Sibling Rivalries - by Triste
"I think we should go for white."
"Well, I think we should go for red."
"White."
"Red."
"White!"
"Red!"
Yoh and Hao glared at each other heatedly for a moment before turning their attention back to the mail order catalogue in front of them.
"So..." Yoh said after a while. "Why are you so keen on red?"
Hao shrugged. "Why are you so keen on white?"
Yoh blushed slightly. "I just think Ren would look good wearing white, what's all."
"And I think he'd look good in red."
"If he wears all red, then he'll just end up looking like a hooker."
"And if he wears all white, then he'll just end up looking like a bride!"
"I don't want Ren to look slutty!"
"And I don't want him to look virginal!"
Yoh sighed and looked out the window. "All right then, maybe we should compromise?" he suggested.
Hao glanced at him suspiciously out of the corner of his eye. "How do you mean?"
"Well, maybe we should pick out both white and red things for him."
"Ah. Slutty, but virginal, you mean?"
"Something like that."
"Hmm." Hao turned his attention back to the catalogue and flipped through it absently. Almost half an hour had passed by since they'd first opened the thing and they were still no closer to having picked out an outfit for Ren.
The whole thing had actually been Yoh's idea and Hao had been almost proud of his younger brother for a second before remembering that he hated his guts for getting so far ahead in the 'First to Get Into Tao Ren's Pants' competition. They were working on a points system at Yoh's insistence and Hao had agreed, much to the younger Asakura sibling's surprise. Hao wasn't known for his love of democracy, but he'd been confident that Yoh had no way on earth to actually beat him at this game. After all, he was Hao, suave, sophisticated and drop dead sexy, while Yoh was...well, most of the time, Yoh just looked stoned or confused, or sometimes even both.
In Hao's mind, there was no question who would end up winning this thing. It had been proven time and time again that Ren had no immunity to his seductive advances and because of that fact, Hao had been leading for quite a while now...until he'd fallen behind in the score ratings after Ren had kneed him in the groin for getting a little overenthusiastic with his groping.
The aim of the game was to be the first to score one hundred points and the prize was Ren's virginity. Points were awarded for successful hugs, kisses and gropes and also lost for being slapped, punched or kicked. Yoh had wanted to award points for blushing and cursing, but Hao had pointed out that Ren did both at least fifty times a day and therefore weren't really worth aiming for.
Hao was a pretty touchy-feely person anyway, especially when it came to Ren, so it had been no problem for him to drape himself over the younger boy and try to get as many kisses and gropes in before Ren stopped being dazed and confused and started getting angry and violent. Hao had been particularly pleased with himself for having actually gotten a hand inside Ren's boxers, but before he'd been able to get a good feel of the Tao Family Jewels, Ren had forcefully wriggled out of his grip and then made sure that Hao wouldn't be bothering him or even moving for at least ten or fifteen minutes by kneeing him in places that no man should ever be kneed, ever.
And so because of that, Hao had lost a whole fifteen points, allowing Yoh to pull ahead for the first time since they'd started this game.
Then again, fifteen points wasn't really that big a deal and Hao was confident that he'd easily be able to catch up again. For now, though, they were entertaining themselves by looking through a mail order catalogue and picking out clothes that Ren would look good in. The fact that they were *women's* clothes just made it even more fun.
It was rare that the Asakura brothers actually agreed on anything, but both were almost as eager to get Ren into a skirt as they were to get him into bed. Since he'd lost those precious fifteen points, Hao had been eager to make Yoh's life a living Hell, or at least as miserable as possible and he did this by picking on him and making fun of him (well, more so than usual), but also by hiding his favourite records and 'accidentally-on-purpose' dropping his beloved headphones into a sink full of hot soapy water.
Usually, Yoh believed in fairness and equality for everyone, but not when it came to Hao. He could play as dirty as his older brother sometimes and the fact that Hao's precious cream-coloured shawl, the one that made him look like a 'world-dominating pimp' (Hao's words, not Yoh's), was still in the dry cleaner's store while the owner of it tried his best to get out the tea stains and graffiti such as 'Never graduated from grade school' and 'Hao blows goats' was proof enough of that.
And so, when Hao had stumbled across Yoh sitting at the kitchen table and flipping through a catalogue only to pause every now and again to circle something before moving on again, he'd forcefully muscled in and demanded to participate in picking out an outfit for Ren once he'd found out what Yoh had been doing.
Although they'd both agreed that women's clothing was the way to go, they were far less eager to co-operate when it came to deciding what *type* of women's clothing Ren would look best in. Yoh's choices were more conservative and cutesy while Hao's tastes bordered on the obscene. Yoh tended to favour pretty dresses, while Hao preferred tiny tops and micro mini skirts. They'd squabbled and bickered until they'd eventually fallen silent to ponder and brood.
As always though, Yoh was the one to propose a temporary truce.
"How about we turn to the underwear section?" He smiled to himself as he flipped to the right page. "Hmm, panties...Ren would look good in panties. They'd go nicely with his pretty girl hips."
Hao nodded in agreement. "If he really was a girl, he'd have birthing hips," he said with a grin.
Yoh frowned slightly. "Are you saying that Ren's butt is big?"
"No, I'm not saying that at all. I'm just saying that he has the kind of hips that would bear me babies."
"Look, Hao, I know Ren's amazing and all, but he isn't actually a girl, although he may look like one. Even if he'd wanted to, he couldn't give you children."
Hao looked offended. "If I can transmigrate my soul through time and space to be born again whenever I damn well please, I'm pretty sure I could figure out a way to get Ren pregnant if I felt like it."
"Well, even if you did, Ren would never give you children," Yoh said smugly. "He'd give them to me!" He smiled dreamily and stared off into space for a moment. "I wouldn't even have to be Shaman King to fulfil my goal of living an easy life. I'd just have three or four children to run around and do everything for me!"
Hao glanced at his younger brother in distaste before turning back to the catalogue. Eventually, Yoh slipped out of his fantasy world and gazed down at the page in front of him thoughtfully.
"These look pretty," he said after a while. "Lace is pretty. White lace is pretty. Ren would look pretty in white lace panties. What do you think?"
"These ones are better," Hao insisted as he pointed out his preferred choice. "Ren would look so much sexier in a red silk thong. Forget about white lace. Red silk is far more sexy."
"Why are all the things you pick out so...so...slutty?" Yoh asked irritably.
"Why are all the things you pick out so virginal?" Hao snapped in defence.
"Ren is a virgin!"
"Not for much longer if I have anything to do with it." Hao's smirk was predatory and Yoh scowled at him angrily.
"I'm the one he'll give himself to!" he insisted. "Ren loves me more!"
"No, he just thinks you're an idiot."
"Well, he thinks you're a sex fiend!"
"Little brother, if I truly were a sex fiend, I can assure you that we'd be looking at a far more interesting catalogue right now."
Yoh kicked Hao under the table and Hao kicked him right back, the catalogue momentarily ignored for a moment while they took their tempers out on each other. They didn't even notice when Ren strolled casually into the kitchen and headed over to the refrigerator, they were that busy pulling each other's hair and throwing insults around.
Ren glanced over his shoulder briefly at the pair before deciding that he didn't really feel the need to get involved as he took out a bottle of milk and drank from it. He'd only just finished the last drop when suddenly he found himself with a limpet-like Hao on his back, babbling in his ear and waving a piece of paper in front of his face.
Somehow, Yoh managed to peel his older brother away before firmly taking hold of Ren's arm and shoving his own page under the younger boy's nose.
"Ren, we need you to decide on something for us," he said, smiling angelically (or as angelically as he could considering that his nose was bleeding and his hair was currently standing on end after Hao had yanked on it viciously).
Ren raised an eyebrow half-heartedly. "What is it that you need me to decide?" he asked.
Hao latched onto his other arm and tried his best to tear Ren's attention away from Yoh. "We've been choosing a new outfit for you!" he chirped happily.
"But we're having a little trouble actually agreeing on something," Yoh admitted sheepishly.
"So we thought we'd show you what we liked and let you decide for yourself which one looked best!" Hao finished.
Ren looked down at the torn out catalogue pages before him and narrowed his eyes. "This is girl's clothing," he stated flatly. "Why are you showing me pictures of dresses and skirts?"
"Because these are the things that we want you to wear!" Yoh told him cheerfully. "I think you'd look pretty in this little sundress here. Look, it has flowers on it! You like flowers, don't you?"
"I'm allergic to them," Ren said, glaring darkly.
"Ah...well, I think it looks nice," Yoh said, somewhat lamely, trying to ignore Hao's smug smirk.
"Ignore him, Ren," Hao interrupted smoothly, drawing Ren's attention to himself. "Here, look at what I picked out for you."
Ren resisted the urge to twitch when he saw what Hao wanted him to look at. "A red leather mini skirt," he said coolly. Hao nodded vigorously. "Don't you think this is a little..."
"Slutty looking?" Yoh suggested. "Yes, that's exactly what I said! Hao has no taste at all! You like the dress that I picked out more, don't you?"
Again, Ren resisted the urge to twitch. "You haven't actually sent off for these things, have you?"
"No, I was going to mail the order form this evening."
Yoh blinked as Ren struggled free from him and Hao and watched as he strode towards the open catalogue that lay abandoned on the kitchen table. His face darkened considerably when he caught sight of the page Yoh and Hao had last been looking at before picking the shopping book up, walking over to the open window and tossing it out unceremoniously.
"Hey, I didn't get to look at all the sexy underwear!" Hao protested.
"You're littering the environment!" Yoh accused.
Ren just scowled at them and crossed his arms over his chest defiantly.
Yoh sighed. "Now I'll never get to see you in that dress," he said mournfully.
"And I'll never get to see you in that mini skirt," Hao added, pouting a little.
Ren's scowl deepened. "I don't care if you two won't stop pestering me, I refuse to wear that skirt in public!"
"Does that mean you'll wear it in private?" Hao asked hopefully.
"No!" Ren scowled and shrugged Yoh off as he attempted to embrace him from behind while he was busy yelling at Hao. "Stop buying me girl's clothes, stop trying to hug me, stop trying to molest me! It's pissing me off!"
"We're just showing our affections for you," Yoh said innocently. "Or at least I am. Hao only sees you as another notch on his bedpost."
"That's not true!" Hao said hotly. "I intend to make Ren my wife one day! He will bear me children if it's the last thing he does! Now *that's* commitment, little brother."
"You don't know the meaning of the word!" Yoh told him, narrowing his eyes. "I've known Ren longer than you have! I've *loved* him longer than you have! Therefore, I have more rights to him than you do!"
"I'm older and greedier than you are, and I have privileges," Hao said smugly, latching onto Ren's right arm. "Therefore, Ren rightfully belongs to me."
"Ren belongs to me!" Yoh grabbed onto Ren's other arm and attempted to tug him away from his elder brother. "He's mine, I say!"
"Mine!"
"Mine!"
"Mine!"
"Both of you get the Hell off of me!" Ren, snarled, but to no avail. The twins were still busy arguing among themselves, yanking Ren in first one direction and then the other as they both tried to claim ownership of him. They were so busy arguing in fact that they totally missed the warning signs that said Ren's temper had just reached an all-time high.
Yoh had always wondered how Ren managed to procure that spear of his at such short notice. He couldn't really understand how it worked. One minute, Ren was spear-free and then next, he'd be waving it about in Yoh's face and screaming for him to stop groping his ass/stop being so annoying/stop treating him like some sort of meek woman. Yoh secretly suspected that Ren somehow managed to keep it hidden away inside his underwear, but ever since Ren had disabled his twin brother quite effectively after Hao had attempted to get his hand inside Ren's boxers, Yoh had been hesitant to try his own luck.
In any case, Ren was now armed and dangerous as both Yoh and Hao found out about three seconds later when the floor rumbled and shook ominously. The miniature earthquake actually caused them to stop yelling at each other long enough to realise that numerous spears and swords were seemingly erupting through the kitchen tiles. Luckily, their superior shaman reflexes prevented them from being impaled on sharp and shiny objects, but only just. The squeal that Hao emitted as he just barely avoided getting his precious hair caught on one of the blades was decidedly unmanly, but thankfully, neither his brother nor Ren seemed to notice.
As one, they turned their eyes towards Ren who was leaning on his own spear and breathing heavily, his usually pretty facial features twisted into a snarl of rage.
"Let that be a lesson to you both," he said venomously, giving them one final glare before turning on his heel and striding out of the kitchen.
There was absolute silence for a moment before Yoh spoke up.
"Do either of us lose points for what happened just now?"
"I don't think so," Hao replied thoughtfully, rubbing his chin. "He didn't actually *hit* either one of us."
"No, he just tried to stab us to death." Yoh smiled dreamily. "Ren can be so shy sometimes." His dopey expression soon faded though when he came back to earth with a bump and finally took note of the mess that surrounded them. It was then that he started to cry pathetically. "But still...imagine what Anna will do to me when she comes back to find the kitchen in this state!"
"It's your house," said Hao with a shrug. "She's your fianc�e. You take care of it. I'm going to comfort Ren. The poor thing must be in terrible shock after what just happened. I'm sure he needs a shoulder to cry on, or at the very least a good grope to make him feel better."
"But that's not fair!" Yoh said plaintively. "You should help clear this up too!"
"Like I said before, it's your house, little brother." Hao glanced over his shoulder carelessly as he made to exit the room. "Have fun with clean-up. I know I'll have fun getting to be alone with Ren."
Yoh scowled at his elder brother's retreating back before resigning himself to his fate as he began his task of clearing up the mess. Five minutes later found him smiling again though, as he heard the curses coming from the next room along with the sound of a very loud slap that could only mean that Hao had failed yet again to make any more progress with Ren.
Yoh's smile widened when he realised that Hao had just fallen behind by another three points. If things continued to go well, Yoh was sure he'd end up beating Hao at this game. It was true that Asakura Yoh was usually a lazy and unmotivated soul, but once he'd set his mind on achieving his goal, he almost always ended up succeeding.
Yoh grinned to himself as he continued tidying up the kitchen.
If only all competitions were as fun and worthwhile as this one, he might actually start making some sort of effort in his everyday life.
Or then again, maybe not.
End.
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