simpsons

Ralph: "Uh, Ms. Hoover? My worm went in my mouth and then I ate it. Can I have another?"

Homer: "Are you gonna send out the dogs, or the bees? Or maybe the dogs with the bees in their mouths, that when they bark, they shoot bees at you!"

Troy McClure (filmstrip): "Have you ever wondered why fat parents have fat children? Or why Chinese parents have Chinese children?"

some guy: "You call that a knife? This is a knife!"
Bart: "That's not a knife, that's a spoon."
some guy: "Alright, alright, you win. I see you've played knifey-spooney before!"

Homer: "So I thought to myself, 'What would God do in this situation?'"
Bart: "Locusts! They'll drive him nuts!"
Homer: "It's all in the Bible, son. It's the prankster's Bible!"

The Cletus Theme Song
"Some folk'll never eat a skunk,
But then again some folk'll,
Like Cletus, The slack-jawed yokel!"

"Some folk'll never lose a toe,
But then again some folk'll,
Like Cletus, The slack-jawed yokel!"

Homer: God is teasing me! Just like he teased Moses in the desert!
Marge: *Tested,* Homer. God *tested* Moses.

[Bart's looking for his dog.]
Willy: Yeah, I bought your mutt -- and I 'ate 'im! [Bart gasps.] I 'ate 'is little face, I 'ate 'is guts, and I 'ate the way 'e's always barkin'! So I gave 'im to the church.
Bart : Ohhh, I see... you HATE him, so you gave him to the church.
Willy: Aye. I also 'ate the mess he left on me rug. [Bart stares.] Ya heard me!

Bart: What a day, eh, Milhouse? The sun is out, birds are singing, bees are trying to have sex with them -- as is my understanding...

Moe: They think they're so high and mighty, just because they never got caught driving without pants.

[Lisa tells Homer about Thomas Edison]
Homer: No one man can do all that. You're a liar, honey. A dirty, rotten liar.

Homer: Maybe, just once, someone will call me "sir" without adding, "you're making a scene."

Newspaper editor: We're looking for a new food critic, someone who doesn't immediately pooh-pooh everything he eats.
Homer: Nah, it usually takes a few hours.

Homer: Marge, you're my wife and I love you very much. But you're living in a world of make-believe. With flowers and bells and leprechauns, and magic frogs with funny little hats.

Homer: God, if you really are God, you'll get me tickets to that game.
[doorbell rings]
Ned: Heidely-ho, neighbor. Wanna go to the game with me? I got two tick--
Homer: [slams the door, looks heavenward] Why do you mock me, O Lord?
Marge: Homer, that's not God. That's just a waffle that Bart tossed up there.
[Marge scrapes it off the ceiling into Homer's hands]
Homer: I know I shouldn't eat thee, but -- [bites] Mmm, sacrilicious.

[Homer tries to call the nuclear power plant]
Voice on Phone: The fingers you have used to dial are too fat. To obtain a special dialing wand, please mash the keypad with your palm now.

[A very young Ranier Wolfcastle in a TV commercial]
Ranier Wolfcastle: My bratwurst has a first name. / It's F-R-I-T-Z / My bratwurst has a second name. / It's S-C-H-N-A-C-K-E-N-P-H-E-F-F-E-R-H-A-U-S-E-N

[Moe is making a fortune from Homer's drink recipe.]
Marge: Well, Homer, maybe you can take some consolation in the fact that something you created is making so many people happy.
Homer: Ooh, look at me! I'm making people happy! I'm the magical man from Happyland, in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane! [walks out, slams door, then sticks head back in] Oh, by the way: I was being sarcastic.
Marge: Well, duh.

Homer's ghost: Marge you gotta help me, I have to do one good deed to get into heaven.
Marge: Well I got a whole list of chores: clean the garage, paint the house...
Homer's ghost: Whoa whoa whoa. I'm just trying to get in, I'm not running for Jesus.