amber's dreamland

First, in my dreams for the last four or five years (my real dreams, when I sleep) I'm female, in every regard. Socially, emotionally, biologically, sexually. It is not at all that I'm observing some other female version of myself in my dreams, but that the person who's acting and being acted upon in my dreams (that would be me) is just another woman.

Second, on those relatively infrequent occasions when I actually dress as a woman, it makes me so very happy. Truly joyful. And it feels so very right and natural. Seeing myself reflected in the mirror, this overpowering feeling hits me, that this IS who I am, that this IS how I should be living in the world.

Third, my heart knows that I'd be more accepted in this world as a woman. That the person I am underneath it all -- how I look but especially how I interact with people and who and what they see me as -- just doesn't seem to be what a man is "supposed" to be like.

Fourth, my head knows this too. But doesn't know what to do about it. Yes, I often find myself wishing that I were a woman or at least living as one. But most of the time I wonder why won't people just accept me as I am, without changing?

But because of my family and my commitment to them, I don't feel free to actually try living as the person that I am night after night in my dreams (or that I am day after day in my thoughts). She who would probably be more accepted (at face value) than I myself am.

But then my family -- THEY don't see me as less than I am because of how I look.

About my "dreamland" ... hopefully you can find a few things that make you smile, that happiness and fun are contagious ... cause I can't really express how much I've enjoyed visiting others' pages, reading their stories, experiencing their diverse styles and personalities ... I only wish the internet was around when I was younger, because it's sure made me feel a lot less alone.

Drop me a line if you'd like, just to say hi, or whatever moves you ... but please be forgiving if I don't get back to you right away ... it's just that I don't get a chance to check on my mail very often ...

Yours truly,
Amber

(additional "insights" into my psyche can be gleaned by the strange comments interspersed amidst my photo pages, plus a couple additional boring text-type screeds .... links to which are below)

Yep, this whole gender thing is something I suppose that I'll never figure out. (If any of you have figured out the secret, let me know!!) Regardless, as time has gone by, at least I seem to have become more accepting of this part of myself. At least why I started cross dressing is not a puzzle to me at all. Although I grew up considering myself the typical boy (if a bit bookish) and found greatest enjoyment in active things -- football, wrestling, boxing, tennis, whatever -- unfortunately nature did not cooperate. A very late puberty (didn't start until I was 18, only finished in my 20's) coupled with a rather feminine appearance did not exactly buy me acceptance by my peers, adults, father, etc. Despite whatever I might have considered myself and felt myself to be, it sure didn't matter to them. So as total social outcast, was it any surprise that I started to think, gee, if I'm not what a man is supposed to be, then maybe .... ???

Well, let's cut this rant short ... given that I still have a relatively femme appearance, why fight it? Why not dress like how I look to others anyway? Especially since it's such FUN!! And who knows -- maybe I'm just afraid to admit what my real self is like? Yep, just your average girl-next-door, that's me. Basically tame, but a bit of a tease (in a wholesome way, of course). High glamour, that's not me, for sure.

Other hobbies: a mixture of the active (cross country skiing, rollerblading, camping, fishing) and the quiet (reading, music, gardening, crafts). And I love to cook and actually, for whatever perverse reason, love to clean house, do laundry, and so on. Just like the rest of me, pretty mixed up. Hmm, let's see, anything else about me? Oh yeah, you may notice a somewhat warped sense of humor surfacing from time to time.

But let's also throw in a few facts to keep Sergeant Friday happy: I'm in my mid-forties, blond hair, blue eyes. I'm married, reasonably happily (so no, I'm not looking for a guy, so please no come-ons), and have a couple children. And I care about my family very much and don't want to hurt them, which is what gives me some not insignificant guilt about who I am. My wife isn't supportive, but then again, she doesn't particularly hassle me about it, so I can't really complain. Nonetheless this means that my dreams are very much a private thing. And because of my family, I suppose I won't ever follow my dreams wherever they might otherwise take me. (This is kind of old school, I guess, but that's who I am as well ...)

(back)

(a realization)

Welcome to my little corner of the web! You might ask, who are you, Amber? Let me share a few observations that I think about say it all, and I'll leave you to conclude what you want ...

ADDED AUG. 2002
It's really got nothing to do with dressing up. It's got everything to do with being free to be me, who I naturally am, whatever that is. Dressing up is just a way to camoflauge myself, a way for me not to stand out.

This is not my "true" nature -- this is who people want me to be.

I'm just back after a serious car crash a week ago (Aug. 8, 2002). Rolled my car, got busted up pretty good, broken bones and all that. Macho guy that I am, I extract myself from the wreckage, climb into the ambulance, don't need pain medicine, etc. Sounds very man-like, right? Then how come at least two of the emergency personnel on the scene addressed me as "ma'am"?? Jeans, polo shirt, boots, big guy, acting this way -- why "Ma'am"??

Why won't people grant me what I am? It's like they look in my face and can't see what I really am? I'm so tired of being in this world. What you see here on my pages is my dream. A dream that I belong as at least some gender. Even if not the one I was born to.