My Experiences With Coming Out
If you do not want to read the personal, intimate details of my "coming out" experiences during my earlier youth, then please turn back immediately!
��� Myself, I think during my adolescense I'd sub-consciously known I was gay for a long time, but I'd never been able to admit it to myself. I had been raised under the assumption by my parents that their son was a heterosexual, so consequently I'd always pictured myself having a wife and kids as an adult. I felt that was what was "expected" out of me.
��� But beginning at age 11, I began having sexual fantasies about other boys. In my dreams, I dreampt about the beauty and exotic sensation of the male body. I desperately craved male companionship and male friends whom I could be close with, even if in a non-sexual platonic capacity. To this day, this is how I feel, sexually.
��� I remember in middle school and high school I would take every chance I got during Phy Ed to shower with the other boys so I could see them naked, and to dress and undress with them so I could admire the other guys' bodies. Even if I could just catch a glimpse of another guy's bare chest, it would satisfy me. I still am this way today. What can I say - - I'm a hornball, LOL. How many heterosexual guys would be having similar reactions if they got to see all they wanted in the girls' locker room, hmmm?
��� But female breasts/genitals never appealed to me. The nude male body makes me go "Wow!" . . . but the nude female body just makes me go "hmm." During puberty up until I turned 17, I'd convinced myself that I was bisexual. I guess this was an act of psychological "rebellion" on my part. As a non-conformist, I didn't want to "conform" to the stereotype of being strictly homosexual. After all, I unfortunately kind of have "The Voice", I have many effeminate personality characteristics, and I've always had traditionally-"feminine" interests. I've never been athletic, and I don't possess tremendous virility or physical strength.
��� I finally was able to admit to myself at age 17 that I am gay. Incidentally, it was the episode of Dawson's Creek where Jack came out that caused me to confront my sexuality. On February 20, 1999, I watched Part 2 of that two-part episode entitled "...That is the Question" where Jack came out of the closet. As corny as it sounds, that episode helped me to realize that I shouldn't be ashamed of who I am and being homosexual does not make me a sinner. I can't control my sexual feelings nor my sexuality, so I simply must love myself and accept myself for who I am. Hopefully, others will do the same.
��� On June 15, 1999 I took the next Big Step and came out to my mom. Let me just say that she isn't exactly thrilled about it - - but she says she still loves me and won't disown me. I still wish she could be more accepting of me. She still doesn't believe gays should have the right to marry because "that's the way it's always been." I hope she'll come around eventually. My mom made me promise not to tell my dad, because I have always had a stormy relationship with my dad and he would not take the news gracefully. We aren't going to tell my sister either.
��� Currently, one of my main causes is working for the legalization of same-gender marriages and for equal rights of homosexuals and bisexuals under the law. I have made several beloved friends whom I value the friendship of more than life itself. I hope as I move on to new places in my life, I can meet more heterosexual, homosexual, and bisexual guys who will accept me for who I am, as I will them.
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