| November 8, 2004 |
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| Well, I was just reading Gina G's profile (from ObesityHelp.com), and it really got me thinking. Let me first just say that she is a very determined (for lack of a better word) person. Here is the link to her profile; I highly recommend that you at least check it out:
"> http://www.obesityhelp.com/morbidobesity/profile.phtml?N=G1022357098 Anyways, what got me thinking was all her talk about "head battles," which I am a firm believer in. If you think you haven't had any head battles, you might want to take a second look. Also, I just watched Oprah's show with a woman who used to be 550 pounds until she had gastric bypass and lost 300 pounds. She talked about the emotional issues as well. It takes your mind a LONG time to catch up with your body. The biggest complaint that people have about this surgery is that they still see themselves as that "fat" person they were before the surgery. I have discussed my issues with this problem as well. However, I am trying very hard to not eat just b/c I'm bored, stressed, sad, etc. This is a difficult battle. Sometimes, I will stop myself with a rice cake half-way to my mouth b/c I realize that I'm not really hungry and am just eating for some other reason (usually as an escape-avoidance mechanism or boredom). I've noticed that I eat more when I'm sitting at the computer (trying to avoid school work) or when I'm driving in my car for a long period of time (bored). I'm trying to make myself stop this b/c I want this surgery to be SUCCESSFUL. I did not risk my life and spend all this money to only fail. I am NOT a failure. I have never settled for failing. I'm the classic overachiever in everything I do, and I WILL achieve (and maintain) my goal with this as well. Many tell me that I'm gorgeous or cute, which floors me b/c I don't feel that I deserve those compliments, yet (not until I reach goal), but they are much appreciated and needed b/c they boost my self-esteem and keep me going. I know that I'm no longer as fat as I used to be, and I can even see it when I look in the mirror. But I still think that I'm too fat. I tell myself that once I get down to a size 10, I won't think I'm fat (just a little extra rounded). I hope this is true, but my greatest desire is to get down to a size 2. I usually tell people that I would be happy with a size 6 simply b/c I know how they will react to me wanting to be a size 2. However, I believe that this is a realistic goal, esp since I am so short (petite). I have a cousin who has worn a size 0, and I have always wanted to at least be able to say that I can wear a size 2 (did I mention that I have a little competitive streak in me?). Anways...... I've actually veered from the real reason I wanted to write tonight: Head Battles. I started working on my head battles before I had my surgery (although I didn't exactly realize that was what I was doing at the time). I started mending my relationship with my dad, which was a BIG step. I finally started making myself accept others as they are (rather than also wanting them to change and be the way I thought they should be). Those 2 are both still works in progress, but I have made many leaps and bounds. Just the fact that I finally decided to have the surgery was my way of confronting the head battles. I was saying that I wanted to change and was ready to change. I am ready to lose food as my comfort blanket. I am ready to let people see how pretty I can be on the outside. I am ready to accept myself. I CHOOSE LIVING LIFE! Part of the reason why I was overweight was b/c I don't trust men (people in general really). I didn't really want to be viewed as sexy or beautiful b/c that would have put me in a situation with which I would have had to deal. Also, I had so many self-doubts about my personality and whether or not people liked me. When I was fat, I could use the excuse that they didn't like me b/c of my weight. That was a huge security blanket to give up, let me tell you. I still have doubts about whether people like me; wondering if they are being nice to my face but making fun of me behind my pack or in a way that I'm not catching it. I've been teaching myself to not worry about those things and just be myself (hard task). One thing that has helped me, though, is something called Life Training in Houston, which I attended about 1-1/2 months after my surgery. My sister had tried for years to get me to attend, but I kept telling her I wasn't ready (I always had a good excuse). I finally told her that I would attend after having my surgery, not before then, and I stuck to my word. During the actual weekend retreat, I did not feel like it was worth the $200+ (student price) I forked over. It was good, but not THAT good. Well, over the past couple months, I have noticed myself applying the techniques to my life, and I have been a much happier person. I was the person who was always POLITE and didn't want to hurt ANYONE's feelings. I still care about others feelings, but not to the detriment of my own mental health. I stand up for myself and my beliefs more often. I'm learning how to say "No." I tell people how I'm really feeling. I don't always do this right out; sometimes it takes a person asking or a little time for me to get up the nerve to offer it freely, but I'm working on it. I've decided that the Life Training (or More to Life Weekend) was worth the money if for no other reason than for the betterment of my mental health. Still not sure if I would say this if I had paid full price ($400+), but they say that the real "Ah Ha" moment comes at 6 months out, so we will see. Something else I want to share: Before my surgery, I did not think that I would need professional help (I knew that I might need help afterwards but not before). Well, during the Spring '04 semester of graduate school (while I was teaching reading groups, trying to get a 4.0 in my classes, trying to be there for my friends, trying to spend time with my family that lived 2-1/2 hrs away, and trying to get approved for this surgery), I started experiencing some serious RAGE issues. I was yelling at my students all the time (I don't like to yell). I was yelling at and spanking my nieces a lot (both of which I don't like doing). At first, I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. I blamed it on grad school. I was mad that I let people talk me into going to grad school immediately after completing my undergrad. I was DONE with school and was ready to have my own classroom. I started doing everything I could think of to calm this anger/rage I was feeling. I tried: buying and burning aromatherapy oils; getting a massage; deep breaths; calming self-talk; reading self-help books, etc. Finally, a classmate mentioned that she and her husband had taken advantage of the free counseling that our school offers to its students. I decided to try it out. I had always wanted to see a counselor. What is better than FREE? I quickly realized that the source of my rage was coming from EVERYTHING that I was dealing with at the same time but esp from the not knowing if I was going to be approved for surgery. After being approved for my surgery, I stopped going. I had more and more things on my plate, and less and less time. I at least was able to learn how to manage my rage. Since my surgery, I have become a lot more laid back, which is good and bad (esp when it means that I'm not so interested in getting schoolwork done). Still yell at my students sometimes, but that is mostly b/c I'm now working with junior high kids for the time ever (talk about a new experience). I probably should still see a counselor, but that will have to wait until I finish grad school and have a more regular schedule that allows for such things. For now, I'm doing fairly well. The TMB is a HUGE help!!!! They ARE my therapy! Since I don't have a support group to attend, they ARE my support group, for which I am forever grateful! Now, I just need to teach myself to not spend soooooo much of my time on the computer and to actually take care of the other things I prefer to avoid (school work, house cleaning) :-) |
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