WILDFIRE
By Aysia Anderson (a.k.a. Nikki)

Chapter Twenty-Nine: Dear Goodbye

I just get so scared sometimes because I keep thinking to myself, what if love is not enough? What if this relationship doesn’t survive? I don’t want to live my life without him. I know that I don’t want that but how am I supposed to continuously deny what he did? How am I supposed to wake up every morning, roll over, and look into his eyes knowing that he hasn’t been faithful to me?

Staring out, depressed about
What words I have to plead
So torn apart

I never thought that I would be in this kind of situation. I never fathomed that the one person that makes me feel so good, makes me feel so beautiful, could also be the person that makes me feel so useless and unnecessary. He keeps coming to me, begging for my forgiveness, and telling me that he loves me more than life itself. If he loves me so much then why did he do it? Why would he even look at another woman?

Shattered by impressions of
Confessions in defeat
My broken heart

I’ve had my opportunities to see other men but I never acted on any of those impulses. When Usher showed up at one of my concerts before we got married I didn’t jump on him and get my last freedom sex on. When Trace tried to make a move on me I didn’t say, “Oh, what the hell, lets do this”! There is no excuse for that!

So maybe my mother was right... Maybe love just isn’t enough to keep to people together. Maybe I should have just stayed with David and cut him out of my life when he first became so much of a problem in my heart. It would have been better for him to have hurt me then as to this pain that he is causing me now. At least, before I married him, it could have been more expected.


Crying, desperate, fighting
Questions scared to let go

I'm weary from the war
I'm losing half my soul
But the days go by and


“Camille, open the door!” Justin shouted irately and pounded his fists against the bedroom door.

“Fuck off!” She screamed back at him, her hands lightly pressed against the door, feeling the vibrations of his pounding.

As soon as they had arrived at their home she had cut the engine and ran inside. By the time that Justin had gotten to the top of the stairs she had already locked herself in their bedroom and had begun stripping out of the clothes that now reminded her of his infidelity with Alyssa and the conflict in the club. Now, as she stood in the darkness of their room, she wore only a pair of panties and the button-down shirt that he had wore the night that he had proposed to her. It was the only thing that she found to be untainted by his lies.

We used to be so beautiful
But the days go by and
Things get better

“Baby, I just want to talk this through so we can get back to being happy together. I want to go back to the way things used to be!”

“There is no going back from this point, Justin! There is…there’s…there’s no going back…”

Justin’s heart broke into a million tiny pieces as he heard her words. He could feel her pain seeping through the door and into his soul as his hands pressed against the opposite side of the wood separating them. It was almost as if he could feel the heat of her skin on the palms of her hands against his.

“Baby, please don’t make me go? Please?” He leaned his forehead against the door as Camille did the same on the other side, tears streaming down both of their faces. “We can make this work.”

“I don’t know how to ask you to go.”

“Then don’t, Camille, because I need you. Baby, you’re my air.”

Past the point of reasons
I just want you to believe
That it's not your fault

Camille took a deep breath and backed slowly away from the door. Justin felt instantly that she had moved because the heat that he had felt had faded into a dark and unsettling cold. The light coat of perspiration that had blanketed his body in his fit of rage to get inside the bedroom was now chilling him to the bone.

Broken, Camille sat down on the floor with her legs tucked off to her side in the cheerleader stance. Bringing her hands up to her face to wipe away her tears she let out a cry that brought her husband down to his knees in the hallway. Her entire body began to convulse as she cried harder, completely devastated, as if she had reverted back to being a child when crying had been a dramatic art form.

She leaned forward and propped her head up on her arms that were now crossed on the floor as memories flooded through her subconscious. She was remembering her relationship with David. She was remembering Usher. She remembered Nicole. But mostly, she was remembering every single moment that she and Justin had ever shared together.

Cry your eyes to sleep
It's like a thousand rainy nights
Oh, drowning lows

Photographs, the close up, what we had
Come undone

“If I win this game you have to marry me.” Justin challenged, licking his bottom lip as he dribbled his basketball against the cement court in his backyard, keeping his eyes on the young woman leaning against the black metal fencing.

“Where’s my ring at?” Camille raised a brow at him but didn’t move from her position.

“Oh, I’ll get you the ring so you don’t even worry about that.”

“What do I get if I win?”

Justin grinned and licked his bottom lip once again. “Then I marry you.”

Camille pushed herself off of the fence and came to stand in front of him, bringing her hand up above her eyes to block the sun. “What’s the difference then? You get what you want either way it goes.”

“That’s how the game works.” He shrugged. “Are you game?”

“What about what I want?”

“What do you want?”

“If I win we get married and you give me anything and everything that I could possibly imagine.” She stripped him of the ball and backed away from him, dribbling with ease.

“Give me some examples.” He watched her intently.

“Number one, I want your heart for always.”

“Check.”

“Number two, you never cheat on me.”

“Not a problem. Next?”

“Number three, if we have kids it’s an obligation for you to make me feel beautiful even if I’m the size of our house.”

Justin laughed at her words. “Okay then.”

“Number four…”

“Damn, how long is this list?!”

Camille rolled her eyes at him and passed him back the ball. “When you tell me that you love me you have to mean it. Don’t ever lie to me about anything.”

Justin looked down at the ground as he dribbled over to her and made a shot which he purposely missed. “I hope you win.” He looked over her face slowly, keeping his eyes on her full lips, before leaning down slightly to take them into his own. “I’ll never lie to you.”

“Do you promise?” She teetered on her toes and matched his kiss with one of her own.

“Cross my heart.”

Where did it all go wrong?
The days go by and
Things get better

“Heavenly father, I come to you to ask for your forgiveness for I have sinned.” Camille whispered as she struggled with her emotions. “I’ve lost track of the things that are important to me in my life and have gotten lost along the way. I need your strength, Lord, to see me through…”

Justin stood at Camille’s side rubbing his hand over her back as their daughter was baptized. A tremendous number of their family and friends had come out to view the special occasion. It seemed that nothing they did could ever quite me normal.

“Nicole Lynette Timberlake, I bless you in the name of the Father, the son, and the Holy Ghost…”Justin’s Grandfather began as he held their daughter and trickled water over her smiling face.

“Camille?” Justin called through the door after hearing a thick silence suffocating the house. “Cam?”

“No, Justin.”

“I just want to hold you right now, okay? I just want to hold you and look into your eyes. I have to know that you’re okay.”

“I’m okay.”

“Are you sure?”

Against her better judgment she pushed herself up and onto her hands and knees. Weakly she crawled over to the door and reached up, pausing for a moment, to unlock it. Once Justin heard the light click he turned the knob. When he saw her he crawled inside, kicking the door closed, and was immediately pulling her close.

Camille closed her eyes as he leaned back against the bed and pulled her body close to his. One arm wrapped securely around her while the other turned her head so that she would face him. Nervously she pulled her legs up to her chest and did everything within her power not to make eye contact with him.

“What did I do wrong?” She whispered. “What did I do to you?”

Justin shook his head. “You didn’t do anything.”

“Then why are we here?”

“I made a mistake, baby.”

“I think I’m about to make one myself.” Her eyes finally came to rest on his and his heart stopped beating. “I want you to leave.”

You hardened like a stone
To face the world alone
But the days go by and
Things get better

“I think I like being your boyfriend.” Justin commented as he pushed his feet against the ground before releasing the pressure and swinging into the air.

“Why is that?” Camille giggled, sitting in his lap and holding on to the chains of the park swings as they glided through the air.

“I don’t know. Things just feel different but in a good way.”

“Hold on, I’m about to spill this ice-cream.”

Justin slowly brought them to a stop and peered over her shoulder as she moved the small cup of ice cream from between her thighs and spun the spoon around in it. He began to lightly sway their swing side to side as she scooped some of the treat and turned slightly to feed it to him. He smiled, content, and pressed his now cold lips to her bare shoulder.

“Jesus!” she jerked at the cool sensation and turned once more to eye him suspiciously. “A little bit of warning next time, perhaps?”

“I can’t make any promises.”

“Then there is no more ice-cream for you!”

Justin watched as she scooped up a giant glob of the dairy dessert and purposely sucked it into her mouth bit by bit. A little flustered by the teasing he bit her gently on the shoulder causing her to glare at him. Taking the opportunity he cupped his hand over the side of her face and began to kiss her, tasting the remnants of the sweet dessert.

The kiss was slow and rhythmic as they sat together on the swing with the day melting away into the night. A million sensations shot through Camille as she felt Justin’s hand applying a light pressure to her abdomen as he rubbed her belly. She didn’t know whether to concentrate on his touches or on the soft feel of his lips alternating over her own. He ran the tip of his tongue over her top lip, inspiring a nervous giggle, before access was granted into her mouth.

Justin craned his neck, deepening the kiss, as her fingers trailed over the top of his ear. He wanted to laugh when he heard the ice cream cup plummet to the ground but found that kissing her was a lot more entertaining. As she started to stand up he stood with her, lips still locked together, and then sat back down as she straddled his hips on the swing and wrapped her arms around his broad shoulders.

Camille smiled against Justin’s lips failing completely at ignoring the fact that she could tell he was aroused beyond belief. She couldn’t help but to egg him on moaning softly into his mouth as his hands gripped onto her ass bringing her closer to him. After a while she was unsure of if he was getting swept up in the physical activity or if she was.

“Hey, don’t they look like Camille Henderson and Justin Timberlake?” The voice of a college aged girl asked a friend as they walked the pathway of the park.

Justin ended the kiss reluctantly at the mentioning of their names. “Shit.”

Camille giggled under her breath as he stood up from the swing set and took a step forward with her legs still wrapped around his middle. Lightly she placed her feet back on the ground and waved at the two college students that began to break into a series of ‘Oh, my goodness’. Justin nodded at them and winked before taking his girlfriend’s hand and leading her out of what they had assumed to be an empty park.

Exhausted of apologies
In search of something comforting
But the days go by and
Things get better

Brought out the best and worst in me
You gave your all unselfishly
But the days go by and

“Where do you want me to go?” He asked, completely dumbfounded that she could find the words to ask him to leave in the first place.

“I don’t know. I just can’t have you here right now.” Camille answered and forced herself up and out of his arms.

Justin watched wordlessly as she made her way into the bathroom, still wiping her tears, and closed the door. What could he have really expected? Was she supposed to award him for being a sneaky prick? This was what he deserved!

Oh, I could never replace
All the tenderest moments
They will always live right here
Inside me
My love will forever hold a place
For you
That's why I'm so confused, yeah

“How are you feeling?”

“Like the Pillsbury Dough Boy.” Camille answered, laying on her back in the middle of their bed, her bulging stomach exposed to the heavens. “How would you feel if you were probed and then swell up like a balloon?”

“From what I could tell,” Justin kicked off his shoes and crawled onto the bed over her, “you liked being probed.” He kissed her lips and then slid down to kiss the stomach housing his unborn child.

“Thanks for clearing that up for me, Mr. Timberlake.”

“No problem, Mrs. Timberlake.”

“That’s Henderson to you, buddy.” She stuck her tongue out at him.

“Your stage and maiden name, maybe, but the court documents clearly state Mrs. Justin…”

“…Timberlake.” She finished for him. “What did you bring me today?”

Justin grinned widely and jumped up from the bed. “Aren’t we an eager beaver?”

“Always, come on with it, lover boy!”

“Who wanted a Philly Cheese Steak sandwich?” he held up a greasy brown paper bag as his wife squealed with excitement and clapped her hands together. “Daddy takes care of mama, girl!”

“Oh, I could just eat you alive right now!” Camille reached out for the bag as he made his way to the side of the bed and sat down, opening the bag for her. “You are the best!”

“You mind if I have bite of this?” Justin asked, handing it over to her.

“Not if you don’t value your life. I know you, man. You had one before you even got here!”

“Oh, that is so untrue!”

“Then what is this?” Camille swiped her finger over the side of his face and showed him the edible evidence. “I rest my case.”

Girl, we used to be so beautiful
But the days go by and
Things get better

“I’m calling to book a flight to Orlando. Yeah, the soonest flight you have would be excellent.” Justin spoke in the handheld phone as he threw his belongings into a suitcase. “Any seating that you have available will be fine. You have the pin number, right? Okay thank you. You have a nice night.”

Camille sat on the end of the bed silently as he passed her to hang up the phone and go back to finish the task at hand. She wanted to scream out to him to tell him to stop. She wanted to pull him into her arms and tell him that no matter what he did that could be considered vile or putrid she would still love him just the same. She wanted to say so much but if she did she was just proclaiming out loud that he could walk all over her for the rest of their lives.

“How much do I need to pack, Camille? All of it?” He asked as he tossed things aimlessly into a large suitcase.

“How much do you want to take with you?”

“If I have to leave I would much rather just take you with me but that’s out of the question, right?”

“Justin, I did not choose this.” Her voice was pleading.

“How did you not choose this? You just fucking told me to leave, Camille!” He shouted.

“Whose fault is it that I would ever have to?”

Justin stared at her for a while with nothing to say. He knew she was right and there was no question. Still, he was searching for something, a thread of hope, that would change the course that they were about to follow.

“I thought we loved each other.” He shook his head and continued his job.

“We do but what does love have to do with it?”

“Everything!” He slammed one of his now empty dresser drawers closed.

“Obviously everything is not enough!”

I'm losing half my soul
To face the world alone
But the days go by and
Things get better

I remember thinking to myself in that moment that my life was completely over. I didn’t care about the music or the fans. I didn’t give a shit about my career or even the next day. All I cared about was this woman that I loved so much that I had caused such a deep pain within. I wanted to love it all away but I realized then that that was what the problem was in our relationship.

Camille and I talked. We talked about a lot of things and had a very open relationship. The only things that we weren’t talking about were the things that were wrong. If I ever hurt her I would just curb it by performing mind numbing sex on her. I thought that would end it but all it did was end the conversation. The pain would just come back later. The pain that she would cause me I would bottle up instead of letting her know that I was hurting. It was a downward spiral but it wasn’t the reason that I cheated on her. That was the biggest issue right there. There was no reason for it.

“If I could show you how much I love and cherish you then I would but honestly at this point I don’t think you would give a damn.”

Camille stared at Justin feeling as if her heart was going to explode in her chest. “You’ve been showing me how much you honestly love and cherish me the whole time and excuse me for interpreting your actions as not quite up to par.”

Justin nodded his head, “You may sit there right now with this nonchalant attitude like you don’t care but we both know it’s a front, okay? If you didn’t love me, love me deeply and intensely, you would have no emotion about it but you do. You’re crying because you love me. You’re upset because you love me and I’m standing here taking it all on because I love you too.” He cocked his head to the side and closed his eyes for a moment before opening them again. “If I didn’t love you, Camille, then hurting you would be easy. I didn’t tell you the truth because I didn’t want to see you cry. I didn’t want to be the reason that you were hurting.”

“Do you know how selfish that sounds right now?” She asked, keeping her tone light so that he knew that she wasn’t attacking him with her question but merely pointing out a fact. “You should have let me decide how I wanted to take it. Maybe then we wouldn’t be where we are right now. Maybe things would be perfect.” Camille sniffled as she watched him continue packing and her eyes began to water over once again. “I don’t know how to tell you goodbye, Justin!”

“Then fuck goodbyes, Camille.” He zipped his suitcase, pulled on his jacket and a cap, and grabbed his keys. “Let’s just leave it at I’ll see you later.”

“Justin, wait! No, wait!” Camille jumped up as he headed out of the room with his suitcase on his way down the stairs.

“Do you or do you not want me to go? What is going to be better for you?” He stopped in the hallway and turned to face her. “What’s going to be better for us?” Her silence answered his question in the way that he hoped that it wouldn’t. Though it pained him he kissed her lips softly several times before whispering his goodbye and continuing on his way. He was about to miss his flight to Orlando.

We're not the type to just give up
But I know that it's what's best for us
The days go by and
Things get better

“I want to feel like this every day for the rest of our lives.” Justin breathed in the tropical air swirling into their bedroom of the cottage in Caribe Cay as Camille lay at his with half of her body covering his.

“How do you feel?” She whispered as his fingers traced the skin of her bare leg that was draped over the lower half of his body.

“I don’t know. The only way I can think to describe it is…” His eyes began to close as the sleep that he had missed the night before began to fall down upon his weakened form.

Camille sat up, the sheets barely covering her body, and struggled for his attention. His eyes snapped back open to see her. “Is what?” she asked.

“I feel love and I don’t want it to ever stop.”

“It never goes away. Even in the worst of times it’s always right here,” she tapped the pad of her index finger to the left side of his chest right over his heart.

////

“Those first few nights that Camille had to spend without Justin tormented her.” Linda’s chin quivered with emotion as she thought back to the pain she had had to see her only child go through. “She was just so broken, you know? She didn’t want to send him away but it was something that she knew she had to do. How could she heal with him there?”

“Why couldn’t they have healed together?” Gary asked.

“How can you get better when the thing that is hurting you is always around? You need to put the blade away in a drawer and stop cutting your own arm.”

////

We'll pass some crossing roads
Surviving on our own
But the days go by and...

“Mom, can I come and stay with you?” Camille cried into the phone. “No, I can’t stay here anymore. I can’t be here when he’s not here with me! No, no, no! I’m having really crazy thoughts right now and I’m scared that if I don’t leave…then can you come now? Please?”

“You know what’s so special about you and me, baby?” Justin asked, kissing her fingers.

“What’s that?” Camille watched him intensely as they sat before the roaring fire.

“We’re authentic. We’re real. We don’t get caught up in all of that nonsense that brings other couples down.”

“Oh, really?”

“Yeah, we know what’s important.” He nibbled the end of her finger cutely.

“Why don’t you tell me about it?” She snickered as he began massaging her hand again.

“Well, when a boy falls in love with a girl and when that girl falls in love with him right back magical things can happen. They begin to share this unbreakable bond and nothing can come between them. It’s that love that they share for one another that keeps things going and will never let it end.”

Camille leaned forward suddenly and kissed his lips. “Justin, I love you.”

“Always…”He breathed, kissing her back passionately.

--Song Credit, JC Chasez, Dear Goodbye --

Sweet Goodbye...