Dennis Miller, to prepare for his Monday Night Football job, practiced by doing commentray during episodes of GH. A friend of mine managed to get their hands on a video of one of those sessions, here’s the transcript: Jax! Jax! Help, I had another dream, Jax...
MILLER: Yeah, Martin Luther King Jr. had a dream, too. It was about breaking down the walls of prejudice and working towards the equality of people from all races. Yours is about a music box that plays “Sleeping Beauty.” It has all the resonance of the It’s A Small World ride. Let’s get some perspective, babe.
...I was looking through Helena’s eyes again...
MILLER: Yeesh. I haven’t heard a story this contrived since Clarence Thomas spoke at length about pubic hairs on Coke cans. It’s like Beastmaster meets Driving Miss Daisy.When Chloe screamed the other day, I figured it was because Mama Cass walked by a mirror after getting out of the shower.
Always protect your queen...
MILLER: Didn’t Liberace have similar words to his orchestra before going on-stage?
Come on, Sonny... We were good together... We can be again...
MILLER: This Carly is a piece of work, huh. There hasn’t been a sexual predator this charged up since Don Juan started getting free Cinemax. Let’s just say that when Carly walks in a room, Madonna stops moving, you hear what I’m saying?
Crrly, how mnny tmes msst we go ththrths... We dnnt blnnng tgthhrrr...
MILLER: I’m sorry, was Sonny speaking in English? Or is South Park’s Kenny now an acting coach? At least Brando could blame cotton balls.
Excuse me, sir, did you see a petite woman with long, dark hair pass through this villa?...
MILLER: First Hannah, now this... (laughs to self) This show is starting to look like a Telemundo version of The Patty Duke Show.
Lucky just keeps playing games with my heart, Emily......and it hurts so much...
MILLER: Man, I havent seen waterworks like this since Chad Lowe caught a rerun of Brian’s Song. Liz, babe, you have about as much a chance of getting lucky as Jm J. Bullock does in a sorority house.
Felicia, as my grandaughter, your behavior has been most disappointing...
MILLER: “Timmmmmy! Timmmmmmy!”
[Bobbie approaches Roy in a revealing negligee]
MILLER: (wistfully) Somewhere in heaven Karl Malden is mourning the thousands of American Express cards that had to die to make that cleavage happen.
If we split up at this rave, we’ll have a better chance of finding the guy who framed Emily...
MILLER: This a rave? That’s funny, I thought it was the haunted house Halloween party at which Richie Cunningham got spooked by Bag and the Demons gang. Swingin’ scene, kids.
[David Spade enters the booth to pay a visit to his old Saturday Night Live pal]
Come on guys, we’re talking about the death of a COP, and Emily is implicated. IF anyone finds out, we’re all in trouble...
SPADE: I loved this story… theeeeeee first time I saw it... in I Know What You Did Last Summer.
Grandfather, you have to face facts. I’m Eddie Maine now. I’m not coming back to ELQ...
SPADE: Hey, Ned. Maynard G. Krebs just called. He wants his facial hair back.
[Lila rolls in]
SPADE: Hey, mother Quartermaine. Ringling Brothers Circus just called. They want their Big Top tent back.
[Dana Carvey pops in dressed as “The Church Lady”]
Mark my words, Andreas... Chloe Morgan WILL die...
