There are times in your life when you need to conquer some of your fears- sometimes you can get away years avoiding the harsh realities of them. And while I haven�t quite come to terms with my fear of horror (and horrible) movies, after about 13 years, I finally confronted one of (if not the biggest) fears in my life (and no- I know what some of you are thinking, and damn it I really will �commit� myself and in relationship!)
I havent stepped foot on a plane in over a decade and really had little intention of doing so. This past Thursday, I was given no option as I had a job interview in central Michigan and my car wasn�t about to drive 8 hours. Besides, they were paying for my flight.
So being the guy that I am � I begin driving to Dayton to the airport � I really had no specific idea of where that was, however I figure in Ohio, all roads lead you to major town after 30 miles of Green Acres. I arrive at the airport somehow and park my car- I later find out the first parking conspiracy and ploy of capitalism: After entering the long term parking lot, (at least it didn�t say lifetime parking lot) about 100 hundred yards away was another long term lot at a much cheaper rate- so I took that one in the ass- a certain sign no doubt.
I go get my electronic ticket at the Delta gate- I learned soon enough that I was flying on Comair (read- CON Air). I showed the lady an email with my confirmation number- hell she never asked for my idea and any looney tune could have said they were me- but few are as dashingly devastating and sexy as my Mr. March (pending contract with Playgirl) self. �I used to be vain, but now Im just perfect�
Dayton was not an exciting airport though it did have a bar- I was considering having a nice warm and fuzzy drink however drinking alone is a sign of alcoholism and future CBS After School Specials (�Drinking at Airports � My Story�) so instead I watched the planes take off to kinda pysch myself up for my trip.
Now of course I am expecting the huge mother plan, instead I get the red headed bastard midget pond hopper. It was like a Micromachine. Of course, this plane was no expression of my man hood as we all know size doesn�t matter!!
The plane had room for about 30 and there were 4 of us total! I didn�t like that as I figured the pilots are better pilots when lives are at stake. Out stewardess was not looker either as Ive seen better looking rawhide. Another sign �ugly washout stewardess. I love how they try and go over the safety rules and explain how to buckle a seatbelt- and those crash safety plastic cards are a scream too. �Thank you for flying Comair- we are cheap bastards who wont even give you peanuts on this flight. Our pilot just got notice that he is being sued for that last crash however that�s not important right now� Our plane was equipped with extra yakety-yak bags.
As the plane excellerated down the run way I was dreaming of sedation. When it took off, I was holding on for dear life- I think I left permanent indentures in the seat in front of me- I became very religious as well, as the words �Oh my God� and some other rated R phrases filled the air- I swear the lady next to me was dead, she didn�t move the whole flight (remember the lady in Airplane! Who turned into a skeleton??)
We landed in Cincinnati (yes, Cincinnati, a city 40 minutes or so from Dayton and yes it would have been easier to just goto Cincy but noooooooo, Conair wouldn�t allow that those mongrels. So I had to subject myself to another flight to Grand Rapids after an hour layover in the Cincy dump.
Coming back from the trip I was treated to the royalty of Conair as they flew me home on a 50 person jet. However there was a delay because the �radar system was not functioning� This made me sweat a little during take off- its not like these pilots pull out a Rand McNally map and look for land markers �Look Kids, theres Big Ben� � National Lampoons Vacation.
My stewardesses were pretty damn good looking as I renewed my faith in Delta. I wanted them to fly my friendly skies. I now have a copy of the propaganda ridden Delta magazine they subliminally put in each seat and a few cookies that are really these Belgian wafers that I think are for Communion but I wont swear on it.
�Tommy, do you ever watch Gladiator movies?� �Airplane!
- Seth got no nook on the plane and thus did not qualify for the Mile High Club