"Know"
Nick Drake
Know that I love you
Know I don't care
Know that I see you
Know I'm not there.
It�s nights like this, when I�m laying here with nothing but the sky up above me, that I remember you the hardest. I�ve put a lot of miles between me and you; between me and where I come from. It hurts, sometimes, to think about.
But not as bad as the goddamn rock in the middle of my back.
A few minutes later, I�m settled down again.
And I see your face.
God, I loved you so much.
Why�d you have to go for Jou-chan, huh? She make you happy? I hope so. She give you kids? I hope so. I hope you--I hope you got a bunch of kids. I hope it was worth it.
Bastard.
You know what? I forget you sometimes. When I got to visit girls here, in this wild land that is nothing like home. When I slip between their thighs and make love to them. I don�t remember you then. I don�t think about you. I don�t wish it were you, there, bent under me.
They�ll never leave her alone.
Goddamn it. Leave me alone. You and your fucking eyes. Your fucking white skin--god there was miles and miles of it. Your fucking hair. You�d put it in my hands as you rode me, tell me to hold on, to pull and god--
Sano . . .!
C�mon, Kenshin.
Yess, ohhhh
Goddamn it. I�m not thinking about you. I slide my hand inside my pants but I�m not thinking about you and how tight and slick you were sometimes, how hard and deep you were some others--
Aw, fuck.
Good thing the old blanket was still wet from my bath. I wash myself off with it. I hate my dick. It betrays me at the worst time. Like when I think about you. I�m supposed to be pissed at you. You were the one--no, not gonna go there--
I�m sorry, Sano. I can�t leave her--I never can. They won�t leave her alone.
But you buried all your ghosts. You left them in the sand behind you when you denied Enishi his Jinchuu. You--you goddamn asshole.
Hope you�re a good dad.
You took her over me.
What didn�t I do right, huh? Was it because I never looked like Tomoe in the right light? Because I could defend myself? Because I didn�t hit you all the time? Fuck. Fuck.
I miss you.
Damn it. No I don�t. I fucking hate--
No I don�t.
Fuck you.
Few days later, I come into a city. If you know what to look for, there are places a man can go to earn money with his fists. I know what to look for. I fight for money for a while, and every face--every fucking face--that I smash in is yours. When you looked at me--let me fuck you until we were both breathless, seeing stars, numb all over--and told me
Goodbye, Sano.
Wanted to kill you for a minute. Wanted to throw you around the room until you hurt as bad as I did. �Til you ached like me. �Til you wanted to tear your own fucking heart out because it hurt too bad when it was beating.
So, yeah. I fight. You wouldn�t like it. Fuck you anyway. I take the money and buy a meal and a bath and a girl.
No no no.
Not you--
Not seeing you--
Why do I even fight it? Just this once, I let it come out, let it flow. Let your face cover hers--your skin so white--let it be your mouth I kiss--thin soft lips--your thighs I touch--long, lean, shaking under me--your body I . . .uhn . . . your body I enter--clenching clenching tight and hot--your hand I hold--fingers wrapped through mine squeezing and straining strong hands--your voice--Sano I love you
She leaves me. I lay on this hard pallet and stare up at the ceiling. No telling what bugs are crawling around on the floor. Not gonna look.
I love you, Sano.
Yeah.
But you chose her.
I love you, Sano.
How stupid I was to believe you. How fucking dumb.
I hope you miss me. I hope you wake up at night wanting someone to keep you warm, somebody that can hold you when you dream about Tomoe and whatever the hell else you did when you were a kid. I hope, that, when it doesn�t work, when she fails you, that you wish for me and my cock. Yeah. Couple of times I had to fuck you so you�d forget. Couple of times I had to take you inside me. Do you sometimes feel so empty that you�d take anything to ease it? I do. I want you in my mouth, in my body. My jaws ache to taste you, to take you down, to try so hard to get at all of you.
My heart wanted the same thing. To get at all of you. To pull you so deep inside myself that you�d never find your way out, to keep you there, inside me, near me, part of me forever and ever. All I wanted. That�s all I wanted.
Whatever. We can�t always have what we want, can we? No.
I don�t have you.
But you know what? You don�t have me either.
Dammit.
I coulda been old with you.
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