9/28/01

The residual aftertaste left in my mind,
The actual moment too strong and unkind,
My pulse shakes my limbs and my insides all through,
Oh baby, who is it that you’re talking to?

I’m frozen and solid but brittle in soul,
I’m weak and I’m scared and I’m losing control,
I’d rather go home than stand here next to you,
Why are you still here, whom are you talking to?

I still have no clue how to be on your side,
And just what you’re thinking and what to decide,
I can barely stand, and I swear, this is true,
I do feel it, you know—whom are you talking to?

My god, do you hate me, or did you forget me,
Or did you ever know, did you ever regret me,
I wish I were careless and heartless like you,
Whom you’re with, it’s not me, whom are you talking to?

When you go, do you think, do you miss me at all,
Does it matter that I try to change and I fall,
Did you even notice or check if it’s true,
Who’s the fortunate bastard that you’re talking to?

You’re somewhere, you’re someone, you’re out of my reach,
You’re out doing something; I won’t talk, I won’t preach,
This is it, this is it, this is what I can do,
Hear it, can you hear it, this is it, this is it,
I don’t understand you, I don’t understand you,
But can you hear me, can you hear me…

Oh—who is it, tell me, that you’re talking to?

10/5/01

So it's about 1:20 AM right now, and I'm now officially 23 years old. I just keep getting older, don't I? I know, how profound, but that's just how it feels. I've been giving serious thought to shutting this page down, because I think that most of the people who read it are weirdos who stalk me and people who know me well enough not to need to read it. It's good for me because I like having a place to freewrite. I originally made this page so I could post Fantastical Argon, but this log is getting far many more hits than the comic, so fuck it. I mean, did you guys even know that this page has been updated like 12 times in the past several months? Anyway. I'm writing right now because I won't get a chance to make an entry tomorrow (er, during the day) because I'll be out.

I bought myself a guitar for my birthday. Mike came with me to pick it out because he's been playing for over a decade and he knows something about them. What I got is an electric guitar (Fender). Then I started thinking about how I need to get lessons and Mike said he'll teach me. I don't know if it'll work out b/c since we always hang out anyway, we'll probably goof off more than I would if I had an instructor who wasn't also my friend. I guess we'll see how it works out. Both he and my brother told me that I have to practice playing it all the time because it's too nice a guitar to just sit around and gather dust. Well--it's really too good a guitar for someone like me to have anyway, considering that I know nothing about music at this point.

Why am I so dissatisfied with everything? Why can't I feel relaxed if I can't call up Mike at 2 in the morning because I feel dissatisfiedwith my life? Why can't I feel ok because I know he cares, even if he's not here with me at the moment?

"is there something going on between you and Mike?"

The question that every roommate I ever had asked me. And the answer is that unfortunately, no. There's a serious barrier on my emotions on some level. It's really fucked up. And because he's too important a person for me to lose through a relationship like I lost so many other people. I know how melodramatic that sounds but it's really something I'm concerned about.

Ron said that tomorrow night Ashton Kutcher is going to be on the Jay Leno show (for my birthday). I think I'll still be out with my friends when it comes on, but man that boy is hot.

You know--one thing I really, really wish is that this whole not-being-able-to-sleep thing would go away. It's really not me and it's been driving me crazy for a really long time now. I used to view sleep as an escape from the difficult things in life. Now it's like I can't fall asleep unless I get something resolved in my mind, and I'm not even sure what that thing is, it's more emotional than logical.

And I wish you sons of bitches wouldn't think "maybe you should see a doctor or a psychologist about that," like it can be "solved" that easily, like you get unrest "fixed" the way you get your shoes fixed at the shoe repair. Ah fuck it, I'm just wasting time now.

10/7/01

I found this on the web. It's sick, wrong, and disturbing.

10/11/01

The dates seem like binary code these days.

Ha. Ha.

I walk around tired because I don't sleep enough even when I try to sleep, and I walk around melancholy because I couldn't fall in love with anyone else because he's still out there.

I was stirring--what was it--phenyl methyl sulfonyl whatever the fuck, it's poisonous, it even smells poisonous, because you know, some chemicals don't smell as harmful as they are. I was wearing a ton of protective gear because I was just a little paranoid that some of that shit would get on me. I didn't even wear my own labcoat because what if some of it got on my labcoat and then I would touch my labcoat with my bare fingers one day.

All you have to do is drink some of that shit and it's all over--you no longer have control over the intricate ways it can seep itself into your tissues--you're pretty much screwed. And I bet it hurts, too, and you know that it hurts because of how it's fucking up all the things that normally go so right in your body.

All I have to do is say "I love you" or "I love Mike" and it's all over, then it'll be harder than ever to get him back. Or I mean, get him at all.

Sometimes when I write on here, I think to myself, I can't be so elementary as to state the obvious, but more times than not you motherfuckers never understand beyond the obvious, why the hell do I bother?

The song Knives Out is amazing:

I want you to know, he's not coming back
Look into my eyes, I'm not coming back
So knives out
Catch the mouse
Chop its head, shove it in your mouth

What it feels like to me, is like the realization that someone you really cared about is not on your side, doesn't think about you, let alone cares about you, and really won't come back to get you. What you should do at this point is realize that that person is really not on your side and for your own sake, take that person for all they're worth, chop them up completely to your advantage--they would do the same. And the person telling you to do this is that same person whom you're supposed to chop up--who are telling you this out of the bitter irony and guilt of knowing that they don't care about you and are about to leave you--"you may as well try to take me for all I'm worth, that's the best advice I can give you before I go." I can so feel that melancholy, bitter reality.

You ask someone else what they think it's about and they say: abortion.

Maybe thom really wasn't being that deep then. Maybe all my complicated emotions are going in the trash. All you sons of bitches want to do anyway is ruminate over and over about cliche issues that are so trendy to ruminate over.

"Racism! Scandals!"

No wonder I'm not too thrilled about people and society.

10/16/01

My mind races a mile a minute, that's what it's like when your emotions are hit like a giant metal pot that you dropped on the ground, you can barely keep one thought in place. I sit here and type at my desk, with a gray sweatshirt and my hair in a ponytail, the pool is closed for renovations and so I can't go swimming, tonight I have to wear a facial mask, it's good for your skin, and I learned to play "Sweet Child of Mine" on the guitar. I've only been playing the guitar for about a week or two and I learned to play Sweet Child of Mine, I still sound plucky and messy, and today I missed my dentist appointment because it was at 7:30 in the morning and I just couldn't haul my ass out of bed to be up that early, I didn't even get to the lab until 10:30 AM and I've been lethargic all day--because I've been up till 4 am the night before--trying to compose music on an instrument I don't really have a clue about how to play; it took me forever to write down tablature for the lyrics I've had swimming in my head for months. Mike named my guitar Andromeda

Good night, my Hillian

She got him every night, can you imagine that?

The following is the song Dave played for me last spring when he used to acknowledge my existance, it's been in my head ever since--

You called me last night on the telephone
And I was glad to hear from you 'cause I was all alone
You said, "It's snowing, it's snowing! God, I hate this weather."
Now I walk through blizzards just to get us back together

We met in the springtime at a rock-and-roll show
It was on the Bowery when it was time to go
We kissed on the subway in the middle of the night
I held your hand, you held mine, it was the best night of my life.

'Cause everyone's your friend in New York City
And everything looks beautiful when you're young and pretty
The streets are paved with diamonds and there's just so much to see
But the best thing about New York City is you and me

You wrote me a letter just the other day
Said, "Springtime is coming soon so why don't you come to stay."
I packed my stuff, got on the bus, I can't believe it's true
I'm three days from New York City and I'm three days from you

'Cause everyone's my friend in New York City
And everything looks beautiful when you're young and pretty
The streets are paved with diamonds and there's just so much to see
But the best thing about New York City is you and me

'Cause everyone's my friend in New York City
And everything looks beautiful when you're young and pretty
The streets are paved with diamonds and there's just so much to see
But the best thing about New York City is you and me.

When he played it, it was warm and sunny toward the end of the winter in LA, it was Monday of Dead Week and nobody else was home, he was playing the guitar on my bed (that's the picture I have on this webpage) and I was lying down and fingering his shoelaces, he played so loud, he sang off pitch, and when I heard him play that song I almost started crying, it sounded so much like what happened between him and me, and he didn't even know it or care about it. He went to school in New York and he always complained about how cold it was there. Who's it by, I asked, and he said, They Might be Giants, which didn't sound right to me since most of their songs are funny--he said they also have serious songs--but later I found out that this song was originally written by another group called Cub.

What an odd song, right? Everyone's your friend in New York City...?!

Pass mixture through increasing needle gage--just upon reading that, you have absolutely no idea how difficult that is and how much it strains your arms (especially if you're a sissy like I am)--I sat there for an hour or so trying to squeeze the solution through smaller and smaller needles, it was especially annoying because I was supposed to take four to six passage for each gage--by the time I got to the 27 gage, it became so difficult that I only passed it through once, and it took me forever to do that. What is it with things being too difficult lately--I can't believe how much effort I had to invest in twisting open the tip of the liquid nitrogen tank.

Yesterday I had to stay at the lab till almost 9 pm, waiting for my gel to finish running. I asked my brother to come over and keep me company but he didn't want to, so I brought the guitar so I could practice. Mike just replaced the strings on it and they got out of tune quickly, I tried tuning them but I think I made them too tight. I sat there in front of Rob's computer with my lab coat on, surfing the web with the guitar in my lap--I didn't look as cool as I hoped. My guitar is a sunburst Fender standard strat--but I'm still a tired, unhappy rambling person.

9/22/01

My life has become completely meaningless, I can never sleep anymore, it's 3:30 AM and I need to be up for work, and I can't fall asleep for the life of me, he doesn't even talk to me, he's completely coldhearted toward the situation, it means nothing to him, and sadly I know what it's like on the receiving end--I know what it's like not to care and be completely cold against the situation--which is why I can't say anything to him.

I feel like I can't fall in love anyone else aside from him, I've never been like this before, I don't know what the hell is wrong with me, I am completely disinterested in anyone else because they're not him, and if this is a phase, then it's an awfully long phase which has lasted a year and a half so far. He doesn't even talk to me. He doesn't even talk to me.

And all I can do is lie wide-eyed in my bed and want to start crying but not have any tears or the energy;

Hilli, you can't make me fall in love with you

what bothered me the most about what he said was his arrogance to assume that I was in love with him, that I was unaware of the fact that he wasn't in love with me. I was too proud to ever tell him how I felt unless he felt the same way.

And it's difficult to really admit to myself that I am in love with him, although the word I prefer to use is obsessed because this isn't a good thing. Oh god what the hell am I gonna do, I've been banging my head against the wall for so long, it would be so good for me to get this the hell out of my life, I've been so unhappy for so long

It's eating me alive that he's not talking to me, does he hate me, why can't he just talk to me as a friend, he doesn't even acknowledge my existance anymore. I'm not exaggerating when I think that he's such an amazing person.

You don't understand, I don't even go to class till Wednesday

I feel like a stabbed piece of flesh that 's been pounded and smashed thousands of times.

I would suffocate a hundred times to have him back

Against my will, too--even the times I felt strong enough that my anger at how he treated me overcame my feelings didn't last too long--and it eats me alive that there was someone he was in love with before he met me, and there will be someone after me

And it disgusts me that I've given up all that I am and all that I could do to become this pathetic person.

I never had him. I never had him. I felt that every time I held him, and I held him as tightly as I possibly could so maybe I could have him, but it had nothing to do with how tightly I held him or how desperately I looked into his eyes, the next day he would be gone and god knows if I would ever see or hear from him again. His life has nothing to do with me. There are so many good things in his life that have nothing to do with me. So why the hell would I talk to him anyway.

everything's so great in Idaho

And everyone's your friend in New York City

It's so difficult for me to go through all the things that affect me so deeply and at the same time remind myself that no matter how deeply they affect me, they only affect me and nobody else.  Hell, trying to play the guitar is like feeling through the world blind, I have virtually no understanding of guitar and what's so great about playing guitar, all I know is that to some people it's really interesting--and my attempts to write tablature for guitar are even more like trying to wander through the world blind. It's completely meaningless that I have "exceptionally good lab tecnique" and a high GPA and that I was really good at ballet. Or that I'm strong enough to beat up my 6' brother or that I know how to draw and write, and that I've done these things before I ever knew he existed. my existance simply doesn't mean a thing to him. I want so much for something else to mean this much to me, but every guy I date reminds me that he's not him.

I don't even want to say anything to him--I'm so afraid that he'll say straight out, I really don't want to hear from you, I really have no feelings left for you like the time when I asked him if he could just stop caring about me, and he said, yes, I could. And when I said, that hurts me, all he said was I know. Someone who's capable of saying that is someone whom you can expect to stomp over every attempt on your part to reach out to him.

Why should my life be so worthless?

I don't know. But that's the kind of feeling I have floating in my mind all the time.

As melodramatic as all this sounds, that's really how I feel. And as melodramatic as this sounds,  I really hope I can fall asleep after this, because I hate it when I wake up and I can't get myself out of bed.

10/24/01

Mike makes me happy.

10/28/01

so I finally upgraded my computer. Hopefully now there won't be any further spontaneous restarts (it's about time that I've taken care of that, it's been doing that for over a year!) I got a new power supply, a new motherboard, a new processor, and some more memory. Now my computer is worthy of downloading MAME super puzzle fighter 2, which I did, and I swear I'm getting too good at that game. I need to play against someone really good b/c I beat the computer most of the time even on the hard setting.

While I was at it, I also got the dvd for 'dude where's my car,' which is a stupid movie but has the hottest guy in the world in it (ashton kutcher) making out with another (yet not so hot) guy.

I wanted to go to Monterey with Mike for his birthday but he didn't want to go up that far so instead we're going to go to san diego. Should be alright even though it's not as exciting b/c it's pretty close. Damn that boy can play anything on the guitar as soon as he hears it, after like one or two listenings he started playing Creep and No Surprises. I think after I get Sweet Child of Mine down, I'll ask him to teach me No Surprises, which is my favorite radiohead song.

Speaking of music, I realized that there's a really good album out there by Beck that I never knew about, it's called Midnight Vultures or something? I need to get that. Blergh, one thing that I forgot to buy was a sound card (hence going on my sixth year with a soundcardless computer).

10/31/01

There are so many things that make me feel absolutely horrible. there is no word to describe how just how horrible. And it saddens me that this is maybe the third time I've said this in this stupid log.  Maybe it's these things that leave a sense of impending doom in the background of my mind during everything I do.

Only Mike makes me happy. This is an issue of neither romance nor unison. It's simply the way things are and I don't think whether or not that means anything is important.

It's not a happiness that solves the agony in my mind or a happiness that makes me feel complete. It's a protective happiness and a refuge from everything else. He really understands me and despite that he doesn't dislike me (anymore). Maybe if he was no longer in my life, I would want him back just as much as is the case with him. But I think it's a completely different issue.

You think you're tired of reading this? God knows, I'm sick of it being in my life.
 
 

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