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₊❏❜ 🥛⋮Salutations~ ⌒⌒
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:::::::::::↺ ⌦ hi there! welcome to this blog waaaaw coolio! sorry i'm writing in comic sans ms.... :P. well...basically, despite what this appears, this is NOT a cute blog! well,,,aesthetically maybe! but NO!! i think i'll tell you more about me! well, my name is seokhyeong (you can call me seokie!!), i like kpop, ah,,,thats it i guess! well, thanks for reading, parties wouldn't be parties if all parties weren't there you know!
hugs <3.
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.₊❏❜ 🥛⋮Jamais vu~ ⌒⌒
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:::::::::::↺ ⌦ hi!! so this is the first,,second??? idk. it's an entry. not a lot to say today. i'm ok i guess.
seeya, hugs <3.
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₊❏❜ 🥛⋮Bittersweet~ ⌒⌒
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:::::::::::↺ ⌦ hii. this entry might be harder to write. i'm just feeling kind of worthless. i've never really told anyone like,,full details of my marriage. how she treated me. how she was manipulative. she didn't even want me to see my kids anymore. im just such a worthless piece of shit and i just want it to stop. she treated me badly and i know it, but i cant live without her. while she's been gone i just cant live with myself. i cant sleep alone i cant go so long without a hug or someone telling me im pretty and saying they love me i cant go so long without having someone to do,,sexual things with me. im just scared of being alone. i cant take care of myself. i cant function on my own. i'm sorry this was kind of serious, i will try to get better soon and write more positive vents.
seeya! hugs <3.
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₊❏❜ 🥛⋮Darkness~ ⌒⌒
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:::::::::::↺ ⌦ hi again!!! how have you been doing? i hope you're doing good (^^) sooo this entry might be a little more...serious.
i've been struggling with hypersexuality for a while. i have been diagnosed with a lot of personality disorders which could potentially of course make me this way, kind of requiring attention and sex. sometimes,,,it makes me feel dirty. it makes me feel like i'm some whore. not in a degrading way or anything like, genuinely. it does make me feel yucky.
today, i've done sexual thing 7 times. i have orgasmed 7 whole times in just one day. most of them were done in one sitting. this obviously isn't healthy,,,and i want to stop. but i don't know how. i get scared to open up,,because then i would probably have to open up about other stuff and i dont wanna! i've opened up to 2 friends, and basically the response wasnt awful! but i'm just,,,i don't know. i'm scared. i don't open up alot about my trauma and disorders and why i am the way i am. i went from being repulsed by sex to wanting it every second. i guess i just,,want validation. i just want to be validated and loved.
this might be a little obvious...but i also kind of feel like there's this sick part in my heart that likes me this way. and it likes me being all childish and needy and requiring care. basically, i guess some bad part of me likes seeing myself be victimized.
i sometimes look back on trauma and have,,,not so good thoughts on it depending on my mood. i dont really know if i want to elaborate on that.
basically, i'm fucked up. and i always will be. and i'm sorry.
well, no frowny faces here from now on, ok? i love you!
hugs! <3
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ੈ✩‧₊.﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌
₊❏❜ 🥛⋮Thoughtfulness~ ⌒⌒
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:::::::::::↺ ⌦,,so uh,, i opened up today to someone. i told him everything. i told him what hyunseok did to me. i told him how bad my hypersexuality is getting. i dont know how to feel anymore.
sometimes when my dad comes over hyunseok comes over too,,. he acts like nothing honestly,,i wonder if he remembers what happened. he has to right,,? i don't know. sometimes i even,,wonder if i should ask him to do it again. if there's someone reading this i guess i should,,explain
well, when i was younger my brother hyunseok and i were..close. he liked how feminine i am. he wanted to,,,do sexual things with me. i dont know if i can call it a rape,,even though i was only 8 and he was already 24. i,,wanted it. i begged him to keep doing it. it only ended when i was about 13. i feel a lot of shame about it, and i feel gross for wanting it to happen again. i'm gross. ugh.
well...i guess that's all for now! well until next time,,seeya!
hugs! <3
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ੈ✩‧₊.﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌
₊❏❜ 🥛⋮Bliss~ ⌒⌒
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:::::::::::↺ ⌦uh,,hi! so um, it's been a while. i don't track the dates but trust me, it has! so um, i got diagnosed with DID a while back and i've been stressing a lot because i dont,,have alters? i mean i have different personalities, but they arent really separate people than myself. its hard to explain! but i've categorized them and figured out the reasons as to why they even exist. i feel crazy i hate this. ugh. i'm tired of having all these personality disorders. why? i dont want to be crazy. please tell me i'm not crazy.
please.
i just want it all to go away. i want the voices to go away. i want these feelings to go away. i want the confusion to go away. i want the suicidal thoughts to go away. someone make it go away please. i dont want to die! i dont want to leave everyone i love. i dont want to live in a world without my kids. my friends. my brother. i cant. but i cant control my head anymore,,sometimes i cant even control my body anymore. i feel suicidal when i dont want to be,,if that makes sense. i dont want to die.
help me