Three guys and a woman are driving cross-country together-- 
one from Idaho, one from Iowa, the woman is from Florida,
and the last man is from New York.

A bit down the road the man from Idaho starts to pull
potatoes from his bag and throws them out the window. The
man from Iowa turns to him and asks, "What the heck are you
doing?"

The man from Idaho says, "Man, we have so many of these
darned things in Idaho they're laying around on the ground,
I'm sick of looking at them!"

A few miles down the road, the man from Iowa begins pulling
husks of corn from his bag and throwing them out the window.
The womman from Florida asks, "WTF are you doing that for?"

The man from Iowa replies, "We have so many of these
damned things in Iowa I'm sick of looking at them!"

Inspired by the others, the woman from Florida opens the car
door and pushes the New Yorker out. :p :p :p :p :p :p

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

A woman opened the door of a building and was about to step
outside when she heard a voice saying, "Don't take that next
step or you'll regret it."

She paused and a brick came crashing to the pavement right
where she would have been standing. She looked around and
there was no one nearby.

The next day this woman was about to step into the street
when she heard this same voice say, "Don't take that next
step or you'll regret it." As she paused a truck came racing
by and smashed into a nearby vehicle. She knew if she hadn't
listened to that voice she would have been hurt badly, or
maybe even killed. 

She looked behind her and there was no one nearby. "All
right," she said, "Who are you ?" 

"I'm your guardian angel," the voice replied. 

"Aha," the woman said, "So where were you on my wedding
day?"


<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

SIGNS YOU'VE JOINED A CHEAP HMO

~~Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.

~~Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left
when you enter the trailer park."

~~Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.

~~Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

~~Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage
is "an apple a day."

~~Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you
gave to Goodwill last month.

~~"Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges"
is not a typo.

~~The only expense covered 100% is embalming.

~~With your last HMO, your Viagra pills didn't come in
different colors with little "M"'s on them.

~~You ask for Viagra. You get a Popsicle stick and duct
tape.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on
their way to visit some friends. They came to a big, muddy
hole in the road and the car became bogged. After a few
minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw
a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen
before him. 

The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and
offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50.

The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free. The
farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the
tenth car I've helped out of the mud today." 

The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and
asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land?
... You must do it at night." 

"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I
put the water in the hole."


THE THIRTEEN DAYS OF HALLOWEEN

On the first day of Halloween
My postman brought to me,
A Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the second day of Halloween,
My postman brought to me,
Two walking mummies,
And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the third day of Halloween,
My postman brought to me,
Three black cats,
Two walking mummies,
And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the fourth day of Halloween,
My postman brought to me,
Four spooky ghosts,
Three black cats,
Two walking mummies,
And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the fifth day of Halloween,
My postman brought to me,
Five witches riding brooms,
Four spooky ghosts,
Three black cats,
Two walking mummies,
And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the sixth day of Halloween,
My postman brought to me,
Six hooting owls,
Five witches riding brooms,
Four spooky ghosts,
Three black cats,
Two walking mummies,
And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the seventh day of Halloween,
My postman brought to me,
Seven scary pumpkins,
Six hooting owls,
Five witches riding brooms,
Four spooky ghosts,
Three black cats,
Two walking mummies,
And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the eighth day of Halloween,
My postman brought to me,
Eight freaky franks,
Seven scary pumpkins,
Six hooting owls,
Five witches riding brooms,
Four spooky ghosts,
Three black cats
Two walking mummies,
And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the ninth day of Halloween,
My postman brought to me,
Nine reapers reaping,
Eight freaky franks,
Seven scary pumpkins,
Six hooting owls,
Five witches riding brooms,
Four spooky ghosts,
Three black cats,
Two walking mummies,
And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the tenth day of Halloween,
My postman brought to me,
Ten skulls a-smoking,
Nine reapers reaping,
Eight freaky franks,
Seven scary pumpkins,
Six hooting owls,
Five witches riding brooms,
Four spooky ghosts,
Three black cats,
Two walking mummies,
And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the eleventh day of Halloween,
My postman brought to me,
Eleven coffins creaking,
Ten skulls a-smoking,
Nine reapers reaping,
Eight freaky franks,
Seven scary pumpkins,
Six hooting owls,
Five witches riding brooms,
Four spooky ghosts,
Three black cats,
Two walking mummies,
And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the twelfth day of Halloween,
My postman brought to me,
Twelve skeletons a-dancing,
Eleven coffins creaking,
Ten skulls a-smoking,
Nine reapers reaping,
Eight freaky franks,
Seven scary pumpkins,
Six hooting owls,
Five witches riding brooms,
Four spooky ghosts,
Three black cats,
Two walking mummies,
And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the thirteenth day of Halloween,

Before this could happen ...


... I Moved!



<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


TOP 10 HOLLOWEEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY BUT AREN'T

10. She's a goblin!
9. I'd like to get a little something in the sack tonight.
8. Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head.
7. She's got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch.
6. If you just lick it, it'll last longer.
5. Let me see your big sack!
4. Can I eat your Zagnuts?
3. Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth.
2. You scared me stiff!!

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT SOUNDS DIRTY BUT ISN'T ...

1. He's got Candy spread out on ... the living room floor!


<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

"Phil Rickard" rickard1 @ free.netname.co.uk
"Craig Milton" craig.m @ m-k.com 
ptlpshr @ aohell.com
and about 15 others, all sent this one...
(sorry if you didn't get credit, but I started deleting after the
third submission of this pun.)

A man was walking home alone one night when he hears a
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP... behind him. Walking faster, he looks back,
making out an image of an upright coffin banging its way down the
middle of the street towards him...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...

The man begins to run towards his home, and the coffin bounces
quickly after him, faster... faster ...BUMP ... BUMP ...BUMP. He
runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door,
rushes in, and locks the door behind him. However, the coffin
crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin
flapping...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP... on the heels of the terrified
man.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His
heart is pounding. With a CRASH, the coffin breaks down the
door. Coming slowly towards him, the man screaming, reaches for
something, anything... 

All he can find is a box of cough drops!

Desperate, he throws the cough drops at the coffin ...

...and...of...course,

...the coffin stops!


The US finally sent the first manned space mission to Mars.
The spacecraft gently touched down and the astronaut 
descended and tested the atmosphere. Low and behold it was 
safe for people to breathe. He removed his space suit and 
exited the spacecraft. He was amazed to find himself in a
lush green valley surrounded with beautiful wooded hills. 

He hiked for some distance and came upon a beautiful little 
white cottage with a lush green lawn surrounded by a white
picket fence like something out of Better Homes and Gardens.
He walked up to the front door and found it open.

He walked inside, looked around and hearing noises from the
kitchen he went back there. WOW, to his amazement he saw the
most beautiful blonde he had ever seen standing over a large 
pot on the stove. Inside the pot was a gooey mess that she 
was stirring with a large spoon. As he watched she kept 
stirring and stirring.

After a couple hours he finally asked her what she was doing.
She replied that she was having a baby. He was quite skeptical 
but after a couple more hours of stirring she reached down into 
the gooey mess and pulled out a beautiful baby girl. He told 
her that was really amazing but that was not the way it was done 
on Earth. She replied "How do you do it on Earth?"

With a twinkle in his eyes he said come on back to the bedroom
and I'll show you. After an hour of the wildest sex he had ever
experienced he lay back exhausted and lit up a cigarette. She 
said "Well where is the baby." He said "Oh that takes nine
months."

She replied, "Well why did you stop stirring."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

A car was involved in an accident. As expected a large crowd
gathered. A newspaper reporter, anxious to get his story, could
not get near the car.

Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, Let me through!
Let me through! I am the son of the victim.

The crowd made way for him.

Lying in front of the car was a donkey.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a
Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the
plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of
the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot
grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had
better jump, and then he bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining. The
doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I
must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest
people in the world. I deserve to live." He also grabbed a
parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived
a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life
ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said,
"Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took
off with my back pack."


The following are from a collection of signs
from around the world. The list was compiled
by Richard Lederer.

"English Well Speeched Here"

The sign in a Norwegian lounge reads:
"Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar."

Tacked on the door of a Moscow hotel room:
"If this is your first visit to the U.S.S.R., you are welcome to
it."

An airline ticket office in Copenhagen reminds you:
"We take your bags and send them in all directions."

In a certain African hotel you may choose between:
"A room with a view on the sea or the backside of the country."

A sign on a clothing store in Brussels read:
"Come inside and have a fit."

This notice was posted on a Rumanian hotel elevator:
"The lift is being fixed for the next days. During that
time we regret that you will be unbearable."

The room service in a Lisbon hotel tells you:
"If you wish for breakfast, lift the telephone and ask for
room service. This will be enough for you to bring your food up."

This sign was posted in a Scottish harbor:
"For sale boat single owner green in colour."

A Polish hotel informs prospective visitors in a flyer:
"As for the trout served you at the Hotel Monopol, you will be
singing its praise to your grandchildren as you lie on your
deathbed."

A Seville tailor makes clear how he will handle commissions:
"Order now your summer suit. Because is big rush we will execute
customers in strict rotation"

A dentist's doorway in Istanbul proclaims:
"American dentist, 2th floor. Teeth extracted by latest
methodists."

The concierge in a Sorrento hotel lets guests know he's on the
job:
"Contact the concierge immediately for informations. Please don't
wait last minutes then it will be too late to arrange any
inconveniences."

Some German hospitals display the sign:
"No children allowed in the maternity wards."

The sign at the concierge's desk in an Athens hotel reads:
"If you consider our help impolite, you should see the manager."

A sign in a Kowloon hotel warns:
"Is forbidden to steal hotel towels. Please if you are
not person to do such is please not to read notice."

A notice in a Vienna hotel urges:
"In case of fire do your utmost to alarm the hall porter."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Democrats announced today they are changing their emblem 
from a donkey to a condom because it more clearly reflects 
their party's political stance...

A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, 
discourages cooperation, protects a bunch of dicks and gives 
a sense of security while screwing others.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

George looks like a golf pro in his designer outfit, but he
slices his first drive deep into the woods. 

Rather than accept a penalty, he decides to try using an iron to
get back on the fairway. But his ball ricochets off a tree and
strikes him on the forehead, killing him instantly. 

When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets him. 
"You look like a golfer. Are you any good?"

George replies, "I got here in two, didn't I?"


NUMBER OF DRINKS & BEHAVIORAL DIFFERENCES 

<<<=ONE=>>> - Relaxed To most drinkers the first pint or
whatever disappears almost unnoticed and will have little or no
effect on speech/coordination etc.
Conversation will be of the polite, perfunctory variety e.g.
soaps, school days, sport and the price of net curtains,
etc. ... Some beer-mat flicking will be in evidence, as the ice
hasn't quite melted yet. Potentially a good time for the
politically incorrect amongst you to tell a bad taste or sexist
joke. Did you hear the one about the one-eyed Latvian and the
chicken?

<<<=TWO=>>> - Merry With the taste of that naughty little
intoxicant in you mouth, the second drink is invariably downed at
a much faster rate than the first, with everyone anticipating the
revelry to come. Conversation will have picked up probably now
touching on sports, soaps, school days - what else is there? Oh
yeah -and in non-specific detail, sex. It's time to consider
your first visit to the toilet, get a round of drinks on your way
back. This is a good time to go to buy drinks, the bar will be
easily accessible and if not everyone has shown up yet, you will
get away with a smaller round, enough said.

<<<=THREE=>>> - Tipsy Inhibitions start to break down as the
alcohol puts to bed the spoilsport part of the brain that
controls reasonable behavior. The urge to consume copious
amounts of salted bar-snacks will begin about now and last right
up until the first wave of nausea strikes. Conversation still on
soaps and sports - however, the sex talk becomes more specific
and of a "I'd give that one"
nature. Still a weight off your mind, you will have forgotten
all about the price of net curtains.
Could be a good time for the first belching contest of the
evening, boys in particular go a bundle on this type of
competition.

<<<=FOUR=>>> - Half-cut Voices are without doubt getting louder
and the same jokes are now much, much funnier than they seemed
earlier. The incessant repetition of some dodgy comedian's
redundant catch phrase will also never fail to get laughs...
very poor. Hands on top of your pint, as anything else is an
open invitation to get to have a bar snack thrown in it. The
conversation now turns from the idle fantasy of 'partners you
wished you'd had' to graphic detail of the 'partners you've had'.
Hand/eye coordination is now on the difficult side, boys take
care not to catch your foreskin (or anyone else's in your zip
fly. Some girls will be working up to the first of the evening's
"nobody likes me - everybody hates me" tears in the toilet
crises.

<<<=FIVE=>>> - Drunk Definitely the best part of the evening,
everything is funny and everybody loves each other, this is what
social drinking is all about. However, it's all downhill from
now on, as those deep dark primeval urges - such as the need to
eat the flesh of a dead animal or more commonly to procreate,
take over - and man is driven to satiate these ancient desires
come what may.

<<<=SIX TO SEVEN=>>> - Rat-arsed Anything you say from now on
you will regret in the morning, that's if anybody else can
remember what the fuck you were talking about, but mark my words,
there's always one who will. Conversation will now be on a
one-to-one basis, as nobody possesses the necessary social skills
to interact with anybody but the person nearest them. Thoughts
return to the flesh of the opposite sex, will they ever go away?
Some people expound the theory that you always tell the truth
when you're drunk, but I am more the opinion you always say
whatever is necessary to end up in the pantyhose/y-fronts of the
person you've got them most chance to do so with. Vomiting is
now a distinct possibility, a clandestine tactical chuck at this
stage of the evening is advisable as a public one later could
ruin any chance of a meaningful sexual encounter and will also
leave room for a curry.

<<<=EIGHT TO TEN=>>> - Shit-faced (alternatively Wankered)
It is now that time of the evening when your fellow drinkers
undergo massive mood changes. Some people get aggressive when
they've had one over eight, particularly those whose drink you've
just hoovered. Others get maudlin, teary and start to question
the purpose of their existence of this planet. Hey, if only
they'd realize that there isn't one and that having fun down the
pub with friends is as close as it gets. Me? I know it's hard
to imagine but I find I get even wittier, even more charming and
better looking at this stage in the proceedings. Unfortunately,
nobody else seems to notice - pissheads.

<<<=ELEVEN TO FIFTEEN=>>> - Esperanto For some reason you will
find yourself totally fluent in Esperanto, however, nobody shares
your bilingual talent. It is also quite possible that you'll
fall over at any minute. What the hey, don't worry about it, if
ever there was a time to fall arse over tit, this is it - it
won't hurt in the slightest and if you've got any friends left in
the morning you can proudly show off your beer wounds. By now
your carnal wants will be replaced by the overwhelming desire to
sleep in your own bed - if you don't live nearby, the pavement
will look ever so tempting, particularly to back-sufferers as its
orthopedic qualities are well known.

<<<=SIXTEEN PLUS=>>> - Clinically Dead You'll feel like you've
been eaten by a wolf and spewed out over a cliff - but don't you
worry about it, what better place to sleep off your hangover and
try desperately to remember what the fuck you did the night
before, than at work. Never again till the next time (or even
lunchtime), mine's a pint and get one in for yourself - cheers
then.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

An ugly woman walked into a bar carrying a duck under her arm.
The local drunk saw this and asked, "Say there, whatcha doin'
with that pig?"

"That's not a pig, stupid!" she said coldly. "That's a duck."

"I know," replied the drunk. "I was talking to the duck." 

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

A couple was having trouble conceiving a child, so they
went to a doctor. He examined them, and concluded that
the problem was one of insufficient penetration. He
suggested to the man that they try the rear-entry position.

The man said, "What is that?"

The doctor replied, "Just watch the dogs and do like they do."

The man said, "My wife is very shy and she won't do that."

The doctor replied, "Try giving her a cocktail or two and she
will lose all inhibition." Some while later the doctor met the
man, pushing a baby carriage. "I see it worked!" the doctor
said.

"Yes it did Doc, but now the problem is ... my wife is an
alcoholic!"

"How did that happen?" the doctor asked.

"Well, every time we did it ... it took seven or eight drinks
just to get her out into the front yard!"


The pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, all
of whom could not figure out how to cure him. Finally he was
brought to an old physician, who stated that he could figure it
out.

After about an hour's examination he came out and told the
cardinals that he knew what was wrong. He said that the bad news
was that it was a rare disorder of the testicles. He said that
the goods news was that all the pope had to do to be cured was to
have sex.

Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about
it at length. Finally they went to the pope with the doctor and
explained the situation.

After some thought, the pope stated, "I agree, but under four
conditions."

The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar. Over
all of the noise there arose a single voice that asked, "And what
are the four conditions?"

The room stilled. There was a long pause... The pope replied,
"First the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see with whom
she is having sex.

"Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she
is having sex.

"And third she must be dumb so that if somehow she figures out
with who she is having sex, she can tell no one."

After another long pause a voice arose and asked, "And the fourth
condition?"

The pope smiled and replied, "Big tits."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

In Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the
ground with clubs and uttering spine chilling cries. 
Anthropologists call this a form of primitive self-expression ...
In America we call it golf.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

JUST MARRIED

On their first night to be together, the newly wed couple go to
change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and
wearing her beautiful robe. 

The proud husband says, "my dear, we are married now, you can
open your robe."

The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished.
"Oh, oh, aaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let
me take your picture."

Puzzled she asks, "my picture?" 

He answers, "yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my
heart forever". 

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the
bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new
wife asks, "why do you wear a robe? We are married now." 

At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, oh, my, let
me get a picture". 

He beams and asks, "why?" 

She answers, "so I can get it enlarged!" 


SIGNS THAT TECHNOLOGY HAS TAKEN OVER YOUR LIFE:

Your stationery has fax number, 2 e-mail addresses, 
& your Internet address.

You have two or more Internet Service Providers.

You disdain people who use low baud, screen refresh 
or MHz rates.

You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your 
automobile tires.

You need to fill out a form with a typewriter; but you only 
know computers with laser printers.

You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per 
gallon.

You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR 
are stupid.

You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually 
know where they are.

You think of gadgets as "friends," but forget to send real 
friends birthday cards.

You have a good copier and a fax, but your toaster turns 
bread into charcoal.

You use all the Internet terms in conversations without 
even thinking about it.

You sign cards by putting :-) next to your signature.

And worse: you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols 
that are far more clever!

The fact that the term "CD" could also refer to finance/music 
rarely occurs to you.

In a computer store, you answer the customers' questions; 
the salesperson listens.

You know hundreds of e-mail address and URLs, but not 
your social security number.

You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with the term 
"voice number."

You read computer manuals faster than everyone else reads 
fiction novels.

At computer trade shows you map out your path of the exhibit 
hall in advance.

And finally... 

You actually understood all the humor in this message.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


"Nasty looking crew you got to handle out there this morning,
judge," said the baliff. "Where did the cops find all those
crooks?"

His Honor replied, "Harrison, the crooks won't be here for
another fifteen minutes. Those are the lawyers."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

BELIEVE IT OR NOT

Excerpted from the book, "Masquerade: The Amazing Camouflage
Deceptions of World War II," by Seymour Reit; Signet, 1980.

Another enemy decoy, built in occupied Holland, led to a tale
that has been told and retold ever since by veteran Allied
pilots. The German "airfield," constructed with meticulous care,
was made almost entirely of wood.

There were wooden hangars, oil tanks, gun emplacements, trucks,
and aircraft.

The Germans took so long in building their wooden decoy that
Allied photo experts had more than enough time to observe and
report it.

The day finally came when the decoy was finished, down to the
last wooden plank. And early the following morning, a lone RAF
plane crossed the Channel, came in low, circled the field once,
and dropped a large wooden bomb.

The footnote for this is: Several versions of this anecdote
exist, the most reliable of which can be found in Major M. E.
DeLonge's "Modern Airfield Planning and Concealment" (New York:
Pitman, 1943), page 135.


WHY BOTHER?

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon
Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony,
two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into
the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later
they were both eaten by a killer whale. 

A psychology student rented out her spare room to a carpenter
in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After
weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an ax
leaving her mentally retarded. 

In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the
world flagpole-sitting record. By the time he had come down,
eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone
bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity
had been cut off. 

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking
frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist
towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the
deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the
back door, breaking is arm in two places. A shame as he had
merely been listening to his Walkman. 

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of
sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all
two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and
stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death. 

Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a
letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it.
You've guessed it, he opened it and said a fond farewell to his
face. 

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

George W. Bush says he believes in a Republican Party that
stresses compassionate conservatism. "What exactly does 
that mean? Making the streets safer before you kick people 
out on them?" 
~Dennis Miller

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by,
the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was
so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a
rate of three to six a day. So one day he called the sheriff's
office and said, You've got to do something about all of these
people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I don't care, just do something about those drivers."

So the next day he had the county go out and put up a sign 
that said: 
SLOW - SCHOOL CROSSING.

Three days later the farmer called the sheriff and said, "You've
got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing'
sign seems to make them go faster." So, again, the sheriff sends
out the county and they put up a new sign: 
SLOW - CHILDREN AT PLAY.

And that really sped them up. So the farmer called and called and
called everyday for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff,
"Your signs are doing no good. Is it all right for me to put up
my own sign?"

The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was
going to let the farmer do just about anything in order to have
him stop calling. Well, the sheriff got no more calls from the
farmer.

Three weeks after the farmers last call, the sheriff decided to 
call him. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put 
up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then.
I've got to go. I'm very busy." And he hung up the phone. The
sheriff thought to himself, "I'd better go to that farmer's house
and look at that sign... There might be something there that WE
could use to slow down drivers..."

So the sheriff drove out to the farmer's house, and he saw the
sign. It was a whole sheet of plywood. And written in large
yellow letters were the words:

SLOW - NUDIST COLONY.


Once three scientists died in a car crash and for their sins they
went to hell. Satan received them and told them they were going
to be swimming in the lake of fire and sulfur for eternity.

The three scientists were very afraid and one of them said: "Oh
please almighty lord of the darkness, please give us another
chance to live so we can do things right".

Satan laughed and said: "Why, in hell I will let you live again
don't you get it? This is hell you'll fry for what you've done."

Quickly one of the scientists replied: " Satan we've been bad in
our lives as men but as scientists we're the best and we've done
so much for the world, please give us another chance".

Satan then thinks: "What the hell, lets give 'em a chance, I'll
ask them something impossible so they have to stay here and while
they try to look for the answer I might be amused by their
search".

So Satan says to the three men: "I'll let you go to earth one
more time and if you bring me back something I cannot melt, I'll
let you live."

The three scientists look at each other thinking: "Well, we might
have a chance". So the first guy goes to earth as the other two
waited with Satan.

He quickly travels to a small island in the pacific where the US
had the best geologists in the nation studying the volcanic
activity in the area. He gathered them and tells them about the
chance he had been given and asks for their help.

One of the geologists told him: "Sir you've come to the right
place, we've just found a special kind of rock formation for
which we haven't been able to find a melting point."

So they give the man a sample of the rock and he went back into
hell and gives it to Satan. Satan took the rock in his hands and
with little or no trouble managed to melt it.

The second scientist was almost peeing his pants for what he had
just witnessed but went out to find something. 

He ran into a Japanese textile secret lab and told his story
hoping for some help. One Japanese guy told him: "Well mister
you've come to the right place, we recently developed a new type
of fabric that's virtually impossible to melt." 

They gave the guy the piece of fabric and he went back into hell
and gives it to Satan. Satan laughs and with no trouble burns the
fabric to a crisp.

The third scientist was really scared, he thought: "Well there's
no chance for me to go out there and find something this red hot,
horned, demon can't melt". 

And just as he was about to tell Satan to fry him, he remembered
what he had in his pocket. He reached in and took out a small
round green object and handed it to Satan. 

Satan laughed and tried to melt it but nothing happened. He tries
harder and but still nothing happened.

Satan is so pissed off he summons all the dark powers of hell to
help him melt the little green thing but again nothing happened. 

So Satan, all beat up and exhausted, tells the third scientist
that he has just won, that he'll let him go back to earth and
live again, but before he left, he had to tell him what this
little green thing was that even he couldn't melt.

The guy replied: "It's an M&M. They melt in your mouth, not in
your hands.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on 
mental health and was giving an oral test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How 
would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth 
screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a 
chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A 
basketball coach?"

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

THE BLONDE AND THE SMART PILLS

A blonde signs up for research project testing "smart" pills. 
Amazingly, the pills work and the blonde becomes smarter, so she
dyes her hair and becomes a brunette.

One day, she is out driving in the country and spots a farmer in
his field with his sheep. She decides to test out her new found
smartness, so she stops and walks up to the farmer. She says,
"If I can correctly guess how many sheep you have in your field,
can I have a sheep?"

The farmer thinks a moment and says, "Sure." He is thinking that
she could never guess correctly, so it is a pretty safe bet.

She says, "578." The farmer says, "Wow, that is correct. I
guess you can pick out your sheep." So, the blonde picks out a
sheep and puts it in the trunk of her car.

The farmer says, "Wait. If I can guess your original hair color,
can I have my dog back?"


Thelma was in her eighties, and much admired for her
sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call
on her one afternoon early in spring, and she welcomed
him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have
a seat while she prepared a little tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister
noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled
with water. In the water floated, of all things, a
condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his
curiosity! Surely Thelma had flipped or something,
but he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in
her parlor.

When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to
chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about
the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it
got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.

"Thelma," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about
this." (pointing to the bowl).

"Oh yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking
downtown last fall and I found this little package. It
said to put it on your organ and keep it wet, and it would
prevent disease. And you know, I think it's working. I
haven't had a cold all winter."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Charisma is what makes one man a skinny grandfather with bad
teeth repeating the same story since 1964, and the other man Mick
Jagger singing 'Satisfaction' to a stadium full of screaming fans
at 300 bucks a head. 
~Dennis Miller

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

A guy walks into a bar and sits down to have a drink. There
is a good looking girl sitting a couple of stools over, she
looks at him a gives him a wink. He scoots over and offers
her a drink, which she gratefully accepts. After a few mild
pleasantries of conversation, the young lady mentions she is
going through a divorce.

"You too huh?" says the man. Why are you getting a divorce?"

"My husband thinks I am too perverted." was her reply.

"What a coincidence, MY wife thinks I am too perverted!" he says
to her. "She says I am too kinky when it comes to sex..."

"Wow, my husband thinks the same of me, why don't we explore our
perversions together?"

He agrees, they finish their drinks and leave the bar. Knowing
neither can go to one anothers' house because of their estranged
spouses, they drive to a remote location where they can be alone.

The woman was becoming quite aroused about this time, and jumps
into the back seat, and takes off her clothes in anticipation of
what is to come...

"Please hurry baby, I want to get kinky with you!" she moans from
the back seat. She hears him fumble with his belt, then hears
his zipper come down, then finally his pants coming down.

Nearly beside herself, she is somewhat surprised when she hears
him pull his pants back up, then his zipper, then his belt
getting fastened.

"Hey, I thought we were going to explore our perversions here!"
she complained.

"We did!" he says, "I just shit in your purse!"


The new school year started and the grade school teacher wanted
some students to tell a brief story about summer vacation. 
Several students eagerly raised their hands including Little
Johnny. The teacher asked Alice to tell a story.

"We took a trip to the Grand Canyon during vacation" Alice said. 
"We rode donkeys down a steep trail to the bottom of the canyon,
it was fun."

The teacher asked for another volunteer, several students eagerly
raised their hands including little Johnny. She was afraid to
call on little Johnny because he swore a lot in last years
classroom. The teacher chose Fred to tell a story.

"My Dad and I went on a fishing trip way out in the country. We
stopped at a small pond, I cast my lure into the pond and caught
the biggest trout We'd ever seen! We started a campfire and
cooked the trout, it was great!" Fred reported.

"That nice Fred, now how about another volunteer". Several
students were waving their hands. The teacher felt sorry for
Little Johnny and wanted to give him another chance.

"My Dad and I went on a deer hunting trip. We saw a huge 18
point buck in the field, my Dad aimed and shot it right in the
asshole" Little Johnny said. The teacher was mad, "Johnny you
mean rectum." she said.

"Rectum, you bet it rectum, shot his balls clean off."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

SCAVANGER HUNT

A woman answered her front door and found two little boys holding
a list. 

"Lady," one of them explained, "we're on a scavanger hunt, and
we still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece
of used carbon paper to earn a dollar."

"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging
hunt?"

"Our baby-sitter's boyfriend."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY'S OBITUARY

Veteran Pillsbury spokes model Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of 
a severe yeast infection.

He was 71. Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral
ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out
including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack,
Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies. The grave side was
piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered
the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he
was kneaded." 

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was
filled with many turnovers. 

He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of
his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old
man, he was a roll model for millions.

Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and
another in the oven.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 15 minutes.


THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THANKSGIVING BUT AREN'T

Whew, that's one terrific spread.
I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
Talk about a huge breast.
It's cool whip time!
If I don't undo my pants I'll burst!
Are you ready for seconds yet?
Are you going to come again next time?
It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
Just wait your turn, You'll get some.
Don't play with your meat.
Just spread the legs open and stuff it in!
Do you think you'll be able to handle all of these people
at once?
I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
You still have a little bit on your chin.
Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it.
How long will it take after you stick it in?
You'll know its ready when it pops up.
Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
How many are coming?
That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
Just lay back and take it easy, I'll do the rest.
How long do I beat it before its ready?

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


The Dalai Lama, while in NY, walks up to a hot dog vendor and
says, "Make me one with everything."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

ARE YOU A GEEK?

This quiz is dedicated to all of those people who find themselves
constantly roaming the net. Do you leave yourself logged in
twenty-four hours a day, even when you're not home? Is your wpm
typing speed higher than your IQ? Are you having trouble seeing
things at distances greater than 2 feet? Yes, YOU. You know who
you are.

Ok... shall we begin? Yes? 5 points... (you could've backed out.)

Unless otherwise stated, point values are as follows: 
2 for (a), 4 for (b), 6 for (c), and 10 for (d).

~~~~~~~~~~

1) How many valid net addresses do you have?
Multiple machines at the same site do not count.

____Internet
____UUCP 
____Other public access 
____Other
____Bitnet 
____Freenet
____Internet BBS 
____All seven
(2 points each)

2) How many hours did it take for you to create your .sig?

a) Huh?
b) More than one
c) More than five
d) I'm still looking for a really funky quote

3) On an average working day, how many email messages do you
receive?

a) Nobody sends me any mail... snif
b) Three, but they're all from Lester in the next cubicle over,
because he has nothing better to do
c) I can't count that high, I failed calculus
d) Don't ask me now, I'm too busy. Send me e-mail.

4) Alright, fess up. Have you ever read alt.sex.bondage just to
see what the heck those perverts were talking about?

a) Yes, and I'm so ashamed
b) Yes, and I'm so embarrassed
c) Yes, and would you please explain a few things to me...
d) No, never. (10 points. You're lying.)

5) Have you ever met one of your past SO's (significant others)
via a computer network?

a) No
b) Yes, through a newsgroup we both posted on
c) Yes, by chatting randomly over the Internet (shame!)
d) Yes, by chatting over RELAY

6) Once you've logged onto your system, what do you spend most of
your time doing?

a) Going through the library system and putting books on
reserve
b) Reading _Alice in Wonderland_ in the online bookshelf
c) Reading the monthly postings on rec.humor.funny
d) Writing up stupid quizzes because you've done everything
else

7) If someone were to telephone your home at any given moment of
the day, what would be the percent chance that your phone would
be busy?

a) Zero... I've got call waiting
b) 25%.... I only dial in from work (Uh, hi, boss)
c) 75%.... Duh, so that's why nobody ever calls me
d) Zero... My modem has a separate phone line

8) Which Usenet newsgroups do you spend the most time reading?

a) The comp. groups ... because they're so informative
b) The soc. groups ... because they're so multicultural
c) The rec. groups ... because they're so diverting
d) The alt. groups ... because I don't know what half those
words mean

9) What's your worst complaint about having an Internet account?

a) I have to pay $20/month for it
b) The damn sysadmins won't give me enough quota to hold all my
MP3s
c) All those programmers keep tying up the modem lines
d) I have to stay in school to keep it

10) Check your watch now. What time is it?

a) 10 am... coffee break
b) 3 pm.... General Hospital's on
c) 12 am... one last login before I hit the sack
d) 4 am.... Oh my God, I've got a test tomorrow

ALRIGHT, FOLKS. SCORING TIME!

0-25 points: You're not a Geek. Go read a manual or two and come
back next year.

25-50 points: You're an up-and-coming Geek. Why don't you telnet
over to 128.6.4.8 and play around with the Quartz BBS for a
while.

50-75 points: You're a full-fledged Geek. Join the club.

75-100 points: You're an Internet addict. Try going to the
library this week, it'll do you some good.

100+ points: You're an Internet obsessive-compulsive. Unplug your
computer, go out in the woods for a few days, and relax. Lay back
and listen to the birds singing. Clear your mind. 


A WW II American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe
for three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R. He
caught a supply boat to a supply base in the south of England,
then caught a train to London. The train was extremely crowded
and he could not find a seat. He was dead on his feet and walked
the length of the train looking for any place to sit down.

Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other;
there was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only
a proper looking, older British lady, with a small dog sitting in
the empty seat beside her. "Could I please sit in that seat" he
asked. The lady was insulted; "you Americans are so rude" she
said, "can't you see my dog is sitting there"? 

He walked through the train more and still could not find a seat. 
He found himself back at the same place. "Lady, I love dogs -
have a couple at home - so I would be glad to hold your dog if I
can sit down" he said.

The lady replied "you Americans are not only rude you are
arrogant" she said. He leaned against the wall for a time, but
was so tired he finally said "lady, I've been on the front lines
in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that
time; could I please sit there and hold your dog?" The lady
replied "you Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are
also obnoxious." 

With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the
dog, threw it out the widow, and sat down. The lady was
speechless. An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on
the other seat spoke up. "Young man, I do not know if all you
Americans fit the lady's description of you or not. But I do
know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on
the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong
hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out of the
window."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Try this one three times fast(outloud):

One smart fellow, he felt smart.
Two smart fellows, they felt smart.
Three smart fellows, they all felt smart.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Revived from the big-gyant-archives and worthy of reprint:

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can get going without pep pills,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your
troubles,

If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give 
you any time,

If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you
when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct
him,

If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor
friend,

If you can face the world without lies and deceit,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

If you can say honestly that deep in your heart you have no
prejudice against creed, color, religion or politics,

Then, my friend, you are *almost* as good as your dog!


T-SHIRTS SAYINGS FOR WOMEN WHO TAKE NO CRAP

I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.

Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later.

Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time.

Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?

I'm multi-talented: I can talk and tick you off at the same time

Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.

Don't tick me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies

You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP!

Guys have feelings too. But like...who cares?

I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.

Next mood swing... 6 minutes.

I hate everybody and you're next

Please don't make me kill you.

And your point is...?

I used to be a schizophrenic, but we're ok now

All stressed out and no one to choke.

I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people

How can I miss you if you won't go away?

Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not. 

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

COMPUTER USER'S SERENITY PRAYER

Lord ... 
Grant me the serenity to accept 
a post I cannot change, courage to walk 
past the computer without turning it on 
when I'm running late for work, and the 
wisdom to know the difference between 
"come to bed now" meaning "let's have 
some fun" and "come to bed NOW" 
meaning "the computer has got to go." 
... Amen

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

It was slightly before Thanksgiving. The trip went reasonably
well, and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other end
had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared
annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.

Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being
slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.

Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become
one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging
mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red
paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the
flatter and pointier parts, that could be taken for mistletoe
only in a very Picasso sort of way.

With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent
it, he said to the attendant, "Even if I were not married, I
would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of
mistletoe."

"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."
(pause)

"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place
you'd have to step forward for a kiss."

"That's not why it's there."
(pause)

"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"

"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."

~Author Unknown


In the afternoon this guy drives down a highway to visit a nearby
lake and relax. On his way to the lake one guy dressed from head
to toe in red standing on the side of the highway gestures him to
stop. Our guy rolls down the window.
"How can I help you?" 

"I am the red bastard of the asphalt, you got something to eat?" 
With a smile on his face he hands one of his sandwiches to the
red dressed guy and drives away. Not even five minutes
thereafter he comes across another guy. 

This time the guy is dressed fully in yellow, standing on the
side and waving him to stop. A bit irritated our guy stops,
cranks down the window. 
"What can I do for you?" 

"I am the yellow bastard of the asphalt, you got something to
drink?" Hardly managing to smile this time he hands to the guy a
can of coke and takes off again. In order to make it to the
lakeside before sunset he decides to go faster and not to stop no
matter what. 

To his frustration he sees another guy on the side, dressed all
in blue, making a hand signal to stop him. Not quite willing,
our guy decides to stop a last time, rolls his window down and
yells to the guy, "So, you blue bastard of the asphalt, whadda
YOU wanna have?" 

"Driver's license and registration please." 

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. 
He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his
cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a
bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of
smokes," he said to himself.

He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he
was cleaning up, the homeowner came in. "Here," she said,
handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the
hallway." "Now," she said, "if only I could find my parakeet."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

The recreational director of a mental hospital wanted to take a
well behaved group of inmates to a baseball game.

The General Manager of the club was a little leery of this.
However the Recreational Director asked, " If I prove to you how
well behaved they are, will you let them in?" It was agreed. 

They all sat down and "Stand up, nuts." Everyone stood up. "Sit
down, nuts." Everyone sat down. "Look behind you nuts." Everyone 
turned around. Pleased with that, the General Manager let them
in. 

About the 3rd inning or so, he heard a tremendous commotion,
people running helter skelter. He asked someone in the stands,
"What's going on?"

The guy said, "I don't know. I heard someone call out
'Peanuts!', and then..." 


Bob works in the customer service call center of a national pager
company. He deals with the usual complaints regarding poor pager
operation, as well as the occasional crank caller demanding to be
paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people.

The best call came from a man who repeatedly complained that he
keeps being paged by "Lucille." 

He was instructed that he would have to call her and tell her to
stop paging him.

"She don't never leave no number, so I can't call her back," he
said.

After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was
Lucille if she didn't leave a number.

"She leaves her name," was the reply.

After establishing that the customer had a numeric-only pager,
the light bulb came on.

"How does she spell her name?" the service rep asked.

"L-O-W C-E-L-L"

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

The congregation liked their new clergyman, but were somewhat
puzzled by his speaking style. His first sermon ran only eight
minutes; the second Sunday he spoke for 45 minutes; the third 
week he rattled on for an hour-and-a-half. That was enough for
the Board to summon him for a little chat.

To their relief, Wilkerson had a ready explanation. "The
Saturday before the first sermon, I had my teeth pulled and my
mouth was still terribly sore. But, by the time a week had gone
by, I'd gotten used to my new dentures." Here the minister
paused, and blushed deeply. "And as for last Sunday ... well,
I'm afraid that I picked up my wife's set of teeth by mistake!"

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

A lady called her gynecologist, and asked for an "emergency"
appointment. The receptionist said to come right in. She rushed
to the office, and was ushered right into an examination room.
The doctor came into the exam room and asked about her problem. 

She was very shy about her emergency problem, and asked the
gynecologist to please examine her vagina.

So the doctor started to examine her. He stuck up his head
after completing his examination. "I'm sorry, Miss," he said,
"but removing that vibrator is going to involve a very lengthy,
delicate and expensive surgical operation." 

"I'm not sure I can afford it," sighed the young woman. "But
while I am here could you just replace the batteries ? "


USEFUL EXPRESSIONS FOR HIGH STRESS DAYS 

Well, aren't we just a fucking ray of sunshine?

Not the brightest crayon in the box, are we?

A hard-on does NOT count as personal growth.

Do I look like a fucking people person?

This isn't an office, it's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

If I wanted to hear the pitter patter of little feet,
I'll put shoes on the cat.

The aliens obviously forgot to remove your anal probe.

Let me show you how the prison guards do it.

And your cry-baby, whiny-assed opinion would be?

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

Whatever look you were trying to achieve, you missed.

Do they ever shut up on your planet?

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

I can't remember if I'm the evil or good twin.

How many times do I have to flush before you go away?

You say I'm a bitch like it was a bad thing.

Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?

Nice perfume, but must you marinade in it?

You look like shit, so is that the style now?

Aw, did I step on your poor, little-bitty ego?

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping
wife and four children. Three of the children are tall, good
looking and athletic; but, the fourth and youngest is an ugly
runt.

"Darling wife," the husband whispers, "assure me that the
youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I
die, I will forgive you if ..."

The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely,
no question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his
father."

The man then dies, happy. The wife mutters under her breath:
"Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Guess it's time to blow the dust off of this one for another
year... hmm, I think its even got mold on it :p

He laid her on the table,
So white, clean and bare.

His forehead wet with beads of sweat,
He rubbed her here and there.

He touched her neck and then her breast,
And then, drooling, felt her thigh.

The slit was wet and all was set, 
He gave a joyous cry.

The hole was wide... he looked inside,
All was dark and murky.

He rubbed his hands and stretched out his arms,
And then he stuffed the turkey.


There was this man who had a dog which he was attempting to
train, but alas had very little success. He was on the verge of
despair when he happened across a very charismatic American
evangelist. He unburdened his soul to the American, who promptly
informed him to leave the dog with him, and he would have it
trained in a jiffy.

The next day the man returns, and asks how the evangelist got on.
The reply was positive, and the evangelist calls the dog to give
a demonstration. Picking up a stick, he throws it and says,
"Fetch." Instantly the dog takes off, grabs the stick and
returns. The evangelist says, "Drop" and the dog drops the stick
at his feet.

"Roll over," and the dog rolls over. By this time the dog's owner
is very excited, and asks if he can have a go. "Sure," replies
the evangelist.

"Heel!" says the owner and the dog lifts one paw, places it on
the man's forehead and says, "I command this sickness to leave
you..."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

>From the Butterball Turkey Hotline Where People Call to Get Advice
How to Cook a Turkey from the Experts:

* Thanksgiving Dinner on the run. A woman called 1-800-323-4848 to find
out how long it would take to roast her turkey. To answer the question,
the Talk-Line home economist asked how much the bird weighed. The 
woman responded, "I don't know, it's still running around outside."

* Tofu turkey? No matter how you slice it, Thanksgiving just isn't
Thanksgiving without turkey. A restaurant owner in California wanted to
know how to roast a turkey for a vegetarian menu.

* Then there's the time a lady was picking through the frozen turkeys
at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy 
replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

It was dead winter and colder than hell, when Billy Bob noticed
his outdoor toilet was full. Now that was a problem he didn't
know how to handle, so Billy searched out Clem for advice. Clem
told Billy that the thought they could use dynamite to clean out
the hole. He just happened to have a few sticks left from a job
he done the past summer.

The next day Clem went over to Billy's house and they both looked
down the hole. Clem said, "Yep, its full. I think this one will
take two sticks!"

So he and Billy got busy, put the dynamite in the hole and put a
long fuse to it. They were standing behind the wood pile nearby
when Billy's wife Sally came running out of the house and headed
straight for the toilet. 

Billy and Clem both yelled and hollered for Sally to stop, but
she kept going and said, "I don't have time to stop and talk, I
gotta take care of business." 

WELL lo and behold, Sally no more than got seated and the whole
toilet blew up. Boards and shit flew all over. 

Sally picked herself off the ground, looked at Billy and Clem and
said, "WHEW, I am sure glad that I didn't let that one go in the
house!"


THE HUNGER SITE AT THE U.N.

This is a great site. All you do is click a button and somewhere
in the world some hungry person gets a meal to eat at no cost to
you. The food is paid for by corporate sponsors. 100% of what
sponsors pay goes directly to the United Nations World Food
Program for food. All you do is go to the site and click. You're
only allowed one click per day so spread the word to others.
Visit the site and help make a difference. 
Thanks and have a Happy Thanksgiving! ~BGH

<http://www.thehungersite.com>
<a href="http://www.thehungersite.com">THE HUNGER SITE</a>

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

There was an old married couple that had happily lived 
together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their 
marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking 
wind nearly every morning as he awoke. 

The noise would always wake up his wife, and the smell 
would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and 
gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with 
him to stop ripping one in the morning. He told her that he 
couldn't help it. She begged him to see a doctor to see if 
anything could be done but the husband wouldn't hear of it. 
He told her that it was just a natural bodily function, and 
then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the 
fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was 
nothing natural about it, and if he didn't stop, he was one 
day going to "shoot his guts out."

The years went by, and the wife continued to suffer, and the 
husband continued to ignore her warnings about "shooting
his guts out" until one Thanksgiving morning. Before dawn, 
the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast.

She fixed pumpkin pie, mashed potatoes, made gravy and, 
of course, a turkey. While she was taking out the turkey's 
innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might 
solve her husband's problem. With a devilish grin on her face, 
she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked 
upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake. 
While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers 
and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. 

She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's 
underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed 
back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.

Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his 
normal loud butt trumpeting. This was soon followed by a 
blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps 
as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom.

The wife could not control herself, and her eyes began to tear 
up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting 
up with him she had finally gotten even. 

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs 
in his blood-stained underpants with a look of horror in his 
eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing, and she asked 
him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right - 
all those years you warned me, and I didn't listen to you." 

"What do you mean?" innocently asked his wife.

"Well you always told me that I would end up shooting my 
guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. 
But by the grace of good Lord and these two fingers, I think 
I got 'em all back in."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

I received a phone call yesterday and the only thing I could hear
on the line was heavy breathing, so I repeated, "Hello? Who is
this?"

My caller whispered, "I bet you want me to come 'round to your
house, take you upstairs into your bedroom," 
[more heavy breathing here]
"...undress you, lick you from head to toe and make love to you
until morning."

"Geez," I replied, "and you can tell all that just from 'Hello'?" 

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Top Ten Signs That You're Going To Have A Dysfunctional, 
White-Trash Family Thanksgiving 

by H. Kent Craig 

Little sister Sue catches Mama adding a box of Ex-Lax to her
special brown gravy to insure that everyone will "be regular"
afterwards. 

Cousin Jen shows up wearing her new mink stole that has a
blaze-orange circle-and-slash painted on the back of it, and
proudly displays her summons for her court date to answer for
beating the crap out of the animal rights activists who ruined
her new coat. 

Brother Bobby, who just flew in for Thanksgiving from some
unnamed South American country, keeps popping up like a
jack-in-the-box and fiddling with his "piece" in a low-profile
belt holster while nervously spying from the kitchen bay
window up and down the street with binoculars. 

Cousin Mikey shows up with his new bride, his three-quarters
sister Julie, who is his sister by his father and his oldest full
sister. 

Uncle Max coughs and sputters up in his rusty old pickup, and
asks those attending if anyone has a fresh pouch of "Redman"
chewing tobacco that he can shove down into the transmission to
keep it from leaking all the fluid out until he can make back
home. 

Aunt Carly shows up with Carole, who is her new "best friend" as
well as being her current parole officer and live-in lesbian
lover and Domme who is also an associate producer on The Jerry
Springer Show. 

Second-cousin Billy Joe brings as his guest his current analyst,
who's doing his doctoral thesis in primitive societal familial
subcultures. 

Uncle Peter, who's legally blind but can see some shapes and
colors and shadows, and who also got legally blind fucking stone
drunk before ever showing up with his wife Aunt Millie, keeps
"accidentally" nearly falling into all the women and copping
feels as he seeks to regain his balance. 

13-year-old cousin Timmy asks his Uncle Bobby if he can borrow
his thermal-melt scale device, so he can check the purity of an
eight-ball "rock" he just bought from your Dad. 

Uncle Ralph serves the turkey flambe' by pouring some his famous 
homemade 'shine all over it and igniting it with a flick from his
unfiltered Camel cigarette, creating a ball of flame that alights
what hair is left on Uncle Peter's head and gives third-degree
burns to his balding pate, filling the dining room with the
stench of roasting human as well as turkey flesh, as 911 is
called for the second time on this special Thanskgiving holiday.


Dear Friends, 

This perfectly delightful note is being sent on paper I made
myself to tell you what I have been up to.

Since it snowed last night, I got up early and made a sled with
old barn wood and a glue gun. I hand-painted it in gold leaf, got
out my loom, and made a blanket in peaches and mauves. Then to
make the sled complete, I made a white horse to pull it from DNA
that I just had sitting around in my craft room. 

By then, it was time to start making the placemats and napkins
for my 20 breakfast guests. I'm serving the old standard Stuart
twelve-course breakfast, but I'll let you in on a little secret:
I didn't have time to make the table and chairs this morning, so
I used the ones I had on hand.

Before I moved the table into dining room, I decided to add just
a touch of the holidays. So, I repainted the room in pinks and
stenciled gold stars on the ceiling. Then, while the homemade
bread was rising, I took antique candle molds and made the dishes
(exactly the same shade of pink) to use for breakfast. These were
made from Hungarian clay, which you can get in almost any
Hungarian craft store. 

Well, I must run. I need to finish the buttonholes on the dress
I'm wearing for breakfast. I'll get out the sled and drive this
note to the post office as soon as the glue dries on the envelope
I'll be making. 

Hope my breakfast guests don't stay too long -- I have 40,000
cranberries to string with bay leaves before my speaking
engagement at noon. It's a good thing. 

Love,

Martha Stewart 

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

THE HUNGER SITE AT THE U.N.

This is a great site. All you do is click a button and somewhere
in the world some hungry person gets a meal to eat at no cost to
you. The food is paid for by corporate sponsors. 100% of what
sponsors pay goes directly to the United Nations World Food
Program for food. All you do is go to the site and click. You're
only allowed one click per day so spread the word to others.
Visit the site and help make a difference. 

<http://www.thehungersite.com>
<a href="http://www.thehungersite.com">THE HUNGER SITE</a>

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Q: What's the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? 
A: Snowballs

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

There once was a girl from Arden 
who sucked off a man in the garden.
I said "My dear Flo
where does all that stuff go?"
And she (gulp), "I beg your pardon".

In the garden of Eden laid Adam
complacently stroking his madam.
So great was his mirth
for in all of the earth
there were only two balls and he had them.

An Argentine Gaucho named Bruno
said "Fucking is one thing I do know,
All Women are fine 
and sheep are devine,
but Llamas are Numero Uno".

There was a young girl from Wheeling,
whenever she'd get the feeling,
she'd lay on her back
and tickle her crack
and piss all over the ceiling.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

The Olympic officials plan to give EACH athlete competing in 
the 2000 Olympics 51 condoms. The Olympics last 17 days. 
Do the math. How can they even walk?

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Diet for Holiday Stress & Overeating

This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that
builds up during the Holidays and will help reduce overeating.

Breakfast:
1/2 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
8 oz. skim milk

Lunch:
4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast
l cup steamed spinach
1 cup herb tea
1 Oreo cookie

Mid-Afternoon snack:
The rest of Oreos in the package
2 pints Rocky Road ice cream nuts, cherries and whipped
cream
1 jar hot fudge sauce

Dinner:
2 loaves garlic bread
4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke
1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza
3 Snickers bars

Late Evening News:
Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from
freezer)


Rules for this Diet:

1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no
calories.

2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the
candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do
not eat more than they do.

4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot
chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look
thinner.

6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because
they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's
personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior
Mints, Red Hots and Tootsie Rolls.

7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking
causes calorie leakage.

8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you
are in the process of preparing something sweet and gooey.

9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of
calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream;
mushrooms and mashed potatoes; pink grapefruit and ham.

10. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any
other food color.

11. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This is
due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.

12. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories
since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will
cling to his/her plate.


A girl is standing at The Gates Of Heaven when she hears horrible
screams of pain and torture coming from inside.

She says to St. Peter, "What's going on?"

He says, "That's the sound of new angels getting big holes
drilled into their backs for their wings, and small holes drilled
into their heads for their halos."

She says, "Heaven sounds terrible. I think maybe I'd rather go to
Hell."

St. Peter says, "In Hell, you'll be constantly raped and
sodomized."

She says, "That's okay. I've already got holes for that."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


The day after Thanksgiving is Nationally observed as TURKEY DAY!
More people simultaneously fart turkey, eat turkey, & shit turkey
on this day more than any other day of the year.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual,
"And what would you like for Christmas ?"

The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute,
then gasped: "Didn't you get my E-mail ?"

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

A Catholic chauffeur was bragging to his friend how well the
Jewish family who employed him treated him.

"You wouldn't believe it," he said. "I get tips galore, and they
always buy me lunch or dinner when I drive. My salary is great,
with benefits! I get off all holidays, including the Jewish ones,
like Rosh Hashanah."

"That sounds pretty good," said the friend. "But what's Rosh
Hashanah?"

"Oh, that's when they blow the shofar."

"Wow!" said the amazed friend. "Those are SOME benefits!"


I Cannot Go To School Today!

"I cannot go to school today"
Said little Peggy Ann McKay.
"I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash and purple bumps.

My mouth is wet, my throat is dry.
I'm going blind in my right eye.
My tonsils are as big as rocks, 
I've counted sixteen chicken pox.

And there's one more-that's seventeen,
And don't you think my face looks green?
My leg is cut, my eyes are blue,
It might be the instamatic flu.

I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,
I'm sure that my left leg is broke.
My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button's caving in.

My back is wrenched, my ankle's sprained,
My 'pendix pains each time it rains.
My toes are cold, my toes are numb,
I have a sliver in my thumb.

My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,
I hardly whisper when I speak.
My tongue is filling up my mouth,
I think my hair is falling out.

My elbow's bent, my spine ain't straight,
My temperature is one-o-eight.
My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,
There's a hole inside my ear.

I have a hangnail, and my heart is...
What? What's that? What's that you say?
You say today is .......Saturday?
G'bye, I'm going out to play!"

~by Shel Silverstein in "Where the Sidewalk Ends"

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


THE TOP 13 REJECTED POKÉMON NAMES


13> Jigglybutt

12> Herpekachu

11> Bongbuzz

10> Rastamon

9> Chepejapaneztoi

8> Fartachu

7> Mommysbroke

6> Pustulette

5> Wakamole

4> Guntotingoth

3> Watchutawkinboutwillis

2> Tracilords


and Topfive.com's Number 1 Rejected Pokémon Name...


1> Liberachee


THE CREATION STORY AS TOLD BY A DOG

First God created the dog.

Next, God created man to serve the dog.

Then, God created all the animals of the earth to serve as
potential food for the dog.

Next, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the
good of the dog.

After that, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or
might not retrieve it.

Then, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and
the man broke.

And last, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog. 

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


Children have a keen sense of sound and when this attribute is
combined with their prolific imagination they arrive at some
weird combinations of words they think they have heard...

There was the little girl who returned after Sunday school and
told her mother of a cross-eyed hairy animal named Gladly. After
a lot of questioning mother was able finally to decipher: ...
"Gladly, my cross-eyed bear."

Reminds me of one I heard at my church a long time ago. A young
kid thought the words to a particular hymn went "Lead on, oh
Kinky Turtle" ("Lead on, oh King Eternal").

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


USEFUL PHRASES TO USE AT WORK

I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique
point of view.

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to
worship me.

The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an
artist.

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to
pronounce.

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely
coincidental.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

No, my powers can only be used for good.

How about never? Is never good for you?

I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

Who me? I just wander from room to room.

It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level
I'm really quite busy.

At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
public.

Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the
subject.


A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. 

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, 

"Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I 
was down to my last nickel. 

I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day 
polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the 
apple for ten cents. 

The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I 
spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm 
for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end 
of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37. 

Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars." 

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

What's the difference between a woman in church and a woman in 
the bathtub ?

A woman in church has hope in her soul...

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

The Father, passing thru the son's college town late one night 
on a business trip, thought he would pay a surprise visit to 
the boy.

Arriving at the fraternity house, he knocked on the door. After
several minutes of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a
second floor window. "Whaddya want?" 

"Does Jimmy Duncan live here?" asked the father.

"Yeah!" replied the voice. "Dump him on the front porch and we'll
take care of him in the morning."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Learn More Better English:

Abdicate--v., to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Balderdash--n., a rapidly receding hairline.

Bustard--n., a very rude Metrobus driver.

Carcinoma--n., a valley in California, notable for its heavy
smog.

Circumvent--n., the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

Coffee--n., a person who is coughed upon.

Esplanade--v., to attempt an explanation while drunk.

Flabbergasted--adj., appalled over how much weight you have
gained.

Flatulence--n., the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you
are run over by a steamroller.

Gargoyle--n., an olive-flavored mouthwash.

Internet--n., the web of interns in which Ken Starr has tried to
snare Bill Clinton.

Lymph--v., to walk with a lisp.

Macadam--n., the first man on Earth, according to the Scottish
bible.

Marionettes--n., residents of Washington, DC, who have been
jerked around by the mayor.

Negligent--adj., describes a condition in which you
absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

Oyster--n., a person who sprinkles his or her conversation with
Yiddish expressions.

Semantics--n., pranks conducted by young men studying for the
priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the
priest's prayer book together just before vespers.

Testicle--n., a humorous question on an exam.

Rectitude--n., the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a
proctologist immediately before s/he examines you.

Willy-nilly--adj., impotent.


A few minutes before the famous Shakespearean actor was to
perform Hamlet to a packed house in New York, he dropped dead.
The house manager solemnly came onstage and announced, "We are
sorry to bring you this news. Mr. Famous Actor has passed away in
his dressing room, and there will be no performance tonight."

>From the back of the rear balcony, a voice cries, "Give him
some chicken soup!"

Startled, the stage manager clears his voice and says, "I
apologize if in my grief, I have not made my solemn message
clear. Mr. Actor is deceased, dead, and there will be no
performance."

Again, from the top balcony, the voice: "Give him some chicken
soup!"

Having had about enough, the manager yells back, "Lady, the man
is dead. Giving him some chicken soup wouldn't help."

And the voice replies, "It couldn't hurt!"

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

A police car pulls up in front of Aunt Gertrude's house, and
Uncle Leo gets out. The polite policeman explained that this
elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn't
find his way home.

"Oh Leo", said Aunt Gertrude, "You've been going to that park for
over 30 years! How could you get lost?"

Leaning close to Aunt Gertrude, so that the policeman couldn't
hear, Uncle Leo whispered, "I wasn't lost. I was just too tired
to walk home."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

THE CATHOLIC DICTIONARY

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN: 1. Parish information, read only during the homily. 
2. Catholic air conditioning. 3. Your receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the
congregation to lip-sync.

HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves
higher than that of the congregation's range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more
quietly, since most of the people have already left.

INCENSE: Holy Smoke!

JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found
colleges with good basketball teams.

JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

KYRIE ELIEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can
recognize besides gyros and baklava.

MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

MANGER: 1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't
covered by an HMO. 2. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday
travel has always been rough.

PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.

PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass,
consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners
looking for seats.

RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass,
led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they
actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by
David Letterman.

USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating
capacity of a pew.


'Twas the night before Christmas, and boy was it neat.
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.

The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.

Momma in her teddy and I in the nude,
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.

When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner, and momma went dry.

Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.

The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.

With a fat little driver, half out of the sled,
A sock in his ear and a bra on his head.

Sure as I'm speaking, he was high as a kite,
Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.

Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.

They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.

And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.

I was donning my jockeys, to cover my ass,
When down the chimmney Santa came with a crash.

His suit was al smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and smelled like a whore.

"That was some brothel," he said with a smile,
"The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay awhile"

He walked to the kitchen for himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.

I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.

Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.

The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.

A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find,
And six pair of panties, the edible kind.

A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several more things I shouldn't even mention.

A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
And a dildo so long that it lay in a coil.

"This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit,
So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split."

He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug stuck under his sleeve.

He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.

In time he was seated, took reigns of his hitch,
Saying,"Take me home, Rudolf. This night's been a bitch!"

The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
"The best thing about pussy is you can't wear it out!!" 

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Why do farts smell?
...for the benefit of the deaf!

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Dick has been in the computer business for 25 years and is
finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres
of land in Tennessee as far from humanity as possible. He sees
the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. 
Otherwise it`s total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, he`s finishing
dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is
a big, bearded Hillbilly standing there. "Name's Billy Bob... 
Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... having a party
Saturday... thought you`d like to come." 

"Great," says Dick, "after six months of this I`m ready to meet
some local folks. Thank you." 

As Billy Bob is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there`s gonna
be some drinkin." 

"Not a problem... after 25 years in the computer business, I can
drink with the best of `em."

Again, as he starts to leave Billy Bob stops. "More`n`likely
gonna be some fightin` too."

Darn, Dick thinks. Tough crowd. "Well, I get along with people.
I`ll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Billy Bob turns from the door. "I`ve seen some wild
sex at these parties, too."

"Now that`s not a problem" says Dick, "Remember I`ve been alone
for six months! I`ll definitely be there... by the way, what
should I wear?"

Billy Bob stops at the door again and says, "Whatever you want,
just gonna be the two of us..."


An AOL Night Before Christmas

Twas a month before Christmas
>From my wife came the wail,
"Take out the garbage
And go get the mail."

So I trudged to my mailbox
And what did I see?
Why, a miniature disc
And computer CD!

'Twas a limited offer
>From America Online,
I knew in a twinkling
That this deal was fine!

"Unlimited" access
for one little fee,
And if I didn't like it
I could cancel it free.

So I plugged the thing in
And it just wouldn't load,
The message said "Error!"
And something in code.

And this is when I
Started getting real nervous
So I waited four hours
For "Customer Service."

This techno-geek helped me
To load and install it,
Then demanded the VISA
I keep in my wallet.

So I gave him my number
And what did I spy?
"Terms and Conditions" screens
Whistling by.

Then I got me a password
Now I'd surf the Net!
But I never hit waves,
Man, I never got wet.

I soon got so mad
I was shaking and dizzy
For my modem kept trying
But lines were all busy!

And all through the month
I kept trying this thing
But all I would hear
Was the "busy" sound ring.

So I called 1-800
And the AOL number
And waited on hold
'Til I lapsed into slumber.

So I tried then to cancel
But where's the address?
Somewhere in Virginia?
It's anyone's guess.

And several days later
I heard on the news
That 8 million people
Were trying to use

This AOL network
At the very same time
And that's when this CEO
Weasel-necked Slime

Announced the solution
On how to log on,
Don't hog the phone lines
And call in at dawn!

As you can imagine
This didn't sit well
With lots of mad users
Who started to yell.

And soon the AG's
Joined them in the attack,
"Give them their money
(Or at least part of it back)!"

And this Weasle-Man leader
Tried to calm down the throng:
"Hey, I wanted those refunds
For you all along!"

So in grandiose fashion
And a big press release
Members were told
How to get back their piece.

"Just call up this number
And ask for your money,"
But then something happened
That's practically funny.

When you call up the number
(Don't get in a tizzy)
You can't get your refund
Cause the damn number's busy!

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


What do the female reindeer do on Christmas Eve while the males
are pulling Santa's sleigh?

They go into town and blow a few bucks.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS

'Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the house

Not a creature was stirring,
except me and my spouce.

The stockings I hung
with a hope and a prayer
Using Scotch tape and pins,
not a tack anywhere.

And Momma in her robe
with the fuzzy, pink nap
Had retired to our bedroom
with presents to wrap.

When what with my wondering ears
do I hear,
But, "I need more Scotch tape.
Will you bring me some, dear?"

Away to the stockings
I flew like a flash.
I had used all the tape,
Yes, I know it was rash.

In the bedroom, I found
that my wife had made do.
Resourceful as usual,
with model plane glue.

One look in her eyes
and I knew I was right.
After wrapping six gifts,
she was high as a kite.

I finished the wrapping
with liberated tape.
The stockings I'd cleverly
pinned to the drape.

I had just gone to sleep
when alarmed by a clatter,
I sprang from my bed
to see what was the matter.

The drapery had fallen,
and I knew who to blame.
Then a small voice behind me
Squealed, "Santa Claus came!"

-- L.Gruber


A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking
for a unique gift for his wife. The store manager tells him he
has just what he's looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet
that sings Christmas carols.

He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man
agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be
much for singing.

The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and
pulls out a lighter.

The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's
left foot. Immediately Chet starts singing; "Silent Night, Holy
Night."

The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and 
watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right
foot. Chet now starts to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way." 
The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him.

The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her
this wonderful gift immediately.

He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot's special
talent. Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot
and the bird sings "Silent Night." He then moves the lighter
under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of "Jingle
Bells."

The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin
asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between
Chet's legs instead. 

Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird's legs,
and the bird begins to sing--

"Chet's Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!" 

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker face each other.

With light sabers drawn about to commence an almighty 
battle of good over evil.

Suddenly, in the middle of fight Vader pulls Skywalker to 
him and whispers:

"I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GETTING FOR CHRISTMAS, 
LUKE. IT'S TRUE, LUKE, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE 
GETTING FOR CHRISTMAS!"

Skywalker tried to ignore this but couldn't in the end. 
He wrenched himself free and yells

"How can you know this!?!"

Vader replied "I FELT YOUR PRESENTS..."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married, 

Merry Christmas to you, and please don't worry. I'm just fine
considering I can't breathe or eat. The important thing is that
you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing
mother. I've sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I
hope you'll spend on my grandchildren. God knows their mother
never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their
pictures, poor babies. 

Thank you so much for the Christmas flowers, dear boy. I put them
in the freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds
me -- we buried Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but
I got to yearning for a good funeral so Aunt Viola and I dug her
up and had the services all over again. I would have invited you,
but I know that woman you live with would have never let you
come. I bet she's never even watched that videotape of my
hemorrhoid surgery, has she? 

Well son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now. I lost my
cane beating off muggers last week, but don't you worry about me.
I'm also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off
and am grateful because the frost on my bed numbs the constant
pain. Now don't you even think about sending any more money,
because I know you need it for those expensive family
vacations you take every year. Give my love to my darling
grandbabies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is -- the one
with the black roots who stole you screaming from my bosom. 

Merry Christmas. 

Love, Mom 


A Teacher's Week Before Christmas 
Written by: Joyce Luke

'Twas the week before Christmas and all through the school Not a
pupil was silent, no matter what rule. The children were busy
with paper and paste; The mess that they made with it couldn't be
faced.

The teacher half frantic and almost in tears, Had just settled
down to work with her dears, When out in the hall there arose
such a clatter up sprang the kids to see what was the matter!

Away to the door they all flew like a flash; The one who was
leading went down with a crash. Then what to their wondering eyes
did appear But a green Christmas tree! (To decorate I fear!)

When the teacher saw this, she almost grew sick. She knew in a
moment it must be Old Nick! She ran to the door (all her efforts
were vain) But she shouted, and stamped, and she called them by
name;

"Now Tommy! Now Sandy, Now Judy and Harry! Stop Billy! Stop
Robert! Stop Donny and Sherry! Now get to your places get away
from the hall Now get away! Get away! Get away all!

As leaves that before the wild hurricane fly The pupils, pell
mell, started scurrying by. They ran to the blackboard and
skipped down the aisle; Their faces were shining and each had a
smile.

First came a basket of popcorn to string -Then came the Christmas
tree (menacing thing). As the tree was brought in there arose a
great shout; The pupils were merrily romping about.

The state they were in could lead to a riot; The teacher was
sure, if allowed, they would try it. Her nerves how they jangled!
Her temples were throbbing! The rush of her breath sounded almost
like sobbing!

The lines of her face were as fixed as a mask; It was plain that
she didn't feel up to her task. The look in her eye would have
tamed a wild steer, But the children ignored it; they did every
year.

A tear from her eye and a shake of her head Soon led me to think
that she wished she were dead. She spoke not a word but went
straight to her work, Strung all the popcorn which broke with a
jerk.

But at last it was finished and placed on the tree; Then came the
bell and the children were free. Their shrill little voices soon
faded away and peace was restored at the end of the day. As she
looked at the Christmas tree glistening and tall, She smiled as
she whispered, Merry Christmas to all! 

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

What's a similarity between a priest and a Christmas tree?
The balls are just for decoration.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Top 10 Santa Pick-Up Lines

10. Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?
9. Wanna see my 12-inch elf?
8. I`ve got something special in the sack for you!
7. Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?
6. I know when you`ve been bad or good--so let`s skip the small
talk, sister!
5. Some of my best toys run on batteries... <wink wink>
4. Interested in seeing the "North Pole"? (Well, that`s what the
Mrs. calls it ...)
3. I see you when you`re sleeping--and you don`t wear any 
underwear, do you?
2. Screw the "nice" list--I`ve got you on my "naughty" list!
1. Wanna join the "Mile High" club?

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one
night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's
raining", he said to his wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied.

"No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said".

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major
argument about whether it was raining or snowing when they saw a
communist party official walking toward them.

"Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade
Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing".

As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade
Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"

"It's raining, of course", he replied, and walked on.

But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!"

To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain,
dear."


MAW AND PAW

Dear Sun 
Your paw has a new job, the first one in 48 years. We are a
little better of now and making so much money we don't know what
to do with it. Paw gits $17.50 a weak, so we thought we oughter
do some fixin up. We sent to Monkey Wards for one of them new
bathrooms we been hearin about. It took a plumber to put it in
shape. One side of the room has a big box, somthin like a pig
trough, only you get in and wash all over. On the other side is a
little thing call a sink, but yonder in the corner we realy have
somethin. You put one foot in and wash it good, pull the chain
and get fresh water for the other foot. Two lids came with the
thing that we aint got any use for in the bathroom, so I's using
one for a bread board and the other one had a hole in it, so I's
using it for a frame for your grandpappy's pictur. That companys
awful nice to do busines with. They sent us a roll of writing
paper with the outfit, paw and me don't write much so I'm using
it to wrap paw's lunch in. Take care of yourself 
Maw and Paw. 

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

There were three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while 
they were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold
it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could 
agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they 
decided to determine who indeed had the coldest igloo.

They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said "Watch 
this!" and poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water 
froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor solid. "Not bad", said
the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder 
still. 

So they went to the second Eskimo's igloo, and he said "Watch
this!" and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath
froze into a big lump and fell to the floor. "Wow, that's colder
than mine!" said the first Eskimo. 

But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still. So they 
ended up at the third Eskimo's igloo. He said "Watch this!" 
and went into the bedroom, threw back the thick furs, and 
retrieved one of several small balls of ice there. He took it, 
put it in a spoon, and held a match under it. 

When it heated up enough, it went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT".

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

To the Tune of "Deck The Halls" ...

See that drag queen his name's Molly.
Fa La La La La La La La La
For 50 bucks he'll make you jolly.
Fa La La La La La La La La
See him in his gay apparel.
Fa La La La La La La La La
You should meet his brother Carol.
Fa La La La La La La La La

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

CHRISTMAS TREE CONTROVERSY

CONTROVERSY: Should the tree be real or fake?
YUPPIE: Live tree, planted after use
MALE: Fake tree, discarded after use
FEMALE: Grow tree in house, adorned with fruits
REALITY: Fake tree stays up until May, adorned with furballs

CONTROVERSY: Should tree lights twinkle or stay constant?
YUPPIE: Each bulb blinks to its own random rhythm
MALE: Bulbs flash logo of football team
FEMALE: Elegant flickering candles
REALITY: Tree bursts into flames, burns house down

CONTROVERSY: Should tree be topped with an angel or a star?
YUPPIE: Gender-neutral angel; no submissive female stereotype
MALE: Blonde angel, kneeling, in a wet T-shirt
FEMALE: Authentic angel explains true meaning of Christmas
REALITY: Hell's Angel steals the tree and the gifts

CONTROVERSY: Do ya fling or hang tinsel?
YUPPIE: Empower each strand w/self-determining skills
MALE: Six large clumps of tinsel on front of tree
FEMALE: Each icicle hangs like strand of spaghetti
REALITY: More icicles on floor than on tree

CONTROVERSY: Do ya open gifts on Christmas Eve or Morning
YUPPIE: Gifts opened on posted, individual schedules
MALE: Anytime, just so it doesn't interfere with football
FEMALE: Anytime the entire family is present
REALITY: Doesn't matter, everyone's peeked anyway


TOP 40 from the juke box in the local Indian Restaurant
> > >
> > > 40 KEEMA ON MOVIN' SOUL TO SOUL
> > > 39 GHEE'S NOT THERE THE ZOMBIES
> > > 38 MASALA BOUND SPANDAU BALLET
> > > 37 PAPERBACK RAITA THE BEATLES
> > >>> > 36 SAG ALOO WAVE GOODBYE SOFT CELL
> > >>> > 35 POPPADUM PREACH MADONNA
> > >>> > 34 KORMA CHAMELEON CULTURE CLUB
> > >>> > 33 BHAJI TROUSERS MADNESS
> > >>> > 32 DHANSAK QUEEN ABBA
> > >>> > 31 KING PRAWN MASALA DRINKS ARE FREE WHAM
> > >>> > 30 KORMA PEOPLE PULP
> > >>> > 29 TIKKA CHANCE ON ME ABBA
> > >>> > 28 WHEN I PHALL IN LOVE NAT KING COLE
> > >>> > 27 YOU CAN'T CURRY LOVE DIANA ROSS
> > >>> > 26 KORMA POLICE RADIOHEAD
> > >>> > 25 THINKS CAN ONLY GET BHUNA D:REAM
> > >>> > 24 TEARS ON MY PILAU KYLIE MINOGUE
> > >>> > 23 (IT'S BHUNA) HARD DAY'S NIGHT THE BEATLES
> > >>> > 22 BROTHERS IN NAANS DIRE STRAITS
> > >>> > 21 GIRLFRIEND IN A KORMA THE SMITHS
> > >>> > 20 PILAU TALK DORIS DAY
> > >>> > 19 IT'S CHAPATI AND I'LL CRY IF I WANT TO LESLEY GORE
> > >>> > 18 BHAJI GIRL AQUA
> > >>> > 17 SAG ALOO BLACK GRAPE
> > >>> > 16 TAKE THAT CHAPATI TAKE THAT
> > >>> > 15 BHUNA ROUND THE WORLD LISA STANSFIELD
> > >>> > 14 I DON'T WANT TO DHANSAK EDDIE GRANT
> > >>> > 13 DHANSAK ON THE CEILING LIONEL RICHIE
> > >>> > 12 WE ARE JALFREZI SISTER SLEDGE
> > >>> > 11 VINDALOO ABBA
> > >>> > 10 I DON'T WANT TO GO TO CHUTNEY ELVIS COSTELLO
> > >>> > 9 RICE RICE BABY VANILLA ICE
> > >>> > 8 JALFREZI JALFREZI NIGHTS KISS
> > >>> > 7 TANDOOR DELIVER ADAM AND THE ANTS
> > >>> > 6 LOVE ME TANDOOR ELVIS PRESLEY
> > >>> > 5 WE DON'T HAVE TO TIKKA CLOTHES OFF JERMAINE STEWART
> > >>> > 4 BYE BYE BALTI BAY CITY ROLLERS
> > >>> > 3 BHUNA TO BE WILD STEPPENWOLF
> > >>> > 2 LIVIN' DAHL CLIFF RICHARD
> > >>> > 1 RAITA HERE, RAITA NOW FATBOY SLIM

Finally! - a Blonde GUY Joke! 
> > >>A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises
> > >>coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked
> > >>on the bed, sweating and panting. 
> > >> 
> > >>"What's up?" he says. 
> > >> 
> > >>"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. 
> > >> 
> > >>He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing,
> > >>his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's 
> > hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" 
> > The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom,
> > past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure
> > enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet
> > floor. 
> > 
> > "You rotten bastard", says the husband, "my wife's having a
> > heart>attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!" 
> > >> 
> > >>====================================== 
> > >>Men 
> > >> 
> > >>Men-tal Anxiety. . . Men-opause. . . Men-tal Breakdown. 
> > >>Ever noticed that all our problems start with MEN? 
> > >> 
> > >>Q: What's the best way to kill a man? 
> > >>A: Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell
> > >>him to 
> > pick 
> > >>only one. 
> > >> 
> > >>Q: What do men and pantyhose have in common? 
> > >>A: They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch! 
> > >> 
> > >>Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? 
> > >>A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe. 
> > >> 
> > >>Q: What is the difference between men and women:.... 
> > >>A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need... A man wants 
> > every 
> > >>woman to satisfy his one need. 
> > >> 
> > >>Q: How does a man keep his youth? 
> > >>A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds. 
> > >> 
> > >>Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? 
> > >>A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals" 

Men, take note. 
> 
> BLOWJOB ETIQUETTE: Written by a woman
> 
> 1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
> 2. Extension to rule #1 - so if you get one, be grateful
> 3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw;
> it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face
> 4. Extension to rule #3 - NO, I DON'T have to swallow
> 5. My ears are not handles
> 6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of myhead. Do you 
> really WANT puke on your dick?
> 7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get; it is NEVER OK to fart
> 8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" get it 
> through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel
obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.
> 9. Extension to rule #8 -"Blue Balls" might have worked on high school
> girls - if you're that desperate, go jerk off
> and leave me alone with my Midol.
> 10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my
> teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.
> 11. Leaving me in bed while you play video games immediately afterwards 
> is highly unadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the
future.
> 12. If you like how we do it, it is probably best not to speculate 
> about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that
we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.
> 13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the
> protein content
> 14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV
> 15. When you hear your friend complain about how they don't get 
> blowjobs
> often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either
> sympathize or brag.
> 16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not
> mean I have to "kiss it good morning"

Below is an advertisement that appeared in the 'Canberra Times'
> 
> WANTED
> 
> A tall well-built woman with good
> reputation, who can cook frogs
> legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
> schia garden, classic music and tal-
> king without getting too serious.
> But please only read lines 1,3 and 5.

Exams for Northerners and Southerners




MATHS TEST FOR SECONDARY SCHOOLS IN THE NORTH:



NAME _________________________

NICK-NAME ____________________

GANG NAME ____________________


1. Deco has 0.5 kilos of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Vinno for 300
quid and 90 grams to Tomo for 90 quid a gram, what is the street value of
the rest of his hold?

2. Anto pimps 3 brassers. If the price is 40 quid a royde, how many roydes
per day must each brasser perform to support Vinno's 500 quid a day crack
habit?

3. Whacker wants to cut the kilo of cocaine he bought for 7000 quid, to make
a 20% profit. How many grams of strychnine will he need?

4. Christy got 6 years for murder. He also got 350,000 for the hit. If his
common law wife spends 33,100 per month, how much money will be
left when he gets out?

5. Extra Credit Bonus: How much more time will Christy get for killing the
slapper that spent his money?

6. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square meters and the
average letter is 1 square meter, how many letters can be sprayed with
eight fluid ounce cans of spray paint with 20% extra paint free?

7. Liamo steals Eamo's skateboard. As Liamo skates away at a speed of
35mph,Eamo loads his brother's armalite. If it takes Eamo 20 seconds to
load the gun, how far will Liamo have travelled when he gets whacked?










MATHS TEST FOR SECONDARY SCHOOLS IN THE SOUTH:



NAME ___________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________

___________________
(if longer, please continue on separate sheet)

SCHOOL____________________

DADDY'S COMPANY___________


1. Julian smashes up the old man's car, causing x amount of damage and
killing three people. The old man asks his local TD to intervene in the
court system, then forges his insurance claim and receives a payment of y.
The difference between x and y is three times the life insurance
settlementfor the three dead people. What kind of car is Julian driving now?

2. Chloe's personal shopper decides to substitute generic and own-brand
products for the designer goods favoured by her employer. In the course of a
month she saves the price of a return ticket to Fiji, and Chloe doesn't even
notice the difference. Is she thick or what?

3. Roly fancies the arse off a certain number of tarts, but he only has
enough Rohypnol left to render 33.3% unconscious. If he has 14 Rohypnol, how
is he ever going to shag the other two-thirds?

4. If Savannah throws up four times a day for a week she can fit a size
8 Versace. If she only throws up three times a day for two weeks, she has
to make do with a size 10 Dolce et Gabbana. How much does liposuction cost?

5. Alexander is unsure about his sexuality. Three days a week he
fancies women. On the other days he fancies men, ducks and vacuum
cleaners.
However he only has access to the Hoover every third week. When does
his Sunday Independent column start?

Traffic Light Cosmetics
>>
>> The longest spell spent oblivious to traffic lights whilst applying
makeup
>> was
>> one of 1 hr 51 mins 8 secs by Ms. Janet Dodson (GB) at a road junction in
>> the
>> centre of Preston on 1st August 1975. Ms. Dodson, a piano teacher,
>> beautified
>> herself through 212 cycles of the lights, creating a tailback of irate
>> motorists
>> stretching almost 28 miles towards Leeds.
>>
>> Car Parking
>> The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a woman was one
>> of
>> 19.36m (63ft 2ins), equivalent to three standard parking spaces, by Mrs.
>> Elizabeth Simpkins, driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova 'Swing' on 12th
>> October
>> 1993. She started the manoeuvre at 11.15am in Ropergate, Pontefract, and
>> successfully parked within three feet of the pavement 8 hours 14 minutes
>> later.There was slight damage to the bumpers and wings of her own and two
>> adjoining cars, as well as a shop frontage and two lamp posts.
>>
>> Incorrect Driving
>> The longest journey completed with the handbrake on was one of 504 km
(313
>> miles) from Stranraer to Holyhead by Dr. Julie Thorn (GB) at the wheel of
>> a
>> Saab
>> 900 on the 2nd April 1987. Dr. Thorn smelled burning two miles into her
>> journey
>> at Aird but pressed on to Holyhead with smoke billowing from the rear
>> wheels.
>> This journey also holds the records for the longest completed journey
with
>> the
>> choke fully out and the right indicator flashing.
>>
>> Shop Dithering
>> The longest time spent dithering in a shop was 12 days between 21st
August
>> and
>> 2nd September 1995 by Mrs. Sandra Wilks (GB) in the Birmingham branch of
>> Dorothy
>> Perkins. Entering the shop on a Saturday morning, Mrs. Wilks could not
>> choose
>> between two near identical dresses which were both in the sale. After one
>> hour,
>> her husband, sitting on a chair by the
>> changing room with his head in his hands, told her to buy both. Mrs.
>> Wilks
>> eventually bought one for 12.99, only to return the next day and exchange
>> it
>> for
>> the other one. To date, she has yet to wear it. Mrs. Wilks also holds
the
>> record for window shopping longevity, when, starting September 12th 1995,
>> she
>> stood motionless gazing at a pair of shoes in Clinkard's window in
>> Kidderminster
>> for 3 weeks two days before eventually going home.
>>
>> Jumble Sale Massacre
>> The greatest number of old ladies to perish whilst fighting at a jumble
>> sale
>> is
>> 98, at a Methodist Church Hall in Castleford, West Yorkshire
>> on February 12th 1991. When the doors opened at 10.00am, the initial
>> scramble
>> to get in cost 16 lives, a further 25 being killed in a crush at the
first
>> table. A seven-way skirmish then broke out over a pinafore dress costing
>> 10p
>> which
>> > > > > > escalated into a full scale melee resulting in another 18 lives
>> being
>> lost. A pitched battle over a headscarf then ensued and quickly spread
>> throughout the hall, claiming 39 old women. The jumble sale raised 5.28
>> for
>> local boy scouts.
>>
>> Talking about Nothing
>> Mrs. Mary Caterham (GB) and Mrs. Marjorie Steele (GB) sat in a kitchen
in
>> Blackburn, Lancs. and talked about nothing whatsoever for four and a half
>> months
>> from 1st May to 7th August 1978, pausing only for coffee, cakes and
toilet
>> visits. Throughout the whole time, no information was exchanged and
>> neither
>> woman gained any new knowledge whatsoever. The outdoor record for talking
>> about
>> nothing is held by Mrs. Vera Etherington (GB) and her neighbour Mrs.
Dolly
>> Booth
>> (GB) of Ipswich, who between 11th November 1983 and 12th January 1984
>> chuntered
>> on over their fence in an unelightening dialogue lasting almost 62 days
>> until
>> Mrs.Booth remembered she'd left the bath running.
>>
>> Gossiping
>> On February 18th 1992, Joyce Blatherwick, a close friend of Agnes Banbury
>> popped
>> round for a cup of tea and a chat, during the course of which she told
>> Mrs.
>> Banbury, in the strictest confidence, that she was having an affair with
>> the
>> butcher. After Mrs. Blatherwick left at 2.10pm, Mrs. Banbury immediately
>> began
>> to tell everyone, swearing them all to secrecy. By 2.30pm, she had told
>> 128
>> people of the news. By 2.50pm it had risen to 372 and by 4.00pm that
>> afternoon,
>> 2774 knew of the affair, including the local Amateur Dramatic Society,
>> several
>> knitting circles, a coachload of American tourists which she flagged down
>> and
>> the butchers wife. When a tired Mrs. Banbury went to bed at 11.55pm that
>> night,
>> Mrs. Blatherwick's affair was common knowledge to a staggering 75,338
>> people,
>> enough to fill Wembley Stadium.
>>
>>
>> Group Toilet Visit
>> The record for the largest group of women to visit a toilet
simultaneously
>> is
>> held by 147 workers at the Department of Social Security, Longbenton. At
>> their
>> annual Christmas celebration at a night club in Newcastle-Upon-Tyne on
>> October
>> 12th 1994, Mrs. Beryl Crabtree got up to go to the toilet and was
>> immediately
>> followed by 146 other members of the party. Moving as a mass, the group
>> entered
>> the toilet at 9.52pm and, after waiting for everyone to finish, emerged 2
>> hrs 37
>> mins later.
>>
>> Film Confusion
>> The greatest length of time a woman has watched a film with her husband
>> without
>> asking a stupid plot-related question was achieved on the 28th October
>> 1990,
>> when Mrs. Ethel Brunswick sat down with her husband to watch 'The Ipcress
>> File'.
>> She watched in silence for a breath-taking 2 mins 40 secs before asking
>> "Is
>> he a
>> goodie or a baddie, then, him in the glasses?", revealing a staggering
>> level
>> of
>> ignorance. This broke her own record set in 1962 when she sat through 2
>> mins 38
>> secs of '633 Squadron' before asking "Is this a war film, is it?".
>>
>> Single Breath Sentence
>> An Oxfordshire woman today became the first ever to break the thirty
>> minute
>> barrier for talking without drawing breath. Mrs. Mavis Sommers, 48, of
>> Cowley,
>> smashed the previous record of 23 minutes when she excitedly reported an
>> argument she'd had in the butchers to her neighbour. She ranted on for a
>> staggering 32 minutes and 12 seconds without pausing for air, before
going
>> blue
>> and collapsing in a heap on the ground. She was taken to Radcliffe
>> Infirmary
>> in
>> a wheelbarrow but was released later after check-ups. At the peak of her
>> mammoth
>> motormouth marathon, she achieved an unbelievable 680 words per minute,
>> repeating the main points of the story an amazing 114 times whilst her
>> neighbour, Mrs. Dolly Knowles, nodded and tutted. The last third of the
>> sentence was delivered in a barely audible croak, the last two minutes
>> being
>> mouthed only, accompanied by vigorous jesticulations and indignant
spasms.

HoW To KeEp A HeaLthY LeVel Of iNsAniTy aNd DRiVe OtHeR PeOple iNsAnE 
1) At lunchtime, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing
cars to see if they slow down.
2) Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
3) Insist that your email address be:
'xena-goddess-of-fire@companyname.com' <mailto:'xena-goddess-of-fire@companyname.com'>
<<mailto:'xena-goddess-of-fire@companyname.com'>> or
'Elvis-the-king@companyname.com' <mailto:'Elvis-the-king@companyname.com'> <<mailto:'Elvis-the-king@companyname.com'>>
4) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with
that.
5) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronised chair
dancing.
6) Put your waste bin on your desk and label it 'IN.' (This is a 'must do')
7) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
8) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over
their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
9) Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
10) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."
11) Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up
the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way. 12)
Dont use any punctuation 13) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
14) Ask people what sex they are.
15) Specify that your drive through order is "to go."
16) Sing along at the opera.
17) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
18) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear
them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your
boss is the opposite gender.)
19) Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing.
For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
20) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
21) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party
'cause you're not in the mood.

HAIR?
> > > There were two gay guy living together. One was more feminine and the
> > > other
> > > more masculine. The masculine one lacked chest hair and it seemed to
> > > become
> > > a real problem for him. So, one day he decided to visit the doctor to
> >see
> > > why he had no chest hair and if there was something he could do about.
> > > Well,
> > > the doctor said there was nothing wrong with the guy, and really the
> >only
> > > thing he could try to stimulate hair growth was to smother Vaseline
all
> > > over
> > > his chest daily and perhaps the skin would become stimulated enough to
> > > produce hair.
> > > The masculine homosexual was elated. He went immediately home and
> > > smothered
> > > his chest in V-gel. When his partner came home and jumped into bed
with
> > > him,
> > > he felt the Vaseline and asked, "What in the hell are you doing?"
> > > The masculine one explained what the doctor said and waited for
comment
> > > from
> > > his partner.
> > > Finally, his partner said, "Don't you think if that was true that you
> > > would
> > > have a "pony tail" coming out of your ass by now?"
> >
> >
> >
> > > A priest was taking a shortcut through an alley one day and came upon
a
> > > young boy who was masturbating. "My son, you shouldn't be doing
> >that",said
> > > the priest. "You should be saving that for when you get married."
> > > The embarrassed boy hung his head down low and simply said "Yes,
> >Father."
> > > About 10 years later the priest was in his study when a young man, in
> >his
> > > early twenties came in.
> > > "Yes, my son?" said the priest.
> > > "Father, you may not remember me, but about 10 years ago you caught me
> > > masturbating in an alley, and I'll never forget the advice you gave
> >then."
> > >
> > > "And what was that, my son?"
> > > "Well, you told me that what I was doing was wrong and I should be
> >saving
> > > it
> > > for when I get married", said the young man.
> > > "That sounds like something I probably would have said" said the
priest.
> > > "Did you take my advice?"
> > > "Yes I did, Father; but there's only one problem."
> > > "What's that, my son?"
> > > "Well, I have three 55 gallon drums full of the stuff in the back of
my
> > > pickup truck. Now that I am getting married what am I supposed to do
> >with
> > > it?"
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > A substitute teacher walks into the classroom on the blackboard she
sees
> >a
> > > message. It says, "Jimmy Poole, has got the biggest tool, in the whole
> > > damn
> > > school!"
> > > She yells, "Whose Jimmy Poole?"
> > > This kid in the back stands up and says, "I'm Jimmy Poole."
> > > "Well, Jimmy, your staying after school!"
> > > The very next day when the substitute teacher walks in, she looks up
at
> > > the
> > > blackboard and, written on it, it says, "IT PAYS to ADVERTISE."
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > BUMPER STICKERS
> > > Save the trees ... Wipe your ass with a spotted owl.
> >
> > > Necrophilia: That uncontrollable urge to crack open a cold one.
> >
> > > Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window
> >
> > > If you can read this, please flip me back over... (seen upside down,
on
> >a
> > > Jeep)
> >
> > > Please tell your pants it's not polite to point.
> >
> > > Stop lights timed for 35mph are also timed for 70mph.
> >
> > > GUYS: No shirt, no service. GALS: No shirt, no charge.
> >
> > > Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"
> >
> > > I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
> >
> > > Heart Attacks...God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
> >
> > > Cat: The other white meat
> >
> > > Don't be sexist - broads hate that!
> >
> > > He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged
> >
> > > If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now
> >
> > > WARNING! Driver only carries ?20.00 in ammunition
> >
> > > Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
> > >
> > >
> >
> > >
> > >
> > > THE ELEVATOR
> > > Three women, A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde, all come home from
> >work
> > > at
> > > the same time and get on the elevator.
> > > The brunette notices a blob on the elevator wall and says: "OOOOOhhh
> >that
> > > looks like semen." She reaches out and touches the blob with her
fingers
> > > and
> > > says "It feels like semen."
> > > The redhead reaches out and touches it with her fingers, smells it,
and
> > > says
> > > "It smells like semen."
> > > Judi, the blonde, reaches out and touches it with her fingers and
then
> > > puts
> > > her fingers in her mouth and tastes it and says, "It doesn't taste
like
> > > anyone in this building . . ."
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > BUILDING EVE.
> > > One day, the Lord decided to make a companion for Adam. He summoned
St.
> > > Peter and told him of his decision. He told St. Peter that he wanted
to
> > > make a being who was similar to man, yet was different, and could
offer
> > > him
> > > comfort, companionship and pleasure. The Lord said he would call this
> > > being
> > > a woman.
> > > So St. Peter went about creating this being which was similar to man
yet
> > > was
> > > different in ways that would be appealing and could provide physical
> > > pleasure to man. When St. Peter had finished creating this being who
> > > could
> > > now be called woman he summoned The Lord.
> > >
> > > "Ah, St. Peter, once again you have done an excellent job," said The
> >Lord.
> > >
> > > "Thank You, Great One," replied St. Peter. "I am now ready to provide
> >the
> > > brain, nerve endings and senses to the being, this .. woman. I require
> > > your
> > > assistance on this matter, Lord."
> > > "You shall make her brain, slightly smaller, yet more intuitive, more
> > > feeling, more compassionate, and more adaptable than man's," said The
> > > Lord.
> > > "The nerve endings," said St. Peter. "How many will I put in her
hands?"
> > > "How many did we put in Adam? asked The Lord.
> > > "Two hundred, my Lord," replied St. Peter.
> > > "Then we shall do the same for this woman," said The Lord.
> > > "And how many nerve endings shall we put in her feet?" inquired St.
> > > Peter.
> > > "How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord.
> > > "Seventy five, my Lord," replied St. Peter.
> > > "Ah yes, these beings are constantly on their feet, so they benefit
from
> > > having less nerve endings there. Do the same for woman," said the
Lord.
> > > "How many nerve endings should we put in woman's genitals?" inquired
St.
> > > Peter.
> > > "How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord.
> > > "Four hundred and twenty, my Lord," replied St. Peter. "Of course, we
> >did
> > > want Adam to have a means of receiving extra pleasure in his life,
> >didn't
> > > we? Do the same for woman," said The Lord. "Yes, my Lord," said St.
> > > Peter.
> > > "No, wait," said The Lord. "Screw it, give her ten thousand! I want
her
> > > to
> > > scream my name!"
> > > Well....... now you know!
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > THE CAT
> > > Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class,and the teacher says that
an
> > > interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other
> > > animal in the world does this.
> > > Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.
> > > "Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.
> > > "Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the veranda.
> >The
> > > neighbours' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went
> > > "ffffffffff!
> > > ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "FUCK OFF!", the
> >dog
> > > ate him!"
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > 3 MEN
> > > Three men were using the urinals in a public restroom in DC. The
first
> > > man
> > > finished relieving himself, zipped up, strolled to the sinks and
> >proceeded
> > > to wash his hands, using plenty of soap and water and doing a
splendidly
> > > thorough job. As he was drying his hands (with lots of paper towels),
> >he
> > > loftily announced to no one in particular, "At Harvard, I learned to
be
> > > clean and sanitary." The man then left the bathroom in a cloud of
> > > self-satisfaction.
> > > The second gent zipped up, marched briskly to the sinks, and scrubbed
> >his
> > > hands with much less soap and water than the first man, doing a
> >splendidly
> > > thorough job nonetheless. As he was drying his hands (with only one
> >paper
> > > towel), he severely announced to no one in particular, "At Yale, I
> >learned
> > > to be clean and sanitary, but I ALSO learned to be thrifty and
> > > environmentally conscious." He then strode from the bathroom with a
> > > purposeful air.
> > > The third man finished relieving himself, zipped up, and ambled past
the
> > > sinks to the door, muttering to himself, "At Texas A&M University, I
> > > learned
> > > not to piss on my hands."
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > Some Thing's You Can't Explain
> > > One day this man was in a bar and had had a few. The Bartender
noticed
> > > that
> > > he had a long look on his face. And every time he would order a drink
> >he
> > > said,"There's some thing you jest caint explain."
> > > The bartender just had to ask so he inquired about the man's troubles.
> >The
> > > man started on his story.
> > > "I was out one day milking my cows. I brought OLE Bessy into the
> >milking
> > > barn and started in on her. When I got about three-fourths a bucket
she
> > > took her right leg and kicked over the bucket. So I took a rope and
> >tied
> > > that leg up. I started in on her and when I got about half way full
she
> > > took her left leg and kicked over the damn bucket again. So, I took
> > > another
> > > rope and hobbled her left leg and went back to milking. Lo and
behold,
> > > when
> > > I got about a third full that damn cow tipped over that damn bucket
with
> > > her
> > > tail. Her tail of all things.
> > > Well, I didn't have any more rope left. So, I took off my belt and
tied
> > > it
> > > to the beam in the barn. Well, about that time my pants fell down,
the
> > > wife
> > > walked in, and, well, there's some things you jest caint explain!!!"

Posh Spice was driving home and got caught in a really bad
> > > hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took
> > > it to the local garage
> > > The garage owner saw who she was and decided to have
> > > some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the exhaust
> > > pipe really hard and all the dents would pop out.
> > > So, the thin-as-you-like popstrel went home, got down on her
> > > hands and knees and started blowing into her tail pipe.
> > > Nothing happened.
> > > She blew a little harder and still nothing happened.
> > > Floppy haired hacker Beckham, upon hearing the huffing and
> > > puffing from outside the house, pulled a tracksuit over the skimpy
> > > knickers and peep hole bra he was wearing and went into the
> > > courtyard.
> > > "What are you doing?" Asked Becks.
> > > Posh then told him how the repairman had instructed her to
> > > blow in the exhaust in order to get all the dents to pop out.
> > > Beckham, clearly shocked at Poshes stupidity rolled his eyes.
> > > "Duh! You need to roll up the windows first!"

A man goes back to his local Lada dealer and complains
that he can only get to 80 up the hill.
"sir" replies the dealer "that's absolutely brilliant
for a Lada"
"but I live at 145 " replies the man.....


An Anagram, as we all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or
rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following
examples
are quite astounding!
Dormitory == Dirty Room
Evangelist == Evil's Agent
Desperation == A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code == Here Come Dots
Slot Machines == Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity == Is No Amity
Mother-in-law == Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms == Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness == Genuine Class
Semolina == Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries == Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point == I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes == That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two == Twelve plus one
Contradiction == Accord not in it

This one's amazing: [From Hamlet by Shakespeare]
To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in
the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.
==
In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent
hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten.


And the grand finale:
"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind."
-- Neil A. Armstrong
==
A thin man ran; makes a large stride; left planet, pins flag
on moon! On to Mars!


A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow he
managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the
building, where he crashed from pew to pew, finally making his way to
a side aisle and into a confessional.
A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress and figuring the
fellow was in need of some assistance, proceeded to enter his side of
the confessional. But his attention was rewarded only by a lengthy
silence.
Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?"
"I dunno," came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got
any toilet paper on your side?"


TRUE STORY.....
A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very
expensive cigars, insured them against ..... fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars and
having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a
claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that he
had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires." The insurance company
refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the
cigars in a normal fashion.

The man sued... .. AND WON

In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a
policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were
insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire,
without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," it was
obligated to compensate the insured for his loss. Rather than endure a
lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the
judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the
fires."

BUT WHAT COMES AROUND...

After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him
arrested ... On 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and
testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man
was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars. He was sentenced to
24 consecutive one year terms.....


BEER TROUBLE-SHOOTING
> >
> > SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
> > FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
> > ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
> >
> > SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
> > FAULT: Glass empty.
> > ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
> >
> > SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
> > FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
> > ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.
> >
> > SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
> > FAULT: You have fallen forward.
> > ACTION: See above.
> >
> > SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
> > FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
> > ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
> >
> > SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
> > FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
> > ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
> >
> > SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
> > FAULT: You are being carried out.
> > ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another
bar. If not shout for help.
> >
> > SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
> > FAULT: Bar has closed.
> > ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
> >
> > SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
> > FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
> > ACTION: Cover mouth.
> >
> > SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
> > FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
> > ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
> >
> > SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
> > FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
> > ACTION: Punch him.
> >
> > SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
> > FAULT: You have been in a fight.
> > ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
> >
> > SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
> > FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
> > ACTION: See if they have free beer.
> >
> > SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
> > FAULT: The beer is too weak.
> > ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
> >
> > SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
> > FAULT: Beer is just right.
> > ACTION: Play air guitar.


SANTA DEALS WITH POLITICAL CORRECTNESS

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.

And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.

And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."

And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.

Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.

And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.

His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.

A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.

So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."


To the Tune of "Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer"

Rudolph the red-nosed wino,
Had a very shiny nose,
And if you got too close to him,
He would take off his clothes.
All of the other winos,
Used to laugh and call him names,
They never let poor Rudolph,
Join in any wino games.
Then one chilly Christmas Eve,
Rudolph froze to death in an alley.
End of story.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

'Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring,
not even a mouse.

'Cuz the cat had pounced on him
and tore him apart-
Ate his mousey intestines
And chewed up his heart.

Kitty thought he heard sleighbells,
which made him take pause-
He stopped daintily lickng
the blood from his claws.

"Must be Santa" thought Kitty
(that quite clever cat)
'Cuz nobody else climbs down
the chimney like that.

Indeed it was ol' Santa,
so jolly and fat
With a load of presents
and all for the cat!

"Wow, the best Christmas ever!"
Kitty thought with a purr,
Then he coughed up a hairball
and shed some more fur.


Martha Stewart's Holiday Calendar

December 1
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold,
turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.

December 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message
for answering machine.

December 3
Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pinecones, fashion
cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.

December 4
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.

December 5
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.

December 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for
consideration.

December 7
Debug Windows NT 5

December 10
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

December 11
Lay Faberge egg.

December 12
Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

December 13
Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters,
particularly for decorative pie crusts.

December 14
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

December 15
Replace air in SUV tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case
tires are shot out at mall.

December 17
Childproof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.

December 19
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be
same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.

December 20
Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar
to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.

December 21
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and
cinnamon sticks.

December 22
Float votive candles in toilet tank.

December 23
Seed clouds for white Christmas.

December 24
Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged
in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel
less inadequate than they really are.

December 25
Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with
homemade potpourri.

December 26
Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.

December 27
Build snowman in exact likeness of God.

December 31
New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in
each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that
country.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

A private school teacher asked her students to bring something
religious with them to school the next day. The next day, when
it came time to share, the first student said, "My family is
Catholic, so I brought a crucifix." The teacher praised the
student for a good job.

The next student said, "My family is Jewish, so I brought a Star
of David." The teacher praised that student as well.

But the teacher was speechless when the third student reverently
announced, "My family is Presbyterian, so I brought a casserole."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was
going right. Mrs Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves
were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they
had while making the toys. The reindeer had been drinking all 
afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had 
taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had
crashed it into a tree.

Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver 
millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours -
all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't 
even have a Christmas tree!

I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree 
and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"

Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped 
in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says 
"Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"

And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to
pass.

A Pair of Pants (Pun) 

One day a man and his wife got into a terrible fight. She became
so irrational that she sliced the heck out of his favorite pair
of pants... he was for some reason extremely attached to them.
When he saw what she had done he nearly broke down in tears
because of how much those pants meant to him.

He took them to tailors near and far in an attempt to get them
fixed as good as new, but not one would even attempt it until one
day he found a really old tailor who said he would try. "I have
developed a new technique where I can reweave the fabric together
so that you will not be able to tell the pants had ever been
damaged," bragged the old tailor. "It will be as if they are
growing back together into a new pair of pants."

"That's perfect," cried the man.

"It will take a long time, for it is a very involved process. It
will also be expensive, but I am the only one in the world who
can do this."

"Money is no object," stated the man, so the tailor began to fix
his pants.

The man checked in every week to see how his pants were
progressing, and every week the tailor showed him how the new
process had made the pants grow slowly but steadily longer. One
day when the pants were at about mid-thigh the man walked into
the shop, but all the shades were drawn and there was an
atmosphere of mourning in the air.

An apprentice, recognizing the man from his frequent visits,
explained how the tailor had died of a heart attack in his sleep
the night before.

"I hate to ask," said the man, "at such a somber moment, but I'd
like to know one thing. The pants he was working on for me ...
will they ever be finished?"

The apprentice looked at him sadly, finally shaking his bowed
head. . "I'm sorry, but they stopped, shorts, never to grow
again when the old man died."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT

The plane's cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight
attendant who was just as obviously enjoying himself. He came
swishing down the aisle and said to the man and the woman seated
beside him, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll
be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you
could just put up your trays that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that the woman hadn't
moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute
engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can
pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called
a Princess. I take orders from no one!"

"Well, sweetie , in my country, I'm called a Queen so I outrank
you. Put up the tray, bitch!"

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

THE TWELVE 'PAINS' OF CHRISTMAS

Chorus: The first thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me
Is finding a Christmas tree.

The second thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:

Husband (2): Rigging up the lights,
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

The third thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Inebriated man (3): Hangovers,
2: Rigging up the lights,
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

The fourth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Frustrated man (4): Sending Christmas cards,
3: Hangovers,
2: Rigging up the lights,
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

The fifth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Chorus: F i v e m o n t h s of b i l l s,
4: Sending Christmas cards,
3: Hangovers,
2: Rigging up the lights,
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

The sixth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Frustrated wife (6): Facing my in-laws,
Chorus: F i v e m o n t h s of b i l l s,
4: Oh, I hate those Christmas cards,
3: Hangovers,
2: Rigging up these lights,
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

The seventh thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Angry man (7): The Salvation Army,
6: Facing my in-laws,
Chorus: F i v e m o n t h s of b i l l s,
4: Sending Christmas cards,
3: Oh, Jeez!
2: I'm trying to rig up these lights!
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

The eighth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Loud kid (8): I WANNA TRANSFORMER FOR CHRISTMAS!
7: Charities 
6: And what do you mean, "your in-laws"?!?
Chorus: F i v e m o n t h s of b i l l s,
4: Oh, making out these cards,
3: Edith, get me a beer, huh?
2: What? We have no extension cords?!?
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

The ninth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Another frustrated man (9): No parking spaces,
8: DADDY, I WANT SOME CANDY!!
7: Donations!
6: Facing my in-laws,
Chorus: F i v e m o n t h s of b i l l s,
4: Writing out those Christmas cards,
3: Hangovers,
2: Now why the hell are they blinking?!?
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

The tenth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Toy-commercial voice (10): "Batteries not included",
9: No parking spaces,
8: BUY ME SOMETHIN'!!!!
7: Get a job, ya bum!!!
6: (sobbing) Oh, facing my in-laws,
Chorus: F i v e m o n t h s of b i l l s,
4: Yo, ho! Sending Christmas cards,
3: Oh, Jeez, look at this!
2: One light goes out, they ALL go out!!!
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

The eleventh thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
TV Critic (11): Stale TV specials,
10: "Batteries not included",
9: No parking spaces,
8: I GOTTA GO TO THE BATHROOM!!!!
7: Charities!!
6: (sobbing) She's a witch! I hate her!
Chorus: F i v e m o n t h s of b i l l s,
4: Oh, I don't even KNOW half these people!
3: Oh, who's got the toilet paper?
2: Get a flashlight!! I blew a fuse!!!
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

The twelfth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
A few guys: Singing Christmas Carols,
11: Stale TV specials,
10: "Batteries not included",
9: No parking?
8: WAAAAAAH!!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
7: Charities!
6: Gotta make 'em dinner!
Chorus: F i v e m o n t h s of b i l l s,
4: I'm not sending them this year, that's it!
3: Shut up, you!
2: FINE!! If you're so smart, YOU RIG UP THE LIGHTS!
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

IS WINDOWS A VIRUS?

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

They replicate quickly. Okay, Windows does that.

Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down
the system as they do so. Okay, Windows does that.

Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk.
Okay, Windows does that, too.

Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user,
along with valuable programs and systems
Alright... Windows does that, too.

Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect
their system is too slow and the user will buy new
hardware Yup, that's with Windows, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are 
fundamental differences:

Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most
systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and
they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature. 
So, Windows is NOT a virus.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

There was a young man from Calcutta
who performed a marvellous trick.
He smeared his asshole with butter
and then he inserted his prick.

But it wasn't for honour or glory
and neither for riches nor wealth.
It was just to oblige a good friend
who had told him to go fuck himself.

<<<=-=>>>

Try this one three times out loud and fast!

Im not the fig plucker
nor the fig pluckers son
But I'll pluck figs
till the fig plucker comes

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

I think Santa Claus is a woman....
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a
she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm,
fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a
guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about
selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all
frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec.
24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and
plan for a last-minute shopping spree. Once at the mall, they
always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench
sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this
would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband
tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour
decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced
Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the
universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating
musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag. Another
problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all,
there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted
and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed,
desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's
rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have
transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up
there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for
directions. Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable
delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop
to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to
check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get
under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a
perfectly upright 90-degree angle.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
* Men can't pack a bag.
* Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
* Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...
having to be seen with all those elves.
* Men don't answer their mail.
* Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even
in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
* Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing
them.
* Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their 
ability to pick up women.
* Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a
commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are
men... Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking
ominous. Definite guy. 

Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician
who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could
pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a
chance. As long as we have each other, good will, peace on
earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas Song,"
it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is.

I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy!


WORLD ACCORDING TO FRANK & ERNEST

Notice! Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will roll!

Well, if Jerry Springer isn't educational TV, why does it make me
feel so much smarter?

A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a
computer.

I tried to get in touch with my inner child but he isn't allowed
to talk to strangers.

I have to take my paycheck to the bank ... it's too little to go
by itself.

We're lucky to have C-SPAN. Not many countries can watch their
government inaction.

Mountaintop Glue-Ru: "Stick to it! Stick with it! Stick it
out! Stick to your guns! Stick up for yourself! ..."

I must be following my diet too closely ... I keep gaining on it.

Welcome to Megacomputer's 24-hour helpline. If you have been
waiting LESS than 24 hours, please remain on the line ...

Whenever I'm in a mood to watch the world go by, I just keep to
the posted speed limit.

"You should communicate with you muscles." ... "I don't talk to
strangers."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

On the twelfth day of Christmas,
My computer gave to me:
Twelve blown-out circuits
Eleven damaged diskettes
Ten disk-drive lockouts
Nine burnt-out fuses
Eight worthless printouts
Seven system resets
Six I/O spasms
Five blank cassettes
Four garbled saves
Three loose plugs
Two key bounces
And a glitch on the video screen.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

MORE CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS 

Sermon Outline:
I. Delineate your fear
II. Disown your fear
III. Displace your rear

Next Friday we will be serving hot gods for lunch.

If you would like to make a donation, fill outa form, enclose a
check and drip in the collection basket.

Nov. 11: An evening of boweling at Lincoln Country Club.

Women's Luncheon: Each member bring a sandwich. Polly Phillips
will give the medication.

Karen's beautiful solo: "It is Well with my Solo"

Congratulations to Tim and Rhonda on the birth of their daughter
October 12 thru 17.

If you choose to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly.

We are grateful for the help of those who cleaned up the grounds
around the church building and the rector.

Hymn: "I Love Thee My Ford"

Sign-up sheet for anyone wishing to be water baptized on the
table in the foyer.

Newsletters are not being sent to absentees because of their
weight.

Helpers are needed! Please sign up on the information sheep.

The Advent Retreat will be held in the lover level of St. Mary's
Cathedral.

The District Duperintendent will be meeting with the church
board.

As soon as the weather clears up, the men will have a goof
outing.

Fifth Sinday in Lent.

Thank you dead friends.

Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding.

Lent is that period for preparing for Holy Weed and Easter.

Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget all His benefits.

For the word of God is quick and powerful...piercing even to the
dividing asunder of soup and spirit.

Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peach to men.

Definition: Persons who are shut-in during bath weather.

Bring one dozen coolies wrapped for Christmas.

The lovers in the exhaust fan are not working...

Volunteers are needed to spit up food.

Head Deacon and Dead Deaconess...

We pray that our people will jumble themselves


SUBJECT: NOTIFICATION OF SEASONAL ADJUSTMENT 

To Whom It May Concern:

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no
longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. 
Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my
contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves
Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana,
Illinois, Wisconsin, and Michigan. As part of the new and better
contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies, so keep
that in mind. However, I'm certain that your children will be in
good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third
cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South
Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys
and girls; however, there will be a few differences in appearance
and service. Differences such as:

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from
Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker
that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children
leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] by the fireplace.
And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though,
so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon
dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a
couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks
Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen..."
when Bubba Claus departs. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, 
on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on
Elliott and Petty."

5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does
have Yosemite Sam mud flaps on the back with the words "Back
Off" clearly visible. The last heard it also had other
decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is a Ford or Chevy
logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a
caricature of me (Santa Claus) taking a leak on the Tooth Fairy.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th
Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your
negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves
Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds
as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each
other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure
you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over
to put presents under the tree.

9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me
like "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa
Claus Is Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will
be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Song titles
include Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox"; Cledus T.
Judd's "All IWant for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack", and 
Hank Williams Jr.'s "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You Can Shove
It."

Sincerely Yours,

Santa Claus 
(member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

10 REASONS SANTA MUST BE A SYSTEM ADMINISTRATOR

1. Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny.
2. When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving 
what you wanted are infinitesimal.
3. Santa seldom answers your mail.
4. When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he's got,
he says, "Elves make it for me."
5. Santa doesn't care about your deadlines.
6. Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but 
did all the work themselves.
7. Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions.
8. Santa laughs entirely too much.
9. Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your $HOME.
10. Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence.


CHRISTMAS AND CHANUKAH TO MERGE

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and
acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that
Christmas and Chanukah will merge. An industry source said that
the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years, ever since
the rise of the Muslim Empire.

While details were not available at press time, it is believed
that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and
eight days of Chanukah was becoming prohibitive for both
organizations. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be
able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the
compromised Ten Days of Christmukah, as the new holiday is being 
called.

Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids
a-milking being the hardest hit.

As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the
dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus
becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.

Also, instead of translating "A great miracle happened there,"
the message on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous
stuff happens." In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be
allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources
for buying and delivering gifts.

In fact, one of the sticking points holding up the agreement for
at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish
children could leave milk and cookies for Santa after having
eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos
were finally declared to be Kosher.

Both organizations hailed this as a win-win.

A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a
takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely
pointed out that, were it not for the "phony ass, independent,
cultural schizophrenic" existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between
Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair
cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned,
he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance.

He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a
rousing rendition of "Oy, Come All Ye Faithful."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

"A new study shows that licking a frog can cure depression.
The down side is, the minute you stop licking, the frog gets
depressed again."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

HAVE A PUNNY CHRISTMAS BY RICHARD LEDERER

If athletes get athlete's foot, astronauts get missile toe.

A bird dog could be called a point setter.

James Fenimore Cooper wrote about the life of Santa Claus in his
novel The Deer Sleigher.

What's the difference between a one-winged angel and a two-winged
angel? It's a matter of a pinion!

It's a matter of my opinion that Yule love the game we're about
to play. In each sentence below, fill in the blank or blanks with
an expression commonly used at Christmastide. Answers repose at
the end of this column.

1. On December 24, Adam's wife was known as _____ _____.

2. In Charles Dickens's A Christmas Carol, Scrooge was visited by
the ghost of _____ _____.

3. An opinion survey in Alaska is called a _____ _____.

4. What does Santa Claus do with his three gardens? _____, _____,
_____.

5. What Christmas message is conveyed by these letters?:
ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ 
ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ. _____, _____

6. When the salt and the pepper say "Hi!" to each other, they are
passing on _____ _____.

7. A holy man bereft of change could be called _____ _____.

8. When you cross a sheep with a cicada, you get a _____ _____.

9. A quiet medieval armor-wearer is a _____ _____.

10. A cat walking on the desert is bound to get _____ _____.

11. People who tell jokes on December 25 might be called _____
_____.

12. An airplane disaster in Israel is a _____.

13. Actor O'Connor and actress Channing are known on December 25
as _____ _____.

14. What do Spanish sheep says when they wish each other a Merry
Christmas? _____ _____.

Meretricious to all! And don't forget that There's No Plate Like
Chrome for the Hollandaise.


Answers
1. Christmas Eve
2. Christmas Present
3. North Poll
4. Hoe, hoe, hoe.
5. Noel, Noel (no l, no l)
6. seasons' greetings.
7. St. Nickleless.
8. Bah! (or Baa!) Humbug!
9. silent knight
10. sandy claws
11. Christmas cards
12. cresh
13. Christmas Carols
14. Fleece Navidad! 

SPORTING COMMENTARY HOWLERS:

"This really is a lovely horse. I once rode her mother" 
(Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator)

"Moses Kiptanui - the 19 year old Kenyan who turned 20 a few
weeks ago" (David Coleman)

"We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of
the race, only exactly the opposite: (Murray Walker)

"The black players at this club lend the side a lot of skill and
flair, but you also need white players in there to balance things
up and give the team some brains and some common sense" 
(Crystal Palace chairman Ron Noades, speaking in 1991)

On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living
in Italy "It was like being in a foreign country" (Ian Rush)

"Bill Frindel has done a bit of mental Arithmetic with a
calculator" (John Arlott)

"Hodge scored for Forest after 22 seconds - totally against the
run of play" (Peter Lorenzo)

"We actually got the winner three minutes from the end but then
they equalised." (Ian McNail)

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body"
(Winston Bennett)

"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it
which isidentical" (Murray Walker)

"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father"
(Greg Norman)

"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of
them serious" (Alan Minter)

"The racecourse is as level as a billiard ball" (John Francombe)

"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same
thing again" (Terry Venables)

"We'll still be happy if we lose. It's on at the same time as the
Beer Festival" (Noel O'Mahoney. Cork City boss before the game in
Munich)

"I would not say he (David Ginola) is the best left winger in the
Premiership, but there are none better." (Ron Atkinson)

"He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see
it all over their faces." (Ron Atkinson)

"I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit
of a lifetime for that pratt." (Ron Atkinson)

"Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is
kissing the cox of the Oxford crew " (Harry Carpenter - BBC TV
Boat Race 1977)

"Here we are in the Holy Land of Israel - a Mecca for tourists"
(David Vine)

"Morcelli has four fastest 1500-metres times ever. And all those
times are at 1500 metres" (David Coleman)

"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks
on the field" (Metro Radio)

"...... and later we will have action from the men's coxless
pairs" (Sue Barker)

"Her time is about 4:33, which she's capable of " 
(David Coleman)

Dennis Pennis : "Have you ever thought of writing your
autobiography?" Chris Eubank : "On What ?"

"To play Holland, you have to play the Dutch." (Ruud Gullit)

"Well either side could win it, or it could be a draw " 
(Ron Atkinson)

"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in
the air for even longer." (David Acfield)

"What will you do when you leave football, Jack - will you stay
in football?" (Stuart Hall - Radio 5 live)

"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona" 
(Mark Draper - Aston Villa)

"There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs
and showing his class" (David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics)

"And for those of you who watched the last programme (Fanny and
Johnny Craddock), I hope your doughnuts turn out like Fanny's"
(David Coleman at the start of Match of the Day)

"..... and Ray Illingworth is relieving himself in front of the
pavilion" (John Arlott)

"These greens are so fast they must bikini wax them" 
(Gary McCord on the greens at Augusta)

"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is
that, before each tee-shot his wife takes out his balls and
kisses them - Oh my God, what have I just said?" 
(USTV commentator Jonny Huntridge)

"He's obviously gone in for a wheel change. I say obviously
because I can't see it"

"With half the race gone, there is half the race still to go"

"Do my eyes deceive me, or is Senna's Lotus sounding rough?"

"Anything happens in Grand Prix racing and it usually does"

"Alboreto has dropped back up to fifth place" "As you look at the
first four, the significant thing is that Alboreto is 5th"

"I can't imagine what kind of problem Senna has. I imagine it
must be some sort of grip problem"

"He is shedding buckets of adrenaline in that car"

"It's raining and the track is wet"

"And there's just a few more corners for Nigel Mansell to go to
win the Canadian Grand Prix... and... he's going rather slow...
HE'S STOPPING HE'S STOPPING!"

"And this is the third placed car about to lap the second placed
car"

"they say clothes maketh the man... the clothes are Niki Laudas,
but the contents are me..." [As Murray prepares to take a drive
in a F1 car. He gets a total distance of... oh, 1 foot before he
stalls it.]

[During a F1 race, describing how the leader can see the driver
following him] "...Mansell can see him in his earphone..."

Murray: So Bernie [Ecclestone], in the seventeen years since you
bought McLaren, which of your many achievements do you think was
the most memorable? Bernie: Well I don't remember buying McLaren.
[Bernie Ecclestone used to own the Brabham team].

Murray: What's that? There's a BODY on the track!!! James: "Um, I
think that that is a piece of BODY-WORK, from someone's car."

Murray: "There's a fiery glow coming from the back of the
Ferrari!" 
James: "No Murray, that's his rear safety light."

[As an introductory piece for a rallysprint race, Murray was put
in the Navigator's seat alongside Tony Pond in a Chevette HSR
(270 BHP, rwd, and TWITCHY), added an in-car camera, and wired
Murray for sound. The result can be deduced by extrapolating his
usual excitement and enthusiasm, and adding a large pinch of raw 
terror! ] "And there's a 600 foot drop on my left... AND we're
doing 120 mph... AND we're approaching a hairpin... OH MY GOD
we're going to die..."

[after a post race interview where Mansell won the French(?)
GP]Murray : How did you get that nasty bump on your head Nigel?
[Nigel leans forward to show the camera as Murray pokes it with
his finger !] Nigel: OWCH!!

"...Cruel luck for Alesi, second on the grid. That's the first
time he had started from the front row in a Grand Prix, having
done so in Canada earlier this year..."

James: And now what's wrong with Prost's car? 
Murray: It's not Prost's car it's that joker in the striped
shirt!


Many colleges and businesses tend to strip the last name
down to 6 characters and add the first and last initial to
either the beginning or end to make up an e-mail address.

For example, Mary L. Ferguson = mlfergus or fergusml. They
are just now beginning to realize the problems that may
happen when you have a large and diverse pool of people to
choose from. Add to that a large database of company/
college acronyms and you have some very funny addresses.
Probably not funny to the individual involved, however:

TOP TEN ACTUAL E-MAIL ADDRESSES

10. Helen Thomas Eatons (Duke University) -
eatonsht@dku.edu <mailto:eatonsht@dku.edu>

9. Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of Pennsylvania) -
dickinme@iup.edu <mailto:dickinme@iup.edu>

8. Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University) -
kissinfk@lvu.edu <mailto:kissinfk@lvu.edu>

7. Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue University) -
aspicker@pu.edu <mailto:aspicker@pu.edu>

6. Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University) -
ibballin@bsu.edu <mailto:ibballin@bsu.edu>

5. Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical, Northern
Division, Overton, Canada) - btkisser@bendover.com <mailto:btkisser@bendover.com>

4. Isabelle Haydon Adcock (Toys "R" Us) - 
ihadcock@tru.com <mailto:ihadcock@tru.com>

3. Martha Elizibeth Cummins (Fresno University) -
cumminme@fu.edu <mailto:cumminme@fu.edu>

2. George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.) -
blowmegd@dropdrawers.com <mailto:blowmegd@dropdrawers.com>

but at No 1, it had to be...

1. Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home Decorating) -
beeranbj@myplace.com <mailto:beeranbj@myplace.com>

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find
themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On
entering they must present something "Christmassy". 

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so
he is allowed in. The second man presents a cracker, so he is
also allowed in. The third man pulls out a pair of panties.
Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these
represent Christmas?"

Answer... "They're Carol's."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net,
There were hacker's a surfing. Geeks? Yeah, you bet.
The e-mails were stacked by the modem with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens,
While visions of Java danced in their dreams.
My wife on the sofa and me with a snack,
We just settled down at my rig (it's a Mac).

When out in the Web there arose such a clatter,
I jumped to the site to see what was the matter.
To a new page my Mac flew like a flash,
Then made a slight gurgle. It started to crash!!

I gasped at the thought and started to grouse,
Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
My Mac jumped to a page that wasn't quite clear.

When the image resolved, so bright and so quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick!
More rapid than mainframes, more graphics they came,
Then Nick glanced toward my screen,
My Mac called them by name:

"Now Compaq! Now Acer!", my speaker did reel;
"On Apple! On Gateway!" Santa started to squeal!
"Jump onto the circuits! And into the chip!
Now speed it up! Speed it up! Make this thing hip!"

The screen gave a flicker, he was into my RAM,
Then into my room rose a full hologram!
He was dressed in all red, from his head to his shoes,
Which were black (the white socks he really should lose).

He pulled out some discs he had stored in his backpack.
Santa looked like a dude who was rarin' to hack!
His eyes, how they twinkled! His glasses, how techno!
This ain't the same Santa that I used to know!

With a wink of his eye and a nod of his head,
Santa soon let me know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, gave my Mac a quick poke,
And accessed my C drive with only a stroke.

He defragged my hard drive, and added a SIMM,
Then threw in some cool games, just on a whim!
He worked without noise, his fingers they flew!
He distorted some pictures with Kai's Power Goo!

He updated Office, Excel and Quicken,
Then added a screensaver with a red clucking chicken!
My eyes widened a bit, my mouth stood agape,
As he added the latest version of Netscape.

The drive gave a whirl, as if it were pleased,
St. Nick coyly smiled, the computer appeased.
Then placing his finger on the bridge of his nose,
Santa turned into nothing but ones and zeros!

He flew back into my screen and through my uplink,
Back into the net with barely a blink.
But I heard his sweet voice as he flew from my sight,
"Happy surfing to all, and to all a good byte!"

Are your investments in order? Below are some of the latest 
rumors from Wall Street. In the wake of the AOL/Time Warner 
deal, here are the latest mergers we can expect to see:

Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and 
W.R. Grace Company merge to become Hale Mary Fuller Grace.

Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers merge 
to become Polly-Warner-Cracker.

3M and Goodyear merge to become MMMGood.

John Deere and Abitibi-Price merge to become Deere Abi.

Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining 
merge to become Zip Audi Do Da.

Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil merge to become Honey I'm 
Home.

Denison Mines, and Alliance and Metal Mining merge to become 
Mine All Mine.

Federal Express and UPS merge to become FED UP.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge and begin manufacturing 
reproductive organs.

Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will merge and 
become Fairwell Honeychild.

3M, J.C. Penney and the Canadian Opera Company will merge and 
become 3 Penney Opera.

Knott's Berry Farm & National Organization of Women will merge 
and become Knott NOW!


-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class,and the teacher says
that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans
stutter, no other animal in the world does this.

Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.

"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.

"Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the
verandah. The neighbours' Great Dane came around the corner, and
my cat went "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before
he could say "FUCK OFF!", the dog ate him!"

-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

SO... YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF A PROFESSIONAL, RIGHT?

This short quiz consists of 4 questions. It tells whether you
are qualified to be a professional. According to statistics of
Andersen Worldwide, approximately 90% of professionals failed the
exam. The questions are not that difficult. 

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference, all the
animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?

OK, if you did not answer the last three questions correctly,
this one may be your last chance to testify your qualification to
be a professional.

4. There is a river, which is lived in by crocodiles. How do
you manage to cross it?


-=*=- -=*=- ANSWERS -=*=- -=*=- 

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: open the refrigerator, put in the
giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether you are
doing simple things in a complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Wrong Answer: open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and
close the refrigerator.
Correct Answer: open the refrigerator, take out of the giraffe,
put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your
prudence.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference, all the
animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
The elephant! ...still in the refrigerator! This tests
whether you have a comprehensive thinking.

4. There is a river, which is lived in by crocodiles. How do
you manage to cross it?
Simply swim through it. All the crocodiles are attending the
Animal Meeting!


THE LATEST REPORT ON WINDOWS98:
NEW ERROR CODES ASSIGNED

Winerr 000 - Unexpected Intelligent User Encountered
Winerr 001 - Intimidation Failed; Attempting to Crash Repeatedly
Winerr 002 - Erroneous Error; No Error Occurred (Yet)
Winerr 003 - RAM Depleted; Annex Japan/Korea/Taiwan (Y/N)?
Winerr 004 - Deluxe Error. Please Send $75 to Upgrade Your Error
Winerr 005 - Long File Name Error; 
Tape Erased to Make Room for Filename
Winerr 006 - Insufficient RAM to Crash Properly;
Attempting Fake Crash
Winerr 007 - Alphanumeric Sequence "OS2" Prohibited
Winerr 008 - This Licence Has Expired; 
Please Purchase Another Copy
Winerr 009 - Error Buffer Overflow; Too Many Errors
Winerr 00A - Non-Microsoft Application Encountered
Winerr 00B - Push Error; Removing Files to Make Room for
Advertisement
Winerr 00C - Windows Loaded Correctly This Time
Winerr 00D - User Error; Lemming Not Found
Winerr 00E - Open Standard Encountered; 
Attempting to Redmondize
Winerr 00F - Reserved for Future Coding Errors
Winerr 010 - Virus Error - 
Other Applications Will Be Closed Instead
Winerr 011 - Orwell Not Found; You Must Use MSN
Winerr 012 - Cash Underflow - 
Credit Card Number Will Be Assimilated
Winerr 013 - Keyboard Error; User Must Learn to Slow Down
Winerr 014 - User Error; 
Reading License Agreement Mandatory to Continue
Winerr 015 - Error Message Deleted
Winerr 016 - Expected Error Did Not Occur;
Attempting to Restart Error Sequence
Winerr 017 - Multitasking Attempted; System Confused
Winerr 018 - Network Error - 
Your Crash Will Be Replicated to All Stations
Winerr 019 - Freedom-of-Choice Error; 
Select a Microsoft Browser To Continue
Winerr 01A - Insult Detected -- 
Your Bill Gates Joke Will Be Deleted
Winerr 01B - Error Removing Temporary File; 
A Permanent File Will Be Substituted
Winerr 01C - Wrong Disk Formatted. Sorry About That.
Winerr 01D - Mandatory Error Inserted to Meet Error Quota
Winerr 01E - Please Insert Your Favorite Error Here
Winerr 01F - Error In Progress; Please Wait...
Winerr 020 - Unknown Error Occurred But Was Lost.
Windows Will Try To Remember
Winerr 021 - Error Parsing Error List; Please Wait For Next Error
Winerr 022 - Upgrade Error; 
Please Format Your Drive And Reload Everything
Winerr 023 - An Unknown Error Has Occurred. 
Watch Closer Next Time.
Winerr 024 - Superior Application Conflict: 
You Must Delete All Lotus Products
Winerr 025 - Unscheduled Error In Progress.
Reschedule Next Error(Y/N)?
Winerr 026 - Removing Your Least-Favorite Data to Make Room for
Cool Icons
Winerr 027 - Sinatra Error. 
Windows Does Not Permit Doing It Your Way

-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-


A psychotherapist was having a roaring business since he
started from scratch. So much so that he could now afford to
have a proper shop banner advertising his wares. So he told a
kid to paint the sign board for him and put it above his shop
entrance. 

But, instead of his business building up, it began to slacken.
He had especially noticed the ladies shying away from his shop
after reading the sign board. So he decided to check it out
himself. Then he understood why! 

The boy found a small wooden board so he had split the word
into the 3 words: 

Psycho-
the-
rapist.

-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-


WHEN YOU'RE CAUGHT LOOKING...

A personal guide to what men should say when caught looking at another
woman by their wife or girlfriend. 

- I can't believe that outfit she is wearing. (Said disdainfully) 

- Look at that guy... over there... behind the woman. 

- I think that's a man dressed as a woman. (Incredulous) 

- Isn't that the actress from the movie Delicatessen? (Chances are she
hasn't seen that movie- and neither have you, but you will get brownie
points naming a foreign film, and it will be just obtuse enough to distract
her.)

- I think that's the girl I knew from high school who eventually joined a
convent (or was committed to an asylum) and turned out to be a real nut
case.

- Help me, I got something in my eye... can't see a thing! 

- I was staring off into space because I was about to have an epiphany
about the direction of my life and the nature of my love for you, but its
gone now, thank you very much! 

- Hey that's the loser I dumped in order to go out with you. Boy am I glad
I ever got away from her. What a moron. 

- I know you're probably thinking I was staring at a beautiful woman, but
to me she is like one of those fancy bakery cakes that looks good, but then
you have a bite and it is so sweet that it makes you sick. She makes me
sick. (It helps if you convulse a little at the end here.. maybe it will
camouflage your drool). 

- I was just thinking how I felt sorry for her - since she can never hold a
candle to you (this one might only get you punched, but its worth a try). 

- Do you think she's prettier than me? (Give her a taste of her own
medicine.) 


One day, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer all die and
go to Heaven. St. Peter's there and was having a bad day since
heaven was getting crowded When they get to the gate, St. Peter
informd them that there will be a test to get into Heaven: they
each will have to answer a single question.

To the teacher, he says, "What was the name of the ship that
crashed into the Iceberg and sunk with all its passengers?"

The teacher thinks for a sec, and then replies:" That would have
been the Titanic, right?". St. Peter lets him through the gate.

St. Peter turns to the Garbage man, and, figuring that Heaven
doesn't REALLY need all the stink that this guy would bring into
heaven, decides to make the question a little harder: "How many
people died on the ship?"

The garbage man guesses: "1228" "That happens to be right;
go ahead."

St. Peter turns to the Lawyer: "Name them."

-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-


TOP TEN CHANGES TO CABLE TELEVISION

Top Ten Changes to Cable Television Resulting from AOL Acquiring
Time Warner...

10. When you turn on your television, you'll hear "You've got
Pay Per View".

9. There will be a mysterious 19 hour period where your cable
just won't work.

8. Test Patterns: Televisions equivilent to a busy signal.

7. Every once in a while you have to have your cable
reinstalled.

6. 100 Free Trial Hours of Cable Access which you can't cancel,
no matter how hard you try.

5. CIA: Cable Instant Alerter. Now all your friends will know
when you are watching television.

4. Childproof features on cable will prevent you from receiving
programs from undesirable sources, including ones you really do
want to receive.

3. The cable repairman tells you to turn your TV off and back on
again when you report your cable is on the fritz.... again.

2. Relatives in neighboring towns make fun of you because you
don't have a "real" cable company like they do.

1. "You've been watching TV too long. Your connection has been
terminated."


CLUTTER 

It arose one morning from the bowels of my desk, a formless mass
that spread and covered itself over anything I was looking for.

"Who are you?" I asked.

"I am Clutter," the mass answered, "and I am here to confound
your life. I am the things you refuse to throw out though you
haven't used them in six years, the miscellaneous papers, phone
numbers, business cards, and chatckas you accumulate and don't
put away. I am the inevitable manifestation of your sloppiness. 
I am Clutter."

I grabbed Clutter and moved it from one end of the desk to the
other.

Clutter chortled. That's my favorite pastime. Moving from one
end of the desk to the other.

"What do you want?" I asked.

"To frustrate you. I will resist all attempts to remove me,
reduce me, or otherwise eliminate me. It's my purpose to hide
whatever important piece Of paper you need, whichever phone
number you must call."

"I'm throwing you out," I stormed.

Clutter shook his untidy mass sadly, as in pity. "Not without
looking through me to see if there's anything you really need,"
Clutter answered.

"The odds are slim, but you won't take that chance. And while
your sorting through me, I'll re-form in another pile."

"But you'll be smaller, more manageable."

"Not really. You'll decide to keep 90% of me, as you always do.
And soon, new papers, numbers, documents will gather, making me
more obstructive than ever."

"You won't ruin my life, Clutter! I'll start a filing system! 
Put a bit of you where you belong."

Clutter gazed at me contemptuously. "The last time you tried
that, you created my cousins, Chaos and Disorder. It'll never
work."

Clutter had me and I knew it. Attempts in the past to file
things alphabetically had only created 26 piles of mess instead
of one. I was desperate, so I decided to bluff. "I'll take a
time management course," I threatened. Clutter quite rightly
ignored my remark. I wasn't dealing with an idiot, after all.

"Then I'll buy a computer and store you on my floppy disks!"

"And within a month your disk-filing system will be in total
disarray, plus you'll have another pile of papers waiting to be
entered onto disks. Face it, you can't win."

Exasperated, I ran to the closet. "I'm getting some air."

Clutter had been to the closet before me. Shoes were scattered,
shirts were unhung, clumps of pants and underwear lay strewn next
to towels and a lawn chair. Socks congealed in small piles,
looking like the waste product of some nylon-eating monster. 
Cliff notes from A Tale of Two Cities lay atop the heater.

"Clutter," I yelled. "You have crippled my productivity for the
last time. No longer will I be late, no more will I miss
appointments, Never again shall I be overwhelmed by your size and
withdraw into reading old magazines. I am going out to the store
to buy a paper shredder."

I looked around for a long moment. "Now where did I leave my
keys?"

Clutter burped.

~Author Unknown

-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-


A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman 
sitting on a bar stool alone. 

He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going tonight?" 

She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, 
"I'll screw anybody at anytime, anywhere, your place or mine, it
doesn't matter to me." 

The guy raises his eyebrows and says...
"No shit, which law firm do you work for?"

-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path
of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your
money", he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a 
United States Congressman!"

"In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."


A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down.
The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and
hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just
bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and
order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile
and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table
and hands it to him.

The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep
breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meat loaf and mashed
potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the
kitchen. Mary the cook happens to be the owner's wife and he
tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal
and leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly
brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty
fork."

The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind
man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells
great, I'll take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind
man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next
time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him
coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary rub
this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back.

As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and
waiting.

"Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already
have the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and
says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here!"

-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

The Canadian Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they
had covertly funded a project with an auto maker for the past
five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes
in four-wheel drive pick-up trucks in an effort to determine, in
fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before
the crash.

They were surprised to find in almost all areas of Canada, the
last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, 
"OH, SHIT!"

Only the Maritime provinces were different, where 89.3 percent of
the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this, eh?". 

-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that
they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that
would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they
headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts and
shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their
"tourist" garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a
drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead" gorgeous
blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight toward them. They
couldn't help but stare and when she passed them she turned to
them, smiled and said, "Good morning father, good morning father"
nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on
by.

They were both stunned - how in the world did she recognize them
as priests? The next day they went back to the store, bought
even more outrageous outfits -these were so loud, you could hear
them before you even saw them - and again they settled on the
beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc.

After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini
this time, came walking toward them again. (They were glad they
had sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their
heads). Again, she approached them and greeted them individually:
"good morning father", "good morning father", and started to walk
away.

One of the priest couldn't stand it and said, "just a minute
young lady. Yes we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to
know, how in the world did YOU know?"

"Oh father, don't you recognize me?... I'm Sister Kathryn" 


BEER ~VS~ PUSSY

A beer is always wet. A pussy needs encouragement.
Advantage: Beer.

A beer tastes horrible served hot. A pussy tastes better served
hot.
Advantage: Pussy.

Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied.
Having an ice cold pussy makes you Hillary Clinton.
Advantage: Beer.

Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones. Pussy does not.
Advantage: Draw.

If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not
disgusted.
Advantage: Pussy

24 beers come in a box. A pussy is a box you can come in.
Advantage: Pussy.

Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer.
Advantage: Pussy.

If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible.
Advantage: Beer.

If you come home smelling like beer, The Woman may get mad.
If you come home smelling like pussy, she will definitely get
mad.
Advantage: Beer.

6 beers in a night and you better not drive.
6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you need.
Advantage: Pussy

Buy too much beer and you will get fat.
Buy too much pussy and you will get poor.
Advantage: Draw

It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a
football game. 
You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a football
game.
Advantage: Pussy

If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a
breathalyzer.
If a cop smells pussy on your breath, you are going to get a 
high five.
Advantage: Pussy

With beer, bigger is better.
Advantage: beer.

Wearing a condom does not make a beer any less enjoyable.
Advantage: beer.

Pussy can make you see God. Beer can make you see the porcelain
God.
Advantage: Pussy

If you think all day about the next pussy you will have, you are
normal.
If you think all day about your next beer, you are an alcoholic.
Advantage: Pussy

Peeling labels off of beers is fun.
Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun.
Advantage: Pussy.

If you try to snag a beer at work, you get fired.
If you try to snag a pussy at work, you get hit with sexual
harassment.
Advantage: Draw

If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break.
If you suddenly drop a pussy, it may hunt you down like the dog
you are.
Advantage: Beer.

If you change to another beer, your old brand will gladly have
you back.
Advantage: beer.

The best pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have
enjoyed it.
Advantage: Pussy.

The worst pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have
enjoyed it.
Advantage: Beer.

Bad beer: Schlitz, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Old Swill.
Bad pussy: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright.
Advantage: Draw

Good beer: Guinness, Sam Adams, Killian's Red
Good pussy: Almost all but the above.
Advantage: Pussy.

The government taxes beer.
Advantage: Pussy.

It's a close call, but the numbers never lie.
Advantage: Pussy.

-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on
mental health and was giving an oral test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked,
"How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth
screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a
chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A
basketball coach?"

-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-


Father Murphy walked into a pub in Donegal, and said to the 
first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then leave this pub right now!" and 
approached a second man. "Do you want to got to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then leave this den of Satan," said the priest, as he walked 
up to O'Toole. "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"No, I don't Father," O'Toole replied.

The priest looked him right in the eye, and said, "You mean to 
tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole smiled, "Oh, when I die, yes, Father. I thought you 
were getting a group together to go right now."


A Bishop was an active golfer. But he always put his clubs away
Saturday night and would not pick them up again till monday
morning.

One Sunday... after a particularly ugly week of rain, the Bishop
got up very early -- as the sun was rising -- and snuck on to a
public golf course to play one quick round before mass.

At that moment, St. Peter looks down from heaven and sees what
the Bishop is up to.

"God," Peter creis, "God... Get over her and take a look at this.
He is BLASPHEMOUS."

"Don't worry, Pete. I saw this comming. I am taking care of
this."

At that very moment, the Bishop teas off at the first hole, a 515
yard, dog leg right, par 5. The ball leaps from the pin, soars
through the air executes a text book right curve strikes the
ground 298 yards from the tee with incredible velocity jumps
forward and, miracle of miracles, after three bounces drops into
the hole without even striking the flag stick.

The Bishop is astonished, as is Peter... "Did you see, that Sir. 
He dropped it straight into the hole... That was a miracle... I
thought you were punishing him."

"With time, you will understand," says God as he walks away.

Peter watches with astonishment as the Bishop, hole after hole,
drops the tee shot into the cup.

As the Bishop puts his ball down on the tee at eighteen, Peter
summons God once again. "He is about to set a record, Sir... and
you are doing nothing about it..." 

The club colided with the ball... the ball flew... and dropped
into the hole.

"I am confused."

"Pete... think about it... He is a man of God... a preacher of
the holy word... He has just shot the perfect game... On
Sunday.... Without paying the green fees... Who can he tell?"

-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

Do you know how many members of the TATE family belong to our
organization? There is old man DIC TATE who wants to run
everything, while uncle RO TATE tries to change everything. Their
sister, AGI TATE, stirs up plenty of trouble with help from her
husband, IRRI TATE. Whenever new projects are suggested, HESI
TATE and his wife, VEGI TATE, want to wait until next year.
Brother FACILI TATE is quite helpful in group matters. And a
happy member is Ms. FELICI TATE. Cousins COGI TATE and MEDI TATE
always think things over and lend a helpful steady hand. And, of
course, there is the bad seed in the family, AMPU TATE, who has
cut himself off completely from the rest of the organization.

-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

Ten year old Mikey, was asked by his mother what he had learned
in Vacation Bible School. 

"Well, Mommy, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind
enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead His Chosen People out of
Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a
pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely.

Then he used his cell phone to call headquarters for
reinforcements. They called in an air strike of the Israeli Air
Defense to take out the bridge and all the Israelites were
saved."

"Now, Mikey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his
mother asked. 

"Well, no, Mom. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd
never believe it!" 


YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'RE GETTING OLD WHEN:

You and your teeth don't sleep together.

Your back goes out, but you stay home.

You wake up, looking like your driver's license picture.

It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

Happy hour is a nap.

When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure
that the street is still there.

Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.

It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

Your memory is shorter and your complaining is longer.

Your address book has mostly names that start with DR.

The pharmacist has become you new best friend.

Getting lucky means you found your car in the parking lot.

It takes twice as long to look half as good.The twinkle in your
eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.

Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.

You look for your glasses for a half an hour, and then find that
they were on your head all the time.

You sink your teeth into a steak --- and they stay there.

You get two invitations to go out on the same night, and you pick
the one that gets you home the earliest.

You give up all your bad habits and you still don't feel good.

You have more patience; but actually, it's just that you don't
care any more.

You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

You confuse having a clear conscience with having a bad memory.

You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even
remember being on top of it.

-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated
by the helicopters and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.

"$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot.

"That's too much," said the farmer. The pilot thought for a
second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife
ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be
free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10."

The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After
they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to
congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man."

"Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost
screamed when my wife fell out."

-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that
he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special
case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several
minutes, the older worker had had enough. 

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I
will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a
wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to
wheel back." 

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you
got." 

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the
handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right, 
Get in." 


THEME SONGS FOR BIBLE CHARACTERS

Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"

Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"

Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"

Esther: "I Feel Pretty"

Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"

Moses: "The Wanderer"

Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"

Samson: "Hair"

Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"

Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"

Joshua: "Good Vibrations"

Peter: "I'm Sorry"

Esau: "Born To Be Wild"

Jeremiah: "Take This Job and Shove It"

Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!"

The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star"

Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale"

Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away"

Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"

Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"

-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

The National Institutes of Health have announced that they will
no longer be using rats for medical experimentation. In their
place, they will use attorneys. They have given three reasons
for this decision: 

1. There are now more attorneys than there are rats. 

2. The medical researchers don't become as emotionally attached
to the attorneys as they did to the rats. 

3. No matter how hard you try, there are some things that rats
won't do. 

-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

An Asian goes to the eye Doctor, the Doctor says, "Sorry to tell
you, you have a cataract." 

The Asian says, "No, I have a Rincon Continental."

-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

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-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

MERGED BOOK AWARDS:

These awards are given to hybrid texts, the more fanciful the
better. This year's short list includes:

"Green Eggs and Hamlet"
Would you kill him in his bed?
Thrust a dagger through his head?
I would not, could not, kill the King.
I could not do that evil thing.
I would not wed this girl, you see.
Now get her to a nunnery.

"Catch 22 in the Rye" 
Holden Caulfield learns that if you're insane, you'll probably
flunk out of prep school, but if you're flunking out of prep
school you're probably not insane.

"The Remains of the Day of the Jackal" 
...is best left unexplained.

WHY I DON'T EXERCISE:

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't
lost a pound. Apparently, you have to show up.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.
She's 97 now, and we don't know where the hell she is.

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear
heavy breathing again.

I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out
what I'm doing.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who
annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

Paybacks Are a Bitch...

Little Sally was in the garden filling in a hole with dirt when
her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky
faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to
there, Sally?" 

"My goldfish died," replied Sally tearfully, without looking up,
"and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a
goldfish, isn't it?" 

Sally patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's
because he's inside your cat."

-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

THE TEST RESULTS

Thought I'd let my doctor check me
Cause I didn't feel quite right...
All those aches and pains annoyed me
And I couldn't sleep at night.

He could find no real disorder
But he wouldn't let it rest
What with Medicare and Blue Cross,
We would do a couple tests.

To the hospital he sent me
Though I didn't feel that bad,
He arranged for them to give me
Every test that could be had.

I was fluoroscoped and cystoscoped,
My aging frame displayed
Stripped, on an ice cold table,
While my gizzards were x-rayed.

I was checked for worms and parasites,
For fungus and the crud,
While they pierced me with long needles
Taking samples of my blood.

Doctors came to check me over,
Probed and pushed and poked around,
And to make sure I was living
They then wired me for sound.

They have finally concluded
(Their results have filled a page)
What I have will someday kill me;
My affliction is OLD AGE. 


Can you imagine working at the following company?
It has a little over 500 employees with the following statistics:

29 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad checks
117 have bankrupted at least two businesses
3 have been arrested for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 are current defendants in lawsuits
In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving

Can you guess which organization this is? 

Give up? 

A N S W E R:

It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same
group that perpetually cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of new
laws designed to keep the rest of us in line.

-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated
concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask, "Why do
we have to learn this stuff?"

"To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued
the lecture.

A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how
does physics save lives?" he persisted.

"It keeps the idiots out of medical school," replied the
professor.

-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

A very proper man started going into the neighbor-
hood drug store every week and buying 2 dozen boxes
of condoms. Week after week, he would come in with
the same order.

One day, the druggist felt he had to say something
to the man.

"Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk
about getting lucky! How on earth do you use that
many condoms a week?"

The man looked at him in disgust and said, "I beg
your pardon, but I find the whole idea of sex
repulsive!"

So, the druggist asked, "Then what do you do with
all those condoms?"

The gentleman answered, "I feed them to my poodle
and now she poops in little plastic bags."

-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

The folks at American Greetings have compiled a list of lines to
use when signing your valentine... depending on your personality.

Bold -- face it, you want me.

Clever -- IOUXOXO

Cosmic -- Didn't we know each other in another time and place?

Dreamy -- I never believed in love at first sight until you.

Enchantress -- A valentine spell has been cast on you!

Femme Fatale -- You cannot escape. I have ways to make you mine.

Athletic -- How about a little one-on-one?

Musical -- Always a love song in my heart for you.

No-nonsense -- What are you waiting for?

Old fashioned -- My mother warned me about guys/girls like you.

Sarcastic -- Hey! I signed the card. What else do you want?

Scientific -- The chemistry between us is definitely affirmative.

Self-assured -- Be my valentine. "NO" is not an option.

Silly -- You're hotter than a jalapeno sandwich!

Wild Child -- You are twisted and slightly dangerous. I like
that in a person.

Worldly -- Je t'aime! (translation from French "I love you")

-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged,
balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love"
stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He
then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all
over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the
balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm
sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

WALKING ON WATER
1999 Darwin Awards Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin

(24 November 1999, California) One particular group of Christians
attempted to follow in Jesus' footsteps more literally than most.
They worked to master the secret of walking on water. Diligently,
day by day, the group tried to be closer to God by making a
sincere effort to walk on water. These Christians continued their
unorthodox practices until the leader of this small Los Angeles
group unexpectedly died while practicing in his bathtub. His wife 
said James spent many hours trying to perfect the technique of
walking on water, but had not yet mastered the ability. He
apparently drowned after slipping on a bar of soap.

These people obviously haven't realised that anyone can walk on
water. I've done it myself. Just wait until the lake freezes...


THE TOP 15 MAFIA VALENTINE'S DAY GREETINGS

15. My love for you... it came and went.
So your feet are now in wet cement.

14. I'm here To fulfill your fondest wishes
Now that your husband sleeps with the fishes.

13. Lie down with me -- it's my final offa,
Or you'll be lying wit' Jimmy Hoffa.

12. I picked up this card from a slim selection
But that's all they offer here in witness protection.
Love, J. Doe

11. I've waited so long for you to be mine.
Now that Sinatra's dead, be *my* Valentine.

10. Be my Valentine, and we can do it execution-style.

9. Cinderella got her fella,
with a slipper made of glass;
So please be mine, Valentine,
or I'll have to whack your ass.

8. Violets are blue, roses are red,
I blew up your car -- So why ain't you dead?

7. The day we met, my little pet,
I knew with just one look
You'd bear a son, and now that's done,
So shut your mouth and cook!

6. Hey.

5. Youse da greatest. Youse da best.
But you're as untouchable as Elliot Ness.

4. Lust is fleeting, true love lingers.
Be mine always and you'll keep your fingers.

3. Hope da chocolates is good, but y'know,
dis ain't really what a guy's heart looks like.

2. Valentine, Dear, lend me a hand
So I won't be a self-made man.

1. When a goon makes you die,
Cuz you told him goodbye -- that's amore!

-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

SCREW VALENTINE'S DAY!

Hearts and roses and kisses galore...
What the hell is all that shit for?

People get mushy and start acting queer
It is definitely the most annoying day of the year

This day needs to get the hell over with and pass
Before I shove a dozen roses up Cupid's ass

I'll spend the day so drunk I can't speak
And wear all black for the rest of the week

Guys act all sweet, but it will soon fade
For all they are doing is trying to get laid

The arrow Cupid shot at me must not have hit
Because I think love is a crock of shit

So here's my story... what else can I say?
Love bites my ass... Screw Valentines Day!

-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

ARE YOU VALENTINE-WORTHY?
By Kerry Diotte

Ah Valentine's Day! It's the time of year when all women's
thoughts turn to love, romance and general mushiness.

And it's also the time of year when some men pay dearly for not
remembering what time of year it is.

Of course you might also be a guy who doesn't have a valentine to
love at all this year, which is really too bad.

Don't fret though. Maybe you don't have a woman to love, 'cause
you've approached the mating game all wrong. How do you know if
that's the case?

Simple. Take my quiz below. Presenting, Kerry's Krazy Valentine
Validation Quiz. Answer the questions, then check below to see
if you're the last of the red-hot lovers or an out-of-luck loser.


1. How often do you bathe?

a) Once a day
b) When I start to smell
c) What do you mean by bathing?

2. Have you ever made the following statement to a woman? "Yep
sweetie, I think cleanliness is next to godliness and I change my
underwear once every two months whether they need it or not."

a) Have never said it
b) Said it once
c) It's my favourite expression

3. How many professional monster truck drivers do you know,
personally?

a) None
b) A few
c) All of them.

4. Complete the following sentence. I believe violence has to be
tolerated...

a) in a war movie
b) in a playoff hockey game
c) anytime I get #%&*@ ticked at &%#@*# people and wanna give
'em a %#@%# attitude adjustment!

5. I think Meg Ryan is...

a) a quality actress
b) OK in those girl movies
c) not half as hot as Pamela Anderson

6. My ideal night out would be...

a) a romantic dinner
b) a hockey game
c) a Miss Best Chest contest at Showgirls

7. I believe that Don Cherry is...

a) a bit of a loudmouth
b) OK in small doses
c) smarter than God

8. I think women like it when you...

a) praise their wit
b) tell them they're gorgeous
c) stare at their boobs

9. Pick one person as woman of the century

a) My current lover
b) Mother Theresa
c) Traci Lords

10. Profanity is...

a) unacceptable
b) unavoidable once in a while
c) none of anyone's %$#@* business

11. Cooking and cleaning is...

a) a job for the hired housekeeper
b) something men and women should share
c) sure as hell not a man's job, baby

12. Valentine's Day makes me think of...

a) the love of my life
b) the great taste of Belgian chocolates
c) that sexy tart who works in the candy store

Score 3 points for an A answer, 1 point for B, 0 for C.

(20 points or more: You're very Valentine-worthy!)
(10 - 19 points: You might fool some woman -- maybe)
(10 points or less: Does the term social misfit mean anything to
you?)


From a Washington Post Report, in which readers were asked to
tell Gen-Xers how much harder they had it in the old days:

In my day, we didn't have no rocks. We had to go down to the
creek and wash our clothes by beating them with our heads.

Back in the 1970s we didn't have the space shuttle to get all
excited about. We had to settle for men walking on the crummy
moon.

In my day, we didn't have television. We had to tape shows on our
VCR's until T.V.'s came along.

In my day, we didn't have hand-held calculators. We had to do
addition on our fingers. To subtract, we had to have some fingers
amputated.

In my day, we didn't have water. We had to smash together our own
hydrogen and oxygen atoms.

Kids today think the world revolves around them. In my day, the
sun revolved around the world, and the world was perched on the
back of a giant tortoise.

In my day, we didn't have virtual reality. If a one-eyed
razorback barbarian warrior was chasing you with an ax, you just
had to hope you could outrun him.

-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old
sea-captain. "What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on
the starboard?"

"Throw out an anchor, sir."

"What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?"

"Throw out another anchor, sir."

"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you
do?"

"Throw out another anchor."

"Hold on," said the Captain, "where are you getting all your
anchors from?"

"From the same place you're getting your storms, sir."

-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-


CHIMNEY SAFETY
1999 Honorable Mentions
Confirmed True by Darwin

(1999) A married couple wanted to keep their home fires burning,
and decided to install a wood stove in their Granite Falls home.
They figured it didn't take a rocket scientist to install this
basic bit of heating hardware, so instead of hiring a
professional, they brought the stove home and installed
it themselves.

They even remembered to cut a hole through the ceiling for the
chimney vent. Unfortunately they neglected to extend the chimney
through the attic to the roof. Pleased with a job well done, they
settled down to a cozy evening in front of the fire. The
inevitable happened. The heat and sparks built up in the attic
and set their home ablaze, providing an unexpected source of
warmth from above.

Snohomish County firefighters extinguished the fire, and the
couple returned to their home to console each other over their
$8000 loss. But the fire was not quite out. Firefighters had
failed to fully extinguish the fire, which started up again the
next morning, burning the house to the ground. The husband and
wife survived.


TEXSAS CHILI

Notes from an inexperienced Seattle chili taster named Frank who
was visiting Texas:

"Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous
Celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no
one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in
sick at the last minute and I happened to be standing there at
the judges' table asking directions to the beer wagon when the
call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native
Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides
they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted."

Here are the score cards from the event:

Chili #1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little to heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These hicks are crazy.

Chili #2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight
Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting barbecue flavor, needs more peppers to be
taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people
who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver while I shoved my way
to the front of the beer line.

Chili #3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick! Needs more
beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red
peppers.
FRANK: This has got to be a joke! Call the EPA, I've located a
!?#@%~#@*_#! uranium spill! My nose feels like I have been
sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of
my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me
on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.

Chili #4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me
with fresh refills so that I wouldn't have to dash over to see
her.

Chili #5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes.
I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The
contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given
me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly
on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other
judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili #6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance
of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous
flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.

Chili #7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili
peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried
about judge #3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.
FRANK: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin
and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost sight in one eye and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered
with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point.
Good, at autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to
stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen
anyway. If I need air I'll let it in through the hole in my
stomach.

Chili #8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither
mild nor hot. Sorry to see most of it was lost when Judge
number 3 fell and pulled most of the pot on top of himself.
JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe
for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
FRANK: --------------

-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

"MILLIONAIRE" JOKE

Husband to Wife: Want to have sex tonight?

Wife: Nope, got headache.

Husband: Is that your final answer?

Wife: It is my final answer.

Husband: Can I phone a friend?

-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her
fortieth birthday. He says, "So what would you like, Honey?

A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?"

She says, "Larry, what I really want is a divorce."

"My goodness," he says, "I wasn't planning on spending THAT
much!"


25 COMEBACKS TO THE QUESTION "WHY AREN'T YOU MARRIED YET?"

1. You haven't asked yet.
2. I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
3. What? And spoil my great sex life?
4. Nobody would believe me in white.
5. Because I just love hearing this question.
6. Just lucky, I guess.
7. It gives my mother something to live for.
8. My fiancee is awaiting his/her parole.
9. I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.
10. Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?
11. I'm waiting until I get to be your age.
12. It didn't seem worth a blood test.
13. I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
14. I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
15. My co-op board doesn't allow spouses.
16. I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.
17. They just opened a great singles bar on my block.
18. I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
19. I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those
voodoo doll rituals.
20. What? And lose all the money I've invested in running
personal ads?
21. We really want to, but my lover's spouse just won't go for
it.
22. I don't want to have to support another person on my
paycheck.
23. Why aren't you thin?
24. I'm married to my career, although recently we have been
considering a trial separation.
25. (Bonus reply for Single Mothers) Because having a husband and
a child would be redundant.

-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

A young woman enrolled in nursing school was attending an anatomy
class. The subject of the day was involuntary muscle functions.

The class was not paying attention, so the instructor, hoping to perk up
the students a bit, asked the woman, ..."Do you know what your asshole does
when you're having an orgasm?"

"Sure," she says, "he's at home, taking care of the kids"

-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

The following beguiling ideas about science quoted here were
gleaned from students' essays, exams, and classroom discussions.

* One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse
500 feet in one second.

* Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

* You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close
you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so
never mind.

* When they broke open molecules, they found they were only
stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found
them stuffed with explosions.

* When people run around and around in circles we say they are
crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.

* While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from
the sun, it is really only centrificating.

* Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to
change back into a sun in the daytime.

* A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way
it wants to go.

* Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils, others
preferred to be oil.

* Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we
know they're there.

* Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But
I have never been able to make out the numbers.

* We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation.
Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put
the top on.

* H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.

* Water is composed of two gins. Oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is
pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

* I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to
do it, and that is the important thing.

* In making rain water, it takes everything from H to O.

* Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

* Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's tongue
will kill the strongest man.

* Isotherms & isobars are even more important than their names
sound.

* It is so hot in some parts of the world that the people there
have to live other places.


Free Train Ride

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a
conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy
tickets and watch as the three engineers only buy a single
ticket.

"How are 3 people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an
accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

They all board the train. The accountants take their respective
seats, but all 3 engineers cram into a restroom and close the
door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says,
"Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a
ticket in hand. The Conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
So, after the conference, the accountants decided to copy the
engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get
to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip.
But, to their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at
all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one
perplexed accountant. Laughing, an engineer answers, "Just watch
and you will see."

When they board the train, the 3 accountants cram into a restroom
and the 3 engineers cram into another one nearby. The train
departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves the restroom and
walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He
knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

Grandma went into Victoria's Secret and wanted to buy some fancy
new panties. The sales lady talked her into buying some real
nice bright red crotchless panties. Grandma put them on and
waited for grandpa to come home.

When grandpa came home, grandma was all laid out upon the bed and
pointed down to the new crotchless panties she had on.

She said, "Come on grandpa, you want some of this?"
Grandpa said, "Lord no, it done ate a hole in your panties!"

-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

RULES FOR WORK:

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and
then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10
minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better,
hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It
gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies,
don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a
paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in
case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which
is the priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really
have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets
out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to
be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them
down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use
confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right
to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton.
When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify
them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could
really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and
it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like
the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check
you received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals
SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with
a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.

-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

Two hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car.
Another hunter approached pulling his along too.
"Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something...
but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in
the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."

After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.

A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know,
that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"

"Yeah," the other added, "but we're getting farther away from the
truck."

-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

A couple was going to a costume party. The husband was
unsure of what costume to wear. His wife was telling him to
hurry or they would be late for the party. She was walking down
the stairs from the bedroom, completely naked except on her
feet were a big old floppy pair of boots.

"Where is your costume?" the husband asked.

"This is it," replied his wife.

"What the hell kind of costume is that?" asked the husband.

"Why, I am going as Puss and Boots," explains the wife. "Now
hurry and get your costume on."

The husband went upstairs and was back in about 2 minutes.
He also was completely naked except he had a rose vase slid
over his penis.

"What the hell kind of costume is that?" asked the wife.

"I am a fire alarm," he replied.

"A fire alarm?" she repeated laughing.

"Yes," he replied. "In case of fire break the glass, pull twice
and I come."


BOOZE QUIPS & QUOTES

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
--Catherine Zandonella

Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying
himself a pleasure. --Ambrose Bierce

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.

I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
--W.C. Fields

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to
thank her. --W.C. Fields

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
--W.C. Fields

Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.
--Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. --His reply

If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us
stomachs. --David Daye

Work is the curse of the drinking classes. --Oscar Wilde

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
--Henny Youngman

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted
all of the time and have the time of your life.

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
--Tom Waits

After beer and women, bananas are natures most nearly perfect
food. --D. Kimes

You don't like jail? Naw, they got the wrong kind of bars in
there. --Charles Bukowski

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet
it makes beer shoot out your nose. --Deep Thought, Jack Handy

One more drink and I'd be under the host. --Dorothy Parker

When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons
a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an
entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.
--Post-petroleum Guzzler, Dave Barry

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of
mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine
invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
--Dave Barry's Bad Habits, Dave Barry

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen
and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a
vital ingredient in beer. --Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks
behind. --Humphrey Bogart

Adhere to Schweinheitsgebot. Don't put anything in your beer
that a pig wouldn't eat. --David Geary

Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine.
--David Moulton

A drink a day keeps the shrink away. --Edward Abbey

People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they
just like to pee a lot. --Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI

Put it back in the horse! --H. Allen Smith, an American humorist
in the '30s-'50s, after he drank his first American beer at a
bar.

-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

VACATION

Two carrots left the farm for a big time in the Big Apple. They
went everywhere - shows, museums, libraries, the Statue of
Liberty, the subs, galleries. For a real blast off their last
night in town they went from bar to bar, carousing until the wee
hours.

When they stumbled out to the curb to hail a cab, one of the
drunken carrots fell in the path of a speeding car. The other
carrot called for an ambulance and followed his friend to the
hospital.

After several hours of waiting and pacing the carrot was
approached by a surgeon. The doctor told the carrot he bore both
good and bad news and asked the carrot which he wished to hear
first. The carrot told the doctor to start with the good news.

The doctor complied, stating, "Your friend will live, ... but
he'll always be a vegetable."

-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

ALCOHOL WARNING LABELS

If government is going to put health warning labels on beer, wine
and liquor, let's at least have a little truthfulness about the
matter!

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with
breath that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like
an asshole.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that
ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the
morning.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same
boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash
your head in.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay things like
thish.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss
what you REALLY THINK while photocopying your butt at the office
Christmas party.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the
hell ever happened to your pants (panties) anyway.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the
morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name
you can't remember).

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of
inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you
are tougher, more handsome, and smarter than some really, really,
really big biker guy named "Big Al."

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are
whispering when you are not.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you can
logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without
spitting.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are
invisible.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing WITH you.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the
time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of
time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.


MORE ANAGRAMS

An anagram is a rearrangement of the letters in a word or phrase.
Sometimes you'd be surprised at how anagrams parallel reality...

GEORGE HERBERT WALKER BUSH - Huge Berserk Rebel Warthog

GEORGE BUSH - He bugs Gore

RONALD WILSON REAGAN - A long-insane Warlord (or Insane Anglo
warlord)

RONALD REAGAN - A darn long era

LEROY NEWTON GINGRICH - Yon Right-winger Clone

MARGARET THATCHER - That great charmer

THE CONSERVATIVE PARTY - Teacher in vast poverty

ELEVEN PLUS TWO - Twelve plus one

DORMITORY - Dirty Room

EVANGELIST - Evil's Agent

DESPERATION - A Rope Ends It

THE MORSE CODE - Here Come Dots

SLOT MACHINES - Cash Lost in 'em

ANIMOSITY - Is No Amity

MOTHER-IN-LAW - Woman Hitler

SNOOZE ALARMS - Alas, No More Z's

ALEC GUINNESS - Genuine Class

THE PUBLIC ART GALLERIES - Large Picture Halls, I Bet

A DECIMAL POINT - I'm a Dot in Place

THE EARTHQUAKES - That Queer Shake

THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR A MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND. -
A thin man ran; makes a large stride; left planet, pins flag on
moon! On to Mars!

-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to
make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other
buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor
by floor. While working on the 49th floor, two construction
workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator
shaft. They decided that they should call the police.

When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and
showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They
said, "This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important."

Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it
any more, they had to know who they had found. They called the
police station and said, "We are the two guys who found the
skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa
or somebody important."

The police said that it wasn't Jimmy Hoffa, but that it was
somebody kind of important.

"Well, who was it?"

The 1956 Irish National Hide-and-Seek Champion.

-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

Two men get into a terrible car accident. Both cars are
totaled, but amazingly, neither man is hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, one man says to the other
"There's nothing left of our cars, but at least we weren't
injured. This must be a sign from god that we were meant to
meet, be friends, and live together in peace the rest of our
lives."

The other man replies, "I totally agree with you. This must be
a sign from God."

"And look at this," continues the first man, "It's another
miracle. My car was completely destroyed but this bottle of
wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink the wine to
celebrate our good fortune!"

He hands the bottle to the other man, who promptly takes a few
big gulps and hands the bottle back. The man takes the bottle
and immediately puts the cap back on.

The other man asks, "Aren't you going to have a drink?"

"No, I think I'll wait for the police to join us," the man
said.


EMAIL ERRORS

An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a
vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was
planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his
hotel in Florida, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.
Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her
e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed
instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed
away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at
the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in
a dead faint.

At the sound of her scream, her family rushed into the room and
saw this note on the screen:

"Dearest Wife: Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your
arrival tomorrow. P.S. sure is hot down here!

-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

NO BOGARTING

Plans have been announced to hold a Million Marijuana March on
May 1st to protest out-dated marijuana laws. What it is, on May
1st, a bunch of people will get together, smoke some pot and then
make a million trips to the 7-11. (Steve Voldseth)

-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

COMPUTER BUMPER SNICKERS

Don't make me use uppercase.

A Life? Cool! Where can I download one of those from?

Email is packaged by intellectual weight, not volume.

Some settling of contents may have occurred during transmission.

Murphy's best friend was a computer.

The truth is out there? Does anyone know the URL?

The Web isn't better than sex, but sliced bread is in serious
trouble.

-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

Eleven women were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging rope
suspended from a crumbling outcropping on Mount Everest.

Ten were blonde, one was a redhead. As a group they decided that
one of the party should let go. If that didn't happen the rope
would break and everyone would perish.

For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered. Finally the
redhead gave a truly touching speech saying she would sacrifice
herself to save the lives of the others.

The blondes applauded.


THE 9 TYPES OF GIRLFRIENDS:

MS. NICE GUY
- "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh, darling, you shouldn't have!"
Also known as: Whattagal, Precious, one of the boys, My Main
Squeeze, Doormat
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday

OLD YELLER
- "You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a
bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable?"
Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog
from Hell
Advantages: Pays attention to you
Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans

SICKLY
- "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite."
Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Grumpy
Advantages: Predictable
Disadvantages: Contagious

THE BOSSER
- "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut.
Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."
Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and
Chain, Yes Mom
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?

MS. VAGUELY DISSATISFIED
- "I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home,
and hair color?"
Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw C'mon Honey
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed

WILD WOMAN OUT OF CONTROL
- "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love onna front lawn.
I done it before. S'fun."
Also known as: Fast Girl, Freewheeler, Goodtime Charleena,
Passed Out
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs

HUFFY
- "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep
snickering at."
Also known as: No Fun, Humorless Prig, Cold fish, Chilly
Proposition, Iceberg, Snarly
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
Disadvantages: You will have no friends

WOMAN FROM MARS
- "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel
about our relationship."
Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad
News, Artistic
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable 
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud

MS. DREAMGIRL
- "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my
handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like
crazed weasels now!"
Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
Advantages: Funny, intelligent, uninhibited
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with YOU

-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

Q: What's the difference between a woman and a brick?
A: After you lay a brick it doesn't follow you around for a week
whining.

-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands
performance as a lover.

The first woman says "My husband works as a marriage counsellor.
He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like
that."

The second woman says "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He
likes to play rough and slap me around sometimes. I kinda like
that."

The third woman just shakes her head and says "My husband works
for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me
how great it's going to be when I get it."

-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

THE 9 TYPES OF BOYFRIENDS:

JOE SENSITIVE
- "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?"
Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling,
Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepuppy
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy

OLD MAN GRUMPUS
- "People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home
and watch TV."
Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey,
Slow Mover, Jerk
Advantages: Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass

FLINCHY
- "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did."
Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle

BIGFOOT
- "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."
Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk,
Big 'n' Dumb
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig

LAZYBONES
- "Zzzzzz"
Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket,
Drug Addict
Advantages: Well rested; easy target
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your dreams

THE SNEAK
- "Who, me?"
Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, Son of a Bitch
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages: May be having time of his life

ACE OF HEARTS
- "After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels."
Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova,
Monster
Advantages: Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused

THE DREAMER
- "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how,
but--"
Also known as: Struggling Artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of
Wind
Advantages: Tells good stories
Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"

MR. RIGHT
- "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like
crazed weasels in my new yacht."
Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction


