RoadTripWeekTwo

Day 4-5: Memphis!

Ok so my idea of Memphis was tainted. One friend of mine, Kelly, bless her heart tells me all the women there have VD and I don�t want any part of that. Good advice.
I also read an article that crime in Memphis was almost as bad as New Orleans. Elvis and the Hoods!

Our campground was ok � it was a block over from Graceland and had a dinky pool. Bugs were bad there too but nothing like Panama City.

SO much for good Samaritans: Mencher had his laundry detergent ganked from the laundry room. Suppression #2: He had borrowed it from someone else.

Thing you think I wouldn�t do: Go to Graceland! I did. He had bad d�cor taste�but so did everyone in the 70s.

Limo dinner: We got picked up at our campsite in ugly old pink Limo�s to take us 2 miles to Marlowes B-Bar Q where they had a pig on an open viewing spit, right next to our table with an Elvis life size next to it.

Ive got a picture of this! I don�t dig on no swine!
The next day we all went on a riverboat cruise which was cool but this boat was no luxury liner by any means. At night we headed to downtown Memphis � Beale Street which was pretty neat � the streets were wide and blocked off.

Lie #39: Said to me as I�m about to walk in to a jazz club �Did you get that beer from next door?� (As Im holding a 32oz cup)� My response �Yes!� (kinda, it came from 2 blocks down!) � so I kept getting funny looks from the waitress inside but hey, the doorman and me were down!

Another thing unlikey: I danced to a Prince song and gave the �DJ point acknowledgement� when the cover band played Cameo�s �Word Up� (hi Tammy!)

That night Joleene (crazy fun girl from the UK, looks like Scary Spice, but not scary and she�d kick my ass if I ever said she beared resemblance) and I drank a bit and I think that night was the one where I was hurtin� in the morning.

Interesting tour: Memphis Police Station museum. I�ve got a nice picture in the jail cell.

Unlikely place to meet an Israeli: Our camp bathroom in Memphis

Days 6-7: Nashville. Yeehaw!

The camp site was much better than Memphis � it had this rustic farm life charm about it.

Our first night we took a tour of the Opryland hotel � a monster of monster hotels! The place had some Cigar conference so these fat ass stoogie puff daddies were leaving Cohibas everywhere. I smelled like a cheap Swisher Sweet. Hell worse than that.

The next day we toured downtown Nashville. I opted out of the Country Music Hall of Fame since I struggled to name 5 C/W singers. Oh well. Instead I took a walking tour � the city was really nice and I was surprised. I was expecting something totally different (ie � backward ass).

Mencher and I went to a Brewery and ordered the �Sampler� � 7 or 8 4oz samples of all their beers. I recommend this highly. The beer connoisseurs that we were(n�t), we ended up getting 2 more different types (my idea of a good beer is one that is free). I don�t think Mencher or I realized what we were drinking however who cares. Sitting outdoors on the main drag people watching was good enough for me.

That night we returned for a night on the town. The group wanted to go line dancing and of course you know how well that went over with me. However I can understand, you just don�t have many line dancing opportunities in Austria, I suppose. So I went out on my own (looking like a true city slicker, Florida style). I march myself right into the �Stage� Saloon and saddle up to the bar like in a Western movie�.except the bartender wasn�t the short fat bald guy you see in those movies but some fake racked southern piece of hotness��.a nice tall drink of water.

So next to me is this dark blue Wrangler wearing, plaid polyester, cowboy boot and hat complete with big ass belt buckle 60+ ODB. The contrast between him and I was a site to see. Well being the fearless one, I engaged in conversation with the Cowboy ODB who turned out to be a truck driver.

I once heard the phrase, �colored folk� in a movie, I think it was Remember the Titans (I�m still pissed that guy got in that car wreck. Anyways!) SO he tells me about a �colored� people�s strip bar and how he blew 500 bucks there. I couldn�t believe I was hearing this conversation (I wouldn�t say listen, the band was pretty loud. Yeehaw). He invites me to go partying with him and says he will drop me off at 4AM to the camp!

Ever see Deliverance? HELL NO! I�m not partying with Travis ODB!! Sooooo�

Lie I never thought I�d use/tell: I told him I had a girlfriend whom I was meeting in a half hour and she doesn�t like me going to strip clubs with strangers I was laughing the whole way out the door on that one!

I found the only techno playing club within walking distance and drank cheap ass beers there for an hour while this 45 year old club wench Biz was trying to mack on me! No thanks, Mom.

I then caved in and went to the club where the rest of the group was. It was a bit empty but there were honies everywhere. This was the time I really needed a true WINGMAN!! Mencher was back at camp so I was flyin� solo. The other international male contingency didn�t seem to have any interest in being the Seth sidekick so I had to fly solo to no avail. We left 30 minutes later�.

Speaking of caves�we went to Mammoth National Park to do a cave exploration. When I saw the trip length of only � of a mile, I was wondering if we were on the kiddie tour however I was assured that it was the most challenging trek available. After being bussed out there with about 30 Mennonites (think Weird Al) our pseudo comic Ranger, Walt led us in this hole in the ground.

Dank. Dark. And if you fell, you�d sleep with the (blind, eyeless) cave fishes. There�s something to be said about looking down and wondering where the bottom really was. This time I was glad I was short as I didn�t have to duck as much and my svelte ass was able to slid through the turns easily.

Walt turned off the lighting system in the cave and I guarantee getting out of there without light is as likely Hulk Hogan testing negative for steroids.

Here�s a dose of Walt humor: �You may notice some writing on the rocks. Back in the 1940s, that was called graffiti. Today we call that a federal offense!� You go, Walt! Kate from Korea was digging on Walt � I think she just liked men in uniform. I did some hot female Rangers as well � I�ve added them on my list of professions to make out with. �You wanna steal picnic basket?�

I wanted to briefly note Mencher arranged a surprise tour at the Corvette factory in Bowling Green, Kentucky. For an hour we saw the whole design process which was pretty interesting. Even more so was the factory workers checking out the women in the tour group � they must not get out much. I didn�t see many Corvettes in the parking lot either, confirming my suspicions that they don�t get free cars for working there. F � that!

Bugs I�d be ok if I never saw another: Yellow jackets.

Forest animal porn-cam: We spoke with a park ranger on a trail we hiked who was fixing a web-cam in the park. I bet he�s checking out the chipmunks.

Day 8-9: The Great Smoky Mountains

Mencher got us booked right in the middle of this amazing national park. Of course we made the sacrifice of hot water and showers! This was bear country and we had to be on the look out for Yogi who wanted to gank our meager rations.

# of bear sitings in the Smokies: None

Act of stupidity #33: We went swimming in this river that was as cold as this Biz I tried to get a date with forever in high school but hell would freeze over before that would happen. Cold. That wench. Ok so anyway, it was fukin cold.

After some prodding I decided to be #2 to go in. Wearing my newly bought cheap ass Walmart sandals, I thought I was invincible. Wrong. Not paying attention to wear I was walking in the river lead to me falling into some sort of river bed hole and consequently giving me a good gash scraping on the outside of my left leg. This did not look pretty by any means and almost 4 weeks later, it still hasn�t totally healed up. Being relatively scar free, I�ve added a rare beauty � great conversation.

Being the jackass that I was, I remained in the water thinking that the 50 degree�s would have sooth and heal the wound. I don�t know where I got off on this medicine hat thought but later when I was white water rafting I found out that the river I was on was high in contaminates, mainly piggy poo. One more reason not to dig on swine, sucka!

We did find one of Barbie�s hot ass Biz�s in the river � she had red hair and pretty much was a dead ringer for a friend of mine (hi Kristen). As you may or may not know, I�m a sucker for a red head in distress. Ok so she was a plastic doll with her boobs showing through her scanty bikini � however though I rescued her from being a dog toy, we left her behind�the post script is we returned to go swimming (where this time I jumped in off rocks � yeah, stupidier) and we found her. I deemed her SunTrek Suzy and she remained a tent ornament along with a plastic deer I found. Our territory has been marked.

Locations not to do job interviews: side of a highway outside the Smoky Visitor center�my cell phone barely picked up reception and hung up 3 times on the interviewer�scary enough, I got a second interview�which I did on the side of a highway a week later near Atlantic City.

Battle wound #2: While in the bathroom of the Visitor Center, I went to hang up my back pack on a hook and got my finger caught in the hook which ripped a nice size piece out of middle finger�this one proved to be a bigger pain in some ways but it healed faster than my hip-hop leg wound (I wore one leg up like LL Cool J).

We did several awesome hikes, one where we were over 6000 feet above sea level (try taking a leak at that level), another where we did a 2 mile up muddy hill and rocks. Here Mencher and I did a vertical rock climb not for the timid. We�ve got some great pics of this act of bravery�and lastly a midnight hike to a waterfall where Mencher kept stepping on snails (likely some rare Smoky Mountain species) and Kate telling us how she likes to eat them. Jung Ho fell on the water fall rock area where it said �Do not climb, deaths have occurred from falls� sign � I�d say he was about 10 feet from being a bear carpet.

If you have never been to the Smoky Mountains, I highly recommend this. If youre not the outdoor adventurer, the nearby city of Gatlinberg is a tourist haven with plenty of hotels and chintzy schlock. It�s les than 10 miles from many of the good hiking areas.

Week Two