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I had known there was something "different" about me since I was very young, but I never really paid any attention to it. I thought everyone had the same feelings I did. I found out, of course, that this was not the case as I grew older. I always had feelings for other boys, and saw girls as friends, but no more.
When I was a teenager, I became active sexually, and I had been taught by my school that homosexuality was a bad thing; that something must be "wrong" with me if I was having these feelings. Add to that peer pressure and taunting, and you can imagine how it all made me feel... I kept hoping it was something I would outgrow eventually.
When I was 19, I had my first boyfriend, a really sweet guy named Mike. We met at DeAnza College (this was when they used to have a Gay and Lesbian Alliance, aka "GALA"). He was about 26, if I remember right. Anyway, we got to talking, and so forth... We dated for about two months, then I dropped him like a hot potato (stupidly, looking back on it all), because he made a comment about me acting like a b****. I got scared and said, "Just because you're a fag doesn't mean you have to act like one!" (again, very stupid of me) , and stopped talking to him...
Later, when I was 22, I was working on Last Chance?, and one of the other actors in that film told me he was gay. Now, I had a bigtime crush on this guy, so I was more than a little excited to find this out. He already had a boyfriend, though (darn!), so we were just friends. He and his partner were very helpful and supportive of me as I "came out" to the world. I was taking a film production class at the time, so I made my semester project kind of a humourous little film... I called it The Dating Game, and it got alot of attention at school. My class loved it, and it got passed around and shown to many of the other classes... I think they still use it as an example of excellence in cinematography and story flow. (I know, I'm real modest, eh?) Unfortunately, I lost the videotape of it, but I still have my treatments and storyboards, so I'd like to re-shoot it one of these days...
So, anyway, I showed the film to my mother (who loved it), and she showed it to some of her co--workers. One day, she comes home with the videotape, and says, "You know, you ought to be careful who you let see this. Someone might think you're gay." I looked at her and said, "Well, guess what..." Let me tell you, boys and girls, it was all over from there! My parents freaked out at first (normal), but now that it's been about three years since the "revelation", they're much more accepting of my orientation, and have even welcomed a couple of my boyfriends (the two NICE ones...).
So, those of you who are struggling with coming out, realize that we all experience much the same kind of turmoil. Find a Gay & Lesbian Community Centre close to where you live, and join the support groups. Find a local chapter of PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians And Gays), and go to some meetings. Surround yourself with gay and lesbian people who can help you through the difficult parts (be very picky about these friends... some of the men will try to use you for sex. I've heard this is less of a problem for lesbians. Most importantly, don't let anyone pressure you into anything you're not comfortable with!), and make sure you talk to people you trust about your feelings.
If you don't know where your local G&L community centre is, e-mail me with your city, and I'll look it up for you. Any questions you may have, feel free to mail me with as well. I'll try my best to answer them. Also, depending on the volume of questions I get, I may start an archive on this site. If you don't want your question and answer to be posted, tell me.
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