My First Conference IFGE March 1996 -

Beverly Williams

My sleep was restless, my head was spinning. I didn't know if I was nervous or scared but I did know that in a couple of hours I would be on a plane heading towards a completely new experience. The ride to the airport was about 40 minutes, but felt like an eternity. My wife was not herself, she was somewhat withdrawn, not inquisitive as I would have thought. She kissed me good-bye and said "have fun." (I'm not sure exactly how she meant it.) We had previously agreed to sit down and talk after I got back.

I had been crossdressing now for over 20 years, but had never really been out of the closet. The 1996 IFGE convention was to change that, and hopefully we could come to some understanding of my dilemma. (One I was sure others have had to deal with also.) I knew that I could go there to dress in a safe environment, but that was possible in any hotel room in North America; the main reason for the trip was to interact with others with similar dilemmas. My hope was that perhaps a better understanding of self and emotions could be realized.

When I was younger, through high school, I was smaller than most guys my age. I was exceptionally good in individual sports, swimming, diving ( but when choosing teams in gym class I was usually one of the last picked). I became a lifeguard and things then began to change, I was always included in group activities and accepted. At the age of 17 we were forced to relocate, and the acceptance thing started all over again. I hung with a group of guys into motorcycles and racing motocross; as I was exceptional at mechanics, I was welcomed. In my last year at high school, I decided to go to university for a degree in Physical Education and followed that goal. It was here that I met the "girl of my dreams". She was quite active in sports (mainly team oriented), had long gorgeous brown hair and had a great personality and sense of humor. She could lead if necessary, and it was also obvious that she wasn't going to take any crap. I found this exceptionally attractive. We were married while still in University and had our first child prior to my degree completion.

I realize now that I probably should have opened up to her about my "problem" then, but at the time I was deathly afraid of being found out......besides, at that time I did not understand my problem, and it did nothing but provide frustration and guilt to myself. Had the result been rejection, I don't know what I might have done!

I love my wife and family dearly, and would do nothing to create embarrassment for them. The social mores of our current society seem to be the center of my frustration., many of which were ingrained in my up bringing. Prior to reading more about my urges to dress, I was deathly homophobic, and feared that this activity would lead to my own homosexual activity. The reality is quite the opposite. The more I interact with and read about the transgender community the more that I find myself understanding and appreciating the opposite sex and all of their unique qualities and splendor.

I finally arrived at the Airport in Minneapolis almost 7 hours after starting my journey. I got into the shuttle bus for the hotel and a couple of minutes later a noticeably transgendered individual also got in. The driver was a true gentleman and treated her with respect and congeniality. I wondered if all Minnesota's were as nice and accepting.

At the hotel I checked in, unpacked and ran downstairs "en Homme" to register as it was getting late and I did not think there was enough time to get "dolled up" prior to the registration deadline of 6 PM. I was met openly by the girls at the registration booth, asked if I wanted to share a room, and was quickly given the hard sell on a basic IFGE membership. I returned to my room to do some major ironing (great when a hotel provides ironing boards and irons in each room!), and prepare myself for the evening's Windslow St. Fund - Wine and Cheese Reception.

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This was my first time out of a hotel room en-femme and I did hesitate once or twice before heading out the door. I reached the elevator and popped the down button....would there be a non-supportive person standing in it when the doors opened? Luckily not. I headed down to the 8th floor and was greeted by two girls pointing out the reception room. When the door opened the room was packed with about 35 people and the noise level quite high. I found my way to the wine table and was poured probably one of the most bitter white wines that I have ever tasted. The 2nd glass was a much smoother "Chablis" like wine.

I met 3 or 4 different IFGE members and spent a great deal of time talking to Jaimie Fenton (being a telecom engineer myself and working with computers we had alot in common) and others. I saw Virginia Prince, but was too intimidated to talk to her. Later two of the girls I had chatted with near the end of the reception, decided that they were heading out to one of the local "safe" gay bars and asked me to come along. I replied that I didn't think I was quite ready for that. I am still very intimidated about being "en-femme" even within the safe environment in the hotel, let alone go out in public. I packed it in and headed back to the room.

On Friday I spent most of the day taking it easy around the hotel room. There were no seminars that interested me so I completed some work that I had brought with me and prepped nails hair and clothes for the evening. I also made a quick run to the mall "en homme" to grab a bite, and pick up some pantyhose. The cashier was pleasant but gave me a double take when I bought them, probably only because she knew that the convention was in town. I was still extremely nervous about leaving the room "en femme", but the cocktail party prior to dinner was waiting.

I left the room dead on cocktail time figuring that a couple of drinks might loosen me up. There was a gentleman in the elevator trying to get to the lobby but having a hard time trying to find the correct buttons. I assisted and when we got to his floor he held the door for me, I don't think it was until I spoke to tell him "I was on the next floor" that he realized that I was not quite what I appeared to be. That kind of acceptance is all I am looking for when out "en femme". It would be nice to be able to change vocal tone well enough to "not be read" but if the look works, that is the first major step.

On arrival downstairs at the cocktail party, there were not too many gathered yet. I set a bee line to the bar and quickly backed my first drink. A few "girls" had gathered by a stand up table, so I ordered another drink and went and joined them. There I met Stef, who is quite active in her own state. Like myself, she was a hetro crossdresser and we seemed to have quite a bit in common. (Why are soooo many crosdressers into electronics, computers and music?) We chatted about relationships and found many similarities. She too was intimidated about being out, but she has obviously spent time out and had attended these things before. We got separated prior to dinner but caught up to each other prior to the dance. The Trans-Band was amazing! We both sat and enjoyed the music (and the drinks)......the only close call happened near the end of the dance, a large black man came into the room to check things out during a slow ballad. He came around the room in a mocking manner and saw Stef and I sitting there, he was about to ask one of us to dance when one of the staff walked him out. Talk about reverse bigotry?!

Before leaving for the evening, Stef told me that we were going to the mall Saturday, and I should meet her downstairs sometime in the morning. I still did not know how or if I could deal with an outing like that, but I would at least get made up to give it a try.

Saturday, I got up and got ready ( I never have crossdressed in the morning before) my normal 10 minutes to get ready for work was comparatively blown away by the 2 hours that I required for "en femme" shopping in daylight. Anyway I got downstairs at about 10:30 and saw Stef in a work group. I hung around for a while but she was stuck. (Probably my fault for being tardy....but pretty.)

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I walked around the convention floor and checked out some of the exhibits and salables, shortly after that I returned to my room (by this time feeling more comfortable getting in and out of elevators filled with hotel guests, most of who were not part of the conference) and began to clean up a little more of the work I had brought with me. The Maids wanted to clean the room, so I let them in and continued to work still "en femme". Typing with long nails isn't as difficult as I thought, but thank the great trangender gods for spell check!

That afternoon there was the one seminar that I wanted to attend; 'Couples and Families: Realization of concerns of family and others.' Dr. Sandra Cole gave the lecture (aimed mainly at professionals trying to cope with transgender issues), and did an excellent job filling the gaps for me personally and opening my mind to concepts of how family, loved ones and others are affected and react to the issues when confronted. Once again the "we" in the relationship is what is important, and nothing should be taken for granted. Once the realization comes through that you are transgendered, you, and those you choose to involve, must be prepared to "buy in" and find a common ground where by everyone can accept their part, rights, privileges and obligations! You as the transgendered person has had to live with the problem all your life, however when you involve others, this behavior may come as a complete surprise, and the reaction can result in shock and trauma, slashing a cut deep into a relationship that may the be left with a long lasting scar! You are inviting the individuals that you tell into "your own personal Hell" ....and why would anyone consentingly want to go there?

Once again, Communication is the key to understanding......and we are talking about open Two Way Communication, not strictly outgoing! You must have respect for the confusion and frustration that you donate to others upon coming out to them. Don't expect them to be supportive if you are only concerned with you. The decision to keep the activity a secret or not should be a joint decision! For some couples, ignorance of the activity (knowing but not actively supporting) still holds true and the relationship continues on that basis.

I returned to the room once again and upon glancing in the mirror, realized that I would have to do the shave thing again.....twice in one day, on the weekend, none the less! Oh well, I guess Stef had just got even for me being late.

The Gala and Awards Banquet was that evening. I was confused on what to wear, as from some of the past pictures the gowns have been extravagant. I put on a long classy skirt and blouse and scarf combo and hoped it would do. I lost the fake glasses (which I had always thought made my "disguise" more complete) and relied on Jo-Anne Roberts: Art and Illusion Makeup Guide to get me buy. The clothes worn to the banquet varied from mini-skirts to sequined gowns, but the majority were tasteful. Black seemde to be the color of choice.

I met "the girls" at the same spot at the cocktail party, which filled more quickly than the night before. The hotel was also much busier, the elevators were quite full but only once did I get a double take. We grabbed a table for dinner and almost immediately the show began. The pageantry was nice, but how much lip sync can one endure. The "Ladies of the Court" looked amazing, and the ability to perform the flowing traditional female gender "posturing" and dance is a "gift" that I am sure they had to practice intensely.

The awards were all presented to deserving recipients, however most of the presenter and recipients speeches were lengthy although pertinent. At one point in the middle of the awards following an extremely long soliloquy by both presenter and recipient I had thought about leaving......but where did I have to go? I was dressed, I felt pretty, so I got another drink and came back to see the end. The bartender was to the point that she was pouring for me before I got to the bar. We chatted a bit and she

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said that she quite enjoyed the conference and people that she had met. A couple of the "girls" made a point of coming over and telling me how gorgeous I looked. I accepted the comments graciously, but I still am confused when I don't know if the comment is coming from a straight, bi, transexual, or gay individual...... I guess it really doesn't matter as long as you are open and communicate your own preferences up front!

Things broke up, and since Stef had to leave early, I didn't feel comfortable "going out alone" so I headed back to the safety of the hotel room. I had another drink, watched a bit of television, began the defrocking process and a did a little packing. I was satisfied with the fact that I had made the attempt to come to grips with my dressing, but having now gone through with the start of the "coming out" process. I had met other hetro TV's who were also dealing with it.....(in all sizes and shapes!) What I did not know was how my wife would react when I returned. She had known for at least 6 years, but how would she (WE) deal with the result?

The return trip from the airport was rough. I tried to use the information that I had learned and stay calm and logical but my wife was frustrated and felt betrayed. There were many tears but I tried to keep the open discussion going to try and answer any questions. I was amazed that she had put the whole thing out of her mind and chose to ignore the issue. (I was amazed at how she had distanced herself from the issue in her own mind.) I guess I was hiding things rather well!

The two factors that I was adamant about were, 1.That I loved her and our family more than anything. 2. That I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.

She stated that she didn't know what she was going to do. Her plans to continue to look for a new home were on hold as she didn't know what was going to happen to us. She said she needed a sounding board and possibly a psychologist. I told her about the support groups that are available, but she wanted some time to get herself together and make up her own mind.

The next few days at home were very tough. It definitely had an effect on the whole family.....when the parents are short tempered with the family the kids tend to get short tempered with each other. I was trying the whole time to maintain an objective view, but at times I felt like my whole world was turning to shit before my eyes.

Stef had given me her e-mail address and I contacted her to chat. She was definitely doing the "Been There - Done That!" routine. She was extremely supportive, and gave me info for my wife . She opened up to allow my wife to contact her supportive partner of 2 years if she wanted.

If I hadn't met other hetro TV's at the conference, I probably would have come home , purged the works and accepted my own frustration again for a year or so.

One evening, about a week later, after having a very rough night at an athletic club where we volunteer a great deal of our free time, she jumped on me about something I had done months before. I lost it.(But kept control in front of the kids.) I felt like the only way that I was worth any thing to her, would be if I was dead or gone! My head was pounding and I could not control my weeping. I got about 2 hours sleep that night trying to figure out what to do or how to react. The one thing I was sure of was that I did not want to loose my family or wife!

The next morning on the way to the train for work, my wife asked me a lot of questions. I think she realized that I was loosing' it and tried to get things straight for herself.

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That evening she quietly told me that she could live with "the issue" and do her best to understand, but she did not want to actively participate. To me this was a great relief and actually all I could hope for in the short term. Even though Stef thinks my wife is being an "ostrich", for the time being, I do not want to go public anyway, it would have too drastic an effect on my life, and my family.

The one thing that I have learned from this whole experience is that life is a journey. You can choose any route you want, unfortunately and a little morbidity, the final destination is always death. What is important however, is the journey itself. We create most of our own challenges and expectations, it is the unexpected that makes life interesting.

When you go to the fair, you can choose to get on the Ferris Wheel or the Rollercoaster.....I Always thought that the rollercoaster and bumper cars were much more fun!

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� 1996 [email protected]

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