The Trouble With Transporters

by Amy Cabe

Captain's Log, Stardate: 50904.7, USS Enterprise, NCC-1701-E, Ensign Melanie Dyson in Command. Our damage from the Borg attack has been repaired. The ship is currently orbiting Risa and is nearly diserted. I have been in command since we arrived. I volentered to stay behind because I wanted to command the ship, eventhough we are just in orbit of Risa. My brief captaincy has enjoyable, but I am glad that Captain Picard will be returning shortly.

"Captain Picard to Enterprise, I am ready to return to the ship."

"Lt. Robinson here, I'll be glad to beam you aboard. I think Ensign Dyson will be pleased to see you."

"Engage"

Then, the unthinkable happened in the transporter room. Files merged that the designers thought impossible. Starfleet's Corps of Enginers and Starfleet Medical will spend years soring out what happened. In the silence that followed, Ensign Dyson hurried to Transporter Room 3.

Four years at the Academy wouldn't prepare her for what she saw. 400 years at the Academy wouldn't prepare her for what the saw. There was two identical copies of Lt. Bambi Robinson. One behind the transporter console, the other was on the transporter platform. "Where Captain Picard shuold be." she said to an empty room.

She hastily called Dr. Crusher on the planet's surface. "Doctor, theres a medical emergency. We need you aboard and Commander La Forge, if you can find him."

"La Forge, here. What is the problem?"

"I'm not sure. If it is as bad as I think it is, they'll have my comission for it," Dyson said in a panic sticken voice.

"We'll beam up immediately." the doctor said.

"You will have to take a shuttle. The transporters are off-line," Dyson said.

"We'll be there right away, Crusher out."

Ten minutes later, the shuttlecraft Burke (NCC-818-F/15) landed in shuttle bay 1. From her, Dr. Crusher and Cmdr. La Forge emerged with a calm, relaxed look. In sharp contrast was Ensigin Dyson hurried, panicy face. "Doctor, I'm glad your here," she said. "There's been a transporter accident. If what I think has happened has happened, Captain Picard was some how turned into a clone of Barbra Robinson."

Geordi hurried to the transporter room, while Dyson and Crusher went to Sick Bay to see about Lt. Robinson and "the other Lt. Robinson". One was in a Leutenant's gold and black uniform. The other was wearing an ill fitting red shirt with Captain's pips. The captain woke up first, with a confused look on his (or her) face. "Beverly, why am I in Sick..." he had began to realize what had happened.

"Captain, are you all right?" Doctor Crusher had said.

Captain Picard had learned in his three decades of service it is always best to make the CMO tell you what is wrong. He said, "I feel fine doctor, but I think I'll need some new clothes." In the next bed, he saw Lt. Robinson wake up, see herself in the next bed and passed out.

Dyson said, "Are you sure everything is fine, Captain."

"No, I seem to have woke up in the wrong body. I can't say I like the improvement," Picard said.

PART 2

Geordi was working hard in Transporter Room 3. He was trying to figure out what happened. Allow me to rephrase that. It was quite obvious to any one (even a blind man) what had happened. The real problem was fining out why it had happened and how to fix it. The transporter console was fried. The level 5 diagnostic had said that 227.47 billion trillion ergs of energy had ran through the pattern buffer. As Ensign Lefler would say, "The only good thing about level 5 diagnostics is the fact that they can tell how much shit you are it; to the 2nd decimal place." He made a mental note to ask her what rule it was as he tapped his communicatior. "La Forge to Dyson, I've got good news and bad news, which do you want first.

Dyson said, "Give me the bad news first."

"The bad news is that it will take weeks to reverse the problem. But, I have some good news. First, we can bring transporters 1, 2, and 4 on-line in 5 minutes. Second, I don't think that Starfleet will take your commision for this. But, we should recall the rest of the senior staff. I'll be up to Sickbay to explain what happened personally.

Back in Sickbay, Dyson was explaining what had happened to Robinson. Meanwhile, Geordi and Beverly were explaining what had happened the Captain. Beverly said, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that a transporter accident has turned you into a 34 year-old woman, an exact duplicate of Barbra Robinson

"What's the good news?" Picard asked.

"You've been turned into a 34 year-old, and your not bald."

How is that good news?" Geordi asked.

Picard replied, "Ever since my brother and my nephew passed away. I have wanted to have a child. Befoer that, I didn't feel that it was my responsibility to carry on the Picard line. Before this, I didn't think it would be possible for me to have children. Now, it seems possible."

"We will have to call a senior staff meeting. Just as soon as we give you a Boyce-series to verify that you are who you say you are," Dr. Crusher said.

PART 3

Commander Riker's Personal Log, Stardate 50904.8. When I returned from Risa, a beautiful woman was waiting for me. Unfortunately, she was Captain Picard. They say that these logs are for "prosterity". Well, I feel sorry for "prosterity", having to go through this. I have a senior staff meeting to attend. Say hello to the 29 century for me.

If some peeping tom was standing outside the captain's window, he would have seen a strange sight indeed. He would have seen Captian Picard walk in with his long blond hair (Robinson's hair was brunette untill she dyed it blond a few weeks ago). He removed his ill fitting uniform and stepped into the shower. Ten minutes later, "she" emerged from the bathroom, naked. The captain put on a bra and a pair of panties. Then he put on a new unoiform, fresh from ships stores.It was a bit larger in the chest than his old uniform, but it was a few centimeters smaller in the waist. It nicely accuented his new measurements, 36C-28-36. Captian Picard looked at herself in the mirror and began to think of Thadiun Okona, and how he was intrested in Lt. Robinson. "She" said to no one in particular, "I wonder what he would think if me and Barbra were to see him again." Just as "Captain Robinson" left to attend the senior staff meeting, the peeping Tom began laughing his ass off, eventhough he didn't technically have an ass to laugh off. Then, the peeping tom thought about how cold it was outside (-247 degrees). He decided to go inside and get a sweater.

The officers at the senior staff meeting included Captain Picard; Commander Riker; Data; Dr. Crucher; Geordi; Counselor Troi; Lt. Harrold "Harry" Feather, the tactical officer; Ensign Dyson, who was normally the ops officer; and Transporter Chief Robinson. Captain Picard began, "Despite my outward apperance, I am Captain Jean-Luc Picard. Due to a transporter accident, I have been turned in to a duplicate of Lt. Robinson." He paused a moment to let it sink in. He looked at the few officers who didn't know what had happened. All of them had a shocked look on there face; all except Couselor Troi. "For the time being, I think it would be best if I prtedned to be Barbra's twin sister, Jessica."

Riker asked, "Who will be in command?"

"Due to the delicate nature of the Tatooine/Krypton negoiations I think it would be best if I was in command. I've cleared the plan for me to pose as Capt. Jessica Robinson with Admiral T'Salik," Captain Picard said.

Lt. Feather asked, "How did this happen, Captain Robinson."

Captain Picard was confused for a moment, then he ralized who Harry was talking to. Fortunately, Geordi began his explanation. "Were still picking up the peaces in the transporter room. But, we think we know what happened. When Captain Picard beamed up, the transporter superimpoised Robinson's pattern on the Captain. Because of the 15kg weight diffrence, that was converted to 227.47 billion trillion ergs of energy. We think it was due to a wave compression malfunction in Risa's weather grid. It interacted with the transporter and caused the malfunction."

Riker asked, "What will we say if some one asks where Captain Picard is?"

Captain Robinson said, "I think we should act like I'm on some top secret mission. I think it would be best if we make the details of the mission as contridictory as possible. Pretend it was like the time Captain Jelico was in command. By the way, there will be a change in command cerimony at 1400 in 7-Forward"

Lt. Feather said, "I'm a security guard, not a doctor; but, why can't you swich the DNA like you did with Dr. Pulaski."

Dr. Crusher said, "The problem dosen't lie in her,...I mean his DNA. It lies in the RNA sequence. I think we should be able to reverse this accident in about 2 weeks. It may be sooner if something happens to reset the ship's Bizarro Meter."

Dyson turned to Lt. Feather and asked quietly, "What is a Bizarro meter?"

PART 4

Lt. Feather roled his eyes as Data launched into his explanation. "The Bizarro Meter concept was first proposed by Captain Montogomery Scott on stardate 5947.1. It was proposed to explain the strange events durring Captain Kirk's 5-year mission. The theory assumes that the bizarre events follow the formula b=h^3, where b is the average bizarro reading and h is the number of letters in the name of the ship. Thus, our average bizarro reading is 1000. When we arrived at Risa, out reading was 674. the captain's accident has raised the bizarro reading to 947.

Captain Picard said, "It's good to know somthing good has came of this."

Geordi responded, "Data, you know as well as I do that Scotty meant that as a joke!"

Data continued, "Nonetheless, it nicely accounts for the Eneterprise-D's meetings with Q, odd apperances of the number 47, the strange circumstances..."

Captain Robinson interrupted, "Gentelmen, we're not here to discuss the bizarro meter. I think we should try to get back to work. Don't forget the change of command cerimony at 1400 hours."

As Riker left, he muttered, "Just like Jellico."

"Couselor, can I have a word with you?" the captain asked.

"Yes, what's on your mind?" Commander Troi asked.

"I can't help but wonder how you seemed to know about my accident before it happened?"

"Well, do you remember the 'psychic' who 'clensed the ships aura' at Dharma VII. She gave me a warning that something like this would happen."

"Why didn't you tell me beforehand? We may have been able to avoid this."

"She didn't tell me exactly what would happen. She just said that the captain of the Enterprise would borrow my blue dress. I assumed that it would be someone besides you or Commander Riker."

"Well, that clears that up. Now that you metioned it. I would like to see how I'd look in that dress."

"I'll bring it by your quarters around 1800 hours. Also, I think it would be best if you acted as diffrent from how you normally act."

Captain Robinson, "Thank you, I should be on the bridge."

Captain Robinson and Couselor Troi walked into a heated debate about the ship's bizarro meter, which had spilled over from the staff meeting. Geordi said,"You can't seriously believe that bizarro meter theory. Everyone knows it came from the Captain Corbomite holo-comics."

Data replied, "That theory does however account for the seven apperances of Q on the Enterprise-D..."

Then, a man in an out of date uniform stepped off of the turbolift. It was like the kind that begining to be used when the Enterprise-D crashed on Veridinan III. He was also wearing a sweater. He said, "Correction, Mr. Data, that's 8 times I've appeared on the Enterprise."

Everyone was suprised by Q's sudden apperance on the bridge. He began, "I am Q, of the Q conitium, Captain Robinson. I'm sure Captain Picard must have metioned me." Q seemed puzzled for a moment, and continued, "I see why Captain Picard didn't metion me."

Captain Robison said, "Q, what do you want and why didn't you just beam in like you normally do?"

"I've came to offer my sevices as a member of the crew. By the way, I love the way you've redecorated; I hated all those pastels," Q replied.

Picard sat down in his command chair and thought about the situation. Then, he thought about Troi's suggestion that he ask diffrently. He replied, "We could use a new transporter chief." Everyone laughed in response, even those who didn't know about the transporter accident."

"Captain Robinson" said, "Q, can we speak about this privately, in my Ready Room.

Data added, "For the record, this has raised our bizarro reading to 1305.

PART 5

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Acknolgements: ST:TNG is tm and copyright Paramount Pictures.

Planet Krypton and Oa are tm and copyright DC Comics, a division of Warner Brothers

Warp One Comunications, "186,281.47 miles per second isn't quite fast enough", and Captain Corbomite are tm and copyright Amy Cabe. This is the only intelectual property on this page I actually own!

Special Thanks to Kim from New Jersey. This story wouldn't be here with out her help. Click above to see her home page.

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