by them mutter, "You shouldn't have done that to me."
99. Lick him/her while they are asleep.
GOVERNMENT HEALTH WARNING :
reading this message may damage your health.
100. Dress in drag.


Please do not attempt this without the use of protective
garments and the correct safety procedures.
Please extinguish all naked people before entering,
and don't forget to breath.

One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, 
 "Lord, I have a problem."
      
 "What's the problem, Adam?", God replies.
      
 "Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with 
 this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not 
 happy"
      
 "Why is that, Adam?", comes the reply from the heavens.
      
 "Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and 
 all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."
      
 "Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution.  I shall create a woman 
 for you."
      
 "What's a 'woman', Lord?"
      
 "This woman will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful 
 creature I have ever created.  She will be so intelligent that she can figure 
 out what you want before you want it.  She will be so sensitive and caring 
 that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy.  Her beauty will 
 rival that of the heavens and earth.  She will unquestioningly care for your 
 every need and desire.  She will be the perfect companion for you.", replies 
 the heavenly voice.
      
 "Sounds great."
      
 "She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."
      
 "How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?", Adam replies.
      
 "She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and your 
 left testicle."
      
 Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on 
 his face. Finally Adam says to God, "Ehhh, what can I get for a rib?"
      
 The rest, as they say, is history.



Top Ten Sexually Tilted Lines from Star Wars
   
   Top Ten Sexually Tilted Lines in "Star Wars: A New Hope"
   
   
   
   10. "She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts,
   kid."
   
   9. "Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!"
   
   8. "Look at the size of that thing!"
   
   7. "Sorry about the mess..."
   
   6. "You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought."
   
   5. "Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?"
   
   4. "You've got something jammed in here real good."
   
   3. "Put that thing away before you get us all killed!"
   
   2. "Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in
   time?"
   
   1. "Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care *what* you smell!"
   
   
   
   Top Ten Sexually Tilted Lines in "Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back"
   
   
   10. "And I thought they smelled bad...on the outside!"
   
   9. "Possible he came in through the south entrance."
   
   8. "I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up
   like that, huh kid?"
   
   7. "Hurry up, golden-rod..."
   
   6. "That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a while."
   
   5. "But now we must eat. Cum, good food, cumm.."
   
   4. "Control, control! You must learn control!"
   
   3. "There's an awful lot of moisture in here."
   
   2. "Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?"
   
   1. "I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me!"
   
   
   
   Top 10 Sexually Stilted Lines from Return of the Jedi
   
   10. And hurry up, will ya? I haven't got all day!
   
   9. Hey! Point that thing someplace else!
   
   8. It'll work. It'll work.
   
   7. Rise, my friend.
   
   6. Hey, don't worry; Chewie and I got into a lot of places more
   heavily guarded than this.
   
   5. I need more men.
   
   4. I think you'll fit in nicely.
   
   3. Move closer! Get along side that one!
   
   2. Back door, huh? Good idea.
   
   1. She's gonna blow!



A WORD FOR ALL SEASONS


 FUCK: Our most versatile word. By it's stress and inflection it can describe
 emotions; no other word can be used with so many grammatical nuances. It can
 be used as a noun (don't give a fuck), as an adjective (It's a fucking beauty
 !), as a verb in it's transitive form (the game was fucked up by the weather)
 , and in it's intransitive form (he well and truly fucked it up), in the past
 tense (I was fucked), in the present tense (I am fucked), and in the future
 tense (I'll be fucked). Many everyday expressions show it's true versatility:


 Denial          I didn't fucking do it.
 Perplexity      I know fuck all about it.
 Apathy          Who gives a fuck anyway.
 Greetings       How the fuck are you.
 Resignation     Oh fuck it.
 Derision        He fucks everything up.
 Suspicion       Who the fuck are you?
 Panic           Let's get the fuck out of here.
 Directions      Fuck off.
 Disbelief       How the fuck did you do that?

 It has been used by some very notable people throughout history, the more
 well known being:

 What the fuck was that?                         Mayor of Hiroshima
 Look at all those fucking Indians!              General Custer
 Where the fuck's that water coming from?   Herald of Free Enterprise Captain
 That's not a real fucking gun!                  John Lennon
 The fucking throttle's stuck!                   Donald Campbell
 Who's going to fucking know?                    President Nixon
 Scattered showers, my fucking arse              Noah
 I don't suppose it's fucking raining            Joan of Arc
 What fucking map                                Mark Thatcher
 Watch him, he'll have someone's fucking eye out   King Harold
 Who let that fucking woman drive?               Space shuttle Captain
 I thought I could smell fucking petrol          Nikki Lauda
 What fucking log                                Richard Branson
 You want what on the fucking ceiling            Michaelangelo
 Why? Because it's fucking there                 Edmund Hilary
 How the fuck do you work that out?              Pythagoras
 What a way to make a fucking living             Cynthia Payne
 She's just a fucking secretary                  Cecil Parkinson
 I haven't got a fucking clue                    0Miss Marple

 Enjoy!



--
If you please yourself, at least you are pleasing somebody.


Subject: 12 Days 

     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
     December 14, 1995
     
     Dearest John,
     I went to the door today and the postman delivered a Partridge in a
     Pear Tree.  What a thoroughly delightful gift.  I couldn't have been 
     more surprised.
     With deepest love and affection,
     Aberdeen
     
     December 15, 1995
     
     Dearest John,
     Today the postman brought your very sweet gift.  Just imagine, Two
     Turtle Doves!  I'm delighted at your very thoughtful gift.  They are 
     just adorable.  You big silly, what next?
     All my love,
     Aberdeen
     
     December 16,1995
     
     Dear John,
     Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one!  Now I really must protest.  I
     don't deserve such generosity--Three French Hens.  They are just 
     darling, but I must insist, you've been too kind.
     Love,
     Aberdeen
     
     December 17, 1995
     
     Dear John,
     Today the postman delivered Four Calling Birds.  Now, really,
     they're beautiful but don't you think enough is enough?  You're being 
     too romantic.
     Affectionately,
     Aberdeen
     
     December 18,1995
     
     Dearest John,
     What a surprise!  Today the postman delivered Five Golden Rings; one
     for every finger.  You're just impossible, but I love it.  Frankly, 
     all these birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
     All my love,
     Aberdeen
     
     December 19, 1995
     
     Dear John,
     When I opened the door there were actually Six Geese A-Laying on my
     front steps.  So you're back to the birds again, huh?  Those geese are 
     huge.
     Where will I ever keep them?  The neighbors are complaining, and I 
     can't sleep through the racket.  Please Stop.
     Cordially,
     Aberdeen
     
     December 20, 1995
     
     John:
     What's with you and those fucking birds?  Seven Swans-A-Swimming.
     What kind of goddamn joke is this?  There's bird shit all over the 
     house, and they never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night, 
     and I'm a nervous wreck.  It's not funny , so stop with those fucking 
     birds.
     Sincerely,
     Aberdeen
     
     December 21, 1995
     
     Okay Buster:
     I think I prefer the birds.  What the hell am I going to do with
     Eight Maids-A-Milking?  It's not enough with all those birds and 
     maids-a-milking, but they had to bring their goddamn cows.  There's 
     shit 
     all
     over the lawn, and I can't move in my own house.  What are you doing 
     to 
     me?
     Just lay off me, smart-ass!
     
     Aberdeen
     
     December 22, 1995
     
     Hey Shithead:
     What are you, some kind of sadist?  Now there's Nine Pipers Playing.
     And Christ, do they play!  They've never stopped chasing those maids 
     since
     they got here yesterday morning.  The cows are getting upset and 
     they're stepping all over those screeching birds.  What am I going to 
     do?  The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
     You'll get yours,
     Aberdeen
     
     December 23, 1995
     
     You Rotten Prick:
     Now there's Ten Ladies Dancing.  I don't know why they call those
     sluts ladies.  They have been balling those pipers all night long.  
     Now 
     the
     cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea.  My living room is a river 
     of shit.  The commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give 
     cause why 
     the
     building shouldn't be condemned.  I'm going to sic the police on you.
     One who means it,
     Venomously,
     Aberdeen
     
     December 24, 1995
     
     Listen Fuckhead:
     What's with the Eleven Lords-A-Leaping on those maids and ladies?
     Some of those broads will never walk again.  Those pipers ran through 
     the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows.  All 
     twenty-three 
     birds
     are dead.  They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're 
     satisfied, you rotten, viscious swine.
     You're sworn enemy,
     Aberdeen
     
     Law Offices
     Badger, Bander, and Cajole
     
     December 26, 1995
     
     Dear Sir,
     This is to acknowledge your latest gift of Twelve Fiddler's
     Fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss 
     Aberdeen McHolstein.  The destruction, of course, was total.  All 
     correspondence should come to our attention.  If you should attempt to 
     reach Miss McHolstein at the Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants 
     have instructions to shoot you on sight.  With this letter, please find 
     attached a warrant for your arrest.
     
     Cordially,
     
     Badger, Bender, and Cajole


...Well you've heard of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.....   well here's what really 
happened.

Once upon a time in a far away land lived Seven very short brothers called Warf, who 
through their riotous and unkind behavior became known as The Devious Warfs or DeWarfs 
for short.

The DeWarfs were the meanest bunch of no good arse holes in the land. They were wanted 
men, they were men on the run.

Two years before hand the Seven brothers had held up the local bank. This had taken them 
years to plan, and whilst doing so they had decided to call each other by an alien name, 
one that would mean nothing to the police. 

After days of argument the brothers agreed on a set of  names.

They took care to make sure that each  brother suited the name he was given so that they 
would be clear about who was who.

The leader of the gang was the most psychotic brother of them all.....
...While playing happily in the playground at primary school one morning he became aware 
of a group of children making their way towards him carrying what looked like basket from 
the P.E. shed, intrigued by this he waited for them to get closer to satisfy his mind.

He was not liked very much at school some how he just didn't seem to fit in, the other 
kids jeered and laughed at him. 

The crowd got closer, the basket they were carrying was packed full of beanbags of various 
colours and sizes. Thinking his luck had changed and the kids were coming to play with him 
he welcomed them with open arms........

......before he knew what had happened he was set about by two boys who knocked him to 
the ground and pinned him against the cold asphalt, a girl yanked his head back while 
another squeezed his nose and held on tight. Moments later his mouth flew open and a 
smile crept across the faces of the remaining children. Quickly they began stuffing the 
multicolored beanbags in his mouth pausing only to release his nose for him to breath 
before continuing with the onslaught. One child stood slightly back from the rest holding 
a clipboard, and using the theory he had been taught in mathematics he began to record 
data as to the shape, colour and amount of beanbags had actually been used.

As the tally chart reached thirty-two, the sound of the breaktime whistle was carried 
through the air. Quick as a flash the crowd was dispersed. And left in one corner of 
the playground was a slumped figure with what looked like vomit spurting forth from its 
top.

They rushed him to hospital, but the news was not good, the bags were packed tightly 
into his jaw, this made communicating a little difficult.

The doctors all agreed that they would have to cut up the cheeks from the corner of the 
mouth to the ear to be able to release the now soggy Thirty-Two beanbags.

This operation had his consequences on his physical features, let alone the psychological 
damage. He was left with two scars up each side of his face which made him look like he 
had a permanent smile on his face.....

....And thus they named him "HAPPY"

The second brother, whilst out on tank maneuvers with his local A.T.C. club, was busy 
listening for the sound of the attacking tanks with his ear to the ground, unfortunately 
he had forgotten that he was deaf in his left ear, the approaching tank, from behind him, 
did not see him camouflaged against the long grass and shrubs, Moments later the tank came 
trundling over this head, squashing it quite flat, leaving him somewhat dazed.

The child reached hospital only to find that his head would no longer fit through doors 
in the normal fashion.

Next he was rushed to the local petrol garage, where the air pump nozzle was fixed into 
his mouth in order to re-inflate his head, this operation was fairly successful.... however 
it left the brother with sight problem, he became a little slow on the uptake....a little 
dim !

And thus they named him...."DOPEY"

The third and fourth brothers attained their names as a result on the same incident. 

For Christmas one year the third brother had been bought a "Jonny Ball" chemistry set, 
he had been happily following simple experiments in the manual to make crystallization's, 
but soon got bored with this, so he decided to go into medicine. He mixed together all the 
chemicals in his kit plus a few household extras such as bleach and lemon juice and his 
dad's "For Men" hair growth lotion. He mixed the whole lot up in a large saucepan and 
left it to simmer for three and a half minutes.

Once the potion was made he reached a problem... ...he had nobody to test his new medicine 
on... ..or did he?

He called the forth brother over and persuaded him to try his concoction.

Well as you may expect it had an interesting effect.
In fact it had a negative effect.. the fourth brother fell ill and never got rid of the 
cold that he got. he was left with a characteristic sneeze.

And hence the third brother was called "DOC"

And the fourth brother was called "SNEEZEY"

The fifth brother always seemed to be able to pull anything in a skirt, it had been 
estimated that he had shagged at least four hundred and fifty girls since he turned 
fifteen, he was forced to have constant sex with anything he met, this made him tired... 
very tired.

And thus they called him "SLEEPY"

This severely pissed off the Sixth brother who was around his age, because of this he 
was constantly quiet and got in the most terrible moods.

And thus they named him "GRUMPY"

The last brother never did anything and so he just got called "SHYFUL"

However this sounded too much like "SHITEFUL" or full of shite, so they changed it to 
"BASHFUL"
The last thing they did was to make some disguises for the hold up. They decided on 
colourful Elf suits and great big hairy white beards.

They day came for the hold up at the bank. It was a dull and dreadful scene, the brothers 
got away, but were recognized by a man who used to take "GRUMPY" for G.C.S.E geography, he 
was not happy about this, it put him in one of his moods. 

So it was agreed that they would have to go into hiding.

They chose a large wood near a small mine.

They lived here for a couple of years till one day a young lady came wondering through the 
wood.

She was delirious as she lurched over towards the cottage and fell through the door braking 
it clean off the hinges.
She collapses on the and vomits all over the sitting room carpet.

The girls name was Tracy Brown from Essex.

In the cottage the brothers had been doing the washing and because they washed only once a 
month each brother had to were his disguise to be able to wash the rest of his wardrobe.

As the Tracy awoke she was surrounded by the brothers all dressed up in their disguises.

They sat her up at the table but were unable to get any sense out of her.

She pulled a small plastic bag from her inside jacket pocket and poured some of its 
contents onto the table, the white powder slumped into a heap, she resealed the bag and 
placed it back into her pocket. From her jeans she withdrew her National Insurance card 
and a piece of multicolored paper which looked like a ticket. 

She began to manipulate the powder with the National Insurance card and eventually sculpted 
it into two parallel lines of powder about five centimeters long and two apart, using the 
coloured paper she rolled it into a tube and in seconds she sniffed it up alternate 
nostrils.... ....seconds later she collapsed, unconscious again.

The brothers gasped in amazement, and not knowing the girls name they named her 
"SNOW WHITE"

And then the story goes on from there...........

Cheers.

Geoff.


Sexual Tension Quiz

Instructions: For each answer, you will have three clues. Try
to determine what the object or thing is that is being
described. For every correct answer you give, give yourself 2
points, for every incorrect answer deduct 2 points.

If you score less than 14 points, you are in need of more
sex. If you score between 14 points and 21 points, you are in
need of more love. If you score over 21 points, you are
classed as having a great sex experience. Now please begin.

"CLUES"

1. I am a protrusion that comes in many sizes.
   When I'm not well, I drip.
   When you blow me, you feel good.

2. I'm spread before I'm eaten.
   Your tongue gets me off.
   People sometimes lick my nuts.

3. I assist an erection.
   Sometimes big balls hang from me.
   I'm called a big swinger.

4. Over 1,000 people went down on me.
   I wasn't maiden for long.
   A big hard thing ripped me open.

5. You stick your poles inside me.
   You tie me down to get me up.
   I get wet before you do.

6. When I go in I cause pain.
   I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow.
   I can fill your hole.

7. A finger goes in me.
   You fiddle with me when you're bored.
   The best man always has me first.

8. All day long, it's in and out.
   I discharge loads from my shaft.
   Both men and women go down on me.

9. I go in hard.
   I come out soft.
   You blow me hard.

10. If I miss, I hit your bush.
    It's my job to stuff your box.
    When I come, it's news.

11. I offer Protection.
    I get the finger ten times.
    You use your fingers to get me off.

12. I have a stiff shaft.
    My tip penetrates.
    I come with a quiver.

13. My business is briefs.
    I am a cunning linguist.
    I plead and plead for it.

14. I make some guys shoot in the air.
    I usually have a little pecker.
    I'm better in your hand than in your bush.

(answers below)




















Answers:

1. nose 2. peanut butter 3. crane 4. Titanic 5. tent
6. dentist 7. wedding ring 8. elevator 9. chewing gum
10. newspaper boy 11. glove 12. arrow 13. attorney

                         oooo$$$$$$$$$$$$$oooo
                      oo$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$o
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   o $ oo        o$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$o       $$ $$ $$o$
oo $ $ "$      o$$$$$$$$$    $$$$$$$$$$$$$    $$$$$$$$$o       $$$o$$o$
"$$$$$$o$     o$$$$$$$$$      $$$$$$$$$$$      $$$$$$$$$$o    $$$$$$$$
  $$$$$$$    $$$$$$$$$$$      $$$$$$$$$$$      $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
  $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$    $$$$$$$$$$$$$    $$$$$$$$$$$$$$  """$$$
   "$$$""""$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$     "$$$
    $$$   o$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$     "$$$o
   o$$"   $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$       $$$o
   $$$    $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$" "$$$$$$ooooo$$$$o
  o$$$oooo$$$$$  $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$   o$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
  $$$$$$$$"$$$$   $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$     $$$$""""""""
 """"       $$$$    "$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$"      o$$$
            "$$$o     """$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$"$$"         $$$
              $$$o          "$$""$$$$$$""""           o$$$
               $$$$o                                o$$$"
                "$$$$o      o$$$$$$o"$$$$o        o$$$$
                  "$$$$$oo     ""$$$$o$$$$$o   o$$$$""
                     ""$$$$$oooo  "$$$o$$$$$$$$$"""
                        ""$$$$$$$oo $$$$$$$$$$
                                """"$$$$$$$$$$$
                                    $$$$$$$$$$$$
                                     $$$$$$$$$$"
                                      "$$$""""


 ---------
The origination of this letter is unknown, but It brings good luck to
everyone who passes it on. The one who breaks the chain will have bad
luck. Do not keep this letter.  Do not send money.  Just forward it to five
of your  friends to whom you wish good luck.
You will see that something good  happens to you four days from now if
the chain is not broken.  You will receive good luck in four days.


Anne Marie Chu


TOP TWENTY REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER 
 THAN SEX:
  1)      You can GET chocolate.
  2)      "If you love me you'll swallow 
           that"  has real meaning with
           chocolate.
  3)      Chocolate satisfies even when it 
            has gone soft.
  4)      You can safely have chocolate while 
           you are driving.
  5)      You can make chocolate last as long 
           as you want it to.
  6)      You can have chocolate even in 
           front of your mother.
  7)      If you bite the nuts too hard the 
           chocolate won't mind.
  8)     Two people of the same sex can have 
          chocolate without being
          called nasty names.
  9)      The word "commitment" doesn't scare 
            off chocolate.
  10)     You can have chocolate on top of 
             your  workbench/desk during working
             hours without upsetting your 
            co-workers.
  11)     You can ask a stranger for 
            chocolate without getting your face
             slapped.
  12)     You don't get hairs in your mouth 
             with chocolate.
  13)     With chocolate there's no need to 
            fake it.
  14)     Chocolate doesn't make you 
            pregnant.
  15)     You can have chocolate at any time 
             of  the month.
  16)     Good chocolate is easy to find.
  17)     You can have as many kinds of 
             chocolate as you can handle.
  18)     You are never too young or too old 
             for chocolate.
  19)     When you have chocolate it does not 
             keep your neighbors awake.
20)     With chocolate size doesn't matter.

     Send this to 5 people or your heart will 
 be broken in the next 24 hours.
     This has been proven to work.  It has 
 traveled around the world 50
     times in the past 2 weeks, and over 300 
 couples have broken up.
      So, if you have ever wanted to fall in 
 love, or if you want to keep 
     whatever you have now going, all I gotta
 say is get to sendin'...

Two guys were having a beer after work one day, enjoying casual 
conversation. One says the the other, "Did you say
something that really came out the wrong way and embarrassed the hell 
out of you? Just the other day, I was at the airport on
my way to a conference. The lady at the ticket counter was a real 
knockout, with a low cut blouse and short skirt. What I
meant to say was "I need one round trip to Pittsburgh", but what I 
really said was "I need one round trip picket to Tittsburgh."
Boy, was I embarassed!"

"Yeah, I know what you mean", replied his buddy. "Yesterday morning I 
was having breakfast with my wife. What I meant to
say was "Honey, would you please pass the sugar?" But what I really said 
was "You dumb fucking cunt! My life has been
miserable since the day we met."



Directions : Start pressing the space bar quite quickly.
                      "Actually it works best by pressing page 
 down"-NASKI
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
                               ___
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                |_|_                       #    #
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
                 / \__
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                 |_|_                      #    #
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
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                  |_|_                     #    #
 
 
 
 
 
 
  
 
 
 
                 
            Yorkshireman
 
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                   |_|_                    #    #
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
               Yorkhireman
 
                    / \__
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                    \ /                   _____/ '_>
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                    |_|_                   #    #
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
                 Yorkshireman
 
                     / \__
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                     \ /                  _____/ '_>
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                     |_|_                  #    #
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
                      / \__
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                      / \
                      | |                       Uh Oh! 
                      | |                       ___
                      \ /                 _____/ '_>
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                      |_|_                 #    #
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
                       / \__
                       \ /
                       / \
                       | |                      Uh Oh! 
                       | |                      ___
                       \ /                _____/ '_>
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                       |_|_                #    #
    
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
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                        |_|_               #    #
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
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                         |_|_              #    #
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
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                          |_|_             #    #
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
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                               |_|_        #    #
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
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                                \ / /     _____/ '_>
                                | |o     /        \
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                                |_|_       #    #
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
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                                 \ / /    _____/ '_>
                                 | |o    /        \
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                                 |_|_      #    #
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
                                 
                                 
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                                  | -----   #    #
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
                                 
 
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                                 | -----   #    #
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
                                 
                                 
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                                      / /  \\___/ '_>
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                                  | -----   #    #
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
                                 
                                 
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                                        \ /
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                                      / /\\     ___
                                     / /  \\___/ '_>
                                     | | /        \
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                                 | -----   #    #
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
                                 
                                 
                                         / \__
                                         \ /
                                        / /
                                       / /\\     ___
                                      / /  \\___/ '_>
                                      | | /        \
                                   __ | | \________/
                                  | -----   #    #
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
                                   The End
  
 
                             Directed by Jonathan Smith
                         
                               Starring Fireman Sam
 
 
 
 
 
 
 See Ya !!!                           
 (c)AJH95 / SUNSHINE CREW


Subject: How to Be a Guy 
 
                              Rules To Be A Man
                 (100 ways to keep your Testosterone flowing)
 
 1. Don't call, ever.
 
 2. If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her
    figure it out by herself.
 
 3. Lie.
 
 4. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal,
    such as "spike".

 5. If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you
    mailed it to them.
 
 6. Here's a good pickup line, "My girlfiend's pregnant, will you go out
    with me?"
 
 9. Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a nice grunt
    will do.
 
 10. Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn't
    our fault.
 
 11. Lie.
 
 12. Girls find it attractive if a man has had more women than baths.
 
 13. Never ask for help.  Even if you really, really need help- don't ask.
     People will think you have no penis.
 
 14. Women like it when you ignore them.  It arouses them.
 
 15. Vanity is the most important trait for a man to have.  Whenever you
     pass a reflective surface, check you hair, clothing, etc.
 
 16. If you don't like a girl, but can't think of a good enough reason
     why, just come up with trite, meaningless explanations like, "I don't
     know. I just don't like her personality."
 
 18. TWO WORDS:  Hack and spit.
 
 19. Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine.
 
 20. One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best friend. 
     She will then see what she's missing and love you for not giving up on her.

 21. Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1.
 
 22. Say things like "Wha...?"
 
 23. Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend picked it
     out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks.
 
 24. Lie.
 
 25. Deny everthing. Everything.
 
 26. Good break up line, "It's not you, it's me."
 
 27. If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her.  Because
     if any of your female friends like you, they'll really want to know.
 
 28. Don't have a clue.
 
 29. If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it.
 
 30. No means yes.
 
 31. Yes means no.
 
 32. If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel.
     Enforce this rule at all times.

 33. If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions and
     locations. Improvise.

 34. Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak, sex often
     signifies the end of a relationship.
 
 35. Feelings?  What feelings?
 
 36. Tell this to your girl before you have sex, "Don't worry.  If you
     don't have an orgasm, you won't get pregnant."
 
 37. Life is one big competition.  If someone is better than you at
     anything, either pretend it's not true or kick some ass.

 38. Lie I tell you!!
 
 39. DO NOT make decisions about relationships.  If you are backed into a
     corner and must make a decision, stall.  If you still must come up
     with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape.  Example:
        Question:  "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?"
        Answer:  "Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce each day."

 40. Every sentence that anyone says can be contorted to have sexual
     meaning.  Do so.

 41. At any given opportunity, point out how things look like various
     genitalia.  If, by chance, you have Play-Doh, make sure you make an
     exact replica of your penis.  Measure to make sure it's right.
 
 42. Lie.
 
 43. "Love" is not in your vocabulary. don't even think about saying it.
 
 44. A general rule: If whatever you're doing does not satisfy you
     completely in 5 minutes, it's really not worth it.
 
 45. Diss your girlfirend. Beg and plead until you get her back. Diss her
     again.  Repeat cycle.
 
 46. Lie.
 
 47. ALWAYS apologize. NEVER mean it.
 
 48. If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't.
 
 49. Try to have a good memory, but it's OK if you forget trivial things.
     You know, like your girlfriend's birthday and eye color.

 50. Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't see you.
 
 51. It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions.
 
 52. Create new words and phrases to describe genetalia, sex, semen, etc.
 
 53. Complain about not getting any mail.  When people FINALLY feel sorry
     for you and send you mail, ignore it and continue complaining.
 
 54. Lie.
 
 55. Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you
     don't know.
 
 57. If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing, DON'T
     STOP! This is the desired reaction.

 58. You are NOT a virgin.  Ever.  Males are born without virginity.
 
 59. You are male, therefore you are superior.
 
 60. Agenda for a boring evening:  Get beer.  Drink beer.  Play with
     yourself. Have sex.  Drink more beer.  Pass out.

 61. Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please
     you.
 
 62. Don't ever notice anything.
 
 63. If you're going out with someone but you love someone else, don't say
     anything.  Wait until the girl you are going out with falls in love
     with YOU, and then tell her.

 64. Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality.
 
 65. Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality.
 
 66. Lie.
 
 67. If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically you've
     done nothing wrong.
 
 68. Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have
     to cry about, anyway?
 
 69. If the question begins with "why," the answer is "I don't know."
 
 70. Women are your napkins. Use them, and throw them away.
 
 71. Remember, Every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU.
 
 72. If you ever find yourself in a position where you have been proven
     wrong, blame others.  Come up with creative and believable excuses why they
     are at fault- not you.
 
 73. Don't ever let anyone say "I told you so."  If you hear this phrase
     and it didn't come out of your mouth, go ballistic.
 
 74. If your woman makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a
     parking spot right near the door opens up.  If this takes hours, so
     be it. You will have the coveted "door spot" and others will worship
     your skills.
 
 75. Keep track of how many seconds in your life you have thought about
     sex. Compare with others.

 76. Other peoples' pain is strictly for your amusement.  Laugh long and
     loud.

 77. Lie.
 
 78. General Rule:  Different is BAD.
 
 79. If anyone asks you for a favor-  a) make a big deal about how hard it
     is for you to do it,  b) remind them of this huge favor you've done for
     them at least every 5 minutes for the rest of their life.

 80. Each penny you save will be worth at least a dollar in the long run.
 
 81. If you do something really mean to a girl, and she doesn't want to
     talk to you, pretend nothing happened. If she still doesn't talk to
     you, casually ask, "is something wrong?"

 82. Three words: Let's be friends. Translation: I never want to speak to
     you again, but it's bad for my nice-guy image if you are mad at me, so
     I'll pretend I want to be your friend.

 83. Lie.
 
 84. If you're on a date, and there is a lull in the conversation, tell
     the girl how many different dorms you've been laid in.
 
 85. When you tell a girl about your past, it's good to say, "God, I was
     such a pimp back then."
 
 86. Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to leave and when
     you come back, you want her naked, sprawled on the bed.  Leave,and go
     into her dad's room and tell him he should go check on his daughter.
     Then drive like hell. (true story.)

 87. If a girl breaks up with you because you're in love with someone
     else, she has no right to be upset. Because, you know, SHE's the one
     who wanted to end the relationship.

 88. The best sex position is you, lying face up... and twenty girls on
     top.

 89. Practice your blank stare.
 
 90. Spend your spare time thinking of excuses and shove them up your ass.
     Then, whenever you need one, you can pull it out of your ass.
 
 91. If you ever forced to show emotion, just pick random emotions like
     rage and lust and insanity and display them at random, inconvenient
     times. You won't be asked to do it again.

 92. If you are asked to do something you REALLY DON'T want to do, first
     try your manly best to get out of it.  If that doesn't work, go ahead
     and do what you were asked to do, but complain that you don't know how to
     do it and continuously ask questions on how to do each little part. If no
     one rushes in to do it for you YET, finish the job in the most half-assed
     way you possibly can and then say, "SEE??  I TOLD you I couldn't do it."
     Eventually, people will stop asking you to do things.

 93. Work out day and night to make your body even more beautiful than it
     already is.  When people ask if you've been working out, say things
     like, "No, Baby, I was BORN like this!"

 94. Do not listen to "pussy music", such as Erasure, Color Me Badd, or
     Oldies.
 
 95. Beer.  Then more beer.
 
 96. Scratch your balls.  See if you can embarrass people.
 
 97. One word:  FOOTBALL!
 
 98. Real men beat up others who are inferior.  I mean, we don't want the
     inferior of the species to get to reproduce ever, do we???
 
 99. Diss your girl friends for an occasional night or 5 out with "The
     Gang".

 100.  LIE.


What does a man with a two foot penis have for breakfast?

I had a Rice Krispies today.


50 Ways to Scare People In the Computer Room


   1.  Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and
    scream "Oh my God!  They've found me!" and bolt.
  
   2.  Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop
    and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
  
   3.  When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on
    duty that you can't get the damn thing to work.  After he/she's turned
    it on, wait 5 minutes,turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good
    half hour.
  
   4.  Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to
    you evilly.
  
   5.  Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to
    different screen than the one it's set up with.
  
   6.  Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it
    at the highest volume possible over & over again.
  
   7.  Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by
    something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
  
   8.  Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into
    top-secret Pentagon files.
  
   9.  Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.
  
   10.  Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn
    it on.
  
   11.  Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have
    it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.
  
   12.  Type on VAX for a while.  Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes
    at everything bad about your life.  Then stop and continue typing.
  
   13.  Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if
    they're crazy while typing.
  
   14.  Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before
    starting.
  
   15.  Ask around for a spare disk.  Offer $2.  Keep asking until
    someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I
    forgot."
  
   16.  Every time you press Return and there is processing time
    required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!"
     when it finishes.
  
   17.  "DISK FIGHT!!!"
  
   18.  Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you
    (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new
    friends).
  
   19.  Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets.
    Type by hitting the keys with the straw.
  
   20.  If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The
    Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.
  
   21.  Draw a pictue of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it
    to your monitor.  Try to seduce it.  Act like it hates you and then
    complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.
  
   22.  Try to stick a Ninetendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disc drive,
    when it doesn't work, get the supervisor.
  
   23.  When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly
    where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.
  
   24.  Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all
    done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.
  
   25.  Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisely.  After
    doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next
    to you.
  
   26.  Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person
    next to grinding.  Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the
    person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is
    far more effective to let them linger.
  
   27.  If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split
    ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you
    leave.
  
   28.  Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family
    on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.
  
   29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks.  Remove shoes
    and place them of top of the monitor.  Remove socks layer by layer and
    drape them around the monitor.  Exclaim sudden haiku about the
    aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.
  
   30.  Take the keyboard and sit under the computer.  Type up your
    paper like this.  Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the 
    bad working conditions.
  
   31.  Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!"
    and continue working.
  
   32.  Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.
  
   33.  Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A
    Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.).  Whenever you hit a key, hum its
    note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.
  
   34.  Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.
  
   35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse
    me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking
    it.
  
   36.  Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.
  
   37.  When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that
    sometimes the old ways are best.
  
   38.  Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.
  
   39.  Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again
    until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar
    so your fill isn't affected).  Then look at your neighbor's keyboard.
    Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word.
    While you do this, ask:
        "Does *your* delete key work?"  Shake your head, and resume
    hitting the space bar on your keyboard.  Keep doing this until you've
    deleted about a page of your neighbor's document.  Then, suddenly
    exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this
    whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!"  Print out your document
    and leave.
  
   40.  Remove your disk from the drive and hide it.  Go to the lab
    monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk.  (For special
    effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive.  Claim that
   the computer is drooling.)
  
   41.  Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really
    puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly.  Keep
    laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.
  
   42. Point at the screen.  Chant in a made up language while making
      elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two.  Press return or the
    mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!"  peek up from under
    the table, walk back to the computer and say.  "Oh, good.  It worked this
    time," and calmly start to type again.
  
   43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.
  
   44. See who's online.  Send a total stranger a talk request.  Talk
    to them like you've known them all your lives.  Hangup before they geta
    chance to figure out you're a total stranger.
  
   45. Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound
    effects.  Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.
  
   46. Pull out a pencil.  Start writing on the screen.  Complain that
    the lead doesn't work.
  
   47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of
    flowers in your hair.  Smile incessantly.  Type a sentence, then laugh
    happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen.  Repeat
    this after every sentence.  As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the
    keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and
    walk out.
  
   48.  Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!",
    then calmly sit down and begin to type.
  
   49.   Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker
    chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and
    say "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile
    for the next week".
  
   50.  Two words:  Tesla Coil.


 Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as
 "cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared
 through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy.  However, as you'll
 see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript
 of an online chat doesn't seem to quite get the point of cyber sex.
 Then again, maybe he does...
 
 
 
 Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
 
 Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high
 heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements
 are 36-24-36. What do you look like?
 
 Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds.I wear glasses and I have on
 a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart.I'm also
 wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from
 dinner...it smells funny.
 
 Sweetheart: I want you.Would you like to screw me?
 
 Wellhung: OK
 
 Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom.There's soft music playing on the
 stereo and candles on my dresser and night table.I'm looking up into
 your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and
 begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.
 
 Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.
 
 Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
 
 Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse.My hands are trembling.
 Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.

 Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.

 Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure.The cool silk
 slides off my warm skin.I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and
 rubbing.
 
 Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a
 hole in your blouse.I'm sorry.
 
 Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.
 
 Wellhung: I'll pay for it.
 
 Sweetheart: Don't worry about it.I'm wearing a lacy black bra.My soft
 breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.
 
 Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra.I think it's stuck.
 Do you have any scissors?
 
 Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly.I'm reaching back
 undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my
 breasts. My nipples are erect for you.
 
 Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting
 the clasp.
 
 Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your
 tongue all over me.
 
 Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know,
 breasts. They're neat!
 
 
 Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm
 nibbling your ear.
 
 Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and
 phlegm.
 
 Sweetheart: What?
 
 Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.
 
 Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of
 my blouse.
 
 Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with
 a plop.
 
 Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your
 hard tool.
 
 Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
 
 Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
 
 Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over,
 in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.
 
 Sweetheart: What's the matter?
 
 Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.
 
 Sweetheart: Are you OK?
 
 Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.
 
 Sweetheart: Can I help?
 
 Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling
 through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
 
 Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
 
 Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.
 
 Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.
 
 Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.
 
 Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.
 
 Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet.
 And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost.
 Where's the bedroom?
 
 Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
 
 Wellhung: I found it.
 
 Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so
 badly.
 
 Wellhung: Me too.
 
 Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked
 bodies pressing each other.
 
 Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
 
 Sweetheart Why don't you take off your glasses?
 
 Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the
 glasses on the night table.
 
 Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
 
 Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room
 and toward the bathroom.
 
 Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.
 
 Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for
 the toilet. I lift the lid.
 
 Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.
 
 Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle,
 but I can't find it. Uh-oh!
 
 Sweetheart: What's the matter now?
 
 Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper.
 Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my
 way.
 
 Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.
 
 Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in
 your...you know...woman's thing.
 Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
 
 Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss
 your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.
 
 Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand
 it another second! Slide in!  Screw me now!
 
 Wellhung: I'm flaccid.
 
 Sweetheart: What?
 
 Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.
 
 Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look
 on my face.
 
 Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all
 floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.
 
 Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my
 underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.
 
 Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table.
 I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray,
 picture frames and your candles.
 
 Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.
 
 Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of
 our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing
 at it, a shocked look on my face.
 
 Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!
 
 
 Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!
 
 Sweetheart: <logged off>

Three young Irish candidates for the priesthood are told by the
Monsignor they have to pass one more test: The Celibacy Test.  The
Monsignor leads them into a room, and tells them to undress, and a
small
bell is tied to each man's willy.

In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a sexy belly-dancer costume. 
She begins to dance sensually around the first candidate.

*Ting-a-ling*

"Oh, Patrick," says the Monsignor, "I am so disappointed in your
lack of control.  Run along now and take a long, cold shower and pray about
your carnal weakness."  The candidate leaves.

The dancer continues, dancing around the second candidate, slowly
peeling off her layers of veils.  As the last veil drops:

*Ting-a-ling*

"Joseph, Joseph," sighs the Monsignor.  "You too are unable to
withstand your carnal desires.  Off you go... take a long, cold shower and
pray for forgiveness."

The dancer continues, dancing naked in front of the final candidate.
Nothing.  She writhes up and down against his body.  No response.
Finally, exhausted, she quits.

"Michael, my son, I am truly proud of you," says the Monsignor.
"Only you have the true strength of character needed to become a priest. 
Now, go and join your weaker brethren in the showers."

* Ting-a-ling*



 Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad
 Wolf crouched down behind a log.  "My what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf",
 says Red Riding Hood.  The wolf jumps up and runs away!!!  Further down
 the road RRH sees the wolf again.  This time he is crouched behind a
 tree stump.  "My what big ears you have Mr Wolf", says RRH.  Again the
 wolf jumps up and runs away.  About 2 miles down the track RRH sees the
 wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.  "My what big
 teeth you have Mr Wolf", taunts RRH.  With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps
 up and screams..."Will you fuck off, I'm trying to have a shit".

100 WAYS TO FREAK OUT YOUR ROOMMATE

1.  Smoke jimson weed.  Do whatever comes naturally.
2.  Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.
3.  Twitch a lot.
4.  Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.
5.  Steal a fishtank.  Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. 
    Talk to them.
6.  Become a subgenius.
7.  Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.
8.  Learn to levitate.  While your roommate is looking away, float up 
    out of your seat.  When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.
9.  Speak in tongues.
10.  Move you roommate's personal effects around.  Start subtlely.
     Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he
     owns to the ceiling.
11.  Walk and talk backwards.
12.  Spend all your money on Jolt Cola.  Drink it all.  Stack the 
     cans in the middle of your room.  Number them.
13.  Spend all your money on Transformers.  Play with them at night.  
     If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, 
     "They're more than meets the eye."
14.  Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road Warrior," "Repo 
     Man,"Casablanca,") almost inaudibly.
15.  Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arias 
     on a kazoo.  If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your 
     performance art class (or hit him/her with the wrench).
16.  Collect all your urine in a small jug.
17.  Chain yourself to your roommate's bed.  Get him/her to bring you 
     food.
18.  Get a computer.  Leave it on when you are not using it.  Turn it 
     off when you are.
19.  Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple 
     of weeks."
20.  Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can.  Pretend 
     to masturbate while reading them.
21.  Fake a heart attack.  When your roommate gets the paramedics to 
     come, pretend nothing happened.
22.  Eat glass.
23.  Smoke ballpoint pens.
24.  Smile.  All the time.
25.  Collect dog shit in baby food jars.  Sort them according to what 
     you think the dog ate.
26.  Burn all your waste paper while eying your roommate suspiciously.
27.  Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash 
     can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash.  Find the food, and 
     eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, 
     demand that s/he reimburse you.
28.  Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk.  Include a 
     list of grievances.
29.  Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns.
30.  Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is 
     turned, and then look away quickly.
31.  Dye all your underwear lime green.
32.  Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed.  Swim.
33.  Bye three loaves of stale bread.  Grow mold in the closet.
34.  Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet.  Accuse
     him/her of stealing it.
35.  Remove your door.  Ship it to your roommate's parents (postage 
     due).
36.  Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster.  Sacrifice something nasty.
37.  Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand 
     up. Announce that you are going to take a shower.  Do so.  Keep this up 
     for three weeks.
38.  Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser.
     Refuse to discuss them.
39.  Paint your half of the room black.  Or paisley.
40.  Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that 
     start with "Didja ever wonder why...."  Be creative.
41.  Shave one eyebrow.
42.  Put your mattress underneath your bed.  Sleep down under there 
     and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe.  If your roommate 
     comments, mutter "Gotta save space," twenty times while twitching 
     violently.
43.  Put horseradish in your shoes.
44.  Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall.  Complain 
     loudly that you can never find the book that you want.
45.  Always flush the toilet three times.
46.  Subsist entirely on pickles for a week.  Vomit often.
47.  Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and play 
     it at least 6 hours a day.  If your roommate complains, explain that it's 
     an assignment for your primitive cultures class.
48.  Give him/her an allowance.
49.  Listen to radio static.
50.  Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night.  
     Close them as soon as you wake up.
51. Cry a lot.
52. Send secret admirer notes on your roommate's blitzmail.
53. Clip your fingernails and toenails and keep them in a baggie. 
    Leave the baggie near your computer and snack from it while 
    studying. If he/she walks by, grab the bag close and eye him/her 
    suspiciously.
54. Paste used kleenexes to his/her walls.
55. Whenever your roomate comes in from the shower, lower your eyes 
    and giggle to yourself.
56. If you get in before your roomate, go to sleep in his/her bed.
57. Put pornos under his/her bed. Whenever someone comes to visit 
    your roommate when they're not home, show them the magazines.
58. Whenever you go to sleep, start jumping on your bed . . . do so 
    for a while, then jump really high and act like you hit your head on the 
    ceiling. Crumple onto your bed and fake like you were knocked out . . 
    use this method to fall asleep every night for a month.
59. If your roommate goes away for a weekend, change the locks.
60. Whenever his/her parents call and ask for your roommate, breathe 
    into the phone for 5 seconds then hang up.
61. Whenever he/she goes to shower, drop whatever you're doing, grab 
    a towel, and go shower too.
62. Find out your roommate's post office box code. Open it and take 
    his/her mail. Do this for one month. After that, send the mail to him/her by 
    UPS.
63. Collect all of your pencil shavings and sprinkle them on the 
    floor.
64. Create an imaginary cat for a pet. Talk to it every night, act 
    like you're holding it, keep a litter box under your desk. After two 
    weeks, say that your cat is missing. Put up signs in your dorm, blame 
    your roommate.
65. Call safety & security whenever your roommate turns up his/her 
    music.
66. Follow him/her around on weekends.
67. Sit on the floor and talk to the wall.
68. Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the door.
69. Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone.
70. Take his/her underwear. Wear it.
71. Whenever your roommate is walking through the room, bump into 
72. Stare at your roommate for five minutes out of every hour. Don't 
    say anything, just stare.
73. Tell your roommate that someone called and said that it was 
    really important but you can't remember who it was.
74. Let mice loose in his/her room.
75. Give each of your walls a different name. Whenever you can't 
    answer a problem, ask each of your walls. Write down their responses, 
    then ask your ceiling for the final answer. Complain to your roommate 
    that you don't trust your ceiling.
76. Take your roommate's papers and hand them in as your own.
77. Skip to the bathroom.
78. Take all of your roommate's furniture and build a fort. Guard the 
    fort for an entire weekend.
79. Gather up a garbage bag full of leaves and throw them in a pile 
    in his/her room. Jump in them. Comment about the beautiful foilage.
80. When you walk into your room, turn off your lights. Turn them on 
    when you leave.
81. Print up satanic signs and leave them in your room where he/she 
    can find them.
82. Whenever you're on the phone and he/she walks in, hang up 
    immediately without saying anything and crawl under your desk. Sit 
    there for two minutes than call whoever it was back.
83. Insist on writing the entire lyrics to American Pie on your 
    ceiling above your bed. Sing them every night before you go to bed.
84. Use a bible as kleenex. Yell at your roommate if they say Jesus 
    or God Damnit.
85. Burn incense.
86. Eat moths.
87. Buy Sea Monkeys and grow them. Name one after your roommate. 
    Announce the next day that that one died. Name another one after your 
    roommate. The next day say that it died. Keep this up until they all die.
88. Collect Chia-Pets.
89. Refuse to communicate in anything but sign language.
90. Eat a bag of marshmellows before you go to bed. The next day, 
    spray three bottles of whip cream all over your floor. Say you got sick.
91. Wipe deoderant all over your roommate's walls.
92. If you know that he/she is in the room, come barging in out of 
    breath. Ask if they saw a fat bald naked Tibetan man run through 
    carrying a hundred dollar bill. Run back out swearing.
93. Leave apple cores on his/her bed.
94. Keep feces in your fridge. Complain that there is never anything 
    to eat.
95. Piss in a jar and leave it by your bed. When your roommate isn't 
    looking, replace it with a jar of apple juice. Wait until your 
    roommate turns around. Drink it.
96. Don't ever flush.
97. Buy an inflatable doll. Sleep with it.
98. Hang stuffed animals with nooses from your ceiling. Whenever you 
    walk by them mutter, "You shouldn't have done that to me."
99. Lick him/her while they are asleep.
    GOVERNMENT HEALTH WARNING :
    reading this message may damage your health.
100. Dress in drag.


Please do not attempt this without the use of protective
garments and the correct safety procedures.
Please extinguish all naked people before entering,
and don't forget to breath.


30 Ways to Cope With Stress

 
1. Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how
   many you can do at a time.
2. Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa and vice-versa.
3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
4. When someone says "have a nice day", tell them you have other plans.
5. Make a list of things to do that you have already done.
6. Dance naked in front of your pets.
7. Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him to pre-school as if
   nothing is wrong.
8. Fill out your tax form using Roman Numerals.
9. Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them from high places.
10. Leaf through "National Geographic" and draw underwear on the natives.
11. Tattoo "Out to Lunch" on your forehead.
12. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
13. Buy a subscription to "Sleazoid Weekly" and send it to your boss's wife.
14. Pay your electric bill in pennies.
15. Drive to work in reverse.
16. Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
17. Tell you boss to "blow it out your mule" and let him figure it out.
18. Sit naked on a shelled hard-boiled egg.
19. Polish your car with earwax.
20. Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
21. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.
22. Braid the hairs in each nostril.
23. Write a short story using alphabet soup.
24. Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.
25. Make up a language and ask people for directions in it. 
26. Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and put it back in the
    wrapper.
27. Bill your doctor for time spent in his waiting room.
28. Read the dictionary backwards and look for sublimal messages.
29. Buy a box of condoms. Ask the cashier where the fitting rooms are,
    and ask for help.
30. Do your assignments in binary code.


The New Priest
   A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could
hardly speak.  After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.  The 
monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, 
   I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.  If I start to get 
nervous, I take a sip."
  So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.  At the beginning
of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.  He proceeded to talk
up a storm.  Upon return to his office after mass, he found the
following note on his door:

  1.  Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

  2.  There are 10 commandments, not 12.

  3.  There are 12 disciples, not 10.

  4.  Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

  5.  Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

  6.  We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

  7.  The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy,
           Junior, and Spook.

  8.  David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

  9.  When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don'tsay
         he was stoned off his ass.

10.  We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

11.  When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take
           this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."

12.  The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".

13.  The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks
            for the grub, yeah God."

14.  Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St.
            Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

What's the same about a blond and railroad tracks?
        They've both been laid all over the country!
   hahahahahahahahahahahahah!

Q - What did the dumb blond do when she found out that there is sugar 
in urine?
A - She peed in her cereal!


There was a man who was driving home one stormy night down a wet, dark
road in the middle of nowhere.  Suddenly, his car brakes down and he gets
out and checks it.  After 10 minutes, he finally comes to the conclusion
that his car is knackered.  "What am I going to do?" he cried, "I'm in the
middle of nowhere!!".  He turned and just as lightning flashed across the
night sky, he could see the outline of a big castle.  He was feeling
desperate to get some kip so he locks his car and decided to head up to
the castle.  As he gets closer, he sees that it's actually a big hotel.
He knocks on the door.  BANG, BANG, BANG!!  After a couple of seconds, the
door creaked open.  CRRRREEEEAAAKK, and an old decreped woman shuffled her
way onto the doorstep.  "HHHEEEEELLLLOOOO!!!"" she said in a very shaky,
high-pitched oldwoman voice.  "Er..." stuttered the man, "Can I have a
place to sleep for the night?" "Come innnnnn" she said and walked indoors,
followed by the man.  She led the man to the guest book and motioned for
him to sign it.  That's funny, the man thought, there's no entries here,
maybe it's a new book.  So he signs his name right at the top and the the
old woman calls her husband, who is decreped also and has a hunchback.
The old man leads the man up to his room and the man got ready for bed.
The room had cobwebs and spiders and rats roaming around it and was very
dark. But as he lay there, he saw a string above his head haning from the 
ceiling. What's this, he thought, should I pull it?  But he decided he
would not pull the string, but he would leave it.  The next morning, he
paid the old woman, went back to his car and it started first time.
Strange, he thought and he drove off.
 
About 6 months later, he drives along the same road at the same time of
night in the same kind of bad weather when he has another breakdown.  He
leaves the car and reluctalty goes back to the hotel in the distance.  He
knocks at the door KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK.  The door opens and the old woman
shuffles out.  "HHHHEEEEELLLLOOOOO" she shrilled.   "I would like a bed
for the night please." he answered.  "Come in" and he followed her in.
She montioned for him to sign the guest book but he noticed that he was
signing the second one, after his own signature 6 months earlier...
That's strange, he thought, surely there would have been people here...
but he signed it anyway and the husband of the old woman came out and led
him to his room... the same room...  the same cobwebbed rat and spider
infested room.  He got ready for bed but could not help noticing the
string hanging from the ceiling.  What is this string for he wondered.
Should I pull it?  Nah... it might do something bad... he thought and left
it.  Morning broke and the man, suitably refreshed, made his way back to
the car.  The car started first time, just like last time, eerily and he
drove off.

One year later, he is driving down the same road in the same terrible
conditions at the same time when guess what?  His car breaks down again in
the same spot.  Not again!!  he exclaimed.  He had to now go back to the
dreaded spooky hotel.  He locked up his car and made his way to the hotel.
He knocked at the door.  KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK.  The old woman opened the
door and shuffled her way onto the doorstep.  "HHHHHEEEELLLLOOOO" she
shrilled.  "Er.... I've come for the room" he said.  "COME IN" she
shrilled and he followed her in.  She motioned for him to sign the guest
book and guess what?  He was the third entry, under his first two.  That's
really strange, what's going on here?  he thought.  He signed in the third
spot and the old woman's husband led the man up to the same crappy smelly
web infested, rat and spider infested room.  He got ready for bed and saw
the string dangling from the ceiling again.  Thie blasted string, he
thought, I'm going to pull it..... noo.... I.... can't..... I... must...
leave.... it..... might.... do....something.... strange..... he left it
alone and went to sleep.  Morning broke and he left and made his way to
the car.  Again it started first time and he thought, how come it's
starting first time, eh?  I'm not coming here again!!  And he drove off...

Five years later, he unexpectedly found himself along the same road at the
same time of night in the same crap conditions.  GUESS WHAT???!?!  His car
stopped again at the same place!!  "Bleeding hell!!" he screamed, "Why did
it have to happen to me?"  He locked up his car and he made his way back
to the hotel.  He knocked at the door.  KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK.  The old woman
opened the door and shuffled out onto the doorstep.  "HHHHHEEEEELLLLOOO"
she shreiked.  "I've come for your room, unfortunately." the man
exclaimed.  "COME IN" she shreiked and he followed the old woman in and
she motioned for him to sign the guest book.  He was the fourth one, after
his first three entries.  What is going on here?  he thought, this is
stranger by the minute!!  He signs it and the old woman's husband comes
out and leads him to the same crap, web-stained, rat, insect,
flea-infested room.  The man gets ready for bed and sees the string
dangling from the ceiling again.  THIS BLEEDING PIECE OF STRING, he raged,
I'M GOING TO PULL THE DAMN THING!!!!  And when he pulled it, the light
came on.


 A Long Time Ago, In A Galaxy Far, Far Away…

As the evil forces of the Microsoft Empire moved across the universe, the
computer world became locked in the icy grip of Windows 95. The Emperor Bill
Gates and his army of salestroopers had spent $300 million dollars to
brainwash every living soul. He used songs. He used TV ads. He even got a
haircut. There was just one lone hold out. A simple man with only the Force
of Good on his side. This is the story of just one battle in the epic
confrontation between Good and Evil, a story of how one man resisted the
Dark Side.

                             Soft Wars : Book V
                     The Last Person Without Windows 95
                                  

It was a dark and stormy night.

There was a knock on the door.

"Not you again!" I said.

"Sorry," he said, a little sheepishly. "I guess you know why I'm here."

Indeed I did. Microsoft's $300 million ad campaign to promote the Windows 95
operating system was meant to be universally effective, to convince every
human being on the planet that Windows 95 was an essential (some would say
integral) part of living. Problem was, not everyone had bought it.
Specifically, I hadn't bought it. I was The Last Human Being Without Windows
95. Now, this little man from Microsoft was at my door and he wouldn't take
no for an answer.

"No," I said.

"You know I can't take that," he said, pulling out a copy of Windows 95 from
his briefcase. "Come on. Just one copy. That's all we ask."

"Not interested," I said. "Look, isn't there someone else you can go bother
for a while? There's got to be someone else on the planet who doesn't have a
copy."

"Well, no," the Microsoft man said. "You're the only one."

"You can't be serious! Not everyone on the planet has a computer," I said.
"Hell, not everyone on the planet has a PC! Some people own Macintoshes,
which run their own operating system. And some people who have PCs run OS/2,
although I hear that's just a rumor. In short, there are just some people
who have no use for Windows 95."

The Microsoft man look perplexed. "I'm missing your point," he said.

"Use!" I screamed. "Use! Use! Use! Why BUY it if you can't USE it?"

"Well, I don't know anything about this 'use' thing you're going on about,"
the Microsoft man said. "All I know is that according to our records,
everyone else on the planet has a copy."

"People without computers?"

"Got 'em."

"Amazonian Indians?"

"We had to get some malaria shots to go in, but yes."

"The Amish?"

"Check."

"Oh, come on," I said. "They don't even wear buttons. How did you get them
to buy a computer operating system?"

"We told them there were actually 95 very small windows in the box," the
Microsoft man admitted. "We sort of lied. Which means we are all going to
Hell, every single employee of Microsoft." He was somber for a minute, but
then perked right up. "But that's not the point!" he said. "The point is,
EVERYONE has a copy. Except you."

"So what?" I said. "If everyone else jumped off a cliff, would you expect me
to do it, too?"

"If we spent $300 million advertising it? Absolutely."

"No."

"Jeez, back to that again," the Microsoft man said. "Hey, I'll tell you
what. I'll GIVE you a copy. For free. Just take it and install it on your
computer." He waved the box in front of me.

"No," I said again. "No offense, pal. But I don't need it. And frankly, your
whole advertising blitz has sort of offended me. I mean, it's a computer
operating system! Great. Fine. Swell. Whatever. But you guys are advertising
like it creates world peace or something!"

"It did."

"Pardon?"

"World peace. It was part of the original design. Really. One button access.
Click on it, POOF! End to strife and hunger. Simple."

"So what happened?"

"Well, you know," he said, "it took up a lot of space on the hard drive. We
had to decide between it and The Microsoft Network. Anyway, we couldn't
figure out how to make a profit off of world peace."

"Go away!" I said.

"I can't, " he said. "I'll be killed if I fail."

"You have got to be kidding!" I said.

"Look," the Microsoft man said. "We sold this to the AMISH! The friggin
Amish! Right now, they're opening the boxes and figuring out they've been
had. We'll be pitchforked if we ever go into Western Pennsylvania again. But
we did it. So to have YOU holding out, well, it's embarrassing. It's
embarrassing to the company. It's embarrassing to the product. It's
embarrassing to Bill."

"Bill Gates doesn't care about me," I said.

"He's watching right now," the Microsoft man said. "Borrowed one of those
military spy satellites just for this purpose. It's also got one of those
high-powered lasers. You close that door on me and ZAP! I'm a pile of gray
ash."

"He wouldn't do that," I said. "He might hit that copy of Windows 95 by
accident."

"Oh, Bill's gotten pretty good with that laser," the Microsoft man said
nervously. "Okay, I wasn't supposed to do this, but you leave me no choice.
If you take this copy if Windows 95, we will reward you handsomely. In fact,
we'll give you your own Caribbean island. How does Montserrat sound?"

"Terrible. There's an active volcano there."

"It's only a small one," the Microsoft man said.

"Look," I said. "Even if you DID convince me to take that copy of Windows
95, what would you do then? You'd have totally saturated the market. That'd
be it. No new worlds to conquer. What would you do then?"

The Microsoft man held up another box and gave it to me.

"Windows 95 … For Pets?"

"There's a LOT of domestic animals out there," he said.

I shut the door quickly. There was a surprised yelp, the sound of the laser,
and then nothing.

                                 
Facts About Knight Rider

          ---------------------------------------------------------
             This is a list of facts about Knight Rider, the
             classic eighties hit starring David Hasselhoff and
             an '87 Trans Am. This list was put together by the
             Internet Swimming Pool as a means of cataloging a
             show that may soon become extinct. Much of the
             research was done by Robert Van Duzer and Timothy
             Goodwin, masters in this area. If you know of any
             major facts that may have been left out, feel free
             to email them.

          ---------------------------------------------------------

     Michael Knight's real name was Michael Arthur Long. The change was
     a definite improvement.

     KITT's name is really the "Knight 2000", but nobody calls him that
     because KITT will run them over.

     Michael was a cop in his former life, and looked nothing like
     David Hasselhoff.

     Michael was shot by a band of criminals who operate above the law.
     The shooter was none other than Tanya Walker, Michael's love
     interest. She apparently was a backstabbing bitch.

     When Michael was shot - get this - the bullet hit a metal plate in
     his head. Michael's brain was thus spared. However, his face was
     not so lucky. The bullet bounced off in a funky direction and blew
     out his face. Hence, his face was not recognizable after the
     accident. Michael, in an ironic twist not provided in the original
     episode, wanted to get the plate removed because every time he
     walked by a microwave, he pissed in his pants.

     Wilton Knight, a certified genius, created KITT from Michael
     Long's 1987 Pontiac Trans Am, which is rather odd, because Michael
     Long bought the car in 1984.

     Wilton Knight had doctors perform plastic surgery on Michael
     Long's face so that he would become a younger a version of Wilton.
     The doctors screwed up horribly and made Michael look like David
     Hasselhoff instead. The plastic face is the reason that Michael's
     head always look so shiny.

     Wilton died shortly after Michael's surgery. His last words were
     directed towards Long.

          "My adventure has ended.

          Yours has just begun."

     KITT's first words were "What would you like to hear?" KITT always
     got the great lines.

     There were never any cars when KITT entered or left the truck,
     presumably because Michael was a bad driver.

     Michael always got the babe, despite looking like David
     Hasselhoff.

     KITT actually extended things out of his body when entering Super
     Pursuit mode, even though this would obviously make him go slower
     (especially the mirrors).

     The missiles never hit KITT. Nothing ever hit KITT, except wimpy
     bullets and trash cans, and they never left scratches or dents.

     Michael never washed KITT. KITT apparently was homophobic.

     KITT never needed gas or new tires.

     KITT was never really that silent in Silent Mode.

     Nobody knows what noise KITT made when his little light in the
     front went back and forth (what was that light, anyway?).

     No one has ever seen KITT's engine.

     Michael always got the chick, but never got laid.

     The old fart in charge of the Foundation had a really good looking
     secretary.

     Michael and Devin had a secret love affair.

     KITT always managed to Turbo Jump through the open boxcar every
     time (how did he manage to jump on flat ground?).

     Michael was extremely busy. He always had an assignment.

     Did you ever notice that Michael and that guy on Baywatch look a
     lot alike? I mean, Michael didn't look like the swimmer kinda guy,
     and KITT would easily roll over the guy in Baywatch.


Michael Knight Was A Flamer

          ---------------------------------------------------------

             Knight Rider was an immensely successful show
             during the eighties, but now that America has had
             half a decade to reflect on it, the show really
             did have a secret agenda: promoting homosexuality.
             This is evident in its portrayal of the hero,
             Michael Knight. This is just a short list, but it
             clearly shows that Michael Knight was indeed one
             of them.

          ---------------------------------------------------------

     Michael always got the chick, but never got laid.

     Look at the clothes. They were gay even for the eighties.

     Michael drove like a faggot.

     Michael used KITT's x-ray vision to look at guys only.

     How often did you see Michael hit on Devin's secretary?

     Michael always had his shirt unbuttoned.

     KITT had a guys voice.

     Michael liked arresting the bad guys, but hated arrested the bad
     girls.

     Michael got a thrill from Turbo Boost.

     Michael Knight is really David Hasselhoff (gasp!) and you know
     what David Hasselhoff sings like.

     He always called up Devin, never Devin's secretary.

     Five words: White man with an Afro.

     Michael always had a red face.

     Michael didn't use his car to get chicks.

Why the Internet Is Like a Penis
================================

 * It can be up or down.  It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it
hard  to get any real work done.

 * In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit
information considered vital to the survival of the species.  Some
people still  think that's the only thing it should be used for, but
most folks today use it for fun most of the time.

 * It has no conscience and no memory.  Left to its own devices, it
will just do the same damn dumb things it did before.

 * It provides a way to interact with other people.  Some people take
this  interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark.
Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with
until it's too late.

 * If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can
spread viruses.

 * It has no brain of its own.  Instead, it uses yours.  If you use it
too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think
coherently.

 * We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual
size and influence warrant.

 * If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big
trouble.

 * It has its own agenda.  Somehow, no matter how good your
intentions, it will warp your behavior.  Later you may ask yourself
"why on earth did I do that?"

 * Some folks have it, some don't.
Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.  They
think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior.  They think
it gives them power.  They are wrong.

   Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think
it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it.
Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try it.

 * Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop.  Some
people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.


*Overuse will cause eye strain possibly leading to blindness.



Yo momma's so fat she gets stuck in her dreams!

Yo momma's so fat that she sat on four quarters and made it
 into a dollar bill!

Yo momma's so fat that when she sat on a package of skittles she made
 a rainbow! 

Yo momma's so fat she went to the beach and sold shade!

Yo momma's so fat she uses the swimming pool as a toilet!

Yo momma's so fat she uses a basketball as a hackey sack!

Yo momma's so fat that she keeps her extra change in one of her folds!

Yo momma's so fat that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of
gas!

Yo momma's so fat when she jumped in the air she got stuck!

Yo momma's so fat she uses a VCR as a beeper!

Yo momma's so fat every time her beeper goes off people think shes
backing up!

Yo momma's so fat she's in two time zones at the same time!

Yo momma's so fat she has her own area code!

Yo momma's so fat when she wears high heels she strikes oil!

Yo momma's so fat that when she left in the morning in high heels she
came back in flip-flops!

Yo momma's so fat when she stepped on a scale it read to be continued!

Yo momma's so fat when she stepped on a scale it read one person at a
time please!

Yo momma's so fat that when your daddy makes love to her he never
makes love to the same fold twice!

Yo momma's so fat that when your daddy makes love to her he has to
roll her around in flour and look for the wet spot!

Yo momma's so fat that when your daddy wants to make love to her all
he has to do is slap her thigh and roll in with the wave!
 
Yo momma's so fat she uses a pillow for a Maxi pad!
   
Yo momma's so fat that she had to stop wearing Malcolm X shirts
because helicopters kept trying to land on her!

Yo momma's brain is so small that if I took it and rolled it down the
edge of a razor blade it would be like a lone car going down a six lane
highway!

Yo momma's brain is so small if you stuffed it up an ants ass and it
would still rattle like a BB in a tin can!

Yo momma's armpits stink so bad she made Speed Stick slow down!

Yo momma's armpits stink so bad she made Right Guard turn to left!

Yo momma's armpits are so hairy it looks like she's got Buckwheat in a
headlock!

Yo momma's glasses are so thick when she looks at a map she sees
people waving!

Yo momma's glasses are so thick she could read my mind 

Yo momma's so skinny when she swallowed a marble people thought she
was pregnant!

Yo momma's so skinny she could hula-hoop through a Cherrio!

Yo momma's so skinny when she was drowning the lifeguard threw her a
roll of Lifesavers and told her to put one around her waist!

Yo momma's so old she still owes Moses a quarter!

Yo momma's so old when she reads the bible she reminisces!

Yo momma's teeth are so yellow cars slow down!

Yo momma's teeth are so yellow she spits butter!

Yo momma's so dumb she put a ruler by her bed to see how long she
slept!

Yo momma's so dumb that she needs a price check in the 99 cents only
store! 

Yo momma's so stupid she got locked up in a supermarket and starved to
death!

Yo momma's so short she plays raquet ball on a curb!

Yo momma's so short she can bungee-jump off a curb!

Yo momma's so ugly not even her Rice Crispies will talk to her!

Yo momma's so ugly she has to sneak up on a cup of water!

Yo momma's so ugly that bigfoot took a picture of her!

Yo momma's so ugly that they kicked her out of Jurrasic Park! 

Yo momma's so stupid that when she went to the airport, the sign read
"Airport Left", so she left

Yo momma's  so poor that when I saw her walking down the street
kicking a can I asked her what she was doing, she said "Moving!"

Yo momma's so poor that when she wrote a check the whole bank bounced!

Yo momma's so greedy when she wakes up in the morning she looks under
her bed to see if she lost any sleep!

Yo momma's so black that she dresses to a funeral naked!

Yo momma's so black that she went to night school and they marked her
absent!

Yo momma's so fat and black that when she goes skydiving she turns day
into night!

Yo momma's lips are so big that she needs a kick stand to hold them
up!




50 Fun Things to Do on the First Day of Lectures

    1. Smoke a pipe and respond to each point the professor makes by
       waving it and saying, "Quite right, old bean!"
    2. Wear X-Ray Specs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to focus
       the overhead projector.
    3. Sit in the front row and spend the lecture filing your teeth into
       sharp points.
    4. Sit in the front and color in your textbook.
    5. When the professor calls your name in roll, respond "that's my
       name, don't wear it out!"
    6. Introduce yourself to the class as the "master of the pan flute".
    7. Give the professor a copy of The Watchtower. Ask him where his
       soul would go if he died tomorrow.
    8. Wear earmuffs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to speak
       louder.
    9. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.
   10. Squint thoughtfully while giving the professor strange looks. In
       the middle of lecture, tell him he looks familiar and ask whether
       he was ever in an episode of Starsky and Hutch.
   11. Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the
       professor says no, rip the pages out of your textbook.
   12. Become entranced with your first physics lecture, and declare your=

       intention to pursue a career in measurements and units.
   13. Sing your questions.
   14. Speak only in rhymes and hum the Underdog theme.
   15. When the professor calls roll, after each name scream "THAT'S
       MEEEEE! Oh, no, sorry."
   16. Insist in a Southern drawl that your name really is Wuchen Li. If
       you actually are Chinese, insist that your name is Vladimir
       Fernandez O'Reilly.
   17. Page through the textbook scratching each picture and sniffing it.=

   18. Wear your pajamas. Pretend not to notice that you've done so.
   19. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters "CHECK YOUR
       FLY".
   20. Inform the class that you are Belgian royalty, and have a friend
       bang cymbals together whenever your name is spoken.
   21. Stare continually at the professor's crotch. Occassionally lick
       your lips.
   22. Address the professor as "your excellency".
   23. Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if
       he's been drinking.
   24. Shout "WOW!" after every sentence of the lecture.
   25. Bring a mirror and spend the lecture writing Bible verses on your
       face.
   26. Ask whether you have to come to class.
   27. Present the professor with a large fruit basket.
   28. Bring a "seeing eye rooster" to class.
   29. Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, "Vet ozzle
       haffen dee henvay?" Become aggitated when the professor can't
       understand you.
   30. Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the
       chalkboard erasers.
   31. Watch the professor through binoculars.
   32. Start a "wave" in a large lecture hall.
   33. Ask to introduce your "invisible friend" in the empty seat beside
       you, and ask for one extra copy of each handout.
   34. When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream "AAAGH! MY
       EYES!"
   35. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of
       your name, even it's Smith. Claim that the i is silent.
   36. Sit in the front row reading the professor's graduate thesis and
       snickering.
   37. As soon as the first bell rings, volunteer to put a problem on the=

       board. Ignore the professor's reply and proceed to do so anyway.
   38. Claim that you wrote the class text book.
   39. Claim to be the teaching assistant. If the real one objects, jump
       up and scream "IMPOSTER!"
   40. Spend the lecture blowing kisses to other students.
   41. Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write "Signup
       Sheet #5" at the top, and start passing it around the room.
   42. Stand to ask questions. Bow deeply before taking your seat after
       the professor answers.
   43. Wear a cape with a big S on it. Inform classmates that the S
       stands for "stud".
   44. Interrupt every few minutes to ask the professor, "Can you spell
       that?"
   45. Disassemble your pen. "Accidently" propel pieces across the room
       while playing with the spring. Go on furtive expeditions to
       retrieve the pieces. Repeat.
   46. Wink at the professor every few minutes.
   47. In the middle of lecture, ask your professor whether he believes
       in ghosts.
   48. Laugh heartily at everything the professor says. Snort when you
       laugh.
   49. Wear a black hooded cloak to class and ring a bell.
   50. Ask your math professor to pull the roll chart above the
       blackboard of ancient Greek trade routes down farther because you
       can't see Macedonia.
__________________________________________________________________________



1. Why do women close their eyes during sex?
   They can't stand to see a man having a good time.
2. What is six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
   Money.
3. What do you call a Play boy centerfold that is a lesbian?	
   Bitch.
4. What do you say to a woman who can suck an orange through a waterhose?
   Darling.
5. Why do women skydivers wear tampons?
   So they don't whistle on the way down.
6. How can a woman tell she is flat-chested?
   She looks down her dress and the only bumps she sees are knees.
7. What are the three reasons that make anal sex better than vaginal sex?
   It's warmer, it's tighter, and it's degrading to the woman.
8. Why is a woman's pussy like a warm toilet seat?
   They both feel good, but you wonder who was there before you.
9. What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
   You can unscrew a light bulb.
10. What did King Kong say to Oprah Winfrey?
    "Is it in?"
11. What's the smartest thing ever to come out of a woman's mouth????
    Albert Einstein's dick.
12. Why do women have periods?
    Because they deserve them.
13. Why did God make man first?
    He didn't want to have a woman looking over his shoulder.
14. What do Kermit the Frog and Roseanne Barr's husband have in common?
    They both enjoy fucking pigs.
15. What do you call that useless piece of skin around a pussy?
    A woman.
16. What is the definition of a menstrual period?
    A bloody waste of fucking time.
17. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what
    have you done wrong?
    Made her chain too long.
18. What's a man's idea of helping with the housework?
    Lifting his legs while you vacuum.
19. Why does it take 5 women with PMS to change a lightbulb?
    (Scream) IT JUST DOES!!
20. Why was the woman crossing the road?
    Who cares?  What the fuck's the bitch doing out of the kitchen?
21. How can you tell if a woman really likes oral sex?
    She hikes up her skirt every time someone yawns.
22. How can you tell a woman has a huge ass?
    You have to take a mule to get to the bottom of her crack.
23. How many male chauvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
    None. They let the bitch do it after she finishes the dishes.
24. How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
    None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.
25. Why is a laundromat a bad place for a guy to pick up women?
    Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never 	
    be able to support you.
26. How can a woman tell if her pussy really stinks?
    A fly lands on it and throws up.
27. What's love?
    The delusion that one woman is different from another.
28. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
    Slow down.  And possibly use a lubricant.
29. What do you do when the dishwasher won't work?
    Kick her in the ass.
30. Did you hear about Delta Burke's tragic suicide attempt?
    She tried to harpoon herself.
31. Did you hear about the Nancy Kerrigan special at Kentucky Fried Chicken?
    Two small breasts and a bruised thigh.
32. How can you tell if a woman is flat-chested?
    She needs suspenders to hold up her bra.
33. What do you call a 300 pound woman?
    Fat.
34. Why are cyclones/tornadoes usually named after women?
    Because what starts off as a small blow ends up taking half your house.	
35. What do the TV shows 'Green Acres' and 'Roseanne' have in common?
    A pig named Arnold.
36. What is Roseanne Barr's favorite sex toy?
    Ben - Wa basketballs.
37. How can you tell a woman is really trashy?
    She brings a date to her wedding.
38. How can you tell a woman is really ugly?
    A cannibal takes one look at her and orders a salad.
39. How can you tell your wife is really gross?
    One day she doesn't wear under wear and the dog pukes.
40. How do you know a woman is to fat?
    Young lovers try to carve their initials into her leg.
41. How can you tell if a woman's cooking is really lousy?
    Natives from the Amazon come to dip their arrows in it.
42. Did you hear about the new feminine hygiene spray called SSY?
    That's what you have left after you take the PU out of pussy.
43. Why do women have two holes?
    So when they get drunk you can carry them like a six-pack.
44. How are clams like women?
    When the red tide comes you don't eat them.
45. What is the difference between your wife and your job?
    After five years your job will still suck.
46. Why do women have belly buttons?
    To hold your gum on the way down.
47. Why did the Army send so many women with PMS to the Persian Gulf?
    They fought like animals and retained water for four days.
48. Why is a fat woman like a moped?
    They're both fun to ride, but you wouldn't want your friends to 
    see you on either one.
49. Why can't you trust women?
    How can you trust something that can bleed for five days and not die?
50. What is the best thing about a blowjob?
    Ten minutes of silence.
51. How can you tell a woman is wearing pantyhose?
    Her ankles swell up when she farts.
52. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
    They don't have balls to scratch.
53. What do women and Jell-O have in common?
    They both wiggle when you eat them.
54. What's the difference between a women's track team and a tribe of pygmies?
    The pygmies are a bunch of cunning runts.
55. What's the best thing to give an 80 year old woman?
    Mikey! - He'll eat anything.
56. What is the definition of a woman?
    A life support system for a pussy.
57. Why do women have legs?
    So they won't leave snail tracks.
58. Why do women have arms?
    Have you any idea how long it would take to LICK a bathroom clean?
59. What 2 things in the air can make a woman pregnant?
    Her legs.
60. Did you hear about the new all female delivery service?
    It's called UPMS - they deliver whenever the fuck they feel like it.
61. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
    Divorced.


Animals

1. What's worse than having a dead skunk on your piano?
   Having a sick beaver on your organ.
2. What do you call a dog with three legs?
   Tippy.
3. Why can't they find a cure for AIDS?
   They can't get the mice to buttfuck.
4. What do beer nuts and deer nuts have in common?
   They are both under a buck.
5. What did one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?
   "Heyyyy, we do taste like chicken!"
6. What goes "Marc, Marc"?
   A dog with a hair lip.
7. What goes "Nort, Nort"?
   A bull with a cleft palate.
8. There are two fleas on a pussy. One is smoking dope, what's the
   other one doing?
   Sniffing crack.
9. What do you get when you cross a female deer and a pickle?
   A dildoe.
10. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
    They both like a tight seal.
11. What is the last thing to go through a bug's mind when it hits
    your windshield?
    Its asshole.
12. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    Two.
13. What do elephants use for condoms?
    Blimps.
14. What do elephants use for tampons?
    Sheep.
15. What do you do when you come across an elephant?
    Wipe it off.
16. What do you get when you cross a Pollack and a monkey?
    Nothing. A monkey is too smart to fuck a Pollack.
17. What do you call a cow with no legs?
    Ground beef.
18. What do you call a dog with no legs?
    It doesn't matter what you call him, he can't come.
19. What can you do with a do with no legs?
    Take him for a drag.
20. What do you call a dog with real short legs and steel testicles?
    Sparky.
21. What is green and smells like pork?
    Kermit's finger.
22. What's green and red and goes 1000 miles per hour?
    Kermit the Frog in a blender.
23. What's the difference between a hog and a man?
    A hog doesn't have to sit in a bar and  buy drinks all night just 
    so he can fuck some pig.
24. What do you get when you cross a rooster with peanut butter?
    A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth.
25. Why does a dog lick his balls?
    Because he can.
26. Why does a dog lick his balls?
    Nope, not because he can, well, because he can, but mostly because 
    he can't make a fist.
27. Why does a dog lick his ass?
    Because he knows he will be licking your face in about 5 minutes.
28. What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
    About 5 drinks.
29. How does a cat commit suicide?
    He shoots himself in the head nine times.
30. What is the difference between a poodle humping your leg and a pit
    bull humping your leg?
    You let the pit bull finish.
31. What do you call a bull that is playing with himself?
    Beef strokenoff.


=====


5 reasons it's a bummer to be an egg

1.  Only get laid once.
2.  You only get eaten once.
3.  Takes 7 minutes to get hard.
4.  You have to cum in a box w/ 11 other guys.
5.  The only one who'll sit on your face is your mother...

=====

Q: What is a smart blonde called?
A: A golden retriever.

=====

Pickup Line:
"Hey, fuck me if I am wrong, but you want to kiss me, don't you?!?"

=====

Yep, we're scottish or scots, but not scotch. We're not a drink,
we're a people.

=====


Did you hear about the lucky Energizer bunny ?
Somebody put her battery in upside down 
It just kept coming, and coming, and coming

=====

Why did the blonde climb the clear glass wall?
To see what was on the other side.

How can you tell is a blond has been working on your computer?
White out on the screen.

Two blondes walking together in the woods, come across a set of
tracks...The first blonde says. "Look !  Deer tracks! ".  The second blonde says,
"No, those are Bear tracks!"...  Then the train hit them...

What does a blond say after a date?
Are you guys all on the same team?

Why are blonde's breasts square?
They forget to take the Kleenex out of the box.

A dumb blonde, a smart blond and Santa Claus jump off of a bridge, who
makes the bigger splash?
The dumb blonde because the others don't exist.

How do you drown a blonde?
Put a scratch and sniff sticker on the bottom of the pool.

What do you call an intelligent blonde?
A Golden Retriever.

What do you call a blonde talking between two brunettes? 
Confused.

What do you call a brunette talking between two blondes? 
An interpreter.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
I hope it's mine!!

What's the difference between a blonde from (any city you like) and a
garbage can?
At least the garbage can gets taken out once a week!

What do you call a blonde on a college campus?    
A visitor!

How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday?
Tell her a joke on Friday.

Why was the blonde so happy when she finished a 500 piece puzzle in 6
months?
Because on the box it said 3 - 6 years!

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the
bartender:
Brunette:  "I'll have a B and C."
Bartender:  "What is a B and C?"
Brunette:  "Bourbon and Coke."
Redhead:  "And, I'll have a G and T."
Bartender:  "What's a G and T?"
Redhead:  "Gin and Tonic."
Blonde:  (getting the idea)  "I'll have a 15."
Bartender:  "What's a 15?"
Blonde:  "A 7 and 7."

WHAT DOES A BLONDE AND A BOTTLE OF BEER HAVE IN COMMON?
THEY'RE BOTH EMPTY FROM THE NECK UP

Why are blond jokes so stupid?
So men can understand them

Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
She kept throwing away all the W's.


What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
Gifted.  

=====

Two sperms are swimming along. "How much longer?" says the first. "Not
far now, just keep going." says the second. "God, I'm really tired, I
can't last much longer." says the first sperm. "Keep going we're
nearly there. The first to get there wins!" says the second sperm. "I can't
go on, I'm too tired, I give up!" says the first sperm. "Don't give up,
we're nearly there - look we've just passed the throat!"

=====

A guy with a huge dick has a lot of trouble trying to get a girl. When
they see the size of his pecker they make their excuses and leave.  
So he thinks of a 'cunning plan' and meets a hooker and asks her "Do
you mind if we do it 'my way' ?"
"What way is that?" she asks.
"Oh I would just like you to wear a blindfold" he replies.
"Is that all! No problem - lets go to my place" she answers.
They walk the short distance to her appartment.

Whilst taking off their clothes he puts the blindfold on her - "Why do
you want me to wear a blindfold?" she asks.
"Because of my religion" he answers.
"What religion is that?" she asks.
"I'm an agnostic" he says getting on top of her.
"Hmmm - an agnostic - I've heard of those - you're one of those people
who don't believe in J  E  S  U  S !!!!!!!"

=====

Q.  What is the irritated skin around a vagina?
A.  A woman

Q.  What is the difference between a misquito and a slut?
A.  The misquito stops sucking after you slap it.

Following the past two weeks of Exams here's an alternate exam script for
our American counterparts

----------------------------------------------------


                   CITY OF EAST LOS ANGELES
              HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM


Name:________________  Gang:_________________


1) Johnny has an AK-47, with a forty round clip.  If he misses 5 out of
10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive by shooting, how many drive by
shootings can Johnny attend before he has to reload?


2) Jose has two ounces of cocaine and he sells an eight ball to Jackson
for $320 and 2 grams to Billy for $35 per gram. What is the street value of
the balance of the cocaine, if he does not cut it?

3) Rufus is a pimp for three girls.  If the price is $65 for each trick,
how many tricks will each girl have to turn so that Rufus can pay for his
$800 per day crack habit?

4)Tyrone wants to cut his .5 pound of heroin to make 20% more profit. 
How many ounces of cut will he need?

5) Willis gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a
4x4. If Willis has stolen 2 BMW's, and 3 4x4's, how many Chevy's will he
have to steal to make $800?

6)  Raoul is in prison for six years for murder.  He got $10,000 for the
hit. If his common-law wife is spending $110 a month, how much money will be
left when he gets out of prison, and how many years will he get for killing
the bitch that spent the money?

7)  If the average spray can covers 22 square feet, and the average
letter is 8 feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with just three cans of
paint?

8) Hector knocked-up six girls in his gang.  There are 24 girls in the
gang. What percentage of girls in the gang did Hector knock up?




Stand at the pizza bar eating the pepperonis off each slice.

Articulate your belches.

When the gang is getting videos, insist on The Three Amigos.

Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and
insist to others that you "like it that way".

Drum on every available surface.

Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strands, winding it around
your finger.

Redefine a new user's computer prompt to say: SPANK ME.

Remove every line of someone's .newsrc file except the entry
for alt.sex.fetish.hamster.duct-tape.

Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

Fax a paper loop.

Staple papers in the middle of the page.

Bring a jar of lightning bugs into the movie theater.

In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage".

Never flush, that others may admire your accomplishments.

Ask 800 operators for dates.

Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.

Insist on keeping all your stationary in the fridge.

Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.

Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

Set alarms for random times.

Permanently install as wallpaper for someone's computer desktop a scan
of the cover of Prince's Lovesexy album.

Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public
consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."

Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.

Test the echo properties of your shower with Axl Rose impressions.

Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the
volume properly adjusted.

Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while
talking to others.

The Beavis laugh.

The Butthead laugh.

Bring your taxidermy hobby along to the office.

Honk and wave to strangers.

Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.

Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of
rental movies.

Wear your pants backwards.

Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary
mints by the cash register.

Discuss your various piercings in intimate detail.

Construct small animal figures at dinner with toothpicks and tater tots.

Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

Keep National Geographic map supplements such as Trade Routes of the
Inuit in your car's glove compartment.

Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou Reed's "Metal
Machine Music".

Leave someone printer in compressed-italic-cyrillic-landscape mode.

ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

only type in lowercase.

dont use any punctuation either

Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

Pay for your dinner with pennies.

Paint the side of your house with a giant eyeball.

Leave little puddles on the toilet seat.

Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

Use perfume inserts from magazines as bookmarks.

Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

Hold long-winded debates about:
  whether January 1st, 2000, is really in the 21st century.
  whether the bad guy in Popeye cartoons was named "Brutus" or "Bluto".
  whether water drains backwards in Australia.
  whether vinyl records sound better than CD's.
  what would happen if the Coyote dropped his Acme Instant Hole on
   top of himself.
  which axis is the "abscissa" and which is the "ordinate".
  details of the floor plan of the Brady Bunch's house.
  what would happen if gravity reversed.
  whether some infinite numbers are bigger than others.
  whether tomatos are vegetables.
  whether 2 plus 2 is actually 5 in distant galaxies.
  the International Date Line

Pronounce potato poe-TAH-toe, and tomato toe-MAH-toe.

Teach your parakeet to poop on command.

Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's 
roadmaps.

Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assasination/UFO/
OJ Simpson conspiracy theories.

Wear hot-pink eye shadow.

Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?"
"What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

Light road flares on a birthday cake.

Bring a bushel bag of coupons to the grocery store and demand their
total cash value.

Play records with a paper cone.

Order a hamburger without the meat.

Order a taco without the shell.

Order a pizza without the crust.

Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your
tv and then pointing it at the screen.

Repeat all of Bob Saget's jokes to your co-workers.

Speak only in a "robot" voice.

Sit at the front of the lecture hall and clip your toenails.

Install only 20-watt light bulbs.

Write long, ominous letters to the editor demanding that NASA bomb Mars.

Make a heraldic coat-of-arms for each of your pets, including fish.

Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador".

Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce
that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

Keep hissing cockroaches as pets.

Wear your beeper to a wedding.

Purchase a 50,000 candle-power flashlight, and while away many an
evening from a high-story window by spotlighting the butts of passers-by.

Cruise around the neighborhood listening to the Carpenters at top volume.

At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

Cross-post all news messages to rec.pets.cats.

Write Bible verses on your face.

When Christmas carolling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until
physically restrained.

Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One".

As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

Before swallowing Jello, squish and slosh it around in your mouth
until it's thoroughly liquified.

Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper,
99 copies.

Leave random, clipped Ann Lander's columns on co-workers' desks, as if
suggesting they could benefit from the advice.

Insist on brushing your teeth every five minutes.

Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

Sniffle incessantly.

Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.

Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

Hold a life-size magazine photo of a face over your own, and waggle
your tongue through a hole where the mouth is.

Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your
chin.  When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up", and repeat.

Make your wine glass "scream" by rubbing a moistened finger over its rim.

Freeze bugs in ice cubes.

Vaguely insinuate that someone's toothbrush or comb was dropped in
the toilet.

Drive half a block.

Sprinkle grass clippings on your head and inform the neighbors you
are a "Lawn Goddess".

Push the end of the scotch tape flush against the roll.

Glue change to the floor.

Install twenty mysterious-looking antennas on your car.

Inform your friends, frequently and at length, how good it feels
to be done with *your* final exams.

Name your dog "Dog".

Hand out business cards identifying you as the "Maestro of Mirth".

Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

Ask people what gender they are.

Wander through the shoe department sniffing the merchandise.

Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather
conditions "to keep them tuned up".

Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts
back in the tray.

Claim that you must always wear a football helmet as part of
your "astronaut training".

Turn your eyelids inside-out.

Stare intently at someone while scribbling in a small notebook.  Conceal
it quickly and whistle absently if approached.

Wear an overcoat and dark sunglasses to church.

Pick the lima beans out of your dinner and play "flick football"
with them.

Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors
upstairs for "violating your airspace".

Cultivate a Norwegian accent.  If Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl.

Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it
was a "real hoot".

Occasionally whisper to others that you are entrusted with "nuclear
secrets".

Practice hog calling in a tile bathroom.

Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that
you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

Insist on being the first to sniff fresh mimeograph sheets.

When visiting someone's home, fish for change under their sofa
cushions.  Elaborately display any embarrassing items you uncover.

Sculpt your hedges into anatomically suggestive shapes.

Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch
with a can of Lysol.

Practice making fax and modem noises.

Insinuate that someone has something stuck to their back.

Ask for change for a dime.

Pop an entire sheet of plastic bubble wrap while sitting in the
library.

Lick all of someone's stamps.

Use' lot's of 'extra' apostrophe's in you're writ'ing.

Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers'
brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", or the Archies' "Sugar".

While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

Torment siblings with vivid recollections of all family get-togethers
where they threw up.

Spend an entire weekend test-driving riding mowers.

Growl like a pirate and address everyone as "matey".

Stand outside the window of a restaurant and stare at people eating.

Hang out every day at a waterbed store wearing an old Navy uniform.

Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

Highlight irrelevant information in textbooks.

Assemble a collection of EXIT signs.

Frequently become mesmerized by shiny objects.

Serve only nachos for Thanksgiving.

Steer every conversation, no matter how irrelevant, toward a discussion
of the presidency of Millard Filmore.

When dining out, engage in graphics discussions of medieval prostate
surgery.

Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

When dining in polite society, scuplt yourself a Santa Claus beard
from mashed potatos.

Insist that your swordfish be netted, not hooked.

Construct an elaborate canal system in your front yard.

Run in circles around a streetlight like a human moth.

Grow out your nose hair and braid it.

Teach your parrot to answer the phone and put people on hold.

Turn street signs ninety degrees.

Mail a letter with 32 one-cent stamps.

Assure little kids that they can, in fact, be sucked down the bathtub
drain.

Instead of a stapler or paper clips, use duct tape or chewing gum.

Push all the elevator buttons.

Build an anatomically-correct snowman.

Spell your name strangely, such as Jhonne Psmythe, and sue those who
misspell it.

Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first
in the phone book.  Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people
pronounce each A.

Interrupt people's sentences to inform them of non-existant food stuck in
their teeth.

Avoid normal text characters, and |_|s3 B1ff sp3/\k \/\/ |-| 3 |\|
P0sT1|\|g, |<00l |>00|>.

Practice the delicate art of picking up pieces of food from your plate by
slurping out and sucking in a particularly sticky "loogie".

Shave one eyebrow.

Cook pasta with cold water.

Ask people what year it is, and exclaim "Why I'm not even born yet!"

Giggle hysterically at the saddest part of a movie.

Smile constantly.

"Rap" everything someone says.

Cross out the names and reuse old Christmas cards.

Keep howler monkeys and screech owls as apartment pets.

Order printed transcripts of gameshows.

Do your calculus homework with a leaky fountain pen.

Switch the keycaps on someone's keyboard.  Better yet, switch the
key definitions in the computer.

Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see
if they slow down.

Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

Excuse yourself from the dinner table to use the bathroom, flush four
times, and when returning, explain "man, that whopper just wouldn't go
down."

Practice making flatulence noises with your hands.

Hold a blade of grass between both thumbs and blow on it to produce
a piercing shriek.

Stare at the menu with a puzzled expression, and repeatedly ask the
waitress, "Zoo you haf zee eels en flambe?"

Take pictures of your feet, and give them as Christmas gifts.

Insist on squeezing the last 0.1% of the toothpaste out of the tube.

Grunt whenever someone sits down.

Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people
play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

Suck in spaghetti one strand at a time.

Pour your soup on your entree "as gravy".

Fill your front lawn with large home-made metal sculptures.

Chew your ice.

In a movie theater, turn around and instead watch the people sitting
behind you.

Wear a LOT of cologne.

Tie your tie so that it appears only 5 inches long.

Root, vocally, for the other team.

Have a little contest to see whose tongue looks the grossest on the bottom.


Write messages in meadows with a bag of fertilizer.

Plant your ice cold fingers on someone's stomach.

Ask to "interface" with someone.

Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is
necessary because of your "superior mental processing".

Make sonar pinging noises when someone approaches you.

Write a check for 48 cents.

Hang out at Hickory Farms consuming all the sample trays.

Proclaim yourself the Czeckoslovenian ambassador, open a storefront
embassy, and see how many state dinners you can crash.

See how few legs you can balance your chair on, and act surprised when
you eventually fall over backwards.

Sing along at the opera.

See how many straws you can connect end-to-end in a chain and still
consume a beverage with the apparatus.

Mow your lawn with scissors.

Carry a pet chicken with you at all times and claim it is your "spiritual
advisor".

Fill the bathtub each evening and play with your radio-controlled "navy".

Wear a blank nametag.

At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!"

Conduct pet weddings.

Wear green or black lipstick.

Frown, sniff the air, and ask someone, "Is that you?"

Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the
neighbors you are a "spider person".

Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy".

Attach diskettes to the fridge with magnets.

For a festive atmosphere, sprinkle glitter everywhere you go.

Marry yourself.

Vehemently insist that the cosine of any number is negative zero.

Whenever a co-worker sneezes or coughs, make elaborate waving motions
at them, and explain that you have a "gift of healing".

Plant dandelions.

Use inappropriate nouns as verbs.

Capitalize words Randomnly.

Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend".

Drop superballs down stairwells.

Tag pigeons with transmitters and track their movements in your local
park.

Sell potato chips in the desert.

Ask Santa for condoms.

When given change, bit it suspiciously to make sure it's not hollow.

Make new friends by leaving a trail of Reese's Pieces to your door.

As part of your Christmas display this year, include half a dozen
searchlights.

Eat peas one at a time.

Click your click eraser in and out...in and out...in and out until
you are assaulted.

Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers
in a notebook.  Mutter something about "psychological profiles".

Ask a plastic surgeon for:
  a second nose.
  earlobe implants.
  butt implants.
  an extra thumb on your forehead to keep your glasses on.
  hair on your eyelids.
  a tracheal harmonica.
  an extra joint in your arm.
  vampire fangs.
  a second bellybutton on your big toe.
  a drink holder on your knee.
  antlers.
  glow-in-the-dark armpit hair.
  a nostril-implanted pencil sharpener.
  all of the above!

Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't
cricket".

Stare at static on the tv and claim you can see a "magic picture".

Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.

Change your name to Robert Oot in hopes of getting the username "root".

Demand the right to perform animal sacrifices during exams.

Drop a test tube, and run from the room screaming "The killer flu is
loose! We're all doomed!"

Write an entire novel with 5,000 semi-colons and only one period.

Paw at someone's head while moaning "brains...brains..."

Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.

Bet a drinking buddy a quarter you can down his entire drink without
touching it.  If he accepts, announce "I lose", slap a quarter down,
and consume his three dollar drink.

Fidget constantly.

Demand that all your diskettes be replaced by those who use them in the
little plastic baggies in which you bought them.

In the back of a crowded room, announce "I see London, I see France..."

For your party, rent free tapes from the public service section of
the video store.  Show "Hepatitus and You" and "Our Friend Tungsten".

Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward
silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

Never make eye contact.

Never break eye contact.


A queer is sitting nursing a drink when the door to the lounge
opens and in walks a handsome young man. The faggot is interested and asks
the bartender who the young fellow is. The bartender informs the
ass-bandit that he is the new proctologist in town. The turd-tamper nearly
faints with delight and hurries off to make an appointment to see the new
doctor. On the day of his appointment, the fudge-packer arrives an hour
early. The receptionist sends him to an exam room to wait. When the doctor
finally opens the door to the exam room, the cum-guzzler is up on the
table, naked, on his hands and knees, butt towards the door. The doctor, a
bit taken aback, puts on the rubber gloves and proceeds to examine the
dick-smokers dirt chute. When he gets his arm into the nancy-boys rear
nearly up to his elbow he feels something out of the ordinary. By
thrusting his fingers into the point where his shoulder is slamming into
the rectal-reamers butt cheeks, he is able to grasp the end of the foriegn
object. He pulls with all his strength and starts to extract what looks
like a green stick with thorns on it. The doctor, eyes bulging in
disbelief, continues to pull on this oddity, until he fully removes a long
stemmed, American Beauty rose from the anus-lickers bunghole. He stammers
incredulously, "It's a flower!!!". At this point the pervert spreads his
ass-cheeks as far apart as he can and says, "read the the card, read the
card!"
	


 
Know why your sh_t is tapered at both ends?
So your butthole doesn't slam shut
 
 



Indications that you drink too much:

1 You lose arguments with inanimate objects
2 You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth
3 Job interfering with your drinking.
4 Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
5 Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
6 The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
7 Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
8 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence??
9 Two hands and just one mouth...
10 "Norm!" is what they say when you enter the bar.
11 When you can focus better with one eye closed
12 The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar
13 Every woman you see has an exact twin.
14 You wake up to find Windows 95 installed on your machine.
15 If you keep asking your wife "where are the kids?" but you don't
   really have a wife. She's really your couch.Plus you have nothing but beer
16 You fall off the floor...
17 Discover in morning liquid cleaning supplies have mysteriously
   disappeared
18 Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
19 Had "Spuds McKenzie" tattoo removed, replaced it with "Red Dog."
20 Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
21 Beer: it's not just for breakfast anymore.
22 The glass keeps missing your mouth!
23 Pat Buchanan starts to make sense
24 When you go to donate blood and they ask what proof??
25 Vampires catch a buzz after attacking you [also mosquitoes!]
26 Only drinking problem is not having a drink right now
27 At AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
28 Your idea of cutting back is less seltzer
29 When vomiting becomes a relief
30 Having a hard time staying on the side walk - left, right stumble
   fall
31 You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, and
   you asleep clothed.
32 The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
33 You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine,
   Alcohol,and Women.
34 Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and
   more attractive.
35 Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol.
36 Waking up with a traffic cone between your legs
37 I'm not drunk... you're just sober...
38 Problem? I Drink, I get Drunk, I Fall down....No Problem
39 If you're on a diet, you cut back your food calories to allow for
   alcohol calories
40 Even Johnny stops doing jokes about your drinking.
41 The bourbon bottle's empty...that's the problem! - Hey...let's go
   get some more!
42 Find yourself as the captain for the Exxon Valdez.
43 When the bar owner actually carved your name onto your own barstool
44 Roseanne looks good.
45 Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass
46 You LIKE to watch Barney because you're so drunk already!
47 That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
48 You find yourself actually enjoying the food at that all night
   greasy spoon!!!!
49 The Whisky Ainpit Working Anymoer
50 Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you
==============================================================


 For several years now, I've been blaming it on middle age. poor blood,
  lack of vitamins, air pollution. saccharin, dieting, underarm odour and
 another dozen maladies that make you wonder if life is really worth living.
  But i have found out that these are not the reasons!
  I'm tired b/c i'm overworked.
  The population of this country is 27 million.
  11 million are retired
  That leaves 16 million to do all the work
  6 million are in school
 That leaves 10 million to do all the work
  2 million are unemployed
  4 million are employed by the government
  that leaves 4 million to do all the work
  1 million are in the armed forces
  2 million are employed by municipalities and country councils
  That leaves 1 million to do all the work
  there are 620 000 people in hospitals
  there are 379 998 people in prisons
  that leaves 2 people to do the work
  YOU and ME and you are sitting on your ass reading this..
  No wonder i'm so bloody tired!!!

The Birth of a Candy Bar

One PAYDAY MR. PEANUT
wanted a BIT O'HONEY, so he
took MARY JANE behind the
POWERHOUSE on the corner of
CLARK and FIFTH AVE.  He
began to feel her MOUNDS.  That
was pure ALMOND JOY.  It
made her TOOTSIE ROLL.  He let out
a SNICKER as his
BUTTERFINGER went up her
JUICY FRUIT and caused a
MILKY WAY.  She screamed
OH HENERY as she squeezed his
PETER PAUL and ZAGNUTS
MARY JANE said: "you are even
better than the THREE MUSKETEERS."
Soon she was a bit CHUNKY
and nine months later had a BABY RUTH.







I dream of you lover, on this valentine,
I dream that this year, your love will be mine.
I dream of you lover, on warm moonlit nights,
Your eyes full of sparkling, glittering lights.
I dream of you darling, of your skin smooth as silk,
Of the tender white skin, with the texture of milk.
And I dream of you sweetheart, of a kiss soft and warm,
Although gone in a moment, it would last me 'til dawn.
But most of all lover, I'll pray you'll not mock,
I dream of you naked... on the end of my cock.


If you like the following humor there's more at:

http://www.sccs.swarthmore.edu/~yang/jokes/joke.html


               55 WAYS TO GET RID OF BLIND DATES

 
 1. At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as
    to give the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the
    waiter, who reaches for it.
 
 2. Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the
    restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table.
 
 3. Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.
 
 4. Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their
    reactions.
 
 5. Repeat every third third word you say say.
 
 6. Give your claim to fame as being voted "Most Festerous" for
    your high school yearbook.
 
 7. Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.
 
 8. Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly.
 
 9. Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know
    what they are talking about.
 
 10. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms
     outstretched, and make airplane sounds.
 
 11. Order a bucket of lard.
 
 12. Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well
     in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.
 
 13. Howl and whistle at womens' legs, especially if you are
     female.
 
 14. Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.
 
 15. Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date
     begins talking about themselves.
 
 16. Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme.
 
 17. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live
     food.
 
 18. Without asking, eat off your date's plate. Eat more from
     their plate than they do.
 
 19. Drool.
 
 20. Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and
     spray crumbs.
 
 21. Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed
     in front of you.
 
 22. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head
     waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different
     part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date
     finally finds you, ask him/her "What in the hell took you so
     long in the restroom?!?"
 
 23. Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to
     you.
 
 24. Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their
     plates.
 
 25. Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep
     bringing the subject up.
 
 26. Ask your date how much money they have with them.
 
 27. Order for your date. Order something nasty.
 
 28. Communicate in mime the entire evening.
 
 29. Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the
     windows, where you have a you have a good view of all exits,
     and where you can keep your back to the wall. Act nervous.
 
 30. Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs.
 
 31. Hum. Loudly. In monotone.
 
 32. Fill your pockets with sugar packets, as well as salt and
     pepper shakers, silverware, floral arrangements... i.e
     anything on the table that isn't bolted down.
 
 33. Hold a debate. Take both sides.
 
 34. Undress your date verbally. Use a bullhorn.
 
 35. Auction your date off for silverware.
 
 36. Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.
 
 37. Order a baked potato for a side dish. When the waiter brings
     your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the
     waiter for the potato you "never got". When the waiter
     returns with another potato for you, have the first one back
     up on the plate. Repeat later in the meal.
 
 38. Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments.
 
 39. Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy. Get it on
     tape, and use good judgement in editing to twist their words
     around.
 
 40. Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.
 
 41. Speak in pig latin throughout the meal (Or ubber-dubber
     language, or just nonsense).
 
 42. Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to
     the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one
     of the chairs. Insist that they just need airing out.
 
 43. If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the
     menu. Take one bite.
 
 44. Bring 20 or so candles you, and during the meal get up
     and arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant.
 
 45. Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you're taking
     them home to your invalid, senile old mother, because it's a
     lot cheaper than actually feeding her.
 46. Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.
 
 47. Take a thermos along, and hide it under the table. Order
     coffee, and fill the thermos one cup at a time, taking advantage
     of the free refills.
 
 48. Insist that the waiter cuts your food into little pieces. In
     a simliar vein, insist that he take a bite of everything on
     the plate, to make sure no one poisoned it.
 
 49. Accuse your date of espionage.
 
 50. Make odd allusions to dangerous religious cults.
 
 51. Don't use any verbs during the entire meal.
 
 52. Pass the hat in the restaurant. Use the proceeds (if any) to
     pay the bill.
 
 53. Break wind loudly. Add color commentary. Bow.
 
 54. Feed imaginary friends, or toy dolls you've brought along.
 
 55. Bring a bucket along. Explain that you frequently get ill.




 "You know you're Asian if . . . "
 -------------------------------------------------
1. your mother has a short-haired, curly perm

2. your dad is some sort of engineer

3. your parents still tried to get you into places half-price
   saying you were 12 when you were really 15

4. you ask your parents help on one math problem and 2 hours
   later they're still lecturing

5. you have a 40 lb. bag of rice in your pantry

6. you shop 99 Ranch

7. everyone thinks you're "Chinese" no matter what part of Asia
   your ancestors were from

8. you've had a bowl haircut at one point in your life.

9. your parents enjoy comparing you to their friends' kids.

10. you've had to sit through karaoke videos with scantily
    clad, ugly Asian women attempting to dance and walk around a
    temple, forest or library.

11. your parents say, "Don't forget your heritage."

12. you drive mostly Japanese cars.

13. you've learned to keep bargaining even if the prices are rock bottom.

14. you've had to eat parts of animals they don't even put in hot dogs.

15. at least once, you've started a joke with "Confucius say . . . "

16. you know what bok choy is

17. you've ever gotten little red envelopes around February.

18. piles of shoes tend to make it hard to open the front, back and closet 
    doors.

19. you hear (your name + eee (optional) + yah!) every time someone calls 
    you. (e.g., Jean- ee - yah! or     Mary - yah!).

20. you have NO eyelashes.

21. idiot people try to impress you with pathetic imitation Asian languages, 
    like the ever-so-popular: ching chong woo bok chi, etc . . .

22. your parents say leaving rice in your bowl is a sin.

23. the Bio lectures on marine life (seaweed, sea cucumbers,octopii) was 
    last night's dinner

24. your ancestors 1000 generations back invented the back scratcher.

25. at least one family member wears black wire/plastic frame glasses

26. your parents hover over your tired, caffeine-drugged body at 12 midnight 
    to say, "In Korea (or other native country), we studied even more."

27. your parents expect you'll be best friends with any one off the street 
    in any given area as long as they are Asian.

28. an Asian woman comes on campus and people ask: "Is that your mother?
    Well then, is it your sister?"

29. your relatives' houses smell like incense, mothballs or both

30. your parents say, "Calculus? I took calculus in 8th grade!!"

31. everyone thinks you're good at math.

32. your parents' vocabulary is filled with "Ai-yahs and Wah's"

33. you like $1.75 movies

34. you like $1.50 movies even more.

35. your aunts and uncles bring you back adorable clothing from Asia with 
    fuzzy bunnies, vinyl ducks and English words that make no sense, in 
    great colors like yellow,pink,magenta, orange and the ever popular lime green.

36. your parents insist you marry within your race.

37. you never order chop suey, sweet and sour pork, or any other imitation
    oriental food.

38. you either really, really want to go to UCI or really, really want to 
    stay away from it.

39. your parents have never kissed you

40. your parents have never kissed each other

41. you learned about the birds and the bees from someone other than your
    parents

42. "You want a stereo!" When I was your age, I didn't even have shoes!!"

43. people see a bunch of scribbles on a chopstick and ask you to translate.

44. you have to call just about all your parent's friends "Auntie and 
    Uncle."

45. you have 12+ aunts and uncles

46. at expensive restaurants, you order a delicious glass of water for your
    beverage and NEVER order dessert.

47. your parents simply cut the green/black part off the bread and say "Eat 
    it anyway. It's still good."

48. the vast majority of the people related to you wear glasses. Thick glasses.

49. you will most likely be taller than your parents.

50. your parents have either made you play the piano, the violin or both.

51. you get nothing if you do well in school, but get in big trouble if you 
    don't

52. when going to other peoples' houses, you always have to bring a gift.

53. your dad still pulls his socks up to his knees, you know, the ones with 
    the blue and pink stripes at the top.

54. your family owns a tennis racquet, golf clubs, or both.

55. your family always cheers for the Asian athlete on TV (i.e.,Michael 
    Chang)

56. the furniture in your house never matches the wallpaper,the carpet, the
    decorations or any of the rest of the furniture.

57. you have rocks, sticks, leaves and strange-smelling,unknown substances 
    in your pantry for use as medicine.

58. you own a rice cooker or two

59. you buy soy sauce by the gallon.

60. your family owns butcher knives bigger than your head.

61. your parents tell you about how long it took for them to get to school, 
    how horrible the weather was in their native country, and how 
    much they still appreciated going.

62. your parents buy you clothes and shoes many sizes too big so you can
    "grow into it" and wear it for years to come."



 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
WHEN THE BODY WAS FIRST MADE ALL ITS PARTS WANTED TO BE BOSS...
 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


THE BRAIN SAID : Since I control everything and do all the
                 work I should be boss.

THE FEET SAID:   Since i carry man where he wants to go and
                 get him to do what the Brain wants, I should
                 Be boss.

THE HANDS SAID:  Since I must do all the work and earn all the
                 money to keep all the rest of you going,
                 I should be boss.

THE EYES SAID:   Since I must look out for all of you and
                 tell you where danger lurks, I should be boss.

And so it went with the Heart, the Ears, and the Lungs.
Finally the Asshole spoke up and demanded that he be boss.
All the other parts laughed and laughed at the idea of an
asshole being boss.

The Asshole was so angered that he blocked himself off and
refused to function.  Soon the Brain was feverish, the Eyes
crossed and ached, the Feet were too weak to walk, the Hands
hung limply at his side, the Heart and Lungs struggled to
keep going.

All pleaded with the Brain to relent and let the Asshole be
boss, and so it happened.  All parts did the work and the
Asshole just bossed and passed out a lot of shit.


MORAL:  You don't have to be a brain to be boss, just an
        Asshole.



Lovely things to do to a woman you really care about


Return her phone calls after a delay -- if at all -- to show her
who's in charge.  When you do call her, don't feel obligated to stop
talking with whomever is in the room with you.  Provide her the
luxury of listening to your half of an ongoing conversation.

Call her answering machine and leave a message for an old girlfriend
by mistake.

Get angry if her line is ever busy and you can't get through when you
call.  Then get even angrier when she finally gets call waiting and
puts you on hold.

When you're over her house and her phone rings, ask accusingly, "I
wonder who THAT could be?"

During those first few moments of intimacy, when she asks if you have
protection and you don't, lie.  She won't mind once things get going.

Stake your claim: leave a "love bite" high up on her neck or some
other noticeable place.

Answer her phone at 6am when her mother calls.

At the beach, offer to rub suntan lotion on her back.  Spread it on
in nifty patterns.

Tell the waiter you're both ready to order when she's obviously not.
Order for her at dinner without asking her what she'd like to eat.

Act insulted when she swoons over Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon, then
wistle loudly and wave at Michelle Pfeiffer during Batman Returns.

Share a story about something great you did together, then, seeing
her puzzled expression, say, "Oh I guess that wasn't you after all."

Talk to the dog instead of her.  Say "The dog likes ME better."

Be sure to greet her when she gets home from work with the three
words no woman can hear often enough: "What's for dinner?"

Ask her to make you apple pie like your mom used to make, then
grimace after tasting it.

Leave the toilet seat up, especially during the night-- she's more
likely to fall in that way.

Forget which day her birthday is, then send a belated greeting with a
sorrowful-eyed kitten on it.

Use the vacation money you've both been saving to buy a laserdisc
player.

Talk baby talk to her when she's in a bad mood.

"Accidentally" read her diary, then confront her about its contents.

Act like nothing is wrong after a big fight.  Say, "Wanna go to a
movie?"

When she's sticking to her diet and you're out on the town together,
be sure to order her favorite dessert for yourself.  Recommend your
ex-girlfriend's exercise class to her.  Buy her a "Buns of Steel"
workout tape.  Then buy her the Cindy Crawford workout tape for your
own viewing pleasure.

As you fondle her breasts during an intimate moment, murmur in her
ear: "Ah, the smaller the grapes, the sweeter the wine."

Tell her you're not impressed by gorgeous, slender glamour girls,
you'd rather come home to HER.

Give her other backhanded compliments, such as "Black is so slimming"
or "Your skin has really cleared up."

Leave your underwear all over the floor and complain "This place is a
mess"

Sleep with your arms around her like an octopus, so when she wakes
up, her whole body has gone to sleep.

Push her head down to indicate you'd like a blowjob.  (This is my pet
peeve.  -TK)

Call out another woman's name at the moment of climax.  Call out a
man's name at the moment of climax.

If it was all over in 30 seconds or less, dare to ask, "Was it good
for you?"

Say, "Honey, I introducted you to my parents as my FRIEND because I
think of you as a friend.  A really good friend.  You're a girl and
you're my friend.  They know you're a girl, so I just say 'friend.'"


              <APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER>

[NOTE:This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by 
a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical 
report from your doctor.]

NAME______________________________________
DATE OF BIRTH_____________
HEIGHT____________  WEIGHT_____________  I.Q.__________  GPA_____________
SOCIAL SECURITY #____________________
DRIVERS LICENSE #________________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES____________________________________
HOME ADDRESS__________________________  CITY/STATE___________  ZIP_____
Do you have ONE male and ONE female parent?__________  If NO, explain
___________________________________________________________________
Number of years married________If less than your age, explain_____________
___________________________________________________________________
Do you own a van?_____  A truck with oversized tires?_____ A waterbed?_____
A pickup with a mattress in the back?______  A condom?____
Pornography?_______Do you have earring, nose ring, or a belly button ring?__ 
A tattoo?___________
(IF YES TO THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES)
In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to
you?______________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________  
__________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER, mean to
you?______________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________  
__________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to
you?______________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________  
__________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
Church you attend:_________________________________  How often you
attend:_______
When would be the best time to interview your father, mother, and 
priest?______
Answer by filling in the blank.  Please answer freely, all answers are
confidential. (that means I won't tell anyone EVER)
A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be :
             ________________________
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my
             ________________________
C: A woman's place is in the
             __________________________________________________
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is
             ____________________
E: When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first is
             ______________________
NOTE: if answer E begins with T or A, discontinue.  Leaving premises keeping
your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised.
What do you want to do IF you grow up?_________________________________
What is the current going rate of a hotel room?____________________________
Condoms come in  A)3  B) 6  C) 9  D) 12  E)ALL OF THE ABOVE (circle one)

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST 
OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT 
TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT
POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.
_______________________________________
Signature (that means sign your name moron)

Thank you for your interest.  Please allow four to six years for processing.
You will be contacted in writing if you are approved.  Please do not try to
call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury)  If
your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing
white ties carrying violin cases (you might watch your back).



Quote of the week:  The chicken crossing the road....poultry in motion.


 An attractive woman entered a pet shop.  When the clerk offered
assistance, she explained that she was recently divorced, and was looking
for a small-ish dog for company.
  The clerk explained that the name of the store was 'Exotic Pets' and
that, unfortunately, they did not stock cats, dogs, fish or any commonplace
pets.
  He did say, however, that he had something which might be ideal.
  He took the woman into a back room.  He walked over to a terrarium, and
pointed proudly to a large bullfrog which sat inside it. 
  "Would that suit your needs?", he asked.
  The woman answered, scornfully, that she hardly thought an
amphibian would be a suitable companion.
  "Ah", replied the salesman, leering, "but this 'amphibian' has been
carefully trained ... to perform oral sex upon women."
  At this the woman's eyes lit up.  She eagerly negotiated a price of $500
for the frog, and left with it in her expectant possession. Arriving home,
she drew a bubble bath, poured a glass of champagne and relaxed in
anticipation.  When she was thoroughly mellow, she dried herself, and
arranged herself, nude, upon her bed.  Parting her thighs, she placed the
frog between them, closed her eyes, and waited. 
  Nothing happened.
She prodded the frog.
  Still nothing.
She moved it up further toward her body.
  Nothing.
She ordered it to perform.
  No response.
  After an hour of this frustration, she lifted the phone, and called the
pet shop. When the clerk answered, she complained loudly that she had been
cheated.  The clerk apologized profusely, wrote down her address, and said
he'd be right over. 
  Ten minutes later, he knocked on the door, and the woman answered, wearing
a nightgown.  He asked her to demonstrate the problem.  She obliged, by
disrobing and assuming her former position, with the frog in place. 
  The frog made no movement.
  "You see?", she asked, petulantly.
  "Yes, I do", said the man.
  Then, addressing the frog as he removed his necktie and shirt, he
said, "Now, I'm only going to show you this one more time..."


1) There was this guy on an airplane and he really had to go to the 
bathroom. When
       he went in, there was a sign on the door that said "Don't press the 
blue button."
      The guy didn't think anything of it as he sat down on the toilet seat. 
He...did his duty
      and looked around for the button to flush the toilet. There were three 
buttons :red,
      yellow, and blue. He pressed the red button(had W written on it) and 
water
      sprayed him."Woo-hoo." he thought.Then he pressed the yellow button( 
it had A
      written on it) and air sprayed on him. " Oh-yea." he said. Then he 
pressed the blue
      button(it had ATR written on it). He blacked out. When he woke up, he 
was in the
      hospital. "What happened ?"he asked. " You idiot!" the doctor 
said,"you pressed
      the blue button!" "Well what does the ATR button do?" It was the 
 Automatic
      Tampon Remover.


Dear All


Please find below a problem which a friend of mine has - please advise a
solution:

Last year a friend of mine upgraded his MS Girlfriend Version 1.0 to MS 
Wife version 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog, leaving very little 
system resources for other applications.  He is only now noticing that Wife

1.0 is spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable 
resources.  No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the 
product brochure or the documentation (typical of MS!),  though other users

have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the 
application.

Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at 
system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity.  He's

finding that some applications such as PokerNite 10.3, BeerBach 2.5 and 
PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the 
system when selected (even though they always ran fine before).  At 
installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation
of undesired Plug-ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta 
release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

Some key features he would like to see in the upcoming release of Wife 2.0.

     1.  A 'Don't Remind Me Again' button
     2.  A Minimize button
     3.  An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed 
with the option to uninstall at any time without the loss of Cash and other
          system resources.
     4.  An option to run the network drive in 'Promiscuous mode' which
          would allow the system hardware probe feature to be much more
          utilized.

I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by 
purchasing Girlfriend 2.0.  Even here, however, I found many problems.
 Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0.  
You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first.  Other users say this is a long 
standing bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of 
Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they 
would have fixed such a stupid bug by now!  To make matter worse,
the uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesn't work very well, leaving 
undesired traces of the application in the system.  Another thing that 
sucks -- all versions of Girlfriend continually pop up little annoying 
messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.

      *********  Bug Warning *********

Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug.  If you try to install MS Mistress 1.1 
before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MS Money files before 
doing the uninstall itself.  Then Ms Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, 
claiming 'Insufficient Resources".

     *********  Bug Work-Arounds ********

To avoid the above bug, try installing MS Mistress 1.1 on a different 
system and never run any file transfer applications such as LapLink 6.0.  
Also, beware of similar ShareWare applications that have been known to 
carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0.  Another solution would be to run 
MS Mistress 1.1 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous login.  Here 
again, beware of the viruses which can accidentally be downloaded from the 
UseNet.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My suggestion was delete Girlfriend 2.0!!  What do you think??
Please forward your ideas.....If any different

What's the difference between Simba ( the lion 
from the movie The Lion King) and O.J. Simpson( you've got to know who he 
is)? Oneis an African lion and the other is a lyin' African.


WARNING- the following may not be suitable for sensitive viewers 

				"The Sesame Street GangLearns 														Something New"
				~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

			Grover was really bored, one day..  BigBird was
collecting cans for the poor, and Oscar the Grouch was in one of
his pissed-off moods again.  So he decided to go over to Maria's house.
			"Hi, Maria!" Grover exclaimed as heentered.  The sight
he saw was one he would not soon forget..  Maria lay on the couch,
wearing nothing but a pair of high-heeled shoes.  She had one of
her fingers deep inside her wet pussy, the digit probing and caressing her
inner membranes. She looked up and saw Grover, and was startled; she
had not expected any company.  But a lewd grin soon replaced her
initial look of apprehension; she invited Grover to join her on the couch.  Now
Grover,you see, was a virgin.  He didn't ever admit it to any of the other
Sesame Street gang, but he had never even felt a girl's tits. So you can imagine
the wave of pleasure that swept over him.
Without a word, Grover approached Maria, and crawled on top of her. 

			Since muppets don't wear clothes, he didn't have to
undress.  He reached between his legs, and from the jungle of blue
fur extracted a huge blue cock, hairy from end to end.  It was already
fully erect, and fit to burst. With one deft move, Maria parted her pussy lips,
already wet from masturbation, and Grover soon filled her void with his heaving
azure member.  He pumped up and down on Maria, the sensuous
movement bringing his excitement to a fever pitch.  The puppeteers had their hands full
that day!
			Maria was experiencing a whole newworld of pleasure,
herself; she had never fucked a muppet before, and it proved to be
an incredible experience.
			 Grover soon exploded inside her, hiswarm fuzzy dick
going off like a cannon deep within Maria.  She screamed, as she was
climaxing at the same time.  She grabbed ahold of Grover's blue shoulders,
and almost wept on his shoulder, so powerful was the experience.
			But Grover wasn't done yet.  His furry member had gone
soft, and he wanted it hard again.  So he leaned over, and took one
of Maria's pert breasts in his mouth.  His plush tongue caressed and fondled
the nipple, and Maria moaned at the pleasure of it.  The nipple was very hard,
and Grover was having a delightful time, tasting bare
tit for the first time.  Soon Maria decided it was her turn to have
a little "taste" of the action.  She shoved Grover off her tit, and bent
down.  With both hands she grasped his monstrous cock, and began to stroke
it,slowly at first, then with greater and greater intensity.  Grover (actually
Frank Oz) moaned and cried at the incredible feeling.  The member was soon
hard as a rock, and Maria lifted it to her eager lips.  She devoured his cock
with great appetite, sliding her mouth up and down the plush
boner, and with her hands she stroked his blue balls.  Grover, by
this time, was about ready to come, and he cried out; simultaneously, great
bursts of white cum exploded from his member into Maria's mouth, and she
eagerly swallowed the divine nectar of his loins.  She was pleasantly surprised to find it
tasted like marshmallows.
			Grover knew he must have more.  Heturned Maria around,
so she was on all fours; he licked and sucked her ass and pussy,
burying his big furry head between her creamy thighs.  Soon, he was erect again;
and without another word, he proceeded to drive his massive rod into
her ass, again and again.  He was like an animal.  Maria cried out
in a mixture of pain and ecstasy:  "Oh, Grover, Yes, Grover!"  Grover knew, as he
came one more time, that learning letters and numbers just wasn't going to cut it
anymore.
			At about this time, Bert and Ernie stopped by Maria's.
They were going to go miniature golfing.  But when they saw the vicious fucking
on the couch, they knew that they were staying right there.
			They quickly stripped, and Bert fucked Ernie's ass so
hard that Ernie screamed.  Bert bucked back and forth like a kid on
a rocking horse, and held on to Ernie by Ernie's own cock.
			Of course, by this time, Grover and Mariawere aware
that they had company.  They watched the pair butt fuck,
becoming aroused themselves; then they decided that they wanted to join in.  After
Bert had climaxed, Maria shoved Ernie onto his back, and straddled him. 
She began rubbing her fuzzy mound, just to tease Ernie; he cried out for her
to stop.
			She then took his swollen member in her hand, and
guided it gently into her soaking wet pussy. She began to move up
and down; she became so aroused that vaginal juices were dripping down from
her pussy onto Ernie's pubic region.
			Before Ernie could cum, she pulled herself up off him;
and then, without a word of explanation, turned around, and sat down
on his cock with her back facing him. She leaned forwards, as if to touch
her toes, and Ernie was amazed at how deep he could penetrate her in
this position. 
			Regions of Maria never touched before by muppet dick were now being
slammed again and again by the furious force of Ernie's dick.  He finally came, great
bursts of white hot jizzum swimming through her inner recesses like a school
of fish. She moaned in ecstasy, knowing that muppets make the best lovers.
			All this time, don't think for a minute that Grover and
Bert were idle.  Janice, from the muppet show, had stopped by; and
God knows Janice never misses an opportunity for a good fuck.  She had
stripped within seconds, and lay down on the floor with her legs
spread far apart.  Bert knelt down in front of her, and shoved his massive cock
into her tight hot pussy. Janice cried for Grover, and he crammed his dick
into her eager mouth. Janice was having a fine time, let me tell you! She
hungrily ate up Grover's dick, and deep-throated it, quite an accomplishment when
you take its size into account. With one hand, she rubbed and fondled Grover's balls.  
With the other,she assisted Bert, spreading apart her pussy lips, and
guiding him in as efficiently as possible.  Soon, Bert came, in a
furious thunderclap of semen; and just as she felt his burning love course through
her,Grover's dick spurted in her mouth, the delicious elixer trickling down her
thirsty throat.
			Before long, Maria and the muppet'senergy were spent.
They had had a fine time, and Grover had learned a lot about
women. Grover's sexual knowledge before was minimal; Cookie
Monsterhad once tried to explain masturbation to him, but a strange look in his
eyes had frightened Grover away.  The count insisted that sucking blood was
only one thing you could suck, and certainly not the best thing.  And
when the big purple two-headed monster tried to show Grover that
it actually had four heads, he ran away screaming.  But now Grover knew about
the intimate parts of women very well.
			Some questions remained unanswered,however; questions
that he knew may never be answered.
			1.Why is Oscar so grouchy all the time? 
			Does it have anything to do with Elmo?
			2.What sex is BigBird, anyhow?
			3.How big is the snuffolafagus?
			4.Where is Kermit's pecker?  He doesn't seem to have one at all.
			5.Is that really Gonzo's nose?
			6.Why is Miss Piggy such a bitch all the time?  (refer to #4)
			7.Why are there so many little kids always running around?
			8.What do the "Pigsin Space" do for fun?  Do they all share Miss Piggy?
			9.Are those two old guys in the balcony gay or something?
			10.How come there are no Native American muppets?
			11.What does Mr.Rogers do all day in that big house of his?

			The day had drawn to a close, and the five of them
decided to get a bite to eat.  They went to a local deli for some peanut butter
sandwiches. On the way there, the five discussed their feelings and concerns,
and how the next time could be more satisfactory for all involved. After their
meal,they all joined in a rousing chorus of "rubber ducky."  Bert suggested the
number of the day be "69," and they  all laughed.  All around, a good
time was had by all, and a feeling of fellowship drifted over Sesame Street
that night.

WITH SEX ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE


The world's best and most famous conductor makes a small mistake
while conducting the New York Symphony Orchestra. The audience
doesn't notice, the orchestra didn't notice either, but he knew
he'd made the mistake and decided that he should retire. Once the
performance had finished, he turned and faced the audience and said
"Ladies and Gentleman, this is my last performance as a world class
conductor. I'm now announcing my retirement."


After a few minutes silence from the shocked audience, and orchestra
too, he was greeted with boos and hisses. He walked from the stage,
only to be met by his manager, standing in between two gorilla-sized
bodyguards. "Oh no you don't", his manager said, "you're not retiring."


Forced backed to work by his manager, he endured week after week of
conducting he no longer wanted to do. While lying in bed one night
with  his wife of many years, he turned to her and said "Dear, would
you be able to get me a small hand-gun?" "Yes dear", she said, and he
rolled over and went to sleep.

Sure enough, at his next performance, the conductor began with the
small hand-gun concealed in the his jacket. Once the concert had
finished, he turned to the audience and said "I'm announcing my retirement
for the second time. This is my last performance."

The tuba player from the orchestra stood up and shouted "You can't
be serious!", and the conductor whipped out his hand-gun and shot the tuba
player dead. It wasn't long before the police arrived and the conductor
was taken away.


Days later, the conductor was taken to court. "How do you plead to the
charge of first-degree murder?", the judge inquired. "Guilty your honour",
the conductor replied. "Do you realise that the sentence for first degree
murder in this state is death by electricution?",the  judge added.
The conductor thought for a moment, but came to the conclusion that death
would surely be better than continuing on like he was. "Yes your honour",
the conductor said.

While being strapped into the electric chair, one of the guards came to the
conductor and said "You may have one last request before we terminate your
life. What would you like?" After pondering for a few seconds,the conductor
replied "A silver platter with a dozen bananas."  His request was granted,
and the conductor scoffed the bananas. The room was emptied, and the switch
was flicked. The conductor's hair stood on end, but he survived!
As one guard was about to the flick the switch again, he was stopped.
"He survived the chair and the law says we have to let him go."


The conductor left the building, only to be greeted by his manager and
the two gorilla-sized bodyguards. "Back to work", his manager said.
More weeks of forced conducting went by. Lying in bed again one night
with wife, he asked "Dear, could you get me a grenade?" "Yes dear",
she  replied.

At his next performance, the conductor waited until the end of the
concert, the grenade tucked neatly in his undies. "For the third time,
I'm annoucing my retirement!", he yelled. The conductor took out the
grenade,pulled the pin,and threw it into the audience.The grenade exploded,
killing 23 members of the crowd.The police arrived, and he was taken away
again.


"You again?",the judge asked,"I thought I'd sentenced you to death not long
 ago?"  The conductor shrugged.
"Ok,how do you plead to 23 counts of first degree murder?", the judge said.
"Guilty to all counts", the  conductor replied.

While the settings were changed to triple the voltage of the current going
to the chair, the conductor was granted another last reuqest.
"A silver platter with 2 dozen bananas" was his answer. He scoffed the
bananas the room was evacuated and the switch was flicked. It appeared that they'd
manage to kill him this time,but their fears were  realised when the
conductor regained consciousness as they were about to remove his body.
His manager and the two gorilla-sized bodyguards were waiting for him
and he left the building. "Back to work."


The weeks dragged on, and the conductor had all that he could take.

"Dear, could you get me a missile launcher?", he asked his wife as
they lay in bed.  "Yes dear", she replied.


It was all too much for the conductor, and he didn't even wait for the
concert to start. "Damn you all!" he screamed,
and launched a missile into the New York Symphony Orchestra, killing all 190
odd band members.The army was called in this time, and he was dragged away.


"Jesus Christ, you again!?! You're supposed to be DEAD!", the judge roared.

The conductor just shrugged.

"May I ask how you plead for 190 counts of first degree murder?"
"Guilty as sin!", the conductor screamed, "the ****** deserved it!"
The conductor was hauled away.

A public announcement was issued to all local residents warning that
there would be a short cut in the power. Meanwhile, the cities' electrical
engineers were busy re-routing all the electricity they could into the
electric chair. Once again, the conductor was granted a last request.

"Three dozen bananas on a silver platter", he said.

He scoffed the bananas, the building was completely vacated, and the 
electric chair was activated by remote control, some 2 kilometres away.

The building exploded, reducing it to rubble. They fished through the ruins
to find the conductor's ruined body.

His funeral was held some days later and as the casket was being lowered 
into the grave there was a knock on the coffin lid.

Women fainted as the conductor crawled out of coffin - alive!

He was taken to a large press conference. One reporter stood up and asked

"You've survived three visits to the electric chair. How did you do it?"

"I've tried telling people before", he said.

"I'm just a bad conductor!"
 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Watch Out for These Viruses....

       HILLARY CLINTON VIRUS: Files disappear, only to reappear
       mysteriously a year later, in another directory.

       O.J. SIMPSON VIRUS: You know it's guilty of trashing your system,
       but you just can't prove it.

       BILL CLINTON VIRUS: Suddenly appears from nowhere, promises to
       upgrade all your applications, gains control of your computer,then 
       totally corrupts your entire system for four years.

       PAT BUCHANAN VIRUS: Your system works fine, but it complains
       loudly about foreign software.

       POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS:  Never identifies itself as a "virus,"
       but instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism."

       ROSS PEROT VIRUS:  Activates every component in your system, just
       before the whole thing quits.

       COLIN POWELL VIRUS: Makes its presence known, but doesn't do
       anything. Secretly, you wish it would.

       AIRLINE LUGGAGE VIRUS: You're in L.A., but your data winds up in
       Dallas.

       HEALTH CARE VIRUS:  Tests your system for a day, finds nothing
       wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

       PAUL REVERE VIRUS:  This revolutionary virus does not horse
       around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack:  Once, if by 
       LAN; twice if by C.

       DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Their is sumthing rong with your komputer, but
       ewe cant figyour owtt watt!

       GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS:  Nothing works, but all your
       diagnostic software says everything is fine.

       FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS:  Divides your hard disk into hundreds
       of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of
       which claim to be the most important part of  your computer.

       GALLUP VIRUS:  Sixty percent of the PC's infected will lose 30
       percent of their data 14% of the time (plus or minus a 3.5  % margin
       of error).

       TEXAS VIRUS:  Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

       ADAM AND EVE VIRUS:  Takes a couple bytes out of your Apple.

       CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS:  The computer locks up, and the screen
       splits in half with the same message appearing on each side of the
       screen.  The message says that the blame for the gridlock is caused by
       the other side.

       FREUDIAN VIRUS:  Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its
       own motherboard.

       PBS VIRUS:  Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for
       money.

       ELVIS VIRUS:  Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy, then self
       destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations
       across rural America.

       OLLIE NORTH VIRUS:  Causes your printer to become a paper
       shredder.

       NIKE VIRUS:  Just does it.

       SEARS VIRUS:  Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables,
       power supply, and a set of shocks.

       JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS:  Your programs can never be found again.

       KEVORKIAN VIRUS:  Helps your computer shut down as an act of
       mercy.

       STAR TREK VIRUS:  Invades your system in places where no virus
       has gone before.
 ------------------------------------------------------------

A little boy and his mother were waiting in line at the supermarket
and in front of them was a huge, fat woman. Suddenly the fat lady's
pager went off. "Mom, look out! she's backing up!"





Men's Restroom Etiquette

Men should ace this test ... women may have a little difficulty.
There IS a code of "Restroom Etiquette" that MUST be followed.
===============================================
The following is the urinal configuration in a sample men's room.
An X above the number will indicate "in use."
(Sample):

|   |   | x |   |   | x |     (Indicates that urinals 3 and 6
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |     are occupied.)
-------------------------
You are to identify correctly, based on urinal etiquette, at
which stall you are to stand.  Good luck!
--------------------
Easy Section
--------------------
1.)

|   | x |   | x |   |   |     (Urinals 2 and 4 occupied.)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
-------------------------
Your choice: ___
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Correct answer: 6        It's the ONLY one to go to and every guy
                         instinctively knows this.
===============================================
2.)

| x |   |   |   |   |   |    (Urinal 1 occupied.)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
-------------------------
>>>>  Your choice:  ___
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Correct answer: 6        Stall 5 is acceptable, but you run a
                         greater risk of being next to someone
                         who arrives later.
===============================================
-------------------------
Kind of tricky Section:
-------------------------
3.)

|   |   |   |   |   |   |   (empty)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
--------------------------
Your choice:  __
-----------------------------------------------------------------
 Correct answer:  1 or 6    You are tacitly saying,
                            "I don't want anyone next to me."
===============================================
4.)
|   | x |   | x |   | x |       (2, 4 and 6 occupied)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
-------------------------
Your choice:  ___
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Correct answer:  1        You're stuck being next to at
                          least ONE guy, so you minimize the
                          impact and get a wall on your left.
                          NEVER go between TWO guys if you
                          can help it.  Exceptions to this
                          are stadium restrooms where the
                          herd thunders in.
===============================================
-----------------------------------------------
Subtle, tricky, but important to know Section
-----------------------------------------------
5.)
|   | x |   |   | x | x |          (2, 5 and 6 occupied)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
-------------------------
Your choice:  __
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Correct answer:  4       Believe it or not,  1 and 3 "couples"
                         you with the guy in stall 2.  And we
                         wouldn't want THAT now, would we?
                         This differs from question 4 in such a
                         subtle way that the nuances cannot be
                         explained.  Suffice to say, only we men
                        would understand!
===============================================
-----------------------------
VERY tricky indeed Section
-----------------------------
6..)
| x | x |   |   | x | x |          (1, 2, 5 and 6 occupied)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
-------------------------
Your choice:  ___
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Correct answer:  NONE!  You go to the mirror and pretend to
                        comb your hair or straighten a tie
                        until the urinals "open up" a bit more.
                        If you have to go REAL, REAL BAD, for
                        god's sake! ... use a doored stall.
===============================================
Other parts of the Unwritten Code of the Urinals:
-- NO Talking, unless it's a good friend... but even then, keep
   it terse and unemotional.  This ain't no clubhouse.
-- I don't think I need to tell you, absolutely NO touching of
   anyone other than yourself.  A touch of another's elbow is of
   the highest offense.
-- NO Singing.  Period.
-- Glances are for purposes of acknowledgment only..."Yeah, I see
   you there.  I will not look again".




 One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister
 at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem--my
 husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons.
 It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
 "I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
 I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion
 to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke
 in the leg."
 In church the following Sunday, Jones dozed off. Noticing this,
 the preacher put his plan to work. "And who lay made the ultimate
 sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
 "Jesus!" Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.
 "Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister.
 Soon, Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed.
 "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
 Mrs. Jones.
 "God!" Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
 "Right again," said the minister, smiling.
 Before long, Jones again winked off. However, this time the
 minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he
 made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
 husband with the hatpin again.
 The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she
 bore him his 99th son?"
 Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing
 in me one more time and I'll break it off and shove it up your ass!"

*************************************************************************

 For a class project, Miss Brown, asked her students to tell her about
 their fathers. "Tell me his name, spell out his occupation, and tell us
 what he would do or say if he was here in the classroom. Okay, Billy, you
 go first." "My Dad's name is Bob. He's a B-A-K-E-R, and if he was
 here, he'd give us all some cupcakes." "That's nice Billy, I'm sure he
 would, okay, Terence you're next." "My Dad's name is Ralph. He's an
 E-L-E-K...E-L-U-C.... "That's okay Terence, we'll let you think about it
 a  while....Ricky, your turn." "My Dad's name is Smitty. He's a 
B-O-O-K-I-E,
 and if he was here he'd give us 20 to 1 odds that, that little bastard, 
Billy,
 won't spell electrician.

 **************************************************************************
 A priest is giving a man last rites in the hospital: he says, "I know
 you can't talk with that tube in your neck, so why not write a note for
 your wife, and I'll deliver it."
 The man scribbles furiously, then dies; next day, the priest hands the
 wife the note -- she opens it and it reads, "Get your foot off my fucking
 oxygen hose!

 **************************************************************************

 --------------------------------------------------------------------
 
  Q. What have a fat bird and a moped got in common?
  A. They're both a good ride but you wouldn't want your mates to see
  you on one.
 
 --------------------------------------------------------------------
 
  An Eskimo takes his snowmobile to the mechanic. The mechanic sticks
  his head under the hood and has a look at the engine. Eventually he
  declares, "You must have blown a seal." "Er, no," replies the Eskimo
  wiping his mouth, "I think that's mayonnaise."
 
 --------------------------------------------------------------------
 
  Q: Why do mice have such tiny balls?
  A: Because so very few of them can dance.
 
 --------------------------------------------------------------------
 
  Q: What's the difference between an all-girl running team and a band
  of pygmies?
 
  A: Pigmies are cunning runts.
 
 --------------------------------------------------------------------
 
  One night, as a couple retire to bed, the husband turns to his wife
  and begins caressing her. "I'm sorry darling," says the wife, "I've
  got an appointment with the gynecologist tomorrow and I want to stay
  fresh." The husband, feeling rejected, turns over and tries to sleep.
  A few minutes later, he rolls back over and tries his luck again. This
  time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist's appointment
  tomorrow too?"
 
 --------------------------------------------------------------------
 
  Q: Why do crabs have bags under their eyes?
  A: Because they only sleep in snatches.
 
 --------------------------------------------------------------------
 
  An aged couple are in bed making love. "Careful," says the old girl,
  "I've got acute angina." "That's good," gasps the old geezer, "'Cause
  your tits are knackered."
 
 --------------------------------------------------------------------
 
  Three missionaries are caught by savages in the jungle. The chief
  savage decides they have good skins and orders them to be executed and
  made into canoes. Each is given a last wish. The first asks for a pen
  and paper and writes a farewell letter home. The second asks for his
  pipe and has a last smoke. The third asks for a fork. The chief savage
  looks puzzled but complies, whereupon the missionary begins to
  repeatedly stab himself, shouting, "You're not making a bloody canoe
  out of me!"
 
 --------------------------------------------------------------------
 
  Bill Clinton is driving up to the White House when he runs over Socks
  the cat and kills it stone dead. Next to the cat he finds a lamp. He
  rubs it and out comes a genie which grants him a single wish. "Revive
  the cat," says Bill. "Sorry," replies the genie, "That's too
  difficult." "OK," says Bill, "Make my daughter, Chelsea beautiful."
  "Wait a minute," answers the genie, "Let me take another look at that
  cat."
 
 --------------------------------------------------------------------
 
  Q: Why doesn't Barbie get pregnant?
  A: Because Ken comes in a different box.
 
 --------------------------------------------------------------------
 
  A man telephones his office and says, "Sorry, I can't come into work
  today, I'm sick." "How sick are you?" asks his boss. "Well," he
  replies, "I'm in bed with my sister."
 
 --------------------------------------------------------------------
 
  Q. What's the difference between "Ooooh!" and "Aaahhhh!"?
  A. About four inches
 
 --------------------------------------------------------------------
 
  Q. What do you call a chicken in a white shell-suit?
  A. An egg
 
 --------------------------------------------------------------------
 
  Q: What's got four legs and an arm?
  A: A happy pit bull terrier.
 
 --------------------------------------------------------------------
 
  Two nuns are out driving when a vampire drops onto the bonnet of their
  car. "Quick sister," screams one nun, "Show him your cross!" So the
  other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "Oi! You! Fuck off!"
 
 --------------------------------------------------------------------
 
  Q. What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
  A. Spit, swallow and gargle
 
 --------------------------------------------------------------------
 
  Q. Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
  A. Because they taste funny.
 
 --------------------------------------------------------------------
 
  Q: What's the definition of Australian aristocracy?
  A: A man who can trace his lineage back to his father.
 
 --------------------------------------------------------------------
 
  A woman tells her friend she's received a bunch of flowers from her
  husband. "I suppose I'll have to spend the entire weekend on my back
  with my legs in the air," she says, to which her friend replies, "Why,
  don't you have a vase?"
 
 --------------------------------------------------------------------
 
  Q. What's the difference between an Australian and a yoghurt?
  A. A yoghurt has a living culture.
 
 --------------------------------------------------------------------
 
  An eighty year old couple decide to try for a child. They visit the
  doctor who asks the old geezer to produce a sperm sample in a bottle.
  After two weeks, the couple return and the bottle is empty. "What's
  the problem?" asks the doctor. "Well," says the old man, "First I
  tried it with my right hand, then my left. Then my wife tried it with
  her right hand, then her left. The she tried it with her teeth in and
  with her teeth out, and we still can't get the lid off the bloody
  bottle."
 
 --------------------------------------------------------------------
 
  Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
  A: He sold his soul to Santa.
 
 --------------------------------------------------------------------
 
  Q: What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
  A: About eight pints.
 
 --------------------------------------------------------------------
 
  Q. What has a bunch of balls and screws old ladies?
  A. A bingo machine
 
 --------------------------------------------------------------------
 
  A boat is sinking fast when the Captain runs on deck and shouts to the
  passengers, "Hey, listen, do any of you know any prayers?" A big Texan
  steps up and says, "Yessir, I do." "Oh, good," replies the Captain,
  "You'd better get started because we're a life jacket short."
 
 --------------------------------------------------------------------
 
  Q. What does an Essex girl use for protection when she has sex?
  A. A bus shelter
 
 --------------------------------------------------------------------
 
  Q. Why does Dr Pepper come in a bottle?
  A. Because his wife died.
 
 --------------------------------------------------------------------
 
  A young man is staggering about drunk with a key in his hand. "What's
  going on `ere then?" Says a passing policeman. "They stole me bloody
  car!" shouts the drunk. "Where did you last see it?" asks the copper.
  "On the end of this key!" wails the drunk. The policeman looks him
  over and says,"Are you aware, sir, that your penis is hanging out of
  your trousers?". "Holy shit!" screams the drunk, "They got me
  girlfriend too!"
 
 --------------------------------------------------------------------
 
  Three cowboys are sitting round a fire. The first starts to tell yarns
  about how he's the toughest cowboy ever. The second disagrees, and
  starts to tell stories about how he's the toughest cowboy ever. The
  third just sits silently by the fire, patiently stirring the coals
  with his penis.
 
 --------------------------------------------------------------------
 
  Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A. Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the light bulb.
 
 --------------------------------------------------------------------
 
  Q: How many sexists does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: None, let the bitch cook in the dark.
 
 --------------------------------------------------------------------
 
  Q: What do Kodak and condoms have in common?
  A:They both capture the moment.
 
 --------------------------------------------------------------------
 
  Q. What's the difference between pre-menstrual tension and B.S.E?
  A. One's mad cow disease, the other's an agricultural problem.
 
 --------------------------------------------------------------------
 
  A man walks into a bar and sees a dog licking its balls. He turns to
  the bartender and says, "I wish I could do that." The bartender
  replies, "Give him a biscuit and he might let you."
 
 --------------------------------------------------------------------
 
  Q. What's the difference between 365 used tyres and 365 used condoms?
  A. One was a Goodyear, one was a great year.
 
 --------------------------------------------------------------------
 
  A man is watching a lion taming act at the circus. The lion tamer's
  finale involves holding his genitalia between the lion's gaping jaws
  for a full two minutes. This is greeted with rapturous applause.
  Afterwards the lion tamer promises 1000 pounds to anyone who will try
  the trick. The man leaps up and shouts, "I'll try, but I'm not sure I
  can hold my mouth that wide for so long."
 
 --------------------------------------------------------------------
 
  Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp who bought a warehouse?
 
 --------------------------------------------------------------------
 
  Q: What's the difference between a circus and a whorehouse?
  A: A circus is a cunning array of stunts.
 
 --------------------------------------------------------------------
 
  The President wakes up one morning, looks out of the White House
  window and sees "The President Sucks" written in the snow in urine.
  Furious, he calls in the FBI and demands the perpetrators be found.
  Later that day the FBI agents return. "Well sir," says the first
  agent, "the urine has been analysed and it's the Vice President's".
  The President goes purple with rage and shouts, "Is that all?" "Well
  no sir," says the agent, "It's the First Lady's handwriting."
 
 --------------------------------------------------------------------
 
  Q: Why did God create women?
  A: Because sheep can't cook.
 
 --------------------------------------------------------------------
 
  A mother, father and young son are visiting the circus. The elephants
  walk out into the circus ring and the little boy says to his mother,
  "What's that?" "That's the elephant's tail," she replies. "No, under
  the tail," says the youngster. The mother is clearly embarrassed and
  says, "Oh, nothing." The boy turns to his father and repeats the same
  question. His father looks and says, "That's the elephant's penis,
  son." "So, why did mum say it was nothing?" asks the boy. The father
  draws himself up to his full height and says, "Son, I've spoiled that
  woman."
 
 --------------------------------------------------------------------
 
  Q.What's the difference between meat and fish?
  A. If you beat your fish it dies.
 
 --------------------------------------------------------------------
 
  Q. Why does an elephant have four feet?
  A. Because eight inches isn't enough.
 
 --------------------------------------------------------------------
 
  A group of genetic scientists post an ad in the local paper. It reads,
  "Individual wanted to mate with ape, 5000." The next day a man
  telephones and agrees to the experiment on three simple conditions.
  The scientists are all ears. "First," says the man, "my wife must
  never know. Second, the children must have a religious upbringing. And
  third, if I can pay in installments, I'm definitely interested."
 
 --------------------------------------------------------------------
 
  Q: How do you get virgin wool?
  A: From ugly sheep.
 
 --------------------------------------------------------------------
 
  Q. What's the difference between a mugger and a peeping Tom?
  A. A mugger snatches watches.
 
 --------------------------------------------------------------------
 
  Two strangers, a man and a woman, are sitting next to each other on a
  trans-Atlantic flight. Suddenly, the plane plummets out of control. In
  panic, the woman turns to the man, tears off her blouse and cries,
  "Make me feel like a woman one more time!" Rising to the occasion, the
  man tears off his shirt and says, "Here, iron this."
 
Horror Film Wisdom
 1) When it seems that you've killed the monster, never check to see if
 it's really dead.
 2) If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was
 once a church used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went
 mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion or who
 performed necrophilia or satanic practices, move away immediately.
 3) Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
 4) Do not search the basement, especially when the power has just gone
 out.
 5) If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which
 they do not know, or if they speak using a voice other than their own,
 shoot them at once. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run.
 Note: it's unlikely they'll die easy, so be prepared.
 6) When you have the benefit of numbers, never pair off or go it 
 alone.
 7) If the gang plans a fun midnight party in the town's old abandoned
 mansion, don't tag along. Especially don't tag along if everyone's
 going as couples, except you're the odd guy/gal out. And if you're the
 gang's jokester, you may as well write up your last will and testament
 while you're driving with them to the place.
 
 8) As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
 
 9) Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave,
 tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other domicile of the dead.
 
 10) If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out
 that it's just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your
 life.
 
 11) If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.
 
 12) Do not take (or borrow) anything from the dead.
 
 13) Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you
 know what you are doing.
 
 14) If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at
 least twice, more if you are female. Also note that, although you are
 running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving
 fast enough to catch up with you.
 
 15) If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic
 behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes,
 increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as
 possible.
 
 16) Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are
 listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (God help you
 if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in
 Maine or Massachusetts.
 
 17) If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby
 deserted-looking house to phone for help.
 
 18) Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chain saws, staple guns,
 hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane
 torches, soldering irons, band saws, weed-whackers or any device made
 from deceased companions.
 
 19) Listen closely to the soundtrack; and pay attention to the
 audience, since they are usually far more intelligent than you could
 ever hope to be.
 
 
 20) Never, never, NEVER try to communicate with something icky because
 "there's so much we can learn from them".
 
 21) Don't make fun of or play with dead things.
 
 22) If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a
 reason. Take the hint and stay away.
 
 23) If a meteor strikes nearby, move out of town.
 
 24) When something bad is chasing you, bear in mind that when you try
 to start your car, no matter how reliable the vehicle is normally,
 you'll have to crank the engine over many times before it will fire up.
 
 25) If you walk into the local abandoned-looking church to seek help or
 shelter, and you notice that the crucifix is mounted upside down, turn
 around and go back outside as quietly as possible.
 
 26) When you happen to be one of the fortunate ones and actually make
 it through the film alive, never, NEVER sign on to do a sequel. If you
 do, expect to depart this world in the first five minutes.
 
 27) Never have sex in the bunkbeds of recently renovated summer camps.
 
 28) Strange lights are seldom harbingers of joy.
 
 29) People arriving to rescue you generally get ambushed by the
 monster, so don't rely on them as your only means of escape. In fact,
 expect to be surprised and delayed by encountering their flayed corpse
 at some point.
 
 30) On no account do ANYTHING because someone dares you to.
 
 31) If you realize that the people in your town/county are having their
 minds taken over by some stranNOT call the police as they are A) either
 already takthemselves and will
 turn you in or B) will not believe you and laugh at you.  Either way,
 you must handle the problem yourself.
 
 32) If a small band of children appear to be smarter then the adults
 that are around them, be cautious. If they stay together in a small,
 secretive group, and display nothing but hostility towards their
 elders, authority, and the church, leave town at once. If you wish to
 stay, be as kind to the children as possible, but expect to die anyways
 because you are inferior to them.
 
 33) If you assist the villian of the film, do not expect gratitude in
 exchange for your services. In fact, do not expect anything other then
 death, which will come in the final minutes of the film and usually
 over the girl you have become attracted to, but the villian wants as
 their own.
 
 34) If any animals, such as Birds, Pirahna, Spiders, etc. begin to
 exhibit behavior that seems a bit more hostile towards mankind than
 normal, immediately call in the authorities, get out of that town, and
 do not try to talk to any scientist who specializes in that animal
 (ornithologists and the like) for they will not believe you.
 
 35) Whatever you do, DO NOT keep pets such as cats, dogs, hamsters, or
 anything cuddly. If you must, do not let them out of your sight for so
 much as a second.
 
 36) When you land on a distant planet and find some objects that look
 like eggs, leave them alone.
 
 37) When one of your spaceship's crew finds a hideous parasite attached
 to his body (as a result of disobeying the previous rule), don't let
 him back on the ship. The guy's dogmeat anyway.
 
 38) When a hideous alien menace is hunting you (as a result of
 disobeying the previous two rules) never wander off alone to hunt for
 the ship's cat.
 
 39) Never, EVER go in/out there (There being the attic, closet, barn,
 basement, dark alley, dark anywhere else, the all-concealing shadows,
 the woods or the lake)
 
 40) If someone who seems important tells you to do or NOT do something
 (like DON'T fall asleep, DON'T leave me, DON'T look for the
 homicidal-chainsaw-wielding-psychopath by yourself) by all means,
 listen to them, unless doing so would break another of the guidelines.
 
 41) If you manage to lose a few body parts along the way, don't
 despair. Take this opportunity to replace them with weapons, such as
 chainsaws, harpoons, etc.
 
 42) If you are using a gun to combat the all-comsuming evil, it is a
 good idea to quickly find a new means of defense, because no matter how
 much ammo you have, you'll run out just before you kill the monster
 (unless your name is Ash, in which case, you'll never have to reload)
 
 43) If you are wounded by flesh-eating zombies, aboandon all hope,
 because sooner or later, no matter how many anti-biotics you take, yer
 gonna become one of 'em.
 
 44) If you're the the last main character left, and a bunch of people
 are hunting the monster/monsters DON'T stand out in the open, because
 you will immediately be mistaken for a/the monster.
 
 50) Don't open the closed door, especially if you hear scratching,
 heavy breathing, or any other strange noises from the other side.
 
 51) DO NOT go into the dark room.
 
 52) If you're a male, get out of there as fast as possible! The only
 one who ever survives is a female.
 
 53) While in a horror film, never bathe, especially when in the house
 alone.
 
 54) In terms of weaponry and general equipment for fighting the
 monster, never rely on any tool more complicated than a pointed stick.
 Generators will inexplicably run out of power, just as the nasty
 space-vegetable climbs onto your jury rigged electrical grid.
 Just when you've got the ghoul lined up in your sights, your gun
 will invariably jam.
 
 55) If you are a female, never show your breasts, easy women are
 expendable.
 
 56) Never camp or build homes on Indian burial grounds.
 
 57) Ask why the estate is being sold so cheap.
 
 58) If the phone lines are dead, and you hear footsteps upstairs,
 when you're supposed to be alone, don't follow the noises to see who
 your "guest" is. LEAVE IMMEDIATELY. Unless you want to die!!
 
 59) Never pick up the phone and call for help, chances are your phone
 will be dead and the next thing you'll see is the monster swinging
 some sort of sharp object.
 
 60)If you have defeated the monster, pay close attention to the camera,
 if it pans away for no apparent reason at all, get the heck out of there.
 
 61) If the Master does not approve, neither do you.
 
 62) Never handle the rat-monkey cage.
 
 63) Your dog can take care of itself...
 
 64) So can your spouse...
 
 65) And your kids.
 
 66) Self-sacrifice is a bad idea, as the person you saved will usually
 die anyway.
 
 67) Skeptics are always proved wrong in some horrible, nasty, painful
 way. Be a believer.
 
 68) If you're not a main character, suicide is a quicker and easier way
 out.
 
 69) Your plan takes into account all possible situations...except for
 the one that actually occurs.
 
 70) Don't be a smart-ass. It'll only get you killed.
 
 71) When you have actually gotten a monster down on the ground with
 your gun, immediately empty all your shots in the mosnters' head.
 
 72) Never be present immediately before, during, or anytime after a
 successful demon/devil/monster summoning.
 
 73) People driven by veangance always die.
 
 74) Mentioning any goals in life, anything to look forward to, or any
 loved ones will get you killed.
 
 75) Never, under any circumstances, go to summer camp.
 
 76) Puzzle boxes are hard to solve for a reason.
 
 77) Feel no guilt.
 
 78) If you throw away some possession of yours (antique dolls and
 ventriloquist's dummies in particular), and you find it again in your
 house/car/pockets/etc. move to another country IMMEDIATELY! Of course,
 it WILL be waiting for you in the car as you go to leave.
 
 79) If you try to run away, always take the bus. If you take a car the
 monster will be in it. Cabbies are always demonically possessed.
 Monsters will destroy any plane/boat you try to take. And you have to
 go through dark, underground stations to get on a subway.
 
 80) If you are a child, don't panic! Monsters only attack overly horny
 teenagers. Children can NOT be killed in a movie, only possessed or
 absorbed.  So cheer up!
 
 81) If you see a loved one you know to be dead, RUN AWAY! Many people
 will ignore this bit of common sense, but remember: you can always
 buy a new pet, always have more kids, and always get a new spouse/S.O.
 
 82) If you're being chased by a monster and you think it's behind you,
 chances are it will appear in front of you (and if you're a girl, this
 will happen right after you trip and fall, and then stand up and look
 behind you).
 
 83) If you've beaten the monster into a bloody pulp and you're sure he
 must be dead, take the opportunity to dismember, burn, eat, blow up or
 otherwise destroy him.
 
 84) If you're being chased by a monster and you find one of your
 friends and they ask "what's wrong?", don't stop and try to explain.
 Just tell them to run as you go by. If they're really your friend
 they'll follow. If not -that's their tough luck.
 
 85) If you should easily enter a home that you've either heard a scream
 from or there is no sign of life when there should be, do not be
 surprised to find that all means of escape (i.e. doors, windows, etc.)
 will be locked, effectively allowing the monster to come within a
 gnat's hair to you.
 
 86) If you should run across one of the escape routes from the previous
 rule that is made of glass, DO NOT waste time pounding on it. Breaking
 it would prove to be a better course of action. (Remember, a cut-up
 hand is better than a chest wound.)
 
 87) If you are a good dog you have a 50-50 chance of survival. Good
 dogs will only die if they stand up to the monster in defense of their
 master. Bite the hand that feeds you and run away!
 
 88) If you are a bad dog (bad dog!), you WILL be dead by the movie's
 end. Therefore, kill all people you encounter, except for your
 ex-master, whom you feel strangely compelled to avoid.
 
 89) If you're a cat, just hide your head and pray that the monsters
 won't eat you, the Catholic Inquisitors won't burn you as a witch's
 familiar, and/or the horny teen-age guys don't throw you over the edge
 of a cliff to see if you land on your feet.
 
 90) If you're a bird, CONGRATULATIONS! Your people will triumph and
 rule all in the end (or you might at least escape your $%^& cage!).
 
 91) If you are even somewhat religious, BECOME AN ATHEIST IMMEDIATELY!
 Monsters will invariably seek you out, gloating in defiance of "your
 weak faith," and say mean things about your deity.
 
 92) Whenever a strange weapon is presented (e.g. a harpoon gun, flare
 gun, can opener, etc.) TAKE IT! If you don't, the monster will, and
 sooner or later the weapon WILL BE USED! Better you use it then the
 monster.
 
 93) If you find a lot of dead people running around making zombies out
 of the living, kill yourself IMMEDIATELY! There is no happiness to
 be found when you're being eaten alive.
 
 94) A single monster can never be killed. Multiple monsters can never
 be driven to extinction. Therefore, try to get one kind to go after the
 other.
 
 95) When you fight a monster use fire, electricity or acid whenever
 possible. Prefferably use all of the above. And an atom bomb.
 
 96) ALL atomic weapons cause normal creatures to grow huge and
 carnivorous. As do all chemical and germ weapons.
 
 97) ALL genetic experiments will create humanoid mutants (whether or
 not human/primate DNA is used) with BIG teeth and claws, and a tough
 hide impervious to bullets. NEVER play god and try your hand at
 gene-splicing!
 
 98) Always make eye shots whenever possible as all monsters ignore
 chest/limb attacks. If you hit the eye the monster will be blinded
 for a while (maybe ... and if you're reaaalll lucky... and if the
 creature even has any eyes to shoot in the first place).
 
  If I ever become an Evil Overlord:
 
 1. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors,
 not face-concealing ones.
 
 2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
 
 3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept
 anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
 
 4. Shooting is _not_ too good for my enemies.
 
 5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the
 Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of
 Eternity.  It will be in my safe-deposit box.
 
 6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
 
 7. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks, "Or
 are you afraid without your armies to back you up?" My reply will be,
 "No, just sensible."
 
 8. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill
 me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?"  I'll shoot him, and
 then say "No".
 
 9. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately
 in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks time during
 which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
 
 10. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely
 necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled
 "Danger: Do Not Push".
 
 11. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is
 destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.
 
 12. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small
 hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
 
 13. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to
 prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker
 enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
 
 14. I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident:
 I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it.
 
 15. I will make it clear that I _do_ know the meaning of the word
 "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any.
 
 16. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws
 in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
 
 17. All slain enemies will be cremated, not left for dead at the bottom
 of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying
 celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
 
 18. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as
 members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or
 adhere to any other dress codes.
 
 19. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any
 other form of last request.
 
 20. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find
 that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when
 the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

 21. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad
 scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted
 to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused.
 
 22. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just
 one thing I want to know."
 
 23. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their
 advice.
 
 
 
 
25 WAYS TO CONFUSE YOUR PROFESSORS

1.      Brush your teeth during class.  While doing so, raise your
hand as if you have a question, and mumble your question incoherently while
brushing, spewing toothpaste all over the place.  If the professor objects to
your actions, go on a tirade about proper oral hygiene and its importance.

2.      Sit way at the back of the room, up against the wall, to get
as far away from your professor as possible.  While he/she is lecturing
shout out things like, "What!?" and "Speak up! You're mumbling!" If your
professor advises you to sit closer to the front, tell him/her you can't as
your are scouting the room for "assassins."

3.      If you have an early morning class, get there before anyone
else, and bring a pillow, some blankets, an air mattress, and an alarm
clock.  Wear your pyjamas.  Lie down on the air mattress with the pillow and
blankets and act like you are asleep.  Have the alarm set for about two minutes
into the class.  When it goes off, preferably very loudly, hit the snooze
button and go back to sleep.  Keep doing so for the duration of the class.

4.      Dispute anything that your professor says, get him/her to
prove everything, no matter how simple.  Then rant and rave about what a
big liar your professor is.  Yell at the other students in the class saying
"Stop writing down these lies!"

5.      Show up to the class about ten minutes late.  Ride into the
room on a bike, yell, "Look out!", and crash into the blackboard.  Get up,
take a seat, and act as if nothing has happened.  Do this every day.

6.      Keep "accidentally" setting fires at your desk.  Burn
notebooks, papers, or whatever you (or someone else) has handy.  Whenever you
start a fire, no matter how small it is, start yelling, "Fire! Fire!" and run
out of the room in panic.  Don't return for the rest of the class.

7.      Hide somewhere in the classroom.  Wait for the professor to
take the attendance.  Don't come out when he/she calls your name.  Halfway
through the class, jump out and yell, "Just kidding! I'm here Fooled
you again!" Sit down and be quiet for the rest of the class.

8.      Wrap yourself in bandages and come to class in a wheelchair.
Throughout the class, cry a lot and moan things like, "Why me/" and
"Please kill me!" Get up during class, as if your miraculously going to start
to walk. Instead, cry out in pain, fall down, and wait for someone to help you
back up. At the end of the class, leap up, exclaim "I'm better now!" and run
out of the class and down the corridor.

9.      Come to class with a jar full of angry wasps.  Five minutes
into class, release them, scream "AAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHH!" and run away.
Return five minutes later in full bee keepers outfit, and caution
everyone that you are an expert and not to panic, proceed to attack the wasps with
a fly swatter.
 
10.     Bring a hoover to class, Half way through the class, stand up
and start using it.  If your professor objects, explain that you "can't
stand sitting in this pigsty any longer!"  Keep vacuuming, grumbling angrily.

11.     Bring a small cactus to class with you.  Raise your hand, and
when you're called on, say that the cactus has a question.  Turn and
look at the cactus , as if you are waiting for it to say something.  After a
few moments, shrug, and wait for your professor to move on.  Do this once a day,
and become increasingly annoyed with the cactus everytime sighing heavily
and giving it evil looks when it fails to "speak."  When you leave the
room after the class, start yelling at the cactus, "I can't believe you embarrassed
me AGAIN...."

12.     Every time your professor stutters, do a shot.  If he/she
objects, explain that drinking games make the class more interesting.

13.     When your professor gives you a syllabus, take it home,
correct it, give it a grade, and return it to your professor, demand extra
credit.

14.     Come to the class every day wearing scary Halloween masks.
Try to get your professor to guess who you are.  Shoot him/her with a
water pistol, scream, and run around the room knocking things over.  Say
"Pretty scary, huh!?"

15.     Get the whole class to turn up early, and throw a surprise
partyfor your professor.  Insist that the class cannot be started until
the professor has a piece of cake.  Keep asking people when the strippers are going
to arrive.

16.     Instead of taking notes, do an abstract painting during every
class. Call the paintings things like, "Professor Acting like a Mister
Know-it-All" or "Idot who doesn't know what  he is talking about."  Give the
paintings to your professors as gifts, demand extra credit!

17.     Wait for your professor to mention a date, and then yell out
"Bingo!" Apologise, and explain that you got confused???
 
18.     Carve a bust of your professor out of cheese.  Tie a ribbon
around it, and present it to him/her at the beginning of class. 
Demand extra credit.

19.     Write your professor a note that says, "I'm going to be about
15 minutes late.  Go ahead and start without me."  Wait outside the
building until the next time when class is supposed to begin.  Tie the note to a
brick and throw it through the window.

20.     Write down everything that your professor says, word for
word. Think up a melody, and turn the words into a song.  Bring a guitar to
class and perform the song for the class.  Explain to your professor that
he/she is "very inspiring."

21.     Get a monkey, bring it to class with you.  Tell your
professor that you have hired the monkey to take notes for you.  Sit back and relax
during class, letting the monkey scribble on a piece of paper.  When it is
time to write a paper or take a test write down things like "I want a Banana" and
"I miss my tire swing."  Assuming you get a bad grade, angrily fire the monkey
in front of your professor.

22.     When you have to write a paper, get it done early and post it
to your professors house.  From then on, don't hand in anything, and
blame it on the sluggishness of the Royal mail.

23.     Tell your professor that you'd like to interview him/her for
a writing class.  Get him/her to tell you his/her life story.  Act
interested, and write down everything he/she says.  Fabricate a few romantic
interludes and turn your efforts into a trashy romance novel.  Make copies and
distribute it to the rest of the class.  Demand extra credit.

24.     Draw hearts and flowers on the backs of your papers and
tests. Next to them, write things like, "You're the best, even though you
suck" and "You're the worst professor in the world, but I still love you."

25.     Start asking questions in a fake foreign language.  Act like
your professor is stupid for not being able to understand you.  Get other
people in the class to start speaking the fake language too, and have frequent
discussions during class.  Act as if you're really interested in what
you are discussing during class.  If your professor tries to interrupt or
stop you, act annoyed and gesture for him/her to quieten down.

 
Deja vu for some people.
 
 
 
 
 Listen.  Understand.  That Terminator is out there.  It can't be reasoned
 with, it can't be bargained with...it doesn't feel pity of remorse or 
 fear... and it absolutely will not stop.
                       Ever.  Until you are dead.
  



THE TWO DEAF PEOPLE 

        Once upon a time there were two deaf mutes standing on
        a street corner talking to each other with sign language. 

        Mute #1 (SIGN)"What would you like to do?" 

        Mute #2 (SIGN)"I don't know, what about you?" 

        Mute #1 (SIGN)"Let's get my car, find some girls, drive
        to a dark space and have some fun." 

        Mute #2 (SIGN)"Good idea." 

        So they get his car, find some girls, drive to a dark spot
        and are having a ball when the guy in the back seat taps
        the guy in the front seat on the shoulder..... 

        Front Seat Mute (SIGN)"What?" 

        Back Seat Mute (SIGN)"Have you got any protection?" 

        Front Seat Mute (SIGN)"No. Don't you?" 

        Back Seat Mute (SIGN)"No. We had better go to a drug
        store and get some." 

        They proceed to drive to a drug store and the man in the
        back seat gets out and goes inside. In 2 minutes he is
        back outside and taps on the car window. 

        Inside Mute (SIGN)"What?" 

        Outside Mute (SIGN)"I've got a problem." 

        Inside Mute (SIGN)"What?" 

        Outside Mute (SIGN)"I can't make the druggist
        understand what I want." 

        Inside Mute (SIGN)"I know What to do." 

        Outside Mute (SIGN)"What?" 

        Inside Mute (SIGN)"Go back inside. Put five dollars on
        the counter. Put your pecker on the counter. He'll know
        what you want." 

        Outside Mute (SIGN)"Good idea." 

        The man goes back into the drug store and 2 minutes
        later he's back at the car window. 

        Inside Mute (SIGN)"Well?" 

        Outside Mute (SIGN)"It didn't work." 

        Inside Mute (SIGN)"What do you mean?" 

        Outside Mute (SIGN) "I did what you told me to do. I
        went inside. I put 5 dollars on the counter. I put my
        pecker on the counter.
        He put his on the counter. It was bigger than mine. He
        took my 5 dollars." 


"THE PERFECT DAY"

HER

8:45    wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00    5 pounds lighter on the scales
9:30    light breakfast
11:00  sunbathe
12:00  unch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:30    shopping
2:30    run into boyfriend's ex:  notice she's gained 30 pounds
3:00    facial, massage and nap
7:30    candlelit dinner for two and dancing
10:00  make love
11:00  pillow talk in his big strong arms


HIM

10:00   wake up
10:02   oral sex
10:10   big breakfast
11:30   drive up coast in ferrari with gorgeous blonde with big hooters
1:00     make something with hands and wood; grunt
2:15     enormous lunch at Nick's Go-Go and Titty Bar
3:00     oral sex
3:10     play sports with the guys
4:00     drink beer with the guys
5:45     leaf through recent copy of Hustler, Guns & Ammo and True
Detective
6:00     meet Claudia Schiffer
6:10     oral sex
6:20     huge dinner, more beer
8:00     football with the guys, more beer
9:30     oral sex (at halftime)
11:00   full on, get down gorilla sex
11:05   fart loudly
11:10   sleep


THE SKY WAS DARK, THE MOON WAS HIGH,
ALL ALONE, JUST HER AND I.
HER HAIR WAS SO SOFT; HER EYES SO BLUE,
I KNEW JUST WHAT SHE WANTED TO DO.
HER SKIN SO SOFT; HER LEGS SO FINE;
I RAN MY FINGERS DOWN HER SPINE.
I DIDN'T KNOW HOW, BUT I TRIED MY BEST;
I STARTED BY PLACING MY HANDS ON HER BREAST.
I REMEMBER MY FEAR, MY FAST BEATING HEART;
BUT SLOWLY SHE SPREAD HER LEGS APART.
AND WHEN I DID IT I FELT SO SHAME;
ALL AT ONCE THE WHITE STUFF CAME.
AT LAST IT'S ALL FINISHED; IT'S ALL OVER NOW.
MY FIRST TIME EVER AT MILKING A COW.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
            Here are some of Rodney Dangerfield's best one liners...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  

A girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over, there's
nobody home. I went over.  Nobody was home.

If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all.

And we were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a boy.... I'd have
nothing to play with.

During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me.  Just the
other night she called me from a hotel.

Its been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt
and a button fell off.  I picked up my briefcase and the handle came
off.  I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy.  I told him .... If you
don't mind I'd like a second opinion.  He said .... Alright.... you're
ugly too!

My mother never breast fed me.She told me that she only liked me
as a friend.
 ______________________________________________________________________
                      The Test
  
 ---------------------------------------------------------------------- 
 

       Six minutes to six, said the clock over the information booth in New 
York's Grand Central Station.  The tall young Army officer lifted his 
sunburned face and narrowed his eyes to note the exact time.  His heart was 
pounding with a beat that choked him.  In six minutes he would see the woman 
who had filled such a special place in his life for the past 18 months, the 
woman he had never seen yet whose words had sustained
him unfailingly. Lt. Blandford remembered one day in particular, the worst 
of the fighting, when his plane had been caught in the midst of a pack of 
enemy planes. In one of those letters, he had confessed to her that often he 
felt fear, and only a few days before this battle, he had received her 
answer: "Of course you fear...all brave men do.  Next time you doubt 
 yourself, I want you to hear my voice reciting to you: 'Yea, though I walk 
through the valley of Death, I shall fear no evil, for thou art with me.'" 
 He had remembered that and it renewed his strength. He was going to hear 
her voice now. Four minutes to six. A girl passed closer to him, and Lt. 
Blandford started. She was wearing a flower, but it was not the little red 
rose they had agreed upon.  Besides, this girl was only about eighteen, and 
Hollis Maynel had told him she was 30. "What of it?" he had answered, "I'm 
32." He was 29. His mind went back to that book he had read in the training 
camp.  "Of Human Bondage" it was; and throughout the book were notes in a 
woman's handwriting.  He had never believed that a woman could see into a 
man's heart so tenderly, so understandingly.  Her name was on the
bookplate: Hollis Maynell. He got a hold of a New York City telephone book 
 and found her address.  He had written, she had answered.  Next day he had 
been shipped out, but they had gone on writing. For thirteen months she had 
faithfully replied.  When his letters did not arrive, she wrote anyway, and 
now he believed he loved her, and she loved him. But she had refused all his 
pleas to send him her photograph. She had explained:  "If your feeling for 
me had no reality, what I look like won't matter.  Suppose I am beautiful. 
 I'd always be haunted that you had been taking a chance on just that, and 
that kind of love would disgust me.  Suppose that I'm plain, (and you must 
admit that this is more likely), then I'd always fear that you were only 
going on writing because you were lonely and had no one else.  No, don't ask 
for my picture.  When you come to New York, you shall see me and then you 
shall make your own decision." One minute to six...he flipped the pages of 
the book he held.  Then Lt. Blandford's heart lept. A young woman was coming toward him. 
 Her figure was long and slim; her blond hair lay back in curls from 
delicate ears.  Her eyes were blue as flowers, her lips and chin had a gentle 
firmness.  In her pale-green suit, she was like springtime come alive. He started 
toward her, forgetting to notice that she was wearing no rose, and as he moved, 
a small, provacative smile curved her
lips. "Going my way, soldier?" she murmured. He made one step closer to her. 
 Then he saw Hollis Maynell. She was standing almost directly behind the 
girl, a woman well past 40, her graying hair tucked under a worn hat.  She was more 
than plump. 
 Her thick-ankled feet were thrust into low-heeled shoes.  But she wore a 
red rose on her rumpled coat.  The girl in the green suit was walking 
quickly away.  Blandford felt as though he were being split in two, so keen 
was his desire to follow the girl, yet so deep was his longing for the woman 
whose spirit had truly companioned and upheld his own, and there she stood. 
 He could see her pale face was gentle and sensible; her gray eyes had a 
warm twinkle.  Lt. Blandford did not hesitate.  His fingers gripped the worn 
copy of "Of Human Bondage" which was to identify him to her.  This would
not be love, but it would be something special, a friendship for which he 
had been and must be ever grateful... He squared his shoulders, saluted, and 
held the book out toward the woman, although even while he spoke he felt the 
bitterness of his disappointment. "I'm Lt. Blandford, and you're Miss Maynell. 
I'm so glad you could meet me.  May--may I take you to dinner?" The woman's face 
broadened in a tolerant smile.  "I don't know what this is all about, son." she 
answered.  "That young lady in the green suit, she begged me to wear this 
rose on my coat. And she saidthat if you asked me to go out with you, I should 
tell you she's waiting for you in that restaurant across the street.  She said 
it was some kind of test."

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
 
        A woman could never get her husband to do anything around the
house.  He would come home from work, sit in front of the tv, eat
dinner,and eat some more -- would never do those little household repairs 
that most husbands take  care of. This frustrated the woman quite a bit.  One
day the toilet stopped up. When her husband got home, she said sweetly,
"Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you look at it?" Her husband
snarled, "What do I look like? The tidy-bowl man?" and sat down on the 
sofa.The next day, the garbage disposal wouldn't work. When her husband got home, she
said, very nicely, "Honey, the disposal won't work. Would you try to fix
it for me?" Once again, he growled, "What do I look like? Mr. Plumber?"
The next day, the washing machine was on the blink. When her
husband got home, she steeled her courage and said, "Honey, the washer
isn't running.  Would you check on it?" And again was met with a snarl,
"What do I look like? The Maytag repairman?" Finally, she had had enough. 
The next morning, the woman called three repairmen to fix the toilet, the 
garbage disposal, and the washer. When her husband got home, she said, 
"Honey, I had the repairmen out today." He frowned, "Well, how much is that going 
to cost?" "Well, honey, they all said I could pay them by baking them a cake or having  
sex with them." "Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them?" he asked. She smiled. 
"What do I look like? Betty Crocker?"
        score:    women 1, men 0
 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
 
        This guy decides he's going to play a little joke on his wife one
day.  As she steps out of the shower, he grabs one of her breasts and says,
"If you firmed these up a bit, you wouldn't have to keep using your
bra." He laughs and laughs.  The next morning, he again catches her as she
finishes her shower and grabs her ass and says "If you firmed this up a
bit, you wouldn't have to keep using your girdle." Again he laughs and
laughs, while his wife plots her revenge. The next morning as he steps out 
of the shower, his wife grabbed his penis and says, "If you firmed THIS up a 
bit, I wouldn't need to keep sleeping with your brother."
        score:    women 2, men 0
 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
 
        A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is
having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK?  The
son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died.
The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, Auntie Susie dies.
        One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish
him goodnight.  His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his
son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died.
The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, granddaddy dies.
        One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish
him goodnight.  His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes
his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died.  The
father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.
        The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified.
The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure is going to
die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision.
He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids
everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed.  He jumps at every
noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.
        Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds
his wife.  "Good God, Dear," he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of
my entire life!" She responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman
dropped dead on the doorstep this morning."
        women: 3        men:0
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
        A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for a pack of condoms.  As
soon as he has paid for them, he starts laughing and walks out.  The
next day, the same performance, with the man walking out laughing, fit to
bust.
 The chemist thinks this odd and asks his assistant, if the man returns,
to follow him.
        Sure enough, he comes into the store the next day, repeating his
actions once more. The assistant duly follows. Half an hour later, he
returns.
        "So did you follow him?"
        "I did."
        "And...where did he go?"
        "Over to your house..."
        women:  4          men:  0
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
        An office manager had money problems & had to fire an employee,
either Jack or Jill...  He thought he'd fire the employee who came late
to work the next morning.  Well, both employees came to work very early.
Then the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee
break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break. Then the manager
decided to see who took the longest lunch break - strangely, neither
Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk.
        Then the manager thought he'd wait & see who would leave work
the earliest, and both employees stayed after closing. Jill finally went to
the coat rack & the manager went up to her & said, "Jill, I have a terrible
problem. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off."
        Jill said, "Well, you'd better jack off, because I'm late for my bus."
        game, set, match - women>

---------------------------------------------------------------------------  
                                       1,2,3,4

After a few years of married life , this guy finds that he is
unable to perform anymore.  He goes to his doctor, and his
doctor  tries a few things but nothing works.

Finally the doctor says to him "this is all in your mind", and
refers him to a psychiatrist.  After a few visits to the shrink,
the shrink confess, " I am at a loss as to how you could
possibly be cured."

Finally the psychiatrist refers him to witch doctor.

The witch doctor tells , "I can cure this", and throws some
powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue
smoke........
The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing but you can
only use it once a  year!  All you have to do is say '123' and it
shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when
it's over?"

The witch doctor says "all you have to say is '1234' and it
will go down.  But be warned it will not work again for a year!"

The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise
his wife with the good news.......  So, he is lying in bed with her and
says "123", and suddenly he gets an erection.

His wife turns over and says "What did you say '123' for?"

                                THE SHIT LIST

THE GHOST SHIT
The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit on the toilet paper, but
there's no shit in the bowl.

THE CLEAN SHIT
The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit in the bowl, but there's 
no shit on the toilet paper.

THE WET SHIT
You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up
putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you don't ruin
them with those dreadful skid marks.

THE SECOND WAVE SHIT
This shit happenes when you've finished, your pants are up to your 
knees,and you suddenly realize you have to shit some more.

THE BRAIN HEMORRAHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHIT
Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead Shit". You have to strain so 
much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.

THE CORN SHIT
No explanation necessary.

THE LINCOLN LOG SHIT The kind of shit that's so enormous you're afraid to
flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the
toilet brush.

THE NORTORIUS DRINKER SHIT
The kind of shit you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's
most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet
bowl after you flush.

THE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD SHIT" SHIT
The kind where you want to shit, but even after straining your guts out, 
all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.

THE WET CHEEKS SHIT
Also known as the "Power Dump".  That's the kind that comes out of your 
ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.

THE LIQUID SHIT
That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt,
splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time,
chronically burns your tender poop-chute.

THE MEXICAN FOOD SHIT
A class all its own.

THE CROWD PLEASER
This shit is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show
it to someone before flushing.

THE MOOD ENHANCER
This shit occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing
you to be your old self again.

THE RITUAL
This shit occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the 
aid of a newspaper.

THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS SHIT
A shit so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.

THE AFTERSHOCK SHIT
This shit has an odour so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity 
within the next 7 hours is affected.

THE "HONEYMOON'S OVER" SHIT
This is any shit created in the presence of another person

THE GROANER
A shit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.

THE FLOATER
Characterized by its floatability, this shit has been known to resurface
after many flushings.

THE RANGER 
A shit which refuses to let go.  It is usually necessary to
engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to
push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.

THE PHANTOM SHIT
This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting 
it there.

THE PEEK-A-BOO SHIT 
Now you see it, now you don't.  This shit is playing
games with you. Requires patience and muscle control.

THE BOMBSHELL
A shit that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either
inappropriate to shit (ie. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you are
nowhere near shitting facilities.

THE SNAKE CHARMER
A long skinny shit which has managed to coil itself into a frightening
position - usually harmless.

THE OLYMPIC SHIT
This shit occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive
event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinker's
Shit.

THE BACK-TO-NATURE SHIT
This shit may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the 
woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.

THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN SHIT
An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God
when you actually CAN'T shit.

PREMEDITATED SHIT
Laxative induced.  Doesn't count.

SHITZOPHERENIA
Fear of shitting - can be fatal!

ENERGIZER vs DURACELL SHIT
Also known as a "Still Going" shit.

THE POWER DUMP SHIT
The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when 
you're done.

THE LIQUID PLUMBER SHIT
(aka the Perlen shit) This kind of shit is so big it plugs up the toilet 
and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from
the Lincoln Log Shit.)

THE SPINAL TAP SHIT
The kind of shit that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be
coming out sideways.

THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY ASSHOLE" SHIT
Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Shits. The shape and size of
the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the
rectum for some time afterwards.

THE PORRIDGE SHIT
The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You 
have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (b) risk it piling up to your 
butt while you sit there helpless.

THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" SHIT
When the bag of Dorritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your
rectum on the way out in the morning.

THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" SHIT
When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and
make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.

THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" SHIT
Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn
anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently near the 
door and enjoy the show as they run out gaggin and gasping for air.

THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE" SHIT
Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop
off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the place.

THE "YOU'VE GOT SHIT ON YOUR SHOES, YOU SHIT SHOE BASTARD" SHIT
No explanation required.
 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
                        COWS WITH GUNS
 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Fat and docile, big and dumb,
They look so stupid, they aren't much fun,
Cows aren't fun.

They eat to grow, grow to die,
Die to be eaten, the hamburger fry,
Cows well done.

Nobody thunk it, nobody knew,
No one imagined the great cow guru,
Cow Se Tongue

He spoke about justice, but nobody stirred,
He felt like an outcast, alone in the herd,
Cow doldrums.

He mooed: "We must fight, escape or we'll die,"
Cows gathered around, 'cause the steaks were high,
Bad cow pun.

But then he was captured, stuffed into a crate,
Loaded onto a truck, where he rode to his fate.
Cows are bummed.

He was a scrawny calf, who looked rather woozy,
No one suspected he was packing an uzi
Cows with guns.

They came with a needle to stick in his thigh,
He kicked for the groin,
he pissed in their eye,
Cow well hung.

Knocked over a tractor and ran for the door,
Six gallons of gas flowed out on the floor,
Run cows run!

He picked up a bullhorn and jumped up on the hay,
"We are free roving bovines, we run free today!
We will fight for bovine freedom,
And hold our large heads high,
We will run free with the buffalo or die!"
Cows with guns.

They crashed the gate in a great stampede,
Tipped over a milk truck, torched all the feed,
Cows have fun.

Sixty police cars were piled in a heap,
Covered in cow pies, covered up deep,
Much cow dung.

Black smoke rising, darkening the day,
Twelve burning McDonald's
have it your way.

The President said; "Enough is enough
These uppity cattle, it's time to get tough."
Cows dung flung

The newpapers gloated, folks sighed with relief,
Tomorrow at noon, they would all be ground beef,
Cows on buns.

The cows were surrounded, they waited and prayed.
They mooed their last moos, they chewed their last hay,
Cows outgunned.

The order was given to turn cows to whoppers,
Enforced by the might of ten thousand coppers,
But on the horizon surrounding the shoppers,
Came the deafening roar of chickens in choppers.



Subject : Language	
To      : All students
Subject : Notification to all staff regarding language	

It has been brought to our attention that some individuals have been using
foul language during the execution of their studies. Due to complaints from
a couple of individuals who are easily offended, this type of language will
no longer be tolerated.

However, we do realise the importance of students being able to properly
express their feelings when communicating with other employees. With this
in mind, the Human Resources Department has compiled a list of code phrases
so the correct exchange of ideas and information can continue without
risking offence to our more sensitive co-workers :-

OLD PHRASE					NEW PHRASE
----------				      ----------	
No fucking way.				I'm faily sure that's not feasible.
You're fucking kidding.			Really !
Tell someone who gives a fuck. 	Have you run that by.....
No prick told me. 			I wasn't involved in that project.
I don't have the fucking time.      Perhaps I can work late.
Who fucking cares?			Are you sure that's a problem.
Eat shit and die.				You don't say.
Eat shit and die, motherfucker. 	You don't say, Sir.
Kiss my arse.				So, you'd like me to help you.
He's a fucking prick.			He's somewhat insensitive.
She's a ball busting bitch.		She's an agressive go-getter.
You haven't got a fucking clue.	You could use a little more
						training.
This place is fucked.			We're a little disorganised.
What sort of fuckwit are you.		You're new here aren't you.
Fuck off, shithead.			We'll there you go.	
You're a fucking wanker.	      You're my friend and I respect you.  
You're fucking useless.			So, you're from Bradford.
Fuck off.					I'll look into it and get back to you.
Fuck off, dickhead.			I no longer require your assistance.
How did you get this piece		Well done!
    of shit to work.	
You fucking loser.			Gee, that was fortunate.
Oh no! Another fuckwit.			So, you're from the North.

CARELESS LISTENER REGRETS

                        When God gave out brains,
                        I thought He said trains,
                        and I  missed mine.
                        When God gave out looks,        
                        I thought He said books,
                        and I didn't want any.
                        When God gave out noses,
                        I thought He said roses, 
                        and I asked for a red one.
                        When God gave out legs,
                        I thought He said kegs,
                        I ordered two fat one.
                        When God gave me ears,
                        I thought He said beers,
                        and I ordered two long ones.
                        When God gave out chins,
                        I thought He said gins,
                        I ordered double.
                        When God gave out heads,
                        I thought He said beds,
                        and I asked for a soft one!
                        GEE! I am a MESS!!!



The Tiny Piano
 
 This guy walks into a bar and sits down in front of the bartender. He
 orders a drink. While waiting for the drink, he reaches into one
 pocket and pulls out a 7 inch piano. He reaches into another pocket
 and pulls out a 10 inch man. The 10 inch man goes up to the piano and
 promptly starts playing. Beautiful music fills the bar.
 
 The bartender goes up to the guy and asks where he got the musician.
 The guy replied that there was a genie just down the block who would
 grant just one wish.
 
 The bartender went outside and down the block. There was a huge crowd
 around the genie. The bartender waited a really longtime. Finally, it
 was his turn. The genie greeted him, "Hello, I am a genie and I will
 grant you one wish."
 
 The bartender said, "I want a million bucks." All of a sudden, there
 were a million ducks! They were quacking and following the bartender.
 The bartender tried to scatter the ducks, but they all came right
 back.
 
 The bartender went back to the bar, went up the the guy with the
 miniture piano player, and said, "What a lousy genie. I asked for a
 million bucks and got a million ducks!"
 
 The guy at the bar looked at the bartender and said, "You don't really
 believe that I asked for a 10 inch *pianist*, do you?!"
 

----------------------------------------------------------------------
                          Another Doctor Joke
----------------------------------------------------------------------

    An elderly woman went into the doctor's office.  When the doctor asked
why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."

    Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me,
Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old.  What possible use could you have
for birth control pills?"

    The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."
 
    The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth
control pills help you to sleep?"
 
    The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I
sleep better at night."


 Alligator With A Toothache

 A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over
 the bar: FREE BEER FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So
 the guy asks the bartender what the test is.
 
 Bartender: "Well, FIRST you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper
 tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND, you can't make a face while
 doing it. SECOND, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you
 have to remove it with your bare hands. THIRD, there's a woman
 up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for
 her.
 
 Man: Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have
 to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and they get crazier
 from there.
 
 Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat
 teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs
 it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next he
 staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most
 frightning roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back
 into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.
 "Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

 
 Went Fishing, Got Caught
 
 A man phones home from his office and tells his wife: "Something has
 just come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week. It's the
 opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away. So pack my clothes, my
 fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home
 in an hour to pick them up."
 
 He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off.
 
 A week later he returns.
 
 His wife asks: "Did you have a good trip, dear?" He says: " Oh yes,
 great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas." His wife smiles
 and says, "Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box!"


For more great jokes visit Andrew's Humor Page!	
http://home.connectnet.com/andrius

		25 GOOD REASONS WHY BEER IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN

1.   You can enjoy a beer all month long.
2.   Beer stains wash out.
3.   You don't have to wine and dine beer.
4.   Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while
     you play football.
5.   When you beer goes flat, you toss it out.
6.   Beer is never late.
7.   A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
8.   Hangovers go away.
9.   Beer labels come off without a fight.
10.  When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
11.  Beer never has a headache
12.  You don't have to drive a beer home in the morning.
13.  A beer won't get upset if you come home with another beer.
14.  If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good head.
15.  A beer always goes down easy.
16.  You can have more than one beer in a night and not feel guilty.
17.  You can share a beer with your friends.
18.  You always know you're the first to pop a beer.
19.  Beer is always wet.
20.  Beer doesn't demand equality.
21.  You can have a beer in public.
22.  A beer doesn't care when you come.
23.  A frigid beer is a good beer.
24.  You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
25.  If you change beers you don't have to pay alimony.

> There is nothing wrong with your computer.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I have simply taken control of your terminal.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> In an effort to destroy your sanity.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> To cause you terrible discomfort.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> And to make everyone in the room stare at you.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Is it working?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Do not attempt to escape.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Resistance is futile.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> You are my prisoner until I see fit to release you.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> You are at the mercy of my will.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Are you screaming in terror?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Do you find yourself cringing and cowering in fear?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Behold foolish humans!
> 
> 
> 
> 
> The awesome fury of THE Rollins band!!!!
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Be afraid.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Be very afraid.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Be happy that I have let you live.

A blind man, a deaf man, and a man in a wheelchair were among the audience at
a revival meeting. The visiting faith healer went into the audience grabbed the
blind man and asked him how long it had been since he was able to see?
"Year's," replied the blind man. "I can't remember the last time I saw the
blue of the sky." The faith healer touched the man's eyes, shook him and cried,
"Healed!" "I can see!" shouted the man. After the crowd stopped whispering
their astonishment, the faith healer proceeded to the deaf man. "How long has
it been since you lost your hearing?" he signed fluently.
"More than 20 years" the man signed back. The faith healer boxed
the man's ears & shouted "Heal" The man grabbed his ears & cried
out with joy. "I can hear! Dear God, i can hear! "Again the crowd whisperd in
amazement as the faith healer moved toward the man in a 
wheelchair. As the faith healer meared him,the man cried out,
"Don't frealcis' touch me, Im on Workman's Comp!"

A Prominent businessman passed away and was met at the gates of heaven by
St.Peter. The businessman gave St.Peter a list of his accomplishments:
chairman, director, consultant, chief engineer, etc. St.Peter asked, "But what
did you give personally?" "Oh, my corporations took care of all that. They
always were donating money to various charities.." "Up here in Heaven we look
at one's personal contributions. What did YOU do?" "Well,let me see. Once
there was a little old lady selling pencils on a very cold day. I gave her a quarter
and told her to keep the five cents change." "Well, that's okay, anything
else?" "Well, once I saw a little boy begging in the streets on Christmas Eve
and I gave him a penny." "Okay, anything else?" "No, I think that's it."
"Well, excuse me, I must discuss this with the BIG MAN." St.Peter left and quickly
returned. "Well, what did he say?" "Sorry sir, I have BAD NEWS for you. I told
him all that you had done and the boss said,"Give him back his six cents and
tell him to GO TO HELL."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------
An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall.
He called in an artist. Describing what he wanted,  the billionaire 
said,   
"I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last 
thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town 
on business for a week, and when I return, I expect it to be completed."

Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the 
new mural. To his surprise, what he found was a painting of a cow with a
halo, surrounded by hundreds of Indians in various stages and 
positions of making love. Furious, he called the artist in.

"What the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire.

"Why, that's exactly what you asked for." said the artist smugly.

"No. I didn't ask for pornographic filth! What I asked for was your
interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind!"

"And there you have it," said the artist. "I call it 'Holy Cow! Look 
at all those Fucking Indians!'"



****************************************************************************  

                  New Technology
****************************************************************************  

A fella complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess  I
should see a doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do that! There's a computer 
in the lobby of the local Kaiser hospital that can diagnose anything, quicker
and cheaper than even their own doctors or nurse practitioners. Simply put
in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your  problem and
tell you what you can do about it. And, it only costs  $10.00" Figuring he
had nothing to lose, he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the
local Kaiser hospital. Finding the computer,  he poured in the sample and
deposited the $10.00. The computer  started making some noises and various 
lights started to flash. After a brief pause, a small piece of paper popped
out, on which was  printed: 1. You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm
water, avoid heavy labor and it will be better in two weeks.  Later that
evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology  was and how it 
could change medical science forever, he began to  wonder if the computer could be
fooled. He decided to give it a try.  He mixed together some tap water, a 
stool sample from his dog, urine  samples from his wife and daughter, and to top
it off he masturbated  into the concoction. He went back to Kaiser and 
poured the sample in  while depositing his $10.00. The computer began making the
usual  noise and printed out the following analysis:
              1. Your tap water is hard. Get a softener.
              2. Your dog has worms. Give him vitamins.
              3. Your daughter's on drugs. Put her in rehab.
              4. Your wife's pregnant. It ain't your's, get a lawyer.
              5. If your don't stop jerking off like that, your "tennis 
                 elbow" will never get better.

Dear Son:

I am writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast.  We
no longer live where we did when you left.  Your dad read in the paper that
most accidents happen within 20 miles of home, so we moved.  I won't be able
to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the
house numbers with them so they wouldn't have to change their address. This
place has a washing machine.  The first day, I put four shirts in it, pulled
down on the handle, and haven't seen them since. The coat you wanted me to
send you - Aunt Sue said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with all
those big buttons on it.  So I cut them off and put them in the pocket. It
rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second
time. Your sister had a baby this morning.  I don't know if it was a boy or
a girl, so I don't know if you are an uncle or an aunt. I was going to send
you some money, but the envelope was already sealed.

Love, Your Mother

PS., Hope you get this letter if you don't, let me know.


----------------------------------------------------------------------
                        Another Doctor Joke
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

   A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors
   searching through the flower beds.  "Excuse me," he said, "have you
   lost something?"

   "No," replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a heart transplant for
   an income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone."

 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------


 The Hillbilly
 
 A Hillbilly was involved in an accident.
 The Trooper asked him, "Didn't you see that yield sign when you were
 merging onto the highway?"
 The Hillbilly replied, "Ahh sure I did...and I did it...yup, I Yieeeld
 and Yieeeld at that there truck and he justa kepp on comin'!!!"


Some of this is quite funny.

****Essex girl jokes****

What does an essex girl say after a multiple orgasm ?
       *	Do you all play for the same team !
Whats an essex girls idea of protection ?
       *	A bus shelter !
How do you know if an essex girls been using your word processor ?
       *	Theres ty-pex on the screen !
How does an essex girl turn the light on in the morning ?
       *	Opens the car door !
What's the difference between an essex girl and your washing machine ?
       *	Only you have dumped your load in it !
What have an essex girl and a washing machine got in common ?
       *	They both leak when they're fucked !
Whats the difference between an essex girl and an essex boy ?
       *	The essex girl has the higher sperm count !


****Dumb Blonde Jokes****

How did the blonde try to kill a bird?
       *	She threw it off a cliff.
How do you kill a blonde?
       *	Put a mirror at the bottom of the swimming pool.
Why don't blondes have tea breaks?
       *	It would take too long to retrain them.
Why don't blondes wear red lipsick?
       *	Because red means stop.
If a blonde and a brunette jumped out of a plane at the same time, who
would
hit the ground first?
       *	The brunette, the blonde would have to stop and ask for
directions.


****Chemicals****

WOMAN :- A chemical analysis
Element - Woman
Symbol - WO
Discoverer - Adam
Atomic Mass - Accepted as 53.6Kg, but known to vary from 40-200Kg
Occurrence - Copius quantities in all urban areaas, although rarely found  

in highly reactive single state.

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES-
1 Surface usually covered in painted film
2 Boils at nothing, freezes without any known reason
3 Melts if given special treatment
4 Bitter if used incorrectly
5 Found in various stages ranging from virgin metal, to common ore
6 Yields to pressure applied to correct points

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES-
1 Has a great affinity for Au and Ag(gold and silver), and a range of   
precious stones
2 Absorbs massive quantities of expensive substances
3 May explode spontaniously without prior warning and for no reason
4 Insoluble in solution, but activity greatly increased by saturation in   
alcohol
5 Most powerful money reducing agent known to man

COMMON USES-
1 Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars
2 Can be a great aid to relaxation
3 Very effective cleaning agent
4 Can be used as a heating device, if properly prepared

TESTS-
1 Pure specimen turns rosy pink if discovered in the natural state
2 turns green if placed next to a better specimen

HAZARDS-
1 very unstable, possibly explosive, even in experienced hands
2 illegal to posses more than one, although several can be maintained at   
different locations, as long as specimens do not come into contact with   
each other

NOTES-
good specimens are believed to exist, although nobody knows exactly   
where.  Specimens are best kept in a warm environment, away from loud   
noises.  They are easily spoiled, but extremely damaged by neglect.  Bad   
specimens can be risky, even fatal to be around.


****Top Twenty Reasons Why Chocolate is Better Than Sex****

 1. You can GET chocolate.
 2. "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with
    chocolate.
 3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
 4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
 5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
 6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
 7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
 8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being
    called nasty names.
 9. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
10. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during
    working hours without upsetting your work mates.
11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face
    slapped.
12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13. With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
16. Good chocolate is easy to find.
17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
19. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
20. With chocolate size doesn't matter; it's always good


****DARWIN AWARD****

The Darwin is an annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the
biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid
way.
Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which
toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free can out of
it.
And this year's nominee is:

The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded
into the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The
wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car
was unidentifiable at the scene. The lab finally figured out what it was and
what had happened.

It seems that a guy had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted
Take Off - Actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military
transport planes an extra "push" for taking off from short airfields. He
had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight
stretch of road. Then he attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, got up some
speed and fired off the JATO!

The facts as best could be determined are that the operator of the 1967
Impala hit JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash
site. This was established by the prominent scorched and melted asphalt at that
location. The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum
thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350
mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds. The driver,
soon to be pilot, most likely would have experienced G-forces usually reserved
for dog-fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, basically causing him to
become insigificant for the remainder of the event. However, the automobile
remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before
the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and
leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an
additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet
leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock.

Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable; however, small fragments
of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater and fingernail and bone
shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the
steering wheel.

Just another cheering story to brighten you day!


****PUB JOKE****

A man walks into a pub carrying 2 presents ,he walks up to the bar and
orders a drink. the landlord questions the man "who are the presents for" the man
replies "for my wife","well thats very generous two presents" says the
landlord. The man explains "well i can't get it wrong you see, if she doesn't like
the necklace then she can wear the scarf over it " the landlord chuckles "good
idea". later that year the landlords birthday looms he decides to try this
and buys here a ring and a glove ,if she doesn't like the ring she can wear the
gloves over it. proud of his idea he tells this to paddy in the pub who
think it to is a good idea.
It finally (!) comes to paddy`s wifes birthday, paddy walks into the bar with
his two presents smiling ,the landlord asks "what did you buy then paddy" paddy
replies "i got here a blouse and a dildo , simple you see if she doesn't
like the blouse ,she can go fuck herself !!!!!!


****ANOTHER PUB JOKE****

A bloke in a pub, talking to a barman: "Do you know I can tell what sort of
car you drive, if you shove your carkeys up my arse"
Barman: "That's fucking amazing, I don't believe it"
Man: "Go ahead give it a try"
	So the bloke drops his trousers and bends over and the barman rams his
	carkeys right up his ring
Man: <groan> "That's a ford escort 1.6, Red"
Barman: "That's amazing is that"
	So he says to his mate Bill: "come over here and give this a try"
	So Bill gets his car keys out and rams them up his ring
Man: <groan> "That's a vauxhall cavalier SRi, Green"
Bill: "Bloody hell how did you do that?"
	This carries out all night with everyone in the pub until bill gets
	pissed off and thinks to himself 'Ill fix this smartarse', so he goes
	out to his car and gets his sparkplug out, comes into the pub and
	shoves it up the man's arse.
Man: <Ahhh> "Champion"


****YET AGAIN ANOTHER PUB JOKE****

A man in a pub minding his own bussiness when an arab  walks up to him
trying to sell him a camel. The business man thinks he's joking , but the arab
persists saying that "it would cut your traveling time down into work everyday,to
15 minutes instead of 60 minutes " The bussiness man likes this idea but
he's not so sure! The arab offers him a free trial with the camel. The bussiness
man accepts his offer so next morning the man sets off for work on the camel,
he can't believe it when he gets to work in just 15 minutes.He's early to work
so he decides to go and get a paper from the corner shop down the road.He ties
his camel up outside and goes inside to get the paper , but when he comes out
the camels gone ! he can't believe it! He goes straight to the police station
and reports it to the desk sargeant ! The police man reluctantly trys to take
down the  details ! He asks" what colour was the camel?" the man replies"i'm not
sure i haven't had it long","well did it have one hump or two ?" says the
police man ,again the man replies" i'm not sure " the police man tries
again "was it mail or femail sir !?" the man replies confidently this time "it
was femail ! " the police man enquires "how is it sir that you don't know the
colour ,the number of humps that the camel has ,but you new the sex"the man
explains"well i was on my way to work this morning and some bloke in an
escort wound down his window and shouted  'look at that cunt on the camel' "


****QUESTION & ANSWER TIME****

	What follows are infact detailed instructions for an anti-grav 
machine based on cats and toast. Think yourself lucky that you got to 
find out about this before the rest of the world. 

>> Question << 
	If you drop a buttered piece of bread, it will fall on the floor 
butter-side down. If a cat is dropped from a window or other high and
towering place, it will land on its feet. But what if you attach a buttered piece of
bread, butter-side up to a cat's back and toss them both out the window?
Will the cat land on its feet? Or will the butter splat on the ground?
 
>> Answer <<
	Even if you are too lazy to do the experiment yourself you should be 
able to deduce the obvious result. The laws of butterology demand that the
butter must hit the ground, and the equally strict laws of feline
aerodynamics demand that the cat can not smash its furry back. If the combined
construction were to land, nature would have no way to resolve this paradox. Therefore
it simply does not fall. 
 
	That's right you clever mortal (well, as clever as a mortal can get), 
you have discovered the secret of antigravity! A buttered cat will, when
released, quickly move to a height where the forces of cat-twisting and
butter repulsion are in equilibrium. This equilibrium point can be modified by 
scraping off some of the butter, providing lift, or removing some of the
cat's limbs, allowing descent.

	Most of the civilized species of the Universe already use this 
principle to drive their ships while within a planetary system. The loud 
humming heard by most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of several 
hundred tabbies.

	The one obvious danger is, of course, if the cats manage to eat the 
bread off their backs they will instantly plummet. Of course the cats will
land on their feet, but this usually doesn't do them much good, since right
after they make their graceful landing several tons of red-hot starship  and
pissed off aliens crash on top of them.

	So there we have the secret to Alien Space travel!
	I hope you enjoyed he trip.


****RICH BLOKE JOKE****

A really rich bloke has only two interests, one is his daughter and the
other is sharks.  One day his daughter has a really big party around a swimming
pool full of sharks, and in a drunken state her father say's, anyone who swims
across the pool can have a million pound or marry my sexy daughter.  No one
want's to until a splash is heard and a man sucessfully swim's across.  The
rick bloke then asks him what he want's and he reply's "The bloody git who
pushed me!!!".


****ROY ROGERS JOKE****

Roy Rogers is riding through the west on his faithful horse when he is
waylaid by red indians.  They want revenge for him killing so many indians and so
bury him up to his neck in sand.  Not being a nasty lot they say he can have one
last request.  So he calls his horse over and whispers into its ear.  The
horse charges off and in half an hour returns with a scantily clad woman riding
it. She get's off the horse, pulls down her bloomers and proceeds to give roy
firsts, seconds and thirds of oral sex.  The indians are so pleased by this
display they grant Roy another wish.  Again he call's his horse over, and
again whispers in its ear.  "I said get a posse you deaf git."


IMPORTANT: DO NOT KEEP THIS MESSAGE, PASS IT ON TO FIVE PEOPLE.

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't
drink and drive?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii and Tasmania?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of
parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited
there?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the
mornings?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there
locks on the doors?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to
the pan?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from
a height, what would happen?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when
you turn on the headlights?

You know how most packages say "Open here".  What is the protocol
if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a
shipment,but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on
planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you
turn down the volume on the radio?


Did you know who in 1923 was:

1.  President of the largest steel company?

2.  President of the largest gas company?

3.  President of the New York Stock Exchange?

4.  Greatest wheat speculator?

5.  President of the Bank of International Settlement?

6.  Great Bear of Wall Street?

These men should have been considered some of the world's most
successful men.
At least they found the secret of making money.  Now more than 55
years later, do you know what has become of these men?

1.  The President of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab,
died a pauper.

2.  The President of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, is
insane.

3.  The President of the N.Y.S.E., Richard Whitney, was relesed
from prison to die at home.

4.  The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad,
penniless. 

5.  The President of the Bank of International Settlement shot
himself.

6.  The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Rivermore, died of
suicide.

The same year, 1923, the winner of the most important golf
championships, Gene
Sarazan, won the U.S. Open and PGA Tournaments. Today he is still
playing golf and is solvent.

CONCLUSION: STOP WORRYING ABOUT BUSINESS AND START PLAYING GOLF!!



THE DARWIN AWARDS (source unknown)

You may recall last year's Darwin Award winner: The man who found
out moments before making a 300 MPH dent in an Arizona cliff that the
JATO(jet assist take off) unit he'd strapped to his car could not be
turned off once it was turned on.

Darwin Awards are (by definition) granted posthumously.  This
citation is bestowed upon (the remains of) that individual, who through
single-mined self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable
elements from the human gene pool.

The 1996 nominees are:

1. *=San Jose Mercury News*  An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a
club to break a former girlfriends windshield, accidentally shot
himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

2. *=Hickory Daily Record 12/21/92*  Ken Charles Barger, 47 accidentally
shot himself to death in December in Newton, N.C., when, awakening to
the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed,, he reached for the
phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson .38 Special, which discharged
when he drew it to his ear.

3. *=Unknown, 25 March*  A terrible diet and room with no ventilation
are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas.
There was no mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of
methane gas in his system.  His diet had consisted primarily of beans
and cabbage (and a couple of other things).  It was just the right
combination of foods.  It appears that the man died in his sleep from
breathing from the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed.  Had
he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been
fatal.  But the man was shut up in his near airtight bedroom.  He was a
big man with a huge capacity for creating (this deadly gas). Three of
the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.

4. *=Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario*  Man slips, falls 23 stories to his
death.  A man cleaning a bird feeder on his balcony of his condominium
apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his
death, police said Monday.  Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a
wheelchair Sunday when the accident occurred, said Inspector D'Arcy
Honer of the Peel regional police.  "It appears the chair moved and he
went over the balcony, " Honer said. "It's one of those freak accidents.
No foul play is suspected."

5. *=UPI, Toronto*  Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of
windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his
shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death.  A police spokesman said
Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto dominion Bank
Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the
building's windows to visiting law students.  Hoy previously had
conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports.
Peter Lauwers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the
Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest"
members of the 200-man association.

(editors note - I thing this guy should win, not only because he removed
some incredibly stupid genes from the pool, but he also eliminated a
lawyer in the process....)

(BEST AND BRIGHTEST?  WHATEVER DOES THAT SAY ABOUT THE REST OF THEM?)

6. *=AP, Cairo, Egypt, 31 Aug 1995 CAIRO, Egypt (AP)*  Six people
drowned Monday while trying to rescue a chicken that had fallen into a
well in southern Egypt.  An 18 year old farmer was the first to descend
into the 60-foot well.  He drowned, apparently after an undercurrent in
the water pulled him down, police said his sister and two brothers, none
of whom could swim well, went in one by one to help him, but also
drowned.  Two elderly farmers then came to help. But they apparently
were pulled by the same undercurrent.  The bodies of the six were later
pulled out of the well in the village of Nazlat Imara, 240 miles south
of Cairo.  The chicken was also pulled out.  It survived.

7. *=Times of London*  A thief who sneaked into a hospital was scarred
for life when he tried to a suntan.  After evading security staff at
Odstock Hospital in Salisbury, Wiltshire, and helping himself to
doctor's paging devices, the thief spotted a vertical sun bed.  He
walked into the unit and removed his clothes for a 45-minute tan.
However, the high-voltage UV machine at the hospital, which is renowned
for its treatment of burn victims, has a maximum dosage of 10 seconds.
After lying on the bed for almost 300 times the recommended maximum
time, the man was covered in blisters.  Hours later, when the pain of
the burns became unbearable, he went to Southampton General Hospital, 20
miles away, in Hampshire.  Staff became suspicious because he was
wearing a doctor's coat.  After tending his wounds they called the
police.  Southampton police said: "This man broke into Odstock and
decided he fancied a quick suntan.  Doctors say he is going to be
scarred for life."

"MORE INTELLIGENCE CHALLENGED PEOPLE"

8.  45 year old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas, after a
mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in
the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic
for an oil change.  According to police, Brasher later said that she
didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change
the oil.

9.  Portsmouth, RI police charged Gregory Rosa, 25, with a string of
vending machine robberies in January when he:
1.  fled from police inexplicably when they spotted him
loitering around a vending machine and
2.  later tried to post his $400 bail in coins.

10. Karen Lee Joachimi, 20, was arrested in Lake City, Florida, for
robbery of a Howard Johnson's motel.  She was armed with only an
electric chain saw, which was not plugged in.

11. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into
Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7:50 am, flashed a gun and
demanded cash.  The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't
open the cash register without a food order.  When the man ordered onion
rings, the clerk said they case weren't available for breakfast.  The
man, frustrated, walked away.

IN CASE YOU'VE FORGOTTEN ABOUT THE 1995 AWARDEES, SOME OF THEM ARE
LISTED BELOW:

James Burns, 34, of Alamo, Michigan, was killed in March as he was
trying to repair what police described as a "farm-type truck."  Burns
got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath
so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise.  Burns'
clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns
"wrapped in the drive shaft."

*=Kalamazoo Gazette, April 1, 1995*  Same thing up here in Michigan.
Seems some poor fella thought it would be a good idea to "move" a downed
wire from his car.  Newspaper reports it took a FULL MINUTE of neighbors
whacking away at him with a 2x4 to free their freshly fried former
friend from the fatal flashing.

Bowling Green, Ohio student Robert Ricketts, 19, had his head bloodied
when he was struck by a Conrail train.  He told police he was trying to
see how close to the moving train he could place his head without
getting hit.

In Wesley Chapel, Florida, Joseph Aaron, 20, was hit in the leg with
pieces of the bullet he fired at the exhaust pipe of his car.  When
repairing the car, he needed to bore a hole in the pipe.  When he
couldn't find a drill, he tried to shoot a hole in it.


WNBG


An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get
her new Dell Computer to turn on.  After ensuring the computer was
plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed
the power button.  Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot
pedal and nothing happens."  The "foot pedal" turned out to be the
computer's mouse.

Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new
computer wouldn't work.  She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it
in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen.
When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she
asked "What power switch?"

Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press
Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any"
key is.

AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was
hard to control with the dust cover on.  The cover turned out to be
the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that
the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes.
After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the
problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled
them
into the typewriter to type the labels.

Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective
diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with
Xeroxed
copies of the floppies.

A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back
in the drive and close the door.  The customer asked the tech to hold on,
and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to
close the door to his room.

Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell
tech referred him to the local Egghead.  "Yeah, I got me a couple of
friends," the customer replied.  When told Egghead was a software store,
the
man
said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."

Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer
worked.  He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and
soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing
them individually.

A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged
because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid".  The tech
explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses
shouldn't
be
taken personally.

Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax
anything.  After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician
discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in
front
of the
monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.


Seinfeld monologues

       With any kind of physical test, I don't know what it is, I always seem
       to get competitive. Remember when you were in school and they'd do
       those hearing tests? And you'd really be listening hard, you know?
       I wanted to do unbelievable on the hearing test. I wanted them to come
       over to me after and go, "We think you may have something close to
       super-hearing. What you heard was a cotton ball touching a piece of
       felt. We're sending the results to Washington, we'd like you to meet
       the President."

       *

       The proof that we don't understand death is we give dead people a
       pillow. I mean if you can't stretch out and get some solid rest at
       that point, I don't think there are any bedding accessories that can
       make the difference. But the suit and the pillow really shows how we
       have no idea what to get these people ready for. I mean, what
       situation are you going into with a suit and a pillow? There's no
       business nap meetings.

       *

       Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want
       music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a
       slick surface next to a glass door!

       *

       It's tough to do a good deed. Let's look at your professional
       good-deed doers, your Lone Rangers, your Supermen, your Batmen, your
       Spidermen. They're all wearing disguises, masks over their faces,
       secret identities. They don't want people to know who they are. Too
       much aggravation. "Superman, yeah thanks for saving my life,
       but did you have to come though my wall? I'm renting here. They've got
       a security deposit. Now what am I supposed to do?"

       *

       I'm on the plane, we left late, and the pilot says, "We're going to be
       making up some time in the air." I thought, "Isn't that interesting.
       They just make up time." That's why you have to reset your watch when
       you land. Of course, when they say they're making up time, obviously
       they're increasing the speed of the aircraft. Now my question is, if
       you can go faster, why don't you just go as fast as you can all the
       time? "Come on, they're no cops up here! Nail it! Give it some gas!
       We're flying!"

       *

       You can measure distance by time. "How far away is that place?" "About
       20 minutes." But it doesn't work the other way. "When do you get off
       work?" "Around 3 miles."

       *

       The worst way of flying, I think, is standby. You ever fly standby? It
       never works. That's why they call it standby. You end up standing
       there going, "Bye."

       *

       Frankly, I don't believe people think of their office as a workplace
       anyway. I think they think of it as a stationery store with Danish.
       You want to get your pastry, your envelopes, your supplies, your
       toilet paper, six cups of coffee, and you go home.

       *

       There are many different jobs for cops these days. It seems to me that
       Chalk Outline Guy is one of the better jobs you can get. It's not too
       dangerous, the criminals are long gone - that seems like a good one.
       I don't know who these guys are. I guess they're people who wanted to
       be sketch artists but they couldn't draw too well. "Uh, listen Johnson,
       forget the sketches, do you think if we left the dead body right there
       on the sidewalk, you could manage to trace around it? Could you do
       that?" I don't even know how that helps them solve the crime. They
       look at the thing on the ground, "Oh, his arm was like that when he
       hit the pavement, that means the killer must have been..........Jim!"

       *

       Then there's the psychiatrist. Why is that with the psychiatrist every
       hour is only fifty minutes? What do they do with the ten minutes that
       they have left? Do they just sit there going, "Boy that guy was crazy.
       I couldn't believe the things he was saying. What a nut. Who's coming
       in next? Oh no, another head case."

       *

       Talk-show hosts never seem to have any idea how much time is left in
       the show, you know? They're always looking off camera, "Do we have
       time? Are we out of time? How are we doing on time?" You never see
       Magnum P.I go, "Should I strangle this guy or are we gonna take a
       break here? Can you stay for another beating? I'll tell you what, I'll
       bop him in the head, we'll do a commercial, we'll come back, I'll
       drive in the car real fast. Stay with us."

       *

       The main difference between the man's wallet and the woman's wallet is
       the photo section. Women carry with them a photograph of every person
       they've ever met every day in their whole life since the beginning of
       time. And every picture's out of date. "Here's my cousin, 3 years old,
       she's in the Marines now. This is my dog, he died during the Carter
       administration." They get stopped by a cop, no license and
       registration. "Here's my fifty-six people who know me." Cop goes,
       "Alright ma'am, just wanted to make sure you had some friends. Move it
       along.....Routine pal check."

       *

       I will never understand why they cook on TV.
       I can't smell it.
       Can't eat it.
       Can't taste it.
       The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, "Well, here it is.
       You can't have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye."

       *

       Sunday paper is the worst. Weekend. You want to relax."Oh, by the way,
       here's a thousand pages of information you had no idea about." How can
       they tell you everything they know about every single day of the week
       and then have this much left over on Sunday when nothing's going on?

       *

       Sometimes you go to a nice restaurant, they put the check in the
       little book. What is this, the story of the bill?  "Once upon a time
       somebody ordered a salad."
       There's a little gold tassel hanging down. Am I graduating from the
       restaurant? Should I put this on the rearview mirror of my Camaro?

       *

       One thing I love about living in New York is it's every different type
       of person piled one on top of the other. I am for open immigration,
       but that sign we have in the front of the Statue of Liberty, "Give us
       your tired, your poor, your huddled masses." Can't we just say, "Hey,
       the door's open. We'll take whoever you got." Do we have to specify
       "The wretched refuse?" Why not just say, "Give us the unhappy, the
       sad, the slow, the ugly, the people that can't drive, people that have
       trouble merging, if they can't stay in their lane, if they don't
       signal, they can't parallel park, if they're sneezing, if they're
       stuffed up, if they have bad penmanship, if they don't return calls,
       if they have dandruff, food between their teeth, if they have bad
       credit, if they have no credit, missed a spot shaving...........In
       other words, any dysfunctional, defective slob that you can somehow
       cattle prod onto a wagon, send them over. We want them."

       *

       Any day that you had gym was a weird school day. It started off kind
       of normal. You had English, Geometry, Social Studies, and then
       suddenly you're in Lord of the Flies for forty minutes. you're hanging
       from a rope, you have hardly any clothes on. Teachers are yelling at
       you, "Where's your jockstrap?!" Kids are throwing dodge balls at you,
       snapping towels - you're trying to survive. And then it's History,
       Science, Language. There's something off in the whole flow of that day.

       *

       My parents took me to Amish country, which to a kid, to see a bunch of
       people that have no cars, no TV, no phone you go, "So what? Neither do
       I." Who wants to see a whole community that's been grounded? That's
       the way they should punish the kids after they've seen Amish country.
       "All right son, get up to your room. That's it, I've had it, you are
       Amish, young man. For the rest of this weekend. Did you hear me?
       Amish! And don't come down till you've made some noodles and raised
       a barn."

   A man stops into this little backwoods restaurant for lunch, and after 
finishing his meal he inquires the way to the rest  room. He was told that 
it's around the back of the building he heads through the back door, finds 
the outhouse and takes a shit, only  to discover there's no toilet paper. 
But there is a sign on the wall that reads,

         'Wipe yourself with your finger, then insert the finger into this
         hole, and your finger will be cleaned with great attention'

   So the man wipes up and sticks his finger through the hole. On the other 
side is standing a little boy holding a brick in either hand, who claps them 
together at the sight of the finger poking through.

   The guy screams in pain, yanks his hand back, and starts sucking on his 
finger....
****************************************************************************  

                               DEATH OF AN INNOCENT
****************************************************************************  

I went to a party, Mom, I remembered what you said.
You told me not to drink, Mom, so I drank soda instead.
I really felt proud inside, Mom, the way you said I would.
I didn't drink and drive, Mom, even though the others said I should.

I know I did the right thing, Mom, I know you are always right.
Now the party is finally ending, Mom, as everyone is driving out of sight.
As I got into my car, Mom, I knew I'd get home in one piece. Because
of the way you raised me, so responsible and sweet.

I started to drive away, Mom, but as I pulled out into the road, the
other car didn't see me, Mom, I heard the policemean say, the other guy is 
drunk, Mom, and now I'm the one to pay.

I'm lying here dying, Mom. I wish you'd get here soon.
How could this happen to me, Mom? My life just burst like a balloon.
There is blood all around me, Mom, and most of it is mine.
I hear the medic say, Mom, I'll die in short time.

I just wanted to tell you, Mom, I swear I didn't think. It was the
others, Mom. The others didn't think.
He was probably at the same party as I.
The only difference is, he drank and I will die.

Why do people drink, Mom?  It can ruin your whole life.  I'm feeling sharp 
pains now.
Pains just like a knife.
The guy who hit me is walking, Mom, and I don't think it's fair.
I lying here dying and all he can do is stare.

Tell my brother not to cry, Mom.  Tell Daddy to be brave.  And when go
tho heaven, Mom, put "Daddy's Girl" on my grave.  Someone should have told
him, Mom, not to drink and drive.
If only they had told I would still be alive.

My breath is getting shorter, Mom.  I'm becoming very scared.
Please don't cry for me, Mom. When I needed you, you were always there.
I have one last question, Mom, I say good bye.
I didn't drink and drive, so why am I the one to die?

**************************************************************

* Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant
with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the
other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

* At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you
wearing
your wedding ring on the wrong finger ?"
The other replied, "Yes I am, I  married the wrong man."

* Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.

* Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's
degree and the woman gets her master's.

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying
for it."

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a
man doesn't know his wife until he marries her ?  Dad: That happens in
most countries, son.
 ----------------------------------------------------------------------

* Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was
until I got married; and then it was too late.

* When a newly married man looks happy we know why. But when a
ten-year married man looks happy - we wonder why.

* Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the
man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks
and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the
neighbors listen.

* After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool
when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in
love and didn't notice it."

* It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still
ends up with the same boss.

* A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day
he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can
have mine."

* When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure
of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

* A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.

*A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a
millionaire. "And what was he before you married him." Asked the friend.
The woman replied, " A multi-millionaire".

* Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!).

* Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two
under the man's eyes.

* Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "RINGS" :
 - The Engagement Ring
 - The Wedding Ring
 - The Suffe-Ring
 - The Endu-Ring

* It's true that all men are born free and equal - but some of them
get MARRIED!

* There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found
himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and
found himself divorced.

* Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

* There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her.
They got married, and now he is going through HELL.

* They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is
love; after marriage it is self-defence.



Try this:

1.  First of all, pick the number of days a week that you would like
to have sex.
2.  Multiply this number by 2.
3.  Add 5.
4.  Multiply it by 50.
5.  If you have already had your birthday this year, add 1747.  If
you haven't, add 1746.
6.  Last step:  Subtract the four digit year that you were born.

Results:

You should now have a three digit number:  the first digit of this
was your original number (I.e. how many times you want to have sex each 
week).  The second two digits are your age!!!

It really works.  If it didn't the first time, try again!




I like Monkeys
 
 The pet store was selling them for five cents a a piece.  I thought this
was odd since they were normally a couple thousand.  I decided not to
look  a gift horse in the mouth so I bought 200 of them.  I like monkeys 
I took  my 200 monkeys home.  I have a big car.  I let one of drive.  His
name was  Sigmund.  He was retarded.  In fact, none of them were really
bright. They   kept punching themselves in the genitals.  I laughed. 
They punched me in the genitals.  I stopped laughing. I herded them into my room.  They 
didn't adapt very well to their new environment.  They would screech and
hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall.  
Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into
it's  third hour.  
 Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive;
they all died.  No apparent reason.  They all just sort of dropped dead. 
Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later.  God damn
cheap monkeys. I didn't know what to do.  There were 200 dead monkeys lying
all over my room; on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. 
It looked like I had 200 throw rugs.  I tried to flush one down the
toilet.  It didn't work.  It got stuck.  Then I had one dead, wet monkey
and one hundred ninety-nine dead, dry monkeys. I tried to pretend that they were just
stuffed  animals.  That worked for awhile, that is until they began to
decompose.  It  started to smell real bad. I had to pee but there was a
dead monkey in my  toilet and I didn't want to call a plumber.   I was
embarrassed. I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. 
Unfortunately there was only enough room for two at a time, so I had to change them 
every 30 seconds.  I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't go
bad. I tried to burn them, but little did I know that my bed was
flammable.  I had to extinguish the fire.
  Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys
in my freezer, and one hundred ninety-seven dead, charred monkeys in a pile
on my  bed,  The odor wasn't improving. I became agitated at my inability
to dispose of the dead monkeys and I really had to use the bathroom.  So
I went and severely beat one of the monkeys. I felt better. I tried
throwing them away but the garbage man said the city was not allowed to
dispose of charred primates.  I told him I had a wet one.  He couldn't
take it either.  I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.
  I finally arrived at a solution.  I gave them out as Christmas gifts. 
My friends didn't quite know what to say.  They pretended to like them, but
 I could tell they were lying.  Ingrates.  So I punched them in the genitals.
 
 I like monkeys.
 


This guy goes up to a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building
in New York. It looks like a nice place and he takes a seat at the bar.
"This is a nice place. I've never been here before," he says to the guy
next to him.
"Oh, really?" the other guy replies. "It is a nice place. It's also a
 very special bar."
"Why is that?", the first guy asks.
"Well, do you see that painting on the far wall? That's an original Van
Gogh, and this stool I'm sitting on was on the Titanic."
"Gee, that's amazing!", says the first guy.
"Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the
right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you
jump out, you'll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you're
pushed back up."
"No way! That's impossible," the guy scoffs.
"Not at all. Take a look," the other man replies, and with that he walks
 over to the window and opens it.
 He climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops 10... 20... 30...
40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh!  He comes right back up and sails
back through the window.
"See? It's fun. You should try it," he says.
"Try it?! I don't even believe I saw it!", the first man shouts. "It's
easy. Watch, I'll do it again." And with that, he falls out the
window again. He drops 10... 20... 30... 40... 50 feet, comes to a stop, and
whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window.
"Give it a try. It's a blast," he says.
"Well, what the heck, I'll give it a try," the first man says, and
proceeds to fall out the window. He falls 10... 20... 30... 40... 50...
 60...70... 80...90...100 feet and Splat!!  He ends up as road pizza on
the sidewalk.
 After watching this, the second guy casually closes the window, heads
back to the bar, and orders a drink. The bartender arrives with the
drink and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."


What girls say				...what they mean
---------------------			----------------------------------

Can't we just be friends?		There is no way in hell I am going
						to let any part of your body touch
						any part of mine, again.

I just need some space 			...without you in it

Can you help me with my			If I keep whining, the fool will do
it homework? 				for me

                                    
Do I look fat in this dress?		We haven't had a fight in a while

No, pizza's fine				Cheap bastard

I just do not want a boyfriend	I just do not want (you as) a boy-
now						friend

I don't know; what do you want	I can't believe that you have
to do?					nothing planned

Come here					My puppy does this too

I like you but... 			I don't like you

You never listen				You never listen

We're moving too quickly		I am not going to sleep with you
						until I find out if this guy in Bio
						has a girlfriend

I'll be ready in a minute		I AM ready, but I am going to make
						you wait because  know you will.

Oh, no, I will pay for myself		I am just being nice; there is no
						way I am going dutch

Oh Yes! Right there			Well, near there; I just want to get
						this over with

I'm just going out with the 		We are gonna get sloppy and make
girls.					fun of you and your friends

There's no one else			I am doing your brother

Size doesn't count...			unless I want an orgasm


____________________________________________________________________

What guys say...				...What they mean...
-------------------------		--------------------


It is just orange juice,		3 more shots, and she'll have her
try it					legs around my head.

She's kind of cute			I want to bang her till I am blue

I don't know if I like her		She won't blow me

I need you					My hand is tired

I had her 					I had (wet dreams about) her all
						week.

I really want to get to know you	...so I can tell my friends about
better 					it

How do I compare with all your	Is my penis really that small?
Other boyfriends?

You're the only girl I've ever	You are the only girl who has not
cared about					rejected me

I want you back				...for tonight anyway

We've been through so much		If it was not for you, I never
together					would have lost my virginity

I miss you so much			I am so horny that my roommate is
						starting to look good

No, I do not want to dance		Shoot! She'll know that I have a
right now					hard-on

The break-up should not start		I want to have sex a few more times
for another 24 hours

I am different from all the		I am not circumcised
other guys



Think about this.....................
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White
House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both were shot in the head.

Here is an interesting one...

Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinaited by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners.

Both successors were named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln was born in
1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy was born in
1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.joe

Both names are made of fifteen letters.

Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

And last but not least,

A week before Lincoln was shot he was in Monroe,
Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot he was in Marilyn Monroe.



Reason #173 to fear technology...


    o      o     o    o     o    <o     <o>    o>    o
   .|.    \|.   \|/   //    X     \      |    <|    <|>
    /\     >\   /<    >\   /<     >\    /<     >\   /<


Mr. Asciihead learns the Macarena.



	 Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his
teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with
the differences between boys and girls," and would his mother, "please
sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this."
 	So Johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to
her bedroom, and closes the door. "First, Johnny, i want you to take off
my blouse..." So he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off  "Ok, now take
off my skirt..." and he takes off her skirt. "Now take off my bra..."
which he does. "And now, johnny, please take off my panties." And when
johnny finishes removing those, she says, "Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any
of my clothes to school any more!"




 YOU MIGHT BE A COLLEGE STUDENT...

 1.  If you have ever price shopped for Top Ramen, you might be a
     college student....

 2.  If you live in a house with 3 couches, none of which match, you
     might be a college student....

 3.  If you consider Mac & Cheese a balanced meal, ymbacs....

 4.  If you have ever written a check for 45 cents or less, ymbacs....

 5.  If you have a fine collection of domestic beer bottles, ymbacs....

 6.  If you have ever seen 2 consecutive sunrises without sleeping,
     ymbacs....

 7.  If your glass set is composed of McDonald's Extra Value Meal
     Plastic Cups(i.e. Olympic Dream Team I or II), ymbacs...

 8.  If your underwear supply dictates the time between laundry loads,
     ymbacs....

 9.  If you cannot remember when you last washed your car, ymbacs....

 10. If you can pack your worldly possessions into the back of a
     pick-up(one trip), ymbacs....

 11. If you have ever had to justify yourself for buying Natural Light,
     ymbacs....

 12. If the first thing you do in the morning is roll over and
     produce yourself, ymbacs.....

 13. If your bed time is no longer 10:00 PM, but 3:00 AM, ymbacs....

 14. If you consider Pizza one of the 4 major food groups, ymbacs...

 15. If you consider the other 3 to be beer, McDonalds, and candy,
     ymbacs....

 16. If you've ever missed a class to watch Ricki Lake(or the
     equivalent to), ymbacs....

 17. If you've ever sent e-mail to the people you live with, ymbacs....

 18. If you refer to your meal card as "plastic", ymbacs....

 19. If you've ever spent a good hour searching for your student I.D.
     just so you could get that one dollar off at the movies, ymbacs....

 20. If you've ever stayed up all night just so you wouldn't sleep
     through your morning class, ymbacs....

 21. If you've ever called your roommates, not knowing where you were
     and asked them to come and get you, ymbacs....

 22. If you've ever called home just to talk to your pets, ymbacs...

 23. When you work your class schedule around drinking, ymbacs....

 24. When you watch TV with no volume while listening to the radio,
     ymbacs...

 25. When you can play euchre in any state of mind, ymbacs....

 26. When showering doesn't happen on a daily basis, ymbacs...

 27. When a blender is your first major appliance, ymbacs...

 28. When you're not a dork if you wear your backpack on both
     shoulders, ymbacs...

 29. If you can't find money to buy food but it miracously appears to
     buy alcohol, ymbacs....

 30. When weather begins to be a major factor on your class attendance,
     ymbacs....

 31. When you would rather do e-mail than study for a test, ymbacs...

 32. When your second major appliance is a coffee maker, ymbacs....

 33. When your walls are covered with beer signs, ymbacs...

 34. When you have a separate refridgerator for beer, ymbacs...

 35. When you spend a majority of your time reading forwarded mail,
     ymbacs...

 36. When you consume more caffeine through pop and coffee in 1
     semester than you have in your entire life, ymbacs.....

 37. When you insist on having your room clean before any studying can
     be done, ymbacs...




PERSONALITY TEST
1) if your boat sank and then you swim to a life boat and climb in how
    many people are in there with you?
2) then you row to shore and have to cross a desert, how many pairs of
    shoes do you use?
3) in the distance you see a city, but to the side you pass an oasis.  do
    you stop and rest for as long as you want, rest for just a minute, or
    ignore it and keep going towards to the city?
4) you get to the city and there's a castle, at the edge of a long
    corridor you see a queen/king on the throne.  what does he/she look
    like?
5) you go down this spiral stairway and it's dark, along the walls it's
    lit with torches intermittently.  as you're walking down a lady/knight
    from the court passes you by.  you only catch a glimpse of his/her
    face. who was he/she?  someone you know.
6) then you get to a banquet room and you see this long table and in the
    middle of the table is a gold goblet.  you look inside.  how full of
    wine is it?

check below for interpretations



1) that's how many true friends you have
2) that's how many true loves you'll have before getting married.
3) work ethic.
4) what you imagine your ideal mate to look like.
5) this is the person you'll never get over for the rest of your life.
6) how full it is represents how much of yourself you give in a
    relationship.



"Friendship is the bridge between the lonely and loved, between a glance and
a gaze.  It stretches from the fog into sunshine, hopelessness into faith,
between despair and joy.  It crosses the chasm from hell and to heaven, from
God to man, and from you to me."
                                -Anonymous





 A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing.

 He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the
 green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears,

 "Ribbit. 9 Iron"

 The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.

 "Ribbit. 9 Iron."

 He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his
 other club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

 Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked.

 He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be
 a lucky frog, eh?"

 The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog."

 The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.

 "What do you think frog?"the man asks.

 "Ribbit. 3 wood."

 The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom!  Hole in one. The man is
 befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the
 man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK
 where to next?"

 The frog reply, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."

 They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"

 The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."

 Upon approaching the roulette table,the man asks, "What do you think
 I should bet?"

 The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6."

 Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game,
 the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back
 across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room
 in the hotel.

 He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay
 you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

 The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me."

 He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves
 it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

 "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."



"I am Homer of Borg, prepare  
to be ...  Mmmmmm.  Donuts."





Subject: Rejected State Mottos

ALABAMA:  Literacy Ain't Everything
ARKANSAS:  At Least We're not Oklahoma
CALIFORNIA:  Se Habla Ingles
CONNECTICUT:  New York City's OTHER Suburb
FLORIDA:  The Gunshine State
IDAHO:  Famous Potatoes ... and Neo-Nazis
ILLINOIS:  Gateway to Iowa
INDIANA:  Home of Dan Quayle
KANSAS:  Don't Blame Us, We Voted For Dole
KENTUCKY:  Tobacco is a Vegetable
MAINE:  For Sale
MARYLAND:  We're Better Than Virginia, Damn It!
MINNESOTA:  Land of 7,000 lakes and 3,000 man-made ponds
MONTANA:  Land of the Big Sky, and Very Little Else
NEW JERSEY:  The Garbage State
NEW MEXICO:  Lizards Make Excellent Pets
NEW YORK:  You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an
Attorney
NORTH CAROLINA:  Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
OHIO:  Don't Judge us by Cleveland
OREGON:  Jerry Garcia was here!
PENNSYLVANIA:  Cook with Coal
SOUTH DAKOTA:  Closer than North Dakota
TENNESSEE:  The Educashun State
TEXAS:  Don't Mess with Texas -- We're Armed
UTAH:  Our Jesus is Better Than Your Jesus
VIRGINIA:  We're Better Than Maryland, Damn It!
WASHINGTON:  Keep Washington Green, Grow Hemp
WYOMING:  Flat Is Where It's At




THE SHY GUY
                             - Submitted by Sidney Kimmel
                     -------------------------------------
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman
sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage,
he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively.
"Um, Would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?

To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs,
"No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.  Naturally,
the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he
slinks back to his table.  After a few minutes, the woman
walks over to him and apologizes.  She smiles at him and says,
"I'm sorry if I embarrassed you.  You see, I'm a graduate
student in psychology and I'm studying how people
respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs,
"What do you mean $200?"



	The Penis List

1. The Nuprin Penis- Little, Yellow, Different.
2. The Equal Penis- Tastes like sugar
3. The Raid Penis- Kills bugs dead.
4. The Excedrin Penis- It's tthhhhiiiiiissss big.
5. The Sprite Penis- Image is nothing......Taste is everything.
6. The Snickers Penis-It satisfies you.
7. The Alkaseltzer Penis- Pop, Pop, Fizz, Fizz.....Oh, what a relief it
is.....

Everyone of you is a sick individual......Oh wait! I got one!

8. The Manavox Penis- Smart. Very Smart.
9. The Life Call Penis- It's fallen and it can't get up. 
10. The American Express Penis- Don't leave home without it.
11. The Tootsie Roll Pop Penis- How many licks DOES it take....?
12. The Pringles Penis- Once you pop, you can't stop.
13. The M & M Penis- Melts in your mouth, not in your hand.
14. The Frosted Flakes Penis- They're GGGRRRRREEEEEAAAAATTTTTTTT!!!!!!
15. The Lucky Charms Penis- They're magically delicious.
16. The Energizer Penis- It keeps going and going 
17. The Metra Penis- The Way to REALLY fly
18. The Right Quard Penis- Anything less is uncivilized
19. The Jolly Green *GIANT* Penis- Self-explanatory
20. The Cambells Soup Penis- MMM MMM Good
21. The Purple Pickle Penis- HEH HEH!
22. The Rabid Wombat Penis- Just Kidding Guys
23. The Kix Penis- Kid tested, mother approved
24. The McDonald's Penis- Over 8 billion served
25. The Tombstone Penis- What would you like on your penis?
26. The Ragu Penis- Comes out chunkier than the rest.
27. The Chips Ahoy Penis- Betcha bite a chip. (huh?)
28. The Cobain Penis- It blows itself away
29. The Purdue Penis- More meat, less bone
30. The All State Penis- You're in good hands
31. The 7-up Penis- The UN-penis
32. The Nike Penis- Just do it.
33. The Borden Penis- It's GOT to be good.
34. The Barq's Penis- The one with bite.




WELL here's a few reasons why guys like girls

1. They will always smell good even if its just shampoo
2. The way their heads always find the right spot on our shoulder
3. How cute they look when they sleep
4. the ease in which they fit into our arms
5. the way they kiss you and all of a sudden everything is right in the
   world
6. How cute they are when they eat
7. The way they take hours to get dressed but in the end it makes it all
   worth while
8. because they are always warm even when its minus 30 out side
9. the way they look good no matter what they wear
10. the way they fish for compliments even though you both know that you
    think she's the most beautiful thing on this earth
11. How cute they are when they argue
12. the way her hand always finds yours
13. the way they smile
14. the way you feel when you see their name on the call display after you
    just had a big fight
15. the way she says "lets not fight anymore" even though you know that an
    hour later....
16. the way they kiss when you do something nice for them
17. The way they kiss you when you say "I love you'
18. actually... just the way they kiss you...
19. the way they fall into your arms when they cry
20. then the way they apologize for crying over something that silly 
21. The way they hit you and expect it to hurt
22. then the way apologize when it does hurt ..(even though we don't admit
    it!)
23. the way they say "I miss you"
24. the way you miss them
25. the way their tears make you want to change the world so that it
    doesn't hurt her anymore.....Yet regardless if you love them, hate them,
    wish they would die or know that you would die without them... it matters
    not.  Because once in your life, whatever they were to the world they
    become everything to you. When you look them in the eyes, traveling to the
    depths of their souls and you say a million things without trace of a
    sound, you know that your own life is inevitably consumed within the
    rhythmic beatings of her very heart.  We love them for a million reasons,
    No paper would do it justice. It is a thing not of the mind but of the
    heart.  A feeling.  Only felt. 




This is the 100 question Purity Test. Score one point for each "no" answer.
The total is your "Percent Pure".
MOS Stands for Member of the Opposite Sex.
Good Luck!

Have you ever...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. told a dirty joke to an MOS

2. had a date

3. been out on a date after 4 AM

4. had a blind date

5. danced cheek to cheek

6. kissed an MOS

7. kissed an MOS in the horizontal position

8. kissed an MOS in the last 3 months

9. kissed an MOS underwater (showers don't count)

10.been French kissed

11.kissed/been kissed on the breast

12.kissed/been kissed on the thigh

13.been aroused (actually says had an erection but we changed it to 
fit women)

14.necked

15.necked for more than 2 consecutive hours

16.come while necking

17.seen a naked MOS over the age of 15

18.been seen naked by an MOS after puberty

19.seen a pornographic book/magazine

20.seen a pornographic movie

21.committed an act of voyeurism (consciously/purposely watched 2
people going at it)

22.had an alcoholic drink

23.been drunk

24.used alcohol to lower an MOS's resistance to sexual activity

25.smoked tobacco

26.smoked marijuana or hash

27.used a stronger drug

28.fondled a woman's breast/been fondled

29.caressed an MOS's thigh

30.fondled an MOS's buttocks

31.fondled an MOS's genitalia

32.had your genitals fondled

33.done/had done a clitoral stimulation

34.had an orgasm due to manipulation by an MOS

35.gone through the motions of intercourse while fully dressed

36.massaged or been massaged by an MOS

37.showered, bathed, or saunaed with an MOS

38.been undressed by an MOS

39.undressed an MOS

40.had sexual intercourse (your score is about to go way up if you're 
   a virgin)

41.had sexual intercourse outdoors

42.had sexual intercourse more than 10 times

43.had sexual intercourse with a virgin

44.had sexual intercourse 3 or more times in one night

45.had sexual intercourse in 3 or more positions

46.had sexual intercourse in a car

47.had sexual intercourse with 2 MOS's in the same 24 hours

48.had sexual intercourse with someone other than the one you lost 
   your virginity to

49.had sexual intercourse using a condom

50.had sexual intercourse without a condom

51.had sexual intercourse at an MOS's house

52.had sexual intercourse within the last 3 months

53.had sexual intercourse while swimming

54.had sexual intercourse while another person was asleep in the same room

55.had anal intercourse

56.impregnated a woman/been impregnated

57..arranged/had an abortion

58.gone on/been the object of a nookie run over 100 miles (have you
   gone over 100 miles to fool around/have sex with someone or has someone 
   done same to be with you)

59.had/ given someone a hickey

60.described a sexual experience to a third party

61.committed incest

62.attended an orgy

63.committed statutory rape

64.committed forcible rape (you should be shot)

65.been propositioned by a prostitute or pimp

66.accepted above

67.engaged in cunnilingus (oral sex)

68.engaged in fellatio

69.???????

70.masturbated

71.masturbated with another person in the room

72.masturbated to a picture

73.been caught masturbating

74.watched another person masturbate

75.been propositioned by a homosexual

76.accepted the above

77.been masturbated by a member of same sex

78.been orally stimulated by member of same sex

79.had sexual intercourse with homosexual/bisexual MOS

80.lived in a coed room with 3 or more occupants (for at least a week)

81.displaced (sexiled) your roommate due to the visit of an MOS for 
   the night

82.committed an OOPS! (barging in on an embarassing situation)

83.been OOPSed on

84.spent the night in an MOS's room or apartment

85.slept with an MOS

86.wrestled with an MOS

87.had an STD test due to reasonable suspicion

88.had an STD

89.had passion cramps (been really really frustrated)

90.fondled an MOS under 13 years of age

91.worn an MOS's underwear

92.committed bestiality

93.tasted semen

94.simulated intercourse with an inanimate object

95.picked up an MOS

96.played coed strip ________ (coed strip anything)

97.had an orgasm in a dream (this one is so sexist)

98.experimented sexually before puberty

99.purchased contraceptives in a drugstore

100.committed an act of exhibitionism





50 Fun Things to do in a Mall
 -------------------------------------------

1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the
    reflecting pond.

2. Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson
    if they make your butt look big.

3. Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio
    Shack.

4. Sneeze on the sample tray at Hickory Farms and
   helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted
    contents.

5. At the bottom of an escalator, scream  "MY SHOELACES!
    AAAGH!"

6. Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether
    inflated CD prices are in pesos or rubles.

7. Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them
    unsalable.

8. Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger King...

9. ...but save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people
    that they're "astronaut food".

10. Follow patrons of B. Dalton's around while reading
     aloud from "Dianetics."

11. Ask mall cops for stories of World War I.

12. Ask a salesman why a particular tv is labeled black
     and white and insist that it's a color set. When he
     disagrees, give him a strange look and say, "You
     mean you really can't see it?"

13. Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of
     Sears.

14. Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a
     fashion dummy in clothes departments, occasionally
     screaming without warning.

15. Test mattresses in your pajamas.

16. Ask the tobaccanist if his hovercraft is full of
     eels.

17. If you're patient, stare intently into a surveillance
     camera for an hour while rocking from side to side.

18. Sprint up the down escalator.

19. Stare at static on a display tv and challenge other
     shoppers whether they, too, can see the "hidden
     picture".

20. Ask appliance personnel if they have any tvs that
     play only in Spanish.

21. Make unusual requests at the Piercing Pagoda.

22. Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well
     a particular saw cuts through bone.

23. At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on
     gerbils, and whether there's much meat on them.

24. Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner.

25. Ask for red-tinted lenses at the optometrist.

26. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and
     spray *them* with your own bottle of Eau de Swane.

27. Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy
     store, insisting that you lost a contact lens.

28. Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of
     panties matches the color of your beard.

29. In the changing rooms, announce in a singsong voice,
     "I see London, I see France..."

30. Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of
     shoes, and wander around the mall taking two inch
     steps.

31. Play the tuba for change.

32. Ask the Hamond organ dealer if he can play "Jesus
     Built My Hotrod".

33. Record belches on electronic sampling keyboards, and
     perform gastric versions of Jingle Bells for
     admiring onlookers.

34. Ask the pharmacist at the drugstore which leading
     cold remedy will "give you a really wicked buzz".

35. Ask the personnel at Pier 1 Imports whether they have
     "any giant crap made out of straw".

36. "Toast" plastic gag hot dogs in front of the fake
      fireplace display.

37. Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out
      as religious tracts.

38. Ask the information desk for a stroller, and someone
      to push you around in it.

39. Change every tv in the electronics department to a
      station showing "Saved by the Bell". Chant the
      dialogue in a robotic voice, and scream if anyone
      tries to switch channels on one of the sets.

40. Hang out in the waterbed section of the furniture
      department wearing a Navy uniform.  Occasionally
      run around in circles yelling  "scratch one
      flattop!"

41. Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room
     attendant and scornfully announce that none of them
     are "leakproof".

42. "Play" the demo modes of video games at the arcade.
     Make lots of explosion noises.

43. Stand transfixed in front of a mirror bobbing your
     head up and down.

44. Pay for all your purchases with two-dollar bills to
     provoke arguments over whether they're real.

45. If it's Christmas, ask the mall Santa to sit on
     *your* lap.

46. Answer any unattended service phones that ring in
      department stores and say "Domino's."

47. Try on flea collars at the pet store while
     occasionally pausing to scratch yourself.

48. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back
     permed.

49. Show people your driver's license and demand to know
     "whether they've seen this man."

50. Buy a jawbreaker from the candy store.  Return
     fifteen minutes later, fish it out of your mouth,
     and demand to know why it hasn't turned blue yet.



It's been a week of mixed fortunes for alcohol. In France, scientists have
proved that four glasses of wine a day help prevent senile dementia.
Slightly less Salutray, however, are the effects it has on Spaniard Jose
Pigputta, who's found that extended exposure to alcohol causes him to
remove his clothes and set fire to municipal buildings. Mr Pigputta, 23,
of Cordoba, first became aware of his affliction on his 18th birthday. "It
was the first time I'd been drunk," he recalled. "And I was overcome by
this irresistible urge to strip naked and set light to the town planners
office." The building was duly ignited, the first in a series of
Government offices torched by Pigputta over the ensuing five years, all
whilst drunk, and all in the nude. Amazingly, despite extensive
investigations, he wasn't arrested until two months ago, and then only
after being found stark naked outside his local police station with a
bottle of whiskey in one hand and a Molotov cocktail in the other. He is
now serving eight years in prison. "Alcohol makes you do funny things,"
said one expert. "I had to be pissed as a fart to join the police force."

After years of neglect, fruit is finally getting the recognition it
deserves. A study by the British Heart Forum has oncluded that greater
consumption of fruit could cut deaths from heart disease by 30 per cent.
"Fruit's a lifesaver," commented one expert. It's also good at catching
criminals, as demonstrated in Germany, where a bankrobber was brought to
justice by a pair of public-spirited watermelons. The robber in question
had just held up a bank in Munich, and was making his escape pursued by
three of the bank's cashiers. As luck would have it two of the three
belonged to a local tenpin bowling club and, passing a display of
watermelons outside a grocer's shop, they each seized a fruit and launched
it down the road after their quarry.
"Gunther's just missed," explained Matthias Sachs. "Mine, however hit him
full on and knocked him over. He went down like a skittle." 
"It was an amazing shot," opined Gunther Verdis. "Particularly for someone
like Mathhias, who normally couldn't bowl his way out of a paper bag."

It's all been going horribly wrong for election candidates. In Birmingham,
a dog bit off a Labour campaigner's finger as she pushed a leaflet through
a letterbox. Equally fortunate was American Arlon Nugget, 38, of Iowa,
probably the most accident-prone campaigner of all time. Mr. Nugget's
electoral disasters began in 1980, when a pig gored him as he delivered
Republican leaflets to a farmstead. From then things went rapidly
downhill. In 1984 he broke his pelvis during a "Vote Reagan!" parachute
jump, and in 1988 was crushed beneath a 20ft model of George Bush's head.
Nineteen Ninety Two proved reasonably uneventful, save for an accident at
a munitions factory where he inadvertently shot three supporters, but his
1996 campaign was ruined when a swarm of bees mistook his rosette for a
flower and almost stung him to death. "I do it for the buzz," admitted a
recuperating Mr Nugget."

Builder Alert! In Leeds, an idyllic granite cottage was mistakenly
pebble-dashed by workmen who were supposed to be doing the house next
door. In Israel meanwhile, an elderly couple employed a builder to cut a
cat-flap in their back door, and ended up having to completely rebuild
their house. Trouble started the moment handyman Ethan Getz arrived at the
home of Saul and Miri Levi, in Haifa. "The door was too small for a
cat-flap," recalled Mr Getz, "so I thought I'd try to widen it."
Unfortunately, as he did so he knocked down most of the wall around the
door, which in turn caused the room above to partially cave in. To rectify
the situation Getz decided to rebuild the front wall of the house, but
this only caused the upper storey to collapse, severing gas pipes which
blew up what was left of the house to rubblw. "At least it'll be easy for
the cat to get in now," said a sheepish Mr. Getz




"How To make Shallow Snap Judgements...."
.... The trick to successful dating is learning how to interpret the hidden
signs.... those giveaway gestures that can tell you so much about a
person!!!  Train yourself to recognizr - and decode - these KEY "SIGNS"!! 
lol........
1.  Woman won't unlock car door for man - Doesn't engage in oral sex....
2.  Man gets in car without opening door for woman - No foreplay!...
3.  Insists on going to a brand new restaurant - Prefers virgins.....
4.  Insists on going to a brand new restaurant but gets lost on the way -
IS a virgin...
5.  Can't hail a cab - Impotent.....
6.  Insists on going to a homely little cafe with windmill motif -
Compulsive Don Quixote....
7.  Insists on going to a romantice candle lit restaurant - Complusive Don
Juan....
8.  Insists on going to a Polynesian bar - Compulsive Don Ho...
9.  Wants to go to a French restaurant - Will swallow....
10. Wants to go to a deli - Won't swallow.....
11. Takes to long deciding what to order - Has trouble reaching orgasm...
12. Orders salad dressing on the side - Will give you a hand job, but will
not go "all the way"...
13. Gives explicit  orders to waiter - Will expect incredibly skillful
gymnastics in bed....
14. Asks for extra rolls  - Will say she's using birth control when she's
not, will get pregnant and sue....
15. Insists on ordering for you, referring to you as "The lady will
have...." - Thinks you had an orgasm when you didn't 
16. Asks for "The Usual" - Insists on missionary position only......
17. Asks what the specials are - Will want you to use handcuffs....
18. Fills up on bread and crackers - Premature ejaculation
19. Doesn't finish everything on plate - Has already come....
20. Insists on having some of whatever you ordered - Will make you sleep on
the wet spot... 
21. Changes mind after ordering - Will never call you....
22. Changes tables - Nymphomaniac......
23. Drinks Decaf. - Fakes Orgasm (Female)
24. Orders in French - Fakes Orgasm (Male).....
25. Sends food back - Will sleep with you, brag to all his friends, then
try to borrow money..... 
26. Asks for detailed descriptions of desserts - needs you to talk dirty
during sex
27. Orders a dessert involving ladyfingers - Wants a handjob....
28. Orders a dessert involving nuts - Castrating Bitch.... lol, ^5
goilys!!!
29. Wants to split dessert - Is dying to get rid of her apartment, move in
with you, rearrange your closets, and take down all your baseball posters 
30. Credit card is refused - low sperm count.....
31. Undertips waiter - Small penis
32. Undertips parking valet - Small penis....
33. Undertips cabbie - Small penis......
34. Uses toothpick - Is trying to tell you size isn't everything....
35. Removable cassette player in car - Pulls out repeatedly during sex
36. Cellular phone in car - Penile implant




|  125 THINGS NEVER TO SAY DURING SEX 
|  
|  1)is it in? 
|  2)that's it? 
|  3)you've got to be kidding me. 
|  4)(phone rings) hello? oh nothing and you? 
|  5)do i have to pay for this? 
|  6)do i have to call you tomorrow? 
|  7)oh momma, momma! 
|  8)oh dadda, dadda! 
|  9)you look better in the dark. 
|  10)this is much better than my last girl/boyfriend. 
|  11)i thought that goes in the other hole.... 
|  12)don't tell my husband/wife. 
|  13)you have the same bra my mom does (worse if the girl says it). 
|  14)this sucks. 
|  15)can you finish now? i have a meeting... 
|  16)i hope you don't expect a raise for this... 
|  17)i think you might get the job for this. 
|  18)damn! is that all you know what to do. 
|  19)did i tell you, i have herpes? 
|  20)now we must get married. 
|  21) hurry up, the games about to start. 
|  22)i'm hungry. 
|  23)i'm thirsty. 
|  24)zzzzzzzzzzzz. 
|  25)are you trying to be funny? 
|  26)can i have a ride home after this? 
|  27)are those real? 
|  28)by the way, i want to break up. 
|  29)is that smell coming from you? 
|  30)haven't you ever done this before? 
|  31)wow!! i've never seen those before (then grope wildly). 
|  32)do you know what some female spiders do after sex? 
|  33)you're so much like your sister.... 
|  34)your mom's cute. 
|  35)what's your name again? 
|  36)do i have to be here in the morning? 
|  37)a second time? i barely stayed awake the first time! 
|  38)but you just started!! 
|  39)you're about as good as a 9 year old, and i should know!! 
|  40)don't touch that!! 
|  41)can we order a pizza? 
|  42)i think my dad is listening at the door. 
|  43)smile for the camera, honey!!! 
|  44)take off that damn monkey glove!! 
|  45)get your hand out of there!! 
|  46)i think the condom broke 10 minutes ago. 
|  47)i knew you wore a padded bra!! 
|  48)cover me boys, i'm going in!!! 
|  49)DIVE! DIVE! DIVE! 
|  50)Fire one! 
|  51)God, that is small!! 
|  52)hold on, let me change the channel... 
|  53)who smells like fish? 
|  54)is it o.k. if my mom (and/or dad) joins in? 
|  55)your best-friend does it much better. 
|  56)hope you don't mind i left my boots on. 
|  57)hurry up, the motor's runnin'. 
|  58)you're fogging up the wind-sheild. 
|  59)can i borrow 5 bucks? 
|  60)what the hell noise was that?! 
|  61)stop moaning, you sound so stupid. 
|  62)shut up, bitch! (worse if the girl says it) 
|  63)you know, you're not really attractive. 
|  64)i'm sorry, i was not listening. 
|  65)what, oh yea, i love you too, now let me concentrate!! 
|  66)stop interrupting me!! 
|  67)i have to take a shit. 
|  68)did i leave the iron on? 
|  69)your breath is funky. 
|  70)(start singing Green Day). 
|  71)is it o.k. if i call someone, its o.k. though, keep going.... 
|  72)its ok honey, i can imagine that its bigger. 
|  73)god i wish you were a real woman. 
|  74)why can't you ever shave your legs? 
|  75)by the way, when i drove over here, i ran over your dog.... 
|  76)oh susan, susan... i mean donna.... shit. 
|  77)your breast milk is like my mom's.... 
|  78)you're hairy!! 
|  79)your "happy trail" led me to a dead end. 
|  80)is it o.k. if i never see you again? 
|  81)did i forget to tell you i got worms from my cat? 
|  82)don't make that face at me! 
|  83)all of a sudden i have a headache. 
|  84)you're boring. 
|  85)i like your tits. 
|  86)suck my dick, bitch. 
|  87)how much do i owe you? 
|  88)How come we each have a penis? 
|  89)of course you can't be on top, you're too fat, you'l kill me! 
|  90)your ass is hairy (the guy says this). 
|  91)just use your finger, its bigger. 
|  92)does your family have to watch? 
|  93)we'll try again later when you can satisfy me too. 
|  94)get off me, i'll do it myself!!!! 
|  95)can you hold this sandwhich for me? 
|  96)you're as soft as a sheep, inside and out. 
|  97)the only reason i'm doing this is because i'm drunk. 
|  98)my mom taught me this..... 
|  99)how cute... peach fuzz! 
|  100)Damn girl! my tits are bigger than your's! 
|  101)should i ask why you're bleeding? 
|  102)this is my pet rat, larry.... 
|  103)if you can't do it, i'll find someone else who can! 
|  104)i haven't had this much sex since i was a hooker! 
|  105)i was once a woman... 
|  106)wanna see me take out my glass eye? 
|  107)no i don't love your mind, i can't grab that!! 
|  108)is it o.k. if i tell my friends about this? 
|  109)i'm sobering up and you're getting ugly! 
|  110)you wanted me to use a condom? 
|  111)you're no better than my brother!! 
|  112)mooooo!! 
|  113)Fire in the hole!!! 
|  114)i wanna see how many quarters i can fit in there. 
|  115)hurry up, i'm late for a date. 
|  116)o.k. start...oh! that feels so... YOU'RE DONE??!! 
|  117)you ever see basic instinct? 
|  118)i'm out of condoms, can i use a sock? 
|  119)don't squirm, you'll spill my beer. 
|  120)Did i tell you where my cold sore came from? 
|  121)you got boogies showing. 
|  122)(start reciting the 10 commandments). 
|  123)i think i just shit on your bed. 
|  124)of course i don't love you. 
|  125)let me spell it out for you, b-r-e-a-t-h m-i-n-t. 
|  



|  A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder
|  going into the clouds.  As any of us would do, he climbed the
|  ladder.  He reached a cloud, upon which was sat a rather
|  plump and very ugly woman.  "Screw me or climb the ladder to
|  success" she said.
|  
|  No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the
|  next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who
|  was slightly easier on the eye.  "Screw me hard or climb
|  the ladder to success" she said.  "Well", thought the man,
|  "might as well carry on.
|  
|  On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this
|  time, was quite attractive.  "Screw me now or climb the ladder
|  to success" she uttered.
|  
|  As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man
|  thought to himself that this was getting better the further he
|  went.
|  
|  On the next cloud was an absolute beauty.  Slim, attractive, the
|  lot.  "Fuck me or climb the ladder to success" she flirted.
|  
|  Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a
|  gambling man, he decided to climb again.
|  
|  When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly
|  man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.
|  
|  "Who are you?" the man asked.
|  
|  "Hello" said the ugly fat man said, "my name's Cess!"
|  
|  
|  
|  



| Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable
| garden, but no matter what she did, she couldn't get her tomatoes
| to ripen. Admiring her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful
| bright red tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his
| secret. "It's really quite simple," the old man explained. "Twice
| each day, in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in
| front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment."
| Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and
| proceeded to expose herself to her plants twice daily. Two weeks
| passed and her neighbor stopped by to check her progress. "So", he
| asked, "Any luck with your tomatoes?" "No", she replied
| excitedly... "But you should see the size of my cucumbers!"
| 
| 
| 





| 
| HE SAID :
| 
| I'm Glad I'm A Man
| 
| I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe
| I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese
| I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts
| I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west
| I don't get wasted after only 2 beers
| and when I do drink, I don't end up in tears.
| 
| I won't spend hours deciding what to wear,
| I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair
| and  I don't  go around checking my reflection
| in everything shiny from every direction.
| I don't whine in public and make us leave early
| and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.
| 
| I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing
| I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring,
| I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back
| I don't carry our differences into the sack.
| I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
| or think every guy out there's trying to steal you.
| I'm rational, reasonable, and logical, too
| I know what the time is and I know what to do.
| 
| And I honestly think it's a privilege for me
| to have these two balls and stand when I pee
| I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball
| It's more fun than dealing with women afterall
| I won't cry if you figure out it's not going to work
| I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk
| Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure
| I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.
| 
| Yes, I'm glad I'm a man, a man you see
| I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery
| I don't get all bitchy every 28 days
| I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise
| I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful that it's true
| I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!
| 
| 
| SHE SAID :
| 
| I'm Glad I'm A Woman
| 
| I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am.
| I don't live off of Budweisser beer, nuts and Spam
| I don't brag to my buddies about my erections
| I won't drive to hell before I ask for directions
| I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown
| and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!
| 
| I won't grab your hooters, I won't pitch your butt
| my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut
| and I don't go around readjusting my crotch
| or yell  like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch
| I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind
| I'm a woman you see-- I'm just not that kind!
| 
| I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing
| I don't have body hair like shag carpeting
| It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back
| When I lean over, you can't see 3 inches of crack
| And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb
| I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome
| Or have few hairs pulled from over the side
| I'm a woman, you know-- I've got far too much pride!
| 
| And I honestly think it's a privilege for me
| to have these two boobs and squat when I pee
| I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball
| I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal
| I won't tell you my wife just does not understand
| stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
| or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
| then srew you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
| 
| Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see
| you can forget all about that old penis envy
| I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks
| join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick
| I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true
| I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!  
| 
| 

|    			What NOT to call your dog....
|    
|    Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy."  I call mine "Sex."
|    
|    Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me.  When I went to City Hall to
|    renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said,
|    "Yeah, I'd like to have one, too!" Then, I said, "But this is a dog!"
|    He said he didn't care what she looked like.  I said, "You don't understand.
|    I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He said I must have been quite a
|    kid.
|    
|    When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told
|    the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room
|    for Sex. He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said,"You don't
|    understand; Sex keeps me awake at night."  The clerk said, "Me,too."
|    
|    One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog
|    ran away.  Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking
|    around.  I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest.  He told me I
|    should have sold my own tickets. "But, you don't understand, "I said, "I had
|    hoped to have Sex on TV."  He called me a show-off.
|    
|    When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the
|    dog.  I said, "Your honor, I had Sex before I was married."  The judge said,
|    "Me, too."  Then I told him that after I was married Sex left me.  He said,
|    "Me, too."
|    
|    Last night Sex ran off again.  I spent hours looking around town for him. A
|    cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at
|    4 o'clock in the morning?"  I said I was looking for Sex.
|    
|    My case comes up next Friday. 
|  



|  
|  A young couple is out carousing one evening.  While driving down
|  the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour,
|  will you take off your clothes?"
|  
|  She agrees and he begins to speed up.  When the spedometer hits
|  100 she starts to strip.  When she gets all her clothes off he is
|  so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the
|  car.  The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes
|  and her boyfriend are trapped in the car.  "Go get help.", he
|  pleads.
|  
|  She replies, "I can't, I'm naked."
|  
|  He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says "Cover your
|  snatch with that and go get help."
|  
|  She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station
|  down the road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the
|  attendant, "HELP! HELP! My boyfriend's stuck!"
|  
|  The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies,
|  "I'm sorry Miss.  He's too far in."
|  
| 


A rabbit goes into a butcher shop and asks if they have any lettuce, the
butcher replies no we don't sell that only meat, so the rabbit hops out, 
the next day the rabbit comes in again and asks if they have any lettuce, 
the butcher replies no, like I told you yesterday we only sell meat. the 
next day the rabbit comes in again and asks if they have any lettuce, this 
time the butcher is really pissed off and replies, " you know we have no 
lettuce, if you come back here and ask if we have lettuce I'll nail
your ears to the floor with nails." the next day the rabbit comes in
again this time asks "Do you have any nails?" the butcher finds this weird 
but answers "No" the rabbit then asks " Do you have any lettuce.?"


A man (M) and a lady (L) who are very much in love, and devoted to
one another are separated by a river with no way of getting across to
the other side.  On L's side of the river, there is a boatman (B) who is
able to take her over to the other side of the river but refuses to do so
unless she pays him a price of $20, twice his normal fare.

L has no money.  Another man (S) then tells L that he will giver her
$20 if she sleeps with him.  L agrees to do so and on receiving the $20,
pays B who takes her over to the other side of the river.  She is
reunited with M and they are very happy together.

However, a friend of M (F) finds out what L did with S and
immediately tells M.  On learning the news, M finds L and ends things with her,
stating that he wants nothing more to do with her.  Your task is to
rank these five people, M, L, B, S, and F, from best to worst.  i.e. best
person to worst person.

   1)
   2)
   3)
   4)
   5)

  Don't read any further until you've finished the 1-5.  If you do,
  you'll miss the whole point.  When you do finish, scroll down and read on.

  The order which you've ranked the five people is supposed to
  represent the importance that you place on different things in your life.  1 being
  the most important, and 5 being the least.

  The letters stand for:

   M-morality
   S-sex
   L-love
   B-business
   F-friends

I thought the dentist was the only on who said candy was bad for you.
Check this out:

The Candy Wrap:(Warning Adult Material. May not be suitable for
hardworking
Dilberts) 
	It was another Payday, and I was tired of being a Mr.Goodbar. So
I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark
and Fifth Avenue, and I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "Hey
Sweetart, how'd you like to Krunch on my Big Hunk for a Hundred Thousand
Dollar Bar?" Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and,
Uno, it was like pure Almond Joy.  I couldn't help but grab her delicious
Mounds 'cause it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots.
It was all I could do to hold back a Snicker and a Krackle as my
Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream
"Oh Henry, Oh Henry!" Soon she was fondling my Peter Paul and Zagnuts and
I knew it wouldn't be long before I blew my Milkduds clear to Mars and
gave her a taste of the old Milky Way. She asked if I was into M&M, but I
said "Hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff". I said "Look you little Reeces
Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver.  Why don't you just take my
Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit O'Honey?" (and what a piece of
Juicyfruit she was too). She screamed, "Oh, Crackerjack, you're better
than the Three Musketeers!" as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road
and into her Peanut Butter Cup. Well, I was givin' it to her Good 'n'
Plenty, when all of a sudden... my Starburst.  As luck would have it, she
started to grow a bit Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach.
Sure enough, nine months later, out popped a Baby Ruth.

Vomit vs. Dorm Food
20 Reasons Why Vomit is Better Than Dorm Food

 1. After you vomit, you feel better.
 2. You can vomit whenever you want.
 3. When you vomit, you don't have to wait in line.
 4. Vomit is always warm.
 5. You don't have to sneak vomit out of the cafeteria.
 6. When you're vomiting, a bent spoon is an advantage.
 7. You can lose weight vomiting.
 8. You don't have to pay to vomit.
 9. Vomit is SUPPOSED to look like that.
10. When you vomit, you don't have to come back for seconds.
11. You don't have to vomit everyday.
 12. Vomiting can never cause you to eat dorm food afterward.
 13. You can vomit without a photo ID.
 14. Vomit is organic and biodegradable.
15. They don't ration vomit.
 16. After you vomit, at least you know what you've eaten.
 17. Plastic vomit is funny; plastic dorm food is redundant.
 18. You don't have to vomit the same thing five days in a row.
 19. A dog will eat vomit.
 20. After you vomit, at least there's some taste in your mouth

 ==================== # 10
There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one
to marry.  So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them
spends it. The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the
money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and
tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because
I love you so much." The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a
CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man.  She says,
"I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."
The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her
investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest.  She
says, "I am  investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you
so much." The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent
the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.

 ==================== # 9
 A group of young businessmen were chatting at the bar, and decides to
share his recent embarrassment with the others.  He tells them that he
was booking a plane ticket to Pittsburgh, but he was so preoccupied with the
beautiful breasts of the girl to the counter, that instead of saying "I'd
like a ticket to Pittsburgh", he said,  "I'd like a picket to Titsburg!"!
An older guy nearby hears the story and says, "You know, I had a similar
experience with my wife this morning.  We were sitting at the breakfast
table. and I meant to say, "Darling, could you please pass the butter"
...
but what came out was, "You bitch, you're ruining my fucking life!"

==================== # 8
 A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the
bartender inquires."I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young
man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first
blowjob."
"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." "No offense,
sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

 =====================  # 7
 A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to
an absolutely gorgeous woman.. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she
is reading a manual about sexual statistics.  He asks her about it and
she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It
identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and
Polish men have the biggest average diameter.  By the way, my name is Jill. 
What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

=====================  # 6
 One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his
wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.  The wife turns over and says
"I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want
to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A 
few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time
he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

 ===================== # 5
 Bill worked in a pickle factory.  He had been employed there for a
number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a
terrible compulsion.  He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle
slicer.  His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk
about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed.  He vowed to
overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came
home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was
seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I
told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle
slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't."  "Yes, I did."  "My God, Bill, what
happened?"  "I got fired."  "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the
pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too."

===================== # 4
 A man is visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for
several years.  On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead
of just talking to her.  On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out
and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should
try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man
goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from his wife.  He
rushes out and tells the doctor.  The doctor says this is amazing and is
a real break through.  The doctor then suggests the man should go in and
try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he
doesn't want the man to be embarrassed.  The man goes in then comes out
about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife
is dead.  The doctor asks what happen to which the man replies "She choked."

 ===================== # 3
 A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the
alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make
you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside.
Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth
and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this
spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The
man stood up on thebar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in
the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd
gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator
hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed
his genitals - unscathed as promised.  The crowd cheered and the first of his
free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer.
"I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try".  A hush fell over
the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman
timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the
head with the beer bottle".

===================== # 2
 A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a
huge black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks down upon the
small white guy and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound
left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown" The small white guy faints!!
The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to,
slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy "What's wrong?".
The small white guy says; "Excuse me but what did you say?". The big black
dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left
ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown" The small white guy
says "Thank god, I thought you said"Turn around".

===================== # 1
 What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on their wedding night ?
"Now I know why you named your company Microsoft !"


Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day.
Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell
the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've
been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible
deaths.  So what's your story?"

 So the first man replies: 

	"Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on
me, so today I came home early and try to catch her red-handed.  As I
came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but
all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have
been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there
was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground!  By now I
was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't
you know it, he wouldn't fall off.  So finally I went back into my
apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers.  Of
course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but
even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay.  I
couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge
and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly.
 But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and
died there on the balcony." "That sounds like a pretty bad day to me,"
said Peter, and let the man in. 

	The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about
heaven being full, and again asks for his story. 
	"It's been a very strange day.  You see, I live on the 26th floor
of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my
balcony.  Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I
fell over the edge.  But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the
balcony on the floor below me.  I knew I couldn't hang on for very long,
when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony.  I thought for sure I
was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me.  I held on the
best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and
started pounding on my hands.  Finally I just let go, but again I got
lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I
was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out
of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

	Once again, Peter had to concede that sounded like a pretty
horrible death. The third man came to the front of the line, and again
the whole process was repeated.  Peter explained that heaven was full and
asked for his story. 
	"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside
a refrigerator..." 


     Male Stages of Life
     ===================

     AGE        DRINK
     17         beer
     25         beer
     35         vodka
     48         double vodka
     66         Maalox

     SEDUCTION LINE
     17         My parents are away for the weekend.
     25         My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
     35         My fiancee is away for the weekend.
     48         My wife is away for the weekend.
     66         My second wife is dead.

     FAVORITE SPORT
     17         sex
     25         sex
     35         sex
     48         sex
     66         napping

     DRUG
     17         pot
     25         coke
     35         really good coke
     48         power
     66         coke, a limousine, the company jet


     DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
     17         "tongue"
     25         "breakfast"
     35         "She didn't set back my therapy."
     48         "I didn't have to meet her kids."
     66         "Got home alive."

     FAVORITE FANTASY
     17         getting to third
     25         airplane sex
     35         menage a trois
     48         taking the company public
     66         Swiss maid/Nazi love slave

     HOUSE PET
     17         roaches
     25         stoned-out college roommate
     35         Irish setter
     48         children from his first marriage
     66         Barbi

     WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
     17         25
     25         35
     35         48
     48         66
     66         17

     IDEAL DATE
     17         Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
     25         "Split the check before we go back to my place"
     35         "Just come over."
     48         "Just come over and cook."
     66          sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.


 ---------------------------------------------------------------------

     THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE


     AGE        DRINK
     17         Wine Coolers
     25         White wine
     35         Red wine
     48         Dom Perignon
     66         Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

     EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
     17         Need to wash my hair
     25         Need to wash and condition my hair
     35         Need to color my hair
     48         Need to have Francois color my hair
     66         Need to have Francois color my wig

     FAVORITE SPORT
     17         shopping
     25         shopping
     35         shopping
     48         shopping
     66         shopping


     DRUG
     17         shopping
     25         shopping
     35         shopping
     48         shopping
     66         shopping

     DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
     17         "Burger King"
     25         "Free meal"
     35         "A diamond"
     48         "A bigger diamond"
     66         "Home Alone"

     FAVORITE FANTASY
     17         tall, dark and handsome
     25         tall, dark and handsome with money
     35         tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
     48         a man with hair
     66         a man

     HOUSE PET
     17         Muffy the cat
     25         Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
     35         Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
     48         Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
     66        Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muffy the
               Cat

     WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
     17         17
     25         25
     35         35
     48         48
     66         66

     IDEAL DATE
     17         He offers to pay
     25         He pays
     35         He cooks breakfast the next morning
     48         He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
     66         He can chew breakfast


Ho Ho, Mat



	I'VE ONLY SENT THESE TO GUYS SO I THINK ONLY GUYS SHOULD READ
| THEM..........
| ---------------------
| 
| 
| What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
|   45 lbs.
| 
| What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
|   45 minutes
| 
| One sperm says to the other, "How far is it to the ovaries?"
|   The other one says, "Relax.  We just passed the tonsils."
| 
| What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
|   Sexual harassment.
| What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
|   $3.99 a minute.
| 
| What is the definition of "making love"?
|   Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.
| 
| How are women and rocks alike?
|   You skip the flat ones.
| 
| Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
|   It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.
| 
| What's the difference between Pee-wee Herman and O.J.?
|   It only took 12 jerks to get O.J. off.
| 
| How do we know God is a man?
|   Because if God were a woman, sperm would taste like chocolate.
| 
| What would you call a lesbian with thick fingers?
|   Well-hung.
| 
| What's another term for lesbian?
|   "Vagitarian."
| 
| Charlie marries a virgin, and it's their wedding night.  He's on 
| fire.  He gets naked, jumps into bed, and then starts groping her as  
| soon as she climbs in.
|    She says, "Charles, I expect you to be as mannerly in bed as you 
| are at the dinner table."
|    He sits up, folds his hands on his lap, and says, "Is that 
| better?"
|    She says, "Much better."
|    He says, "Okay.  Now will you please pass the pussy."
| 
| Why did cavemen pull their women around by the hair?
|   Because if they pulled them around by their feet, they'd fill up 
|   with mud.
| 
| If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
|   The swallow.
| 
| What happened to the Polish rocket ship?
|   At 500 feet it ran out of coal.
| 
| What's the smartest thing that ever came out of a woman's mouth?
|   Einstein's penis.
| 
| What does a Polish woman do after she sucks cock?
|   Spits out the feathers.
| 
| What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?  Humpme Dumpme.
| 

Subject:  EuroEnglish

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been
reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European
communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As
part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English
spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year
phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly,
sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will
be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but
typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik emthusiasm in the sekond year, when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like
"fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted
to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have
always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the
horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would
go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing
"th" by "z" and "w" by "v".

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining
"ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of
leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no
mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech
ozer.

Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

A man goes to the doctor and says "Doctor, I think my wife's been dead for two weeks."
"Dead for two weeks, how did you work that out?"
"Well, the sex is the same but the washing is starting to build up!"


Before his visit to Sarajevo the Pope sends, Jesus Christ, to the city to make sure it 
is safe for him to visit. As Jesus Christ is wondering through the streets of the city, 
he stumble upon a local drug addict. He approaches him and says "What're you doing 
there?" To which a man replies "Just getting ready to smoke some grass!" "Would you 
like some, it's home grown but its fucking excellent ?" So, Jesus Christ agrees and 
they both start to smoke. When they had finished smoking, Jesus says to the man "Do you 
know who I am?" and the man replies "No, I don't!" "I am Jesus Christ, says the Jesus!" 
To which the man replies "SEE, I TOLD YOU THAT GRASS WAS FUCKING EXCELLENT!" 


There was a policeman on the beat one night a few minutes before midnight. He's walking 
along and sees a car in the middle of a car park with two people sitting in it, one in 
the front and one in the back. He goes to the window and sees a man in the front reading 
a newspaper and a woman in the back knitting. The man in the front winds down the window 
and the policeman says, "Excuse me, what are you doing?" The man in the front replies 
"Well what does it look like, I'm reading the newspaper." The policeman then asks, "What 
is she doing then?" The man replies "Well she's knitting isn't she." The policeman then 
asks "How old are you sir?" The man in the front replies "I'm 21." "How old is she then?" 
asked the policeman. "She'll be 16 in 7 minutes"


A women goes to see her dead husband who has just been fitted out into his coffin ready 
for his funeral. She goes in with the director and is presented with her husband. "He 
looks ten years younger, you've done a very good job," she says "Just one thing, I 
married him in a black suit, would it be possible for you to change the blue suit he has 
on now to a black suit? It would make a such big difference to me." "I should think so." 
says the funeral director, "Come back tomorrow and we'll see." So the next day the women 
goes to the parlour and is taken again into the room where husband is lying in his coffin. 
This time wearing a beautiful crisp black dinner suit. "Oh, thats perfect, thank you. How 
on Earth did you change the suit so quickly?" "Oh, it was nothing," replied the director 
"Just after you'd left yesterday another widow came to see her husband who was wearing a 
black suit. I managed to pursued her that he would look so much beter if he were in a 
blue suit like your husbands, so I switched the heads."



A man is touring a hospital with his doctor when he sees a man lying in a 
room masterbating.  The man askes the doctor, "What's wrong with that guy?"  
The doctor replies, "He has a rare disease.  If he doesn't ejaculate at 
least 20 times everyday, he'll die!"

Further down the hall the man sees a man in another room and a gorgeous, 
sexy nurse is giving him a blow-job.  The man asks the doctor, "What's 
wrong with him???"  The doctor replies, "Same disease...better health 
insurance!"





Q:  Why do dogs lick their balls?
A:  Because they can't make a fist!

Guide To Political Philosophy


SOCIALISM - YOU HAVE TWO COWS, YOU GIVE ONE TO YOUR NEIGHBOR.

COMMUNISM - YOU HAVE TWO COWS, THE GOVERNMENT TAKES ONE AND GIVES YOU THE MILK.

FASCISM - YOU HAVE TWO COWS, THE GOVERNMENT TAKES BOTH OF THEM AND SELLS YOU THE MILK.

NAZISM - YOU HAVE TWO COWS, THE GOVERNMENT TAKES BOTH OF THEM AND SHOOTS YOU.

CAPITALISM - YOU HAVE TWO COWS, YOU SELL ONE AND BUY A BULL.

IN ISRAEL - YOU HAVE TWO COWS, THE BANK TAKES BOTH OF THEM SHOOTS ONE,MILKS ONE,
THROW AWAY THE MILK AND YOU SHOT YOURSELF.




The Top 10 Reasons Trick-or-Treating is Better than Sex:


10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.

6. Its OK when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you ARE 
someone else.

5. 40 years from now, you'll still enjoy candy.

4. If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door.

3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2. Less guilt the next morning.

AND....

1. IF YOU DON'T GET WHAT YOU WANT, YOU CAN ALWAYS GO NEXT DOOR!



Do's and Don'ts for Superheros


Rules for Choosing a superhero name

* Don't call yourself by your real name, e.g.



Mr Fred Pinchuck
The Amazing Stevie Foster



* Don't call yourself by someone else's real name, e.g.



Mr Teddy Kennedy
Captain Dean Martin



* Choose a name that suggests power, heroism and prowess, e.g.



Captain Power
Thunderman
Mr. Invincible
Justiceman



* Don't be too modest, e.g.



Mr.So-F***ing-Powerful-Don't-Even-Think-About-It-Buddy



* But don't labour the point eg,



Mr Pretty Good
Captain So-So
Fairly Incredible Man



* Don't choose a name detrimental to your crimefighting image, e.g.



Captain Spongecake
Mr Asshole
Yellow Streak
Purple Helmet
Captain Evil



* Don't choose the name of an existing superhero unless you have lots of money and 
enjoy fighting litigation instead of supervillains.

* It's no use calling yourself Captain Invincible if your only power is control over 
Hostess Twinkies and you suffer from a congenital hole-in-the-heart condition. It's 
just asking for trouble.

* Don't call yourself The Invisible Boy...if you're not.

* Don't call yourself the Invisible Boy...if you're a girl.

* Don't call yourself the Invisible Lady...if you're a man--even if you do feel like a 
woman trapped in a man's body

* Don't give away any important information in your name e.g.



The Glass Jaw
Captian Vulnerable to Strontium 90.



* Don't call yourself The Green Avenger if you wear an orange costume, you'll confuse people

 

Good and Bad Things To Keep In Your Crimecave

Good: Presidential Hotline
Bad: Mickey Mouse or Garfield phone

Good: Detailed map of the city
Bad: Color poster of New Kids On the Block

Good: Crime library
Bad: Stash of stroke mags

Good: Your Crimemobile on a turntable
Bad: Skateboard and ramp

Good: Sickbay and Auto-Medic Center
Bad: Tin of Band-Aids

Good: Spare costumes
Bad: Basques and peep-hole bras for the rubber women

Good: Computerized intruder detection system linked to multiplex alarm
Bad: Piece of cotton stretched across door tied to a small bell

Good: Forensic analysis laboratory
Bad: Whiskey still

Good: City in a bottle, shrunk by your arch enemy
Bad: Jar of candy

Good: Teleportation tube
Bad: Bus timetable

Good: Scale model of the galaxy showing life-sustaining planets
Bad: Model railroad layout

Good: Trophy room to display crimefighting and bodybuilding awards
Bad: Trophy room to display bowling awards

Good: Computerized crime files on diskettes
Bad: Collection of Anthrax CD's

Good: Secret emergency exit
Bad: Cat flap

Good: Weapon calibration tester
Bad: Pinball machine

Good: Gymnasium and fitness center
Bad: Fridge full of TV dinners, cold pizza and ice cream

Good: Mainframe crime computer
Bad: Nintendo entertainment system

Good: Hi-octane jet fuel storage for Crimemobile
Bad: Minibar stocked with beer

Good: Self-contained power generating system
Bad: Electricity meter and piles of loose change

Good: Combat simulation area
Bad: Trivial Pursuit set

 

Sidekicks

 

Advantages of a Boy Wonder



•They can watch your back in the thick of a fight. •They can carry your accessory belt 
if you're feeling lazy •They make you look taller and hunkier by comparison. •They're 
small and supple enough to wriggle out of their bonds and free you from Puffinmaster's 
diabolical death trap--just in time! •They're just about the right height for headbutting 
or biting a super villain in the nuts--which makes them a force to be feared in the 
criminal underworld! •They're someone you can explain the plot to for the benefit of 
particularly slow readers. •They can give your comic a vital sales boost--simply by 
getting themselves killed •When they die, you have an excuse to go on a protracted 
frenzied rampage of violent revenge--and keep those sales figures high! 



Disadvantages of a Boy Wonder



•They'd much rather stay in and play Nintendo than go out on patrol •They get shy and 
awkward when confronted by a female supervillain •They pick their noses when you're 
with the Police Commissioner •They want to wear a Walkman into combat •People talk... 
•A 13-year-old boy is no match for a 210-lb criminal sociopathwith a death-ray glare 
•They go into a sulk if you won't play a twelve-day game of Dungeons & Dragons with them 
•They embarrass you by whistling at girls out of the Crimemobile •They never tidy up 
after themselves in the Crimecave, so the whole place quickly gets littered with dirty 
t-shirts, comics, skateboards, dirty plates, CDs out of their cases, stroke mags, tubes 
of acne cream, and crumpled tissues •They can easily be taunted by supervillains into 
bursting into tears and running off--simply by pointing and shouting, "Virgin, Virgin! 
Look everybody there's a virgin Boy Wonder over here!" •They'll quite happily play 
stickball in the midst of $20 million worth of delicate criminology lab equipment. 
•They get carsick in the Crimemobile •In the midst of battle, it's futile to yell, 
"Battle maneuver 18, chum!" -- because chances are they can't count up that high 
•They call you things like 'The Big Enchillada' or 'Super-Dude' •They think your bald 
spot is hilarious •They make you feel very old •They talk crap 



Advantages of a Girl Wonder



•They look much better than a Boy Wonder •People don't automatically assume that you're, 
you know, that way... •Overall, they're much more intelligent and mature than boys of the 
same age •People think you must be OK to be seen in the company of such a hot babe 
•You might get lucky •Supervillains get dead jealous of you 



Disadvantages of a Girl Wonder



•They're always holding slumber parties in the Crimecave •They insist on having at least 
a dozen different costumes to wear •They won't fight crime if Pearl Jam is on MTV •They 
won't fight crime if they're waiting for a phonecall •Other superheroes will try to steal 
her away from you •They jam up the Emergency Crime Hotline with calls to Tammi, Samantha, 
Jo-Jo, Mindy, Mandi, Shelley, Bernice, Pam, Tina, Linda, Sandy, Crissy, the Berkowitz 
Twins.... •If you receive an emergency call at 2am and their hair's in curlers - forget 
it! •They're no use for fighting Tarantula Man or Rat Master •Their approach to fighting 
supervillains tends to be strictly limited to pulling his hair, slapping his face or 
hitting him with a shoe •They get crushes on your arch enemy because "He's like so totally 
dark an' mysterious an' mean an' moody but that's only 'cause someone musta rilly hurt him 
bad one time. I can tell.. Etc. etc. etc." •They won't watch your back in combat if you 
failed to notice their new hair style •They get upset if you and your arch enemy start 
shouting at each other during battle 



Good Things to Put Down Your Tights Before Battle



•Titanium steel plating •Electronic groinal defense shield •Socks (they sexually 
intimidate insecure supervillains) •Acid-resistant gonad shroud •Asbestos fire-blanket 
•Electromagnetic scrotal forcefield generator •Love Blob auto-security screen •All of 
the above, simultaneously 



Bad Things to Put Down Your Tights Before Battle



•Glass jockstrap •Epileptic lobsters •Bear trap with a dodgy spring •Napalm •5 lbs. of 
wriggling cockroaches (unless it intimidates supervillains) •4 gallons of quick-drying 
cement •Your barbed-wire collection •Your stuffed porcupine lucky mascot •A piece of 
modern sculpture consisting entirely of razor blades 



Supervillains You Want to Tackle



•Fishpaste Sandwich Maker •Baron Scaredy-Cat •The Crochet Master •Mr. White Knuckles 
•Nosebleed Boy •Dr. Scared Shitless •Bondage Damsel •Sissy Man 



Supervillains to Avoid



•Emitorr, the Nuclear Radiation Man •Thargorr the Planet Crusher •Dr. Slaughterhouse 
•Garth, the Gonad Detonator Supreme •Dr. Disemboweller •The Slasher From Beyond the Stars 
•Krisparr the Incinerator •Sun-Up, the Solar Sodomizer 
•Mr. Rip-Your-Nuts-Off-And-Eat-Them-In-Front-Of-You 


One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 
bicycle for his birthday. Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage 
on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas." Christmas 
came around, and Johnny asked again.The father said, "Well, the mortgage is still 
extremely high, sorry about that. Ask me again some other time." Well, about 2 days 
later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. 
The father felt sorry for him, and asked him why he was leaving. The boy said, 
"Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were pulling 
out, and mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and DAMN if 
I'll get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!"




Standardized Guide to the Bases


Do you remember middle school/junior high/high school? If so, do you remember talking 
about 'the bases' with your friends? "Yeah man, at the dance, X and Y went behind the 
gym and they got to second base!"

Well that was cool and all, but what the hell was second base ? Tongue kissing? Up the 
shirt? No one was really sure. Also, the bases tended to get progressively more intense 
as you got older. What's a person to do? Here, we mourn the passing of using baseball 
ananlogies to describe sexual activity. But let's face it, there are more than four 
stages in today''s day and age of sex play. So, in the interests of both bringing 
baseball sex metaphors in line with the complications of modern romance and with 
standardizing the bases, we present the Standardized Guide to the Bases.

First, let's examine what the bases could have meant in the old days.

-- First Base- This was almost always kissing, although one guy I knew thought it meant 
holding hands. Sometimes it was tongue kissing and sometimes not.

--Second Base- Variously this meant tongue kissing, breast feeling , or outside the 
clothes genital contact.

--Third Base- Usually this was a hand down the pants of you or your partner.

--Home Run- This was ALWAYS sex, although it was rarely reached in the times when you 
had to refer to it in terms of bases.

Well that system is ok, if you are a young teenagerwith a repressed sex drive. But what 
happens when you reach maturity andnew factors enter the equation, such as oral sex? And 
what about the exact definitions?

WELL we have attempted to answer such puzzling questions and present without further ado...

Standardized Guide to the Bases!


--On Deck- Having plans for a date

--Strike-Out- Duh!!

--Walk- Kissing

--Bunt- Masturbation

--Single- Tongue kissing

--Double- Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of grabbing and feels

--Triple- Most of the clothes off, genital contact, mutual masturbation

--Inside the park home run- Oral Sex

--Home Run- SEX!

--Ground Rule Double- would have sex, but no condom

--Error- Condom breaks during sex

--Banned for life for gambling- sex without condom

--Hall of Fame- Marriage

Now that we've got the basics, let's introduce some terms to better explain all the 
things that can happen now a days.

--Balk- Premature ejaculation

--Pine Tar- KY jelly

--Relief pitcher- Vibrator

--Rain Delay- parents/roommate return home unexpectedly

--Box Seats- Waterbed

--Seventh Inning Stretch- Unusual positions

--Rookie- Virgin

--Minor Leagues- Under 18

--Loaded Bases- manage a trois

--Grand Slam- Sex three times in twelve hours

--Foul tip- VD

--Three up and three down- impotency

Now that we have the definitions, lets quickly contrast the old confusion with current 
clarity.

OLD WAY- we um got to third base i guess and then we um got like past third base, but 
not to home plate. i really like her.

NEW WAY- first, there was a triple, then we got and inside the park home run, and started 
thinking, it's hall of fame time.

NEW WAY- So there i was with the bases loaded and nobody out , when i balked during the 
seventh inning stretch and i had to call in a relief pitcher.

Well, there you have it, i hope it has cleared up alot of the confusion and helps you out...






St. Agnes convent was in the middle of a remodeling effort. Three of the nunns, Sister 
Mary, Sister Louise, and Sister Magdeline, were put in charge of painting. One 
particularly hot afternoon, while painting, Sister Mary commented that the heat was 
intolerable since the air conditioning broke down. Sister Louise suggested that they 
all take off their habits since no one was around. Sister Magdeline and Sister Mary were 
hesitant to paint in the nude, but agreed since it was so hot. Soon after, a knock came 
at the door. Sister Mary called out "who's there". "It's the blind man" came the reply. 
Sister Magdeline and Sister Louise were frantic, but Sister Mary assured them that since 
the visitor was blind, he would never even know that they were nude. Sister Mary opened 
the door, the visitor stepped in, and asked "Which room do you want me to install these 
mini blinds in?"

A priest, who wanted to raise money for his church, was told there was a fortune in horse 
racing, and so he decided to buy a horse and enter it in some races. However, at the local 
auction, the going price for horses was so steep that he decided to buy a donkey instead. 
Although he had some doubts, the priest figured that he might as well enter the animal in 
a race just to see how it would do. To his surprise the donkey came in second.

The next day the headlines read: PRIEST'S ASS SHOWS

The priest was so pleased that he entered the animal in another race, and this time it won.

The headline read: PRIEST'S ASS OUT IN FRONT

The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the priest not to enter 
the donkey in another race.

The new headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS

This was too much for the bishop, and he ordered the priest to get rid of the animal. The 
priest gave the donkey to a nun in a nearby convent.

The next day the headline read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The bishop fainted. He told the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey. After 
several days, the nun finally sold the beast to a local farmer for $10.

The headline read: NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS

They buried the bishop the next day.


There was this blind guy waiting at the bus stop when a dog came along, sniffed his leg 
and peed all over it. The blind guy pulled out a piece of candy and put it down to the 
dog. A passer-by saw the spectacle and promptly went over to the blind man. "What are you 
doing," the stranger asked, "You're not going to give that doga piece of candy for peeing 
on you, are you?" "No man," said the blind guy, " I want to know which end is his head so 
I can kick it in the ass."




An elderly woman comes home and finds her daughter in bed with a vibrator. She screems at 
her "What are you doing???" The daughter says, "Mom, I'm 40 yrs old, I'm not married and 
I don't have a date. Its the nineties, give me a break!!" The mother shakes her head and 
leaves. The next day the father walks in on the daughter and finds the samething.....he 
screams "What's going on here???" The daughter explains the same situation to him....he 
shakes his head and leaves . That night the mother comes into the kitchen and finds the 
father sitting at the table, a beer in one hand and the vibrator in the other. She says 
" What on earth are you doing with that??" The father sits back and replies..." Hey, leave 
me alone, can't a guy have a beer with his son-in law?"


SON: "Dad, I have to do a special report at school. Can I ask you a question?"

DAD: "Sure son, what's the question?"

SON: "What is POLITICS?"

DAD: "Well, lets take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me 
MANAGEMENT. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her GOVERNMENT. 
We take care of you and your needs, so let's call you the PEOPLE. We'll call the maid the 
WORKING CLASS and your baby brother the FUTURE. Do you understand?"

SON:"I'm not really sure Dad, I'll have to think about it.

That night the boy was awakened by his baby brother's crying so the boy went to see what 
was wrong. Discovering the baby seriously soiled his diaper, the son went to his parent's 
room and found mother sound asleep. He then went to the maid's room, where peeking through 
the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally 
unheard by his father and maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.

--- The next morning ---

SON: "Dad, now I think I understand POLITICS.

DAD: "That's great son, explain it to me in your own words."

SON: "Well Dad, while MANAGEMENT is screwing the WORKING CLASS, the GOVERNMENT is fast 
asleep. The PEOPLE are being completely ignored, and the FUTURE is full of shit.



I was driving home yesterday and going 20 above the speed limit. Sure enough, there was a 
police car with its red lights on behind me soon enough. I had some liquid courage in me 
so me thinks: "I can outrun this guy," and floor it. Going 70, 80, 90, 100 miles an hour. 
Finally, as the speedometer passes 110, I figured "what the heck," give up and pull over 
to the curb. The police officer gets out of his cruiser, approaches the car, leans down 
and says "listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me 
a good excuse and I'll let you go. But it better be good, you were going well over 100." 
I though for a moment and than said: "Officer, three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a 
police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were that 
guy and you were trying to catch up with me to give her back!"



The Male Guide to Selecting an Outfit





 ----------      -----------             -------------------      -------
| Are there| No | Are there | "What's a | Are there clothes | No | Buy   |
|clothes in|--->|clothes in |  hamper?" | strewn in random  |--->| more  |
| dresser? |    |the hamper?|---------->|piles on the floor?|    |clothes|
 ----------      -----------             -------------------      -------
     | Yes             | Yes                      | Yes
     +---------------------------------------------
     |
     V
 ---------------
| Take whatever |
|   is on top   |
 ---------------           ------------------------
     |                    |                        |
     V                    V                        |
 --------  No         ---------               -----------
|   Is   |---------->| Perform | "Ohmigosh"  |  Spray    |
|   it   | Not sure  |  smell  |------------>|   with    |
| clean? |---------->|  test   |             | deodorant |
 --------             ---------               -----------
     | Yes                | "Not bad"
     +--------------------
     |
     V
 --------------                    ---------               -------------
|For underwear:| "Which ones are  |Will they| "I may get  |Place item on|
|Are there many|   for my legs?"  |   be    |  arrested." | dirty pile; |
|    holes?    |----------------->| visible?|------------>| start over  |
 --------------                    ---------               -------------
     | No                              | No
     +---------------------------------
     |
     V
 ---------        ------------        -----------------------------------
|  Is it  | Yes  |   Do you   | Yes  |But would you rather have a tick on|
|wrinkled?|----->|really care?|----->|  your eyeball than iron a shirt?  |
 ---------        ------------        -----------------------------------
     | No              | No                           | Yes
     +------------------------------------------------
     |
     V
 --------  Kinda             -------       ---------
|  Does  |----------------->| Is it | No  | Seek the|
|   it   | "Does it _what_?"|  dark |---->|advice of|
| match? |----------------->|  out? |     | a female|
 --------                    -------       ---------
     | Yes                      | Yes
     +--------------------------
     |
     V
 ----------
|  Put on  |
| clothes! |
 ----------



A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. 
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, 
she would like to go out and have sex for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but 
he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. 
The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to 
know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms 
he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family 
pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, 
the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm 
so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the 
dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and 
bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 
Ten minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his 
head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea 
you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was 
a pharmacist."



Actual Bumper Stickers


 

"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."

"I love cats...they taste just like chicken"

"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."

"Cover me. I'm changing lanes."

"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools"

"Happiness is a belt-fed weapon"

"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."

"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep"

"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather.... ...Not screaming and yelling like the 
passengers in his car."

"Montana --- At least our cows are sane!"

"Jesus died for my sins and all I got was this lousy t-shirt"

"The gene pool could use a little chlorine."

"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a >vegetarian."

"Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!"

"It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."

"When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS."

"Friends don't let Friends drive Naked."

"Wink, I'll do the rest!"

"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."

"When there's a will, I want to be in it!"

"Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?"

"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"

"Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!"

"It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."

"Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!"

"Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!"

"Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."

"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."

"We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse."

"Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."

"He who laughs last thinks slowest"

"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."

"Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

"Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy."

"Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."

"i souport publik edekasion"

"The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette."

"We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated."

"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."

"3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."

"Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"

"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"

"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock."

"I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles."

"I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die."

"Sex on television can't hurt you... unless you fall off."



45 Fun Elevator Activities


1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.

2. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of 
you just shut UP!"

3. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

4. Sell Girl Scout cookies.

5. On a long ride, sway side-to-side at the natural frequency of the elevator.

6. Shave.

7.Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in 
there?"

8. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside down.

9. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

10. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act 
embarrassed when they open by themselves.

11. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you 
Admiral.

12. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear 
the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

13. Do Tai Chi exercises.

14. Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new 
socks on!"

15. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion 
sickness!"

16. Give religious tracts to each passenger.

17. Meow, occasionally.

18. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

19. Frown and mutter "Gotta go, gotta go!" then sigh and say "Oops!"

20. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

21. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.

22.Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.

23. Walk on with a cooler that says "Human Head" on the side.

24. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move 
to the far corner of the elevator.

25. Leave a box between the doors.

26. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.

27. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers, with it.

28. Start a sing-along.

29. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"

30. Play the harmonica.

31. Shadow box.

32. Say "Ding!" at each floor.

33. Lean against the button panel.

34. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.

35. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

36. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that 
this is your "personal space"

37. Bring a chair along.

38. Blow spit bubbles.

39. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.

40. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."

41. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

42. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

43. Wear X-Ray Specs and leer suggestively at other passengers.

44. Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting larger."

45. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"


 

The Last Things Any MAN Would Ever Say:

10) I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker.
9) While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
8) I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7) Her tits are just too big.
6) Sometimes I just want to be held.
5) That chick on Murder She Wrote gives me a woody.
4) Sure I'd love to wear a condom.
3) We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can hold your purse.
2) Fuck Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown.
1) I think we are lost, we better pull over ands ask for directions.

The Last Things Any WOMAN Would Ever Say:

10) Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends.
9) Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way.
8) I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7) Hey, get a whiff of that one.
6) Please don't throw that old T-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are just too cute.
5) This diamond is way too big!
4) I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
3) Wow, it really is 14 inches!
2) Does this make my butt look too small?
1) I'm wrong, you must be right again.



Three guys were walking their dogs when the first guy, an accountant, says that his dog 
can do an amazing trick. Intrigued, the other two guys asked what his dog can do. "Debit," 
he yells to his dog, "Go show them what you can do, girl!"

The dog races out into the field, scurring back and forth, then comes back and taps his 
paw 589 times. "Gentleman," the accountant says proudly, "There are 589 sticks in that 
field."

The second man, an engineer, is pretty impressed, but then he says his dog can do 
something even more impressive. "Slide Rule," he says to his dog, "Go show them what you 
can do, girl!" The dog races out into the field, picks up all the sticks and builds a 
bridge over a stream.

"Wow," says the third man, a marketing rep, "That was pretty cool. I guess I better show 
you what my dog can do. Expense Account," he says to his dog, "Go show them what you can 
do, boy!"

The dog streaks to the bridge, pisses on it, f@%ks the other two dogs in the ass, then 
spends the rest of the day playing golf.



Girlspeak To English Dictionary


 

She says                               English
---------                              -------
You want                               You want
We need                                I want
It's your decision                     The correct decision should be
                                              obvious by now
Do what you want                       You'll pay for this later
We need to talk                        I need to complain
Sure...go ahead                        I don't want you to.
I'm not upset                          Of course I'm upset, you moron.
You're...so manly                      You need a shave and you sweat
                                               a lot.
You're certainly attentive tonight.    Is sex all you ever think
                                               about?
I'm not emotional!  And I'm not        I'm on my period.
    overreacting!
Be romantic, turn out the lights.      I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient.       I want a new house.
I want new curtains                    and carpeting, furniture,
                                               wallpaper...
Hang the picture there                 No, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise                        I noticed you were almost
                                               asleep.
Do you love me?                        I'm going to ask for something
                                               expensive.
How much do you love me?               I did something today you're
                                               really not going to
                                               like..
I'll be ready in a minute.             Kick off your shoes and find a
                                               good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat?                        Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate.      Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!?              [Too late, your dead.]
Yes                                    No
No                                     No
Maybe                                  No
I'm sorry.                             You'll be sorry.
Do you like this recipe?               It's easy to fix, so you'd
                                          better get get used to it.AA
I'm not yelling!                       Yes I am yelling because I
                                          think this is important.

In answer to the question "What's wrong?"

The same old thing.                    Nothing.
Nothing.                               Everything.
Everything.                            My PMS is acting up.
Nothing, really.                       It's just that you're such an
                                              asshole.
I don't want to talk about it.         Go away, I'm still building up
                                       evidence against you.


Back To JOKE LIST


------------------------------------------------------------------------


The Five Maxims of Making Excuses


1) The feebleness or banality of an excuse should never be a deterrent to its use.

2) Always put the blame on something that can't defend itself. Children, pets, inanimate 
objects, and relatives living in foreign countries make perfect scapegoats.

3) Whine convincingly.

4) Certain ailments work better than others as excuses. No doctor or machine in the world 
can prove that you don't have that headache.

5) Try to remember that nature allotted each of us only _two_ grandmothers to attend 
funerals for.

 

And now, some excuses:

- I was going to mail it for your birthday, but then I couldn't find it, and by the time 
I found it, it was too late and I was embarrassed to send it to you.

- The baby threw up all over my dress, and we had to go home first to change.

- I'm taking care of a sick aunt...no, this is a different one.

- The car ran out of gas.

- Well, you never told me I couldn't do that.

- _He_ started it.

- I have jet lag.

- I'd really like to, but my gerbils are having babies tonight.

- I swallowed my gold crown this morning, and I have to wait here until it comes out the 
other end.

- I missed the bus.

- The alarm didn't go off.

- I couldn't find a parking space.

- The Devil made me do it.

- Drugs made me do it.

- Everybody else does it.

- That's not my department.

- Our computer's down.

- We must have misplaced your original request.

- It's on someone elses desk.

- Don't ask me - I just work here.


======================================================================

Actual radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations,

10-10-95.

======================================================================

#1: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

 

#2: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South to avoid a collision.

 

#1: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

 

#2: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

 

#1: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIPOF THE US NAVY. 
DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!

 

#2: This is a lighthouse. Your call.



Bicycles vs. (Wo)men


WHY BICYCLES ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN

* Bicycles don't get pregnant.

* You can ride your Bicycle any time of the month.

* Bicycles don't have parents.

* Bicycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.

* You can share your Bicycle with your friends.

* Bicycles don't care how many other Bicycles you've ridden.

* When riding, you and your Bicycle can arrive at the same time.

* Bicycles don't care how many other Bicycles you have.

* Bicycles don't care if you look at other Bicycles.

* Bicycles don't care if you buy Bicycle magazines.

* You'll never hear, "Surprise, you are going to own a new Bicycle" unless you go out 
to buy one yourself.

* If your Bicycle goes flat you can fix it.

* If your Bicycle is too loose you can tighten it.

* If your Bicycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics with it.

* You don't have to be jealous of the guy who works on your Bicycle.

* If you say bad things to your Bicycle, you don't have to apologize before you ride it 
again.

* You can ride your Bicycle as long as you want and it won't get sore.

* You can stop riding your Bicycle as soon as you want and it won't get frustrated.

* Your parents won't remain in touch with your old bicycle after you dump it.

* Bicycles don't get headaches.

* Bicycles don't insult you if you're a bad rider.

* Your Bicycle never wants a night out with the other Bicycles.

* Bicycles don't care if you're late.

* You don't have to take a shower before you ride your bicycle.

* If your Bicycle doesn't look good you can paint it or get better parts.

* You can ride your Bicycle the first time you meet it, without having to take it to dinner,
 see a movie, or meet its mother.

* The only protection you have to wear when riding your Bicycle is a decent helmet.

* When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great ride you had the last time you 
were on your Bicycle.

 

WHY BICYCLES ARE BETTER THAN MEN!

 

* Bicycles don't work late.

* Your Bicycle stays as clean as you want it to.

* Bicycles don't have parents or kids.

* Bicycles don't get sick.

* Bicycles don't get overweight, except as per your convenience.

* If your Bicycle goes flat, you can fix it.

* If your Bicycle is too loose, you can tighten it.

* You can check out the guy who works on your Bicycle.

* If you say bad things to your Bicycle, you don't have to apologize before you ride it 
again.

* Your Bicycle always has time for you.

* Bicycles don't complain and don't ride away from you when the road gets rough.

* Bicycles don't watch TV.

* Bicycles don't shave.

* Bicycles don't snore.

* Bicycles don't leave a mess in the kitchen or bathroom.

* Bicycles are better protection in a bad neighborhood.

* If you don't like the size of your bicycle you can get a new one.

* You can try out as many bikes as you like before you get your own.

* You don't have to feed your bicycle.

* Bicycles never argue, you are always right.

* Bicycles never wake you up in the middle of the night, for any reason.

* Bicycles never try to show you off to their friends.

* Bicycles don't come home drunk after a night out with its buddies.

* Bicycles don't sneak around with other bicycles.

* Bicycles don't care what you look like or what your age is.

* Bicycles don't care and don't comment about what you spend your money on.

* Bicycles don't care if you have to work late.

* When you go riding, your bicycle doesn't care if other bicycles are bigger or better.

* Bicycles don't care about their performance.

* Bicycles don't get you pregnant.

* Bicycles don't have mothers.

* When you've finished a ride, you can get off.

* You don't have to praise a bike after a ride.

* Bicycles don't sulk.

* Bicycles don't bore you.

* Bicycles don't abandon you at gatherings for more interesting riders.

* Bicycles don't have to prove anything.

* Bicycles don't try to change you once you've bought them.

* Bicycles don't get jealous of your male colleagues.

* Bicycles never interrogate you.

* Bicycles don't fart in bed [or elsewhere!].

* Bicycles don't leave smelly inner tubes lying around on the floor.

* Second hand bikes don't brag about previous owners.

* Second hand bikes don't go to see previous owners for a ride when you're out of town.

* You don't have to explain to a bike if you don't feel like a ride.

* Bicycles never put you down.

* Bicycles don't complain if you wear "sensible" clothes.

* Bicycles don't have egos.

* Bicycles don't refuse to ask for directions when they're lost.

* Bicycles don't need remote control units.




Signs You're Going to Have a Bad Day


 

You know it's going to be a bad day when . . .

. . . your twin sister forgets your birthday.

. . . you wake up face down on the pavement.

. . . you put your bra on backwards and it fits better.

. . . you call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.

. . . you see a "60 Minutes news team" waiting in your outer office.

. . . your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

. . . your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business.

. . . you want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party, and there aren't any.

. . . you turn on the TV news and they're displaying emergency routes out of your city.

. . . the woman you've been seeing on the side begins to look like your wife.

. . . you wake up to discover that your water bed broke and then you realize that you don't 
have a water bed.

. . . your horn goes off accidently and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's 
Angels on the freeway.

. . . you get a rejection notice from the HUMOR Listserver saying that you're no longer 
funny

. . . your doctor tells you, "Well, I have bad news and good news..."

. . . you open the paper and find your picture under a caption that reads: "WANTED: DEAD 
OR ALIVE!"

. . . your ex-lover calls and tells you he has 6 days to live, and that you'd better get 
the Test

. . . you wake up at work naked in front of your co-workers

. . . when someone accuses you of faking humor

. . . your lover tells you, "I'm sub-letting another apartment and the movers are here to 
move me."

. . . you have an appointment in 10 minutes and you just woke up

. . . you need your chocoholic fix and the government just banned chocolate!




LOGIC TO PONDER


If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?

If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box?

How did a fool and his money GET together?

If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon on the pan?

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

What's another word for thesaurus?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

What do they use to ship styrofoam?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?

Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Does 'virgin wool' come from sheep the shepherd hasn't caught yet?

When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?

Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics?

Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

"If it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet"

When a person finds no peace within,it is useless to seek it elsewhere.

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would 
happen?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the 
headlights?

You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if thepackage says, 
"Open somewhere else"?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you 
transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make 
the whole plane out of the same substance?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on 
the radio?





A police officer. who was "sitting" at a stop sign, watched a man roll through the 
intersection without stopping. He pulled the driver over and requested to see the driver's 
license and registration.

The driver asked, "But officer, why'd you stop me?"

"Didn't you see the stop sign back there?" the officer answered.

"You didn't come to a full stop."

"But I DID slow down," replied the driver.

"But you didn't STOP -- it's a stop sign," the officer insisted.

"But I DID slow down," the driver stubbornly argued.

"But it's not a 'slow down' sign ... it's a STOP sign," argued back the officer.

After going back and forth with this several times, the officer became agitated, grabbed 
the driver by the neck and dragged him out through the open window. He then began to kick 
him and beat him with his night stick.

After several kicks and whacks, and the driver's panic-stricken screaming, the officer 
politely asked, "So do you want me to stop, or do you want me to slow down?"


An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.  St. Peter checks 
  his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong
  place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.
       
  Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort
  in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.  After a  while,
  they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the
  engineer is a pretty popular guy.
      
  One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, 
  "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
       
  Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air  conditioning and
  flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is
  going to come up with next."
       
  God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer?  That's a mistake --he
  should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
       
  Satan says, "No way.  I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm
  keeping him."
       
  God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
       
  Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right.  And just where
  are YOU going to get a lawyer?


The World According to Student Bloopers

                            Richard Lederer
                            St Paul's School

  One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is
receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay.  I have
pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably
genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United
States, from eighth grade through college level.  Read carefully, and
you will learn a lot.

  The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies.  They lived in
the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot.  The climate in the Sarah is
such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of
the dessert are cultivated by irritation.  The Egyptians built the
pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube.  The pyramids are a
range of mountains between France and Spain.
        
  The Bible is full of interesting caricatures.  In the first book of
the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.  One
of their children, Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother's son?"  God asked
Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma.  Jacob, son of Isaac,
stole his brother's birth mark.  Jacob was a patriarch who brought up
his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it.  One of
Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

  Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw.  Moses
led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is
bread made without any ingredients.  Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount
Cyanide to get the ten commandments.  David was a Hebrew king skilled at
playing the liar.  He fought with the philatelists, a race of people who
lived in biblical times.  Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives
and 500 porcupines.

  Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history.  The Greeks invented
three kinds of columns-- Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic.  They also had
myths.  A myth is a female moth.  One myth says that the mother of
Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intollerable.
Achilles appears in The Iliad, by Homer.  Homer also wrote The Oddity,
in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his
journey.  Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of
that name.

  Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people
advice.  They killed him.  Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

  In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits,
and threw the java.  The reward to the victor was a coral wreath.  The
government of Athens was democratic because people took the law into
their own hands.  There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so
high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were
doing.  When they fought with the Persians, the Greeks were outnumbered
because the Persians had more men.

  Eventually the Ramons conquered the Geeks.  History calls people
Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.  At Roman
banquets, the guests wore garlics in their hair.  Julius Caesar
extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul.  The Ides of March
murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king.  Nero
was a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by playing the
fiddle to them.

  Then came the middle ages.  King Alfred conquered the Dames, King
Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustarded his troops
before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by Bernard
Shaw, and victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks.
Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged
twice for the same offense.

  In midevil times most of the people were alliterate.  The greatest
writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also
wrote literature.  Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow
through an apple while standing on his son's head.

  The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of
their human being.  Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at
Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences.  He died a horrible death,
being excommunicated by a bull.  It was the painter Donatello's interest
in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance.  It was
an age of great inventions and discoveries.  Gutenberg invented the
Bible.  Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented
cigarettes.  Another important invention was the circulation of blood.
Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

  The government of England was a limited mockery.  Henry VIII found
walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee.  Queen Elizabeth
was the "Virgin Queen".  As a queen she was a success.  When Elizabeth
exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted, "hurrah".  Then her
navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

  The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear.
Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his
plays.  He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies,
comedies, and errors.  In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet
rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy.  In
another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by
attacking his manhood.  Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic
couplet.  Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miguel Cervantes.
He wrote Donkey Hote.  The next great author was John Milton.  Milton
wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

  During the Renaissance America began.  Christopher Columbus was a
great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic.
His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.  Later, the
Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was known as Pilgrims Progress.
When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by the Indians, who
came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them.  The Indian
squabs carried porpoises on their back.  Many of the Indian heroes were
killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them.  The
winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers.  Many people died and
many babies were born.  Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

  One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks
in the tea.  Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the
post without stamps.  During the War, the Red Coats and Paul Revere was
throwing balls over stone walls.  The dogs were barking and the peacocks
crowing.  Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay
for taxis.

  Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented
Congress.  Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two
singers of the Declaration of Independence.  Franklin had gone to Boston
carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each
arm.  He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared, "A
horse divided against itself cannot stand".  Franklin died in 1790 and
is still dead.

  George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the
Father of our Country.  Then the Constitution of the United States was
adopted to secure domestic hostility.  Under the Constitution the people
enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

  Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest precedent.  Lincoln's mother
died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his
own hands.  When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat.
He said, "In onion there is strength".  Abraham Lincoln wrote the
Gettysburg Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the
back of an envelope.  He also freed the slaves by signing the
Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the
ex-Negroes citizenship.  But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch
the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims.  It claimed it represented
law and odor.  On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the
theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving
picture show.  The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a
supposingly insane actor.  This ruined Booth's career.

  Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time.  Voltare
invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.  Gravity was
invented by Isaac Walton.  It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn, when
the apples are falling off the trees.

  Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel.
Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English.  He was very
large.  Bach died from 1750 to the present.  Beethoven wrote music even
though he was deaf.  He was so deaf he wrote loud music.  He took long
walks in the forest, even when everyone was calling for him.  Beethoven
expired in 1827 and later died for this.

  France was in a very serious state.  The French Revolution was
accomplished before it happened.  The Marseillaise was the theme song of
the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon.  During the
Napoleonic wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their
shoes.  Then the Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at
Napoleon's flanks.  Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was
very tense and unrestrained.  He wanted an heir to inherit his power,
but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear children.

  The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is
in the East and the sun sets in the West.  Queen Victoria was the
longest queen.  She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and
finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality.
Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

  The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and
thoughts.  The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to
spring up.  Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the
work of a hundred men.  Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy.
Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis.  Charles Darwin was a
naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species.  Madman Curie discovered
radium.  And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

  The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a
surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.


A priest and nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. 
They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel.
The only hotel in the town has only one room available.
Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, 
if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the lounge and you have 
the bed.
Nun: I think that would be okay.
They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes 
later...
Nun: Father, I'm terribly cold.
Priest: Okay, I'll get you a blanket. (He does)
Ten minutes later...
Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold.
Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket. (He does)
Ten minutes later...
Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as 
man and wife just for this one night.
Priest: You're probably right...get up and get your own damn blanket. 

Dolly Parton & Princess Diana are strapped for cash and both go for a job interview at 
a Casino. They are waiting outside & the interviewer calls Dolly in, he shuts the door 
and asks, "How desperate are you for this job?", so Dolly takes off her top & shows the 
interviewer her tits, in amazement the intervewer says, "You've got the job". He sends 
her outside and calls Princess Diana in, he shuts the door & asks, "How desperate are 
you for this job?" So Princess Diana grabs the man's head and buries it deep up her skirt, 
gasping for breath the man says, "You've definately got the job". He calls Dolly back in 
and says, "Sorry Dolly but I have decided to give the job to Princess Diana". Dolly says, 
"But earlier you said I had got the job." "Yeah," says the man, "but don't you know the 
rules of the house?" "What rules?" replies Dolly. So the man says, "A ROYAL FLUSH ALWAYS 
BEATS A PAIR!!!!!"


Three generations of prostitute are living together - a grandmother, mother and a daughter.
One evening the daughter comes home from 'work' looking very unhappy and her mother asks her 
what the matter is, to which the daughter replies "I gave this customer a blow-job earlier 
and he only gave me £10 for it"
And the mother says, "£10, in my day we were grateful to get a fiver for a blow-job". The 
grandmother who has been listening to all this now pipes up "A fiver! In my day we were 
just glad to get something warm in our stomachs"


 WHEN SOMEONE SAYS:
   "You don't know Jack Schitt__"
   Now you'll know  the entire story!

   Jack Schitt is the only son of O. Schitt and Awe Schitt.  O.
Schitt, the fertilizer  magnate, married Awe Schitt, who later ran the Kneedeep
Inn-Schitt. Jack Schitt  eventually married Noe Schitt, and together they
produced six children.

   Holy Schitt, their first child, passed on shortly after  birth.

   Next came twin sons: Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, and the two daughters: Fulla Schitt
and Givva Schitt.  Their final child, another son, was named Bull Schitt. In the
mean time, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out.  Dip
Schitt married Lotta Schitt, and they have  a son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla
Schitt  and Givva Schitt married the Happens Brothers... The
Schitt-Happens children  are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt, and Horace
Schitt.   Bull Schitt married a spicy number, Pesa Schitt, and
they're awaiting the arrival of Baby Schitt.  So now that not only do
you know  Jack Schitt, but his  entire  family as  well!


SIGNS THAT YOU ARE TOO DRUNK:
  
  You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
  
  You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
  
  Job interfering with your drinking.
  
  Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
  
  Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
  
  The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
  
  Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
  
  24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
  
  Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
  
  You can focus better with one eye closed.
  
  The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
  
  You fall off the floor...
  
  Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
  
  Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
  
  Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
  
  At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
  
  Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
  
  You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell
  asleep clothed. - hmm.
  
  The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
  
  You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol,
  and [Women or Men].
  
  Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more
  attractive.
  
  Roseanne looks good.
  
  Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
  
  That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
  
  Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past
  you.
  
  I'm as jober as a sudge.
  
  The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.
  
  You wake up screaming "TORO TORO TORO!" in the middle of the night.




     Chief Executive Officer
     Mattel, Inc.
     El Segundo, CA

     Dear Sir:

     Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year,
     being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in
     frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many kiddie tea
     parties, and I hate to break it to ya, but It's Payback Time!

     So, here's my 1997 demand list:

     1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized
     sweatshirt.  I'm sick of looking like a hooker.  How much smaller are
     these bathing suits gonna get?  Do you have any idea what it feels
     like to have nylon and Velcro crawling up your butt?

     2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off.  Preferably white.
     What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation
     underwear to my skin?  It looks like cellulite!

     3. A REAL man . . . maybe GI Joe.  Hell, I'd even take Tickle-Me Elmo
     over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend, Ken.  And what's with the
     earring anyway?  If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make
     him, and me, anatomically correct.

     4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp
     away once he is anatomically correct.

     5. Breast reduction surgery.  I don't care whose arm you have to
     twist, just get it done.

     6. A sports bra.  To wear until I get the surgery.

     7. A new career.  Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it.
     How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account
     exec!

     8. A new, more 90s type persona.  Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a
     miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough, ice cream and a
     bag of chips.  Or "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun,
     outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs.  Maybe a "Stop Smoking
     Barbie", sporting a removable Nicrotol patch and equipped with several
     packs of gum.

     9. No more McDonald's endorsements.  That grease is wrecking my vinyl.

     10. Mattel stock options.  It's been 37 years.  I think I deserve it

     Ok, Mr. CEO, that's it.  Considering my valuable contribution to the
     company and to society, I don't think these requests are out of line.
     If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next
     Christmas.  It's that simple.

     Yours truly,

     Barbie

     The Dreamhouse
     Malibu, CA



A little boy wakes up one night and has to have a slash, so he gets up and as he's 
walking past his mum's bedroom he hears her moaning; "I need a man, I need a man, ..." 
He looks round the door and sees his mum furiously masturbating. Shrugging his shoulders 
he wanders down to the toilet. The next night the same thing happens, he wakes up and 
wandering past his mum's bedroom, he hears the same thing. "I need a man, oh, I need a 
man, ..." On the third night he wakes up again. On his way to the toilet he's surprised 
to hear a different sound, so he looks around the door and see's a big fat hairy arse 
humping up and down on his mum, who, naturally enough is moaning with ecstasy. The little 
boy is surprised by this, raises his eyebrows and nods thoughtfully. Aftter having his 
slash he gets back into bed, grabs his old man and starts wanking enthusiastically whilst 
calling out; "I need a bike, I need a bike, ..."


The King of the potatoe people is sat upon his throne, when his daughter - Princess 
Potatoe. She tells her father - "Dad, I've found someone to marry!" "Marry? Who is 
the lucky man?" he replied. "A King?" 
His daughter replies "No, not a king Daddy" 
"A prince then?"
"No, not a prince!"
"He must be a lord, has he a lot of land?"
"No."
"Well who the hell is he then?"
"Murray Walker!"
"Murray Walker? You cant marry him, he's a commentator!"


A bloke walks into a chemist and asks for a packet of condoms. The shop assistant 
replies "I'm sorry sir, but we've sold out. Have you tried Boots ?" "Jesus Christ!" 
exclaims the bloke, "I want to slide in not march in!"


A teacher to a class of 8 year olds is trying to get their imaginations going one day 
so she says to them "Ok class, now if you could cover your body in anything in the 
world what would it be and why ?"
So a lad puts his hand up and goes "Silver, Miss because then I could scrape it all 
off and buy myself a Volkswagon Golf just like my mum's got".
Another lad puts his hand up and says "Gold, Miss because then I could scrape it all 
off and buy myself a BMW just like my uncle's".
The teacher is looking very impressed by these ideas when little Jonny (well it had 
to be really) puts his hand up and shouts "Pubic hair, Miss."
"Why on earth would you want to do that Jonny ?" enquires the teacher, to which he 
replies :
"Well, my big sister's only got a tiny amount and you should see the fucking cars outside 
our house".

A guy named Chris goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.
" Hi, is Tony home?"
" No, he went to the store."
"Well, you mind if I wait?"
" No, come in."
They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the
greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I
could just see one."
Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a
hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks
her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while 
longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both 
of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the 
both of them together."
Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and
gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred
bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your
weird friend Chris came over. "
Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the
200 bucks he owes me?"


Why do women get periods ?
Because they fucking deserve them

Did you hear about the bloke with no arms who went in for a wanking competition??
He didn't come anywhere

21 Types of People You Might Meet in the Men's Room

1   EXCITABLE:  Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips
shorts.

2   SOCIABLE:  Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.

3   CROSSEYED:  Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is
fixed.

4   TIMID:  Can't piss if someone's watching, flushes urinal, comes back
later.

5   INDIFFERENT:  All urinals being used, pisses in sink.

6   CLEVER:  No hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on
floor.

7   WORRIED:  Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick
inspection.

8   FRIVOLOUS:  Plays stream up, down and across urinals, tries to hit
fly or bug.

9   ABSENT-MINDED:  Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.

10  CHILDISH:  Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it
bubble.

11  SNEAK:  Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man
in next stall will get blamed.

12  PATIENT:  Stands very close for a long while waiting, reads with
free hand.

13  DESPERATE:  Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.

14  TOUGH:  Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it.

15  EFFICIENT:  Waits until he has to crap, then does both.

16  FAT:  Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shoe.

17  LITTLE:  Stands on box, falls in, drowns.

18  DRUNK:  Holds right thumb in left hand, pisses in pants.

19  DISGRUNTLED:  Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.

20  CONCEITED:  Holds two-inch dick like a baseball bat.

21  RADICAL:  Ignores urinal. Pisses on wall.


A man walks into a bar and shouts, "Who wants a pet?". Everyone ignores him and 
they keep drinking their ales then the man says, "This is no ordinary animal, 
this is Fluffy, this gives the best blowjobs in the world." So a guy gets up and 
has a try behind the bar, and afterwards he offers £100 for Fluffy then he goes 
home to his wife.
"What the fuck is that?" asks his wife when she sees Fluffy.
"It's Fluffy," he says, "and it gives the best blow jobs in the world."
"And what am I supposed to do with that?" asks his wife.
The man answers, "Teach it to cook and fuck off!"



If They Married:
If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.

If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.

If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.

If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.

If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, hey! it's the '90's!, he'd be
Cat Doggy Dogg.

If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry
Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.

If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman
Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Monster.

If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.

If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married
Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.

If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg
Pooh.

How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd
be Boog Alou.

If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to
marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.

Nog (Quark's brother on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no other name,
so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. IF he married Howard
Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.

If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan Hale,
she'd be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale. (This one may take a little longer to
get)

If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar,
then moved on to Stephen King, he'd be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.

If Javier Lopez married Keiko the whale, and Edith Piaf married Rose Tu
the elephant, they would be Javier Keiko and Edith Tu.

If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of
Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she
would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.

If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory
Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.

If Dolly Parton married Tommy Smothers, then went even further back in
show business and married Mr. Lucky, then divorced and married Martin Short,
then divorced and married football kicker Ray Guy, we could all nod
understandingly when we heard, "Dolly Parton Smothers Lucky Short Guy."

What do you call a woman with 90% of her intelligence gone ?
Divorced 

Why are women and condoms so similar?
Because they're either on your dick or in your wallet.

A grungy old lumberjack, in town for the first time in weeks, went to the local brothel 
and demanded the roughest, toughest and meanest girl in the house. 
"That'll be Mary," said the madam. "Go to Room Four, and I'll send her up."
"Fine,"said the lumberjack,"and tell her to bring a couple of beers." 
In due time, Mary appeared. She put the two bottles of beer on the floor, took off her 
negligee, positioned herself on her hands and knees and pointed to her cunt. 
"No! No!" exclaimed the lumberjack. "In the bed, the old-fashioned way!" 
"Sure, Pal," grunted Mary, "but I thought ya might want to open them beers first." 

Upon answering the door to her whorehouse, the madam was surprised to see an amputee. 
"Look at yourself," the madam said, "no arms, no legs, what could you possibly do here?" 
The amputee replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

A woman runs out of her house one morning and catches a strange little man at the bottom 
of her garden. 
"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!" 
"OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?" 
"I want a huge mansion to live in." 
"OK, you've got it." 
"My second wish is a Mercedes." 
"OK, you've got that too." 
"My last wish is a million pounds" 
"OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night 
with me." 
"OK then, if that's what it takes" 
Next morning the little man wakes the woman up. 
"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" 
"I'm 27", she replies 
"Fuck me", says the man, "27 and you still belive in goblins"

True Stories


Spanish Bacon Pizza - With Extra Spew-Chunks
About two years ago I was in Spain on an exchange trip with the school. As I was in 
my earlier years I found the drinking to 6am detrimental to my health... Especially 
one Sunday morning after numerous jugs of sangria when I was wakened by my exchange 
partner (a non-drinker) at 10am to see his new PC that had been delivered. So there 
I was in his front room with the entire family mother, father, even their granny was 
there and I was invited to try and play Quake whilst his mother went out and brought 
in home made pizza covered in semi-cooked bacon. So here I am at 11:00am eating 
uncooked pizza playing fucking Quake and then came the first wave of nausea - spinning 
room, saliva in mouth, you all know the scenario. Then I heaved, but manfully caught 
it in my mouth. That was before the second heave, which caused a jet-like stream of 
vomit which hit the new computer at about 60 mph. I then proceeded to stand up in the 
circle of gathered family whilst convulsing and making "hewch hewch" noises. Most of 
the family were screaming in fear having never seen an Irishman in full retch. The 
mother managed to drag me out to the kitchen and hold my head over the sink and asked 
me angrily if I had been drinking or taking drugs the night before. As I was only 16 
this would have had serious consequences if my school found out, so I had to think 
quickly. Suddenly inspired I blurted out "Tengo una alergia contra el bacon" which 
as you may have guessed means" I am allergic to bacon". It had the desired effect as 
the woman started to cry and apologise profusely. Even her husband came in and started 
to call her all the names of the day whilst apologising to me. I smugly returned to my 
bed and spent the rest of the stay pampered beyond belief.
Colin, Derry

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," said his mom, "of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, 
we can play that game again!"

THE FABLE OF THE HORSE AND THE RABBIT

A horse and a rabbit are playing in a meadow.  The horse falls into a
mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the rabbit to go and get the farmer to
help pull him out to safety.  The rabbit runs to the farm but the farmer
can't be found. He drives the farmer's Porsche back to the mud hole and
ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the
rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him
from sinking!

A few days later, the rabbit and horse were playing in the meadow again
and the rabbit fell into the mud hole. The rabbit yelled to the horse to
go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can
stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and
said, "Grab for my penis and pull yourself up." And the rabbit did and pulled
himself to safety.


THE MORAL OF THE STORY:

If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Porsche.


One morning, a son got up and was leaving the house with a hand full of
chicken wire.  His father said, "Son, where are you going?" The son
replied, "I'm going to catch me some chickens." The father said, "Son,
you can't catch a chicken with chicken wire."  But the son insisted that he
knew what he was doing. 

Later on that day the son came home with two chickens in his hand.  The
father thought to himself, "I guess he knows what he's doing."

The next morning the son got up and was about to leave the house with 
some duct tape.  The father said, "Son, where are you going?" 
The son replied, "I'm going to catch some ducks."  
The father yelled, "YOU CAN'T CATCH DUCKS WITH DUCT TAPE!" 
The son insisted he knew what he was doing.

Later on that day, the son came home with two ducks under each arm.  The
father thought, "Well, I guess he DOES know what he's doing!"

The next morning, the son got up with a hand full of pussy willows. The
father said, "WAIT UP SON, JUST LET ME PUT ON MY SHOES!"


NEW VIRUS ALERT.......

Immediately scan your computer for the following viruses!

CLINTON VIRUS: This is the most dangerous of all viruses. It is highly
contagious and has mutated into many different strains making it very
hard to pin down. Listed below are the most common strains of the Clinton virus.

CLINTONis PAULA JONES VIRUS: This virus waits until floppy disks are out
of site in a darkened floppy drive all by themselves, pulls down their copy
protection and inserts itself into their FAT (File Allocation Table).  

CLINTONis BIMBO ERUPTIONS VIRUS: This is a frightening virus because it
is unpredictable and can pop up at any time.  This virus has the potential
to do tremendous damage, however, as of this writing, it appears to be under
control. This virus does itis dirty work in two stages.  In the first
stage there is the initial contact and sometimes a few subsequent exposures to
the source of the virus. In the first stage the Main CPU and virus
protection systems do not detect any sign of a virus or of potential damage. The
second stage of the virus attack may not occur for months or years later and
this is what makes it such a frightening virus.  In the second stage the virus
unexpectedly surfaceis and demands the full attention of the CPU. Then
the virus begins popping up nationwide on everyoneis monitor attacking the
Main CPU.  In an attempt to burn the Main CPU, the virus stops the CPU cooler
fan demanding to be the only component in the system who may blow the Main
CPU.

CLINTONis MARIJUANA VIRUS: Causes power supply to smoke due to huge
demands for power and then, reversing the direction of the fan on the power
supply, denies inhaling.

CLINTONis FBI FILE VIRUS:  Reads all hidden files on the hard drive,
stores them in memory and claims that it was a mistake made by a low level
batch file.

CLINTONis CHINA VIRUS: During internet connection this virus takes
control of the modem,  contacts foreign sites and by utilizing special Wang (sic)
software downloads huge amounts of very damaging digital code leading to
massive numbers of chinks in all of your programs.

CLINTONis FLIP FLOP VIRUS: This is a very dangerous virus.  Computer
Scientists have tried and failed, from 1992 thru 1996, to find a way to
counteract this virus.  The reason for their failure, is that so far, it
has been impossible to determine, from day to day, exactly what this virus
is going to do after it is installed in the system. Why? Because it is
constantly changing both what it actually does and what it claims (in
the readme.txt J), that it will do in the future.

CLINTONis MIDDLE CLASS TAX CUT VIRUS: This virus has fooled untold
millions of people. It is not a very sophisticated virus since, if it is
discovered at an early stage, all of the potential damage can be repaired. But so far
it appears that most computer owners have blissfully overlooked obvious
warning signs of trouble and they have suffered the consequenceis of their
ignorance. After this virus has completely installed itself throughout the system
it then seeks out your financial software programs and drains your bank
account. The author of this virus was apprehended by police and reportedly said
that "While it might surprise you, I think I raised your Texas too high
also."  This was reportedly a reference to the fact that all of the money
confiscated from bank accounts was deposited in bankrupt Texas S & Lis.

CLINTON MOSCOW VIRUS: This virus is also known as the "Dodge City Draft
Beer Virus" since it was supposedly written  by a angry alcoholic who lived
in Dodge City during the Vietnam war except for one visit to Moscow to
protest the US plot to stop communism in South East Asia.  Since he was a white
male his leftist marxist lesbian sisteris on the faculty denied him tenure
and he has been living in bitter poverty ever since.  He programmed this virus
to completely erase the hard drives of Pro-life, Christian Republicans, but
so far it has had little success due to the efforts of an underground
resistance organization of computer scientists named "Computer Hackers Resisting
Intellectually Senile Teachers."

CLINTONis VINCE FOSTER VIRUS: This is a very specialized virus.  It only
attacks and destroys files in your MicroSoft Office.  After destroying
all the documents in your Office it rewrites history and claims that you did
it to yourself.

CLINTONis MENA COCAINE VIRUS: This virus is one of the most difficult to
detect since it involves collaboration from many parts of the system and
they all work together to hide the collateral damage they've done.

CLINTON HOMOSEXUAL VIRUS: This virus is an anomaly among viruses because
it generates other mutating viruses which attack the system. First it
attacked the systems of the US Military, but the public knows very little about
this virus because so far the media is not asking about it and the President
has ordered the Military not to tell about it.

CLINTON AIDS VIRUS: There are several different strains of this virus
however the most virulent is the "Another Infected Disk Sucker" version. This
virus has a time delay of nearly ten years in some cases, but when it attacks
ALL IS LOST!

CLINTON STEPHAN APPLE ASS VIRUS: This virus was named after a former
Clinton aid who as a past time enjoyed the bizarre act ofOwell we better not
describe that, but this virus tears a big hole in your hard drive making it all
but impossible to store data for any length of time.

CLINTON SOCIALIZED MEDICINE VIRUS: This virus was discovered on a CD
Rom. It distributed by a shadowy company which is now defunct.  This software
program, Hillaryis Healthy Helper was supposed to be a system
maintenance utility software program.  Fortunately it was discovered, (before this
virus achieved widespread dominance in the market place), that this CD Rom
contained a virus that would have been completely destructive to the
whole system. Once discovered this virus was quashed and Hillaryis secret
panel who devised this diabolical virus disappeared into the night.

CLINTON PARTIAL BIRTH ABORTION VIRUS: This diabolical insidious virus
does itis work virtually unseen until it is too late and the damage has been
done. The virus attacks the hard drive by penetrating the heads and emptying
the cylinders. When the virus has completed itis mission everything on the
hard drive is absolutely, irretrievably gone, F/Disk, as if it had never even
existed. 

HILLARY VIRUSiES: Though very closely related to the CLINTON family of
virusies, these Hillary Virusies have mutated enough to be given their
own separate classification primarily because they have been found to be
exceptionally virulent. Following are descriptions of the most common
strains of Hillaryis Virusis.

HILLARY WHITEWATER VIRUS:  This virus causes files to disappear and
then mysteriously reappear a year later; in another directory.

HILLARY DATABASE VIRUS: This virus only attacks databases containing
lists of donors. The virus wipes the hard drive clean before an investigation can
detect it.

HILLARY FRIGID VIRUS: This virus lockis up your system, freezeis your
mouse pointer and immediately shuts down all activity, rendering your computer
so completely impotent that you may be tempted, late at night, to connect
with an unrelated CPU at a remote site. (You may use your imagination to
figure out what CPU stands for)

HILLARY VILLAGE PEOPLE VIRUS: This virus completely takes control of the
operating system and refuses to allow multi-tasking. This virus is
programmed to think that it is intelligent. This virus centralizes all decision
making authority and considerably slows down the whole system until it just
plain breaks down and is unable to finish any task. At this point the whole
system must be junked as it becomes obvious that it is totally worthless. (Cf.
USSR Virus)

HILLARY CATTLES FUTURES VIRUS: This is perhaps, the oddest of all
viruses because it has only struck one computer, one time.  Purportedly it is a
"good" virus.  But the only reason we have for making this claim is that
people from all over the nation are begging to contract this virus. 
Reports from insiders who are highly placed dependable sources claim that this
virus can put $100,000.00 in your bank account with absolutely no risk
whatsoever.

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS:  Never identifies itself as a "virus", but 
instead refers to itself as an "electronically challenged micro-organism".

ROSS PEROT VIRUS:  Activates every component in your system, just 
before the whole system quits.

TED TURNER VIRUS:  Colorizes your monochrome monitor with an
environmentally safe earth friendly green and destroys your computers ability to
eliminate trash.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS:  Thier is sumthing rong with yur komputer, but ewe 
cant figyur outt watt!

RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS:  Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of
how old it is.  If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a
counselor about possible alternatives.

MARIO CUOMO VIRUS:  It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS:  Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB,
and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENNEGGER VIRUS:  Terminates and stays resident.  It'll be
back.

PAT BUCHANAN VIRUS: Your system works fine, but complains loudly about 
foreign software.

COLIN POWELL VIRUS: Makes it's presence known but doesn't do anything. 

O.J. SIMPSON VIRUS:  You know it's guilty of trashing your system, but
you just can't prove it.

BOB DOLE VIRUS:  Old Virus and not much of a threat these days.

STEVE FORBES VIRUS:   Attacks your data files. Rewrites them until they
are all flat out the same size.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS:  This virus doesn't horse around, it warns you of 
impending attack.  Once if by LAN, twice if by C.

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS:  Nothing works, but all your diagnostic 
software says everything is fine.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS:  Takes control of your computer and uses it as a
platform to take control of computers worldwide via the internet.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS:  Divides your hard disk into hundreds of
little units, each of which does practically nothing; but all of which claim to
be the most important part of your computer.

GALLUP VIRUS:  60% of the PC's infected will lose 30% of their data 
14% of the time (plus or minus a 3.5% margin of error).

TEXAS VIRUS:  Destroys any file bigger that itself, insuring  that it's
the biggest file on the system.

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS:  Takes a couples of bytes out of your Apple and
taints all of you data files with original sine and math errors.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS:  The computer locks up and the screen splits in
half with the same error message displayed on each side of the terminal
claiming that the blame for the gridlock is caused by the other side.

AIRLINE LUGGAGE VIRUS:  Makes your personal data files and documents
disappear hiding them in random locations all around your hard drive.

FREUDIAN VIRUS:  Your hard drive becomes obsessed with coupling with
it's own motherboard.

PBS VIRUS:  Your computer stops running every few minutes to ask for
money.

ELVIS VIRUS:  Your computer software gets fat and slow and  then self
destructs. Later  copies of your files are supposedly seen at Internet
shopping malls and Burger Kings across the country.

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS:  This virus causes your printer to shred all paper
run through it.

NIKE VIRUS:  Oriental Strain of this virus wipes out all memory of
American made products. When famous Computer Scientist Kevin Mitnick was asked
how it worked he got close to the bars and whispered, "Just do it. ???"

MONTGOMERY WARD VIRUS:  This is the first corporately written Virus.
They tell you your system will die and your data will be lost unless you buy
new cables, a new power supply and a new battery.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS:  If your system gets this virus your hard drive will
never be found again.

KEVORKIAN VIRUS:  This virus shuts down your computer permanently and
sends an error message claiming that this was an act of mercy.

STAR TREK VIRUS:  After invading your system this virus goes where no
virus has gone before.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS:  Tests your system for one day, finds nothing wrong 
and sends you a bill for $4,500.00.

GEORGE BUSH VIRUS:  It starts by boldly stating; "Read my Hard
Drive...No New Files!" on the screen.  It then proceeds to fill up all the free
space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional
Virus.

Please, in the interest of national security, circulate this VIRUS ALERT
everywhere.
Thank You Very Much,


A guy was at the supermarket and after buying a few things he began to queue up in 
this really long line for the checkout. After about 15 minutes in the line he reached 
the checkout girl and just at that moment he remembered that he needed some condoms. 

Not wanting to line up again he said to the girl "Oh I meant to buy some condoms but 
forgot" 

"Do you know what size you are ?" she asked. 

"No". 

"OK drop your pants and I'll tell you what size you are". 

The guy then, not being the shy type, drops his trousers and the girl has a feel with 
her hand and then says in the microphone "1 packet of large condoms to aisle 3 please", 
he pulls up his trousers, the condoms are brought to him and he pays his bill and goes 
on his way. 

Another male customer sees this and thinks he'd like to have this nice girl fondling his 
prick and so says the same thing to the girl. A similar course of events takes place, only 
this time after having a feel she says "One packet of medium sized condoms to aisle 3 
please", the condoms are then brought to him and he pays the bill and goes on his way. 

Also watching this course of events was a rather excitable 15 year old boy who then decides 
to queue up and try the same routine. 

"I'd like to buy some condoms please, but I forgot" he says. 

"Do you know what size you are?" 

"No." 

"OK, I'll check. Whoops, mop and bucket to aisle 3 please!" 


A young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her first visit home 
since starting university. "Mum, I have to tell you," the girl confessed. "I lost my 
virginity last weekend." 

"I'm not surprised," said her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner or later. I just 
hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience." 

"Well, yes and no," the pretty student remarked. "The first eight guys felt great, but 
after them my cunt got really sore." 


During a routine physical, a doctor tells his patient to drop his pants. After the 
examination, the doctor says to the man, "You have the filthiest balls I've ever seen!" 

The guy goes home to his wife and says, "I want to talk to you about something." 

She replies, "Not now, I've been so busy lately that I haven't had time to wipe my arse!" 

He says, "That's what I want to talk to you about." 


A virgin white girl gets married to a black guy and she's rather nervous about the 
wedding night as she's heard that black men are better endowed than white men. 

She explains this to her husband who tells her he knows how to get round the situation 
which is to show her his dick, bit by bit. 

The wife lies in bed and sees three inches of dick come round the door. 

"Are you nervous yet?" says her husband. 

"No, I"m OK" she replies. 

Another six inches of dick comes around the door and he says "Are you still OK?" 

"Yes" she replies. 

A further foot comes around the door and she says "I"m still not nervous". 

"OK," her husband replies, "I"m coming up the stairs"


Mummy takes little Johnny to the zoo. As they pass the elephant cage, the elephant 
has an erection. 

"What's that, Mummy?" asks the child. 

"Nothing, Johnny, nothing," says the embarrassed mother, swiftly leading him on. 

A week later Johnny's dad takes him and the same happens. 

"What's that, Daddy?" 

"That, son, is the elephant's penis." 

"Mummy said it was nothing." 

"Your mother's spoilt, Son." 


This fat guy sees an ad for a new gym guaranteeing to reduce anyone's weight by 5, 
10 or 20 kilograms on the first day. So he goes and tells them he wants to lose 5 kg. 
They strip him and lead him into a huge gym with all kinds of ropes and parallel bars 
and ladders and tell him to wait a minute. 

He's standing there when on the far side of the gym a door opens and out steps a gorgeous 
blonde, stark naked, with a sign saying "If you catch me, I'm yours." 

He starts running, and just as he gets close, she starts picking up speed. Before he knows 
it, he's running all over the gym, up the ladders, down the ladders, across the parallel 
bars, here and there. And just as he's about to catch the blonde, pop, she disappears 
through a door. In comes the management who lead him to the showers, and then weigh him. 
Sure enough, he lost exactly 5 kg. 

He's back on the street and starts to think. "Jesus, I was so close to catching her. If I 
had a little more time..." So he races back to the gym and says, "I want to lose 20 more 
kg." "No problem," says the manager. 

Again he strips, and is led to the large gym. This time he's standing by the door when it 
opens. 

Out comes a gorilla with a sign "If I catch you, you're mine."


A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple 
reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first
saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" 

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits 
dry." 

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" 

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."


The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on their 
wedding night and reprimanded him severely. "I demand proper manners in bed," she 
declared, "just as I do at the dinner table." 

Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed 
quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a hint of a smile. 

"Yes," replied the girl, "much better." 

"Very good, darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you be so kind as to please 
pass the cunt."




A man was to be married and his friends threw him a stag party. As usual there was much 
drinking and merriment. As the evening wore on, the man was dancing nude and and hit his 
erect penis on the fireplace, knocking himself out. 

Concerned, his friends took him to the hospital. Following an examination, the emergency 
room physician told them that their friend's condition was stable, that he was bruised 
and sore, that the medical term for his injury was complicated but in layman terms, "He 
had broken his prick". They shouldn't worry though, because he had supported the injured 
part with 4 tongue depressors neatly bound with tape. 

The next day, the wedding was flawless and the bride was unaware of any problems. In their 
honeymoon suite, the bride was spread-eagled on the bed when her husband emerged from the 
bathroom and she said, "Come and get it , Honey, it's all yours. I'm untouched by any 
other, this is pure virgin wool". 

The groom smiled as he dropped his pajamas as he said to her, "Check this out, Babe, still 
in the crate".



The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know 
where she stands right from the start of the marriage. 

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on." 

The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers." 

He replies, "And don't forget that, I will always wear the pants in the family!" 

The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those 
on!" 

He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!" 

"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."




A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing 
herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed 
her tears and took pity on her. 

"Look, you've got a lot to live for." he said. "I'm off to America in the morning, and if 
you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food 
every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep 
you happy, and you'll keep me happy." 

The girl nodded. After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her 
aboard and hid her in a life-boat. From then on, every night he brought her three 
sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. 

Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. 

"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked. 

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained, "He's taking me to America, 
and he's screwing me." 

"He certainly is," said the Captain. "This is the Dover-Calais ferry."



A guy is shipwrecked on a celebrity cruise and he wakes up stranded on a desert island 
with Nicole Kidman. 

Anyway, after a few weeks they are having passionate sex. This is all fine and dandy for 
a bit, but the guy starts getting a bit depressed. 

Nicole comes up to him on the beach one day and says, "What's the matter?" 

He says "Well, it's wonderful, I'm on a tropical island with a beautiful woman who I love, 
but...but... I miss my mates. I miss going down the pub with them." 

She says, "Well, I'm an actress. Maybe if I get dressed in some of those male clothes which 
were left behind in the trunks, I can pretend to be one of your friends, and you can talk 
to me as if you were down the pub." 

It sounded a bit weird but he thought he would give it a try. 

So she gets into the mens' clothing and they sit down next to each other, And the guy goes 
"Hey Joe, You'll never guess who I've been fucking..." 



There was a father who was very proud of his three daughters. Every night he took a stroll 
around the house to make sure everything was all right. 

One night when he was doing his stroll, he could hear laughter coming from his youngest 
daughter's room. He stood there for a while and thought about this, but reached the 
conclusion that he could always ask her tomorrow, instead of bothering her at this time of 
the night. 

When he reached the window of his second daughter, he could hear her crying. He thought 
about this too, but ultimately he decided to ask her tomorrow and continued. 

There were no sounds at all coming from his oldest daughter's room, and he then went to 
bed, satisfied. 

The next day, when they all were gathered around the breakfast table, he said to his 
youngest daughter "I heard you laughing last night, as I walked past your window. Why was 
that?" 

She answered "That's because you taught me to laugh when someone was making me happy..." 

He then asked his second daughter "I heard you crying last night, why was that?" 

She answered "That's because you taught me to cry when someone was making me hurt..." 

He then told his oldest daughter "I didn't hear anything from you..." 

She said "That's because you taught me not to talk with my mouth full..."



A son takes his father to the retirement home. Grandpa doesn't want to go, but the 
family insists. 

On the first night, Grandpa is settling in when a gorgeous nurse enters and tucks him 
in. Grandpa gets a hard-on, she sees it, and she climbs aboard. 

The next morning Grandpa calls his son and tells him he's changed his mind. Now he LIKES 
the retirement home. 

The next night Grandpa is heading for bed when he trips and falls face first on the floor. 
A big male orderly sees him, drops his trousers, and sodomises the old man. 

The next morning, Grandpa calls his son again and tells him he no longer likes the 
retirement home. 

"But yesterday you told me you loved it there..." says the son. 

"Yeah, but you don't understand. I only get an erection once a month, but I fall down 
nearly every day."




One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, 
then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, 
and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. 

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called 
his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go 
to the hospital. 

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being 
informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. 

The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose 
and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and 
daughter jumped and yelled for joy. 

The mother said to the young man, "That was wonderful. You should be a doctor!" 

The ungrateful father jumped up, twisted the boy's arm behind his back and yelled, 
"Doctor, my arse! He's going to be our son-in-law. Smell his fingers!" 



A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an 
earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm 
back in that hole." 

The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five pounds you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to 
put back in that little hole." 

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays 
the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he stuffs the worm back into the 
hole. 

The grandfather hands the little boy five pounds, grabs the hairspray and runs into the 
house. 

Thirty minutes later, the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five 
pounds. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five pounds." 

The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma." 


A young virgin marries a Greek man and before the wedding her father tells her that, 
being Greek, her husband may ask her to turn the other way in bed one day, but the she 
doesn't have to do it if she doesn't want to. 

Sure enough, after a couple of months, her husband asks her to turn over and she says 
"No, my father said I don't have to do this." 

Her husband says 'OK, that's fine by me, but I thought you wanted children." 




Minnie and Mickey's marriage was in trouble. They decided that they should go to a 
marriage guidance counsellor. Each took their time with the counsellor. At the end 
of the appointment the counsellor asked them to come back a week later, giving him 
time to examine his notes. 

A week later they came back and sat together. The counsellor looked at them both and 
then addressed Mickey. 

"You know," said the counsellor, "you shouldn't tell Minnie that she's crazy." 

Mickey looked from Minnie to the counsellor and back again before saying "I've never 
called her crazy. I said she was fucking Goofy." 



Two blokes were painting Concorde and it was taking a long time. They had just reached 
the wings and one goes, "Smell this paint, it smells like Vodka!!" 

The other bloke says "Yeah, you're right, have a swig". 

So he takes a swig, and it is just about pallatable. Come the end of the shift they have 
drunk 37 cans of paint between them and they are completely pissed. They stumble back to 
their homes and go straight to bed, nearly dead. 

The first bloke wakes up and he's got the biggest hangover of his life. He climbs out of 
bed and falls flat on his face. He looks at his feet and he notices that some little have 
grown out the soles of his feet. 

"What the fuck..." he exclaims. 

He skates into the bathroom and he could not believe what he saw in the mirror. He had a 
7 inch long pointy nose instead of his own, his shoulders were pushed back and his arms 
were now flattish 

"Oh, for fuck's sake..." 

Suddenly, the phone goes, he answers it and it was his mate from the day before. 

"Thank God you've phoned...I've got wheels on my feet, a long pointy nose, flat arms and 
I don't know what the fuck is going on..." 

The reply came, "Yeah, I know...whatever you do don't fart, I'm phoning from Bahrain!!"




A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. As he drinks it, he tells the bartender that 
it is his birthday, he is 40 today and has never been in a bar before. The bartender is 
surprised but listens. The man then orders another pint and one for the barman, telling 
the barman that it was such nice beer he would like "one for the road". On downing his 
second pint, he walks to the centre of the room, jumps up on a table, whips out his willy 
and spins in a circle, peeing over everyone. The barman, very angry, throws him out. 

The next evening the man walks into the bar again. The barman stops him, saying "I'm not 
serving you - you have two pints and then go MAD!" 

"I know how you must feel," says the man, "but I have only come to apologise. This has 
never happened to me before and I am deeply embarrassed. It has taken a lot of courage 
to overcome my embarrassment and return here to apologise." 

The barman decides to let him off and allow him to buy a drink for everyone in the bar as 
a way of saying sorry. He has one himself. When the man has finished his drink, he offers 
to buy another drink for the barman - who accepts. On finishing his second drink, once 
again the man walks to the centre of the room, jumps up on a table, whips out his willy 
and spins in a circle, peeing over everyone. The barman throws him out. 

The man walks back into the bar on the third evening. The barman is quite angry and tells 
him that he will not be served no matter what he says. 

"I understand," says our hero. "I am very deeply embarrassed that there has been a 
repetition of my gross behaviour. It has taken a lot of courage to deal with my 
embarrassment and to come here to apologise. I have been so embarrassed that I have sought 
professional help. I have been to see a doctor, who has treated me and now assured me that 
I am cured!" 

Seeing that he is cured, the barman decides to allow the man to stay. He buys a drink for 
the dwindling clientele and one for himself. As he chats to the barman about his 
embarrassment, the barman takes pity on this lonely man and allows him another drink. He 
downs his second pint, walks to the centre of the room, jumps up on a table, whips out his 
willy and spins in a circle, peeing over everyone. 

The barman calls out "I thought you were cured?" 

"I am!" replies the man, "I am no longer embarrassed."




A well dressed guy went into a bar for a martini and found himself beside a 
scruffy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. The guy 
leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring "Well, it 
looks like plastic." Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, "But it feels like 
rubber." 

Curious, the guy asked, "What do you have there?" 

The drunk replied, "Damned if I know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber." 

The guy said, "Let me take a look." 

So the drunk handed it over. The guy rolled it between his thumb and fingers, then 
examined it closely. "Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but I don't 
know what it is. Where did you get it anyway?" 

The drunk replied, "Out of my nose."




A drunk was sitting at a bar when a woman stands behind him and raises her arm really 
high to get the bartender's attention. She has very hairy armpits. 

The drunk sees this and yells at the bartender, "Get the ballerina a drink." She gets 
her drink and goes away. Later she returns and raises her arm again. The drunk sees her 
and yells to the bartender,"Get the ballerina another drink." She gets her drink and goes 
away again. 

The bartender asks the drunk how he knows she is a ballerina when she was a stranger and 
had never been in the bar before. The drunk replies, "She's got to be a ballerina if she 
can lift her leg that high."



A man came home very late, pissed out of his mind, to find his wife waiting for him at 
the door. "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?", she screams, "It's FOUR IN THE MORNING!" 

He says, "Aww, I just stopped at this bar, I was only going to have one drink...but this 
bar, it was incredible. EVERYTHING in it was gold-plated. They had a gold rail under the 
bar, gold ashtrays, they served the drinks in gold shotglasses, the table posts were all 
gold-plated, even the mirror behind the bar was gold. The cash register was gold. I was 
so amazed by all this gold, I just kept ordering drinks, so I could stay in the bar and 
look at it. Hell, even when I went to the Men's Room to take a leak, they had gold-plated 
urinals...it was wonderful." 

"I don't believe that story for one minute," his wife said. "What was this place called?" 

"Hell," he replies, "I can't remember...I got too drunk, and I forgot." 

"You'll have to prove it to me tomorrow when you sober up, or I'm going to divorce you!" 
she said. 

The next day, the man looks through the Yellow Pages under "BARS", but none of the names 
ring a bell. He decides that he'll call all the bars listed, and ask the bartenders about 
the decor in their establishments. He's called about 50 bars so far, and still no luck. 
Finally, he calls one bar, asks his question, and the bartender says that, yes, they are 
the bar with all the gold-plated stuff. 

"Here," the man says, handing the phone to his wife. "Ask this bartender if I'm lying!" 
The wife gets on the line, and begins to ask the bartender about all the things her husband 
had told her about on the previous night... the rail, the shotglasses, the mirrors, the 
table posts and the cash register. 

Finally, she says, "Now, this may seem like a strange question, but my husband says you 
even have gold-plated urinals...do you?" 

The bartender puts the phone down on the bar, and she hears him yell "HEY LOUIE!! I think 
I know who pissed in your saxophone..."




A man comes into a bar and starts a conversation with the bartender and mentions that he 
can do some odd things. The bartender is inquisitive about his strange talents and asks 
the gentleman what he can do. 

The man tells the bartender that he can lick his right eye, and for a shot of whiskey he 
would demonstrate it. The bartender agrees, and the man takes out his glass right eye and 
licks it. The bartender is slightly amused, but pays his bet. 

After the man drinks his shot of whiskey, he says to the bartender that not only can he 
lick his right eye, but he can bite his left eye, and for this the guy will show it to the 
bartender for £ 5. The bartender can clearly see that this guy does not have two glass eyes 
because he is not blind, so he takes him up on it. The guy takes out his false teeth and 
bites his left eye. The bartender feels stupid, but again pays the man. 

The man walks away into the lounge for a while and starts talking with a group of guys at 
a table. A little bit later he comes back and says that for £ 500 he will get up on one 
end of the bar and put a glass right at the other end, and piss into the little glass 
without spilling a drop. 

Being a man and knowing no man could do that, he agrees to the bet. The man gets up on the 
end of the bar and starts pissing all over the place, not even getting close to the glass. 
The man gets down, and the bartender starts wiping the bar and laughing and saying that the 
man now owes him £ 500. 

The man looks at the bartender and says That's OK, I just bet those guys over there £ 1000 
that I could get up on your bar, piss all over it and make you clean it up!"



A guy sitting at a a bar having a drink when another guy comes in and stands next to him. 
The first guy says "I know you, it's Andrew isn't it? You used to drink in here ages ago. 
It's me, Frank." 

Andrew says "Of course, I remember you. The truth is I've been away for three years at 
University. I just passed my degree in Logic" 

"That sounds very impressive. What's it all about then?" 

"Well, I could give you an example if you like. For instance, do you have any pets?" 

"Yes, I've got some goldfish..." 

"Don't say anymore! OK, using the fact that you keep goldfish I'll illustrate logic. Now 
goldfish are cold water fish so I'd suggest you have a garden with a pond. If you've got 
a garden you must live in a house, if you've got a house you must have a mortgage which 
means you have a steady job with a steady income, if you live in a house and not a flat 
you're most likely married, and if you're married you must have a healthy and regular sex 
life which therefore means you don't have to wank." 

Frank was stunned, "You figured all that out from goldfish? That's incredible! This logic 
stuff is brilliant! I'm going to have a go. Here, Jim, do you want to learn about logic?" 

"OK" 

"Let me give you an example. Do you have any pets?" 

"No" 

Frank, pauses for thought, "Hmmm...Wanker!" 




A classy bar decided that having a piano player would be good for business, so they put 
out a sign saying "WANTED---PIANO PLAYER". All the next day, the employees, the bartender, 
and the owner listened to various pianists who came in for an audition. 

Near the end of daylight, they hadn't heard a single player who was any good, and they 
were about to take the WANTED sign out of the window and get the bar ready for the nightime 
customers, when a neatly dressed fellow walked in and asked if he could audition. 

"What the hell," the owner replied, "I guess we have time for one more." 

The man sat down at the piano and started off with a hauntingly beautiful ballad, sad, and 
full of expression. When he was finished, there was stunned silence in the bar, and then 
the assembled employees broke into wild applause. 

"That was INCREDIBLE!", said the owner. "Who wrote that?" 

"I did," the musician replied. "It's called, 'I want to fuck you up the arse'" 

After an embarassed silence the bar owner said, "Uh...um, can you play us another piece?" 

"Sure...try this on for size", replied the pianist. This time, the piece was an up-tempo 
jazz number, complex and intricate. Again, thunderous applause. Again, the owner asks the 
name of the piece, and the pianist replies, "It's called, 'I'd like to shoot my hot wad 
into your ear.'" 

The owner frowns for a moment, and then he gets an idea. "Look," he says, "you can have 
the job, but I'm going to make a rule right now...you can NOT tell any of my customers the 
names of any of your songs. If you do, I'll fire you on the spot." The pianist is not too 
happy with this idea, but he needs the gig badly, so he agrees. 

The piano player has now been working the bar for about a month, and he has faithfully 
followed the owner's rule about not telling the patrons the names of his works. He is 
drawing large crowds, and business is way up at the bar. One night, the audience is so 
impressed with him, they buy him many drinks. He gets a little tipsy, and decides he has 
to head for the mens' room to relieve himself. Being rather drunk, he's not to careful 
about putting himself back together before he leaves the toilet. 

As he walks back toward the bandstand, he notices two good-looking ladies at one of the 
front table are giggling, and pointing at him. He walks up to their table, and ask them 
what's so funny. 

One of the ladies answers, "Do you know your fly is open, and your dick is hanging out?" 

He replies, "Know it? Shit, I WROTE IT!"



Moses, Jesus and some old guy are playing golf together. They come to a par three with 
a beautiful lake guarding the green. 

Moses tees up and smacks one right into the lake. He raises his arms, parts the lake, 
finds his ball and hits it onto the green. 

Jesus tees off next and hits it into the lake. He walks across the water, his ball floats 
up to the surface of the lake, and he hits it onto the green. 

Next up is the old geezer. Smacks his ball right towards the lake, but as its going in, a 
fish jumps up and snags the ball just as a pelican swoops down and snags the fish. A bolt 
of lightning hits the pelican who drops the fish onto the green and the ball falls into the 
hole. 

Jesus looks over at the old man and says "Bloody hell, Dad, can't you play golf like 
everyone else?" 




Peter was down at the golf club one Saturday morning, when he met a stranger to the club. 
The stranger said, "Do you mind if I join you for a round?" Peter says, "Grand, no 
problem." So they set off for the first tee. 

Now there was one puzzling thing about this stranger, he was carrying an attache case 
around with him during the round. He'd be walking up to take his shot with the attache 
case in his hand. He'd put it down carefully, take his shot, and then pick it up and 
continue down the fairway. Now, Peter was puzzled by this behaviour, and asked him why 
he was carrying the attache case around. No matter how hard he pleaded with him, the 
stranger wouldn't tell him. 

Eventually, on the ninth green, Peter's curiousity got the better of him, and he said 
"Right Lad, if you dont show me what's in the case, I'm going to go home!" So the stranger 
sighs and opens the case. Inside there is a long range rifle, with telescopic sights. 

Peter says "Jesus! What the fuck are you carrying that thing around for?" 

"It's my job," says the stranger, "I'm a hitman." 

Peter says "Here let me look through the sights." 

So the hitman assembles it and gives it to Peter. Peter takes careful aim and shouts 
"Jesus, I can see for miles! Look there's my local church, and if I'm not mistaken, 
that's my house and I can see right in through the windows!" 

At this point he peers into his bedroom and sees his wife shagging his next door 
neighbour. Peter says "Shit! That bitch is dead. How much do you want for a hit, 
Stranger?" 

"One hundred quid" 

"Right, get that neighbour of mine in the balls, and shoot the bitch in the head." 

So, the stranger starts aiming, and moving the gun around. After about two minutes the 
stranger is still moving the gun around and squinting. Peter says "Hurry up, or we'll be 
rumbled" "Shut up," says the stranger, "I'm trying to save you a bit of money..." 



A man goes golfing with his friend, Harry. He arrives home several hours late. 

His wife asks,"What took you so long?" 

He replies,"Oh, Ethel, it was an horrible afternoon! On the third hole, Harry had a 
heart attack and died on the spot!" 

Ethel says,"Oh, darling! It must have been awful for you!" 

The husband replies, "It was hell! Fifteen holes of 'hit the ball, drag Harry, hit 
the ball, drag Harry...'" 



A naval boiler stoker goes to Hell. The Devil comes up to him on the first day, and sees 
him smiling. 

"What are you so happy about?" says Lucifer. 

"I just love it here. Its like a spring day in the boiler room." 

The Devil walks off angry, and decides to get him. "I'll turn the heat all the way up. 
That'll show him." 

The next day, The Devil checks back with our hero, only to find him happy once again. 

"What now?" says the Evil one. 

"This heat is great! Reminds me of a summer day in the boiler room." 

The Devil realises that he has been going about it all wrong. 

"Tomorrow I'm going to make it colder than a Siberian winter." 

He returns the next day to find the stoker shivering and blue, but grinning from ear to 
ear. 

"What could you possibly have to be happy about?" 

"It's pretty obvious, isn't it?" replied the stoker. "Manchester City must have won the 
Premier League!" 



A wife was getting pretty upset about her husband's lack of attention and decided to 
come on a little stronger to him. After dinner, she put on her sexy, backless nightgown 
backwards so her tits were showing and sauntered into the living room. 

"Notice anything?" she asked slyly. 

"Yes, you've got your nightgown on backwards." her husband answered simply. 

"How could you tell?" she cooed. 

"Because the shit stains are in the front." he said. 



Time: 1950's Place: Oldham, Lancashire, United Kingdom 

Doris & Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by 
advertising for a lodger in their 2 up 2 down terrace house. 

After a few days a young attractive woman applies for the room and explains that she is 
a model working in a nearby city centre studio for a few weeks and that she would like 
the room for Mondays to Thursdays but would pay for the whole week. 

Doris shows her the house and they agree to start straight away. "There's just one problem" 
explains the model " because of my job I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you 
don't have a bath?" 

"That's not a problem" replies Doris "we have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it 
in to the living room, in front of the fire, and fill it with hot water." 

"What about you're husband?" asks the model. 

"Oh he plays darts most weekdays - so he will be out in the evenings." replies Doris. 

"Good" says the model " that being settled, I'll go to the studio and see you tonight." 

That evening Fred dutifully goes to his darts match whilst Doris prepares the bath for the 
model. After stripping off the model steps into the bath and Doris is amazed to see that 
she has no pubic hair. The model notices Doris's staring eyes, smiles and explains that it 
is part of her job to shave her pussy especially when modelling swimwear or underclothes. 

Later when Fred returns, Doris relates this oddity and he does not believe her. 

"It's true I tell you" says Doris "look, if you don't believe me, tommorrow night I'll 
leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself." 

The next night Fred leaves as usual and Doris prepares the bath for the model. As the 
model steps naked into the bath - Doris, standing behind her, looks towards the curtains, 
and points towards the model's naked pussy. Then she lifts up her skirt and wearing no 
panties, points to her own hairy mass. 

Later Fed returns and they retire to bed. 

"Well do you believe me now?" she asks Fred. 

"Yes" he replies "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up 
your skirt and show your hairy twat?" 

"Just to show you the difference" answers Doris "but anyway you've seen my pussy millions 
of times?" 

"Yes" says Fred "I have...but the rest of the fucking darts team haven't."



MI5 (the British Secret Service) is considering three men to be hired. They bring them 
in to speak with the interviewer separately. The first man comes in and sits down. 

"Do you love your wife?" 
"Yes I do, Sir." 
"Do you love your country?" 
"Yes I do, Sir." 
"What do you love more, your wife or your country?" 
"My country, Sir." 
"Okay. We brought in your wife. Take this gun and go into the next room and kill her." 

The man goes into the room, and all is silent for about 5 minutes. He comes back, with 
his tie loosened and he is all sweaty. He puts down the gun and leaves. 

The second guy comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him the same questions, and 
the responses are the same. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his 
wife. The guy puts the gun down and says "I can't do it..." 

The third guy comes in, same scenario. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to 
go kill his wife. The guy goes into the room, and BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! This 
is following by a bunch of crashing sounds that end after a few minutes. 

The guy comes out of the room with his tie loosened, and puts the gun on the table. The 
interviewer looks at him and says "What happened?!?!" 

"The gun you gave me was filled with blanks so I had to strangle the bitch!" 



The middle-aged wife had just returned to the house on Saturday afternoon after a shopping 
trip. She was quite agitated, and proceeded to tell her husband about a certain shoe 
salesman who had been rude. 

It seems she was sitting down while he helped her try on various shoes, and happened to 
glance up and notice that she was not wearing any knickers under her dress. Without even 
thinking, he just blurted out, "If that thing was full of ice cream, I'd eat every bite." 

Well, she was understandably insulted, and now wanted to know what her husband was going 
to do about it. 

The husband just sat there, watching football on TV, and grunted. The wife became 
hysterical, and insisted on knowing why he didn't go down to the shop and punch the rude 
salesman right in the nose. 

"Well", the husband replied, "There are three reasons I won't punch that guy in the nose. 
First of all, you shouldn't have even been shopping for shoes, since you have a whole 
wardrobe full of them. Secondly, you have no business going shopping with no knickers on. 
But most of all, I'm not going to punch anyone who's big enough to eat that much ice cream!"



A man was feeling very depressed and walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch. As 
the bartender poured him the drink he remarked "That's quite a heavy drink. What's wrong?" 

After quickly downing his drink, the man replied "I got home and found my wife in bed 
with my best friend." 

"Wow" exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second triple. "No wonder you needed 
a stiff drink. The second triple is on the house." 

As the man downed his second triple scotch, the bartender asked him "What did you do?" 

"I walked over to my wife" the man replied "looked her straight in the eye and told her 
that we were through and to pack her stuff and to get the hell out." 

"That makes sense" said the bartender, "but what about your best friend?" 

The man replied, "I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said 'BAD DOG!'" 



These two convicts were about to be executed. The Warden says to the first one "Do you 
have a last request?" 

The convict says "Yes. I'd like to hear Achy Breaky Heart one last time." 

The Warden says "OK, I think we can arrange that." Then he says to the second convict 
"How about you? Last request?" 

The second convict says "Yeah. Kill me first." 




Ronald Reagan, George Bush, John Major and Bill Clinton went to see the Wizard of Oz. 
Bush spoke first and said, "Everyone says I have no compassion or feelings, I wish to 
have a Heart". So the Wizard said,"So be it". 

Second was Reagan. He said to the Wiz, "People think I'm unintelligent and have no 
commonsense...I wish to have a Brain". The Wizard said, "So be it". 

Third was John Major. "People say I have no confidence and I lack conviction...I wish to 
have some Courage". The Wizard obliged. 

Finally Clinton approached the Wizard. The Wizard looked at him, and said, "Well, what do 
you want?" 

To which Clinton replied, "Nothing, I'm here for Dorothy!" 



Bill Clinton was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. He picked 
it up and rubbed it and lo-and-behold a real Genie appeared. Bill was amazed and asked if 
he got three wishes. The Genie said, "Nope...not these days...I'm only giving out 1 wish 
because of inflation. So...what'll be?" 

Bill didn't hesitate. He said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want 
these countries to stop fighting with each other." 

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, man! These countries have been at 
war for thousands of years. I'm good but I'm not THAT good. I don't think it can be done. 
So make another wish." 

Bill thought for a minute and said, "You know, people really don't like my wife. They 
think she's a real bitch and ugly as sin. I wish for her to be the most beautiful woman 
in the world and I want everybody to like her. That's what I want." 

The Genie thought for a minute and said, "Hhhmmm. Let me see that map again." 



Bill Clinton calls up Queen Elizabeth. 

He says, "The USA is so great, and I'm so popular, I think I'll call the USA a kingdom." 
"But, Bill, You're not a king." 
""Hmmm, how about an empire, then?" 
"But, Bill. You're not an emperor. 
"OK, maybe a principality." 
"But, Bill. You're not a prince." 
"What should I call it then?" 
"Call it a country." 



A farmer owns this cow who keeps crapping all over his paddocks. It starts to get so 
bad that he has to move all the other animals to other areas because the fields are 
full of shit. Months go by and he has no space left so totally frantic he goes to the 
corner shop and orders an ACME industrial strength plug. On arrival he plugs the cow's 
arse, smiling that his troubles are over. 

Further months go by and the cow starts to get bigger and bigger. In fact, it is so large 
it takes up eight paddocks. The farmer scratches his head and wonders what to do. 
Fortunately a travelling circus spots the cow and makes the farmer an offer so they can 
display it to the world in the freak show. 

After further month's of huge success the cow is one class act, and has become bloody 
enormous. Anyway in the circus is a troop of monkeys that pull corks from bottles and 
make music. 

The monkeys have been obsessed with the cow since it arrived and one day decide to give 
the unplugging task a go. With all their might the monkeys heave ho on the plug and it 
starts to budge. Finally the last monkey - the troop leader, takes an almighty grip and 
yanks.. 

WOOSH..... all the shit floods out! The only man not in ithe fallout zone is a climber 
at the top of the nearest hillside and he's knee deep and laughing his head off. The ring 
master of the circus, floats to the top of the shit heap and sees the climber and shouts 
"What are you laughing for?". 

The climber replies "You should have seen the monkey trying to put the cork back in". 



A guy comes home from the pub one night and arrives home to find a small panda sitting 
on his doorstep looking at him forlornly. 

"Ah, poor little fella, come on in." says the guy. 

The panda follows him in and as soon as the door is closed it rushes to the fridge, opens 
it and starts guzzling all the food. In about five seconds flat it has cleaned the firdge 
out. 

It runs to the sofa and begins masturbating furiously. The guy watches in disgust as the 
panda pops its fat all over his sofa, opens a window, jumps out and runs off down the 
street. 

The guy starts wondering about this strange behavior and looks up 'panda' in his 
encyclopedia. The definition is 'Small bear-like creature which eats shoots and leaves'. 



There was this parrot that lived in a monastary and enjoyed cursing. Each time he cursed 
the monk would threaten to punish him. One day when the old monk passed by the parrot 
screamed, "Fuck You!" 

Angry, the monk grabbed the bird and shoved him in the freezer for 5 minutes. When he was 
released, the tropical bird swore that he would never do it again. 

A couple of days had passed, the bird couldn't hold it in any longer and started to curse 
at a group of monks passing by. Embarrassed in front of his colleagues, the monk shoved 
the bird in the freezer again, this time for an hour. When he was released, the bird swore 
that he had really learned his lesson. 

A week later, the monk walked up to the bird and reminded him of his promise. The monk 
said that a high priest was coming for a visit and the bird ought to be on his best 
behavior. The parrot agreed. But when the parrot saw the high-priest with a shining bald 
head, the bird had to make a comment, "Ha-ha-ha! Look at that bald dickhead! Fuck You! 
Fuck You!" 

The monk rushed forward and shoved the animal in the freezer. Three hours later he was 
released. 

"Well, have you truly learned your lesson?" asked the monk. 

"BBBBBefore IIIIII answer that, may, may I ask youuuuu something?" responded the frozen 
bird. 

"Of course." said the monk. 

"WWWhat the fuckin' HELL did the turkey do to have to stay there for so long?" 



A magician was working in the lounge on a cruise ship, and every night, the captain of 
the ship would come in with his pet parrot and watch the act. The parrot seemed 
particularly fascinated by the magician's tricks and started watching them very closely. 

One night the magician took the stage and announced, "Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, I 
will saw this lovely woman in half right before your eyes!" 

"*Craaawk!*", said the parrot, "It's a fake! *whistle* he's got fake legs coming out the 
other side of the box!" The crowd roared, and the magician was less than amused. 

"OK then, I will do a different trick", announced the magician, "Pick a card, madam, and 
I will tell you which card you have chosen." 

"*Craaawk*! They're all the same cards!" answered the parrot! 

This heckling continued for several weeks, and was completely ruining the magician's act, 
and needless to say, the magician grew to hate this bird, but he couldn't harm it, since 
it was the captain's pet. 

One night after a particularly bad show, the magician was walking on the upper deck of the 
ship when a huge explosion ripped through the bottom decks of the ship. The magician jumped 
into a lifeboat and dropped to safety. As he watched the ship sink, the captain's parrot 
flew out from the ship and landed in his lifeboat. 

Several days passed without a word between the magician and the parrot, the magician just 
glared at the bird, and the bird just kept looking in the direction of the sunken ship. 
Finally, the parrot broke down... 

"*Craaawk!* OK, Mate! What did you do with the ship!!??" 


An eskimo drops his snowmobile at a garage and asks the mechanic to take a look at it 
because he's getting a lot of smoke coming out of the exhaust. He says he'll come back 
after lunch. 

The eskimo returns an hour later and the mechanic says, "It looks as if you've blown a 
seal." 

The eskimo wipes his mouth and says, "No, it's just a bit of mayonaise."



Two dogs were waiting with their owners at the vets. One dog said to the other, "What 
are you here for?" 

The other replied, "Well, I live with a large family and the kids were playing a little 
too rough with me so I bit one of them. Now they want to get me castrated." 

"Thats awful!" 

"Yeah, tell me about it. What are you in for?" 

"I live with a single woman and she was out working in her garden bent over in a really 
short skirt and I mounted her on the spot." 

"So you're here to get castrated too?" 

"No, she just wants my nails clipped." 



A vicar once had a pet parrot. He took him to church every Sunday and the bird would help 
lead the choir. The parrot was a model pet most of the time, but he had some serious 
problems on the side. 

You see, he liked to fuck chickens. The vicar kept telling him to stop it or he would shave 
the bird's head. Well the parrot didn't listen and after several warnings the vicar got out 
the clippers and shaved the bird's head completely. 

That Sunday in church, it was business as usual, the vicar was dividing the church members 
up for the hymns. 

"All you ladies, come over here," said the vicar, "and all you gentlemen, please stand over 
there." 

About this time, a bald man walked by in front of the bird, to which the parrot said, "And 
all you chicken fuckers over here beside me!" 



There was this parrot. It was a very intelligent parrot and knew about 150 words, 
including its address and phone number in case it got lost. Now one day this parrot was 
very bored. The owner had gone out to work, so the parrot didn't know what to do with 
itself. 

Suddenly it sees the telephone. Now it has seen its owner use the phone, so it jumps down, 
knocks the reciever off and dials a number. To the parrot's surprise it makes a buzzing 
noise. Suddenly someone anwers saying "Hello, John's concrete. Would you like some 
concrete?" 

"Yes", replies the parrot. 
"How much concrete would you like?" asks John. 
"45" 
"45 tons?" 
"Yes" 

The parrot then rattles of the address. About 5 O'clock the owner gets home and sees 
concrete everywhere. It's on his prize roses, on his lawn, on the garden gnome. 

"That BLOODY parrot" curses the owner and he goes and nails each of its wings to the front 
door, forcing it to look at the mess it has made. After two days it's Sunday and there is 
a church across the road. The parrot suddenly looks up and sees the staue of Jesus with the 
sun shining upon it. 

"Hello" the parrot says. 
"Hello my son" a voice from the heavens says. 
"How long have you been up there?" 
"Almost TWO THOUSAND years" 
"SHIT you must of ordered a lot of concrete!!" 



A farmer was in the pub bragging about his pig. 

"That animal saved my life twice" he said. "Once I fell into the river and he jumped in 
and dragged me to the bank. Another time my house caught on fire and he ran in and saved
me, the wife and kids." 

The farmer passes around a picture of the miraculous animal. One of the guys notices the 
pig is missing a leg. 

"Which accident did the pig lose its leg in?" he asks. 

"Neither. An animal like that you don't eat all at once" 



These two statues of lovers stood in the park for decades, so one day the Goddess of 
Love comes to earth and puts life into the two saying "You've been model examples over 
the years, now you can have 30 minutes of life - do whatever you wish". 

So the two run off behind the bushes from which there's a lot of giggling and laughing, 
after about 15 minutes the two emerge from the bushes. 

The Goddess reminds them that they've still got 15 minutes of life left. So the two 
look at each other, and the man says "Ok, now you hold the pigeon down while I shit on 
its head!" 



In the old Wild West, a Eastern newspaper correspondent had just arrived in a new Western 
town when he noticed a curious lack of women. Walking into the local saloon he asked a 
cowboy, "What do you fellas do around here for entertainment?" 

"Ya mean women?" asked the cowboy. "We ain't got none. 'Round here folks fuck sheep." 

"That's disgusting," cried the correspondent, "I've never heard of such moral degredation." 

However, after a few months, the correspondent's balls were beginning to ache and the 
sheep were looking more and more attractive. So he finally went out and found himself a 
comely sheep, brought her back to his room, shampooed her and then tied ribbons in her 
hair. After a bottle of champagne, he lured the sheep into his bedchamber and released 
his pent-up frustrations. 

Afterward, he escorted his four-legged lover to the saloon for a drink. As the 
correspondent and his wooly mate entered, a hush fell over the patrons and the anxious 
couple became the object of many stares. 

"You goddamn bunch of hypocrites!" the reporter yelled. "You've been fucking sheep for 
years, but when I do it up right you look at me like I'm some sort of crazy pervert!" 

One cowboy spoke up, "Yeah, but that's the sheriff's gal!" 



A Cub Scout leader took his Cub Scouts out for a field trip one day. They went into the 
city centre to see the sights. When they came to the first crossing the red man was 
flashing and they had to wait. 

The leader looked over the crowd of kids and noticed just off the curb there were a couple 
of dogs mating. He gathered the kids up quickly and scooted them across the street hoping 
that none had noticed or would say anything. 

Needless to say one of the younger boys spoke up loudly, "What are those two dogs doing?" 
Turning a little red, the leaderr thought quickly and replied "Well, you see that dog on 
the top has a hurt paw and the one on the bottom is helping him home." 

The little boy took it at that and said nothing more. Proud of himself for his witty answer 
the leader took the boys further into the city. At the back of the group were a couple of 
the older ones in the group. One poked the other and says "I think dogs are a lot like 
humans. You try to help one out and he will fuck you every time." 



There is a really young, strong healthy cockrel. This cockrel is out shagging the chickens 
3 or 4 times a day. When they get tired out, he goes after the ducks down at the pond, the 
sheep and the farm cats. In fact he will shag anything that moves. It seems he just can't 
get enough. 

Then, one morning, the farmer walks out to his yard to see the poor cockrel sprawled out 
in the mud. "Hmmm, I wonder what happened to this poor bird", giving him a bit of a nudge 
with his boot. 

Just then he sees the cockrel's eyes open slightly, and it points up with one wing saying 
"shhhhh, vultures..." 



A farmer bought a new young cockrel to replace the old, decrepit one. It walked up to the 
tired old cockrel and told him to get out. 

The old cockrel said, "Look, Son. You should give me a chance. Maybe we could have a race." 

The young cockrel says, "That's OK with me. I could outrun you with both legs tied 
together." 

"Well," said the old cockrel, "could you give me maybe ten yards headstart?" 

The young cockrel just sneered and said, "Why not?" 

So off they went, and the young cockrel was catching up fast. Then suddenly, BANG! BANG! 
The young cockrel fell dead. The farmer came around the house, his smoking gun in his 
handand said "Damn! That's the fourth queer cockrel I've had to shoot this month." 



It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to go to the zoo. They spent 
the day there, and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage. The the man noticed 
the gorilla was looking at his wife. 

"That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your tits," he said, "Why don't you take 
your blouse off and we'll see what he does?" 

At first she declined, but finally persuaded by her husband, she took off her blouse and 
bra. The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down. 

"Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind. Take off all your clothes and we'll 
see what he does". 

Again she said no and again he persuaded her. This time the ape really went insane! He 
climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food all 
over the cage. The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in. 

"Now," said the husband, "try telling HIM you have a headache!" 



A zebra was visiting a farm. "Hi," she said to the rooster. "What do you do here?" 

"I make sure everyone gets up on time for a nice early start on the day," he replied. 

"How about you?" she asked a cow. "I supply the farmer and his family with fresh milk, 
so they can make butter and cheese," the cow said. 

"And what's your job on the farm?" the zebra asked a stallion. "Get out of those fancy 
striped pajamas," he answered, "and I'll show you." 




A woman takes her husband to the doctor as he had recently been acting quite ill. The 
doctor examined the man and called the woman in to tell her the diagnosis. 

The doctor says, "Well, Madam, he's either got AIDS or Alzheimers." 

The lady replied, "How can I tell which one he has?" 

"Take him out into the woods and drop him off. If he comes home, don't fuck him." 



A lady was in the delivery room starting to deliver her baby. As the head came out it 
was dark and had an afro. The doctor said, "Madam, have you ever slept with a black man?" 

"Well, yes, but only once." 
"Once is all it takes" he replied. 

Then the torso came out and it was yellow. 

"Madam, have you ever slept with an oriental man?" "Well, yes" she said, "but only once." 
"Once is all it takes," he said. 

When the legs came out they were red. The doctor asked her if she had ever slept with an 
Indian. 

"Well, yes" she said, "but only once." 
"Once is all it takes," he said. 

He finally pulled the baby all the way out and held it upside down and slapped its bottom 
to make it cry. As it started to cry the woman exclaimed "Oh, thank God, at least it 
doesn't bark!" 


A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist 
asked "Yes, Sir. May we help you?" 

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied. 

The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office 
and say things like that." 

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you." he said. 

"We do not use language like that here," she said. "Please go outside and come back in 
and say that there's something wrong with your ear or whatever." 

The man walked out, waited several minutes and re-entered. The receptionist smiled 
smugly and asked, "Yes?" 

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. 

The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?" 

"I can't piss out of it." the man replied. 



A very frightened first-time mother in a crowded maternity ward was starting her first 
contractions. She looked over and saw an older woman also showing signs of labour and 
said "I'm so scared...this is really going to hurt isn't it?" 

The experienced woman said, "It isn't so bad when you know what to expect, I've had 5 
babies and..." 

"Well what can I expect?" interrupted the anxious young woman. 

"I'll tell you...take your lip and pull it out like this." She showed the young girl, her 
lower lip extended away from her mouth. 

The young girl pulls her lower lip away from her mouth a bit and says "Why, that doesn't 
hurt a bit!" 

The experienced woman says "Now you take it and pull it right over your head. That's what 
childbirth feels like!" 



Maria had been wanting a child for years, and now it was finally time for her to give 
birth! 

"Come on, Darling, push!," bellowed the midwife. So Maria pushed, and pushed. It wasn't 
easy, but eventually out popped the baby. 

Maria, barely able to contain her happiness, began to reach for the child that was resting 
in the hands of the midwife, when suddenly, much to her absolute horror, the midwife 
started swinging the baby about by the umbilical cord, like a cowboy's lasso. Then the mad 
midwife, holding the child by the feet, started banging the baby's head against the skull 
against floor. 

"My GOD!!! My BABY, MY BABY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY BELOVED BABY, YOU INSANE BITCH???!," 
screamed Maria. 

"Ha ha ha ha ha! April fool! It was dead already!" 



"Doctor, I've had problems with silent gas emissions. At home, work, or at church I get 
lots of silent gas emissions. As a matter of fact I've had three sitting here talking to 
you. What are we going to do?" 

"The first thing we're going to do is check your hearing" 



An army Major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks 
"What's your problem, Soldier?" 
"Chronic syphillis, Sir" 
"What treatment are you getting?" 
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day." 
"What's your ambition?" 
"To get back to the front, Sir." 
"Good man." says the Major. 

He goes to the next bed. 
"What's your problem, Soldier?" 
"Chronic piles, Sir" 
"What treatment are you getting?" 
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day." 
"What's your ambition?" 
"To get back to the front, Sir." 
"Good man." says the Major. 

He goes to the next bed. 
"What's your problem, Soldier?" 
"Chronic gum disease, Sir" 
"What treatment are you getting?" 
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day." 
"What's your ambition?" 
"To get the wire brush beforer the other two, Sir" 


A man enters in a doctor's room and says "I've been told you have discovered a machine 
that can lower one's IQ. I am very interested in it, since I have no success with women. 
They all think I am too boring when I try to have a conversation with them. My actual IQ 
is around 250, and I'd like to have it down to 120." 

"Well," says the doctor, "if you really want that, there's no problem. Just sit in this 
chair and put this bowl on your head." 

The doctor then pushes a button. The IQ starts to drop 250, 230, 200, 150, 120. At this 
moment, the doctor tried to push the stop button, but it was stuck! 

Down goes the IQ 99, 90, 80, 70. He tries again and again, but it remains stuck. 

The IQ drops 40, 30, 20, 10, 7, 5, 2. 

He finally succeeds. The man removes the bowl, stands up, looks at the doctor, walks 
around the machine and finally asks the doctor "Right, Sir. Do you have your papers for 
this vehicle ?" 



Harry had been experiencing a tremendous pain on the bridge of his nose for months. He 
said it was a "pain so bad it'd drive you mad." 

Not being able to stand it any longer, he finally went to the doctor. After numerous 
tests the doctor said the only way to relieve the pain was to remove his balls. 

"Are you sure?" Harry asked the doctor. 

"I'm positive," he replied, "your pain will go away immediately after the operation." 

Reluctantly Harry arrived into the hospital, focusing on getting rid of the pain that 
was driving him mad. The procedure was performed and sure enough, as soon as Harry woke 
up, he knew the pain was gone. He felt so good after his release, after all those months 
of constant pain, he decided to buy a new wardrobe to celebrate. 

He headed downtown to an experienced haberdasher recommended by a friend. The owner, Max, 
greeted him warmly at the door and escorted him to the men's clothing department. 

"So Harry, you came to just the right place for a new wardrobe. I've been in this business 
for 42 years now and I'll make you look astonishingly well dressed." 

Stepping back to size up his customer, Max says, "Let's see, you're a 44 long, trousers 
are a 33 inside leg, size 16 neck, and a 35 sleeve. Am I right?" 

"Amazing," says Harry, "what about the rest?" 

"Well, I'd say you take a size 11 shoe, size 7 hat, and large in both t-shirts and boxers." 

"I'm impressed," says Harry, but you're wrong about the boxers. I wear briefs in a medium." 

"Harry, I'm telling you, I've been in this business for 42 years and I know you're a large 
in boxers," croons Max. 

"You may have been at this a long time," says Harry, "but I'm telling you that I've been 
wearing medium Jockey briefs ever since I was a teenager." 

Perplexed, Max says, "Harry, believe me, if a guy your size wore medium briefs for that 
long, they'd pinch your gonads so much it'd give you a pain across the bridge of your nose 
so bad it would drive you mad." 



A husband and wife noticed that their little boy's penis was a little too small so they 
took him to the doctor. They expressed their concerns to the doctor. The doctor said to 
feed the little boy lots of toast. 

The next morning, the wife gets up really early and makes a huge stack of toast. When the 
little boy comes down to breakfast, the mother says," Take the top two slices. The rest 
are for your father." 



After his annual physical, the sexually active bachelor was waiting in the doctor's office 
for the results. 

"Well," said the doctor, "I have good news and bad news for you." 

"The way I feel, please give me the good news first" replied the bachelor. 

"The good news," announced the doctor, "is that your penis has grown an additional four 
inches since your last examination". 

"Great!" the man shouted. "What is the bad news?" 

"It's malignant," replied the doctor. 



Two friends go on a hike in the desert and one of them gets bitten on the dick by a 
poisonous snake. He asks his friend to go back to the nearest town and ask the local 
doctor to help him. 

The friend runs down to the local doctor and tells him his friend was bitten by a 
poisonous snake. The doctor tells the friend to suck the poison out. 

The friend returns to the guy who was bitten. 

"So what did the Doctor say?" 

"You're going to die." 



There was once a man that stuttered uncontrollably and he loved his wife dearly. He had 
a huge dick and his wife asked him to have it surgically shortened. "W-w-w-why?" he asked, 
to which his wife replied, "because dear, it makes sex nearly unbearable - it's too big." 

The guy turns up to his appointment with his doctor and announces that he wishes to have 
his dick shortened. "How much would you like it shortened by?" asked the doctor, 
"f-f-f-f-five inches." replied the man. 

Two weeks later the man is released from hospital after having the operation and to his 
and his wife's astonishment, he could speak fluently without even a hint of a stutter. 
They were overjoyed to say the least. However, some weeks later after finally having sex 
again, the man's wife was now dissatisfied with the performance of her husband's resized 
penis and asked him if he could make an appointment with the doctor again to have the 
severed part sewed back on. 

Being such a loyal husband, he obliged. The next day he arrived at the surgery, greeted 
the doc, sat down and said "Doc, I want the rest of my dick back. Can you do that?" 

To which the doc replied, "N-n-n-n-no f-f-f-ucking ch-ch-ch-chance!" 



As part of their "ranch" holiday, a guy takes his wife hunting. When they reach their 
deer blinds, the guy says, "If you shoot a deer, be sure you don't let anybody else say 
he's the one who shot it. Otherwise, he'll take the deer from you. The deer belongs to 
whoever shoots it." 

The guy goes to his own blind. Ten minutes later, he hears his wife shooting from her 
blind nearby. He rushes over and finds her pointing her rifle at a cowboy who's shouting, 
"OK, lady, OK! You can have the goddamn deer! Just lemme get my saddle off it!" 



A hunter goes up into the woods at the start of the hunting season, planning to get 
himself a bear. He stalks through the woods, until he comes across a set of bear tracks. 
Following them he sees they lead into the bear's den. 

Being a prudent man he knows that if he misses with his rifle he could just wound the 
animal and enrage it. To avoid having to face an angry bear he takes up a position about 
fifty yards from the entrance to give himself some running space and settles down to wait. 

After about fifteen minutes there is a rustling sound and a big brown bear wanders out of 
the den. The hunter draws a bead on it and fires. The bear falls backwards over a log and 
out of sight. 

The hunter runs over to the log but the bear has disappeared! Suddenly, it jumps up behind 
him, bends him over the log and fucks him up the arse. It then takes his rifle, breaks it i
n two and wanders off. 

Humiliated, the hunter wipes himself down, and goes back to the nearest town. He goes to 
the gun shop and buys a big powerful gun which the owner promises him will fell an elephant. 

The hunter goes back to the woods and lies in wait for the bear. After a while the bear 
comes back to his den. The hunter aims and fires, BANG! The bear falls over the log, and 
the hunter approches warily. 

When he gets to the log he just can't believe it. The bear has disappeared again. Suddenly 
he is enclosed in a huge bear-hug, bent over the log and fucked up the back passage once 
again. 

This time he is really angry and he rushes back to the gun shop and buys an anti-tank 
rocket launcher, meaning to obliterate the bear. Back in the woods he sets it up and waits 
for the bear. 

The bear appears and the hunter fires his rocket launcher. A huge explosion shakes the 
woods and the hunter, satisfied that nothing could have lived, walks over to find the 
body. 

As he approaches the smoking log, the bear rises up behind him, taps him on the shoulder 
and says, "Son, you're not here for the hunting, are you?" 



A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. 
What happened, you look terrible!" 

"What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine." 

The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before." 

"Well," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the 
surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really." 

"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both 
hands." 

"Well," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was 
in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and 
I feel great, really." 

"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had 
both eyes." 

"Well," says the pirate, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the 
ship. I looked up, and one of them shat in my eye." 

"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from some 
bird shit!" 

"Well," says the pirate, "I really wasn't used to the hook yet." 



A vicar wanted to sell some Bibles, so he put an ad in the paper. Three guys showed up. 
To the first one, he said, "You have any selling experience?" 

The guy said, "Yeah, I used to sell cars." 
He said, "That's great. You can do it. You've got the job." 
To the next guy, he said, "What about you?" 
The guy said, "I used to sell ladies' shoes." 
"Okay, you've got the job." 
To the third guy, he said, "What about you?" 
"I-I-I-I used to s-s-s-sell t-t-t-t-tv's." 
He said, "Well, I don't know." 
The guy said, "P-P-P-Please, I n-n-need the j-j-j-j-j-job! I'll w-w-w-w-work real hard!" 
He said, "Well, OK." 
Three weeks later, he called them back and said, "Well, how'd you do?" 
The first guy said, "I did really well. I sold £ 50 worth of Bibles!" 
He said, "Great!" 
To the second guy , he said, "Well, how about you?" 
"I sold a £ 100 worth of Bibles!" 
He looked at the third guy and thought, "Oh, boy." Then he said, "Well how about you?" 
The guy said, "I s-s-s-s-sold t-t-t-t-t-wo hundred and f-f-f-f-fifty pounds' worth of 
Bibles!" 
"How on earth did you do that?" asked the vicar. 
"Well, y-y-y-y-you said to h-h-h-h-have a p-p-p-p-plan." 
The vicar asked, "What was it?" 
"If they weren't s-s-s-s-sure if they w-w-w-w-wanted to buy it or not, I t-t-t-t-told them 
I would be g-g-g-glad to r-r-r-read to them!" 



There is this guy who lost an eye in a fight. He looks like a freak without it and goes 
to a doctor who recommends a glass replacement. The guy cannot afford one so the doctor 
fits one made one out of wood which is cheaper. However, hee becomes really self conscious 
about it and becomes a bit of a recluse. One day a friend gets him out to a bar. He sees 
everyone dancing and wants to join in. 

He sees a chick with a hunchback standing around and thinks "Well, no one else is asking 
her to dance and she is worse off than me so I'll ask." 

He goes up to her and says, "Want to dance?" 

She looks really excited and says, "Would I!" 

The guy says "Wood eye! Wood eye! Well fuck you, hunchback!" 



An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman shipwrecked on an island with a tribe of 
cannibals. All three are told by the cannibals that they will be cooked and eaten, and 
canoes will then be made out of their skins. 

The Englishman is asked if he has any last requests. He says, "Yes, I'd like a knife." 
He is given a knife, which he uses to slit his throat as he shouts, "Long live the Queen!" 

The Scotsman then has the opportunity to make a last request. He, too asks for a knife and 
slits his throat, as he cries, "Scotland forever!!" 

The Irishman is then asked for his last request. He responds, "I'd like a fork, please." 
The natives are a little confused, but comply. 

Suddenly the Irishman stabs himself repeatedly with the fork, shouting, "You're not making 
a bloody canoe out of me!" 



St Peter gets fed up with standing at the pearly gates and giving or denying access to 
Heaven. Jesus offers to take over. A man comes up to him. 

"I'm looking for my son." he says 
"And who are you" says Jesus 
"I'm his Father; well not really." says the man 
"What do you do?" asks Jesus 
"I'm a carpenter; well not really" says the man 
"And does your son have holes in his hands and feet?" asks Jesus excitedly. 
"He does!" shouts the man 
"DADDY!" shouts Jesus 
"PINNOCHIO!" shouts Geppetto 



Jesus and Moses were sitting on a bench in heaven, remembering the good old days. They 
talked about what they used to be able to do and wondered if they still had their old 
tricks in them. 

So, they decided to go see if they still had extra-wordly powers like they had so many 
years before. The pair went to the Red Sea and Moses raised his hands and parted the sea 
just like he had when he was much much younger. 

Jesus, clearly amazed, asked Moses, "There's so much that I did, but what could I do now 
to see if I still have the power?" 

"Walk on water like the good old days," replied Moses. 

So Jesus kicked off his sandals and stepped into the water. He took three steps on the 
surface and then sank under the murky waters of the Red Sea. Dumbfounded, he looked at 
Moses and wondered what was the matter. 

"Must be those fucking holes in your feet," Moses responded. 




A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert when their camel keeled over dead. 
They prayed a lot, but after several days they gave up hope of being rescued. 

Finally the priest said to the nun, "You know, Sister, I am about to die, and there's 
always been one thing I've been curious about - what a woman looks like naked. Would you 
take off your clothes?" 

The nun thought about it for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes. As 
she was doing so, she remarked, "Well, Father, now that I think about it, I've never seen 
a man naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?" 

With a little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun exclaimed, "Father! 
What is that thing hanging between your legs?" 

The priest patiently answered, "That, Sister, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it 
creates a new life." 

"Well, for God's sake!" responded the nun, "Forget about me. Stick it in the damn camel 
and let's get out of here!" 



A Catholic, a Mormon and an Arab were playing golf and bragging about their families. 

The Catholic boasted that he had 4 kids, his wife was pregnant and soon he would have his 
own basketball team. 

The Mormon replied "That's nothing, we have 10 kids. One more and I'll have a football 
team!!! 

"You guys have no vision" declared the Arab. "I have 17 wives, one more and I'll have my 
own golf course!" 



Arthur was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally 
feeling good about himself, when a Nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying 
the evils of drink. 

"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of 
the Devil!" 

Arthur gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive. 

"How do you know Sister?" 

"My Mother Superior told me so!" 

"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is 
right?" 

"Don't be ridiculous - of course I have never taken alcohol myself." 

"Then let me buy you a drink, - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will 
give up drink for life." 

"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!" 

"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, them no-one will know." 

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so Arthur goes inside to the bar. 

"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says 
to the barman "...and could you put the vodka in a teacup?" 

"Oh no! It's not that bloody Nun again is it?" 



When Nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make 
one last confession before they become angels. 

Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before 
they are made holy. 

"And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?" 

"Well," says the first Nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of 
my finger." 

"OK" says St. Peter, "Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven." 

The next Nun admits that "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of 
massaged one a bit." 

"OK" says St. Peter, "Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven." 

Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front. 

"Well now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter. 

"Well, your excellency," says the Nun who is trying to improve her position in line, "If 
I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks 
her arse in it." 



There was a country boy who comes down to town and stays too long in the pub, ending up 
pissed as a rat. On leaving he walks down the road and bumps in to a nun who was standing 
outside her church. 

The boy turns on the nun throwing her to the ground and flailing at her with both hands 
kicking and wrestling with her. The patrons of the pub hear the fight and come running 
outside and drag him off the Nun. 

As he is being taken away he yells out, "Shit! I thought you would be tougher than that, 
Batman!" 



A punk gets on a crowded bus one day with the only seat left being next to a beautiful 
nun. The punk, being a bit of an opportunist, sits down next to her and says, "Hey, how 
about a shag?" 

The nun is shocked, yet calmly says, "I'm sorry, young man, but I am saving myself for 
the Lord Jesus Christ". 

The punk replies, "That Jesus Christ stuff is bullshit. Come on, how about it?" 

Again the nun calmly says, "I'm sorry, I'm saving myself for the Lord Jesus Christ." 

This novel conversation continues until the nun reaches her stop and gets off, despite 
the punk's desperate pleading. The bus continues until it reaches the station where it 
terminates. As the punk is getting off the bus the bus driver says to him, "Hey, I 
noticed you were trying to get off with that nun." 

"Yeah", the punk replied, "but she wouldn't go for it." 

"Well, I happen to know that she prays at this temple in the park every night at 10pm. 
All you have to do is dress up as the Lord Jesus Christ and she will do anything for you." 

"Hey, great idea." says the punk and off he races to buy a fake beard, wig, and loin cloth. 

That night the punk arrives at the temple in the park at 10pm and sure enough the nun is 
praying. He quickly dons the wig, beard and loin cloth and approaches the nun. 

"Greetings..." the punk says. 

The nun looks up in amazement. "Oh my goodness, the Lord Jesus Christ, I would do anything 
for you." 

"OK, how about a shag." 

The nun replies, "Well, OK, but I'm afraid it's that time of the month so you'll have to 
do me up the back passage." 

The punk, being an opportunist, says "That's fine!" and begins with his business. After 
the event the punk decides to surprise the nun and quickly pulls off his beard, wig and 
loin cloth, saying "Ha ha, I'm the punk!" 

The nun, pulling off her habit, replies, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!" 



Sister Catherine was asking all the Catholic school children in what they want to be when 
they grow up. Little Sheila says, "When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!" 

Sister Catherine's eyes grow wide and she barked, "What did you say?!" 

"A prostitute!" Sheila repeated. 

Sister Catherine breathed a sight of relief and said, "Thank God! I thought you said a 
Protestant" 



     For the first time in, oh, a decade, I think, something from Microsoft
     shipped on time: Jennifer Katharine Gates, weighed 8 pounds 6 ounces,
     when she was downloaded, er, born on Friday, April 26 at 6:11 p.m.
    
     And what do Baby Gates and Daddy's products have in common?
    
     1.  Neither can stand on its own two feet without a LOT of third party
         support.
    
     2.  Both barf all over themselves _regularly_.
    
     3.  Regardless of the problem, calling Microsoft Tech Support won't
         help.
    
     4.  As they mature, we pray that they will be better than that which
         preceeded them.
    
     5.  At first release they're relatively compact, but they seem to grow
         and grow and grow with each passing year.
    
     6.  Although announced with great fanfare, pretty much anyone could
         have produced one.
    
     7.  They arrive in shaky condition with inadequate documentation.
    
     8.  No matter what, it takes several months between the announcement
         and the actual release.
    
     9.  Bill gets the credit, but someone else did most of the work.
    
     10. For at least the next year, they'll suck.



A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Why the long face?" 


A sandwich walks into a bar and asks for a pint of beer. The bartender says "Sorry, we 
don't serve food." 


A guys into a bar and asks the bartender if he wants to hear a dumb jock joke. 

The bartender says, "The guy in the corner is a profession wrestler. The guy in the other 
corner is a prize fighter. This guy next to you is a professional hockey play. I played 
football for 5 years. Now, do you STILL want to tell your dumb jock joke?" 

The guy says, "No. I don't want to have to explain it 4 times." 


Woman walks into a bar with a dog under her arm 

barman - Where'd you get the pig? 
woman - That's not a pig, it's a dog! 
barman - I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to the dog. 


A young man truly in love with his girlfriend decided to have her name tattooed on his 
penis, her name was Wendy, and the tattoo was done while the penis was erect, so when 
it was not erect all you could see was W Y. Shortly after the couple was married they 
were honeymooning in Jamaica the man was in a bathroom in Jamaica, and standing next to 
him was a Jamaican man who also had a W Y on his penis. 

The American said to him "Oh is your girl named Wendy too?" 

The Jamaican replied, "No, Mon that says Welcome To Jamaica Have a Nice Day"



There was a gentleman living in a small village who unfortunately had a stomach disorder 
that required him to drink the milk of a nursing mother. Well there weren't too many women 
in the village nursing babies and even fewer who would agree to allow a grown man to suck 
on their breast. But low and behold, the poor man finally found a rather buxom young girl 
who recently had given birth who was willing to help him out -- for a price. The man was 
desparate because his condition was growing worse, so he agreed to pay the woman the amount 
of money she demanded. After all, the woman had a new born baby to care for and the father 
had abandoned them to their fate. 

The first day was a bit awkward as the man showed up and, with a bit of anxiety and 
embarrassment, leaned over and began to suck on the woman's breast. Well weeks went by and 
the awkwardness began to fade. 

One day, the woman realized that the man's sucking was beginning to arouse her sexually. 
It became almost unbearable and finally, in a sensuous voice, she said, "Is there anything 
else you'd like?" 

The man paused in his sucking for a moment and looked up at her. "Yeah," he said finally. 
"Can I have a cookie with my milk?"



Through the center of Czechoslovakia there's a train speeding along. In one compartment 
of the train there are four people. A beautiful vivacious young woman, an old matronly 
woman, a Russian soldier, and a Czech dissident. 

Suddenly the train goes through a tunnel. It is completely dark. Then is heard a loud 
kiss and an equally powerful slap. When the train exits the tunnel, the Russian soldier 
is holding the side of his face, and the Czech dissident is grinning his face off. 

The old matronly woman thinks : "Now that's a fine young woman, the Russian soldier tries 
to steal a kiss in the tunnel and the lady slaps him one!" 

The young woman is thinking : "Now that's a strange Russian soldier, he'd rather kiss that 
old hag than me." 

The Russian soldier is thinking : "Now that's a smart Czech, he steal the kiss and I get 
slapped." 

And the Czech dissident is thinking : "Gee I'm smart! We go through the tunnel, I kiss 
the back of my hand and get away with slapping a Russian soldier."


This women of forty, being a rather vain person, decided she needed a face lift. With her 
pocketbook as large as her ego, she went to several pastic surgeons before choosing the 
best money could buy. 

The doctor assured her that he could make her look young for many years because of a new 
technique he used. 

After the operation the doc told her that he had put a screw behind each ear that she could 
tighten as needed to keep her fresh young look. 

The woman was pleased for several years until one morning when she noticed bags under her 
eyes. Furiously she stormed into the doctor's office demanding to know why there where bags 
under her eyes. 

The doctor replied, "Lady those aren't bags, they're your tits, and if you don't stop 
turnning those screws you're going to have a beard!" 



A HELP DESK LOG
    
    Monday
    
    8:05am
    User called to say they forgot password.  Told them to use password
    retrieval utility called FDISK.  Blissfully ignorant, they thank me
    and hang up.  God, we let the people vote  and drive, too?
    
    8:12am
    Accounting called to say they couldn't access expense reports
    database.  Gave them Standard Sys Admin Answer #112, "Well, it
    works for me."  Let them rant and rave while I unplugged my
    coffee maker from the UPS and plugged their server back in.
    Suggested they try it again.  One more happy customer...
    
    8:14 am
    User from 8:05 call said they received error message "Error
    accessing Drive 0."  Told them it was an OS problem.  Transferred
    them to microsupport.
    
    11:00 am
    Relatively quiet for last few hours.  Decide to plug support phone
    back in so I can call my girlfriend.  Says parents are coming into
    town this weekend. Put her on hold and transferred her to
    janitorial closet down in basement. What is she thinking? The
    "Myst" and "Doom" nationals are this weekend!
    
    11:34 am
    Another user calls (do they ever learn?).  Says they want ACL
    changed on HR performance review database so that nobody but HR can
    access database. Tell them no problem.  Hang up.  Change ACL. Add
    @MailSend so performance reviews are sent to */US.
    
    12:00 pm
    Lunch
    
    3:30 pm
    Return from lunch.
    
    3:55 pm
    Wake up from nap.  Bad dream makes me cranky.  Bounce servers for
    no reason.  Return to napping.
    
    4:23 pm
    Yet another user calls.  Wants to know how to change fonts on form.
    Ask them what chip set they're using.  Tell them to call back when
    they find out.
    
    4:55 pm
    Decide to run "Create Save/Replication Conflicts" macro so next
    shift has something to do.
    
    
    Tuesday
    -------
    
    8:30 am
    Finish reading support log from last night.  Sounded busy.
    Terrible time with Save/Replication conflicts.
    
    9:00 am
    Support manager arrives.  Wants to discuss my attitude.  Click on
    PhoneNotes SmartIcon.  "Love to, but kinda busy.  Put something
    in the calendar database!"  I yell as I grab for the support lines,
    which have (mysteriously) lit up.  Walks away grumbling.
    
    9:35 am
    Team leader from R&D needs ID for new employee.  Tell them they
    need form J-19R=9C9\\DARR\K1.  Say they never heard of such a form. 
    Tell them it's in the SPECIAL FORMS database.  Say they never heard
    of such a database.  Transfer them to janitorial closet in
    basement.
    
    10:00 am
    Perky sounding intern from R&D calls and says she needs new ID.
    Tell her I need employee number, department name, manager name,
    and marital status.  Run @DbLookup against state parole board
    database, Centers for Disease Control database, and my Oprah
    Winfrey database.  No hits. Tell her ID will be ready tonight.
    Drawing from the lessons learned in last week's "Re-engineering for
    Customer Partnership," I offer to personally deliver ID to her
    apartment.
    
    10:07 am
    Janitor stops by to say he keeps getting strange calls in basement.
    Offer to train him on Notes.  Begin now.  Let him watch console
    while I grab a smoke.
    
    1:00 pm
    Return from smoking break.  Janitor says phones kept ringing, so
    he transferred them to cafeteria lady. I like this guy.
    
    1:05 pm
    Big commotion!  Support manager falls in hole left where I pulled
    floor tiles outside his office door.  Stress to him importance of
    not running in computer room, even if I do yell "Omigod -- Fire!"
    
    1:15 pm
    Development Standards Committee calls and complains about umlauts
    in form names.  Apologizing for the inconvenience, I tell them I
    will fix it.  Hang up and run global search/replace using gaks.
    
    1:20 pm
    Mary Hairnet from cafeteria calls.  Says she keeps getting calls
    for "Notice Loads" or "NoLoad Goats," she's not sure, couldn't
    hear over industrial-grade blender.  Tell her it was probably
    "Lettuce Nodes." Maybe the food distributor with a new product?
    She thinks about it and hangs up.
    
    2:00 pm
    Legal secretary calls and says she lost password.  Ask her to check
    in her purse, floor of car, and on bathroom counter.  Tell her it
    probably fell out of back of machine.  Suggest she put duct tape
    over all the air vents she can find on the PC. Grudgingly offer to
    create new ID for her while she does that.
    
    2:49 pm
    Janitor comes back.  Wants more lessons.  I take off rest of day.
    
    
    Wednesday
    ---------
    
    8:30 am
    Irate user calls to say chipset has nothing to do with fonts on
    form. Tell them Of course, they should have been checking "Bitset,"
    not "chipset." Sheepish user apologizes and hangs up.
    
    9:10 am
    Support manager, with foot in cast, returns to office.  Schedules
    10:00 am meeting with me.  User calls and wants to talk to support
    manager about terrible help at support desk.  Tell them manager
    about to go into meeting.  Sometimes life hands you material...
    
    10:05 am
    Call Louie in janitorial services to cover for me.  Go to support
    manager's office.  He says he can't dismiss me but can suggest
    several lateral career moves.  Most involve farm implements in
    third-world countries with moderate to heavy political turmoil.By
    and by, I ask if he's aware of new bug which takes full-text
    indexed random e-mail databases and puts all references to furry
    handcuffs and Bambi Boomer in Marketing on the corporate Web
    page.  Meeting is adjourned as he reaches for keyboard, Web
    browser, and Tums.
    
    10:30 am
    Tell Louie he's doing great job.  Offer to show him mainframe
    corporate PBX system sometime.
    
    11:00 am
    Lunch.
    
    4:55 pm
    Return from lunch.
    
    5:00 pm
    Shift change;  Going home.
    
    
    Thursday
    --------
    
    8:00 am
    New guy ("Marvin") started today.  "Nice plaids" I offer.  Show him
    server room, wiring closet, and technical library.  Set him up with
    IBM PC-XT. Tell him to quit whining, Notes runs the same in both
    monochrome and color.
    
    8:45 am
    New guy's PC finishes booting up.  Tell him I'll create new ID for
    him.  Set minimum password length to 64.  Go grab smoke.
    
    9:30 am
    Introduce Louie the custodian to Marvin.  "Nice plaids" Louie
    comments.  Is this guy great or what?!
    
    11:00 am
    Beat Louie in dominos game.  Louie leaves.  Fish spare dominos out
    of sleeves ("Always have backups").  User calls, says Accounting
    server is down.  Untie Ethernet cable from radio antenna (better
    reception) and plug back into hub.  Tell user to try again.
    Another happy customer!
    
    11:55 am
    Brief Marvin on Corporate Policy 98.022.01: "Whereas all new
    employee beginning on days ending in 'Y' shall enjoy all proper
    aspects with said corporation, said employee is obligated to
    provide sustenance and relief to senior technical analyst on
    shift."  Marvin doubts.  I point to "Corporate Policy" database
    (a fine piece of work, if I say so myself!).  "Remember, that's
    DOUBLE pepperoni and NO peppers!" I yell to Marvin as he steps
    over open floor tile to get to exit door.
    
    1:00 pm
    Oooooh!  Pizza makes me so sleepy...
    
    4:30 pm
    Wake from refreshing nap.  Catch Marvin scanning want ads.
    
    5:00 pm
    Shift change.  Flick HR's server off and on several times (just
    testing the On/Off button...).  See ya tomorrow.
    
    
    Friday
    ------
    8:00 am
    Night shift still trying to replace power supply in HR server.
    Told them it worked fine before I left.
    
    9:00 am
    Marvin still not here.  Decide I might start answering these
    calls myself. Unforward phones from Mailroom.
    
    
    9:02 am
    Yep.  A user call.  Users in Des Moines can't replicate.  Me and
    the Oiuji board determine it's sunspots.  Tell them to call
    Telecommunications.
    
    9:30 am
    Good God, another user!  They're like ants.  Says he's in San Diego
    and can't replicate with Des Moines.  Tell him it's sunspots, but
    with a two-hour difference.  Suggest he reset the time on the
    server back two hours.
    
    10:17 am
    Pensacola calls.  Says they can't route mail to San Diego.  Tell
    them to set server ahead three hours.
    
    11:00 am
    E-mail from corporate says for everybody to quit resetting the
    time on their servers.  I change the date stamp and forward it to
    Milwaukee.
    
    11:20 am
    Finish @CoffeeMake macro.  Put phone back on hook.
    
    11:23 am
    Milwaukee calls, asks what day it is.
    
    11:25 am
    Support manager stops by to say Marvin called in to quit.  "So
    hard to get good help..." I respond.  Support manager says he has
    appointment with orthopedic doctor this afternoon, and asks if I
    mind sitting in on the weekly department head meeting for him.
    "No problem!"
    
    11:30 am
    Call Louie and tell him opportunity knocks and he's invited to a
    meeting this afternoon.  "Yeah, sure.  You can bring your snuff"
    I tell him.
    
    12:00 am
    Lunch.
    
    1:00 pm
    Start full backups on UNIX server.  Route them to device NULL to
    make them fast.
    
    1:03 pm
    Full weekly backups done.  Man, I love modern technology!
    
    2:30 pm
    Look in support manager's contact management database.  Cancel
    2:45 pm appointment for him.  He really should be at home resting,
    you know.
    
    2:39 pm
    New user calls.  Says want to learn how to create a connection
    document. Tell them to run connection document utility
    CTRL-ALT-DEL. Says PC rebooted.  Tell them to call microsupport.
    
    2:50 pm
    Support manager calls to say mixup at doctor's office means
    appointment cancelled.  Says he's just going to go on home.  Ask
    him if he's seen corporate Web page lately.
    
    3:00 pm
    Another (novice) user calls.  Says periodic macro not working.
    Suggest they place @DeleteDocument at end of formula.  Promise to
    send them document addendum which says so.
    
    4:00 pm
    Finish changing foreground color in all documents to white.  Also
    set point size to "2" in help databases.
    
    4:30 pm
    User calls to say they can't see anything in documents.  Tell them
    to go to view, do a "Edit -- Select All", hit delete key, and then
    refresh.  Promise to send them document addendum which says so.
    
    4:45 pm
    Another user calls.  Says they can't read help documents.  Tell
    them I'll fix it.  Hang up.  Change font to Wingdings.
    
    4:58 pm
    Plug coffee maker into Ethernet hub to see what happens.  Not (too)
    much.
    
    5:00 pm
    Night shift shows up.  Tell them that the hub is acting funny and to
    have a good weekend.



An old man had a doctor's appointment and was very hard of hearing so he took his wife 
with him to help. When they got into the examining room, the Doctor told the old man to 
take off his shirt.
The old man turned to the wife and shouted, "What did he say?" and the wife got closer 
in his ear and yelled, "Take your shirt off!" The old man nodded and took his shirt off. 
The Doctor then asked the old man to tilt his head back so that he could have a better 
look down his throat.
The old man shouted, "What?" and the the wife got closer to his ear and yelled, "Tilt your 
head back and open your mouth." The old man nodded and tilted his head back.
When this was all over, the Doctor said, "OK, now all I need is a urine sample, a stool 
sample and a semen sample.
The old man yelled, "What?" and the wife got closer to his ear and yelled, "The Doctor 
wants your underpants!"


What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down, and possibly use a lubricant. 

What's the little blue string on the end of a tampon used for?
So the crabs can go bungee jumping


What's got two legs and bleeds? Half a dog!




29 ways to deal with stress
 
 1.   Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa and vice-versa.
 2.   Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
 3.   When someone says "have a nice day", tell them you have other
       plans.
 4.   Make a list of things to do that you have already done.
 5.   Dance naked in front of your pets.
 6.   Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him to pre-school as if nothing is wrong.
 7.   Fill out your tax form using Roman Numerals.
 8.  Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them from high places.
 9.   Leaf through "National Geographic" and draw underwear on the natives.
 10. Tattoo "Out to Lunch" on your forehead.
 11. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
 12. Buy a subscription to "Sleazoid Weekly" and send it to your boss's wife.
 13. Pay your electric bill in pennies.
 14. Drive to work in reverse.
 15. Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
 16. Tell you boss to "blow it out your mule" and let him figure it out.
 17. Sit naked on a shelled hard-boiled egg.
 18. Polish your car with earwax.
 19. Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
 20. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.
 21. Braid the hairs in each nostril.
 22. Write a short story using alphabet soup.
 23. Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.
 24. Make up a language and ask people for directions in it.
 25. Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and put it back in the wrapper.
 26. Bill your doctor for time spent in his waiting room.
 27. Fill out every credit card application and magazine subscription you get and have them bill you later.
 28. Do your assignments in binary code.
 29. Jam miniature marshmallows puy them through your nose and sneeze them out.
       See how many you can do at a time.



A man was in a restaurant eating with ET.

ET hawks up and spits in the man's food.  *Pui*

At first the man ignored this as it was only a small bit of
saliva but not long after ET spits again.  *Pui*

"Hey, stop that," the man said, "I don't like that."

*Pui* ET did it again.

"Stop spitting in my food. I'm warning you!"

*Pui*

"Listen, you spit in my food again and I'll kick you up the
arse."

*Pui*

"Right I'm going to kick your arse for that," the man said.

ET replied, "You can't do that because I don't have an arse."

"Well, how do you go for a shit?" the man wanted to know.

*Pui*


Q how does a real man know when his woman is satisfied? A a real man
doesn't care....... 

What's the best thing about a blowjob? The five minutes of silence!

Q. Why do women have smaller feet than men? A. So they can get closer to
the sink

Question- Why did God create man first?? Answer- Because he didn't want
a woman looking over his shoulder! 

Why are women and floor tiles the same? You lay them right the first
time you can walk all over them the rest of your life. 

How do you fix the dish washer? ......slap her 

Q: Why did God create women? A: Because sheep can't cook. 

Why is heaven only 40% women?? Any more and it'd be hell! 

Never trust a woman - Never trust anything that bleeds for a week and
doesn't die 

Did you hear about the female parachutist? She pulled the wrong string
and bled to death
 
Q: Why did the woman cross the road? A: That's not the point, what was
she doing out of the kitchen? 

Why did God give women legs? To walk between the kitchen and the bedroom


Why are women like Kentucky Fried Chicken? When you are done with the
legs, breasts, and thighs all that is left is a greasy box. 

How many male chauvinists does it take to change a light bulb? Let the
bitch cook in the dark! 

Theres a blonde, a red-head, and a bruenette. Their walking along and
all of a sudden they find a magic lamp. A genie comes out and says that
hell
give each of them one wish. The blond goes I want to be 100 times
smarter and
she turns into a red head. The Red head goes I want to be a 100 times
smarter and she turns into a burnette. The burnette goes I want to be a
100 times
smarter and she turbs into a man. 

Q. What does a woman and the internet have in common? A. Both make you
wait and wait and wait.. 

Did you hear about the woman with two black eyes? I had to tell her
TWICE! :)

What do women and tornados have in common? They both scream when they
come and they take the house when they leave. 

Two blondes were walking in the woods when they came upon a set of
tracks. "I think that they're rabbit tracks," said the first blonde. "No
way,"
chimed the second, "they're deer tracks fer shure." They were still
arguing when the train hit them.

Did you know that all babies are born male. They just cut the dicks off
the really dumb ones.

What did one lesbian say to the other lesbian....A:Your face or mine? 

why do all women get their periods? cause they deserve them :) 

how can you tell when a blonde has been using a vibrator? her teeth are
chipped 

What's a blondes favorite nursery rhyme? A: Humpme dumpme 

What do you get when you stand a bleach blonde on her head ? A brunette
with no teeth and bad breath ! 

What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire? See you
next month! 

Why do women fake orgasms? because the bitches think we care. 



Note: This application will be considered incomplete and thereby rejected
without a full and complete financial disclosure statement and a complete
medical history from your physician.

Name________________________  Date of Birth_________________
S.S.#________________________
Drivers License #____________________
Home Address_______________________	City_____________________
Zip Code_______________

Do you have one male parent and one female parent? yes/no  
If no explain:______________________________________________________

Do you own a van? yes/no
If yes discontinue completing this application and leave the premises!

In 50 words or less what does the word "NO" mean to you?



In 50 words or less what does the word "LATE" mean to you?



Name of Church you attend:_______________________________________
Average attendance per year:______________________________________

Is there now, or has ever been a history of mental illness or insanity in
your family?? If so, List the names and ages of the relatives
afflicted._______________________________________________________

Answer the following questions by filling in the blank. Please answer
freely, honestly, and openly. All answers are strictly confidential.

1. If I were ever shot, the last place on my body I would ever ant to be
wounded would be in the:_________________________________________

2. If I were ever beaten, the last bone I would ever want to be broken
would be my:____________________________________________________

3. A woman's place is in the______________________________________

4. When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is
her;________________________ then her_______________________,
then_________________________________.#

5. The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about
is____________________________________________________________

6. What do you want to be "IF" you grow up?______________________

7. I am hoping to take your daughter to____________________________

8. My favorite alcoholic beverage is_________________________________

9. Do the letters "X", "E" and "S" have any meaning when combined and if
so what?_______________________________________________________##

I swear that all the information I have supplied is true or to the bet of
my knowledge, under penalty of death or dismemberment. 

Signature of Applicant_______________________________________
		   (Please include a $50.00 processing fee)

___________________________________________________________________
      DO NOT WRITE BELOW THIS LINE, PARENTAL USE ONLY!
___________________________________________________________________

Appearance:    Preppy	  Normal                  Hard Rock

Intelligence:    Carl Sagan	  David Letterman	      PeeWee
Herman

Accepted_____________    Rejected______________    Date____________

#If answer to #4 begins with a "T" or an "A", discontinue and leave the
premises immediately!

## Any answer is grounds for dismissal! 



Why are men such jerks?

     It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men
     suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average
     lifespan of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just
     from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone       
     modifies behavior. We're just misunderstood.


     Why do men always have to ogle at other women?

     Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all
     the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you?
     Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not
     getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic
     memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later
     reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our
     memory by staring as much as we can.


     Why do men always touch themselves, especially in public?

     We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy.
     It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added
     bonus.


     Why do men always say such stupid things?

     We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner
     frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.


     Why are men so uncommunicative?

     You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open
     it you get into trouble with your partner.


     Why do men have to act like such retards?

     Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's
     the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much
     of the world nowadays.


     Why can't men just share their feelings?

     Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that  
     men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we     
     feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing        
     some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our       
     foot, we have no,idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache         
     whenever I try to figure out how I feel.


     Why can't men cuddle more (i.e. lie down and hug)?

     Please... How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige
     you as much as we can, but who the heck (besides women) can stand lying
     around for hours on end? We men... Men hunters... Need go roam...
     Starve in cave... Must go find wildebeest... Now sitting on our
     asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.


     How can men sit on their asses all day without moving?

     Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution
     that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting
     tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot
     for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more
     successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended
     periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The
     figgidy types were all gobbled up by saber
     toothed tigers etcetera. The end result is that almost all modern men
     are born with this innate ability.


     Why can't men just say "I love you?"

     Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say
     that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men
     consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own
     character faults.


     Why do men say "I love you" when they hardly know me?

     Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure
     fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works
     quite well.


     What does it mean when men say "I Love You?"

     1. Please sleep with me.
     2. I'm sorry for whatever it is that I did.
     3. I forgot to get you a gift; this will have to do. 4. Huh? I'm
     sorry; I wasn't listening.
     5. What did I forget? This should buy me a little time. 6. Stop
     nagging me.
     7. What do I have to do to get a beer around here?


     Why doesn't my partner ever answer me?

     We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of
     your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you
     will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy
     for other things.


     Why won't men ever pick up after themselves?

     Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know
     darn well you'll pick it up.


     What's with all the belching and farting?

     This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let
     you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's
     actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods
     of time gives us stomach cramps.


     Why do men hate shopping?

     It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go
     out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to
     look at things we have no intention of killing? err... Buying?


     Why can't men ever leave the toilet seat down?

     Have you ever seen one of us pee? The proper position of the toilet
     seat is up. Mathematically speaking, the proper position of the toilet
     seat is a function of the time spent peeing over the time spent
     sitting. The closer that ratio approaches one, the truer the
     proposition. Besides, it's actually a courtesy that we lift the seat.
     Why would we care if we pee all over the seat. You're the ones that
     have to sit on it. You should appreciate the fact that we actually
     lift the darn thing. We aim to please.


     Why do men find blonde bimbos attractive?

     Are you kidding? Even leaving the physical aside, blonde bimbos are
     generally much easier to get along (alone) with. They like having fun
     and doing exciting things. They don't walk around with the weight of
     the world on their shoulders. They don't ever give us a hard time for
     being a dumb male; and plus they laugh at most of our jokes (even the
     ones they don't get). What more could any of us males ask for?


     Why do men act like they own the remote control?

     What do you mean act? We do; possession is nine tenths of the law.
     Besides, it is an awesome responsibility not to be entrusted to just
     anyone. I believe the only fair way to decide who gets the remote
     control is to arm wrestle for it.


     Why can't men stay on a single channel for more than two seconds?

     Are you kidding? What if there is something good on the next channel?
     We could miss it if we stay on one channel for too long. (See also:
     Why do men fear commitment?)


     Why do men fear commitment?

     Don't be so surprised. Yes; most of us do know what 'commitment' means
     and can spell it correctly. It's like an automobile. No matter how
     good you think this year's model is, they're always coming out with
     newer, faster, better, sleeker, and sexier models. We simply cannot be
     expected to purchase the first one we see. We must browse around a bit
     and test drive a few. Who wants to end up with a lemon? At least with
     a car, there's a slight chance of it eventually becoming a classic. It
     simply makes much more sense to lease and upgrade to the younger...
     err... I mean newer models every couple of years. Some of them come
     with fun extras like dual air bags.


     What does it mean when men say, "I'm just not ready for a relationship
     right now" or "I don't want a girl friend?"

     It means that we like you enough to sleep with you, but not enough so
     that we want to see you repeatedly.


     What does it mean when men say, "Can we just be friends?"

     Generally, it means that the recipient of said comment is physically
     repulsive enough that no beer goggles may be thick enough to provide
     adequate protection.


     Do all men really masturbate?

     Yes. It is genetically inherited behavior. It's been passed on from
     our most primal forefathers, and it'll be passed on to our sons.


     Why do men generally have greater upper body strength?

     Several factors are at work, namely evolution, heredity, nutrition,
     and environment. (See also: Do all men really masturbate?)


     Why do men generally have better hand-eye or spatial coordinate motor
     coordination?

     It is like with all things. Practice... Practice... Practice... (See
     also: Do all men really masterbate?)


     Why are men so obsessed with beautiful women?

     As opposed to what? Really ugly women? Face it, if men were obsessed
     with ugly women, there would be just as much bitching about why men
     are so obsessed with ugly women. No matter how you set this up, some
     people are always going to be left out. I don't see anyone screaming
     about equal treatment for the stupid people either.


     Why do men like younger women?

     Well, let's see. Besides the fact that they like older men, they're
     easily impressed. They're also perky, energetic, and come with very
     little baggage. And gravity has less prevail over their bodies.


     Why do men only have one thing on their minds?

     While technically correct, this statement is not strictly true. We may
     only be able to entertain one idea at a time, but we do think of lots
     of other things besides sex, such as sports and beer. We also get
     hungry quite often.


     How can men possibly find that other woman attractive (i.e. whatever
     do you see in that fat pig)?

     Even if you happen to be Cindy Crawford, once we get the idea that you
     are ours, other women suddenly become much more attractive and you
     lose a few attractiveness points. I'm a bit puzzled by this one
     myself. I think evolution is to blame. We men are just innocent
     bystanders in the war of the selfish genes. You should love us despite
     our inherent weakness.


     Why are men such dogs?

     I resent that. Dogs are faithful... loyal... affectionate... and
     obedient...



Mommy, Mommy! What's an Oedipus complex?
Shut up and kiss me!

Mommy, Mommy! What's an orgasm?
I don't know dear, ask your father.

Mommy, Mommy! What's a nymphomaniac?
Shut up and help me get Gram ma off the doorknob!

Mommy, Mommy! Why are we pushing the car off the cliff?
Shut up son, you'll wake your father.

Mommy, Mommy! The milkman's here;
Have you got the money or should I go out an play?

Mommy, Mommy! Why's everybody running?
Shut up and reload

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's running down the street!
Shut up and step on the gas!

"Come upstairs, son, like a good boy."
"No, Mommy, you'll only throw me down again."

Mommy, Mommy! My head hurts!
Shut up and get away from the dart board!

Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all that dog food Fido wouldn't eat?
Shut up and eat your meat loaf.

Mommy, Mommy! When are we going to have Aunt Edna for dinner?
Shut up, we haven't even finished your Grandmother yet.

Mommy, Mommy! I hate my sisters guts.
Shut up and eat what's put in front of you.


Mommy, Mommy! What's for dinner?
Shut up and get back in the oven!

Mommy, mommy, what is a delinquent child?
Shut up, light your cigarette, drink your whisky and deal those cards.

Mommy, mommy, what is a delinquent child?
Shut up and pass me the crowbar.

Mommy, Mommy! Are you sure this is the way to make ginger bread men?
Shut up and get back in the oven.

Mommy, Mommy! Why do I have to hop everywhere?
Shut up or I'll chop off the other leg!

Mommy, Mommy! Can I play with grandma?
Not today, we already dug her  up three times this week.

Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all your scabs?
Shut up and eat your cornflakes!

Mommy, Mommy! What's in those CARE packages they send to Africa?
Shut up and get back in the box!


Mommy, Mommy! What's a werewolf?
Shut up and comb your face!

Mommy, Mommy! Billy won't let go of my ear.
Billy, let go of Susie's ear.
Billy! Let go of her ear!
All right Billy, give me the ear.

Mommy, Mommy! I hate daddy's guts.
Well, just leave them on the side of the plate

Mommy, Mommy! Why is daddy so pale?
Shut up and keep digging.

Mommy, Mommy! I don't like grandpa.
Well, just push him aside and eat your beans.

Mommy, Mommy! Grandpa's going out!
Well throw some more gasoline on him then.

Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to go to Australia.
Shut up son and keep swimming.


Mommy, Mommy! I keep running in circles.
Shut up son or I'll nail your other foot to the floor


Mommy, Mommy! I don't wanna visit grandma!
Shut up and keep digging.

Mommy, Mommy! Can I lick the bowl?
Shut up and flush.

Mommy, Mommy! I'm sick of learning how to swim!
Shut up or I'll flush it again!

Mommy Mommy! It's cold and dark and damp down here.
Shut up or I'll flush it again.

Mommy, Mommy! I don't want hamburgs for supper!
Shut up or I'll grind your other hand.

Mommy, Mommy! I HATE tomato juice!
Shut up and drink it before it clots.

Mommy, Mommy! What's a vampire?
Shut up and eat your soup before it clots.

Mommy Mommy! I don't like tomato soup!
Shut up, we only have it once a month.

Mommy, Mommy! I HATE spagetti!
Shut up or I'll pull the veins out of your other arm.

Mommy, Mommy! There's something in daddy's eye!
Shut up and eat around it.

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy puked!
Shut up and get a fork, before your sister gets all the big chunks!


Mommy, Mommy! Joey is biting grandma's nail.
Joey, stop it, or I am closing the coffin!

Mommy, Mommy! Can I buy a new dress?
You know it won't fit over your iron lung.

Mommy, Mommy! Why can't I play with the other kids?
Shut up and deal.

Mommy, Mommy! Can I brush my teeth?
Yes, now shut up and get the jar!

Mommy, Mommy! My head hurts!
Shut up and get away from the dart board!

Mommy, Mommy! My teacher says my head is too big.
Shut up and get your hat from the garage, so your father can bring the
car in!

Mommy, Mommy! Can I play in the sandbox?
Not until I find a better place to bury Daddy.

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's on fire!
Shut up and get the marshmallows!

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy fell in the campfire!
Shut up and get the barbecue sauce!


Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to see Niagara falls!
Shut up and get back in the barrel!

Mommy, Mommy! I want to play with Sheldon!
Shut up and close the coffin!

Mommy, Mommy! Is this the way to make pickles?
Shut up and get back in the barrel!

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy went through the meat grinder!
Shut up and eat your hamburger!

Mommy, Mommy! How will we ever find Daddy on this golf course?
Shut up and search the sand traps!

Mommy, Mommy! I've lost my fingers!
Shut up and eat your french fries!

What did the little boy say when his mother scolded him for cutting his
Christmas present (a spotted hamster) neatly in two pieces with a
cleaver?
Answer: "But, Mommy, you said that if I was good, I could halve him."


Mrs. Smith, a third grade teacher wanted the class to play a game where one  
student starts drawing on the board, then one by one others add to it.
       
She thinks, and decides not to start with Johnny, because he is extremely
 naughty and always has some "unusual" picture in mind.
       
She decides to start with Anne.

Anne: "This is our House"      
     
            /\
           /  \
          /    \
         /      \
         |       |
         |       |
         |       |
         |       |
       
"Good, Anne!"  Mrs. Smith says and then and asks Peter to draw next. 

Peter: "This is our house door"
       
             /\    
            /  \
           /    \
          /      \
         /        \
        |          |
        |    _     |
        |   | |    |
        |   |_|    |
       
       
"Very good, Peter" , she says and then calls on Mary. 

Mary: "This is our house roof"
       
             /\    
            /  \
           / UU \
          /      \
         /        \
        |          |
        |    __    |
        |    | |   |
        |    |_|   |
       
"Very nice, Mary", says the teacher and calls on Stevie. 

Stevie: "And this is the sun over the house."
       
             \|/
             -O-
             /|\
             /\    
            /  \
           / UU \
          /      \
         /        \
         |         |
         |    __   |
         |    | |  | 
         |    |_|  |
       
       
The teacher says "very nice, Stevie" and thinks, there is not much damage
that Johnny can do with this picture and asks Johnny to come to the board.

              ______
             /       \
            /    \|/  \ 
           /     -O-   \
           |     /|\    |
           |     /\     | 
           |    /  \    |
           |   / UU \   |
           |  /      \  |
           | /        \ |
           | |        | |
           | |   _    | |
          _| |  | |   | |_
       (___|    |_|   |___)

Johnny: "And this is my father, trying to pick up the soap
                      when he dropped it in the shower."


Crossbred Dogs:

  Pointer + Setter
       Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

  Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier
        Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries

  Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
        Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

  Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso
        Peekasso, an abstract dog

  Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
        Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

  Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
      Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

  Newfoundland + Basset Hound
        Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

 Terrier + Bulldog
       Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

  Bloodhound + Labrador
        Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

  Malamute + Pointer
        Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway

  Collie + Malamute
        Commute, a dog that travels to work

  Deerhound + Terrier
        Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

  Cocker Spaniel + Rottweiller
        Cockrot, the perfect puppy for that philandering ex-husband

  Bull Terrier + Shitzu
        Bullshitz, a gregarious but unreliable breed



There were these three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were
at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside,
and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but
whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who, indeed, had
the coldest igloo.

They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said "Watch this!" and
poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air
and fell onto the floor. "Not bad" said the other Eskimos, but each
maintained their igloo was colder still.

So they went to the second Eskimo's igloo, and he said "Watch this!"
and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big
lump and fell to the floor. "Wow, that's colder than mine! "said the
first Eskimo. But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still.

So they ended up at the third Eskimo's igloo. He said "Watch this!"
and went into the bedroom, threw back the thick furs, and retrieved one of
several small balls of ice there. He took it, put it in a spoon, and
held a match under it. When it heated up enough, it went
"FFFAAAARRRRTTT". He won.



An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being
smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger
who probably deserved to fly as cargo. 

During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded
United flight was canceled. 

A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. 
Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his
ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it
has to be FIRST CLASS." 

The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but
I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work
something out." 

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers
behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?" 

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address
microphone. 

"May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing
throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES
NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please
come to the gate." 

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared
at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "(Expletive) you."

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have
to stand in line for that, too." 

The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. 
Although the flight was canceled and people were late, they were no
longer angry at United.



| 1)  You are walking to your boyfriend/girlfriend's house. There are two
| roads to get there. One is a straight path which takes you there quickly,
| but is very plain and boring. The other is curvy and full of wonderful
| sights on the way, but  takes quite a while to reach your loved one's
| house. 
|  WHICH PATH DO YOU CHOOSE?  short or long?
| 
| 2)  On the way, you see two rose bushes. One is full of white roses, One
| is full of red roses. You decide to pick 20 roses for your boyfriend/girlfriend. 
| WHAT COLOR COMBINATION DO YOU CHOOSE? 
| (any combo including all one colour is fine)
| 
| 3)  You finally get to your boyfriend/girlfriend's house. You ring the
| bell and the maid answers. You can ask the maid to please get  your loved
| one, or you may go get him/her yourself.
| WHICH ACTION DO YOU TAKE? ask the maid or do it yourself?
| 
| 4)  Now, you go up to your girlfriend/boyfriends room. No one is there.
| You can leave the roses by the windowsill, or on the bed.
| WHERE DO YOU PUT THE ROSES? bed or window?
| 
| 5) Later, its time for bed. You and your loved one go to sleep, in
| separate rooms. You wake up in the morning, and go to your
| boyfriend/girlfriend's room to check up on him/her.  You enter the room: 
| IS HE/SHE AWAKE OR SLEEPING? (pick one)
| 
|  6) It's time to go home now, and you start to head back. You can take
| either road home now: The plain, boring one that gets you home fast; or
| the curvy, sight-filled road that you can just casually take your time with.
| WHICH ROAD DO YOU CHOOSE? short or long?
| 
| 
|  ***********okay that's the end! Now scroll down for an analysis.************* 
| 
| 
| 
| 
| 
| 
| 
| 
| 
| 
| 
| 
| 
| 
| 
|  *********ANALYSIS*****************
| 
| 
| 
| 
| 
| 1.  The roads represent your attitude towards falling in love.
| a) If you chose the short one, you fall in love quickly and easily. 
| b) If you chose the long one, you take your time and do not fall in love
| easily.
| 
| 2.  The number of red roses represent how much you expect to GIVE in a
| relationship. The number of white roses represent how much you EXPECT in a 
| relationship.Therefore, if a person chose all red with one white, he/she 
| gives 90% in the relationship but expects to receive only 10% back. 
| 
| 3.  This question shows your attitude in handling relationship problems.
| a)If you asked the maid to get your loved one, then you may beat around
|   the bush, maybe asking a third party to intervene. Avoidance of problems
|   runs high.
| b)If you went and got your loved one yourself, then you are pretty direct.
|   If there is a problem, you confront it and deal with it. You want to work
|   it out right away.
| 
| 4.  The placement of the roses indicate how often you'd like to see your
| boyfriend/girlfriend.
| a) Placing the roses on the bed : You need lots of reassurance in the
|    relationship, and you'd want to see your loved one every day, if 
|    possible. 
| b) Placing the roses by the window show: You don't expect or need to see
|    your loved one that often; seeing them just once in a while is OK.
| 
| 5. Finding your boyfriend/ girlfriend:- 
| a)  ASLEEP: You accept your loved one the way  they are.
| b)  AWAKE: You expect him/her to CHANGE for you.
|  
|  6.  The short and long roads now represent how long you stay in love. 
| a)  If you chose the short one, you fall OUT of love easily.
| b)  If you chose the long one, you tend to stay IN love for a long time.



Good/Bad/Worse
| 
|  Bad: You can't find your vibrator.  Worse: Your daughter "borrowed"
|  it.
| 
| 
| 
|  Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room.  Worse: You're in it.
| 
| 
| 
|  Bad: Your children are sexually active.  Worse: With each other.
| 
| 
| 
|  Bad: Your husband's a crossdresser.  Worse: He looks better than you.
| 
| 
| 
|  Bad: Your son's involved in Satanism.  Worse: As a sacrifice.
| 
| 
| 
|  Bad: Your wife wants a divorce.  Worse: She's a lawyer.
| 
| 
| 
|  Bad: Your wife's leaving you.  Worse: For another woman.
| 
| 
| 
|  Bad: Your wife's leaving you.  Worse: To enter a convent.
| 
| 
| 
|  Bad: Your wife's arrested for soliciting.  Worse: She implicates you.
| 
| 
| 
|  Good: Hot outdoor sex.  Bad: You're arrested.  Worse: By your husband.
| 
| 
| 
|  Good: The postman's early.  Bad: He's wearing camos and has an AK-47.
| 
| 
| 
|  Good: The secretary said "yes."  Bad: Your wife says "no."
| 
| 
| 
|  Good: The teacher likes your son.  Bad: Sexually.  Worse: He's gay.
| 
| 
| 
|  Good: You came home for a quickie.  Bad: So did the postman.
| 
| 
| 
|  Good: You came home for a quickie.  Bad: Your wife walks in.
| 
| 
| 
|  Good: You get a three-day weekend.  Bad: You get the flu on Friday.
| 
| 
| 
|  Good: You get tickets to the theatre.  Bad: It's performance art.
| 
| 
| 
|  Good: You go to see a strip show. Bad: Your daughter's the headliner.
| 
| 
| 
|  Good: Your boyfriend's exercising.  Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes.
| 
| 
| 
|  Good: Your car conveniently "runs out of gas."  Bad: For real.
| 
| 
| 
|  Good: Your child's "waiting for Mr. Right".  Bad: Your son, that is.
| 
| 
| 
|  Good: Your daughter's on the Pill.  Bad: She's eleven.
| 
| 
| 
|  Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude.  Bad: He weighs 350 pounds.
| 
| 
| 
|  Good: Your son's doing extra credit work.  Bad: Making a sex ed video.
| 
| 
| 
|  Good: Your uncle leaves you a fortune.  Bad: It's counterfeit.
| 
| 
| 
|  Good: Your wife bought a porn video.  Bad: Your daughter's the star.
| 
| 
| 
|  Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex.  Bad: You live downtown.
| 
| 
| 
|  Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude.  Bad: She's coming home.
| 
| 
| 
|  Good: Your wife's kinky. Bad: With the neighbors. Worse: All of them.


The doctor was examing the pretty and well endowed 
patient thinking her to be naive proceeded to take advantage 
of the situation.
Putting his hands around her breasts he asked her, 
"What am I doing?"
"You are taking my heartbeat," she answered. The doctor 
smiled to himself at the girl's innocence.
He then unzipped his trousers and put his penis into her 
mouth at the same time asking her, "What am I doing?"
"You are taking my temperature," she said.
By now, the doctor really thought he had the most gullible 
patient in front of him and the next thing he was already on top of 
her.
"What am I doing now?" he asked the girl.
"You are getting Aids because that's what I came to see 
you about," she  answered.


A man goes into a restaurant, sits down at a table and, when the 
waitress asks for his order, says, "I want a quickie."  
  
She slaps his face and asks, "Now would you please give me your order?" 
  
Again, he says, "I want a quickie."
  
She slaps him again and says, "I'll give you one last chance; what do you
want?"  
  
Someone from the next table leans over and says quietly to the man, "I 
think it's pronounced QUICHE." 



A lesbian goes to her gynaecologist for a check up. Whilst he is scrapping around 
her vagina, he says to her "You know, you've got the cleanest vagina I have ever seen", 
to which she replies "I should hope so, I've got a woman coming in twice a week".


What goes in and out, in and out and smell of piss?
An old lady doing the Hokey-cokey!!!


Whats the definition of a drawing pin ?
A Smartie with a erection


Did you hear about the protestant who got killed by a falling tree. They say the I.R.A. 
planted it.



Ol' farmer John had just walked into the local watering hole, when who
should he see, but his old friend Chis the tractor salesman sitting up at
the bar. Chris looked so down and dejected, that John just had to go up 
and say something to him.

"Say, Chris, how ya doing? How's the tractor selling business these
days?"

If Chris had looked sad before, at the mention of tractor sales, his
face sank even more, and a tear came to his eye. "John," he said, shaking

his head, "I don't know what it is. I can't sell a tractor these days to 
save my life. I'll tell you, I just gotta sell one tractor, and soon, or 
else I'll lose that dealership for good."

"Well," John said, taking the barstool next to him, "If you think you
got it bad, I got it worse. Now you listen to this:

"I went out to the barn the other morning to milk Bessy. That ol' cow
gets more ornery as the years go by. Anyway, no sooner did I sit down on
the
milking stool and get to work, but ol' Bes starts a slappin' me with her 
tail. After a minute or so, I got fed up with it, so I threw a rope up 
over the rafters, and tied ol' Bessy's tall to the rafters. Then I got 
back to work.

"I didn't even get two squirts into the bucket, when Bes gives be a
kick. Knocked me clean off the stool! Boy, if that didn't piss me off! So

I get me another rope an' tie Bessy's right hind leg to the side of the 
milking stall, and get a started trying to milk her again.

"Well by this time, Bessy's about livid, and she doesn't want any part
of it, so she let's me have it with her other hind leg. I wasn't about to

give in to this ol' cow, so I got me yet another piece ah rope and tied 
up Bessy's left leg to the side of the stall."

Just then John paused to take sip his beer.

Chris, distracted for a moment from his own troubles, asked John, "Well,
did you finally get to milk her?"

"Well, yes and no, Chris. But I'll tell ya what... If you can convince
my wife that I was out there to MILK that cow, I'll BUY a tractor from
you!"


O.J according to
        Dr. Suess

I did not kill my lovely wife
I did not slash her with a knife
I did not bonk her on the head
I did not know that she was dead

I stayed at home that fateful night
I took a cab, then took a flight
The bag I had was just for me
My bag! My bag! Hey, leave it be!

When I came home I had a gash
My hand was cut from broken glass
I cut my hand on broken glass
A broken glass did cause that gash

I have nothing, nothing to hide
My friend took me for a ride

Did you take this persons life?
Did you do it with a knife

I did not do it with a knife
I did not, could not, kill my wife
I did not do this awful crime
I could not, would not, anytime

Did you hit her from above?
Did you drop this bloody glove?

I did not hit her from above
I can not even wear that glove

I did not do it with a knife
I did not, could not, kill my wife
I did not do this awful crim
I could not, would not, anytime

And now that I'm free, I can return
To my house for which I yearn
And to my family, whom I love
And now that I'm free...Give back my glove


What part of popeye (the sailor, cartoon)  never gets rusted?

The part that's in 'Olive Oil' ;-)

And another one...

A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and
said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into
a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to
the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
princess, 'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his
pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do
anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The boy said, "Look, I'm a software engineer, I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."


The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are
the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a
test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest.
They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of
extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest,
killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no
apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten
bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!


A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and
decided to check out the local brothels.When he got to the first one, he
asked the madame, "Is this a union house?" "No, I'm sorry it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20."Mightily offended at such
unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more
equitable shop.
His search continued as long as you want to draw things out, until
finally he reached a brothel where the madame said, "Why yes, this is a
union house." "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The
girls get $80 and the house gets $20." "That's more like it!" the man
said. He looked around the room and pointed
to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night." "I'm
sure you would, sir," said the madame,... gesturing to a fat
fifty-year-old woman in the corner, "...but Bertha here has seniority!"



:-)  -:      Smilie with an erection

:-) 8  -     Female.

:-| 8( )-    Pregnant Female.

:-(   :-     Impotent (Or let down).

:-)   -8     Blue balls.

;-)  o===8   Braggart.

:-\  8o      After a cold shower.

;-)   ===8   Circumcised.

8-O  --*     Just before doubling over with pain.

:-)  -^-:    In need of some corrective surgery.

:-)  :-...   Taking a leak.

:-}  -oo-:   Taking matters into hand.


On the night of May 15 1999, two college girls had plans to go to a
college going away party at one of the colleges dorm. But plans changed
because one the girls had an extra final report to do. So the other girl
didn't want to disrupt her friend from doing her work because it was only
3 weeks 'til they graduated from college. So she called her boyfriend to
pick her up from the apartment that they lived in because the neighborhood
they lived in wasn't exactly paradise. It was more like the ghetto. So
her boyfriend picked her up and they both reached the party at the college
dorm at around 12:00 am. They danced, drank, and did all those things
that college people do. It was around 2:00 am, when the girl asked her
boyfriend to bring her back home so she could pick up some female
necessities. So the boyfriend gave in and drove her back to the
apartment. They reached the apartment at about 2:15 am. The boyfriend
asked the girl if she needed help to go up to her apartment. Being the
brave lady she is, she politely said no thank you. So the boyfriend
waited in the car while the girl went to get some things from her
apartment. She went into the apartment, she decided to not turn on the
lights because she knew that her friend was up all night finishing her
report. So she didn't want to be a bitch and wake her up. So she just
walked into the room that she and her friend shared and got some make-up
and some money. She closed the door to the room and then the apartment.
She walked back down to her boyfriend and they both went back to the
party. The girl and her boyfriend got back to the apartment at around
11:00 a.m., and they noticed that police and ambulance surrounded the
compound. They didn't suspect anything because police was common at the
apartment because of drug dealers. They just thought it was just another
drug bust. But as they got closer they noticed that all the police
officers were around her apartment room. So she ran to her room. Breaking
away from the police officers that tried to stop her. To her disgust, she
saw her friend on her bed, she had been stabbed and sliced up. And on the
wall above her friend, there was a big bold message written in blood that
said...

     "AREN'T YOU GLAD YOU DIDN'T TURN ON THE LIGHTS"
  
  
  THIS IS A TRUE STORY. MODIFIED SO IT WOULDN'T CAUSE ANY FRICTION
BETWEEN THE FAMILY OR FRIENDS OF THIS VICTIM. MAY YOU REST IN ETERNAL PEACE.


HOW "THEY" DO IT WHEN IT COMES TO SEX
______________________________________________________
       Accountants do it with Double Entry
       Acupuncturist do it with a small prick
       Ambulance driver comes quicker
       Australians do it Down Under
       Bach did it using the organ
       Bankers do it with interest
       Bartenders do it on the Rocks
       Batman does it using his Robin
       Bookeepers do it for the record
       Bosses delegate the task to others
       Chess players check their Mates
       Cops do it with cuffs
       DJs do it on request
       Deep-sea divers do it under extreme pressure
       Dentist do it orally
       Detectives do it under cover
       Don't do it with Bankers, most of them are Tellers
       Elevator men do it up and down
       Engineers do it to specifications
       Engineers do it to a first order approximation
       Firemen do it with a big hose
       Frank Sinatra do it his way
       Garbagemen come twice a week
       Gardeners do it on the bushes
       Gas attendants Pump all day
       Golfers do it in 18 holes
       Landlords do it every 1st of the month
       Managers make others do it
       Marketing reps do it on commission
       Pizza delivery man comes in 30 minutes or it's free
       Waiters and waitresses do it for tips
       Zoologists do it with animals



THINGS TO WONDER ABOUT
    
 One liners.....
 
    How come SUPERMAN could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked
 when someone threw a gun at him?
 
    If it was only a 3 hour cruise, why did MRS. HOWELL have so many clothes?
 
    Why is it called a HAMBURGER, when it's made out of BEEF?  
   
    Why does SOUR CREAM have an Expiration date?  
   
    Do infants have as much fun in their infancy as adults do in adultery? 
   
    What would a chair look like, if your knees bent the other way?  
   
    IF "Con" is the Opposite of "Pro"....then what is the opposite of PROGRESS?
    
    Why is LEMON JUICE mostly artificial ingredients....but DISHWASHING
 LIQUID contains real lemons.
    
    How much deeper would the ocean be, if SPONGES didn't grow in it.  
   
    Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of.  
   
    Why do we wait until a PIG is dead, to "CURE" it.  
   
    Why do we wash BATH TOWELS, aren't we clean when we use them?  
   
    Why do we put SUITS in a Garment Bag, and put Garments in a Suitcase?  
   
    Why doesn't GLUE stick to the inside of the bottle.  
   
    Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"  
   
    Whose cruel idea was it for the word  "Lisp" to have an "S" in it?  
   
    What do little birdies see, when they get knocked unconscious?  
 


How smart are you?

         Read this sentence:

         FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE-
         SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF-
         IC STUDY COMBINED WITH
         THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS.

 Now count aloud the F's in that sentence.  Count them
ONLY ONCE:  do not go back and count them again.  See below...















 Answer below:


























 ANSWER:

 There are six F's in the sentence.  One of average
 intelligence finds three of them.  If you spotted four, you're above
 average.  If you got five, you can turn your nose at most anybody.  If you
 caught six, you are a genius.  There is no catch.  Many people forget the
 "OF"'s.  The human brain tends to see them as V's and not F's.  Pretty
 weird, huh?



Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived
far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad
and send me the bill."

Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid.  The next month, he
got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some
incidental expense.

Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man
called his brother again to find out what was going on.

"Well," said the other brother, "you said to do something nice for
Dad.  So I rented him a tuxedo."


1. There is one word in the English language that is always
       pronounced  incorrectly. What is it?

    2. A man gave one son 10 cents and another son was given 15 cents.
       What time is it?

    3. A boat has a ladder that has six rungs, each rung is one foot
       apart. The bottom rung is one foot from the water. The
       tide rises at 12 inches every 15 minutes. High tide peaks in
       one hour. When the tide is at it's highest, how many rungs
       are under water?

    4. There is a house with four walls. Each wall faces south. There
       is a window in each wall. A bear walks by one of the windows.
       What color is the bear?

    5. Is half of two plus two equal to two or three?

    6. There is a room. The shutters are blowing in. There is broken
       glass on the floor. There is water on the floor. You find
       Sloppy dead on the floor. How did sloppy die?

    7. How much dirt would be in a hole 6 feet deep and 6 feet wide
       that has been dug with a square edged shovel?

    8. If I were in Hawaii and dropped a bowling ball in a bucket of
       water which is 45 degrees F, and dropped another ball
       of the same weight, mass, and size in a bucket at 30 degrees F,
       them at the same time, which ball would hit the bottom of the bucket
       first? Same question, but the location is in Canada?

    9. What is the significance of the following: The year is 1978,
       thirty-four minutes past noon on May 6th.

   10.What can go up a chimney down, but can't go down a chimney up?

   11.If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the
     other field, how many haystacks would he have if he
      combined them all in the center field?

   12.What is it that goes up and goes down but does not move?

   13.Paul is 20 years old in 1980, but only 15 years old in 1985.
      How is this possible?

   14.What has four legs but only one foot?

   15.How many of each animal did Moses take on the ark?

   16. Kindly old Grandfather Lunn
       Is twice as old as his son
       Twenty-five years ago
       Their age ratio
       Strange enough was three to one
       When does Grandfather celebrate his centenary?

   17. Said a certain young lady named Gwen
       Of her tally of smitten young men
       "one less and three more
       Divided by four
       Together give one more than ten"
       How many boyfriends had she?

   18. There was a young fellow named Clive
       Whose bees number ten power five
       The daughters to each son
       Were as nineteen to one,
       A truly remarkable hive.
       How many sons (drones) were in the hive?

   19. A team's opening batter named Nero
       Squared his number of hits, the big hero!
       After subtracting his score
       He took off ten and two more
       And the final result was a "zero".
       How many hits did Nero make:

   20. Some freshman from Trinity Hall
       Played hockey with a wonderful ball;
       Two times its weight
       Plus weight squared, minus eight,
       Gave "nothing" in ounces at all.
       What was the weight of the ball?

   21. The Bar Z ranch was a dude ranch. One day a new "dude" asked
       one of the stable hands how many men were tending
       the horses in the corral. Having a mischievous sense of humor,
       he replied, "I saw eighty-two feet and twenty-six heads". He
       then walked away, leaving the dude scratching his head trying
       to figure it out. How many men were tending the horses?

   22. One morning as Paul was getting his newspaper, he noticed on
       his new house something that needed to be fixed. Heading over
       to the hardware store, he spoke to the manager, describing
       his problem. The manager said, "I know just what you need".
       He led Paul down some aisles and stopped in front of some bins.
       Digging down into some of the bins, he set something up on the
       shelf. "I saw your house when it was built", the manager said.
       "Here's all that you'll need and how much it'll cost...
       five will be 15 cents while fifty will be 30 cents,
       250 will be 45 cents, while 2507 will only cost you 60 cents.
       One lady, about 20 blocks from your house, bought 30247 and
       only paid 75 cents! These are black, but they also come in
       gold and silver." What was the manager selling?

   23. If it takes 3 people to dig a hole, how many does it take to
       dig half a hole?

   24. What is the beginning of eternity. The end of time and space.
       The beginning of every end. And the end of every place


The Answers

    1.  Incorrectly.

    2.  1:45. The man gave away a total of 25 cents. He divided it
        between two people. Therefore, he gave a quarter to two.

    3.  None, the boat rises with the tide. Duh.

    4.  White. If all the walls face south, the house is at the north
        pole, and the bear, therefore, is a polar bear.

    5.  Three. Well, it seems that it could almost be either, but if
        you follow the mathematical orders of operation, division is
        performed before addition. So... half of two is one. Then add
        two, and the answer is three.

    6.  Sloppy is a goldfish. The wind blew the shutters in, which
        knocked his goldfish-bowl off the table, and it broke,
        killing him.

    7.  None. No matter how big a hole is, it's still a hole: the
        absence of dirt. (And those of you who said 36 cubic feet are
        wrong for another reason, too. You would have needed the length
        measurement too. So you don't even know how much air is in the hole.)

    8. Both questions, same answer: the ball in the bucket of 45 degree F
       water hits the bottom of the bucket last. Did you think that
       the water in the 30 degree F bucket is frozen? Think again.
       The question said nothing about that bucket having anything in it.
       Therefore, there is no water (or ice) to slow the ball down...

    9. The time and month/date/year are 12:34, 5/6/78.

   10. An umbrella.

   11. One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become
       one big stack.

   12. The temperature.

   13. The years are in B.C., not A.D. as you probably assumed. Based
       on the system we use to number the years, the years counted
       down in B.C. (but they weren't counting backwards back then).

   14. A bed.

   15. None. Moses didn't take animals on the ark. Noah did.

   16. This year. He is 100, and his son is 50.

   17. Gwen had forty-two boyfriends. 42-1=41. 41+3=44. 44/4=11. 11-1=10.

   18. Five Thousand. Ten power five = 100,000. Divide that out
       (it was a 19:1 ratio) and you get a ratio of 95,000:5,000
       (daughters:sons).

   19. Four. If you square it, you get 16. Subtract his number of hits
       and you get 12. Subtract 10 and then 2 more and you get 0.

   20. Two ounces. (Beach ball, or ping-pong ball?) 2x2=4. 4+2^2=8. 8-8=0.


   21. Eleven men (and 15 horses). 11 (men) x 2 (feet per man)=22,
       15 (horses) x 4 (feet per horse)=60, and 22 (men's feet)
       + 60 (horse's feet) = 82 feet. Also, 11 (men) + 15 (horses)
       = 26 (total heads).

   22. House numbers. Each digit costs 15 cents.

   23. It's impossible to dig a half of a hole. Either you have a hole,
       or you don't.

   24. The letter E.



Bill Gates dies in a car accident. Arriving at the pearly gates, he
finds himself being sized up by St  Peter.

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure weather to
send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society
by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also
created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never
done before.... I'm going to let you decide where you want to go"

"So what's the difference between the two?" Bill asked.

St peter said, "I could let you visit both places briefly, if it will
help your decision."

"Fine! Where should I go first?"

"You decide."

"Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first."

So Bill Gates went to Hell. It was beautiful, clean, sandy beaches with
clear water  and lots of bikini-clad woman running around, playing in
the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shinning; the
temperature perfect. He was very pleased. "This is great!" he told
St Peter.  "If this is hell, I'd REALLY like to see heaven!"

"Fine"  said St Peter, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the
clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice,
but nothing like Hell. It didn't take long for Bill to reach his decision.

"I think I prefer Hell," he told St Peter.

So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, St Peter decided to
check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When
he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst
hot flames in a dark cave, being burned and totured by demons.

"How's everything going?" he asked Bill Gates.

His voice filled with anguish and disappointment, Bill responded,
"This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks
ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that
other place, with the beautiful beaches, the lovely woman playing
in the water?"

"Oh, that was a demo," replied  St Peter. "This is the release version."



A ventriloquist was driving in the country when he was attracted to a
large farm. He asked for and was given a tour.
As he was shown through the barn, the ventriloquist thought he'd have
some fun. He proceeded to make one of the horses talk.
The hired hand, wide-eyed with fear, rushed from the barn to the
farmer. "Sam," he shouted, "those animals are talking! If that sheep
says anything about me, it's a damned lie!" 


Q.Arnold Schwarzenneger has a long one, Michael J. Fox has a short one,
   Madonna doesn't have one, The Pope doesn't use his any more.What is it?







scroll down





keep going









A Last Name


Grandma's Connected

In the not too distant past
-I remember very well-
Grandma's tended to their knitting,
and their cookies were just swell.

They were always at the ready,
when you needed some advice.
And their sewing (I can tell you)
Was available - and nice.

Well, Grandma's not deserted you.
She dearly loves you still.
You just won't find her cooking,
but she's right there at the till.

She thinks about you daily -
you haven't been forsook.
Your photos are quite handy,
in her Pentium notebook.

She scans your art work now though,
and combines it with cool sounds,
to make electronic greetings.
She prints pictures by the pounds.

She's right there when you need her,
You really aren't alone.
She's out now with her "puter" pals,
but she took her new cell phone.

You can also leave a message
on her answering machine;
or page her at the fun meet.
She's been there since nine fifteen.

Yes, the world's a very different place,
there is no doubt of that.
So "E" her from her web page,
or join her in a chat.

She's joined the electronic age,
and it really seems to suit her.
So don't expect the same old gal,
cause Grandma's gone "Computer".


PHILOSPHIES TO GET YOU THROUGH THE DAY= If at first you don't succeed,
destroy all evidence that you tried.= A conclusion is the place where you
got tired of thinking.= Experience is something you don't get until just
after you need it.= For every action, there is an equal and opposite
criticism.= He who hesitates is probably right.= Never do card tricks for
the group you play poker with.= No one is listening until you make a
mistake.= Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.=
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it= The
hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the= bread.=
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.= To steal ideas
from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is = research.= To
succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your  =
principles.= Two wrongs are only the beginning.= You never really learn
to swear until you learn to drive.= The problem with the gene pool is
that there is no lifeguard.= Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of
your life.= The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to
catch up.  


NOAH'S ARK - A MODERN TALE:       And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: 
"In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered
with water and all the evil people are destroyed.  But I want to save a
few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet.  I
am ordering you to build Me an ark," said the Lord.   And in a flash of
lightning He delivered the specifications for an ark. "OK" said Noah,
trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.     "Six months, and
it starts to rain" thundered the Lord.  "You'd better have my ark
completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time".   And so six
months passed.  The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall.  The
Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his yard, weeping - and there was no
ark.        "Noah", shouted the Lord, "where is my ark?"  A lightning
bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah for emphasis.        "Lord,
please forgive me," begged Noah.  "I did my best, but there were big
problems.  First I had to get a building permit for the ark construction
project, and your plans did not meet code, so I had to hire an engineer
to redraw the plans.  Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the
ark needed a fire sprinkler system.  My neighbors objected claiming I was
violating zoning by building the ark in my yard, so I had to get a
variance from the city planning commission.  Then I had a big problem
getting enough wood for the ark because there was a ban on cutting trees
to save the Spotted owl.  Then the carpenters formed a union and went out
on strike.  I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor
Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer.  Now we
have 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls.  Then I started
gathering up the animals, and got sued by an animal rights group.  They
objected to me taking only two of each kind.  Just when I got the suit
dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the ark without
filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed Flood.  Then
the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain.
 I sent them a globe.  Now the IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I'm
trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a
notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax.     "I really
don't think I can finish your ark for at least another five years," Noah
wailed.        The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine.  A rainbow
arched across the sky and Noah looked up and smiled, "You mean you're not
going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked hopefully.        "Wrong!"
thundered the Lord. "but being Lord of the Universe has its advantages. 
I fully intend to smite the Earth, but with something far worse than a
Flood.  Something Man invented himself."        "What's that?" asked Noah
    There was a long pause, and then the Lord spoke:        "Government" 


We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons,"
where  :) means a smile and :( is a frown.  Sometimes these are
represented by :-) and :-( respectively.  Well, how about some
"ass icons"?

Here goes:


 (_|_)     a regular ass

 (__|__)   a fat ass

 (|)       a tight ass

 (_._)     a flat ass

 (_��_)    a bubble ass

 (_*_)     a sore ass

 (_|__)    a lop-sided ass

 {_|_}     a swishy ass

 (_o_)     an ass that's been around

 (_O_)     and ass that's been around even more

 (_x_)     kiss my ass

 (_X_)     leave my ass alone

 (_zzz_)   a tired ass

 (_o��o_)  a wise ass

 (_13_)    an unlucky ass


Subject: The word FUCK
FUCK YOU
Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the
English language today is the word "fuck". It is the one magical
word which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate.
In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories. It can be
used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive
(Mary was fucked by John).
It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb
(Mary really doesn't give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested
in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can also be used
as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful) or an interjection (Fuck!
I'm late for my date with Mary).
It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy, fuck she's also
stupid).
As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility
of the word "fuck".
Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be
used to describe many situations:

1. Greetings           "How the fuck are ya?"
2. Fraud               "I got fucked by the car dealer."
3. Resignation         "Oh, fuck it!"
4. Trouble             "I guess I'm fucked now."
5. Aggression          "FUCK YOU!"
6. Disgust             "Fuck me."
7. Confusion           "What the fuck.......?"
8. Difficulty          "I don't understand this fucking business!"
9. Despair             "Fucked again..."
10. Pleasure           "I fucking couldn't be happier."
11. Displeasure        "What the fuck is going on here?"
12. Lost               "Where the fuck are we."
13. Disbelief         "UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!"
14. Retaliation       "Up your fucking ass!"
15. Denial            "I didn't fucking do it."
16. Perplexity        "I know fuck all about it."
17. Apathy            "Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?"
18. Greetings         "How the fuck are ya?"
19. Suspicion         "Who the fuck are you?"
20. Panic             "Let's get the fuck out of here."
21. Directions        "Fuck off."
22. Disbelief         "How the fuck did you do that?"

It can be used in an anatomical description- "He's a fucking asshole."
It can be used to tell time- "It's five fucking thirty."
It can be used in business- "How did I wind up with this fucking job?"
It can be maternal- "Motherfucker."
It can be political- "Fuck Dan Quayle!"

It has also been used by many notable people throughout history:

"What the fuck was that?" Mayor of Hiroshima
"Where did all these fucking Indians come from?" General Custer
"Where the fuck is all this water coming from?" Captain of the Titanic
"That's not a real fucking gun." John Lennon
"Who's gonna fucking find out?" Richard Nixon
"Heads are going to fucking roll." Anne Boleyn
"Let the fucking woman drive." Commander of Space Shuttle "Challenger," Mark Thatcher
"Any fucking idiot could understand that." Albert Einstein
"It does so fucking look like her!" Picasso
"How the fuck did you work that out?" Pythagoras
"You want what on the fucking ceiling?" Michaelangelo
"Fuck a duck." Walt Disney
"Why?- Because its fucking there!" Edmund Hilary
"I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?" Joan of Arc
"Scattered fucking showers my ass." Noah
"I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head." John F. Kennedy


TAPE WORM JOKE

A fellow walks into his doctor's office, complaining that he thinks he
might have a tapeworm.  The doctor makes a physical examination and
listens to the symptoms, and concurs with the self-diagnosis.

"I want you to come back tomorrow, to start treatment.  And bring a
banana and a cookie with you" said the doctor.

Despite the seemingly odd request, our hero complies, and returns the
next day with a banana and a cookie. The doctor says "Okay, now drop
your pants and bend over. This is going to hurt a bit."  Although wary
about the turn of events, the patient drops his pants and bends over.
The doctor peels the banana and with one deft motion rams it up the
guy's ass. While the doctor consults his watch, our hero dances around
the room shouting at the doctor.

"Okay, one minute is up, and we have to complete the second part of
the treatment if you truly want to get rid of this tapeworm" advises
doc. Despite the pain, the patient does want to be cured, so complies
with the order to bend over again. Again, the doctor takes the cookie
and rams IT up the patients ass.

"Okay, tomorrow I want to see you here at the same time, and bring
another banana and a cookie" says the doctor. The now humbled patient,
with tears of pain in his eyes, nods his head.

Next day, the same routine ensues. First the doctor rams up a banana,
waits exactly one minute, then rams up a cookie.

And the next day, and the next day and the next!!  Every day UP goes a
banana, wait one minute, then UP goes a cookie. After one full week of
treatments, the doctor finally says "Well, tomorrow is the LAST day of
treatments. I want you to bring in a banana and a hammer."  "Not a
cookie?" asks the very frightened patient, trying to imagine what a
hammer was going to feel like.  "Nope, a hammer" confirmed the doctor.

The last day the doctor says "Okay, you know the routine". So the man
drops his pants and bends over. UP goes the banana, and the doctor
looks at his watch and picks up the hammer.

One minute passes. Then two minutes. Three. Four minutes pass.

Then a little head pokes out the patient's ass.

"WHERE'S MY COOKIE"

**WHAM**


Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers' 
Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by 
attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses 
given by insightful witnesses. 
  
 1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he 
    doesn't know about it until the next morning?" 
  
 2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?" 
  
 3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?" 
  
 4. "Were you alone or by yourself?" 
  
 5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?" 
  
 6. "Did he kill you?" 
  
 7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?" 
  
 8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?" 
  
 9. "How many times have you committed suicide?" 
  
 10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?" 
      A: "Yes." 
      Q: "And what were you doing at that time?" 
  
 11. Q: "She had three children, right?" 
     A: "Yes." 
     Q: "How many were boys?" 
     A: "None." 
     Q: "Were there any girls?" 
  
 12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?" 
     A: "Yes." 
     Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?" 
  
 13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?" 
     A: "I went to Europe, Sir." 
     Q: "And you took your new wife?" 
  
 14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?" 
     A: "By death." 
     Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?" 
  
 15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?" 
     A: "He was about medium height and had a beard." 
     Q: "Was this a male, or a female?" 
  
 16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition 
        notice which I sent to your attorney?" 
     A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work." 
  
 17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?" 
     A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people." 
  
 18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?" 
     A: "Oral." 
  
 19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?" 
     A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.." 
     Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?" 
     A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an 
        autopsy." 
  
 20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?" 
     A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel." 
  
 21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?" 
     A: "I have been since early childhood." 



Women Vs Men
============

The Difference
--------------
Women have more imagination than men.
They need it to tell us how wonderful we are.

Women have their faults. Men have only two.
Everything they say. Everything they do.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful women is one who can find such a man.


The Style
_________
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

When women are depresssed they either eat or go shopping.
Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking

A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item he
wants.
A woman will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item that she doesn't
want.


The Workplace
_____________
When a man gives his opinion, he's a man.
When a woman gives her opinions, she's a bitch.

Women are the only exploited group in history who have been idealized
into powerlessness.


Relationships
_____________
Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are a man's best friend.
Now you know which sex is smarter.

Most men's primary fantasy is still, unfortunately, access to a
number of beautiful women. For a man, commitment means giving up this fantasy.
Most women's primary fantasy is a relationship with one man who either provides
economic security or is on his way to doing so ( he has "potential").
For a woman, commitment to this type of man means achieving this fantasy.
So commitment often means that a woman achieves her primary fantasy, while
a man gives his up.

It's not true that men prefer foolish women. Rather they prefer women who
can simulate foolishness whenever necessary, which is the very core of
intelligence.


Sex
___
When a man falls in love, he wants to go to bed.
When a woman falls in love, she wants to talk about it.

I love the lines the men use to get us into bed.
"Please, I'll only put it in for a minute."
" What am I, a microwave ?"


Man's greatest advantage in the battle of the sexes is woman's
curiosity.

One puzzling thing about men - they allow their sex instincts to
drive them to where their intelligence never would take them.


Love
___
Men always want to be a woman's first love. Women have a more subtle
instinct :
What they like is to be a man's last romance.

The only way to understand a woman is to love her -
and then it isn't necessary to understand her.

" A guys know he's in love when he wants to grow old with a woman.
When he wants to stay with her in the morning ....
When he starts calling sex "making love" and afterward wants a great
big hug.
When he loses interest in the car for a couple of days.
It's that simple, I swear."

To women, love is an occupation.
To men, a preoccupation.

A man loses his sense of direction after four drinks.
A woman loses hers after four kisses.

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a
little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to
understand her at all.


Marriage
_______
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does

Men marry becasue they are tired;
woman because they are curious;
Both are disappointed

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband,
while a man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry
her; a man, of the woman who didin't.

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman
- before marriage and after marriage


Husbands
________
Two days are the best of a man's wedded life,
The days when he marries and buries his wife.

Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy.
One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is
to let her have it.

Married men live longer than single men,
But married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes - no use two people
remembering the same thing.

Women, deceived by men, want to marry them;
it is a kind of revenge as good as any other.


Wives
_____
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted

Mahatma Gandhi was what wives wish their husbands were : thin, tan
and moral.

Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke.

Husbands are like cars: all are good the first year.

You marry the man of your dreams,
but fifteen years later, you're married to a reclining chair that burps.

When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason - there's a reason.


The Battle
__________
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


On Men
_______
Man is the missing link between the ape and the human being.

Adam is but man's first draft.

If you women knew what we  were thinking, you'd never stop slapping us.

Men are like animals, but they make great pets.

A man is one who loses his illusions first,
his teeth second,
and his follies last.

When you take away what a man is born with,
and what his mother made him
all you would have is an ego.


On Woman
________
Can you imagine a world without  men ?
No crime and lots of happy fat women.

Women have two weapons - cosmetics and tears.

Women may be the only group that grows more radical with age.

God made man before woman to give him time to think of an answer for
her first question.

=============
From Men are Lunatics, Women are Nuts


Eight very happy blondes walked into the neighborhood bar 
cheering "51 days, 51 days" and giving each other high fives. 
One of them called out to the bartender, "Whew, we are 
celebrating--51 days-- give us a round of beer."
 
They laughed and cheered and drank with the conversation 
being peppered with comments about 51 days. Every once 
in a while one of them would call for another round of beer to 
celebrate 51 days.
 
As much as the bartender tried to piece together the importance 
of 51 days, he could not. Finally, as he brought these eight 
happy blondes their eighth round of beers he could not hold 
his curiosity any longer. He said, "what's this big deal about 
51 days that has you pretty things out celebrating tonight."
 
One of the blondes turned to him and said, "well, we got one 
of the jigsaw puzzles that said 2 to 4 years on the side of the 
box, and we were able to finish it in only 51 days."


Subject:  FW:Sherlock Holmes

Sherlock Holmes and his sidekick Dr Watson decided to explore nature
and decided to go camping. They set up a tent and they had an enjoyable
day fishing. When night falls, they start a fire and had fish caught from
the river. Soon they are asleep in their tent.

In the middle of the night ... Sherlock holmes wakes Dr Watson up and asks
him, "My dear old Watson ... What can you tell by looking up at the sky?"

Watson, seeing clear bright stars and the moon, says, "I deduce that it
will be a bright and fine day tomorrow."

Holmes shakes his head and replies, "You disappoint me Watson ...
Elementary... my dear friend ... Elementary ...  what I can see is
that our tent has been stolen."


*************

Subject: Top ten list

Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty At The Office But Aren't:

10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9.  Mind if I use your laptop?
8.  Just stick it in my box.
7.  If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6.  I want it on my desk, NOW!!!
5.  HMMMMMMMM....I think it's out of fluid!
4.  My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
3.  It's an entry-level position.
2.  When do you think you'll be getting off today?

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in the office but isn't:
1.  It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there!


**************

Top ten things that sound dirty in golf but aren't:

10. Nuts...my shaft is bent
9.  After 18 holes I can barely walk
8.  You really whacked the hell out of that sucker
7.  Look at the size of his putter
6.  Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more
5.  Mind if I join your threesome?
4.  Stand with your back turned and drop it
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip
2.  Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn't:
1.  Hold up...I need to wash my balls first



---------------------------------------------------------------
Two newlyweds went on their honeymoon and were getting undressed
together for the first time.  He took off his shoes and socks and his
toes were all twisted and discolored.  "What happened to you feet?"
his wife asked.

"I had a childhood disease called tolio."

"Don't you mean polio?"

"No, tolio, it only affects the toes."

He then removed his pants and revealed an awful looking pair of knees.

"What happened to your knees?" she asked.

"Well, I also had kneesles."

"Don't you mean measles?"

"No, kneesles, it only affects the knees."

When he removed his shorts his wife gasped and said, "Don't tell me,
you also had smallcox!"


A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me
back a sample tomorrow."
The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives 
him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, doc, it's like 
this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left 
hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but 
nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth
in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. 
Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands 
and her mouth too,  but nothing."
The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOR?" 
The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar 
open!"
           
 ------------------------------------
         
 A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party.  She got a 
 terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.  He, 
 being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going
 to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need of his good time
 being spoiled by not going.  So he took his costume and away he went.
 The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and
 as it was still early, she decided to go to the party.  In as much as her
 husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some 
 fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
 She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the
 dance floor, dancing with every woman he could and copping a little
 feel here and a little kiss there.  His wife came up to him and being a 
 rather seductive lady herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted
 his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.
 She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. 
 Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so 
 off they went to one of the cars and made love.  Just before
 unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume
 away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make 
 for his behavior.
 She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time 
 he had had.  He said, "Oh the same old thing.  You know I never have a 
 good time when you're not there." The she asked, "Did you dance much?" He
 replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance.  When I got
 there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and 
 played poker all evening.  But I'll tell you...  The guy I loaned my 
 costume to sure had a real good time!"


Bedroom Statue
A Woman and her lover are in bed together when hubby comes home.
The woman jumps up, shoves the guy in a corner of the bedroom, rubs
him down in baby oil and covers him in talcum powder.
'Don't move! You're a statue!'
The husband comes up to the bedroom and inquires about the new
decoration. The wife explains that the Smith family next door
acquired a statue for their bedroom recently, and if they could get one, so
could she.
The married couple go to bed, but at midnight the husband goes
downstairs, gets  a glass of milk and some cookies,
and comes back upstairs. He hands the snack to the 'statue' and
says, 'Here. I stood around for 3 days at the Smiths', and they
never fed me a thing!'


You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer.
You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?

Shoot the lawyer. Twice.


----------------------------------------------------------------------

What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?

A tick falls off of you when you die.


----------------------------------------------------------------------

Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?

To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same
service.


----------------------------------------------------------------------

What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?

Stick his bill up his ass.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?

Not enough sand.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?

A Doberman.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

If one side has one, the other side has to get one.
Once launched, they cannot be recalled.
When they land, they screw up everything forever.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

A one-in-3,000,000 chance of becoming a human being.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Did you hear that the Post Office has just recalled their latest
stamps?

They had pictures of lawyers on them ...and people couldn't figure out
which side to spit on.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?

Lipstick.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?

Skeet.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to
hit him?

It might be your bicycle.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are
walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred
dollar bill. Who gets it?

The old drunk, of course: the other three are mythical creatures.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

It was so cold last winter!

How cold was it?

It was so cold that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.
"$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer.
"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.
"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande
from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his
capture, and an enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down.
After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck
up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said,
"You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your
brains out."
But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish.
Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's
message.  The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was
buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.
"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.
The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, Gringo. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"



At a doctor's convention in Switzerland, a conversation was taking
place in a tavern after an enthusiastic mid-day lecture. A Danish doctor said,
"Medicine in my country is so advanced we can take a kidney out of one person, put
it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks."  A German doctor
said, "That's nothing! In Germany, we could take a lung out of one
person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in 4 weeks."  A
Russian doctor said, "In my country, medicine is so advanced that  we could take
half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking
for work in two weeks."  The American doctor, not to be outdone, said, "Hah,
we can take an asshole out of Arkansas, put him in the White House and half
the country will be looking for work the next day!"


TOP 5 REASONS

Why Computers Must be Male

5. They're heavily dependent on external tools and equipment.

4. They periodically cut you off right when you think you've established 
   a network connection.

3. They'll usually do what you ask them to do, but they won't do
   more than they have to and they won't think of it on their own.

2. They're typically obsolete within five years and need to be
   traded in for a new model. Some users, however, feel they've
   already invested so much in the damn machine that they're
   compelled to remain with an underpowered system.

1. They get hot when you turn them on, and that's the only time
   you have their attention.


TOP 5 REASONS

Why Computers Must be Female

5. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for 
   future reference.

3. The native language used to communicate with other
   computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

2. The message, "Bad command or filename," is about as
   informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm
   certainly not going to tell you."

1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
   spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.  



The Stupidest Man In The Whole World

by Todd Gillespie


Vice President Al Gore is innocent of all charges in connection
with illegal Democratic fund raising because he is "too stupid to have
done anything wrong," Attorney General Janet Reno said Monday.

Gore sat on Reno's knee in a press conference Monday, with the 
Attorney General appearing to operate his mouth with a string that
extended from the back of his neck.

As Secret Service agents struggled to keep a woodpecker from perching
on the Vice President's shoulder and pecking at his head, Gore and
Reno fielded reporters' questions about mounting charges of illegal
fund-raising from the Vice President's office.

Gore has maintained that he thought a March, 1996 trip to a Buddhist
temple in Los Angeles was a "community outreach" program rather than a
fundraiser, which would have been illegal.  Federal law prohibits
soliciting campaign contributions at houses of worship.

It was later revealed that the so-called community outreach netted
more than $100,000 in campaign contributions.  Gore said he had no
idea the trip was intended to raise cash.

"John Huang told me we went to the temple to learn about Chinese
culture," he said.  "I always wanted to know how to eat with sticks."
"You see what I mean?" Reno said. "I mean, this guy is a world-class
idiot."  

Amid growing charges of fund-raising irregularities, Gore has
steadfastly maintained his ignorance of any wrongdoing.  Gore has said
he was not aware that he was making campaign-fund solicitations in
more than 100 telephone calls to Democratic donors during the 1996
campaign.

Gore also has said he was unaware that the money he raised went to
so-called "hard money" accounts, which are used to finance the
election campaigns of individual candidates.

Gore's wife, Tipper, has urged him to insist that there is "no
controlling legal authority" that would have prohibited his
fund-raising. "Tipper is a silly name, isn't it?" Gore told a
reporter.

Revelations of Gore's incredible stupidity did not seem to hurt his
populist appeal.  "I sure hope he gets to be President someday,"
Bakersfield housewife Marge LaFarge said Monday.  "He's just like the
rest of us."

The Attorney General indicated that the stupidity defense was only one
strategy being tested by the Clinton administration as new scandals
erupt on an almost daily basis.  "Wait till we defend my appointment
by pointing out that I'm too freaking ugly to have slept my way into
this job," Reno said.



This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had
died in a car crash.  They had been in good health the last ten years
mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their
mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath
suite and Jacuzzi.

As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this
was going to cost.

"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that
the home backed up to.  They would have golfing privileges everyday
and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great
golf courses on earth.

The old man asked, "what are the green fees?".

Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with
the cuisines of the world laid out.

"How much to eat?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet?  This is heaven, it is free!" Peter
replied with some exasperation.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol
tables?" the old man asked timidly.

Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you
like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get
sick.  This is Heaven."

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat
and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.

Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was
wrong.  The old man looked at his wife and said,

"This is all your fault.  If it weren't for your blasted bran
muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"


  ------ The BIG LIST: How to be... ANNOYING! ------

                by Alan Meiss, ameiss@indiana.edu

                    --------------------------

Stand at the pizza bar eating the pepperonis off each slice.

Articulate your belches.

When the gang is getting videos, insist on The Three Amigos.

Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and
insist to others that you "like it that way".

Drum on every available surface.

Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strands, winding it around
your finger.

Redefine a new user's computer prompt to say: SPANK ME.

Remove every line of someone's .newsrc file except the entry
for alt.sex.fetish.hamster.duct-tape.

Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

Fax a paper loop.

Staple papers in the middle of the page.

Bring a jar of lightning bugs into the movie theater.

In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage".

Never flush, that others may admire your accomplishments.

Ask 800 operators for dates.

Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.

Insist on keeping all your stationary in the fridge.

Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.

Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

Set alarms for random times.

Permanently install as wallpaper for someone's computer desktop a scan
of the cover of Prince's Lovesexy album.

Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public
consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."

Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.

Test the echo properties of your shower with Axl Rose impressions.

Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the
volume properly adjusted.

Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while
talking to others.

The Beavis laugh.

The Butthead laugh.

Bring your taxidermy hobby along to the office.

Honk and wave to strangers.

Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.

Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of
rental movies.

Wear your pants backwards.

Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary
mints by the cash register.

Discuss your various piercings in intimate detail.

Construct small animal figures at dinner with toothpicks and tater tots.

Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

Keep National Geographic map supplements such as Trade Routes of the
Inuit in your car's glove compartment.

Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou Reed's "Metal
Machine Music".

Leave someone printer in compressed-italic-cyrillic-landscape mode.

ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

only type in lowercase.

dont use any punctuation either

Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

Pay for your dinner with pennies.

Paint the side of your house with a giant eyeball.

Leave little puddles on the toilet seat.

Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

Use perfume inserts from magazines as bookmarks.

Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

Hold long-winded debates about:
  whether January 1st, 2000, is really in the 21st century.
  whether the bad guy in Popeye cartoons was named "Brutus" or "Bluto".
  whether water drains backwards in Australia.
  whether vinyl records sound better than CD's.
  what would happen if the Coyote dropped his Acme Instant Hole on
   top of himself.
  which axis is the "abscissa" and which is the "ordinate".
  details of the floor plan of the Brady Bunch's house.
  what would happen if gravity reversed.
  whether some infinite numbers are bigger than others.
  whether tomatos are vegetables.
  whether 2 plus 2 is actually 5 in distant galaxies.
  the International Date Line

Pronounce potato poe-TAH-toe, and tomato toe-MAH-toe.

Teach your parakeet to poop on command.

Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assasination/UFO/
OJ Simpson conspiracy theories.

Wear hot-pink eye shadow.

Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?"
"What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

Light road flares on a birthday cake.

Bring a bushel bag of coupons to the grocery store and demand their
total cash value.

Play records with a paper cone.

Order a hamburger without the meat.

Order a taco without the shell.

Order a pizza without the crust.

Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your
tv and then pointing it at the screen.

Repeat all of Bob Saget's jokes to your co-workers.

Speak only in a "robot" voice.

Sit at the front of the lecture hall and clip your toenails.

Install only 20-watt light bulbs.

Write long, ominous letters to the editor demanding that NASA bomb Mars.

Make a heraldic coat-of-arms for each of your pets, including fish.

Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador".

Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce
that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

Keep hissing cockroaches as pets.

Wear your beeper to a wedding.

Purchase a 50,000 candle-power flashlight, and while away many an
evening from a high-story window by spotlighting the butts of passers-by.

Cruise around the neighborhood listening to the Carpenters at top volume.

At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

Cross-post all news messages to rec.pets.cats.

Write Bible verses on your face.

When Christmas carolling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until
physically restrained.

Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One".

As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

Before swallowing Jello, squish and slosh it around in your mouth
until it's thoroughly liquified.

Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper,
99 copies.

Leave random, clipped Ann Lander's columns on co-workers' desks, as if
suggesting they could benefit from the advice.

Insist on brushing your teeth every five minutes.

Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

Sniffle incessantly.

Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.

Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

Hold a life-size magazine photo of a face over your own, and waggle
your tongue through a hole where the mouth is.

Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your
chin.  When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up", and repeat.

Make your wine glass "scream" by rubbing a moistened finger over its rim.

Freeze bugs in ice cubes.

Vaguely insinuate that someone's toothbrush or comb was dropped in
the toilet.

Drive half a block.

Sprinkle grass clippings on your head and inform the neighbors you
are a "Lawn Goddess".

Push the end of the scotch tape flush against the roll.

Glue change to the floor.

Install twenty mysterious-looking antennas on your car.

Inform your friends, frequently and at length, how good it feels
to be done with *your* final exams.

Name your dog "Dog".

Hand out business cards identifying you as the "Maestro of Mirth".

Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

Ask people what gender they are.

Wander through the shoe department sniffing the merchandise.

Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather
conditions "to keep them tuned up".

Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts
back in the tray.

Claim that you must always wear a football helmet as part of
your "astronaut training".

Turn your eyelids inside-out.

Stare intently at someone while scribbling in a small notebook.  Conceal
it quickly and whistle absently if approached.

Wear an overcoat and dark sunglasses to church.

Pick the lima beans out of your dinner and play "flick football"
with them.

Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors
upstairs for "violating your airspace".


actually, there's more of this but ........


Get a blank bit of paper, and draw a picture of a pig on it,
just a basic drawing, don't spend all day on it.

YOU MUST NOT SCROLL DOWN
UNTIL YOU DRAW YOUR PICTURE.
NO CHEATING,




DRAW THE PIG FIRST






HAVE YOU DONE THE DRAWING ??


IF NOT GO BACK AND DO IT NOW











OK now to the interesting stuff

The pig serves as a useful test of the personality traits of
the drawer.

If the pig is drawn:

Toward the top of the paper, you are positive and optimistic.
Toward the middle, you are a realist.
Toward the bottom, you are pessimistic, and have a tendency to behave
negatively.

Facing left, you believe in tradition, are friendly, and remember
dates (birthdays, etc.)

Facing right, you are innovative and active, but don't have a strong sense
of family, nor do you remember dates.

Facing front (looking at you), you are direct, enjoy playing devil's
advocate and neither fear nor avoid discussions.

With many details, you are analytical, cautious, and distrustful.

With few details, you are emotional and naive, you care little
for details and are a risk-taker.

With less than 4 legs showing, you are insecure or are living
through a period of major change.

With 4 legs showing, you are secure, stubborn, and stick to
your ideals.

The size of the ears indicates how good a listener you are.

The bigger the better.

The length of the tail indicates the quality of your sex life!!!!
(And again more is better!)


OK, who didn't draw a tail?




SUPERBOWL FAN

A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to
the Superbowl from his company.  Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the
stadium, he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of
the stadium -- he is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field.

About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10
rows off the field right on the 50 yard line.  He decides to take a
chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security
guards to the empty seat.  As he sits down, he asks the gentleman
sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?"  The man
says no.  Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the
game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible!
Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Superbowl
and not use it?"  The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat
belongs to me.  I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed
away.  This is the first Superbowl we haven't been together at
since we got married in 1967." "Well, that's really sad," says
Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat; a
relative or close friend?" "No," the man replied, "They're all at
the funeral." 

-------------------------------------- 


The modern Arabs

A journalist had done a story on gender roles
in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that
women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.
 She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now
walked several yards behind their wives.. 

She approached one of the women for an explanation. 

"This is marvelous," said the journalist.  "What enabled women here to
achieve this reversal of roles?"

The reply was short and quick:  "Land mines" 

 --------------------------

A passenger plane on a cross country trip runs into a terrible storm. 
The  plane gets pounded by rain, hail, wind and lighting.  The 
passengers are screaming.
 They are sure the plane is going to crash and they are all
going  to die.  At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up
and exclaims, "I can't take this anymore!  I can't just sit here and die
like an animal strapped into a chair.  If I am going to die, let me
die feeling like a woman.  Is there anyone here man enough to make me
feel like a woman?"
 She sees a hand raise in the back, and a muscular man starts to walk 
to her seat.  As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt.  She can see the man's
muscles even in the poor lighting of the plane.  He stands in front of
her, shirt in hand and says to her, "I can make you feel like a woman 
before you die.  Are you interested?"
 She shakes her head yes.
 The man then says, as he hands her his shirt, "Here.  Iron this."



A blond suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her. She goes
out and buys a gun.

She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough,
she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead.

Well, the blond is angry. She opens her purse to take out the
gun, but as she does she is overcome with grief. She takes
the gun and points it to her own head.

The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it."

The blond replies:
"Shut up, you're next."

"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" "
Last summer, the President and Mrs. Clinton were vacationing in their
home state of Arkansas.  On a venture one day, they stopped at a
service station to fill up the car with gas.  It seemed that the owner
of the station was once Hillary's high school love.  They exchanged hellos,
and went on their way.  As they were driving on to their destination,
Bill put his arm around Hillary and said, "Well, honey, if you had
stayed with him, you would be the wife of a service station owner
today."

She smiled and replied, "No.  If I had stayed with him, he would be 
President of the United States."

"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" """
Three men are sentenced to death for various crimes against a mythical
and oppressive state. One is a priest, another is a drunkard, and the
third is an engineer.

The first to face the executioner is the priest. When
asked if he wanted to lie face down or face up on the guillotine, he said,
"I'll lie face up! I have nothing to fear. The Lord is on my side!" So he
lay on his back and faced the razor-sharp blade. When it was released,
the blade fell half way and stopped. The executioner exclaimed, "This must
be divine intervention. You are pardoned, and you may leave."

The next was the drunkard. When asked the same question, he chose
to lie face up like the priest, saying, "I'm a drunk, not an idiot." So
he lay on his back, too, facing the sharp blade as the sun glinted off
its keen edge. Again, the blade fell only half way and stopped. The
executioner exclaimed, "The lord is generous today. You are
pardoned, and you may also leave."

Finally, it was time for the engineer. He also chose to lie on
his back.  After all, it seemed that was the lucky thing to do that day. He
lay on his back looking up at the heavy blade tensing against the rope.
Just before the blade was let loose he shouted, "Wait, I think I see
the problem. "



How Do You Know If You're In Love, In lust, or 
Really Married?

LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST - When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE - When you lose your child in crowded room.

LOVE - When intercourse is called "making love."
LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing."
MARRIAGE - What the hell are you talking about?

LOVE - When you argue over how many children to have.
LUST - When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE - When you argue over money.

LOVE - When you share everything you own.
LUST - When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.

LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST - When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE - What's a climax?

LOVE - When you phone each other just to say, "Hi."
LUST - When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.
MARRIAGE - When you phone each other to bitch.

LOVE - When you write poems about your partner.>
LUST - When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks.

LOVE - When you show concern for your partner's feelings.
LUST - When you couldn't give a shit.
MARRIAGE - When your only concern is what's on TV.

LOVE - When your farewell is "I love you, darling..."
LUST - When your farewell is "So, same time next week..."
MARRIAGE - When your farewell is a relief.

LOVE - When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST - When you only see each other naked.
MARRIAGE - When you never see each other awake.

LOVE - When your heart flutters everytime you see them.
LUST - When your groin twitches everytime you see them.
MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties everytime you see them.

LOVE - When nobody else matters.
LUST - When nobody else knows.
MARRIAGE - When everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.

LOVE - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST - When the song on the radio determines how you do it.
MARRIAGE - When you listen to talk radio.

LOVE - When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST - When staying together is something you try not to think about.
MARRIAGE - When just getting through today is your only thought.

LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.



     Q: Whats the best thing about having sex with a 10 year old?
     A: You can pretend shes 5.
     
     Q: Whats the best thing about having sex with a 5 yr old?
     A: When you hear her pelvis break.
    
     Q: Whats the worst thing about having sex with a 5 yr old?
     A: When she says shes had better.
     
     Q: What do women and spaghetti have in common?
     A: They both squirm when you eat them.
     
     Q: Whats 69 and 69?
     A: Dinner for four.
     
     Q: Why don't chickens wear underwear?
     A: Because their peckers are on their faces.
  
     Q: Whats worse than being raped by Jack the Ripper?
     A: Being fingered by Captain Hook.
  
     Q: Whats worse than lobsters on your piano?
     A: Crabs on your organ.
  
     Did you hear about the nympho at the hotel pool?
     She was barred from the area after the lifeguard saw
     her go down for the third time.
  
     Q: How do you make a hormone?
     A: Don't pay her.
  
     Q: Why have lepers got soft heads?
     A: So their friends can dip their chips in.
  
     Did you hear about the Leper Card game?
     One threw his hand in, one laughed his head off and one cried his eyes out.
  
     Q: Whats the difference between 'ohh' and 'ahh'?
     A: About 4 inches.
  
     Q: When does a cub become a boy scout?
     A:When he eats his first Brownie.
  
     Q: Whats the difference between Like and Love?
     A: Spit and Swallow.
  
     Q: How does a women hold her liquor?
     A: By the ears.
  
     Q: Whats the difference between men and jelly beans?
     A: Jelly beans come in difference colours.
  
     Q: What do Rubiks cube and a penis have in common?
     A: The longer you play with it, the harder it gets!
  
     Q: Why do female paratroopers wear jockstraps?
     A: So they don't whistle on the way down.
  
     Q: How can you tell a macho women?
     A: She rolls her own tampons.
 
     Q: What do a coffin and a condom have in common?
     A: They're both filled with stiffs - only ones coming and ones going.
  
     Q: How do you know that a female bartender is pissed off with you?
     A: There's a string hanging out of your bloody Mary.
  
     Q: How do you recycle a used tampon?
     A: As a tea-bag for vampires.
  
     Q: What do you get if you cross Bananarama with a Vibrator?
     A: Wet, Wet, Wet
  
     Q: Whats 12 inchs long and stiff in the morning?
     A: Cot-death.
 
     How do you get four poofs on a barstool?
     Turn it upside down
  
     What do elephants use as tampons?
     Sheep
  
     What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
     Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job
  
     Did you hear about the poof who got fired from the Sperm Bank?
     He was caught drinking on the job
  
     What do you do in case of fallout?
     Put it back in and take shorter strokes
 
     What's better than a rose on your piano?
     Two lips on your organ
  
     What is the definition of pure agony ?
     F**king a meat mincer!
  
     What's a 68?
     You do me, and I'll owe you one!
  
     Why does Nancy Reagan always climb on top?
     Because Ronnie can only f*ck up
  
     Why do women have two holes so close together?
     In case you miss
  
     How do you tell if a woman is wearing underwear?
     Look for dandruff on her shoes
  
     What's the height of confusion?
     Fathers Day in Brixton
  
     What's the ultimate in rejection?
     When your wanking hand falls asleep
  
     What is organic dental floss?
     Pubic hair
  
     What are the three greatest lies?
     a)the cheque is in the post
     b)small is beatiful
     c)I won't come in your mouth
  
     Q :How can you tell if your girlfriend's frigid ?
     A :When you open her legs the lights go on
  
     Q :Why did the pervert cross the road?
     A :Because he got his n*b stuck in the chicken?
  
     Q :Why did God give women legs?
     A :Well, think of the mess a snail makes!
  
********************************************************************
  
       King Arthur was to set off on yet another journey of quest and
  conquest etc but he had the problem of what to do with his randy wife
  Mrs Arthur. (Ok, not original but it`ll do)
       He summoned Merlin and explained the problem. Merlin said he had
  just the thing. (Fnar Fnar!)
  "I have just the thing" said Merlin
       Merlin produced from a box of tricks a large latex vibrator and 
  said to King Arthur that this magic dick would be just the thing. Mrs A
  could command it quit simply and it would never fail to satisfy. All she
  had to do was utter the comand magic `penis my cunt' and it would satisfy
  her every need until she gave  the comand `majic penis stop'.
       Arthur demonstrated this to his randy wife that afternoon and it 
  was fine. Arthur left on his crusade the very next morning secure in the
  knowledge that his wife would stay faithfull.
       Back at the castle Mrs A was feeling a little horny. She decided 
  the magic penis would be just the thing (fnar fnar!) and retired to her 
  chamber for a monster diddle.
       All went well and rgasmafter orgasm passed for what must have been
  hours. By this time Mrs A was just a trifle hungry and fancied quick nibble.
  Unfortunately thru all that passion she had forgotten the command to call 
  off the magic penis and try as she might she couldn`t get it right.
       In sheer desparation she prised it from her but still it would not 
  stop and tried desterately to re-insert itself.
       Mrs A ran, down the stairs, through the hall and out of the castle 
  gate persued by the crased vibro. As she passed the gate a gaurd shouted to
  her why she was in such a rush.
  "Im being chased by a magic penis" she replied
  "Magic penis my arse..." said the gaurd "uuuuugh !"
     
 
********************************************************************

     A nun is undressing for a bath and while she's standing naked
     there's a knock at the door.
     The nun calls: "Who is it?"
     a voice answers: "A blind man".
  
     The nun decides to get a thrill by having the blind man in
     the room while she's naked so she lets him in.
     The man walks in, looks straight at the nun and says:
     
     "Corrrrrrrrrrrr, and can I sell you a blind dearie...?"
  
 
********************************************************************  
  
  Two storks on a nest: a father stork and baby stork. Baby is crying and
  crying, and father stork is trying to calm him. "Don't worry, son. Your
  mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them
  happy." The next night, it's fathers turn to do the job. "Son, your father
  will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies
  and daddies." A few days later. The stork parents are desperate: their son
  is gone from the nest all night! Finally, short before dawn, he returns and
  the parents ask their son where he had been all night. Sais the baby stork:
  "Aww, just scaring the sh*t out of college kids!"
  
********************************************************************
  
     Q. What do you call a whore with her own transport?
     A. Feels on Wheels !
  
 
********************************************************************
  
  A  man  walks into a jewlers, unzips his trousers, and places his tool
  upon the counter.
  The  lady  serving  says,  "I'm sorry sir, this is a clock shop, not a
  cock shop."
  "Well, put two hands on this," replies the man.
  
 
********************************************************************
  
     Which of the following doesn't belong?
     (a) meat
     (b) eggs
     (c) wife
     (d) blowjob.
     Answer: (d) a blowjob because it's possible to beat your meat, your
             eggs, or your wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.
  
 
********************************************************************
  
  Entry in young woman's diary :
  
  Monday   : Went out with John tonight. We were in his car and he tried to get
             too friendly. I got out of the car and walked away.
             My legs are still my best friends.
  Tuesday  : Went out with Peter tonight. We were in his car and he tried to get
             too friendly also. I got out of the car and walked away.
             My legs are still my best friends.
  Wednesday: Went out with Jock tonight. I like Jock. We were in his car and
             he tried to get too friendly. I didn't get out and walk away.
             Even the best of friends must part!
  
 
********************************************************************
  
     Q: Why is a woman like a dog turd?
     A: The older it is, the easier it is to pick up.
  
     Q: What's the difference between a woman(man) and a toilet?
     A: A toilet doesn't follow you around once you've used it.
  
     Q: What's got four legs and one arm ?
     A: A Rotwieller.
  
 
********************************************************************
  
     Her father was very angry when he heard
     that his twenty-year old daughter had
     hitch-hiked, all alone, all the way from
     San Francisco to Washington.
     -"For Gods sake !", he screamed,"someone
     could have attacked you and raped you!!!"
     -"I wasn't ever in no danger at all", she
     said, trying to calm him down,"As soon as
     someone gave me a ride, I said I was going
     to Washington, because that's where they
     have the best treatment for sexually
     transmitted diseases."
  
 
********************************************************************
  
  One day a twelve year old boy walks into a brothel,dragging a dead frog
  behind him.
  The Madam asks "Can I help you son?"
  He replys "Yes I'd like a girl for the night."
  She says "I'm afraid you are too young for one of my girls."
  
  So he gets out his wallet and gives her $200 (actually 200 pounds but the
  key doesn't work).
  
  To which she says "She'll be waiting for you up stairs."
  The boy says "But shes got to have active Herpies."
  The Madam replys "But all my girls are clean!"
  
  So out comes the wallet again and he gives her another $200.
  
  The Madam says "OK,she'll be ready for you in about 10 mins".
  
  So he goes up the stairs dragging the dead frog. 1/2 an hour later he comes
  down the stairs,with a big grin on his face,still dragging the dead frog.
  
  By now the Madam was just a touch curious so she asked him "Why did you come
  in here,dragging a dead frog and asking for a girl with active herpies?".
  
  "Well,it's like this",he says "When I get home tonight I f*ck the baby-sitter
  and she'll get it. Then when my parents get home dad will drive her home and
  on the way they'll stop and have sex, and he'll get it. Later when dad gets
  home mum and dad will make love and she'll get it. And at about 9.30
  tomorrow morning, when dad has gone to work,the milkman will come round,
  f*ck my mother and he'll get it."
     
  AND HE'S THE BASTARD WHO KILLED MY FROG !!!
  
 
********************************************************************
 
     What do you call a rabbit with a bent dick?.
     Fucks funny!.
  
     Did you hear about the guy that entered his dog at Crufts?
     He got 16 months
  
     Q what do you call grit in a condom
     A An organ grinder!.
  
     Q Whats green and eats nuts
     A Herpes!.
  
     Why did the condom fly across the room?
     Because it got pissed off.
  
     Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
     He decided to stick it out for one more year!
  
 
********************************************************************
  
     Vicar:  What's that you're doing, Tommy?
  
     Tommy:  Sticking bangers up frog's arses, Vicar
  
     Vicar:  Rectum, Tommy
  
     Tommy:  Blows 'em to fucking pieces, Vicar!
  
 
********************************************************************
  
  A kid goes up to his father.  "Dad, what's the difference between 
  "essence" and "reality"?  The father thinks for a moment.  "Son, you go up 
  to both your mother and sister and ask them if they would sleep with a 
  total stranger for a million dollars."
  
  The kid leaves the room and comes back a few minutes later.
  
  "They both said yes" he tells his father.
  
  "I will now explain to you the difference between "essence" and "reality" 
  " says the father.  "In essence, we are sitting on two million dollars, 
  but in reality you have two whores for a mother and sister."
  
 
********************************************************************
  
  Q: Daddy, how come I get so many gifts to my birthday?
  A: Because you have cancer, son.
  
 
********************************************************************
  
  On the first evening of their honeymoon they are sitting on the balcony
  of the hotel while the sun is setting.
  "Honey", she says,"now that we're married, will you tell me
  what a penis is ?"
  He almost fell off the chair when he heard her ask.
  So, being her husband, he led her into their room and took his pants off.
  "*This*, my love, is a penis." he told her.
  "Oh", she exclaimed, "it's like a d*ck, but much smaller."
  
 
********************************************************************
  
  "I know a Girl that doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, doesn't swear,
  goes to bed early, and isn't thinking about sex all the time."
  "Hey, that's great."
  "Yes, I know, and, you know, tomorrow she'll be five years old."
  
 
********************************************************************
  
  John McCarthy gets home after being released by the towel-head
  kidnappers.  He gets together with the lovely Jill who has been
  waiting for him all this time, and they prepare for their first bonk
  for 5 years.
  "John, I know this might be difficult for you after all this time, so
  if there's anything special you want me to do, go fast or slow or
  anything, just say and I'll do it."
  "Well there are two things..."
  "Yes, tell me what you want, it'll be OK."
  "First, I want to take you from behind... doggy style... up the arse."
  She pales slightly, swallows and says:
  "Well, OK then, we can do that if that's what you want.  What's the
  second thing?"
  "And can I call you Terry?"
  
 
********************************************************************
  
    The waitress wants to deposit 10 dollars on
    her bank-account.
    "I'm sorry ma'm", the cashier says,"but I'm
    afraid this bank-note is false."
    "Auh!", she yells, "that means I was raped."
  
 
********************************************************************
  
  Q. What does american beer and making love in a small rowing-boat have in
     common?
  A. They are both fucking close to water!
  
 
********************************************************************
  
  Once upon a time 7 dwarves were knocking on a nun monasterys gates and
  demanding entrance. Soon afterwards they were let inside and led to 
  monastery's leader. She was a tough nun and asked the dwarfs:
  -Well, what do you want?
  So Shy asked shyly:
  -Do you have a nun less than a meter tall?
  The nun pondered the question for a while and replied negatively. After 
  the 7 dwarves had heard the answer they bursted into laughter and started
  shouting:
  Shy has fucked a penguin! Shy has fucked a penguin!
  
 
********************************************************************
  
   Q:  What is the similarity between British Telecom and Elton John?
   A:  They have both been fucked by Mercury.
  
 
********************************************************************
  
     There are three people in a pub. Two of them do talk together. They
     seem to be brooding. So they ask each other why they are brooding.
     The first one says : "Well, I think it's because I fuck (I
     translate as best as possible !) only once every month"...
     Then the second one replies : "Oh, that's true. In my case it's only
     once every other month"
     Then both look at the third guy, who seems to be very cheerful. They
     are puzzled, so they ask him how often he has a screw.
     "Once every six monthes" says the fellow.
     "Then", ask the first, "why are you so happy ?"
     And the third replies "Because it's tonight !!!"
  
 
********************************************************************
  
  Carl and Vera was out walking by the side of a lake. They watched a 
  windsurfer having a good time, when suddenly the surfer fell in the water.
  They both watched the surfer go up and down while he was crying out for 
  help. When he sank for the final time Vera ordered Carl to dive for the 
  man. After some discussion Carl gave up and dived to the bottom of the 
  lake, pulled the man up on the lakeside.
  Vera looked at the guy and found out that he wasn't breathing. This time 
  Vera ordered Carl to give mouth to mouth. Carl knew what he had to do and
  started up. After the first blow of air in the drowned guys mouth he
  suddenly pulled his head back while shouting out : "Oh my God, this guy 
  smells horrible".
    
  Vera first looked at Carl then at the drowned guy and replied :
  "Carl - I'm sorry to say - I don't think this is the right guy, this one
  wear skates !!!!!!"
  
 
********************************************************************
  
  A man and a woman are sitting next to each other in an airplane. All of a
  sudden, the man sneezes powerfully. He takes out his handkerchief, opens
  his zipper, takes out his Willy and after having carefully wiped it,
  puts it back in and closes the zipper.
  
  The Woman is shocked - but she thinks it wiser not to say anything and tries
  not to pay any attention whatsoever to this horrifying man.
  
  Then there is a second sneeze, as loud as the first one. And the same 
  outine: Zipper open, Willy out, Wiping, Willy in and Zipper close. That nearly makes
  the woman sick but she just tries to ignore the whole thing.
  
  After the third sneeze (and the routine) she cannot help but ask:
  
     "Excuse me, Sir, but you have now sneezed three times. And after each
      time you have taken out your penis and wiped it. May I inquire why?"
  
     "Oh - you see Ma'am. Every time I sneeze I get an orgasm."
  
     "But that's awfull! What do you take for it?"
  
     "Pepper." Answers the man.
  
 
********************************************************************
  
    Old farmer Johnson was dying.
    The family was standing around his bed.
    With a low voice he said to his wife:
      "When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones".
    Wife:      No, I can't marry anyone after You.
    Johnson:But I want you to.
    Wife: But why?
    Johnson: Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!
  
 
********************************************************************
  
  Victor, after a long, hard days work, decides he needs some relaxation, 
  so he goes to his local brothel.  He enters and finds the maddame.  As 
  it's the busiest time of the day, there is only one girl left, who is
  chineese and doesn't know a word of english.
  
  "I'll take her."  He sais desperately, as he is also in a hurry.
  
  So they proceed upstairs and get down to business. As Victor is going full
  whack the girl begins to shout out
  
  "Sung wa! Sung wa!"  To which Victor assumes that this means, great, 
  fantastic etc, so he continues unpreturbed.
  
  The following day he is at a golf meeting with a wealthy,prospective 
  Chineese client, and is trying to impress him in any way he can.  Just 
  then the client T's off and gets a whole in one.  This gives Victor the
  opportunity to use his newly found chineese phrase...
  
  "Sung wa! Sung wa!" He proclames, to which the client replies,
  "Wrong hole?  What do you mean wrong hole?"
  
 
********************************************************************
  
    A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear.  He carries his trusty
  22-gauge rifle with him.  After a while, he spots a very large bear,
  takes aim, and fires.  When the smoke clears, the bear is gone.  A
  moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says,
  
  "No one shoots at me and gets away with it.  You have
  two choices:  I can rip your throat out and eat you,
  or you can drop your trousers, bend over, and I'll
  [ insert appropriate colloquial for sodomy here ]."
  
    The hunter decides that anything is better than death, so he drops his
  trousers and bends over, and the bear does what he said he would do.
  After the bear has left, the hunter pulls up his trousers again and
  staggers back into town.  He's pretty mad.
  
    He buys a much larger gun and returns to the forest.  He sees the same
  bear, aims, and fires.  When the smoke clears, the bear is gone.  A
  moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says,
  
  "You know what to do."
  
    Afterwards, the hunter pulls up his trousers, crawls back into town,
  and buys a bazooka.  Now he's really mad.  He returns to the forest,
  sees the bear, aims, and fires.  The force of the bazooka blast knocks
  him flat on his back.  When the smoke clears, the bear is standing over
  him and says,
  
  "You're not doing this for the hunting, are you?"
  
 
********************************************************************
  
  Did you hear about the man who went into a crematorium collecting
  ashes to sell to cannibals as Ready Brek.
  
 
********************************************************************
  
  A dissolute farmer's son, Johnny was called in one day for the final 
  ultimatum from Farmer Buck.
  "Now, me son - we've had our differences, and we've argued.  You know I 
  think you're not much good, and you know your brothers think worse.  Now
  I'm willing to let all this be forgotten if you simply do one thing right. 
  I'm giving these two fine, fat ducks, see, and you're going to take 'em to
  market tomorrow.  You're going to sell 'em, five dollars the pair, and
  bring all of it home to me.  See how simple it is?  Two ducks, five bucks. 
  OK?"
  
  Johnny agrees, and the new day dawns.  About 11am, Farmer Jim throws 
  Johnny out into the road with two ducks in a sack, and our hero slouches
  off.  It's a beautiful day, birds are singing, the sky is blue - and
  Naughty Jen the milkmaid from next door is sitting in the barn with her
  dress up above her knees, and suddenly the market doesn't look so
  attractive any more....  But Jen's a mercenary sort, and when it gets down
  to the bodice and knickers, she says: "Stop right there, young Jack, unless
  you got a present for me!" Johhny's straining at the fly about now, so all
  his owner can do is grunt: "got two ducks in me bag, OK?"
  She considers.
  "Oh, alright!" and they set to.
  After a most pleasant little interlude, and a quiet time in the hay, Jen 
  stirs Johnny from his rest.
  "Come now, little man, let's see if you're up to it then".
  Johnny stirs. 
  "Shall we say the ducks come back, then, Jen?"
  Mesmerised by the sight of Johnny rising, she eagerly agrees.
  
  Much later, Johnny jolts awake as the setting sun shines into his eyes.
  "Christ, I forgot the market!" he says, and sprints off down the road, 
  duck bag banging his leg, belt al undone.
  
  Of course, he was too late for market, and his brothers pass him coming 
  back in their cart, smirking as they riffle their wads of bills.  Drearily
  he turns about, and shuffles home.
  
  He's moping along,swinging his bag of ducks fore emphasis as he practices 
  what he is going to say to his father, when a carriage thunders around the
  bend behind him.  He gets such a fright he drops the ducks, and dives into 
  the ditch.  As he surfaces, spitting weed, he sees an elderly woman, all
  distraught, berating her driver.
  "Are you alright, my good man?  My idiot of a driver goes much too fast 
  for these lanes.  Is this your sack?"
  Johnny scents a good thing.
  "Why, yes, ma'am, and I hope me ducks is alright".
  Of course the ducks are squashed beyond repair, and Johnny has an enjoyable 
  few minutes shedding a tear over his prides-and-joys, until the old woman
  eventually gives him fifty dollars, and drives off, leaving Johnny with 
  the two squashed ducks.
  
  Johnny's welcome was as he thought it would be: his father raves as his
  brothers smirk, at the two indubitably unsold dead ducks.
  "You useless litle bastard, see how I can't even trust you to do the 
  simplest thing?  Five bucks for two ducks, that' all I asked, and what have
  you got? Still two ducks, I see, and that means no money!  I ought to...."
  His father tails off as he says Johnny's quiet smile, and his upraised hand.
  "Five bucks you wanted father, for the ducks?  Here, here's five - and
  forty-five for meself, and the ducks back!  And you want to know how it was
  done?  Simple.
  Two ducks for a fuck, a fuck for two ducks, fifty bucks for two fucked 
  ducks, now fuck you, Buck!"
  And he walked off with the ducks to see if Jen couldn't be persuaded into 
  an encore...
  
 
********************************************************************
  
    Q. What do a motor scooter and a fat woman have in common?
    A. They are both fun to ride until you friends see you.
  
 
********************************************************************
  
    Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new car?
    Neither has he.
  
 
********************************************************************
  
    I recently saw a condom machine in a toilet which had a 
     'Tested to British Safety Standards' sign on it...
  
    Underneath someone had scrawled...
  
           '.......SO WAS THE TITANIC !!'
  
 
********************************************************************
  
    Whats yellow and hates liver ?
    Ben Hardwick.
  
    Whats the difference between Ben Hardwick and Leone Keating ?
    Ben Hardwick died a virgin.
 
 
********************************************************************


50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator

by Alan Meiss, ameiss@gn.ecn.purdue.edu


 1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
 2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your
 kleenex to other passengers.
 3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and
 muttering:  "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
 4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
 5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
 6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the
 elevator.
 7. Shave.
 8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask:  
 "Got enough air in there?"
 9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator.  Wear yours
 upside-down.
 10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall,
 without getting off.
 11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the
 doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
 12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie
 patrol coming!"
 13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and 
 ask them to call you Admiral.
 14. One word: Flatulence!
 15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open
 until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the
 bottom.
 16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
 17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce:
 "I've got new socks on!"
 18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back:  "Oh, not now,
 damn motion sickness!"
 19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
 20. Meow occassionally.
 21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
 22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
 23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
 24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
 25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
 26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
 27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce
 "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
 28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
 29. Leave a box between the doors.
 30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
 31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
 32. Start a sing-along.
 33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
 34. Play the harmonica.
 35. Shadow box.
 36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
 37. Lean against the button panel.
 38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
 39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
 40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other
 passengers that this is your "personal space."
 41. Bring a chair along.
 42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in
 muh mouf?"
 43. Blow spit bubbles.
 44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
 45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
 46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
 47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
 48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
 49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
 50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad
 touch!"


The pilot of an aerobatic biplane landed in the recently mown field of a
Scottish farmer to make a few adjustments to his engine. While he was
tinkering with his machine, he noticed the Scotsman and his wife
watching with a great deal of curiosity.  The Scotsman asked the pilot
how much he would charge to give both he and his wife a ride.

"Well", said the pilot, "Normally I charge $50 dollars each, but if you
are both completely quiet throughout the flight, the ride will be free
of charge.  If I hear the least amount of noise, you will owe the full
fare."

The couple quickly climbed aboard, and the pilot taxied and took off.
Immediately, he proceeded to put his plane through all of its paces:
barrel rolls, stalls, spins, split S maneuvers, you name it and he did
it.  The couple in back were completely silent through out the thirty
minute flight.

Upon landing, the pilot said, "I really have to hand it to you for
keeping quiet through all that!"

"Aye," said the Scotsman, "but I'll admit, ye almost heard me when the
wife fell out."


Late one night, an alien spacecraft landed near a deserted gas
station. After a bit, one of the aliens came down the ramp, looked
around, and walked over to one of the gas pumps, where he demanded,
"Earthling. Take me to you leader!" The gas pump, of course, did not
reply. The alien became agitated and again demanded, "Take me to your
leader!" The gas pump remained silent.

Frustrated, the alien went back to the spacecraft where he was 
confronted by the captain: "Report!"
     "I contacted an Earthling. He would not cooperate." 
     "Hmmmm. I will deal with this Earthling myself."
     "Yes, Sir. Be careful, Sir. I have a feeling there could be
      trouble."

The captain left the ship and approached the gas pump. "Earthling,
you will cooperate. Take me to your leader." The gas pump remained
unresponsive. "If you do not respond by the count of three, I shall
be forced to fire on you. One. Two. Three. ZZZZZZZZT! WHAM!

The gas pump exploded, knocking the alien ass over teakettle. 
The captain jumped up and got back to his ship as fast as his 
whatevers would propel him...
     "Quickly! Make ready to depart!"
     "Yes, Sir. What happened, Sir?"
     "I fired on the Earthling and it responded very forcefully."
     "Sorry Sir, I was afraid that might happen." "How did you know
     that there would be trouble?" "Well, Sir, I assumed that anyone
     who can take his whatzit, wrap it around his feet and stick it 
     in his left ear is probably going to be
     one tough bastard."
 
 
 ******Which Condom Would You Use******
 Nike Condoms:  Just do it.

 Toyota Condoms:  Oh what a feeling.

 Diet Pepsi Condoms:  You got the right one, baby.

 Pringles Condoms:  Once you pop, you can't stop.

 Mentos Condoms:  The fresh maker.

 Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack:  Ten million strong and growing.

 Secret Condoms:  Strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for a woman.

 Macintosh Condom:  It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.

 Ford Condoms:  The best never rest.

 Chevy Condoms:  Like a rock.

 Dial Condoms:  Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?

 New York Lotto Condoms:  Cause hey - you never know.

 California Lotto Condoms:  Who's next?

 Avis Condoms:  Trying harder than ever.

 KFC Condoms:  Finger-Licking Good.

 Coca Cola Condoms:  Always the Real Thing.

 Lays Condoms:  Betcha can't have just one.

 Campbell's Soup Condoms:  Mmm, mmm, good.

 General Electric Condoms:  We bring good things to life!

 AT&T Condoms:  Reach out and touch someone.

 Bounty:  The quicker picker upper.

 Microsoft: Where do you want to go today ?

 Nissan: Enjoy the ride.

 Energizer:  It keeps going and going and going....

 M&M condom:  It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!

 Taco Bell:  Get some; make a run for the border.

 MCI:  For friends and family

 Doublemint: Double your pleasure, double your fun!

 The Sears latex condom:  One coat is good for the entire winter.

 Delta Airlines travel pack: Delta is ready when you are.

 United Airlines travel pack:  Fly United.

 The Star Trek Condom:  To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before.


A boy and his Father visiting from a third world country were at
an American shopping mall.  They were amazed by almost everything
they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move 
apart and back together again.
  
The boy asked his Father, "What is this Father?".
  
The Father responded, "Son I have never seen anything like this
in my life, I don`t know what it is!".

While the boy and his Father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a
wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.  The
walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.  The 
walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights
with numbers above the walls light up.
  
They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a voluptuous 24 year old woman stepped
out.
  
The Father said to his son, "Go get your Mother".
  
  
  Cat Bathing Is A Martial Art


        Some people say cats never have to be bathed.  They say
cats lick themselves clean.  They say cats have a special enzyme of
some sort in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk -
dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away.

        I've spent most of my life believing this folklore.  Like
most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to
the contrary, the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the
garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the
fireplace.

        The time comes, however, when a man must face reality: when
he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to
the contrary and announce:  "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on
a hot day in Juarez."

        When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I
have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend
under your arm and head for the bathtub:

        --  Know that although the cat has the advantage of
quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the
advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting
the battlefield.  Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he
can force you to chase him.  Pick a very small bathroom. If your
bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in
the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you
were about to take a shower.  (A simple shower curtain will not do.
A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker
than a politician can shift positions.)

        --  Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to
remove all the skin from your body.  Your advantage here is that
you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself.  I
recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots,
a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask,
and a long-sleeved flak jacket.

        --  Prepare everything in advance.  There is no time to go
out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak
jacket.  Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is
inside the glass enclosure.  Make sure the towel can be reached,
even if you are lying on your back in the water.

        --  Use the element of surprise.  Pick up your cat
nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish.  (Cats
will not usually notice your strange attire.  They have little or
no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb,
calmly explain that you are taking part in a product testing
experiment for J.C. Penney.)

        --  Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to
survival.  In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step
into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in
the water and squirt him with shampoo.  You have begun one of the
wildest 45 seconds of your life.

        Cats have no handles.  Add the fact that he now has soapy
fur, and the problem is radically compounded.  Do not expect to
hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time.  When
you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt
of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back
into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record
for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)

        --  Next, the cat must be dried.  Novice cat bathers always
assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally
are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really
determined.  In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you
have just been through.  That's because by now the cat is
semipermanently affixed to your right leg.  You simply pop the
drain plug with you foot, reach for your towel and wait.
(Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of
your army helmet.  If this happens, the best thing you can do is to
shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all
the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just
reach down and dry the cat.

        In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from
your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks
and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you.  He
might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a
plaster figurine.

        You will be tempted to assume he is angry.  This isn't
usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get
through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you
decide to give him a bath.

        But at least now he smells a lot better.
        
        
        
        HOW TO KILL AN EEL

         Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age,
rather curious.  He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from
other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done.  One day he 
took his questions to his mother, and she became flustered.  Instead of 
explaining things to Johnny she told him to hide behind the curtains one 
night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend.  This he did, and the 
following morning Johnny described everything to his mother:

         Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned 
off most of the lights.  Then he started to kiss and hug her,
I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking
funny.  He must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her
blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would.  Except he's not 
as good as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding
her heart.  He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them
started panting and getting all out of breath.  His other hand must
have been getting cold because he put it under her skirt.  About this
time, sis got toward the end of the couch.  This was when the fever
started.  I know it was a fever because sis told him she was really 
HOT.

           Finally, I found out what was making them so sick....  a big
eel around 9 inches long had gotten inside his pants somehow.  It just
jumped out of his pants and stood there.  HONEST! anyway, he grabbed it 
in one hand to keep it from getting away.  When sis saw it she got really 
scared.  Her eyes got really big and her mouth fell open, and she started 
calling out to God and stuff like that.  I should tell her about the ones 
I saw at the lake! 
 "Anyway", sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head 
off.  All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go... I guess it 
bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while 
he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eels head to keep 
it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor 
lock on it. And he helped by laying on the top of the eel.  The eel put up 
a hell of a fight.  Sis started groaning and squeeling and her boyfriend 
almost upset the couch.  I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it 
between them. After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. !
Her boyfriend sat up and sure enough they had killed the eel... I knew 
it was dead because it just hung there limp and some of its insides were 
hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they 
went on courting anyway.  He started hugging and kissing her again.  And by 
golly, the eel wasn't dead after all.  It jumped straight up and started to fight 
again . I guess eels are like cats.... they have nine lives or something.


         This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting
on it.  After about 35 minutes of struggle, they finally killed the
eel.  I know it was dead this time because I saw sis's boyfriend peel
off the skin and flush it down the toilet.
 
 
 
 A few thoughts from Homer for you


      Homer beer song

           _------_
          /        \         DO RE MI DRINK, by Homer J. Simpson.
         |          |
         |          |        *ahem* La la la la.... *ahem* LAAAAAAA!!
         |     __  __)
         |    /  \/  \       DO...... the stuff... that buys me beer...
        /\/\ (o   )o  )      RAY..... the guy that sells me beer...
        /c    \__/ --.       ME...... the guy... who drinks the beer,
       (              )      FAR..... a long way to get beer...
        \_   _-------'       SO...... I'll have another beer...
         |  /         \      LA...... I'll have another beer...
         | | '\_______)      TEA..... no thanks, I'm drinking beer...
         |  \_____)          That will bring us back to...
         |_____ |            (Looks into an empty glass)
        /         \          D'OH!



High School vs. College

25. In high school, you do homework. In college, you study.

24. No food is allowed in the hall in high school. In college, food must
    be provided at an event before students will come.

23. In high school, you wear your backpack on one shoulder; in college,
    on both.

22. In college, the professors can tell you the answer without looking
    at the teacher's guide.

21. In college, there are no bells or tardy slips.

20. In high school, you have to live with your parents..  In college, you
    get to live with your friends.

19. In college, you don't have to wait in a certain lunch line to be cool.

18. Only nerds e-mailed in high school. (Cool kids hadn't heard of it.)

17. In high school, you're told what classes to take.  In college, you
    get to choose; that is, as long as the classes don't conflict and
    you have the prerequisites and the classes aren't closed and you've
    paid your tuition.

16. In high school, if you screw up you can usually sweet-talk your way
    out of it. In college, you're lucky to ever talk with the professor.

15. In high school, fire drills are planned by the administration; in
    college, by the drunk frat boys on their way home when the bars
    close.

14. In college, any test consists of a larger percentage of your grade
    than your high school final exams ever did.

13. In high school, when the teacher said, "Good morning," you mumbled
    back. In college, when the professor says, "Good morning," you write
    it down.

12. In high school, freshman guys hit on senior girls. In college,
    senior guys hit on freshman girls.

11. In college, weekends start on Thursday.

10. In college, it's much more difficult to figure out the course
    schedule of the man/woman you have a crush on, in order to figure
    out where he/she will be walking around campus and at what time to
    find them there.

 9. Once you've obtained the information described in #10, it's much
    more time-consuming to run between classes to that place where you
    know he/she will be in order to "just happen to bump into him/her."

 8. In college, there's no one to tell you not to eat pizza three meals
    a day.

 7. In college, your dad doesn't pay for dates.

 6. In high school, it never took 3 or 4 weeks to get money from Mom and
    Dad.

 5. College men are cuter than high school boys.

 4. College women are legal.

 3. In college, when you miss a class (or two or three), you don't need
    a note from your parents saying you were skip....uh, sick that day.

 2. In high school, you can't go out to lunch because it's not allowed.
    In college, you can't go out to lunch because you can't afford it.

 1. In college, you can blow off studying by writing lists like this.
 
 
 
LIST OF POSSIBLE SLOGANS PROMOTING NATIONAL CONDOM WEEK
1.  COVER YOUR STUMP BEFORE YOU HUMP
2.  BEFORE YOU ATTACK HER, WRAP YOUR WHACKER
3.  DON'T BE SILLY, PROTECT YOUR WILLY
4.  WHEN IN DOUBT, SHROUD YOUR SPOUT
5.  DON'T BE A LONER, COVER YOUR BONER
6.  YOU CANT GO WRONG IF YOU SHIELD YOUR DONG
7.  IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO SACK IT, GO HOME AND WHACK IT.
8.  IF YOU THINK SHE'S SPUNKY COVER YOUR MONKEY
9.  IF YOU SLIP BETWEEN HER THIGHS, BE SURE TO CONDOMIZE
10. IT WILL BE SWEETER IF YOU WRAP YOUR PETER
11. SHE WONT GET SICK IF YOU WRAP YOUR DICK
12. IF YOU GO IN TO HEAT, PACKAGE YOUR MEAT
13. WHILE YOUR UNDRESSING VENUS, DRESS UP YOUR PENIS
14. WHEN YOU TAKE OFF HER PANTS AND BLOUSE, SLIP UP YOUR
TROUSER MOUSE
15. ESPECIALLY IN DECEMBER, GIFT WRAP YOUR MEMBER
16. NEVER, NEVER DECK HER WITH AN UNWRAPPED PECKER
17. DON'T BE A FOOL, VULCANIZE YOUR TOOL
18. THE RIGHT SELECTION WILL PROTECT YOUR ERECTION
19. WRAP IT IN FOIL BEFORE CHECKING HER OIL
20. A CRANK WITH ARMOR WILL NEVER HARM HER
21. NO GLOVE, NO LOVE!


GENISIS ACCORDING TO BONKY AND HIS SICK IMAGINATION
---------------------------------------------------


God, at the beginning of time created heaven and earth. Earth was still an
empty waste, and darkness hung over the deep; but already, over its waters,
stirred the breath of God. Unfortunately God had had a skinfull the night
before and consumed the holy Madras, which made his breath equal to that of
a Badger's arse. Then God said, Let there be light, and the light began. God
saw the light, and found it good, and he divided the spheres of light and
darkness; the light he called bed-time, and the darkness beer-time. So
evening came, the morning, and one day passed. God said, too, Let a solid
vault arise amid the waters, to keep these waters apart from those; a vault
by which God would separate the waters which were beneath it from the waters
above it; and so it was done. The vault God called Sky. So evening came,
and morning, and a second day passed.

And now God said, Let the waters below the vault collect in one place to make
dry land appear. And so it was done; the dry land God called Earth, and the
water, where it had collected, he called the Sea. All this God saw, and found
it good.  Let the earth, he said, yield grasses that grow and seed, and which
can be smoked till the Sky and Sea become one and the same; fruit-trees too,
each giving fruit of its own kind, and so propagating itself on earth. And so
it was done. And God saw it, and found it good. So evening came, and morning,
and the third day passed.

Next, God said, Let there be luminaries in the vault of the sky, to divide
the spheres of bed-time and beer-time and to give measures of time, to mark
out the day and the year. And so it was done.

Then on the fourth day, God realised that all this was boring him and so he
came it upon himself to make things a little more interesting. And so, being
the magnificent, he did take a lump of plastic and mould it so, into the
shape of a straight banana with a hole in the middle. And this he did call a
canoe, but although good and holy, it had no place on his earth yet. God saw
that this canoe would need places to go, and low, with all his magnificence,
he did pull up mountains and push-down the valleys, and thus the river was
created. Not being the perfectionist that he thought he was, he didst forget
to smooth the river bed and thus the white water was born. And upon this,
the canoe did bob and weave and God saw that it was good and holy, and even
a little scary. So evening came, and morning, and the fourth day passed.

On the fifth, God did think to himself, "I could really do with someone
sitting in that canoe", and so man was made, in God's own image. Man and  
woman both, he created them, even though ultimately he made the man
stronger and the women more irritating. God placed the man and the woman  
into the holy canoes, and told them the paddle fourth. Soon after he did  
realise they did actually need a paddle to do this but low it was too
late. The man and the woman swam. So God did kit the pair out with spray  
deck, paddle, wet suit and buoyancy aid and in doing so, nearly broke the  
his holy bloody bank account. Yet again, he told the pair to go fourth and 
paddle, and now they could, as they did now have a paddle. And thus by the 
evening, God saw that everything was good, and the fifth day passed.

The next day, God had heard word from the man and the woman that although  
the canoeing was good and holy, they were bored in the night time. And
thus God created the beer and the lager and saw that both were good and  
alcoholic. And thus God gave these liquid refreshments to the man and the  
woman and told them to drink and be merry. And that evening, the man and  
the woman drank and were merry and ended up copping off with one another.  
And God saw this, and the man and the woman called him a pervert and a
sicko and thus in rage, God did make the lager lenses for which he knew
the man and the woman would regret it in the morning. And so the evening  
fell and room did spin, and vomit was seen for the very first time. Thus  
ended the sixth day.

The seventh day began around 3.30 in the afternoon, as the man and the
woman had BIG hangovers. And so God did create the aspirin which he did  
call Anadin Extra and did proclaim it to be able to knock a migraine off a  
Rhino. The man and the woman did take these and asked the lord "what is a  
rhino?", and God explained that he also had a skin full last night and had  
invented all sorts of wierd and peculiar shit........ such as hikers! And  
God and the man both agreed that beer was good and holy, even if it did
make you behave like an arse. And the man said to God, "We need a place of  
worship and prayer, where we may go to convalesce our souls and give
thanks to the all-mighty", and God made it so and didst call it the Pub.  
Whilst he was at it, he also created the beautiful games Pool and Darts,
and did degree that no woman would ever be good at either. Then God and  
the man went into the pub and got pissed again, leaving the woman with
some knitting.

THE END


50 FUN THINGS TO DO AT WAL-MART

1. Put M&M's on layaway.

2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals 
   throughout the day.

4. Start playing Hide & Seek; see how many people you can get to join in.

5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air
   fresheners.

6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin
   narrow aisles.

10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think 
    we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.

11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn
    the volumes to "10".

12. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi!  I haven't seen you in so
    long!..." etc.  See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.

14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough
    for all to hear, "Who BUYS this junk, anyway?"

15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.

16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a
    test drive."

17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away.
    Continue to do this until they leave the department.

18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your
    playing field.

19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized
    and say, "Wow.  Magic!"

20. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding 
    them at strategic locations.

21. Play with the automatic doors.

22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite
    them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.

24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm
    Batman.  Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"

26. TP as much of the store as possible.

27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.

28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside 
    down.

29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why 
    won't you people just leave me alone?"

30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between 
    them, yelling, "Red Rover!"

31. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there 
    are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"

32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield
    with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

33. Take bets on the battle described above.

34. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.

36. Hold indoor shopping cart races..

37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from  "Mission:Impossible."

38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.

40. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"

41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store. 

42. Two words: "Marco Polo."

43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc. 

44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.

46. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something,
    quickly make off with it without saying a word.

47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.

48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal
    position and scream, "No, no!  It's those voices again!"

49. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.

50. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the
    store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out
    much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

    *BONUS*  Attempt all of the above during the same visit.



<< The Lovers of the Heart >>
      In order to form a more perfect kiss, enable the mighty hug to promote
      to whom we please but one kiss.
      
      Article 1: Statement of Love: The Kiss
      1. Kiss on the hand.... I adore you
      2. Kiss on the cheek... I just want to be friends
      3. Kiss on the neck... I want you
      4. Kiss on the lips... I love you
      5. Kiss on the ears... I am just playing
      6. Kiss anywhere else... lets not get carried away
      7. Look in your eyes... kiss me
      8. Playing with your hair... I can't live without you
      9. Hand on your waist... I love you to much to let you go
      
      Article 2: The Three Steps
      1. Girls: If any guys gets fresh with you, slap him
      2. Guys: If any girl slaps you, her intentions are still good
      3. Guy and Girls: Close your eyes when kissig, it is rude to stare
      
      Article 3: The Commandments
      1.  Thou shall not squeeze to hard.
      2. Thou shall not ask for a kiss, just give one or take one.
      3. Thou shall kiss at every opportunity.
      
      
      The Golf Lesson

A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are
playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.
The husband has his lesson first.

After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no," you're gripping
the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?" asks the man.
"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your
wife's breast.

"The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball
250 yds. straight up the fairway.The man goes back to his wife with
the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.

The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing
and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."
"What can I do?" asks the wife."Hold the club gently,just like you'd
hold your husband's penis." The wife listens carefully to the pro's
advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the
fairway . . . about 15 ft.                              
  
   "That was great," the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth
and swing the club like you're supposed to!" says the pro.



A bloke walks into an extremely posh restaurant, sits down and
waives the waiter over. "I want to see the cock-sucking, mother-fucking
boss now" he says. The waiter is naturally a bit taken aback and replies

"Excuse me sir would you refrain from using that kind of language
in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can".

The manager comes over and the bloke says " Are you the chicken
fucking manager of this bastarding  joint?". "Yes sir I am" replies
the manager but I would prefer you not to use that kind of
vernacular in this restaurant,  there are private parties and clients
entertaining in here".

The bloke replies "Fuck you anus features, where's the fucking piano?".
The manager is a bit puzzled and asks the bloke to clarify the situation.
"Where's the fucking piano, are you fucking deaf or what, you smelly
stupid cunt?"

"Ah" says the manager "You've come about the pianist job out of the paper".
"Too fucking right" the bloke replies.

The manager tentatively takes the bloke over to the piano and begs
him not to speak into the microphone.

"Can you play any blues?" the manager asks.

The bloke starts to play the most beautiful blues ever heard.
"That's superb" gasps the manager,  What is it called?"

"I want to shag your missus on the sofa but the springs keep
hurting my cock end" replies the bloke.

The manager is a bit disturbed. "Oh, do you know any jazz?" asks
the manager a  bit perplexed. The bloke plays the most melancholy jazz
solo the manager has ever heard. "Absolutely magnificent" cries the
manager, "What is that called?"

"I wanked over the washing machine but my bollocks got caught in
the powder drawer" replies the bloke.

The manager is a tad embarrassed at this one. "Oh I say, do you
know any romantic ballads?" asks the manager getting flustered. The
bloke plays the most heartbreaking melody ever. "That was fantastic"
crooned the manager, "What is that one called?"

"Shagging sheep under the stars with the moonlight shining on my
hairy ring piece" replies the bloke.

The manager is highly upset at the blokes language but is so moved
by his music that he offers the bloke a job on the condition That he
does not introduce any of the songs. The bloke accepts.

The arrangement goes swimmingly for a couple of weeks when one
night the bloke gets desperate for a wank. He leaves the restaurant and
goes to the staff toilets. Strangely there is a magazine stuffed behind
the bowl.
   
The bloke retrieves the mag and discovers a good old wank mag. He
naturally has a swift one off the wrist. As he is coming he hears
the manager shouting "Where the fuck is that fucking pianist?"

The bloke whips up his trousers, returns to the restaurant and
begins playing some more tunes. After a couple of minutes a woman
approaches him and whispers "Do you know your bollocks and knob are hanging
out of your trousers dribbling jissum all over your shoes?"

The bloke replies "Know it? I fucking wrote it !!"
     
     
     If I had a penis I'd wear it outside
In cafes and carlots with pomp and with pride
If I had a penis I'd pamper it proper
I'd stay in the tub and use me as a stopper
If I had a penis I'd take it to parties
Stretch it and stroke it and shout it at smarties
I'd take it to pet shows and teach it to stay
I'd stuff it in turkeys on thanksgiving day

I'd rival my buddies in sportscars and stickshifts
I'd shower my spire with girlies and gifts
I'd peek around corners
I'd aim at my toilet
I'd poke it at foreigners
And soap it and oil it
If I had a penis I'd run to my mother
Comb out the hair and compare it to brother
I'd lance her, I'd knight her, my hands would endulge
Pants would seem tighter and buckle and buldge

A penis to plunder, a penis to push
Cause one in the hand is worth one in the bush
A penis to love me, a penis to share...
To pick up and play with when nobody's there

I'd sit like a guy, I'd straddle my chair
I'd play with my fly, albeit with care
I'd dip it in chocolate, I'd stick it in sockets
Go to the movies with hands deep in pockets
I'd stick it in vacuums on french verandas
Gas-guzzling bottles and poodles and pandas
And puddles and drain pipes and doggies and ditches,
Poolhalls and potholes and bottles and bitches...

Zucchinies and zebras, tomatoes, tomatoes,
And pineapple pumpkins, and gulches and gratoes,
And mellons and marshmellows...

Gloves and gorillas
Slurpies and slippers
Chinooks and chinchillas...

A penis to plunder, a penis to push
Cause one in the hand is worth one in the bush
A penis to love me, a penis to share...
To pick up and play with when nobody's there

If I had a penis, I'd climb every mountain
I'd force it on females
I'd pee like a fountain...

If I had a penis I'd still be a girl,
But I'd make much more money and conquer the world.



MOMMY's  LITTLE GIRL
                        -----------------------------------
                         Submitted by Paolo Trinchieri


A little girl and her mother were out and about. The girl,
out of the blue, asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"

The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age.
You'll learn this as you get older.

The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"

Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't
talk about.  You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."

The girl still wanting to know about her mother, then fires off
another question, "Mommy, Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that 
is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

The little girl, frustrated, sulks until she is dropped off at a
friend's house to play. She consults with her girlfriend about her
and her mother's conversation. The girlfriend says, "All you have to
do is sneak and look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a
like a report card from school. It tells you everything."

Later, the little girl and her mother are out and about again.
The little girl starts off with,  "Mommy, Mommy,  I know how old
you are.  I k now how old you are. You're 32 years old."

The mother is very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart, how do you
know that?"

The little girl shrugs and says, "I just know. And I know how much
you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."

"Where did you learn that?"

The little girl says, "I just know. And I know why you
and daddy got a divorce.   You got an "F" in sex."



HEAVEN'S GROCERY STORE

I was walking down life's highway a long time ago.
One day I saw a sign that read, "HEAVEN'S GROCERY STORE".

As I got a little closer the door came open wide,
and when I came to myself I was standing inside.
I saw a host of ANGELS.
They were standing everywhere.

One handed me a basket and said, "My Child shop with care".
Everything a  Christian needs was in that grocery store.
And all you couldn't carry, you could come back
the next day for more.

First, I got some PATIENCE:  LOVE was in the same row.
Further down was UNDERSTANDING: you need that everywhere you go.
I got a box or two of WISDOM, a bag or two of FAITH.

I just couldn't miss the HOLY GHOST, 
for it was all over the place.

I stopped to get some STRENGTH and COURAGE to help
me run this race.  By then my basket was getting full, but I
remembered I needed some GRACE.

I didn't forget SALVATION, for SALVATION was
free, so I tried to get enough of that to save both you and me.

Then I started up to the counter to pay my grocery bill,
for I thought I had everything to do the MASTER'S will.

As I went up the aisle, I saw PRAYER: and I just had to put that in,
for I knew when I stepped outside, I would run into sin.

PEACE AND JOY were plentiful; they were last on the shelf.

SONG and PRAISE were hanging near, so I just helped myself.

Then I said to the angel, "Now, how much do I owe?"

He smiled and said, "Just take them everywhere you go."

Again, I smiled and said, "How much do I really owe?"

He smiled again and said, "MY CHILD, JESUS PAID YOUR BILL A LONG, LONG
TIME AGO."


"ALL THINGS WHATSOEVER YOU SHALL ASK IN PRAYER,
BELIEVING, YOU SHALL RECEIVE." (MATTHEW 21:22)




A college student wrote home:  "Am without friends or funds."

His dad wrote back:  "Make friends."

 
 
Subject: 20 Ways to Annoy Your Public Bathroom Stallmate

 1.Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask
your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

 2.Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips
on that."

 3.Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks
the silence with a bodily function noise.

 4.Say, "Damn, this water's cold."

 5.Drop a marble and say, "Ahhhh! My glass eye!"

 6.Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

 7.Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and
then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a
height of 6 feet.  Sigh relaxingly.

 8.Say, "Now how did that get there?"

 9.Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

 10.Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt
it erratically under the stall walls of your
neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"

 11.Say, "Interesting... more floaters than sinkers."

 12.Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter
on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the
stall wall of your neighbor. Then say,"Whoops, could
you kick that back over here please?">

 13.Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me."

 14.Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the
stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a
lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the
balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize
profusely and blame it on the fettuccine alfredo you
had for breakfast.

 15.Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."

 16.Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little
too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

 17.Play a well known drum cadence over and over again
    on your butt cheeks.

 18.Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously
lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter
on the
floor visible to the adjacent stall.

 19.Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall,
adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say,
"Peek-a-boo!"

 20.Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall
wall and sing "Born Free".


Subject: Driver's License App.
STATE OF ALABAMA  DRIVER LICENSE APPLICATION

   Last name: ________________

   First name:
   (_) Billy-Bob
   (_) Billy-Joe
   (_) Billy-Ray
   (_) Billy-Sue
   (_) Billy-Mae
   (_) Billy-Jack
   (_) just plain Billy
   (Check appropriate box)

   Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)

  Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure

  Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

    Occupation:
   (_) Farmer
   (_) Mechanic
   (_) Hair Dresser
   (_) Un-employed
   (_) Dirty Politician

   Spouse's Name: __________________________

   2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________

   3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________
 
   Lover's Name: _________________________
 
   2nd Lover's Name: _________________________

   Relationship with spouse:
   (_) Sister
   (_) Brother
   (_) Aunt
   (_) Uncle
   (_) Cousin
   (_) Mother
   (_) Father
   (_) Son
   (_) Daughter
   (_) Pet

  Number of children living in household: ___

  Number of children living in shed: ___

  Number that are yours: ___

   Mother's Name: _______________________
   Father's Name: _______________________
   (If not sure, leave blank)

   Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

   Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)

  ___ Total number of vehicles you own
  ___ Number of vehicles that still crank
  ___ Number of vehicles in front yard
  ___ Number of vehicles in back yard
  ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

  Firearms you own and where you keep them:
   ____ truck
   ____ bedroom
   ____ bathroom
   ____ kitchen
   ____ shed

   Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_

   Do you have a gun rack?
 (_) Yes (_) No; If no, please explain:

 Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
   (_) The National Enquirer
   (_) The Globe
   (_) TV Guide
   (_) Soap Opera Digest
   (_) Rifle and Shotgun
   (_) Field and Stream
   (_) Outdoor Life

   ___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
   ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
   ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

   How often do you bathe:
   (_)Weekly
   (_)Monthly
   (_)Not Applicable

  Color of teeth:
   (_)Yellow
   (_)Brownish-Yellow
   (_)Brown
   (_)Black
   (_)N/A (teeth, what teeth?)

  Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
   (_)Red-Man
   (_)Levi Garret

 How far is your home from a paved road?
  (_)1 mile
  (_)2 miles
  (_)roads are "paved" now?
  (_)don't know


Please sign (X is acceptable)______________________


50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator

by Alan Meiss, ameiss@gn.ecn.purdue.edu


1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other
   passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering:  "Shut up,
   dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask:  "Got
   enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open,
    then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask
    them to call you Admiral.
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open
    until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the
    bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and
    then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back:  "Oh, not now,
    damn motion sickness!"
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occassionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.          
24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of
    THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other
    passengers that this is your "personal space."
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in
    muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"



A Canadian, a Scotsman, and an Australian are in a bar discussing the
mental abilities of their wives.

The Canadian says, "You know, my wife must be the most stupid woman in
the world. She went to a supermarket sale and bought $900 worth of
meat, and we don't even have a freezer!

The Scotsman says, "That's nothing!  My wife went out last week and
bought a brand new $30,000 car, and she can't even drive!

Not to be out done, the Aussie says, "My wife is a lot dumber than
that! Last week she left for a two week holiday in Paris and I saw
her pack 20 condoms!  Hell, she doesn't even HAVE a penis!"



Two retired ladies were on the beach in Miami.  They were discussing
the fact that if they go for a swim, someone might steal their
cigarettes, but if they take the cigarettes with them, they will get soaked.
Then they notice a gorgeous girl walking out of the ocean.  She reaches
into the top of her swimsuit, pulls out a perfectly dry cigarette and book
of matches and lights up.  The ladies go up to the girl and ask, "How do
you keep your cigarettes dry?" Her answer, "I put them inside of a
condom."

The women rush to a pharmacy and ask for a condom.  When the
pharmacist asks, "What size?" one of the ladies says, "It should fit a Camel."


Some Gangsters, thought about robbing a bank, they made the best plan
that can be made and started to work on it.  A day or two later they
are able to get in the bank.  They see hundreds of safes, the head
gangster says, "open the first one up."  They open the safe and the only thing
they find in there is a vannila pudding.  The Head Gangster says "Ok
what can we do with this pudding?  "Well at least we can eat it".

So they eat the pudding.  They open up the second Safe and there sits
another one, they eat that one too.  This process goes on for the
rest of the safes.  They all get out of there all stuffed.  And they say at
least we were able to eat, and boy was that good pudding!.

Next day, on the news: 

"Yesterday the biggest sperm bank in the USA was robbed by an unknown
group of people".




A bunch of whales are getting fed up with being harpooned by these nasty
sailors in their wooden boats, so they decide to form a committee and
make a plan.

Their plan was to get just under the surface and all blow at once to send
the boats flying in the air, spilling their crew, who could then be
swallowed by the whales as they fell into the water.

After hearing the plan, one female replied, "Now wait a minute,the blow
job I can handle, but I refuse to swallow the seamen.


An Asian man walks into the currency exchange with 2000 yen,
walks out with $72.  Next week he walks in with 2000 yen,
gets given $66.  He asks lady why he
gets less money this week than last week.
The lady says "Fluctuations"
Asian man says:  "Fluc you clazy Amelicans too"


TO:  ALL EMPLOYEES

FR:  MANAGEMENT



SUBJECT:   SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING



In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity
from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well
trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.).  
We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job,
please see your manager.  You will be immediately placed at the top of
the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at
seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in
DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P S.H.I.T.).  Those
who fail to take D.E.E.P S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE
ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T S.H.I.T.).  Since our managers took S.H.I.T.
before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and
are all full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others.  
We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST
(B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).  Those who are full of B.U.L.L.  S.H.I.T.
will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF
INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.).

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF
TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).

Thank you,



BOSS IN GENERAL
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
     (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)



First...say out loud what your favourite colour is?

 Guide to Sexual Type based on Favorite Color

 Your Favorite Color is the Key to Your Sexual Life

 The clothes you wear, your home furnishings and the car you drive all
 give clues to your sexual personality. The key is the colors you
 select
 for your possessions. Most people claim they haven't a favorite
 color.
 But look around you, and you'll notice a pattern, especially in your
 clothing and home decor. The predominant color for you is the one
 that
 appears most frequently - it's the one that mirrors the sexual you. A
 panel of psychologists, speaking at the 1975 Home Interior Design
 Forum,
 explained the association between color and sexual patterns. 

 RED: People who like red tend to be tigers in the sack. They are
 easily aroused and enjoy sex in every way imaginable. Once the
 sexual spark is ignited, it may take hours to extinguish. When two reds
 get together, the ensuing erotica could make Lady Chatterly blush.
 Lovers of red tend to be aggressors and weaker colors should be aware.
 
 YELLOW: If you tend to favor yellow, your sexual drives are complex
 and turn toward the adaptable. The favorite color of homosexuals is
 yellow. But don't panic - not everyone who wears yellow is queer.
 In most cases the person will consent to the stronger partner's
 desires in a passive manner.You will never enjoy sex to the fullest, but
 you will never turn down an invitation from somebody you enjoy or admire.
 
 PINK: Persons who like pink show a reluctance to mature in sexual
 matters: women tend to tease, to promise more than they intend to
 deliver. In some cases they flaunt their femininity - but because
 they secretly hate men. A great percentage of prostitutes boast entire
 wardrobes in pink. Men who like pink are the philanderers and
 flirts. They are the type who will make three dates for the same evening
 and not keep one, preferring to pick up a dish in some bar instead.
 Women whose husbands like pink should keep a secret nest egg.

 PURPLE: Lovers of purple frequently consider themselves to be too
 sophisticated for a fun romp in the sack. Women sometimes are the
 type who hate to mess their hair. Men are business-like in their
 approach to lovemaking. In both sexes purple partners are more concerned
 with their fulfillment than anyone else's gratification.

 BLACK: Black color preferences point to black sex (notnecessarily
 meaning black partners). These people are the misfits of the sex
 world and seek out each other in kinship. They tend to prefer perverted
 sex and are usually masochistic or sadistic in nature. They are moody
 people and often perform at their peak when under stress or during
 unhappy times. Police psychiatrists claim that sex offenders prefer
 the color black. And it is no coincidence that the uniform of monsters
 and teenage gangs is black attire.

 GREEN: Those who prefer green are fresh and innocent in their
 approach to sex. Women who love green will always make love like virgins all
 their life. And a man may always be a trifle clumsy and awkward but
 in a charming and endearing sort of way. Green lovers are gentle, but not
 passionate. If chosen as a mate, one will never need worry about
 infidelity.

 ORANGE: Lovers of the color orange lean toward sexual fantasies.
 The sex act is regarded as a dramatic one-act play in which they are
 the star. Foreplay is as important as the act of love. They whisper
 sweet nothings, meaningless dialogue; they feel it is their image. Orange
 people often do not experience orgasm - but they put on a darn good
 act. Men tend to pull their partner's hair, and women leave red
 welts on the sex partner's back.

 BROWN: If you love brown, you're a real treasure for the right mate.
 Brown lovers tend to be warm and deep, sensitive to the needs and
 desires of their partners. Sex is a 24 hour a day thing. Where you
 can't say "I love you" often enough. Snuggling by the fire, walking in
 the rain or catching snowflakes on their tongue is a turn-on to a
 lover of brown. They need lots of time and privacy to make love.
 But their emotions are such that one harsh word could end the affair.

 GRAY: The color gray a preferred by people who are indecisive. They
 can't get excited about anything - including color - so they choose
 a noncommittal shade. Men who prefer gray look at sex as a way of
 relieving tension-but nothing more, nothing less. It's wham,bam,
 thank you ma'am. Women don't make love, they have intercourse. And for
 one of two reasons only: to accommodate their mate, or to become
 pregnant. They count the cracks in the bedroom plaster until the sex act is
 over with and done. But when teamed with another color, the gray spouse
 considers the other's infidelity a blessing. When gray marries
 another gray, the marriage is made in heaven.
 
 BLUE: Lovers of blue are wonderful sex partners. They are sinners,
 affectionate and sensitive to their partner's need. They consider
 love making a fine art and their approach is elegant. Men who love blue
 are like concert pianists, delicately ravaging their partner like they
 would play a baby grand. Women in the blue category enjoy sex to the
 fullest. They are exciting partners but their passion may be
 compared to a tidal wave rather than fiery aggression. Both women and men
 enjoy foreplay and the aftermath of lovemaking, as much as the sex act
 itself. In marriage a blue person is a wonderful mate - never
 seeking outside interests.

 WHITE: If a person is infatuated with white, sex often seems
 filthy. These people are puritanical in nature. French kissing is obscene
 and to make love in the daylight in unheard of. Women who love white
 will undress beneath the covers. Men will shower before and after the
 sex act. These people still use pet names for their genitals.



There once was a little green man living in a little green house on
the top of a little green hill. One day the little green man wanted to
take a bath so he went and took his little green bottle of shampoo and his
little green bar of soap and also his little green towel and into his
little green bathroom he went.
As he took off his little green shirt and his little green pair of
shorts, he stepped under his little green tap and started to bathe. Just
then a saleswoman came to the front of the little green man's house
and rang on his little green bell. "Ting Dong".
The little green man heard his little green bell and he thought that
his pizza had arrived so he hastily took his little green towel, wrapped
it around his little green waist and rushed to the door.  As he opened his
little green door, his little green towel came undone, and dropped unto
his little green doormat, exposing his little green, uh...never mind.
The saleswoman gave a shriek and rushed out of the little green house.
In all her haste and all her horror, she did not see the truck coming
at 120 mph which struck her, killing her on the spot.

QUESTION: What is the Moral of the Story?

Press page down for answer!






















ANSWER:   DON'T CROSS THE ROAD WHEN THE GREEN MAN IS FLASHING

--(Another safety message from the traffic police) 


30 THINGS TO DO ON AN EXAM WHEN YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE GOING TO FAIL IT
ANYWAYS!

    1. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming 'Andre, Andre, I've
got the secret documents!!'

    2. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud,
debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, 
'I'm SOOO sure that you can hear me thinking.' Then start talking about 
what a jerk the instructor is.

    3. Bring a Game Boy. Play with the volume at max level.

    4. On the answer sheet find a new, interesting way to refuse to
answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on 
the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

5. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a
sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say 'They've found me, I have to 
leave the country' and run off.

    6. 15 min. into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into
very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out 'Merry Christmas.' 
If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the 
first one. Repeat this process every 15 min.

    7. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on
your head, and nothing else.

    8. Come down with a BAD case of Tourette's Syndrome during the
exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

    9. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not
looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

10. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

    11. Every 5 min. stand up, collect all your things, move to
another seat, continue with the exam.

    12. Turn in the exam approx. 30 min. into it. As you walk out,
start commenting on how easy it was.

    13. Get the exam. 20 min into it, throw your papers down
violently, scream out 'Fuck this!' and walk out triumphantly.

    14. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (ie. Threaten the
instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after 
one hour to go drink.)

    15. Show up completely drunk (completely drunk means at some point
during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).             

    16. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

    17. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 min,
put on a white mask and start yelling 'I'm here, the phantom of the opera' 
until they drag you away.

    18. If the exam is math/sciences related, make up the longest
proofs you could possible think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most 
equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.

    19. Try to get people in the room to do a wave.

    20. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to
you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.

    21. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks,
chairs, anything you can reach.

    22. Puke into your exam booklet. Hand it in. Leave.

    23. Take 6 packages of rice cakes to the exam. Stuff at least 2
rice cakes into your mouth at once. Chew, then cough. Repeat if necessary.

    24. Masturbate.

    25. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About 5 min into it, loudly
say to the instructor, 'I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every 
lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's 
the regular guy?'

    26. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one,
make one up!

    27. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and
answers completely blacked out.

    28. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks
why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, 'the light bulb that goes on above 
my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!'

    29. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy.
Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to 
leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

    30. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any
question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.


 Subject: Graffiti in the Rest Rooms


 Here I lie in stinky vapor,
 Because some bastard stole the toilet paper,
 Shall I lie, or shall I linger,
 Or shall I be forced to use my finger.

-= bathroom graffiti =-= 2 =--------------------------------------

 Here I sit
 What a caper
 I have to shit
 But I'm out of paper

-= bathroom graffiti =-= 3 =--------------------------------------

 Here I sit
 Broken hearted
 Tried to shit
 But only farted

-= bathroom graffiti =-= 4=--------------------------------------

 You're lucky
 You had your chance
 I tried to fart,
 And shit my pants!

-= bathroom graffiti =-= 5 =--------------------------------------

 I came here
 To shit and stink,
 But all I do
 Is sit and think.

-= bathroom graffiti =-= 6=--------------------------------------

 Some come here to sit and think,
 Some come here to shit and stink,
 But I come here to scratch my balls,
 And read the bullshit on the walls...

-= bathroom graffiti =-= 8 =--------------------------------------

 (written high upon the wall)

 If you can piss above this line, the Hillsboro Fire Department
 wants you.

-= bathroom graffiti =-= 9 =--------------------------------------

 (written high upon the wall above a urinal)

 Don't look up here, the joke's in your hand.

-= bathroom graffiti =-= 10 =--------------------------------------

 Sign posted in a bathroom:

 We aim to please!
 You aim too! Please!

-= bathroom graffiti =-= 13 =--------------------------------------
 Seen above a urinal:

 Please do not throw cigarette butts in our urinal. We don't piss in
 your ashtrays!

-= bathroom graffiti =-= 18 =--------------------------------------

 Scratched into the paint of the condom-dispensing machine were these
 words:

 "Don't buy this gum, it tastes like rubber."

-= bathroom graffiti =-= 19 =--------------------------------------

 On the inside of a toilet door:

 Patrons are requested to remain seated throughout the entire
 performance.

-= bathroom graffiti =-= 20 =--------------------------------------

 "$1.49 - All You Can Eat" (with an arrow pointing down into the
toilet)

 -= bathroom graffiti =-= 25 =--------------------------------------

 A sign I saw at a swimming pool once:

 We don't swim in your toilet, so please don't pee in our pool!
 
-= bathroom graffiti =-= 26 =--------------------------------------

 Another sign seen at a swimming pool:

 Welcome to our ool.
 Notice there's no P in it.
 Please keep it that way.

 bathroom graffiti =-= 32 =--------------------------------------

 My mother made me a whore.

 (to which someone else added)

 If I give her the yarn, will she make me one too?

-= bathroom graffiti =-= 35=--------------------------------------

 Under a sign that said "Employees Must Wash Hands," someone
 scribbled:

 I waited and waited, but I finally washed them myself.

-= bathroom graffiti =-= 38 =--------------------------------------

 In the men's room at a Burger King restaurant:

 It takes the human body about 24 hours to turn good food into shit.
 It only takes Burger King 10 minutes.

-= bathroom graffiti =-= 40 =--------------------------------------
 Sign seen at a restaurant:

 The hands that clean these toilets also make your food...please aim
 properly.

-= bathroom graffiti =-= 41 =--------------------------------------

 Here I sit, I'm at a loss
 trying to shit out taco sauce.
 When it comes, I hope and pray,
 I don't blow my ass away.

-= bathroom graffiti =-= 42 =--------------------------------------

 Here's one seen above a urinal:

 look up
 look up

 [even higher on the wall]

 keep looking up

 [on the ceiling]

 Quick! Look down! You're pissing on your shoes!

-= bathroom graffiti =-= 45 =--------------------------------------

 One of the funniest I've seen was also the simplest:

 Fart loud if you love Jesus!

-= bathroom graffiti =-= 46 =--------------------------------------

 While your sitting on the toilet you see written on the stall door:

 Congratulations! You've one one free game of Toilet Tennis! Look Left.

 You look left and it reads:

 Look Right

 You look right and it reads:

 Look Left...

-= bathroom graffiti =-= 50 =--------------------------------------

Everybody pisses on the floor. Be a hero and shit on the ceiling.


HOW "THEY" DO IT
_________________________________________________________________

Accountants do it with Double Entry
Acupuncturists do it with a small prick
Ambulance driver comes quicker
Australians do it Down Under
Bach did it using the organ
Bankers do it with interest
Bartenders do it on the Rocks
Batman does it using his Robin
Bookkeepers do it for the record
Bosses delegate the task to others
Chess players check their Mates
Cops do it with cuffs
DJs do it on request
Deep-sea divers do it under extreme pressure
Dentists do it orally
Detectives do it under cover
Don't do it with Bankers, most of them are Tellers
Elevator men do it up and down
Engineers do it to specifications
Engineers do it to a first order approximation
Firemen do it with a big hose
Frank Sinatra does it his way
Garbagemen come twice a week
Gardeners do it on the bushes
Gas attendants Pump all day
Golfers do it in 18 holes
Landlords do it every 1st of the month
Managers make others do it
Marketing reps do it on commission
Pizza delivery man comes in 30 minutes or it's free
Waiters and waitresses do it for tips
Zoologists do it with animals


 Well, you want to know how to pamper a woman, here it goes:

 HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME

 Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix,
 empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor,
 placate,  stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle,
 excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch,
 toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave,
 return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show
 equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower,
 shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about,
 acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help,
 acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear,
 understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim,
 nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm,
 allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt,
 commit, enlist, pine, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle,
 snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, rub, rib, salve, bite,
 taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the
 ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky,
 crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing,
 slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify,
 lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet,
 slicken, undulate, gelatinize,  blush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry,
 knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow,  dazzle,
 amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back,
 Jack, and do it again.

 HOW TO SATISFY A MAN EVERY TIME

 Show up naked.


Some Really Awesome Lateral Thinking Exercises !


1) The Elder Twin
One day Kerry celebrated her birthday. Two days later her older
twin brother, Terry, celebrated his birthday. Why?

**********************

2) Manhole Covers
Why is it better to have round manhole covers than square ones?

This is logical rather than lateral, but it is a good puzzle
which can be solved by lateral thinking techniques. It is supposedly used
by a very well-known software company as an interview question for
prospective employees.

**********************

3) The Deadly Party
A man went to a party and drank some of the punch. He then left
early. Everyone else at the party who drank the punch subsequently died
of poisoning. Why did the man not die?

**********************

4) Heaven
A man died and went to Heaven. There were thousands of other
people there. They were all naked and all looked as they did at the age
of 21. He looked around to see if there was anyone he recognised. He
saw a couple and he knew immediately that they were Adam and Eve. How 
did he know?

**********************

5) Trouble with Sons
A woman had two sons who were born on the same hour of the same
day of the same year. But they were not twins. How could this be so?

**********************

6) The man in the Elevator
A man lives on the tenth floor of a building. Every day he takes
the elevator to go down to the ground floor to go to work or to go
shopping. When he returns he takes the elevator to the seventh floor and
walks up the stairs to reach his apartment on the tenth floor. He hates
walking so why does he do it?

This is probably the best known and most celebrated of all
lateral thinking puzzles. It is a true classic. Although there are many
possible solutions which fit the initial conditions, only the
canonical answer is truly satisfying.

**********************

7) The Man in the Bar
A man walks into a bar and asks the barman for a glass of water.
The barman pulls out a gun and points it at the man. The man says
'Thank you' and walks out.

This puzzle has claims to be the best of the genre. It is simple
in its statement, absolutely baffling and yet with a completely
satisfying solution. Most people struggle very hard to solve this one yet
they like the answer when they hear it or have the satisfaction of
figuring it out.


******************************************************************

Please be honest and only scroll down when you have try the
questions !!

SOLUTIONS:
1) At the time she went into labour, the mother of the twins was
   travelling by boat. The older twin, Terry, was born first
   early on March 1st. The boat then crossed a time zone and Kerry, the younger
   twin, was born on February the 28th. Therefore, the younger twin
   celebrates her birthday two days before her older brother.

2) A square manhole cover can be turned and dropped down the
   diagonal of the manhole. A round manhole cannot be dropped down the manhole.
   So for safety and practicality, all manhole covers should be round.

3) The poison in the punch came from the ice cubes. When the man
   drank the punch, the ice was fully frozen. Gradually it melted,
   poisoning the punch.

4) He recognised Adam and Eve as the only people without navels.
   because they were not born of women, they had never had umbilical
   cords and therefore they never had navels.

This one seems perfectly logical but it can sometimes spark fierce
theological arguments!

5) They were two of a set of triplets (or quadruplets etc.) This
simple little puzzle stumps many people. They try outlandish solutions
involving test-tube babies or surrogate mothers. Why does the brain search
for complex solutions when there is a much simpler one available?

6) The man is (of course) a dwarf. On rainy days, he uses his
   umbrella!

7) The man had hiccups. The barman recognised this from his
speech and drew the gun in order to give him a shock. It worked and cured the
hiccups -- so the man no longer needed the water.

The is a simple puzzle to state but a difficult one to solve. It
is a perfect example of a seemingly irrational and incongruous situation
having a simple and complete explanation. Amazingly this classic
puzzle seems to work in different cultures and languages.



The following letter from the family's solicitor is addressed to a
member of the British aristocracy who has been spending
much of thesummer in his residence in the south of France leaving
his wife in the United Kingdom to look after the ancestral home.

Dear Sir Royston,

I hope you are having a good time on your holiday.
I say this with sincerity because I am afraid that I have
some bad news for you, although there is good news too. First the
bad news. I am sorry to tell you that your favorite dog, Honey, is
dead. The vet says that she died instantly and could have felt no pain.

She was kicked in the head by your horse, Sherbert, though I'm
sure that no blame can be attached to Sherbert, frightened as he was
by the fire in the barn.

I'm afraid that Sherbert was in the barn along with your other
horses when it burnt to the ground. The fire brigade had
been called within a short time of the barn catching fire and would
normally have been able to put the fire out. Had it had not been for
the fact that the tender crashed into your Bentley in the lane. Your
wife had taken it out for a spin with your brother. As it was, both the

tender and your Bently were written off. No blame can be attached to
your wife for the accident I'm sure.

The Bentley was stationary at the time and your wife was in the back
seat of the car. She managed to escape death only due to
the fact that your brother was lying on top of her at the time of the
collision. The doctors say that given time she will regain her sight
but that she will never walk again. She has also lost her memory and
cannot even remember you. Your brother, unfortunately, was killed.

I should explain how the barn came to be on fire in the first place.
You see a spark from the house blew over and set the roof alight. The
fire started in the main hall of the house where, as you know, your
Mattisse and your Picasso once hung. I say `once' because
they are not there now. Fortunately neither of these paintings were
damaged in the conflagration as they were stolen beforehand by the
burglar who started the fire.

Although all of this may seem to you very serious it is not in fact
the bad news that I wrote of. Your wife and brother had been visiting
your Insurance agent in prison where he is serving a three year
sentence for fraud. I'm afraid that none of your insurance policies
are valid.

As I said, there is some good news. The heat from the fire warmed your
greenhouse and brought your flowers on.



One's self value is not only deduced from one's
attractive outward appearance, but also one's intrisic
unique character. The latter also accounts for your popularity,
especially among friends of the opposite sex.
What kind of person are you? Do you possess a superior character?
and pls reply me with ur sincere answer bah :)

1. You are not a parrot, you have your own point of view.
     Yes.......go to q.2
     No.......go to q.8
2. You prefer a star-shaped to a heart-shaped necklace.
     Yes.......go to q.3
     No.......go to q.9
3. You are not interested in dolls or robots.
     Yes.......go to q.4
     No.......go to q.11
4. You have little interest in Chinese traditional clothings.
     Yes.......go to q.5
     No.......go to q.11
5. You have red clothings in your wardrobe.
     Yes.......go to q.6
     No.......go to q.12
6. You would like to apply for a job which requires experience.
     Yes.......go to q.7
     No.......go to q.13
7. Your friends like to get along with you cos you are a reliable
   person.
     Yes.......TYPE A
     No....... TYPE B
8. You have short hair.
     Yes.......go to q.2
     No.......go to q.15
9. You think your skin complexion is not fair enough.
     Yes.......go to q.3
     No.......go to q.16
10. Which kind of flowers do you like most?
     A.sunflower.......q.14
     B.wild chrysanthemum.......q.11
11. You are a conscientious student/employee.
     Yes.......go to q.5
     No.......go to q.17
12. You have no interest in crafts recently.
     Yes.......go to q.6
     No.......go to q.18
13. You are an easygoing and friendly person.
     Yes.......go to q.7
     No.......go to q.19
14. You don't mind even sleeping together with a group of
     people of the opposite sex on the same bed.
     Yes.......TYPE A
     No.......go to q.20
15. You would choose sports as your major extra-curricular activities.
     Yes.......go to q.9
     No.......go to q.21
16. You are fond of Maths and Science subjects.
     Yes.......go to q.10
     No.......go to q.22
17. You like orange more than red.
     Yes....... go to q.12
     No.......go to q.24
18. You like mountains more than oceans.
     Yes.......go to q.13
     No.......go to q.25
19. Whenever someone is better than you, you will get irritated
     and uncomfortable.
     Yes.......go to q.14
     No.......go to q.26
20. You don't mind talking and laughing loudly in public.
     Yes.......TYPE B
     No....... TYPE C
21. You always tidy up your own room.
     Yes.......go to q.16
     No.......go to q.28
22. You like watching TV programmes related to sports.
     Yes....... go to q.23
     No.......go to q.29
23. You think pure friendship cannot exist btwn opposite sexes.
     Yes....... go to q.10
     No.......go to q.17
24. You would like to learn cooking.
     Yes....... go to q.18
     No.......go to q.31
25. You have a lot of interest in the internet.
     Yes....... go to q.19
     No.......go to q.32
26. What kind of persons do you favour most?
     A. Sporty..................go to q.20
     B. Mature..................go to q.39
27. You would like to wear clothes which are specially designed to
    show off.
     Yes.......TYPE B
     No.......TYPE D
28. You like dogs more than cats.
     Yes.......go to q.22
     No.......go to q.34
29. You usually carry perfume when you go out.
     Yes.......go to q.30
     No.......go to q.35
30. You like the moon more than the sun.
     Yes....... go to q.23
     No.......go to q.24
31. You change your hair style frequently.
     Yes....... go to q.25
     No.......go to q.37
32. Serving others make you busy.
     Yes.......go to q.26
     No.......go to q.38
33. Your hair is always untidy.
     Yes.......TYPE C
     No.......go to q.27
34. You are afraid of cooking.
     Yes.......go to q.29
     No.......go to q.35
35. You have quite a lot of ornaments.
     Yes.......go to q.36
     No.......go to q.37
36. You like shopping during holidays.
     Yes.......go to q.37
     No.......go to q.31
37. You will go and make a portrait in the future.
     Yes.......go to q.32
     No.......go to q.38
38. You are not fussy abt the pattern and cutting of your underwear.
     Yes.......go to q.39
     No.......go to q.40
39. You have no interest in crafts making.
     Yes.......go to q.27
     No.......go to q.33
40. You follow the fashion trend on clothes.
     Yes.......TYPE C
     No.......TYPE D

check your results below.....

TYPE A: Outgoing Type
You are an outgoing and cheerful person. Altho you still
get frustrated sometimes, you can get through the hard
times easily and be joyful again. Your friendly personality
is your good point in the eyes of the opposite sex, but this
makes your spouse feel insecure.
Your lack of emotion is your disadvantage, but your condor
has made you popular. Friends of your gender find it hard to
understand you cos of your innocent thinking. But this
is your advantage as to attract the opposite sex who has this
same personality as you.

TYPE B: Artistic Type
You love for caring others and it is the reason why you are
a big sister/brother in people's eyes. People will find it
interesting and comfortable talking to you, and this enables you
to gain trust from them. This usually gives a good impression to
those of opposite sex who are sentimental and younger than you.

TYPE C: Lovable Type
You are a typical little sister/brother in the eyes of the opposite
sex. You are dependent and have less own opinions. Among the
4 types, you are the type that favour marriage most. You have a
vigorous sense of occupying your spouse. You can take every
oppportunity to attract other's attention as well. The first
impressiony ou give to the opposite sex is your sympathetic look and character.
This may account for the reason why others are eager to offer you
protection and security. It is suggested that you wear clean and
tidy clothes to get further more popularity.

TYPE D: Charming Type
Among the 4 types, you're the type that possess the most
charming beauty. The sexy charm that you possess does attract
other's attention and gain you much popularity though, most of
them just pay notice and show favour on your outward beauty.
You are advised not to believe too much on other's sweet and
honeyed words and phrases. It is suggested that you show more
of your talents and intelligence, so that people will have a gd
impression of you not only cos of your outward appearance
but cos you have a high opinion of intrinsic aptitude.



You can tell you've been paddling too long when.....

You go to the club and find a boat you forgot you owned.
All your new shirts are some kind of thermal underwear.
Any drive less than 4 hrs seems OK to you, provided you are in a car that
stinks.
Your car is fixed with gaffer tape.
Your pants are fixed with gaffer tape.
Your shoes are fixed with gaffer tape.
You have no doubt that anything can be fixed with gaffer tape.
You keep all your boats on your car regardless of where you're going.
You have more paddles than pairs of pants.
A gourmet meal consists of damp sandwiches and a pasty.
You realise you have just traded a vehicle that goes for a boat.
You actally like the smell of neoprene.
Your doormat says,"Put in here".
You describe your house as being on road right.
"Roll" is not a type of bread.
Your paddle has a name.
You pick out a new car soley because the model still has rain gutters.
You start a phone chain when it rains on a Friday.
Your friends think you keep hamsters.
you hate the smell of hamsters, but have to live with it.


These four catholic crones were having coffee. The first catholic
woman tells her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a
room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he
walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third catholic crone says "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he
walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence'".
Since the fourth catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first
three give her this subtle "Well...?" look, so she says "My son is
6'2"; he has broad, square shoulders; he's terribly handsome and
dresses very well.  Whenever he walks into a room, women say 'Oh, my
God...'." 



 A nun gets on a bus and sits behind the driver. She says to the bus
driver she needs someone to talk to. She lives in a convent and wants to
experience sex before she dies. The bus driver agrees but the nun explains
she can't have sex with a married man because it would be a sin. The bus
driver says no problem, he's not married. The nun says she also has to die
a virgin,so she has to take it in the ass. The bus driver agrees again and
being the only two people on the bus they go in the back and take care of
business. When they were done and he had resumed driving the bus driver
said,
"Sister, I have a confession to make, I'm married and have three kid's."

The nun replied,

"That's O.K. I have a confession too. My name is Bruce and I'm on my way to
a costume party."


WHO ARE YOU ???

VAIN: one that loves to smell his own fart

PROUD: one who thinks his farts are exceptionally fine

AMIABLE: one who loves the smell of other people's farts

SHY: one who releases silent farts and then blushes

DEPENDENT: one who boldly farts out loud and then laughs

SCIENTIFIC: one who farts but is truly concerned about air pollution

UNFORTUNATE: one who tries awfully to fart but shits instead

NERVOUS: one who stops in the middle of a fart

HONEST: one who admits he farted but offers a good medical excuse

DISHONEST: one who farts and blames others

FOOLISH: one who supresses a fart for hours and hours

THRIFTY: one who has several good farts in complete privacy

STRATEGIC: one who conceals his farts by lauging out loud

SADISTIC: one who farts in bed and then fluffs the covers

ANTI-SOCIAL: one who excuses himself and farts in complete privacy

MISERABLE: one who would love to but could not fart at all

SENSITIVE: one who farts and starts crying

BOLD: one who farts at another person

ATHLETIC: one who farts at the slightest exertion of effort

INTELLECTUAL: one who can determine from the smell of his neighbor's =
farts the latest food consumed 


IF YOU LOVE SOMEONE,

=
SET HER FREE....

=
IF SHE COMES BACK, SHE'S YOURS,

=
IF SHE DOESN'T, SHE NEVER WAS......

The New Versions.....

PESSIMIST:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, as expected, she never was...


OPTIMIST:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
Don't worry, she will come back.

SUSPICIOUS:
(1) If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, ask her why.

(2) If you love someone,
Set her free ... but get someone to
follow her

(3) If you love someone,...
are you sure you love that someone?

GO-GETTER:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, go get her !

HUNTER:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
Don't even wait whether she comes back, go
hunt her down!

IMPATIENT:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she doesn't comes back within some time
forget her.

PATIENT:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she doesn't come back, continue to wait
until she comes back ...

PLAYFUL:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
* If she comes back, and if you love her
still, set her free again, repeat *

C++ PROGRAMMER:
if(you-love(m_she))
m_she-free()
if(m_she =3D=3D NULL)
m_she=3D new CShe;

POSSESIVE:
If you love someone,
Set her free? NEVER!

PARANOID:
If you love someone,
When you let her go, she'll be out to get you.

OLD FASHIONED/CONSERVATIVE:
If you love someone,
Set her free,
But only if chaperoned by her parents.

ANIMAL-RIGHTS ACTIVIST:
If you love someone,
Set her free,
In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free!

LAWYERS:
If you love someone,
Set her free,
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second
amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly
states that...

BILL GATES:
If you love someone,
Set her free,
If she comes back,
I think we can charge her for re-installation fees
and tell her that she's also going to get
an upgrade.

BIOLOGIST:
If you love someone,
Set her free,
She'll evolve.

STATISTICIANS:
If you love someone,
Set her free,
If she loves you, the probability of her coming
back is high
If she doesn't, your relation was improbable anyway.

DENTAL HYGIENIST:
If you love someone,
Set her free,
She'll be back when the cavity strikes.

SHWARZENEGGER'S FANS:
If you love someone,
Set her free,
SHE'LL BE BACK!

WEATHERMAN:
If you love someone,
Set her free,
If she comes back, it's back!
If she doesn't... who cares!

PATHETIC:
If you love someone,
set her free,
If she comes back, okay!
if she doesn't, how could she!

SORE-LOSER:
If you love someone,
Let her go,
If she comes back, dump her!
If she doesn't, make up bad stories about her

Sooooooo....., which one are you ???


Subject: An interesting test...
>>>=20
>>>Just answer each question and look up the interpretations below.
>>>
>>>1) if your boat sank and then you swim to a life boat and climb in how =
>>>many people are in there with you?
>>>
>>>2) then you row to shore and have to cross a desert, how many pairs of =
>>>shoes do you use?
>>>
>>>3) in the distance you see a city, but to the side you pass an oasis. do

>>>=
>>>you stop and rest for as long as you want, rest for just a minute, or =
>>>ignore it and keep going towards to the city?
>>>
>>>4) you get to the city and there's a castle, at the edge of a long =
>>>corridor you see a king or a queen on the throne.  what does he/she =
>>>looks like? 

5) you go down this spiral stairway and it's dark, along the walls it's
>>>=
>>>lit with torches intermittently.  as you're walking down a knight or a =
>>>lady from the court passes you by.  you only catch a glimpse of his
>>>face. who was he/she?  someone you know.
>>>
>>>6) then you get to a banquet room and you see this long table and in the

>>>=
>>>middle of the table is a gold goblet.  you look inside.  how full of =
>>>wine is it?
>>>
>>>Check below for interpretations
>>>
>>>1) that's how many true friends you have
>>>2) that's how many true loves you'll have before getting married.
>>>3) work ethic.
>>>4) what you imagine your ideal mate to look like.
>>>5) this is the person you'll never get over for the rest of your life.
6) how full it is represents how much of yourself you give in a =
>>>relationship.


THE PERFECT STORY
                  - Submitted by Jane Cowman
            ----------------------------------------

        There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect
courtship,they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course,
perfect.

        One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a
winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress.
Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

        There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to
disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded
Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along
delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated
and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.

        Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?


(scroll down for the answer).


(scroll down for the answer).


(scroll down for the answer).


(scroll down for the answer).






The perfect woman.

Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and no such thing as a perfect man.

 BUT
===================================
* A Male's Response * (Page Down )


(scroll down for the male response)






So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must
have been driving. This explains why there was an accident.



The pilot of an aerobatic biplane landed in the recently mown field of a
>> >Scottish farmer to make a few adjustments to his engine. While he was
>> >tinkering with his machine, he noticed the Scotsman and his wife
>> >watching with a great deal of curiosity.  The Scotsman asked the pilot
>> >how much he would charge to give both he and his wife a ride.
>> >
>> >"Well", said the pilot, "Normally I charge $50 dollars each, but if you
>> >are both completely quiet throughout the flight, the ride will be free
>> >of charge.  If I hear the least amount of noise, you will owe the full
>> >fare."
>> >
>> >The couple quickly climbed aboard, and the pilot taxied and took off.
>> >Immediately, he proceeded to put his plane through all of its paces:
>> >barrel rolls, stalls, spins, split S maneuvers, you name it and he did
>> >it.  The couple in back were completely silent through out the thirty
>> >minute flight.
>> >
>> >Upon landing, the pilot said, "I really have to hand it to you for
>> >keeping quiet through all that!"

"Aye," said the Scotsman, "but I'll admit, ye almost heard me when the
>> >wife fell out."


GENISIS ACCORDING TO BONKY AND HIS SICK IMAGINATION
---------------------------------------------------


God, at the beginning of time created heaven and earth. Earth was still an
empty waste, and darkness hung over the deep; but already, over its waters,
stirred the breath of God. Unfortunately God had had a skinfull the night
before and consumed the holy Madras, which made his breath equal to that of
a Badger's arse. Then God said, Let there be light, and the light began. God
saw the light, and found it good, and he divided the spheres of light and
darkness; the light he called bed-time, and the darkness beer-time. So
evening came, the morning, and one day passed. God said, too, Let a solid
vault arise amid the waters, to keep these waters apart from those; a vault
by which God would separate the waters which were beneath it from the waters
above it; and so it was done. The vault God called Sky. So evening came,
and morning, and a second day passed.

And now God said, Let the waters below the vault collect in one place to make
dry land appear. And so it was done; the dry land God called Earth, and the
water, where it had collected, he called the Sea. All this God saw, and found
it good.  Let the earth, he said, yield grasses that grow and seed, and which
can be smoked till the Sky and Sea become one and the same; fruit-trees too,
each giving fruit of its own kind, and so propagating itself on earth. And so
it was done. And God saw it, and found it good. So evening came, and morning,
and the third day passed.

Next, God said, Let there be luminaries in the vault of the sky, to divide
the spheres of bed-time and beer-time and to give measures of time, to mark
out the day and the year. And so it was done.

Then on the fourth day, God realised that all this was boring him and so he
came it upon himself to make things a little more interesting. And so, being
the magnificent, he did take a lump of plastic and mould it so, into the
shape of a straight banana with a hole in the middle. And this he did call a
canoe, but although good and holy, it had no place on his earth yet. God saw
that this canoe would need places to go, and low, with all his magnificence,
he did pull up mountains and push-down the valleys, and thus the river was
created. Not being the perfectionist that he thought he was, he didst forget
to smooth the river bed and thus the white water was born. And upon this,
the canoe did bob and weave and God saw that it was good and holy, and even
a little scary. So evening came, and morning, and the fourth day passed.

On the fifth, God did think to himself, "I could really do with someone
sitting in that canoe", and so man was made, in God's own image. Man and
woman both, he created them, even though ultimately he made the man
stronger and the women more irritating. God placed the man and the woman
into the holy canoes, and told them the paddle fourth. Soon after he did
realise they did actually need a paddle to do this but low it was too
late. The man and the woman swam. So God did kit the pair out with spray
deck, paddle, wet suit and buoyancy aid and in doing so, nearly broke the
his holy bloody bank account. Yet again, he told the pair to go fourth and
paddle, and now they could, as they did now have a paddle. And thus by the
evening, God saw that everything was good, and the fifth day passed.

The next day, God had heard word from the man and the woman that although
the canoeing was good and holy, they were bored in the night time. And
thus God created the beer and the lager and saw that both were good and
alcoholic. And thus God gave these liquid refreshments to the man and the
woman and told them to drink and be merry. And that evening, the man and
the woman drank and were merry and ended up copping off with one another.
And God saw this, and the man and the woman called him a pervert and a
sicko and thus in rage, God did make the lager lenses for which he knew
the man and the woman would regret it in the morning. And so the evening
fell and room did spin, and vomit was seen for the very first time. Thus
ended the sixth day.

The seventh day began around 3.30 in the afternoon, as the man and the
woman had BIG hangovers. And so God did create the aspirin which he did
call Anadin Extra and did proclaim it to be able to knock a migraine off a
Rhino. The man and the woman did take these and asked the lord "what is a
rhino?", and God explained that he also had a skin full last night and had
invented all sorts of wierd and peculiar shit........ such as hikers! And
God and the man both agreed that beer was good and holy, even if it did
make you behave like an arse. And the man said to God, "We need a place of
worship and prayer, where we may go to convalesce our souls and give
thanks to the all-mighty", and God made it so and didst call it the Pub.
Whilst he was at it, he also created the beautiful games Pool and Darts,
and did degree that no woman would ever be good at either. Then God and
the man went into the pub and got pissed again, leaving the woman with
some knitting.

THE END


Last week scientists in the USA revealed that beer contains small traces of
female hormones.
To prove their theory, they gave 100 men 12 pints of beer.
They observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.


Check out the following  exercise, guaranteed to freak you out.
> >> There's no trick or surprise, but, trust me: just follow these
> >> instructions, and answer the questions one at a time and as quickly
> >> as you can!  Again, as quickly as you can but don't advance until
> >> you've done each of them... really. THIS ONE IS EVEN FREAKIER!!!!!
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> What is:
> >> 1+5 ?
> >> 2+4 ?
> >> 3+3 ?
> >> 4+2 ?
> >>
> >> 5+1 ?
> >>
> >> Now repeat saying the number 6 to yourself as fast as you can for 15
> >> seconds. then page down
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> QUICK!!!  THINK OF A VEGETABLE!  Then page down.
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> You're thinking of a carrot right?
> >> If not, you're among the 2% of the population whose minds are warped
> >> enough to think of something else.  98% of people will answer with
> >> carrot when given this exercise.


A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly 
slow group of golfers.
Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!
Doctor: I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!
Pastor: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him. 
[dramatic pause]
Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, 
aren't they?
George: Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight 
saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for 
free anytime.
The group was silent for a moment.
Pastor: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see 
if there's anything he can do for them.
Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?


How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive" ?
Olive ?
Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time ?
Because they were originally made for children but the father wants to play
with them.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why doesn't Santa have any children ?
Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down the chimney.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do blacks and Christmas trees have in common ?
They both have colored balls.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike ?
They both have ornamental balls.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on
Christmas Eve?
They go into town, and blow a few bucks.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do birds fly south for the winter ?
Because it's to far to walk.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between snowmen and snowladies ?
Snowballs.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why did the snowman have a smile on his face ?
Because the snowblower was coming down the block.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
