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| Ask Silvia |
| Who is Silvia? Silvia is what I would be if I was 17 and a female. She and I think exactly the same way on most subjects, especially when they�re work related. So why is Silvia answering these questions about work related matters instead of me? She�s better looking and more people, especially men, are going to be more likely to listen to her. That and she won the Rock Paper Scissors showdown. So here are work related questions sent in from several Serialclone.cjb.net viewers which Silvia will respond to: |
| Dear Silvia: I work in a supermarket and I hate it. I�ve been searching for a new job for the last six months, and I finally found one at a bank that will pay me twice as much as the supermarket. The bank wants me to start right away and I haven�t quit the supermarket yet. I really hate my job, but I can�t go to my boss and tell him I quit because I�m afraid he might persuade me to stay with generosity. I�ve already tried showing up late hoping I�ll get fired, but that doesn�t work. How could I tell my boss I quit without feeling guilty? Sincerely, Trapped in Tampa Dear Trapped: You spineless little cunt! What do you mean you can�t tell your boss you quit? You�re afraid of generosity? What the fuck could a grocery store manager possibly persuade you to stay with? Corn Niblets? Or Linda McCartney�s microwavable macaroni and cheese? Hey, if I give you a Manwhich, will you scrub the mildew off my shower? Well, it�s obvious that you have no courage to confront your boss, so how about confronting an animal instead? Check your Yellow Pages for a place that sells live poultry. I�m sure there has to be at least one in Tampa. Buy a live chicken for about twenty dollars. Bring it to work with you in a bag and try to keep it concealed until you get all the materials you need. Go to the butcher department of the store and ask to borrow a long knife. When you notice that there are a large amount of customers in the store then that�s when you start. Take the chicken out of the bag and let it loose in the store. Let it run around for a couple of seconds, then chase after the chicken waving the knife in the air over your head while shouting obscenities at it. The manager will eventually grab the chicken putting an end to your scene, but he�s not going to approve of brandishing a knife in the store and running after a barnyard animal. Even if that alone doesn�t get you fired, the yelling of obscenities in front of the customers will probably clinch your termination. Dear Silvia: I�ve been working at Blockbuster Video for the last three years. I�ve just received my degree and I�ll be working as a chemist very soon making nearly six figures. Because of my ranking as an assistant manager, I have to give at least a months notice before I can quit. Now I�m not too crazy about the store manager, but the district manager is a fuckhole. I hate him with a passion, and I would love to do something to really piss him off and get me fired at the same time, but the only things I can think of doing will get me put in jail. I really need a good idea to get fired, but most of all, I want to go out with a bang. Help me, Silvia. Sincerely, Devilish DVD Dealer Dear Devilish: First, shame on you for working at such a shithole place to rent movies. Why the Hell can I find four copies of Children Of The Corn 666, and not one trace of Get Shorty? What kind of knuckleheads do you have ordering these films anyway? Second, how dare you waste my time with stupid questions like this! The only ways you can think of to get fired from a place like Lackluster Video will land you in jail? What, were you thinking of taking a dump in the middle of the Children�s section? Not that it wouldn�t be a good idea, but you can do better than that; even if you�re dumb enough to work at Blockbuster. Here�s what you can do: you say you�re the assistant manager, right? One of the jobs of the assistant manager is to cover for the manager if he or she�s not in. You wait for when he or she tells you that they�re going to be out for a �while.� Be sure that the manager plans to be out for at least 45 minutes, and not just going to the convenient store to buy some Flamin� Hots and a Slurpee. Now, usually at any video store there is a VCR or DVD player behind the front counter hooked up to several televisions throughout the store that is normally used to show movies, or previews for movies. So instead of playing Little Piglet�s Big Adventure, you put in a hardcore anal porno film. But don�t watch it! In fact, don�t even let anyone know that you know it�s on. Just do your job like you would normally do it. When your manager gets back, he should be pretty pissed enough to fire you. And I can guarantee that most of the customers that have come to the store since you popped in the porn are going to be calling the district manager demanding some kind of compensation for what they had to see, so he�ll be pissed and about ready to kill you. But alas, you�ll be gone. Dear Silvia: I graduated high school about six months ago, but since I graduated I started working at McDonald�s because I don�t think I�m ready to go to college yet. McDonald�s is always said to be a shitty job, but honestly the pay isn�t that bad. But because people think it�s a shitty job, they think they can talk to me however they want. I don�t deserve that! I�m a human being. I�m working in the drive thru window giving the customers their food, and these assholes think that because they�re driving a Cadillac Escalade that they can treat me like shit. My manager says it�s all part of the job, but I want to get back at all these fuckers. What could I do? Sincerely, Bullied for Burgers Dear Bullied: My honest advice is to just quit and go to college. However, if you can�t Mc�get yourself out of this one, you�re in for a Mc�long stay. What could you do? How about what could you not do? You�re working with food for Christ�s sake. Food that people are going to eventually eat; the same people who are making your job more difficult than it has to be. But I only recommend tampering with food in extreme cases. Your situation is easy. You say you work in the drive-thru presenting the orders to the customers and telling them, �Thank you, come again.� So the next time some arrogant yuppie fuck comes to the drive thru in his Escalade giving you shit, when you hand him his supersized Mr. Pibb, you let go right before he gets his hands on it spilling the soda all over his leather seats. Close the drive-thru window, smile and wave goodbye to him. Of course, it will not be over at this point because you can be sure as shit this guy is going to park, come into the McDonald�s, complain to the manager about what happened, and if there�s time, kick your ass. But when the man is threatening to beat the piss out of you, and your manager is frantically trying to find out why you did it, you have the perfect excuse to tell them in your defense: you thought he had it. Back |