The Gundam Boys: Off Duty =P 

(The Homepage of Duo and Quatre)

brings you...

CELL PHONE CAPERS

Everyone owns one, but they don't know what to do with them! That's right...cell phones. As some people say....

Duo: I NEED a cell phone. I'm just too popular, you know?

Quatre: My sisters make me carry one. They say that, with the lifestyle I am leading with Duo, I will most likely get hurt...or go missing. I try to keep long-distance calls to a minimum, though, because of the phone bills. I don't think my sisters understand my reasoning yet. *Phone goes off, playing one of  Disney's Aladdin songs* Oops.... Hello? (starts talking to his sister)

Wufei: Cell phones are for weaklings.... Wait. Does that make me a weakling too? Someone, take this weak thing away! (holds cell phone by the antenna as if it's cursed)

Trowa: Do not call me. I am not here. (his phone starts ringing. Trowa ignores it.)

Heero: Oh. That thing? It's somewhere. (Relena is calling him. Heero can't hear it, because it's buried underneath all his junk)

See how useful cell phones are? The G-Boys use them everyday! First of all, we shall examine this phenomenon closely. Let us start by introducing the models....

	Quatre's phone is the beautiful Sony Ericsson T68i (wow, whata mouthful, like Quatre's name!) Its features include: A whopping 780 min. of talk time for when his sisters call him to make sure he is still alive! (Quatre gets at least 29 of these a day) World Phone so, wherever he goes in the universe, they will always find him! (Um...sorry, sisters, but I'm currently in a gundam battle right now.... Can I call you back?) Small buttons for Quatre's dainty fingers Full-colour screen (so that Quatre can still see through his blasted goggles!) Baby-blue faceplate to match his eyes! Awww.... Memory for storing pictures (so that he will always be able to look back at his homeland.... "Oh, look! There's my camel!") Price: $200
	For Duo, only the Nokia 9290 Communicator can meet all his needs! This hefty phone includes: 600 min. of talk time with conference calling of up to 5 people because we all know how Duo loves to talk so much! (Hey! That's not true! Oh, excuse me, I have another call coming in....) E-mail access (never again will Duo hog the computer!) Web page browsing (Um...um.... I'm not looking at X-rated sites, hehe *conveniently snaps phone closed*) Big keypad (so that it will help Duo make even more garbled sentences than he usually does!) MultiMedia Card expansion slot (just so Duo can play games! Even when he's in battle!) Sharp colour screen (so that, even in the dark, Duo can still play games!) IR (infra-red) port (so that when Duo's bored, he could download more crap onto his phone!) Price: $599 (Duo's still trying to pay off his bills for downloading all those games)
	Only Trowa could understand the magic of using the Handspring Treo 180g for Graffiti writers! This minimalistic phone includes: Graffiti handwriting technology! Trowa is just too cool to deal with buttons. Large, see-through, flip lid so that Trowa can identify who's calling him without answering the phone! (or, without answering the phone at all....) A switch for easily turning off the phone's ringer! (*ahem* self-explanatory) Lid doubles as protective covering (for when Trowa gets mad at his noisy phone and starts stomping on it. Eep!) One-touch speaker phone mode (for when the lid gets stuck after trampling on it) Automatically opens to the speed-dial menu (can you tell Trowa doesn't like buttons?) Only 150 min. of talk time (that's self-explanatory too) Price: $399
	You guessed it! It's Heero's Ericsson T18z! As CNET wireless says, "This phone is perfect for someone who doesn't want anything too complicated." If anything, it includes: 300 min. of talk time. Again, not too little or not too much. Small and lightweight, so that it could easily slip into Heero's tights! Vibrating capabilites (Heero's tights start vibrating; Heero digs the phone out. "Stop calling me, Relena." People stare.) Price: $199
	Since Wufei finds cell phones weak, then only the Samsung Uproar can meet his demands! This phone/MP3 player includes: 64MB of MP3 storage so that Wufei can conveniently carry his "phone" while he's doing a 100 mile jog! Bi-lingual menus (for when Wufei is just too darn tired of reading English! "Wei?") Voice-activated dialing (so that he will have an excuse for yelling at his "weak" phone!) Wireless web access (Darn it! I lost the bet on the horse races again!) Retro look (If Wufei must have a weak phone, then at least it's a COOL weak phone) 200 min. of talk time but who needs it when you're listening to MP3's? Price: $399

Well, now that we have introduced the phones, let us take a look at how they are used! We shall start with...

Wufei Chang

Wufei: (on his daily 100 mile jog) *puff puff* (his phone suddenly rings to the theme of Mulan, interrupting his MP3 listening. Snaps it open irritably) Yes? What do you want?

Duo: Hey Wu-wu, it's me! (also on his cell phone)

Wufei: Who is "me"?

Duo: Duo!

Wufei: (snaps phone closed)

Well, that was fast!

Let us try somebody else.... Quatre?

Quatre: (is painting a picture in the park. He hears the theme of Disney's Aladdin) Uh, oh. (carefully puts down paint brush and digs around in his vest pocket) Hel...Hello?

Quatre's Sister #1: Hi, Quatre! I just wanted to know what's up?

Quatre: Oh, nothing much. I am working on a painting.

Quatre's Sister #1: Well, that's nice. Okay, that's all I wanted to know. Bye!

Quatre: Um...bye. (phone rings again) Hello?

Quatre's Sister #2: Hi, Quatre! What are you doing?

Quatre: Uh...I am painting.

Quatre's Sister #2: Good boy. See you later!

Quatre: Okay. Bye. (phone rings again) Hello? *wearily*

Quatre's Sister #3: Hi, Quatre! You're not hanging out with Duo, are you?

Quatre: Hopefully not.

Quatre's Sister #3: Good. Just wanted to make sure. Bye!

Quatre: Bye. (phone rings again) Yes?

Quatre's Sister #3: Are you sure?

Quatre: *trying not to snap his paintbrush in two* Yes.

Quatre's Sister #3: 'Kay. Bye!

(phone rings again. Quatre chucks it in the lake.)

Unfortunately for Quatre, this is an everyday occurrence. When Quatre woke up the next morning, a new Sony Ericsson T68i was waiting on his doorstep. From his sisters, of course.

For Trowa, it is a different story.

Trowa: (has taken his phone and is now doodling using the Graffiti technology. He is sitting beneath a tree. Someone calls him but the phone is on "silent" mode. It never rings. Trowa continues doodling)

How exciting!

But what is REALLY exciting is examining this specimen....

Duo: (his phone makes the loudest, most obnoxious sound. Waits for people to turn around and look at him.) Oh, is that for me? (Casually picks it up) Duo Maxwell here, God of Death. You have 10 seconds

Duo Fan: Hi Duo, will you go out with me?

Duo: Sure baby, anytime! (saves girl's phone # in his cell's overflowing address book. Phone rings again) Yeeeello?

Marketer: Hi, Duo. Stocks have gone down.

Duo: REALLY? Then buy me 200 shares! STAT!

Marketer: Righty-o.

Duo: (starts examining the U.S. and Tokyo stock exchange on his phone. He has no idea what he is looking for. But who cares? Starts checking out his email too. In other words - multitasking. Gets bored and starts playing games. Boop. Beep. Boop)

(phone runs out of batteries)

Duo: Darn it!

Alas, Duo, you can only do so much on your phone.

Speaking of doing much....

Heero: (dialing on his cell...slowly)

Pizza Hut: Hello, what would you like to order today?

Heero: I would like a Supreme Super Duper Deluxe Pizza with all the toppings. Hold the cheese.

Pizza Hut: Hold the...you can't hold the cheese!

Heero: .... So?

Pizza Hut: All pizzas have cheese!

Heero: So?

Pizza Hut: Why don't you try one of our breads?

Heero: I want pizza.

Pizza Hut: Alright. One Supreme Super Duper Deluxe coming right up!

Heero: But....

(hangs up)

Heero: (glares at his phone. Then starts digging around in the fridge for some tuna fish sandwich. He accidentally leaves his phone in the fridge)

Well, it could have been worse. Heero once accidentally left his phone in the garbage can when he was taking out the trash.... He ended up chasing the garbage truck for a mile, just to get his phone back.

Now for the great debate. Antenna up or down?

Quatre: My cell phone doesn't have an antenna. (Starts looking at his cute little cell phone, that is just as cute as he is!) No. I don't have an antenna.

Duo: Antenna? What antenna? My antenna's built in! Of course, I could always install an extractable one.... *starts thinking about suping up his already outrageously overloaded phone...then it runs out of batteries*

Trowa: I have an antenna? (Starts looking for his antenna. Completely misses it)

Heero: Who cares?

Wufei: Antenna up of course! Who knows what radiation these weakling phones are capable of? (Pulls up his antenna, even when he's not using the phone)

You've seen them. We have all seen them. Those delightful cell phone straps are becoming the latest craze since cargo pants. And this fad has not overlooked the G-Boys (especially Duo, who loves to give his phone EVERY fandangled thing). Shall we take a peek then?....

Surprising? Not really. While we are on the topic of accessories, let us move right on to 3D holograms. Yes, they are those freakish things that people paste onto their phone screens for ABSOLUTELY NO REASON AT ALL. We have allowed the G-Boys to take their own pick of designs....

Ahhh, we see that the boys really love their 3D holograms.

And how fast are you at sending text messages?

Quatre: *Click click click click click click click click* (Has swiftly written: "I love you") I have to send about 29 of these a day.

Duo: Um.... (is trying to write "hello" with the help of his keyboard) ...oh, drat, I spelled it wrong, lemme try again.... Oh, oops. Let's see....

Wufei: Grrrr.... These dratted buttons! How am I supposed to write a sentence using only 10 buttons?! (accidentally pushes 4 at once) Quatre! You do this for me!

Trowa: (Swiftly writes something onto his Handspring Treo: "Once upon a time there lived 3 brown bears who lived in the forest....etc etc....and they lived happily ever after, the end.")

Heero: I can't text message. My phone does not have that function.

And what is the worst thing that you have ever done to your phone?

Quatre: I lent it to Heero.

Duo: Are you kidding? I would never do anything bad to my precious phone! (cradles his precious phone) Oh. Except for that one time that I tried emailing, text messaging, talking, surfing, and playing games all at the same time. It exploded. I wonder why?

Wufei: Once, when I was doing a workout, I accidentally dropped the barbells onto it. Then I went on the treadmill and didn't realize it got caught in the belt. No wonder it was so hard to tread that day! After the workout, I went to wash my pants but forgot it was in the pocket. And, even through all that, Duo still manages to call me!

Trowa: I left Momo alone.

Heero: I dropped it in the toilet. Oh, wait. That was Quatre's.

The expert can hold their phone between their ear and their shoulder blade. Can you do it?

Quatre: What did you say? (is talking to his sister while the phone is cradled between his ear and shoulder blade)

Duo: (tries to do it. Accidentally snaps his neck) OW!!

Wufei: I don't understand the point of your question. (answers his phone by using his mouth-ear set)

Trowa: (tries to do it. Falls out. Tries to do it again. Falls out. Opens the flip lid and tries again. Phone stays)

Heero: (wraps the Doraemon strap firmly around his ear and tilts his head) Does this count?

And, if we were to bury your phone among a million other phones of the same make and model, would you be able to identify it?

Quatre: I just pick up the one that rings the most.

Duo: Does it really matter? They're all good!

Wufei: I would pick up the one with its antenna sticking up.

Trowa: Where's Momo?!

Heero: It's probably the one at the very bottom of the pile. My phone tends to do things like that.

And finally, on a scale of 1 to 10, what would you rate your phone?

Quatre: 9. I would give it 10, but the service is too good that my sisters would still be able to reach me at the edge of the universe.

Duo: 8. My fish sucks crap and I can't even do 5 things on it at once without it blowing up on me!

Wufei: 10. Everything I use is always the best. Except for that darn radiation....

Trowa: 2. I don't like phones. But I like Momo.

Heero: 5. It's so small that I always keep losing it. Now, where did it go? (Heero is looking around. Phone is still dangling from his ear)

Well, there you have it. True accounts of cell phone usage from normal, everyday people.

As a "thank you" for your participation, you will all get gifts!

Quatre: Really? How nice!

Duo: Yay! More stuff to add to my phone!

Wufei: Whoopee.

So, are you all happy with your gifts?

Everyone but Duo: No!

We thought so. Meanwhile, happy calling!

The End

=P

(or is it?)

(Heero's phone vibrates and jingles, setting off all sorts of alarms)

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