by Jeremy Wayne Couch
When I was young I spoke like a child
but that's a foreign language to me now
I call Brad and try to talk to him
but can't seem to remember how
Just like Lisa, I was waiting for Wednesday
the day Brad was to tell me
if there was still an "us" or if "we"
were becoming a "you" and a "me"
but patience has never been a virtue
I have possessed
So on Friday I followed Cyndi's advice
and drove all night just to get to Brad
but even after I'd driven
all the way to Lincoln
just to tell him "I love you"
he still had sex with Lance that very night
knowing I was crying myself to sleep
except I never did get to sleep
on Kirby's couch just a few houses away
I guess if you're throwing away two years
three or four days don't really
make that much difference
Now he's moving to Lincoln
to be with Lance
'cause I don't hear the music
that makes him want to dance
So much for our future plans
and our two year history
but I just can't hear the siryns singing
Lincoln doesn't call to me
The first thing he did when he came back
from his first weekend in Lincoln
his first time with Lance
or anyone other than me
was buy a toothbrush just like mine
I wonder what that means
and I wish I could stop having these dreams
where he and I are still together
and he tells me again
"I'll love you for always and forever."
No one should have created such words
Mercedes Lackey created a word
Ashke
which means "Beloved,"
but it means much more, too
It's a vow stronger than any ever made before a priest
But I guess Brad won't be making vows before any priests
since he's agnostic now
Strange how is faith in God
and his love for me
died together
He never should have called me
Ashke
because he didn't feel the same as I did
when I whispered that word in his ear
I thought Misty's stories had meant something to him
but he is no Vanyel or Tylendel
So here I am on the middle of this bridge
trying to find my faith, my hope, my courage
Boys on my left side
Boys on my right side
Boys in their dresses
and Brad's not here
I hear he and Lance do drag shows together
I truly hope he's happy in his new life
but I think he will make
a very odd looking wife
I know for a fact that he cheated on Lance
on Valentine's Day by having a threesome
with **** and ******--how romantic!
I suppose I should be glad
that he was betraying Lance and not me
but it still makes me sad
to know he could treat anyone so shamefully
I doubt he feels any shame, though
I look up to the man in the moon
the only man who sticks around
and I wonder why there aren't men
like that here on the ground
I see you in the water
I see you in the sky
If I jump off this bridge
will I fall or will I fly
Will you hold me when I die
If I fall asleep at the bottom of this lake
will you be there when I wake
I pray my Lord my soul to take
And where were you in my fairy tale
my three month long dream
of happily-ever-after
Erin, my would-be prince,
chasing after my virtue
and when he caught it I woke up
alone
to the sound of distant cruel laughter
Yeah, I can hear that
But what if I'm an angel
in these Z.Cavarichi jeans
with Brad's name still on 'em
Hey but I don't care 'cause sometimes
I said sometimes
I hear a voice . . .
I hear a voice . . .
I think God is trying to tell me something,
but I can't hear
And where were you
when I met Will
He was so much like my mother
Her's was the only way
There was no room for any other
Where were you
when he forced his will
and his body
on mine
Where were you
as the wind and I were crying
as the last of my innocence was dying
Tori says any kind of touch
is better than none
but the trouble with Tori is she's a liar
I don't think she knows the difference
between love and desire
and sometimes I'm scared
that I don't either
Afterwards I came to the park
and standing on this bridge in the dark
I looked up to the man in the moon
the only man who doesn't kick me around
and I wondered why there aren't men
like that here on the ground
I see you in the water
I see you in the sky
If I jump off this bridge
will I fall or will I fly
Will you hold me
when I die
If I fall asleep at the bottom of this lake
will you be there when I wake
I pray my Lord my life to take
You can laugh
It's kind of funny
the things we think in times like this
Like, I've never met a man
who tastes like honey
when we kiss
And where were you
when I met Brad
and gave him what little of me
there was left to be had
Now Brad is moving to Lincoln
But Lincoln doesn't call to me
I don't hear the siryns singing
No, Lincoln doesn't call to me
and neither do you
I'm afraid if I look up
I'll see myself falling
just another angel
Bradley knocked down from the steeple
Just like Jann, I fell too fast
I feel too much
As I look up to the man in the moon
a prince who has not been crowned
I wonder if maybe there aren't men
like that here on the ground
I see you in the water
I see you in the sky
If I don't jump off this bridge
will I fall or will I fly
Will you hold me
if I survive
If I don't fall asleep
at the bottom of this lake
will you be here when I wake
I pray my Lord my pain to take
For I have sworn three fair
and thought three bright
Who art as black as hell, and dark as night