OurStory

No one can prepare you for the words "it appears your baby is not alive." These are the words we heard on June 12, 2000, they day before I was to deliver our son by induction.

Our lives were forever changed that day. Until then we had spent the previous nine months planning, preparing and dreaming of the day our baby would arrive. My friends, family and co-workers could talk of nothing else - suddenly we were not 'Scott and Stacie', we were 'mommy and daddy' and it was wonderful!
My pregnancy was textbook, slight nausea in the beginning and a little heartburn were my only complaints. All of the standard tests along the way came back normal and the only thing I worried about was what color to paint the nursery.

I had my first ultrasound on February 2, 2000 at five months, and this is when we found out that we were having a boy! The excitement of that day was amazing. I think we laughed and cried simultaneously when we actually saw him on the screen, wiggling around and showing off. My second ultrasound was April 20, 2000 at seven months, and again nothing unusual to report. At that time he was approximately six pounds, so we knew we were going to have a big boy. By then we were pretty well prepared, we had the nursery done and enough clothes, diapers and supplies to last a year! I was so excited all I wanted to do was to shop, shop, and shop some more.

Since we live in a rural area, about 40 miles from the hospital, everyone thought it would be best to schedule his delivery and be induced. I went to the doctor on Thursday June 8th and was told that I was dilated about 2 centimeters. Again, all looked great and I made an appointment for my final office visit on Monday June 12th.

Since I was full term Seth was not moving all that much since he really didn't have much room whatsoever to maneuver. I didn't think much of it and all through the weekend I could feel him move every so often so I wasn't concerned. When we went to the doctors office on Monday they checked me and I was 3 centimeters dilated but when they checked for the heartbeat the doctor had a hard time locating it so he wanted to do an ultrasound just to make sure all was OK. When the doctor left the room I distinctly remember telling Scott that I thought I heard the heartbeat and our son would be here tomorrow! We were so excited we were practically jumping up and down!

We went into another room where the ultrasound equipment was and as soon as I saw our baby's body on the screen I knew there was a problem. Where his little heart should have been beating away, there was nothing. I panicked. I said "Doctor! Where is his heartbeat!" Scott was standing there in shock; we were both so confused. The doctor told us he was going to get one of his partners because she is much better at ultrasounds and he darted out of the room. Moments latter he came back with his partner and after a few seconds of her looking she gave us the news - "it appears your baby is not alive, I'm sorry."

We were in absolute shock. No screams of emotion, no crying - just disbelief.

The doctor gave us some time alone and when he left the room I remember breaking down in Scott's arms. I kept saying over and over that I did not want to do this, I did not want to give birth to my son knowing that he is gone. How were we going to get through this?

The next morning at the hospital we prepared to say hello and goodbye to our beautiful baby boy. On June 13, 2000 at 10:38am and after five hours of labor he arrived. He weighed 9 pounds 5 ounces and was 22 inches long. He was perfect.

We did have an autopsy to try to determine a cause but they found nothing conclusive. Blood clotting in the placenta and umbilical cord was found but they could not determine if that was the cause of death or if it was post mortem. Blood work has been done on both Scott and I but nothing has been found.

I simply can't put into words how much we long to have our little boy with us. To watch him grow, see his smile, to look into his eyes. When we found out that we were pregnant our world changed. All the hopes and dreams of the future started at that moment. We certainly did not expect to be going home from the hospital with empty arms.

The hurt will always be a part of us and it has redefined who we are. We have learned to move on and to laugh again but the pain and loss will always be with us.

You are in our hearts Seth Ryan and someday we will be together again. We miss you!

Love mommy and daddy