in some rigid societies. I guess, I have always suspected,
even as far back as my tenth year, that I was not like the other boys.
I never could understand why little boys are so fascinated with
aeroplanes and war games... I could never get anyone to share
in my Barbie fantasies. Even when I was that young, I have often
yearned for something else besides the appendage that I was
given at birth. Many a night I would go to bed with a prayer
that I would wake up in a different body, to wake up a girl.
In all that thirty odd years I was around, I have often had
strong yearnings to be female... to be exact, I have undergone
hormonal therapy at least 3 times in the past 20 years and
everytime I would chicken out at the last minute convincing
myself that I would never be happy on the other side. So I
would stop and revert to my old self, trying to prove to myself
once again that I might prove to be happier as a man.
I would take to pumping iron, blowing myself to ridiculous
proportions, trying to deceive or deny myself the true need inside.
Now almost coming to my 40th year, I have finally accepted
the fact that all the endless posing as a man won't make me
a happier person. It's time to be honest with myself...
so this time, I say to myself this will be for real...
I will try not to turn back...
Well, it has been over a year since I resumed HRT
this time around, and I must say that I am very much
at peace with myself, aside from the very persistent mood swings.
All the accompanying physical changes that is happening to me
now adds on to the joy I am experiencing.
It is so exhilarating to observe the way my body is transforming...
shedding all the hardness of my malehood and acquiring
a certain tenderness and sensitivity.
This is just the beginning for me...
a fork in the road that leads to the end...
a chance to start anew...
I only have one hope: that my dreams will not fail me this time.