| Im not a big fan of flying as many of you know�.however I do enjoy writing about my airline whacked out experiences of suppression, stupidity, and overall acts of the Lord that are unexplainable. �No wonder she�s on a pond-hopper� Award goes to: Joan, flight attendant at Delta who obviously has seen more red eye than a Kodak developer. She asked the woman (ok � no lie here, she looked like Pat from SNL), �What can I get you to drink, SIR?� � I almost choked on my quarter ounce of pretzel mix when she said that. Ok, so my neighbor looked like a extra from League of Their Own but still even I knew she was a woman�or so I think�Joan will be permanently sentenced to such exciting routes as Green Bay, Wisconsin to Eugene, Oregon for the rest of her career. Speaking of quarter ounce of pretzel mix � I mean, what the fuck here? I remember when we used to get a REAL meal on planes!! Heck, gimme a bag of freakin honey-roasted peanuts, ya bastards! This is another conspiracy by the MAN to buy overpriced airport food at NFL football game prices. I came close to eating my US Airway napkin last trip. Next time I�m bringing a freakin� pizza. Gimme a 5 Star! Eating at Charlotte�s nice airport (I couldn�t stop counting all the honies!), I had Chinese food. Now first of all, don�t ever get Chinese at an airport; secondly this place gave out fortune cookies�that�s right, give borderline paranoids fortune cookies�might as well hand out bottles tranquilizers afterward. Besides, my fortune cookie sucked � said something like, �We spit in your noodle� or some shit. Here�s a list of other fortune cookies you do NOT want to get at an airport: �Your pilot is well rested�after having too much cough syrup� �May your luggage arrive in 3 days� �Don�t eat the snack mix on the plane, makes good rat poison� �Your date has herpes � plan accordingly� �You�ll survive the 20 minutes of turbulence � be happy� �U got screwed on your airfare price� �We use no MSG in our cat meat� �Have you written your will?� �Be prepared for a body cavity search at Gate 59� Now another thing I don�t get is that freakin� Sky Mall catalog. This thing is designed for fat ass wealthy lazy bastards. It�s like a Sharper Image store gone global. You can buy anything � wanna mirror for your ass? Sure, pay 80 bucks for a butt mirror. Need a heated sweater for your dog Fifi? $129. Chocolate turtles from Galapagos - $12. Talking trash-cans � 87.50. Schizzle my nizzle! I could sell duct tape as a �terrorist capturing kit� for 50 bucks�..whats next, a plant massager? Hey, don�t go stealing my idea there, skippy! If Seth ran an airline, some hallmark features would be: Hooters Girls as stewardesses. Boulevard beer on tap. Body shots for $4 bucks Mortal Kombat tourneys Pappa John�s Pizza � pass that shit around. Hell, pass the Courvesie � sheeeeeet, I�ll make Busta Rhymes an air marshall. Porn movies�.though I�d hafta replace the plastic bags with some Kleenex quick wipes. Those velor blankets � not those syphilis infested ones ya get now that are like sand paper. Techno replaces elevator MUSIK And lastly, a Champagne room for those Mile High Club Members. Seth always get stuck with the skank shift. http://www.geocities.com/sethmatthew |
| Airline Suppresion v2.1 |