And So It Goes - by Triste
Ren twitched slightly when he heard the front door open and then slam shut, but refused to look up from the book that he'd been reading as the footsteps that stamped down the hallway grew closer and closer until finally his visitor reached the living room where he was currently situated. Still, he kept his attention on the page before him, not out of any desire to actually read any of the words, but more of a deliberate attempt to ignore the one he knew would be standing right in front of him. He heard the sound of his own name, but instead of responding to it, he idly flipped over to the next page as he continued to pay as little attention as possible to his newly arrived guest.
Again and again, his name was called out, but it was only when the book was torn rudely out of his hands that Ren actually bothered to raise his gaze.
"What do you want now?" he asked flatly. His usually stern expression faded a little when he saw the expression on his visitor's face though and he crossed his arms over his chest expectantly.
Hao stared back at him, his eyes large and teary and his lower lip quivering pathetically. This actually gave Ren cause for concern, although he tried to waste as little of that emotion on Asakura Hao as possible, considering how much of a pain in the ass Yoh's twin brother could be sometimes.
However, although he'd seen Hao amused, angry, irritated, bored, happy and even horny, he'd never seen him on the verge of tears before and the sight of those watery eyes staring down at him really was rather unsettling. Ren sighed heavily.
"Not that I care or anything, but what the Hell happened to you?"
Hao sniffled once, then twice before saying in a meek and trembling voice, "...I have gum in my hair..."
Ren's left cheek twitched involuntarily. "You have *gum* in your *hair*?" he echoed. Hao nodded miserably. "May I ask *how* it managed to get there?"
"Yoh did it," Hao told him, still sniffling. "He's a horrible younger brother!"
Ren resisted the urge to roll his eyes. "Aren't *you* the one who's usually tormenting him?"
"Yes, but that's different. I believe in fighting dirty as much as the next person, but I'd never sink so low as to stick gum in someone's hair, especially if it was as beautiful as my own!" Hao looked as though he really was about to start crying at this point and Ren decided to avert the crisis as swiftly and subtly as he could.
"Well then, bring me the scissors and I'll cut it out for you."
The horrified expression that stole across Hao's face would have been almost comical if Ren had actually felt like laughing at all.
"Cut...my...hair?" Hao's previously tearful look turned to one of outrage and indignation. "How dare you even suggest such a thing? How could you think about taking scissors to my wonderful shining locks! Do you know how long it took for me to grow my hair to this perfect length?"
"I don't know and I don't care," Ren replied with a sigh. "Either you sit there and sulk and let the situation get worse, or you can let me cut off the tiny little piece that just happens to have gum caught in it. It's your decision."
Hao pouted slightly. "Is there really no other way you could get it out for me?"
Ren sighed again, wishing he could have just been able to spend the remainder of his weekend alone and peaceful without having to put up with Hao's melodramatic tendencies. "I suppose I could try and wash it out," he suggested reluctantly.
Hao's smile practically split his face and he reached out to grab Ren's hand as he began tugging him in the direction of the bathroom. "I knew I could count on you!" he said cheerfully. "You're always so smart, Ren!"
"Unlike you," Ren muttered to himself as he allowed himself to be dragged into the bathroom. "Why did you come to me, anyway? Couldn't you have just gone to one of your many minions for help?"
"Don't be silly," Hao told him, grinning over his shoulder as he leaned down to start the bath water running. "I came here because I love you! You always give me such tender loving care. You feed me, you cook for me, you clean my clothes for me..."
"Because you're too lazy to do all that yourself," Ren mumbled irritably.
"You shouldn't be so angry, dearest," Hao said in a singsong voice. "I repay you with the best sex a man could ever give."
Ren tried to ignore the blush that broke out over his cheeks. "That has nothing to do with it!" he stammered. "You come and go as you please, you drop all your problems onto my shoulders, you never contribute any money towards paying the bills and the rent...you're nothing but a freeloader! Why can't you bother Yoh instead of me?"
"I'm not interested in Yoh. He's boring."
"So boring that you go over to his house at least three times a day just to taunt him and make fun of him."
"Precisely! I bother Yoh during the day and come home at night to a hot meal and a warm bed! Life really couldn't be any better!"
"This is not your home!" Ren said hotly. "It's my home! You just happen to take advantage of my kind and caring nature! Why are you even running a bath anyway? All you need to do is stick your head over the sink so that I can wash your hair."
"I want you to do it properly," Hao insisted. Ren just rolled his eyes. He'd learned long ago that arguing with Hao was both futile and tedious and only ever resulted in giving him a headache. Hao was a great fan of strange, circular ramblings, just as he was also a great fan of talking about himself, but over time, Ren had gained the ability to tune out most of what Hao ever said to him, reducing his mindless babble and inane chatter to a pleasantly tuneful drone.
Crossing his arms over his chest, he leaned back against the door and watched through narrow eyes as Hao fussed about getting the temperature of the water just right before quickly shedding himself of his clothing, letting it fall carelessly to the floor before he settled into the tub.
Ren tutted irritably as he bent down to pick up Hao's discarded clothing, hanging his shawl up on the back of the door before carefully folding his pants and placing them on top of the hamper in the corner of the room. It annoyed him how he constantly seemed to be picking up after Hao, but he knew it would annoy him even more if he just left the mess as it was to spoil his nice, clean house.
Hao seemed oblivious to Ren's irritation and he smiled cheerfully, beckoning the other to join him. Reluctantly, Ren began to take off his shirt, placing it carefully on top of Hao's pants before going to work on the rest of his clothing. Hao watched him appreciatively and Ren lowered his gaze in embarrassment as his cheeks coloured yet again. Although Hao seemed to enjoy showing off his nude body, Ren was still shy about revealing his own, in spite of the fact that Hao had already seen him naked on quite a number of occasions.
Ren's blush deepened even further as he tried to push those particular memories from his mind as he finished removing the rest of his clothing and went over to join Hao in the bathtub. Hao scooted down a little to make room for him and Ren sighed as he lowered himself into the hot water, resting back a little and allowing Hao to lean against him.
If Hao had kept his mouth shut, it might actually have been a nice, relaxing experience, but as always, Ren's precious peace and quiet was ruined by the sound of the other shaman's voice.
"Are you going to see to my hair now?" he asked hopefully.
"Hmm," Ren said absently, concentrating more on how soothing the water felt than anything that came from Hao's lips. "Which shampoo do you want me to use?"
Hao's face lit up. "Herbal Essences, of course! I could even sing the song for you too!" He took in a deep breath, but Ren quickly prevented him from doing anything else by clamping his hand firmly over Hao's mouth.
"Please don't," he said sternly. Hao looked disappointed, but Ren knew better than to give in to those pleading eyes. Putting up with Hao's laziness and voracious sexual appetite was bad enough, but there was no way on earth he'd allow Hao to serenade him with television jingles that promoted the use of ridiculously expensive hair care products.
Besides, said hair care products took up a whole rack in Ren's bathroom, leaving little room for anything else. Hao used at least four different types of shampoo alone, plus conditioner as well as mousse, gel and God only knew what else. More often than not, it was Ren himself who ended up taking care of Hao's hair for him and Ren often wondered how on earth Hao had actually managed to survive on his own before they'd gotten together. They'd only been lovers for a few short months, but sometimes it felt as though they'd been married for about forty years. Ren was forever nagging Hao over the fact that his hair clogged up the drains, that he never bothered to pick up after himself, that he never did anything to help around the house and that he always forgot to remove anything made out of metal from the microwave before turning it on at the power, therefore blowing a fuse and annoying Ren immensely by having to stumble down into the basement and fix what Hao had broken.
Sometimes, Ren wondered if Hao even understood the concept of such things as modern living. He still seemed to think that the Spirit of Fire would do everything for him, be it roasting his food or roasting his enemies. Ren had been trying to convince Hao that public transportation wasn't actually as bad as it sounded and that he was tired of getting so many calls from science fiction fanatics and magazine reporters asking if he knew about the glowing red UFO that often appeared in his back garden at around 5:30 every evening. He couldn't really tell them that it was just Hao having flown over on his trusty fire genie because he was too lazy to use his own legs and walk the three short blocks that separated Yoh's house from Ren's.
Trying to tell Hao that the Spirit of Fire shouldn't really be used as a personal twenty-four hour taxi service hadn't worked either, but as always, Hao reacted to Ren's persuasions by going conveniently deaf. Ren often wondered how Hao actually managed to maintain his admirable physique considering that he did as little exercise as was humanly possible. He also wondered how on earth he'd managed to actually put up with him for so long, but every time he'd been on the verge of kicking Hao out for good, he'd always been reminded of exactly why it was sometimes useful to have him around (mainly to relieve sexual tension).
There were other things too, of course, little things, like the way in which Hao could actually be rather sweet from time to time (although it was usually unintentional, it was still kind of nice). He was very affectionate (okay, so he was constantly horny) and also very protective of Ren (well, possessive could equal protective sometimes...) and that did tend to make up for his laziness and his apparent lack of shame and morals (occasionally).
Besides, Ren had learned over time how to manipulate Hao almost as much as Hao manipulated him, only he was far less transparent in is actions. Usually, he'd just let Hao prattle on and on about whatever had caught his interest at that particular time, but Ren did have his ways of shutting Hao up quite effectively, one of them being to fuss over or brush his hair. Hao often talked about how much he valued his hair over his life and it was no secret that he liked having it played with. Not only did it make him far less talkative whenever Ren would sit and comb his fingers through his hair, it also made him sleepy and if he was sleepy, then he wouldn't be molesting Ren or bringing about general calamity.
And so, Hao actually kept quiet for once as Ren worked on getting the gum out of his hair. Once he'd succeeded in finishing that task, Ren set about completing the rest of the job as he lathered up the rest of Hao's hair, starting at the ends and slowly working his way up. He smiled slightly when he heard Hao's half-dazed humming noises and other little noises of contentment as he rubbed at his scalp, being careful to make sure that he didn't get any of the suds into Hao's eyes.
When he'd finally finished rinsing out Hao's hair and added conditioner afterwards at Hao's insistence, he settled back and just allowed himself to drift for a while as Hao snuggled against him further, resting his head against Ren's chest and sighing blissfully.
"You know, we wouldn't have these kinds of problems if you didn't have so much hair," Ren said eventually. "It's not just the hair, either. Why do you insist upon wearing those ear ornaments of yours?"
"Earrings, Ren," Hao corrected.
"They're not earrings. Earrings are little studs or hoops. The things that you like to have dangling from your ears bear more resemblance to a pair of yo-yos than actual jewellery. Your earlobes will have sagged down to your shoulders by the time you're in your twenties if you keep wearing them, you know. And what about those oven mitts you wear on your hands? What's wrong with normal gloves?"
"But you like the pants, right? Everyone loves my pants."
"Maybe if they were more functional, I would like them, but as they are, they only seem good for decoration. It would probably help if you weren't tripping on them all the time as well."
"You're one to talk!" Hao protested.
"I thought you liked the way I dressed?" said Ren in surprise.
"I do! It's just that those shirts of yours can be such a pain in the ass sometimes. Sure, they look pretty, but it takes me about an hour just to unfasten all the lacings! Do you know how annoying that is when I just want to throw you down on the table and make love to you?"
"Which you do anyway, regardless of whether you can actually work my shirt off or not, thus resulting in various messes and stains," Ren reminded him.
"And that's why washing machines were invented!" Hao said cheerfully. "You worry too much. Life was meant for living, not stressing out about stains!"
"I can't help being stressed whenever you're around," Ren said with a sigh. "I'm always having to clear up whatever trouble you've caused. I'll have turned grey before I'm even out of my teens, thanks to you. Why is it that you can be born again whenever you feel like it, yet you manage to accelerate *my* ageing process just by taking up residence in my house?"
"That's because someone is always trying to kill me," Hao told him solemnly. "It does get rather tedious when someone brutally murders you before you can achieve your goals and ambitions."
"Then learn how to be a little nicer to people."
"It's their fault. They should be nicer to me."
"So nothing is ever your fault, just somebody else's, right?"
"Precisely. Plus, I have no tolerance for useless people."
"You mean old ladies, small children, schoolteachers and twin brothers?"
"And delivery men."
"Whose lives you take with glee if they're more than half an hour late in bringing your order to you."
"I wouldn't call it glee, just more of a..."
"Manic joy in watching them burn?"
"Well...yes."
"And using the Spirit of Fire to roast pizza delivery men alive is a joyful occasion for you?"
"No, that would be known as wreaking vengeance upon mine enemies."
"Because they happened to be slow in giving your food to you."
"Exactly. I told you I don't tolerate useless people."
"And you wonder why no one ever brings take-out to this house anymore."
"It's just how mankind works, Ren. Survival of the fittest. I just happen to be the fittest of them all, for I am perfection itself."
"Yes, you're such a perfect human being that you don't even know how to work a microwave properly."
"That's because microwaves don't fit in with my dream of becoming the Shaman King. Besides, as my future wife and Shaman Queen, your role is to take care of me, your King."
"Not that I don't do that already, of course."
"You should know by now that I am nothing without you, dearest."
"Sweet talk won't get you anywhere, Hao. Maybe we ought to switch roles for a week, just so that you can appreciate exactly how much effort I put in on your behalf."
"Now that's just silly. You do all this stuff so well. Besides, it could be worse. You could be with Anna instead of me and I'm much nicer than she is!"
Ren shuddered delicately. "The mere thought of being with a woman fills me with revulsion."
"Which is why you'd rather be with me, right?" Hao smirked deviously. "And like I said, I'm much nicer than Anna is. I pity poor Yoh for having to put up with someone like that...then again, I suppose it's his own fault for not having the balls to actually stand up to her."
"If you can spare a little pity for Yoh, then maybe you could spare some for me too," Ren said dryly. "I have to put up with you after all, along with your trouble-making tendencies. It's your fault that Anna sees me as some sort of rival."
"Only because I told her that she couldn't possibly compete with you over achieving the title of Shaman Queen," Hao said innocently.
"You also said that she couldn't possibly hope to compare with my beauty either. Then you wondered why she slapped you."
"She slapped me because she is a violent and sadistic human being."
"Not because you said she was ugly?"
"I would never suggest such a thing! I am a perfect gentleman, as you know."
"No, you're an idiot who has difficulty in controlling his hormones and his homicidal urges and also clogs the drains at least three times a week with his too-long hair."
"But you still love me, right? I'm the best sex you've ever had!"
"You're the only sex I've ever had. And anyway, that's irrelevant."
"Sex isn't irrelevant. It makes the world go round."
"It makes your world go round. It's all you ever think about."
"But you still love me, right? Right?"
Ren gave a long-suffering sigh as he stared down at Hao who gazed up at him adoringly. "The water's getting cold," he said finally. "And we're getting all wrinkly."
"You're not going anywhere until you tell me you love me," Hao said sternly. They stared at each other for a long moment until a slow smirk spread across Hao's face. "Go ahead and say it. You know you want to."
Ren sighed again and rolled his eyes. "Fine. You rock my world. How's that?"
"Not quite an 'I love you', but I'll take it." Hao beamed and kissed the tip of Ren's nose before leaning down and pulling the plug so that the water could drain out. "Now, let's have sex. Then we can call for take-out."
"Only if we can find someone who will actually deliver to us. And only if you promise not to kill anyone if the food does not arrive within thirty minutes."
"For you, my Queen, anything."
"Don't call me that either. It's annoying."
"Yes, dear. Whatever you say, dear."
End.
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