• Does he have a license?
  
• Is he board certified?
  
• Do friends or co-workers recommend him?
  
• What is his particular area of expertise?
  
• Does he have any special training?
  
• How many years of experience does he have?
  
• Does he participate in scientific research or education?
  
• Is he accepting new patients?
  
• Who covers his patients when he is unavailable?
  
• Does he answer questions and explain treatments?
  
• How much time does he allocate for each appointment?

Questions to Ask When Choosing a Doctor (HMO version):

• Can you get an appointment this month? Is it with him, his "nurse practitioner," or just some guy he knows who's read "Coma"?

• When you ask how much a physical costs, does he say, "That depends. What do you look like?"

• Is the office constructed primarily of wired-together palm fronds?

• Are the chairs in the waiting room stackable?

• Is the receptionist listening intently to a police scanner?

• If there's a diploma displayed, is the printed name scratched out and your doctor's name pencilled in?

• On his business card under his name does it say "As seen on COPS"?

• Is his coat embroidered with the words, "My name's PACO and welcome to Cheep Chicken!"?

• In the examination room, is there a big spinning wheel with sections labeled "ZILCH", "NADA" and "PERCODAN!"?

• Is his examination table covered with paper toilet seat covers taped together?

• After every symptom you describe, does he say, "That don't sound so bad, ya wuss!"?

• Have you noticed that whenever he has you take off your clothes his friend Oscar always comes in? After you've disrobed do they just sit there and giggle?

• Does he use sporks for tongue depressors?

• Does he prep you for injections with KFC wash-n-dri's?

• After he gives you a shot, does he jab himself with the leftovers?

• After returning from an interruption are his eyes bloodshot and is he singing old Sylvester songs?

• When you ask why he prescribed a certain medication, does he answer, "Because it's CHEAP!"

• Does his diagnosis sound suspiciously like "cooties" in pig-latin?

• Did he tell you he couldn't write you a prescription because he already wrote one this month?

• For your medication, does he have you stick your hand into a bag full of free samples?

• If he prescribes pills, does he hand them to you going, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me . . . "?

• When you ask for a referral to a specialist, does he say, "You sayin' I ain't special?"?

• During your genital examination, does he repeatedly slap himself in the face and say, "Doc's been a BAD boy!"