children are enough
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling
alleys.
After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.
I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's
been giving me lately!
"No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is
winning."
I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign:
"CHECKOUT TIME IS 18"
"If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many
dead rabbits on the highway?"
"How come we choose from just two people for president and
50 for Miss America?"
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes,
and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke
and not feeling well?
On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the
wrong nursery. There I was...surrounded by trees and bushes.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see
naked?
I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a
decimal point involved.
The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your
garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of
the people in this world.
I just got back from a pleasure trip - I drove my wife to
the airport!
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years ....then we met.
Every time I see a good looking girl in a bar I remember
Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where
it's been."
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in high school was my blood
alcohol content.
Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody
listens to you anyway.
I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me
here.
"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I
said, 'Thyroid problem?'"
"I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same
effect just by standing up really fast."
Sign In Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
Dyslexia means never having to say that you're yrros.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the
'terminal'?
I see your IQ test results were negative.
Regular naps prevent old age..... especially if you take
them while driving.
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are
you won't either.
I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of
them get elected.
I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common
among losers."
If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.
The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has
absolutely no trade-in value.
If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you
tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
Travel is very educational. I can now say "Kaopectate" in
seven different languages.