In ultra contrast, I'm afraid to really open up and smile in my day-to-day life. And why is that so? The answer to this is where I'm not sure what's real and what's not, what's truth and what's rationalization (or denial?). Do I have a "pretty" smile? When I smile, does it make my face look more feminine? When I think back to the numerous numerous times when, in my life as a man, strangers have gone after me in public for being "femme", by far the majority of those episodes have happened when I've let down my guard and am being expressive and extremely happy and smiling. Then BAM, the verbal attacks: "oh honey" "hi sweetie" "such a cutie" and of course other usual derogatives. And more than a few times when I respond back, often the followup "oh you're so cute when you're mad". Now maybe I have feminine mannerisms that get activated when I'm happy, I just don't know. Or maybe that's my "true" self? But I often tend to think that it's simply because when I smile it makes my face look more feminine, "too feminine" for a man. As if the intrinsic femininity of my face (by European standards) is magnified when I smile. What I mean by the "European standards" crack is that I think that a lot of my facial characteristics (pronounced cheekbones, shallow-set eyes, and very little facial hair) are Native American not European. In fact, aside from coloring, my face resembles quite a bit one of my grandmothers (the prettier one, such a deal!) who was 3/4 Native American.
Not a good starting point to have your grandmother's face if you're a guy, I guess. But hey, that sparse beard has some real positive makeup advantages! Like I can just SKIP that whole beard covering foundation bit altogether. :) So, eat your hearts out, girls :p
Anyhow ... what I learned to do over time, to try and avoid the attacks, was to set my face in a mask. A mask that tends to minimize people's perception of it, and me, as feminine. (Oh yeah, isn't it true that the face is the window to the soul and the reflection of the person within? such tripe ... other than so many people believe it) Minimize, but not eliminate that perception. A totally deadened face, don't show emotion. But it's terrible to not feel free to smile and be happy. Doubly so because that's my nature, I like to laugh, find the humor in every situation. It just drains me so to keep up this mask and to always be on guard. Only with a few close friends can I let it down.
So, most definitely, the best part of being Amber is being able to throw away the mask and SMILE! It is such a powerful release just to feel free to smile. And it would be beyond nice to feel that way all the time. To feel free, when I'm around other people, to just be me. And gee whiz, wouldn't you just know it -- I just can't seem to stop myself from giving this 24/7 Amber possibility some serious consideration :) At least from time to time. But usually not too much more frequently than the time it takes the little hand to move a click on the clock. Or is it the big hand? I'm just SO confused :)