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Tina: Now it's time for an old favorite here at Weekend Update- "Point/Counterpoint". Here to debate tonight are Yankee shortstop Derek Jeter, and Boston Red Sox fan, Seth Meyers. Tonights topic on "Point/Counterpoint": "Derek Jeter Sucks" "No I Don't". Derek, why don't we start with you. Derek: Thanks Tina. I know my friend Seth Meyers here is a Red Sox fan, and that's great. The fans really are what keep Major League Baseball going. But I hope Seth can see that I play hard all the time, and I always do my best for the team. Tina: Seth, counterpoint? Seth: YOU SUCK!! Tina: Seth, you still have like, 30 seconds. Seth: I'll elaborate. Jeter, you suck in three very specific ways. So hard, so bad, and wicked bad. Tina: Derek, response? Derek: Well, I've heard this argument before, Seth. In fact, Red Sox fans have been nice enough to share this argument with me every time I play in Boston. Or walk in Boston. Or go on a date in a fancy restaurant in Boston. Also, sometimes they drive to Baltimore, when we play the Orioles, to tell me I suck. [Seth starts chanting DEREK! in Derek's ear] But if you look at my numbers, you'll find that I'm a very productive shortstop. Seth, what are you doing? You've been following me around all week screaming at me. Seth: I'm sorry Derek... really... I really am. It's just you and people just like you ruined m entire childhood. So I swore that if I ever got within six feet of a real Yankee, I'd kick his ass. But then I saw you. And I knew that that cound not happen. But thankfully, this can happen... YOU SUCK! Derek: Seth, I don't suck. I've won four World Series rings in 6 years. Seth: Valid point. But if there was a World Series of sucking, you'd have like a hundred rings! Derek: What?? Alright, look, Nomar Garciaparr's a great player. Is it ok to say HE sucks? Seth: [sad] What... did you say...? Derek: I don't think he sucks, I'm trying to prove a point! Seth: [crying] Well, why would you say that...? You said that Nomar... he has a broken wrist... and he's so nice... and he's like my best friend! Derek: Seth, Seth... I'm sorry. Is there anything I can do to make you feel better? Seth: Will you come play for Boston? Derek: No, no. Seth: Will you sign my hat? Derek: Sure man, no problem. Seth: Will you sign it as Nomar? Derek: Whatever, whatever... [signs the hat] Seth: Thanks Derek. You know, you don't suck. Derek: Thanks Seth. You do suck a little. Seth: I know, I know... Tina: This has been "Point/Counterpoint". |
