The Trouble With Twins - by Triste
"I don't know why you bother fighting. It's so obvious that I'm the one who's going to become Shaman King."
"Not even you can predict the future, Hao."
"You're trying to tell me that you're the one who'll become Shaman King and obtain the Great Spirits? You, my weakling counterpart? Don't make me laugh."
"Remember, nothing has been decided yet. We don't know who's going to end up as Shaman King, do we, Ren?"
"What are you talking about? I'm the one who's going to become Shaman King, not you and not your idiot twin brother."
"Isn't that cute, Yoh? He still sees you as his rival!"
"And I see you as nothing more than a pain in the neck whose presence I have yet to eradicate from the face of the earth."
Asakura Hao pouted mournfully at the young boy sitting opposite him. "Don't be like that, Ren. Besides, you have nothing to worry about. When I become Shaman King, I shall make you my Shaman Queen."
Ren made a choking sound in the back of his throat and he glared at Hao with an intensity that would stop a herd of rampaging buffalo dead in its tracks. "For the sake of my sanity, I'll pretend I didn't hear that."
"Everyone knows that the Shaman King needs a wife," Hao stated. "Yoh has that witch girl, doesn't he?"
"Her name is Anna, Hao," his brother reminded him.
"That witch girl Anna, then."
"Do you want her to slap you again that badly?"
Hao just laughed. "Poor little Yoh and his abusive fianc�e," he said mockingly. "You're just jealous because you wish our parents chose to set you up with Ren instead of her."
"Am not!" Yoh shot back, blushing angrily.
Hao beamed happily. "You're jealous that Ren will be my wife and not yours."
"I'm not going to marry either of you!" Ren growled.
"Oh yes you are!" Hao told him in a singsong voice. "Didn't I tell you I would make you mine? Didn't I say that I'd had my eye on you?"
"I saw him first!" Yoh said defensively.
"But he's not yours, is he?" Hao said smugly.
"I'm not anyone's!" Ren snapped. "And stop talking about me like I'm not even here!"
"Don't be greedy, little brother," Hao said, completely ignoring Ren's outburst. "You already have a fianc�e, so I think it's only fair that I should get one too. I'm a member of the Asakura family as well, remember?"
"Oh yes, I forgot," Yoh replied sarcastically. "But I wonder why our parents tried to kill you when you were first born, or why they never send you a card for your birthday, or invite you over for Christmas?"
"They are fools," Hao said dismissively. "Tiny, insignificant fools. But I have one thing to thank them for, I suppose. They brought me into this world so that I could take the title of Shaman King and finish the work that I started five hundred years ago." He paused thoughtfully for a moment before adding, "Oh yes, and make Ren my Queen."
"Stop saying that!" Ren gritted out dangerously.
"You want me to stop referring to you as my Queen?" asked Hao innocently. "Would you rather I referred to you as my bitch instead?"
Ren turned such a brilliant shade of red at that point that Yoh feared he was about to suffer an aneurysm.
"Stop teasing him, Hao!" he said, patting Ren's shoulder comfortingly.
"Whoever said I was teasing him?" Hao said, narrowing his eyes threateningly at the sight of his brother's hand on Ren's shoulder. "I'm deadly serious here. Ren will be mine and I would appreciate it if you kindly removed your hands from his being."
"Or what? You'll burn me to death with your Spirit of Fire?" Yoh smirked and slid his arm around Ren's waist, squeezing it reassuringly. "Don't worry," he told him affectionately. "Ignore Hao. He's just doing this for attention."
"Stop being so familiar with me!" Ren snarled, wrenching himself out of Yoh's grasp.
"That's right, you tell him who you belong to," Hao said brightly. "You'll have to excuse Yoh," he added. "He never learned to ask for permission before playing with his brother's toys."
"Ren is not a toy!" Yoh protested. "He's a human being with thoughts and feelings and he doesn't appreciate you embarrassing him the way you do!"
"I'm not embarrassing you, am I, Ren?" Hao said. "I flatter you with praise. Most people I know are utterly worthless, but you, my dear, are different. Nothing could compare to your beauty...apart from the Great Spirits, of course. Have I told you lately how much I admire your fashion sense also? I do rather like those revealing little shirts of yours. Tell me, Ren, how would you feel about wearing women's clothing? I intend to dress my Queen in nothing but the best, you know, and that means mini-skirts and skimpy negligees!"
He finally stopped talking when he realised that Ren wasn't even listening to him anymore. The Chinese Shaman was sitting with his shoulders hunched, his body shaking with barely suppressed rage. Even Yoh seemed to sense that Ren was dangerously close to flipping out completely and he tried to avert the threat of violence by rubbing the other boy's back soothingly.
"Calm down, Ren," he said gently. "You know Hao doesn't mean any of that stuff. He's just being silly."
"You..."
"Me?" Hao cocked his head to one side, staring curiously at Ren who was still sitting with his fists and teeth clenched tightly. "What's the matter? Did I say something wrong?"
Ren snarled and probably would have thrown himself at Hao and beaten him to within an inch of his life had Yoh not anticipated the movement and restrained Ren forcefully by grabbing hold of his arms.
"I'm sick and tired of your foolishness!" Ren foamed, struggling against Yoh's grip. "I'm tired of the way you constantly make fun of me. I'm tired of the way you're constantly stalking me. I'm tired of the way you're constantly fighting with Yoh over who has the right to take my virginity first. God dammit, I'll kill you!"
Hao just smiled serenely and watched as Ren continued to struggle.
"Well?" said Yoh breathlessly as he tried to hold Ren back. "Aren't you going to do anything? Aren't you going to call out Spirit of Fire or say your usual catchphrase of 'so tiny' or something?"
"Ahh, but Ren isn't tiny," Hao said smugly. "On the contrary, he's very well-endowed."
Ren looked as though he was about to explode.
"How do you know that?" Yoh asked accusingly.
"Let's just say I have my ways," Hao replied mysteriously.
"Bull shit," Ren spat. "You've been spying on me in the shower again, haven't you?"
"I couldn't resist the lure of your cute little butt," Hao said with a shrug and a smirk.
Now it was Yoh's turn to look furious. "You've been peeping?"
"I don't know why you're so angry, dear brother," Hao said dismissively as he examined his nails. "Or are you just envious that you didn't think of it first?"
"I would never intrude upon Ren's privacy like that!" Yoh announced, looking hurt.
"Oh, you wouldn't, would you?" Hao leered. "You don't know what you're missing out on."
"Why you!"
"Both of you, shut up!" Ren snapped irritably. "You're giving me a headache!"
"I'm sorry," said Hao, looking genuinely apologetic. "Would you like me to give you a massage to make you feel better? Or a kiss? Or even a long, drawn-out love-making session?"
"I want you to leave me the Hell alone," Ren grunted, sitting back down on the couch and crossing his arms over his chest as his cheeks turned faintly pink.
"So you definitely don't want a kiss then?"
"No he doesn't!" Yoh said, frowning over at his brother. "You heard Ren. He just wants to be left alone. He doesn't want you bothering him or following him or...kissing him."
"Can I make love to him then?"
"No!" Yoh and Ren shouted in unison, glaring over at the vaguely surprised-looking Hao.
"Just asking," he said, slightly miffed.
All three of them were silent for a while before Hao spoke up again.
"Hey, Ren, which of us do you think is better-looking?"
"Why are you asking me such a stupid question?" Ren responded with a frown. "You're identical twins. How could one of you be better looking than the other?"
"Well, our fashion sense is different," Hao told him. "And anyway, even a blind man could tell that I'm far sexier than Yoh is."
"Are you trying to say that I'm bad-looking?" Yoh asked, upset.
"Well, you're not bad looking," Hao said airily. "You *are* my other half, after all. I wouldn't allow you to be ugly. Just know that you're nothing compared to me, though. Besides, I don't think sexy is in your repertoire. The best look you can come up with is spacey."
"That's not nice!" Yoh turned to Ren who looked as though he was studiously trying to ignore every word that was coming out of his mouth. "Ren, you think I'm good-looking, right?"
"I think you're an idiot," Ren said flatly.
"But you like me more than Hao, don't you?"
Ren glanced over at Hao who was glaring daggers at his twin and sighed heavily. "I was wrong about what I said earlier. You're both idiots."
"Well, there's only one way to settle this," Hao announced suddenly, getting to his feet and smoothing down the wrinkles in his pants. "Ren's obviously confused. He can't decide which one of us he likes best, so I propose that we hold a contest."
"A contest?" Yoh echoed, confused.
"Yes, a contest. We each get to kiss Ren. Ren decides which one of us he prefers and the loser backs off. Simple, hmm?"
"I don't want either of you kissing me!" Ren said loudly, looking more than a little panicked. Predictably, both the other boys ignored him.
"Okay then, who goes first?" Yoh said coolly.
"I'm the oldest, therefore I get to go first," Hao replied smoothly.
"That's not fair!" Yoh protested. "Why can't I be the one to kiss him first?"
"Because I'm older than you are and with age comes privilege. You'll understand someday, Yoh."
"But it's still not fair! If you go first, then Ren will definitely pick you because you'll be his first kiss and first kisses are always special!"
"I've already been kissed, thank you very much," Ren said sniffily.
"WHAT?" Both brothers whirled to glare at him and Ren held up his hands defensively.
"Who kissed you?" Yoh asked angrily.
"Why didn't we know about it?" Hao demanded.
"When were you kissed?"
"Where were you kissed?"
"Did you like it?"
"Did you kiss back?"
"Enough with these infernal questions!" Ren growled, crossing his arms over his chest again. "And no, I didn't enjoy it. I was actually very dead at the time and it was because I was kissed that I came back to life."
"Oh, I remember now," Yoh said suddenly. "It was Iron Maiden Jeanne's spirit, wasn't it?"
"Your first kiss was from a ghost?" Hao looked murderous. "Are you telling me I've been beaten by a dead guy?"
"I'm sure your defeat is painful, but at least now you'll leave me alone," Ren said disinterestedly as he began to walk away.
"Oh no you don't!" Hao grabbed his arm and yanked Ren into his embrace, taking a minute to savour the smaller boy's shocked expression before firmly sealing his mouth over Ren's. Yoh watched jealously as Ren struggled at first, but then gradually relaxed in Hao's arms, surrendering and accepting his kiss. Hao pulled him closer and the hand that wasn't supporting Ren began to wander, sliding down his back and giving his ass a quick squeeze.
"That's enough!" Yoh said loudly, breaking them apart and pulling Ren toward him protectively. Hao looked smug while Ren looked slightly dazed.
"Think you can beat that, little brother?" Hao said challengingly. Yoh rolled his eyes and turned his attention to the one they were currently competing over.
"Ren? Are you okay?"
"Uh...sure..." Ren replied, still looking slightly disorientated. Yoh sighed and then smiled at him.
"Well, it's my turn now," he said sweetly. "Just relax and enjoy it, okay?"
He kissed Ren before the other boy could say anything more. He wasn't as brazen as Hao, but he made up for that with his gentleness, slowly bringing his hands up to cup Ren's face and stroking his thumbs over his cheeks tenderly.
Now it was Hao's turn to be jealous and he eventually pried them apart, glowering at his brother before waiting expectantly for Ren's decision.
"Well?" he said finally. "Which one of us is the better kisser?"
"Which one of us is better looking?" Yoh broke in.
"Which one of us would you prefer to go out with?"
"Which one of us would you prefer to spend the rest of your life with?"
Ren lifted a hand to his lips and stared at Yoh for a second before looking over at Hao. "I think I need a little more time to decide," he said weakly.
"Then we'll settle it with another kiss!" Hao declared. Yoh nodded, looking determined. Ren barely even had time to gasp in surprise before Hao pounced on him again.
It looked as though it was going to be a rather long night.
End.
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