5.16.43 10th Pass

I am NOT confused anymore! T'asu thought he could sweet talk his way with me! And he thought he could sweet talk that lil lady from the Hold! Boy was he surprised when she turned out to be a very talkative candidate during the next clutch cycle! I'm finished with men forever! There is only Wilanth for me. Speaking of, she turns 1 soon. I wonder if they'll have a barracks celebration or what? K'fen hasn't said anything about it to me.

12.08.43 10th Pass

Wilanth is flying. She's really flying. I still remember the first time she flew up above the bowl. I felt like I was floating with her. I couldn't ride her then, her frame was too small. But finally we were allowed to fly together. I can't begin to describe it. I've flown dragonback before as a passenger, but to know I was in control of her movement, I had to keep every thought of hers focused on the task. It was just amazing. They say it won't be long now, less than six months and we'll be ready to be put into the wings. But now I'm a little nervous. What if.. we don't make it that far? Between is the last lesson we learn after our long flight out of the weyr. They say the first time between is the hardest. Some weyrlings never come out of between their first time. I hope we make it.

3.12.44 10th Pass

Today was the mating flight speech. It's something everyone has to hear, because sooner or later we're all going to have to have --- SEX --- yes sex! I tried to act so calm, didn't let on that I wasn't -- well I'm not exactly a hundred percent innocent. I mean, I have seen studs cover mares before, but I haven't -- that is.. Maybe I'm eighty percent pure. The fun part about today was that they tried to show those hold born folks what a mating flight was like. Of course it's not like every green in the weyr hasn't risen once since we impressed but K'fen asked me to give an example. Oh boy was that funny! I chased him down and picked K'fen up and threw him over my shoulder. He felt it was unecessary I show them that particular aspect but something in me.. perhaps it was Wilanth's influence, made me want to do it just to get a laugh. K'fen really is light weight. I ought to ask Torrence if he's that easy to pick up in bed.

4.06.44 10th Pass

I AM NEVER EVER FORGIVING LEARAN!
Do you know what our idiotic Journeyman Herder has done? He's traded a bunch of the runners to the Beastcraft Hall to get herdbeasts in return! He is going to trade Pai away! Pai!! My beloved! It's not fair! I tried to be reasonable and ask him not to do it but he refused to listen to me. When he walked away I ran after to get his attention and I accidentally knocked him down! Now I'm not only in trouble for attacking a Journeyman but because I was in..insubordinate. Whatever the shardin shell that means. Damn him!!

6.29.44 10th Pass

It was a sevenday ago that Terrilia came up to me and asked me to be a rider in her wing. I made it through between - proof that I can enter this in my journal. I'm the newest member of Sandstorm wing. I even got a cool patch to sew on to my jacket. It's so pretty. Speaking of sewing, I got some great compliments on Wilanth's straps. Her's are the best in the wing! I really hope I can learn from Terrilia. She's the Weyrsecond. Lately at dinner I've been sitting with Livia, Hicerth's rider. She was our candidate helper. She's really nice, a little reserved, but I think she's cute.

8.02.44 10th Pass

Last night, Wilanth rose in her first mating cycle. My hands were shaking. I tried to keep calm but it's almost impossible when that feeling is on you. I felt like I couldn't drink enough and even after there was that coppery tang of blood - I could smell and taste it everywhere. She fought me, my darling Wilanth fought me but I managed to keep her from eating. There were several riders there, I don't even remember half of who was there. I can remember seeing Livia, how sweet she is, J'nas, my childhood friend and I remember Lystra. Lystra, from High Reaches Weyr. Her Rhouenth caught Wilanth. She didn't stay very long. Perhaps I was awkward, maybe I wasn't pleasing. I wish I knew, but my only experience was when I asked for help from N'ren. But one thing bothers me... why did it feel nicer with Lystra than N'ren?

1.11.45 10th Pass

And it happens again. They warned me Wilanth would rise on a regular cycle. This time it was a male. I didn't even catch his name. Wilanth threw his dragon off her ledge almost the very next morning so he left while I was sleeping. Lystra did that too. Is this something all riders do? It must be.

2.19.45 10th Pass

Wilanth went on search today! We were at Fort when she started telling me there was someone in the caverns she wanted that would be perfect for Cyrath and Riolth's clutch on the sands. I was so proud of her. She says I am silly for that because only she could pick the perfect candidates. She will only pick those that impress, she tells me. I hope it's true. Wouldn't that be a great reputation? Unfortunately that means the ones we bring in will be few. I don't know if I like that. It turned out she wanted Rosmyn. That little Igen runner brat. She wasn't very nice when we searched her, almost seemed like she hated us asking her.

4.07.45 10th Pass

HA! Wilanth was right! Rosmyn impressed a beautiful green. That boy from Keroon impressed a blue and our final candidate, Reba, impressed a brown. Wilanth has a good nose. I wonder if I should take her to the other hatchings and see if I can't place a few bets. She assures me we'll win.

6.18.46 10th Pass

I haven't written in here much but then I don't think there's much to write about. Livia and I visited Harper Hall with Wilanth and Hicerth today. I wish I knew when it happened. Somewhere along the way... my heart has changed. Every time I'm near Livia I feel as if my stomach is fluttering, like I'm flying but I'll never stop. I can't stop staring at her. Sometimes, I think she's looking too, but I can't be sure. I don't want to tell her how I'm feeling because if she didn't feel the same...she might stop being my friend. I don't know what to do.

9.02.46 10th Pass

My sweet tooth is aching. I want sweets. Stupid sweetener shortage. Sarai says we can't even bring sweetener into the weyr. Is the woman crazy? I think she is. H'som approached me about sweetener, telling me there were others smuggling it into the weyr. I think I will do it. I FEEL THE NEED FOR SWEET!

10.08.46 10th Pass

Betrayed! By my own best friend! I'll never live this down! Livia found out about my sweetener and she told on me! Apparently she was on that stupid Igen Watch wing they formed to search out the smugglers since that stupid rider was caught. And now I'm caught. I didn't tell them I got it from K'ti. I'm not stupid. No need for her to be found out. But Livia.. I can't believe she told on me. I feel like I was betrayed, but I understand why she did it. She's so good. And I'm not. I'll never have a chance with her now. When did I start loving her?

12.09.46 10th Pass

Another mating flight and another cycle. Wilanth is starting to get predictable. Whenever she starts telling her Harper Hall stories, I know she's going to rise. Last night J'nol's blue Omalth caught. He's still a weyrling -- that made me feel weird. But he was quick about it. I was out of there twenty minutes later. He was sleeping - and well.. He took his pleasures is all I can say. I found Livia drunk on the beach. She and I talked.. I swear she wanted to tell me something. And I think I wanted to hear it. Every time I see her now, all I can think of is what it would be like to kiss her, to hold her and to have her.

1.1.47 10th Pass

Tonight I talked with Livia at the Lava Lounge. I went back there to see if anything jolted my memory the night I got drunk. I didn't see anything familiar -- except my handwriting. Apparently I scribbled her name and the fact ..the fact... Alright, damn it, I made three turnover resolutions. I will not fight. I will not lie and I will not be angry all the time. And I will not lie - I love Livia. I told her that tonight. I told her how much I loved her. I know she loves me too. I've seen the looks she gives me. She was so close to admitting it that night. But she keeps denying herself - lying to herself that she can't have me. I've told her, I'm hers. I left it up to her. I'm waiting in my weyr - I told her to come to me tonight. I left her there, but I trust Hicerth to bring her to me.

1.2.47 10th Pass

She didn't come. Why oh why didn't she come? Why?

1.4.47 10th Pass

I saw Livia yesterday. She told me she loved me. I haven't eaten or slept much these past few days. When she told me she loved me, she tried to brush me off. Why? I wouldn't let her do it. I went to her weyr and I waited for her. I wasn't going to take no for an answer. I was going to do anything I could to keep her with me. I will never forget last night. Today I'm so happy. I know Livia loves me and I love her.

1.5.47 10th Pass

I'm a fool. I'm such a fool. I believed Livia loved me. She loves me, but not just me. There's someone more important than I am. It's not Hicerth and she won't tell me who. She said it would never happen. I will never have her...she is lost to me forever. She must have known. Yesterday she asked me if I'd rather have her for one night or not at all. I was stupid -- I thought she didn't mean it. Oh she meant it. She meant that one night we had together. I wasted it. Shards what a fool I am. I'm never loving anyone ever again. If not for Wilanth... I think I could disappear forever. It wouldn't hurt then.

1.23.47 10th Pass

I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. My heart has such a huge hole in it. Wilanth fills my time but I'm resorting to measures that can only be described as self destructive. Last night I actually slept with J'nol again. This time I can't blame Wilanth. I propositioned him after Rosmyn's flight. It was unfair of me to do that to him. I don't like him except as perhaps a friend. But I couldn't stop thinking of Livia and I thought perhaps the hurt would go away. It didn't. It's still here and now I hate myself even further because I'll probably end up hurting J'nol. He's gotten better at any rate. At first he passed out in my weyr, but I managed to wake him up later.
While he was passed out, I went to talk to Livia. I almost considered not doing it but after I talked to Livia I couldn't think of anything except that I might hurt her as much as she hurt me. I was wrong. I couldn't hurt her worse than I am hurting myself. Chayil tried to talk to me but I wouldn't listen. How can she possibly understand what I'm going through? She's never experienced anything like this. I want to know who is keeping Livia from me. Why does she love this person more than me? I know she loves me. I know she wants me. What's stopping her? Who's stopping her?

2.26.47 10th Pass

I'm late. I didn't even realize it until Bairhd's wedding had passed. My brother scewed up his vows at his own wedding. I don't think I'll forget him stuttering over the 'till death do us part.' Poor Elissa. Torrence hit on Valaris who was kind enough to go with me when Livia told me to find another friend to go. Actually what she said was "Don't you have a friend who can go with?" So she doesn't even think she's my friend anymore? Faranth! Shard it! I need a friend - I need to tell someone but there's no one I trust. Please let this be stress. I don't want to go to the healers because they'll tell someone. I'm just gonna have to do this alone.

5.28.47 10th Pass

Last night Hicerth caught Wilanth for the first time ever. I pleaded with Livia to take him away from the weyr. It was too late by then. Wilanth had his attention and he wasn't going anywhere. I feel as if no good will come of this. My heart is already hurting, knowing I can't have this with her every night. I can't even begin to describe what happened between us. I felt like it was meant to be. She's so beautiful. I can't stop looking at her. I keep asking myself why she has to love another that's not me? I'm so confused about how I feel about her.


(Pictures made by Mortal)

6.6.49 10th Pass

It's been two years since I have written in this. Much has happened but the most frightening thing is that my friendship with Livia has spoiled and died. We've been arguing so much lately we seem to be always at odds with each other. I never questioned why. I thought perhaps it was a rough patch. Now I know. We could never be friends. Her definition of friendship is not even the same as mine. I believe friends tell each other everything, keeping nothing from each other. She doesn't.

I can't even talk to Chayil about it. I tried to, but she fully supported Livia in the matter. What could I expect? She did after all impress with Livia and has known her alot longer than me. She pities me. Sometimes she is angry with me. She tries to help, being friends with both myself and Livia must be exhausting for her, but it makes me angry that she never sees things as I do. It also makes me angry that I feel like I have no one to turn to. No one human that is.

Perhaps, it is time to leave Igen. Rosmyn did it. It is my home and always has been, but lately, I feel no love for it.