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Hi! My name is WiLL, I'm Transgendered, and this is my story. I always knew I was different. For as long as I can remember I never really felt like a "boy" (whatever THAT means). Being a little kid with no concept of the fluidity between genders translated into the fact that since I didn't "feel like a boy", I must be a girl! I always thought some mistake had been made. Just about every night as I lay in bed, I would pray that I'd wake up and be a girl. I know that this is VERY common. I've worked with a lot of Trans people and we all have such similar stories to tell (but that is best saved for another story). Not only did I spend a lot of time wishing "to be made into a girl", I also spent an equal amount of time hating that part of me that wanted that. I think I coped with my childhood as well as can be expected, but I was filled with conflict about my gender. I really didn't fit into the "boy" culture. I had some male friends (usually one BEST friend whom I'd do EVERYTHING with), but most of my friends were girls. Of course, one of my favorite games to play with my girl friends was trading clothes. They'd wear my clothes and I'd wear theirs. I'm sure I enjoyed it more than they did! It felt more "natural" to be dressed that way. But it was still very difficult internally. Between the ages of nine and eleven or so, I really didn't trade clothes with any of my girl friends. I'm not sure why. About the age of eleven I discovered my sister's closet. Again, I'm not really sure why I hadn't thought of wearing her clothes before. She is about seven years older than I. At this point, playing dressup became a sexual thing, something I did alone, and something I had a ton of shame about. I would dressup, masturbate, and then be filled with such self loathing that I would vow to never do it again. However, I would get the urge soon after to do it again. This cycle continued right through my adolescent years (and really right up until I finally came out as being Transgendered). I was so miserable during this time that my late teens and early twenties were spent in a drug haze. I self medicated myself every chance I got with pot, alcohol, LSD, really anything I could get my hands on. The feeling of being "different" and a "freak" was to awful to face sober. Also at issue was the fact that I was terrified of my maleness too. Basically, I was just completely shut down This state lasted into my late twenties. It was at this time that I finally started therapy. It's very interesting because all through this first therapy experience we never dealt with the fact that I liked to wear women's clothes. I was still so ashamed of this fact that I never talked about it. My therapist was great, however, and we really worked on so much other stuff. One thing we worked on was my "maleness". I was totally shut down to both my "feminine" as well as my "masculine". Looking back on the whole process, I can really see that before I could touch the issue of being Transgendered, I needed to feel comfortable with being a man. While I was exploring this I didn't dress up at all. I was still in the mindset that it was bad, but more importantly, I was really exploring my maleness. I feel that this was a good and a neccessary part of my devoloping "whole self". I eventually ended that phase of therapy and I thought I was done. I also thought that I was no longer interested in wearing women's clothes (yeah right!). So, my "femininity" started to resurface about 2 years later. I was living with my current partner at the time (a woman), and I began to have those all too familiar urges. This was very troubling to me because I thought I was done with those feelings. I think the big turning point came when I went to see the movie "Ed Wood". I know that it might sound silly, but I was watching that movie and something clicked inside me. I knew right then that I was different and it was OK. I also knew that I would need to come out of my closet. I was terrified of this. The first person I told was my partner. She is a great person, but this nearly broke us up. It was so huge! We both realized we did not have the ability to handle something this big on our own. We found a couple's therapist who actually specialized in gender issues! We really learned a lot from this person. I think the biggest thing we learned was about communicating. Since then we have really built a strong relationship that is grounded in trust, boundaries, and communication. I probably could do a whole other page on communication skills! Another thing we got from him was some really good recommendations for individual therapists. The present: I'm not in therapy right now, but I wouldn't rule it out if I needed it. Basically, I've learned a lot over the past few years since I've been out. I really see gender as a totally individual thing. There are as many genders in the world as there are people. Think of it like a spectrum, with male on one side and female on the other. Everyone falls somewhere on the spectrum, so that they all have both male and female inside them. They have combined male and female in a totally unique and beautiful way! Some people fall closer to one side or the other. If this matches up with what is between their legs then they probably don't think too much about gender. If, on the other hand, where they fall on this gender spectrum does NOT match up, there might be problems. Speaking for myself, I am very feminine, but I also am male. I guess you could say I'm 3/4's on the female side of the spectrum. I often say I'm boy/not boy and girl/not girl. I'm Will! That's why the term "transgender" works for me. Transgender implies fluidity and allows me to come up with my own expression. I'm sure some of you are saying "well, what do you look like?" I can tell you that if I wanted to "pass" I could. I don't want to, that's not my thing. I usually wear a mixture of clothes. Sometimes I wear makeup and sometimes I don't. Just like anyone else, I just put on what I like to wear. It's fun. My partner, my friends, some of my family (sigh), my workplace, all are totally accepting of me. I've had to do a lot of education (and still do) about gender. But I know that real change isn't going to happen if people are still in their closets, no matter how pretty or comfortable those closets are.
Links to other sites on the Web
transgendered gods/godesses!
boy/girl
AMAZING site!!! filled with articles and resources
my journey with herbal hormones
it's cool to be Queer at Planet Out
find out about Hijras
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This Transgendered Universe
WiLL.
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