Welcome to my little corner of the web! You might ask, who are you, Amber? Let me share a few observations that I think about say it all, and I'll leave you to conclude what you want ...
First, in my dreams for the last four or five years (my real dreams, when I sleep) I'm female, in every regard. Socially, emotionally, biologically, sexually. It is not at all that I'm observing some other female version of myself in my dreams, but that the person who's acting and being acted upon in my dreams (that would be me) is just another woman.
Second, on those relatively infrequent occasions when I actually dress as a woman, it makes me so very happy. Truly joyful. And it feels so very right and natural. Seeing myself reflected in the mirror, this overpowering feeling hits me, that this IS who I am, that this IS how I should be living in the world.
Third, my heart knows that I'd be more accepted in this world as a woman. That the person I am underneath it all -- how I look but especially how I interact with people and who and what they see me as -- just doesn't seem to be what a man is "supposed" to be like.
Fourth, my head knows this too. But doesn't know what to do about it. Yes, I often find myself wishing that I were a woman or at least living as one. But most of the time I wonder why won't people just accept me as I am, without changing?
But because of my family and my commitment to them, I don't feel free to actually try living as the person that I am night after night in my dreams (or that I am day after day in my thoughts). She who would probably be more accepted (at face value) than I myself am.
But then my family -- THEY don't see me as less than I am because of how I look. |
