Touched by Love
J.T.'s personal story

Christ has always been a very important part of my life. I was born into a loving, Christian family. Church was a part of my life from the very beginning. By the time I was a teenager, I was preaching to most of the students in my school. From very early on, I had known that God had a call on my life and always assumed that I was going to be a missionary. I don't know at what age I first noticed an attraction to other guys, somewhere around 15 probably. At first I just thought of it as an attack from Satan and fought against the thoughts. But they kept getting stronger and stronger, many times making me wonder what was wrong with me. After all, if I was really a Christian, I wouldn't be having these kinds of thoughts. As I grew older, I struggled more and more with the "temptations." The thing that was bothering me the most was that even when I thought I was very close to God, I would have dreams about other guys, never about girls. The dreams were the first clue, in fact, I don't think I've ever dreamed about being with a girl. The other major clue came during one of the two relationships I had with a girl. I'm sure she thought I was sex-crazed by the way I acted (not that she minded), but I was just desparately trying to prove to myself that at the very least, I was attracted to girls TOO. But I found that through both times we were together, I thought about guys all the way through it. This was all compounded by the fact that I lived in a very small town where there was no one I knew of that shared my attraction.

But then I went to college. After a few months of being on my own, I met a guy in a chatroom. He was the first guy that I had really ever considered having a relationship with, and we ended up deciding to be boyfriends. That clinched it for me, I knew at that point that I was gay and there was nothing I could do about it. It was October 18th, and the realization nearly killed me. I completely lost control, and in a blind panic tore through my dorm room reading the labels of bottles of hair products trying to find something highly toxic. Finally, I found a package of safety razors that I could smash to get the blade. My roommate was out of town for the weekend, so I quickly wrote a letter to him trying to explain, then got online. My plan was to go to a Christian channel and get someone to try to help me. When he/she found out that I was gay and condemned me for it, my remaining hope would be shattered and I would call a friend to come visit in a few minutes. Of course, by the time my friend came to the room, I would be dead, but at least I wouldn't lay there undiscovered for three days until my roomie got back. But God had other plans. I went to #Christians on Undernet, where I met several people who tried to help. One young man tried to convince me that life was meaningless anyways and I would be assimilated into the universal soul or something like that. Not much hope there. Then I met a man who had been in the exact same position as I was in. Instead of condemning me, he directed me to #GayChristians. I met a few people there, who directed me to the EFNet channel #GayChristians. In THAT channel, I finally found what I needed, NEW HOPE. These people told me something I had never considered before, that I was the way God had made me, and it was NOT a sin to be gay. When I finally left that night, head spinning with new knowledge, I went into intense Bible study. It wasn't enough for them to tell me, I had to see for myself. And the more I studied, the more I wondered."

Sadly, all of this time of study was interrupted by huge attacks of depression. The suicide attempts were more frequent, and it is only by the grace of God that I survived. In the middle of November, I had a week in which my roommate, many times unknowingly even, saved my life at least 10 times. Then it happened. I was up late, had been talking to my roomie, who by this time knew everything. Through yet another miracle, God had placed me with another guy who was struggling with the same issues I was. At 5:00 in the morning, I was laying in bed, trying to sleep, when I felt God's LOVE. There is no way I could ever explain that feeling to anyone, it's something that you have to experience to understand. But at that moment, I KNEW that God had made me the way HE wanted me to be. HE LOVED ME, HE LOVES ME just the way I am!!! And even more incredibly, HE can USE me for His purposes. By this time, I knew that God had called me into the music ministry, and that gentle reassurance meant so much to me. No, it has not all been easy, and many times I still have attacks of doubt, but when they come, I just go back to GOD'S LOVE. THAT is the thing that so many people miss, GOD LOVES HIS CHILDREN. I know that a lot of people tell me that I am a sinner and if I continue in my ways, I will go to Hell. Yet through a study of Romans, I have learned that I have been JUSTIFIED by Jesus Christ. According to the Living Bible, I HAVE BEEN FOUND NOT GUILTY!!! Do I think that it is a sin to be homosexual? No, I do not. And to those people, I just wish that for one second they could experience God's LOVE, because that is how I know that I am His. And I know that He can, will, and IS using me for His purposes. No, I did not choose to be gay, but God had a reason for it, and who am I to question Him? In fact, I no longer wish to be "straight", I am perfectly happy with God's designs. And I have been touched by His LOVE, and that LOVE will sustain me and keep me forever. God Bless you all.
 

J.T. (AngelSong)
 

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