By SMF, 1999

What a drive!!! Ive learned a lot during my drive to Ohio. First- Boss Hogg exists in Tennessee. Second, you can buy pecan log rolls 3 for a buck and towels by the pound�I started my drive from Valdosta, Georgia, a city with 5 different types of cops who stalk the shoppers at the outlet malls. (Hi Glen)

I realized that my drive to Atlanta was gonna suck. I suffered from my first case of claustrophobia driving through the city of Turner. 9 lanes of hellions bumper to bumper�I kept praying that people would get off at the exits�

After this nerve wracking experience (I was nervous like a juvenile's first night in a prison) I hit an awe-inspiring experience- Mountains! Im talking the real deal before Pam Anderson Lee had a rack implant mountains. Beyond D cup. Ive seen little trainer bra mountains up north but these were in the flesh. My ears kept popping as I went up and down the hills�.

Let me tell you about north Georgia. This is where IQ�s start dropping into the double digits. I went to a gas station that also doubled as a liquor store. Now how smart is that to give Billy Joe Bob a quart of whiskey after filling up his Ford F-150 (complete with gun rack and John Deere sticker)?? Its like giving darts to drunk people at bars (Chet and I did this and I almost killed someone with a dart at the Grog House). However I was tempted to buy some moonshine.

I could see that Tennessee wasn�t an economical powerhouse as soon as I left Georgia the roads got awful. I don�t know what the color of the roads where but they matched the houses�.I think it was primer. I made the poor choice of stopping for gas at truck stop- this damn place had slot machines and all these old people were just cranking away in hopes of winning some pickled pigs feet ($1.39 each) at the grease joint next door. You could shower there as well�man id hate to drop the soap and watch ol Sea Bass get too friendly. When I left this state, so did the jewish population.

Now a word about strip clubs- most of us are familiar with the Caf� Risqu� outside of Gainesville. Apparently some entrepreneur has a chain of these things as I saw the same building about every 100 miles with the same early 80�s billboard models and the best thing of all �Great food� Now who the hell goes there for the cuisine?? Im sure Wolfgang Puck got his culinary start there. Hell Chef Boyardee wouldn�t step foot in that shady den of sin. As far as Im concerned who knows where they stick that food anyway??
(Gratuitous �Clerks� quote #33- �Oh those chicks will shove things in any hole. Any hole!!� Mental note- don�t order the banana split or cream of mushroom soup.

Another note on north Georgia and Tennessee. Ok all the cities were named by George Lucas. I stopped at a place called Aclec�and the next city was called Altoonie (not to be confused with its distant cousin, Tatoonie) I was hoping to see a Bobbe Fette town but instead I got plenty of Bubba�s instead.

Kentucky wasn�t too bad � I think theyre kinda  a buffer state separating the inbreds whose roads nor family trees fork from the rest of the somewhat civilized Ohio folk.

So tonight Im off to see Star Wars in a movie theater the size of my dorm room. Oxford, Ohio sure as hell aint Oxford, England!!


PS- for you Beta clowns. Ive seen the Campaneale, Peal of bells, Alpha chapter house, and all that jazz � its pretty cool- I will harass GF next week.


�It�s a dog-eat-dog world and Im wearing milkbone underwear�- I think it was Dennis Miller or Rodman or Menace.