Listen, she told me, I’ll take care of you, I’ll take care of me. I’ve earned so much.  I’m a pretty alright person, as far as people go.

And with my eyes tired and inflamed, I nodded, dizzy, exhausted, my insides stretching and bending.

And all that energy that was pent up behind the toughest lead wall she could erect, that was supposed to seep out slowly and carefully, a little at a time, crashed forth and exploded when he suddenly told me, wait!

It still feels like there’s a screen of water lining my eyes, ready to melt and combust with the rhythmic shivers in my upper arms.

I would suffocate a hundred times to have him back, I cried inside myself.

A year and so much mental anguish and loss of sleep later, I told him goodbye again; this time, he didn’t bother to respond. This was supposed to happen a year ago.

For the sake of my sanity, I need to swallow the fact that there may never be someone else who will so captivate and focus my attention with a single sentence, let alone a conversation, let alone an afternoon in his arms.

If I wasn’t so afraid to shut this peril of a life into a little box, I would go right ahead and do that, instead of shivering and twitching my dry eyes. I’m pretty pissed off at my entire physiology for the roller coaster it goes through in response to unimportant things.

Life played a pretty difficult game with her when she drove her frail mind head-first into everything the one-man battalion fought for, alone, only this time shining and reflecting silently from someone else’s eyes, glued to a toxic interlocked iron coldness that her frail hands will never unravel.

You want this? It’s unfortunate that at wanting is where you stop. It’s so difficult to swallow when what I wanted to hold on to was something I’ve always had within myself.

If only I could forget. If only I could sleep at night.